S/O Parents' stuff and houses -- how to manage it from a different state

[AimeeM]

FIL passed away during the summer. He lived in the outskirts of Philly, while we live in South Carolina. Until he entered in-patient hospice, in the last couple weeks of his life, he lived in the same row home he had grown up in; the same row home he had raised his own boys in. There are several generations worth of "stuff" in that home--he has his boys' things, his things, his parents things, and some of his own grandparents' things.

 

Then we have the music shop across the street. God help us. Not only does the music shop have the regular instruments one would expect, but it's in a commercial "row home" with more than one level, and it seems that when Dad ran out of room at the main house, stuff would just get packed over to the music store :P

 

We can't just leave the houses and contents sitting there. Dad had a much decreased tax rate because of his age, but now that DH has inherited it, it goes way, way, way up. Renting it out would be stupid -- the area is not the same as it was when Dad and the family moved in. It's a scary place to live -- dog fights, gunfire, gangs. So, we need to clear it out and sell it.

Oddly enough (maybe because I'm small town and southern, it seems odd), the shop directly across the street is in a sought-after commercial area, so we may rent that out.

 

We have to go clean it out. All of it. That's going to be a monster-job for so many reasons. First, on an emotional level. DH is devastated even thinking about it. How do we decide what to keep? He grew up in that home, and he grew up in it as a multi-generational home--he lived there with his parents and grandparents. His mother died when he was just a boy, and all of her things are still there, too. Almost everything has personal and sentimental value to DH, because Dad didn't get rid of anything... but these aren't things that would be of much value to others, so donating it would likely mean these things end up trashed. There are a lot (a lot, a lot) of religious statues, 50+ year-old hand tailored clothing from Italy (that was made to fit his tiny family members) that DH's parents and grandparents brought with them when they came over from Italy, boxes and boxes of music his father composed, paintings of family, toys from his own childhood... 

We're going to accumulate so much and there's no real way to bring it all back with us. It's pointless to store it THERE -- it will just sit in a storage unit because of how far away we live. 

 

But how do you throw any of it away? I feel nauseated even thinking about tossing away Dad's things. 

And then, logistically, how in the Hades are going to even DO this? We're going up in April, but we can only stay for less than a week before DH has to get back to the office. Even if we went for a week, two or three times a year, it feels like it would still take years. There are very important papers that DH needs (for things like taxes) in random piles around the house (think hoarder, when you consider Dad's properties, with regards to papers). There toward the end, when Dad received mail he just "set it down for later."

 

Then we have the inevitable cat fighting. Anything that is of actual value, and even some of the sentimental items, will be fought over by extended family. We know as much because they were already "claiming things" before Dad passed away! Right in front of him, while he was literally dying. I lost it on them then, and I'm afraid I will again, but I don't want to make things worse for DH.

 

This is absolutely a vent and a bit of a pity party. Feel free to offer any advice you have, but I know it's long and I just needed to get it out. 

When this is done, Dad is really, really gone. 

[lavender's green]

I'm sorry. That sounds really hard. :grouphug: 

 

If it were me, I'd do that visit in April and take home a few things that you definitely want to keep (like, one statue, one instrument, one box of music, or whatever limits you feel are reasonable). Then I'd hire out the rest of the work to one of those companies that sorts through it all, trashes the trash, sells the valuables, and sends you the important documents, for a certain percentage of the total value. At least that way you won't be the one physically tossing all this family history.

[happi duck]

(hugs)

 

Ime, sadly, if the relatives have access they will have already taken things.

 

Iiwm, and the money was available, I'd hire packers and movers to get it all into storage near me so I could go through it systematically.

 

I'd start with the store and get it rented out ASAP to generate funds for the storage units.

 

(hugs)

 

Eta:. If there is a lot of obvious trash I'd first hire a dumpster and clear out a dumpster full.

 

.

