possible to become nurturing parent when it doesn't come naturally?

[kbutton]

I am an ISTJ.  

 

Acts of service is definitely my love language.  I don't think it's any of my kids' though.  I asked them separately how they know gramma, grandpa, mom and dad love them, and the older 3 all said, "Because you cook for us".  That's kind of sad. It's not sad! That's a huge investment with food sensitivities. 

 

I do have sensory issues.  I didn't growing up but they came on a few years ago along with some other health problems.  Touch, noise, and incessant movement are the main ones though I was never a touchy person before.  I have issues in this category too, and it's turned out to be related to food issues. I still don't know all the ins and outs (it's inconsistent), but food triggers are a problem here. Removing the main troubling foods has made a world of difference, but sometimes I still end up having a reaction to *something,* and my body goes on high alert (sensory defensive, anxiety, migraines, extreme irritability as well as anaphylactic reactions more recently--to varying extents and combinations). I don't test as food allergic, but I respond to antihistamines plus dietary modifications. It sounds weird, but you might try taking antihistamines consistently and see if it helps at all (some people need to take more than one antihistamine to see results and/or they need a combination of regular antihistamines and H2 blockers (like Pepcid). Other people respond to vitamins or probiotics because they are nutrient deficient. There is a lot of emerging information about these kinds of issues, and you should not be made to feel bad about them. Histamine and the brain do weird things together. (BTW, some anti-depressants also effect histamine in a good way too--I just read this yesterday.) If interested, the Low Histamine Chef blog has some information.

 

DH is not good at being nurturing either so I do feel like they are missing out.  My mom is but they only see her about every other weekend.  And I don't think it's normal to not really like your kids.  It's not as bad as it was when I was pregnant last year where I really couldn't stand any of them and I didn't even care anymore that I didn't like them, but still not normal.

 

I think part of the reason I don't feel close to them is because the things that bug me the most, about anybody, are what they do all day long.  I am the only fairly neurotypical person in the house (if you can call being INTJ neurotypical, lol). It's very frustrating, and it's like, "When is this ever going to end?" I have learned strategies for putting problems back on the person making those problems, but it takes some creative thinking and thinking on my feet when I'd rather just go hide someplace. 

 

[wendy not in HI]

I just want to chime in here and say that (it's just my opinion, but) if you want to, you can learn to be more physical with your kids and it might be a good thing for both you and them.  

 

I am not a hugger, but I had an experience that made me change for a while, and I actually liked the change.  We moved to Hawaii and lived there for 3 years.  While we lived there, we to church with a lot of locals (I only mention that because we are a military family and sometimes for one reason or another, the military in Hawaii insulate themselves from the local community and don't have the opportunity to really get to know the amazing local people.)  At every church event, everyone would hug me.  And sometimes kiss me on the cheek.  I felt totally awkward at first, but after a while, I really started to like it. 

 

I felt a stronger connection with the people in that congregation than any other group of people.  There was something about our Stake President (leader of our greater area) coming up the aisle in the chapel, and stopping to give me a hug and a little cheek kiss that made me feel like I knew him and loved him, though I really had only talked to him a few times.

 

 It made me realize that there is a (obviously) something about being physical (just a little hugging, nothing more) with someone and feeling a stronger connection with them.  A hug is more than just a "hello, how are you?"  It is like you kind of breathe in that person and make that connection, whether you really want to or not.  That "aloha" feeling, you know?  

 

More recently, I worked with the youth in our church group, and I could see that they were not huggers, but I wanted that little connection that I had with the girls that I had worked with in Hawaii.  So I started doing silly high-fives each week at the end of our class time.  I'd try to change it up each week. I think that little bit of silliness and connection helped us grow closer.  

 

It's been 7 years since we lived in HI.  And I'm not really a hugger.  But once in a while I take the chance and give a hug!  It's usually not terribly awkward...

 

As my kids have gotten older, I have had to make sure to stay physically connected with them.  We do a little hands-pile after we do our family prayer at night and do a little family cheer - it's silly but it is a chance to hold on to each other for a second in a not-too-awkward way.  I also try to go in and tuck them in at night - I don't know why it's so hard to remember, but I have to set an alarm on my phone to remind me to go into their rooms after bedtime to say goodnight and give them a hug and a kiss, otherwise I forget.  I want to keep that connection with them, and it's easy to get out of the habit.  Writing this out has made me realize that I could do more....  