Edited March 9, 2017 by happi duck

[AimeeM]

I'm not sure if it's fortunate or unfortunate in this case, but there isn't a lot of trash. We had been systematically throwing out obvious trash over the course of our last few visits, while Dad was still living. There was a flood in his basement, which helped move butts into gear quickly, and dictated that we go through a lot of things. 

The unfortunate part is that this means what is left isn't obvious trash :(

 

They do not have access. Because of the area, the house and shop are left locked up completely and DH has a trusted family friend, who helped care for Dad, check on things daily. (He also lets him use the shop, since he used to play music with Dad and take lessons from him.) 

The ideal situation would be to have this particular man take over the house -- rent free, just to keep it, go through things systematically, and he's welcome to stay indefinitely--it's long-since paid off. Unfortunately, the man isn't willing to take anything he considers "payment" (like the house) for "helping a friend." It would actually be a huge, huge help for everyone, though. This man was/is a godsend, and despite being older and disabled himself, took care of Dad for months (even changing portable potties and the like). 

 

I got off topic. Anyway, nobody in the family has access right now. When we go up, there are things we want people to have, but it may not be something we get to immediately, since we have no clue where half of ANYTHING is right now. 

 

There is some money available, but I'm not sure what it would cost to have everything packed up and moved the 12 hours to us (and would probably take several moving trucks). 

I'll have to price it, though, because it isn't a bad idea. 

 

 

(hugs)

Ime, sadly, if the relatives have access they will have already taken things.

Iiwm, and the money was available, I'd hire packers and movers to get it all into storage near me so I could go through it systematically.

I'd start with the store and get it rented out ASAP to generate funds for the storage units.

(hugs)

Eta:. If there is a lot of obvious trash I'd first hire a dumpster and clear out a dumpster full.

.

 

Edited March 9, 2017 by AimeeM

[AimeeM]

I'm sorry. That sounds really hard. :grouphug:

 

If it were me, I'd do that visit in April and take home a few things that you definitely want to keep (like, one statue, one instrument, one box of music, or whatever limits you feel are reasonable). Then I'd hire out the rest of the work to one of those companies that sorts through it all, trashes the trash, sells the valuables, and sends you the important documents, for a certain percentage of the total value. At least that way you won't be the one physically tossing all this family history.

I think DH plans to bring back a lot of the instruments that weren't for resale and plans to rent a small truck to do so. DH plays most of what is in his Dad's shop and house, so at least they would have some use. We're finishing up our basement right now and he's putting in a music room and recording studio. 

The statues and clothing are killing me. I love those things. We just don't have the room for them. And we have three kids -- two of whom are little boys who can get rowdy and break things :P 

 

There is quite a bit that may be able to be donated to one of the parish schools, if they have music programs (Dad would have liked that). 

 

 

[MFG]

I have no idea if they would accept donations or if there is something similar closer to you but I include this link as a thought.

http://www.museumofdivinestatues.com/

 

ETA: Would an Italian heritage museum be interested in the clothing or possibly other items?

Edited March 9, 2017 by MFG

[Guest]

Vintage clothing is hot now. Read up on local consignment stores that specialize in this.

 

You and your dh in particular must read, study, take notes on The Magical Art of Tidying Up. There will be a test--in April.

 

Set aside in your own home before you leave home the amount of storage space you are willing to use for this stuff. Everything has to fit there.

 

And take a camera and take pictures of all that is special but that you don't keep. That helped me tremendously when I was liberating things.

 

We have gone from two houses with a total of almost 6000 Sf to one with 2500 sf. And it is luveable for sure but oh my, that was a lot of work. I do feel your pain. I'm feeling it all over again this week and last week, helping family members pack up.

[barnwife]

My parents recently cleaned out my grandpa's house. It took them one month. Yes, that's a month. Their mantra was "if it doesn't fit in the car, it isn't coming home with us."

To be fair, they did mail a few boxes to various relatives (I think 6 total). Everything else was donated or sold with the house. 

 

[catz]

I would go through everything for a few hours up to a day, get the most important memories and heirlooms, and hire a company that does estate sales. You will pay through the nose, but for my grandmother it was entirely through the sale of her stufff. We did this for my grandmother when she died and still owned her home. My mom got a small check back when they were done. I would not spend days and weeks doing it unless I really wanted to. Then I'd sell the house.

 

ETA my father died almost 2 years ago so we've had a couple rounds of this. I think it is hard, but feels really good to get done with it. It's helped me dissociate people with their things. Your happy memories will always be your own and are the most important thing you carry.

Edited March 10, 2017 by WoolySocks

[Anne in CA]

 I wouldn't throw out music he composed... I would get it digitized in some way and stored on the cloud and then keep just a few pieces that he had hand composed for sentimental value. I think the clothes would sell in the right format, but I would pay to properly archive a few, they sound fascinating. 

[Storygirl]

Instead of thinking about everything at once, try thinking in categories.

 

So you might decide:

Bring all boxes of music that he composed back to your house to sort. Figure out what to do with it later.

 

Religious statues -- choose ONE. Or choose one for each member of your family and pack those for the children away until they are old enough to appreciate them. Donate the rest to a church charity store

 

Papers -- either bring all papers home or set aside time to do some paper sorting while you are there, to pare it down.

 

kitchen items -- donate all, unless there is something precious you can't bear to part with

 

bedding, linens, daily clothing -- donate all

 

clothing from Italy -- set aside and figure out what to do with it later. Donate to a museum or collector?

 

And so on. Don't consider each item as it's own thing at first. Clear out whole categories at a time. You might have different categories than those I listed above, but try to lump things together as a group.

 

We've done this when cleaning out some of my parent's things, first when they downsized, then when Mom went into the nursing home.

Linen closet...everything went except what they would need for their beds.

Pretty dishes my grandmother had collected....I chose a couple of plates and packed up the rest to donate, even though they were beautiful antiques.

Mom's clothing...all donated, though it was good quality and expensive. Gave away over 200 pairs of shoes alone. Hundreds (literally) of sweaters. She was a clothes horse.

 

It's painful. I'm sorry you have so much to sort through.

 

ETA: For tax purposes, keep a record of what you donate. We kept a paper list that just said "shirts" after which we would put hash marks as we counted and put things in bags. (So many shirts! Sigh.)

 

Edited March 10, 2017 by Storygirl

[Storygirl]

Doing this from a distance will be daunting. I'm sorry. Would any of the local people who loved him be willing to give you some of their time? They won't be able to make decisions, but they can help sort things into piles, make tally lists for you, and load things up to take them to the donation site. They can bring meals to you or entertain your children while you work.

[Guest]

Double post.

[Valley Girl]

(hugs)

 

Ime, sadly, if the relatives have access they will have already taken things.

 

Iiwm, and the money was available, I'd hire packers and movers to get it all into storage near me so I could go through it systematically.

 

I'd start with the store and get it rented out ASAP to generate funds for the storage units.

 

(hugs)

 

Eta:. If there is a lot of obvious trash I'd first hire a dumpster and clear out a dumpster full.

 

.

 

Great idea. I'd follow happi duck's advice if you can afford the moving and storage fees. Then you and DH can take your time reminisce, keep what truly means something to you, and find appropriate new homes for things that will meaning for others. For the religious statues, maybe contact the Diocese and see if they have use for them. Out-of-date clothing? Depending on what's there, local theater companies might view it as a treasure trove. Your FIL's original musical compositions? I'd save those as a legacy to future generations.

 

And the grubby relatives? Keep 'em locked out and uninvolved. If there's something you don't want that you know a particular person would value, I'd see he or she got it. But I wouldn't feel obligated unless your FIL expressed some wish for you to do something. (I remember their horrid behavior from your earlier posts about your FIL.)

 

I know it's hard...