 

Parenting.  It's tough!  Everyone has their own style.  Do what feels best for you, but I think I'm going to try a little harder to hug a little more.

[Learning fun]

Well I was that Olaf-spectrum child, and I am that Olaf-spectrum mom. I am always cuddling and loving on my child. Sometimes I worry that I smother her. I think the lesson to take away is that moms will worry. That's normal. When I think I am being too affectionate I conscientiously try to tone it down. I see nothing wrong with concienciously trying to ramp It up. Back scratches, hand squeezing, and like PP said head patting are pretty easy, non invasive ways to express affection. As far as not feeling it, kids can be hard, give yourself a break. Make sure you have enough recharge time. I love what Quill said that love is a verb. I also second giving them affectionate pet names. That's an easy way to show affection. Also, it can be easier to want to cuddle with clean, well dressed toddlers. Maybe make cuddle time after bath time when they smell nice and they're in their soft fuzzy jammies. Then you can rock or read and just enjoy each other. Good for you mama, for being caring and conscientious.

 

Edited for typos

Edited March 14, 2017 by Learning fun

[caedmyn]

It is helpful to hear that it's possible to not do a lot of touching or expressing affection and still turn out adult kids who feel loved.  And to think that maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing...maybe giving them good-night hugs and saying I love you at bedtime is enough in those departments.  I think I could do some head pats too.  I do need to work more on finding/making time for individual quality time with them.  Maybe I can focus more on the stuff I am already good at that shows love instead of thinking so much about the stuff I am not good at.

 

That said, one reason I'd like to be more touchy is because I think that's why I feel close to my babies, because I snuggle with them (well, that and all that oxytocin from nursing).  It would be easiest to start with the 4 YO, but he has severe reflux and though I feel bad for him, it is really hard to get close to someone who is regurgitating food hundreds of times a day.  It's just disgusting.  Hopefully the reflux is in the process of being resolved though.  And I do not like being touched by my 11 YO.  I can give her a bedtime hug, but sometimes she wants to hold my hand or lay against me at church, and it's all I can do not to pull away.  It gives me the creeps for whatever reason.  It doesn't bother me so much with the boys.

 

I also need to get better at getting them to bed a little earlier, and making sure the dishes are done before they go to bed so I can really be "off" once the boys are in bed and have a little more down time.

[Catwoman]

It is helpful to hear that it's possible to not do a lot of touching or expressing affection and still turn out adult kids who feel loved. And to think that maybe it doesn't have to be all or nothing...maybe giving them good-night hugs and saying I love you at bedtime is enough in those departments. I think I could do some head pats too. I do need to work more on finding/making time for individual quality time with them. Maybe I can focus more on the stuff I am already good at that shows love instead of thinking so much about the stuff I am not good at.

 

That said, one reason I'd like to be more touchy is because I think that's why I feel close to my babies, because I snuggle with them (well, that and all that oxytocin from nursing). It would be easiest to start with the 4 YO, but he has severe reflux and though I feel bad for him, it is really hard to get close to someone who is regurgitating food hundreds of times a day. It's just disgusting. Hopefully the reflux is in the process of being resolved though. And I do not like being touched by my 11 YO. I can give her a bedtime hug, but sometimes she wants to hold my hand or lay against me at church, and it's all I can do not to pull away. It gives me the creeps for whatever reason. It doesn't bother me so much with the boys.

 

I also need to get better at getting them to bed a little earlier, and making sure the dishes are done before they go to bed so I can really be "off" once the boys are in bed and have a little more down time.

I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't know how to phrase this gently.

 

I think you need to seek professional help for these emotions you're feeling toward your children. I don't think it's normal to be physically repulsed by your own children. I also find it odd that being touched by your dd gives you "the creeps," but it's not as bad with the boys -- although you find it "disgusting" to get close to your poor little 4yo because he has reflux.

 

I am glad you realize that there is a problem here -- I think that is a very good sign that you will be open to getting help and doing what's necessary to figure out how to somehow modify your feelings toward your kids so you can hopefully begin to view them in a more positive way.