[fairfarmhand]

The vintage clothing will have value. Don't toss that! I'd rent a pod for the week and stuff it all in there and pay the pod company to move it.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Seasider]

I think DH plans to bring back a lot of the instruments that weren't for resale and plans to rent a small truck to do so. DH plays most of what is in his Dad's shop and house, so at least they would have some use. We're finishing up our basement right now and he's putting in a music room and recording studio.

The statues and clothing are killing me. I love those things. We just don't have the room for them. And we have three kids -- two of whom are little boys who can get rowdy and break things :P

 

There is quite a bit that may be able to be donated to one of the parish schools, if they have music programs (Dad would have liked that).

What about a high shelf all around your basement - say 12-15" below the ceiling - for the statues. Are they that small? That way you could keep them (since it sounds like you want them) but they wouldn't be where the kids could knock them down, or take up other valuable surface space.

[Seasider]

As for the quality but small size clothing - I know of one inner city school here that has a work-study program. They require the students to dress nicely for interviews. Perhaps some of his suits could be donated to such a program if they are more likely to fit a smaller student.

[AimeeM]

As for the quality but small size clothing - I know of one inner city school here that has a work-study program. They require the students to dress nicely for interviews. Perhaps some of his suits could be donated to such a program if they are more likely to fit a smaller student.

He wore a size 14 in boys (smaller as time got shorter for him). Tiny, sweet man :) I'm sure, though, that if we give within the area, there are other smaller people who could use them. I'm not sure Dad's style would work for interviews (think bright red pants and cowboy shirts, lol), but we could try. 

The women's clothing may work for interviews. FIL gave me a couple of lovely skirts of his mother's, and they are more formal.

Edited March 10, 2017 by AimeeM

[AimeeM]

What about a high shelf all around your basement - say 12-15" below the ceiling - for the statues. Are they that small? That way you could keep them (since it sounds like you want them) but they wouldn't be where the kids could knock them down, or take up other valuable surface space.

 

Most of them are small, so that would probably work well! 

[TechWife]

I am making a lot of road trips. I have a six hour drive each way, so it's shorter than yours would be. I spend a week at home, a week there, a week at home and so on. I also don't have any children at home, so I have a lot of freedom. 

 

We waited about six weeks after my mom died to get started. We all needed that time. 

 

This is how we divided the work load: 

Trip 1:I started working first - I went through the furniture and boxed everything up, then all of the siblings met at the house and everyone claimed the large furniture pieces they wanted and we went through the boxes in a central location, everyone took what they wanted, some things for sentimental reasons, some for practical reasons. Then, the boxes were set aside for the grandchildren to go through. On this trip I also completely emptied my mothers' desk and set aside a lot of old records to be shredded, keeping seven years worth of tax related records and vital records such as birth certificates, marriage certificates and naturalization papers, etc.. Those records came home with me. I met with four different real estate agents over the course of a few days and picked one. 

 

Trip 2: Grandchildren had already gone through the boxes, so I consolidated the items into fewer boxes and donated what was left. I also cleaned out the bathroom & kitchen cabinets and the pantry. Everyone I know who has done this found a lot of expired food and I was no exception to that rule. I cleaned one of the bathrooms and went through the house, deciding what to repair/change/paint before we list the house for sale. This was a shorter trip. I called the shredder truck and they came and shredded everything I had set aside (very affordable).  I met with and got estimates from four contractors for repairs on the house. I selected a contractor, they drew up a contract and I signed it and put down a deposit. We rented a moving truck and delivered the large pieces of furniture to their destinations at various sibling homes. 

 

Trip 3:  I updated the homeowners insurance (it was up for renewal). My nephew and a friend of his came over and we worked to empty the attic. It came down and I looked at it immediately and decided whether or not it was trash or if it needed to be set aside for further consideration. We set aside the Christmas ornaments with the family pictures to go through later. Then, we went through the items we had set aside and made quick decisions on whether or anyone wanted a particular item, or if it should be trashed or donated. We found more financial records that I set aside to be shredded. Those I took to Office Max because it wasn't enough to call the shredder truck. I had previously told everyone that they needed to get the various pieces of furniture out the house and anything else they wanted to claim by a certain date. So, we loaded up what was left in my nephew's truck along with boxes of stuff to donate and he took those items in for donation. The contractor started on exterior work while I was there - prepping for painting and taking gutters off to get ready for a new roof. 