 

It sounds like your dh could benefit from some help in this area, as well.

 

I know you are trying to do your best, but I feel very sorry for your children. :(

Edited March 15, 2017 by Catwoman

[freesia]

Gently, also.

 

You've posted a lot about your struggles with your family.  You are really struggling.  If I remember right your dh is not super supportive of evals for the kids and counseling.

 

I think it's time to insist.  Counseling can make a huge difference in your type of situation.

 

In the mean time, in every situation, try to look at what is going well. What is each child doing that you like?  What is one small improvement? 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Caedmyn, while you are getting help toward the feelings that aren't what YOU want for yourself, toward your precious children, could you build a bigger team? I think you need more support for your family.

 

Even a less than ideal public school situation, there will be some loving and caring adults. Same for preschool. Maybe also church involvement, some team sports - get some nurturing adults into your children's lives, and give yourself some respite from the constant care.

[unsinkable]

Ignore this if it doesn't apply:

 

Did your family of origin suffer a great stress or loss when you were a toddler? Like did your parents separate or did you lose a sibling or grandparent? Did you have a very sick family member or did you yourself get sick?

 

Did you have a parent with an alcohol or drug addiction problem?

 

Sometimes childhood stressors or losses impact our own parenting.

 

Just a thought.

 

Best wishes. :grouphug:

Edited March 15, 2017 by unsinkable

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I remember your posts now. If it's true that your children never got evaluations, and aren't allowed therapists or counseling, and can't go to public school, just because your husband says no to all of it --

 

You don't have to submit to that.

 

1. You are their mother. You can take them to school and take them to the doctor, without your husband's permission. If they are in need of care and education, and you DON'T take them, that's a problem.

 

2. You are a person. You can say, "No, I'm not raising and educating all of these children entirely by myself with no help and no breaks. It's bad for them, and it's bad for me."

 

For the record, you are the second homeschooling mother to whom I've said just today, "Nobody can force you to homeschool. You have rights, as a person, and you have responsibilities as a mother."

[Guest]

It always drove me crazy to have even my own kid hanging off of me.  He wasn't the type so it worked out.  But now I have three or four little girls who love to stand with me in church, and a couple of them are clingers and it just drives me insane..  I love the girls to itty bitty pieces, but...

 

I say this because I think there is a broad spectrum of normal.  My mom was more like I am than like the "nurturing" parent you described.  And I loved her and still do!  We have and always have had a good relationship.  

 

Perhaps the thing you want is somewhere other than "nurturing."  I wish I had been more gentle, more soft-spoken, more thoughtful instead of reactive, a better listener and a more restrained "teller."   Those things, I think I could have done better...but I was plenty "nurturing" without having my hands all over my kid all the time, or his all over me.  We liked being together, and that was enough.  

 

And I didn't read the whole thread, so pardon me if I have spoken out of turn at this point . 

 

 

[eternalsummer]

Yes, I am a nurturing person and a loving mother and having kids older than toddlers (or other adults other than DH, for that matter) touch me creeps me out.  Just, ugh. shudder.  I have conditioned myself to let them do it without my cringing, but only barely, and not often.

 

I don't think that feeling, or being disgusted by constant regurgitation, or being irritated with an 11 year old who you thought would be a help but is not, or exhaustion from dealing with a bunch of littles, is abnormal.  I think all of it together at once sounds miserable, though, and I would do what I could to figure a way to alleviate some of it.

[foxbridgeacademy]

You just described my mom. From the time I was 11 until I had my first child she neither told me she loved me or showed affection at all.  But it was clear in how she went to bat for us and put up with us that she loved us.  Do I wish she could have overcame the reticence and showed us some type of love, you bet.  We've talked about it since I've become an adult and she's made an effort, it's so awkward but very appreciated, at least she's trying.  My dad on the other hand was the most loving and affectionate person but he couldn't handle stress or really anything, my mom was the rock.  We (sisters and I) love our dad and he is easy to forgive, we hold my mom to a higher standard but you know who I talk to at least once a week? My mom. I will go month's without talking to my dad.  He may have given out the hugs and praise but she's the one who stood up to the bully and made sure shit got done.  We have issues (mostly stemming from being polar political opposites) but I know I can rely on my mom.

 

Edited March 15, 2017 by foxbridgeacademy

[caedmyn]

I remember your posts now. If it's true that your children never got evaluations, and aren't allowed therapists or counseling, and can't go to public school, just because your husband says no to all of it --

 

You don't have to submit to that.

 

1. You are their mother. You can take them to school and take them to the doctor, without your husband's permission. If they are in need of care and education, and you DON'T take them, that's a problem.

 

2. You are a person. You can say, "No, I'm not raising and educating all of these children entirely by myself with no help and no breaks. It's bad for them, and it's bad for me."

 

For the record, you are the second homeschooling mother to whom I've said just today, "Nobody can force you to homeschool. You have rights, as a person, and you have responsibilities as a mother."

 

If I really felt that my kids needed evaluations, I would push for them.  But I don't feel that way right now.  What I am doing is working for their education, and at this time I don't feel like I need more information about their issues than I've already been able to figure out on my own.  And I'm sure I'll never be up for Mother of the Year, but we're doing a lot better overall than we were last summer.  The 6 YO has worked out of his ODD phase which helped a lot.  

 

I don't particularly want them in public school either. And there's not a private school here, unless maybe one of the Catholic schools, who could do anything for kids with dyslexia, so that's not really an option.  Or at least, it wouldn't really make my life any easier because then I'd have to deal with school schedules, homework, and still would have to tutor my kids in reading.  

 

They do have other adults for role models.  They have Sunday school teachers, DD's in 4-H and youth group, DS8 will go to youth group next year, and we're looking into some sort of martial arts for the older 3.  And they see one set of grandparents usually a couple of times a month, which is more than many kids see theirs.  

[caedmyn]

You just described my mom. From the time I was 11 until I had my first child she neither told me she loved me or showed affection at all.  But it was clear in how she went to bat for us and put up with us that she loved us.  Do I wish she could have overcame the reticence and showed us some type of love, you bet.  We've talked about it since I've become an adult and she's made an effort, it's so awkward but very appreciated, at least she's trying.  My dad on the other hand was the most loving and affectionate person but he couldn't handle stress or really anything, my mom was the rock.  We (sisters and I) love our dad and he is easy to forgive, we hold my mom to a higher standard but you know who I talk to at least once a week? My mom. I will go month's without talking to my dad.  He may have given out the hugs and praise but she's the one who stood up to the bully and made sure shit got done.  We have issues (mostly stemming from being polar political opposites) but I know I can rely on my mom.

 

Thank you for posting this.  Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way.  Not that I shouldn't try to be a little more touchy/encouraging, but maybe with all the issues my kids have, I'm supposed to be someone whose strength is more in figuring out what's wrong and trying to make it better than in nurturing.  My mom was/is great at hugging, encouraging, and spending quality time with us, but as an adult I wish she'd worked harder with me on character building and social skills.  Hopefully down the road my kids will appreciate having a mom who spent a lot of time figuring out the right things to help the dyslexic ones learn to read, taught social skills to the kids that they didn't come naturally to, worked on executive function with ones who struggled in that area, etc.

[Guest]

Thank you for posting this.  Maybe I am looking at this the wrong way.  Not that I shouldn't try to be a little more touchy/encouraging, .

 

I am going to repeat what I said previously and then i'll drop it. I'm not AT ALL trying to browbeat you, and don't want to make you feel like that is what I am accomplishing regardless of what I am trying to do.

 

But, honey, not being touchy-feely and encouraging IS NOT THE SAME THING as being creeped out* by the touch of your child (ren).

 

Not being inclined to spontaneous hugs, sweet speeches or cuddles is not the same as not liking* your kids and not feeling close* to them.

 

*all words taken from your own posts

 

I think everyone agrees here that there as many ways to be a good mother as there are good mothers. The question is not whether or not you are a good mother, it's whether or not you have a healthy relationship with your kids, and you don't.

 

In another thread you said that your husband is barely home, but is extremely negative and the kids pick up his negativity even though, you stressed, he is barely around. The struggling that you're doing right now oozes out of your posts. So, so many of us have been there. We are not criticizing you, but I think part of what you're asking is "is this normal?"

 

...and it's not.

Edited March 15, 2017 by OKBud

[Garga]

Nm

Edited March 16, 2017 by Garga