 

Trip 4: Hasn't occurred yet, but the main purpose of this trip is to check the work the contractors have completed to date and to see if my brother has cleaned out the garage, if not, I'll encourage him along. I'll also ask the realtor to come over and walk through the house to see how he wants it staged (my brother lives there so his belongings are there and he will need the input). This will be a very short trip, drive down one morning, drive home the next afternoon.  

 

Trip 5: I'll check on the rest of the contractors' work and give them their final payment. I'll have the chimney cleaned and the carpet cleaned.  I'll sign the real estate contract and get the house ready to show. This will be a slightly longer trip, probably a full week. I'll spend my last night in my parent's home, the home where I was a teenager. By the time I leave, there will be a "For Sale" sign in the yard. 

 

Unless I need to check on something unusual, that will be my last trip until closing. 

 

What helped: 

 

We all pretty much knew what furniture we wanted and had discussed it before my mom moved to assisted living just prior to her death. 

 

I had a dumpster placed in the driveway (there is no at home trash pickup there). We are on our third load - it's been emptied twice. This time it does have construction debris in it (like old roof shingles and old siding), though. 

 

Before I started going through the desk, I decided what papers I was going to keep and so I was able to target specific dates. My parents kept meticulous records up until just a couple of years before her death, so that helped. 

 

I scheduled appointments ahead of time, while I was at home, so I knew who I was meeting with and when. 

 

We decided to donate items we didn't want rather than to try to sell them. 

 

Everyone knew the plans for the week ahead of time, so they knew if they wanted something out of the pantry, for example, they should grab it before that date. My great-nieces used to get ready for school there, so they came in and picked up their curling brushes, etc. that they had left there for convenience - things like that. 

 

Places that take donations: St. Vincent dePaul took the clothing; a place that works with homeless people that are moving into homes took the furniture; Goodwill took the random items (dishes, knick knacks, etc.). Salvation Army was the only charity that did home pickup, but we were unable to schedule a good date (they have a three week lead time in this area). There were not many choices in this area.

 

Expenses I encountered: dumpster rental, paper shredding, eating out (after I cleaned out the kitchen) and gas - lots of gas! I'll be able to claim the dumpster rental and paper shredding for reimbursement when I settle the estate. I could claim the gas as well (travel expenses are reimbursable for the executor), but I probably won't. 

 

ETA: I recommend you keep the things that will take you the longest to go through until last. Make the quick and easy decisions first and act on them. Choose a central location for items that you will need to go through with more time - for us, we have all of the pictures in the corner of one bedroom. Each time someone came across a picture, we put it in that corner. We don't know when we are going to go through them, but we will do it together. It may be a few months. If we sell the house first, I will probably bring them to my house temporarily. For your situation, you might want to put all of the instruments in one room (if that's possible) and choose a location for all of the sheet music he wrote. Then you can go through all of that after you have room to move around and after a lot of work has already been done. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2017 by TechWife

[PrairieSong]

It sounds very hard. Keep your very favorite things, the ones you will use and the ones you love the most, and let the rest go. Find a way to honor what you do keep: a special place for a religious statue, a framed piece of music he composed, maybe a special photo album with pictures of some things you don't want to keep but do want to remember.

 

Your love for him won't go away just because you give away his material possessions.

 

{{{Hugs}}} Aimee. I'm going through the same thing.

 

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk

[Joules]

I've was "lucky" enough to have all of my parents' stuff in my house.  It took ages and my body is still recovering two months later.  

 

I do have one suggestion.  Get file boxes to sort stuff into.  You can buy them in bulk from amazon.  If there is anyone that will be getting things, put their name on a box.  As you go through things, if you find a card from that person, or a picture of that person, or something that person might like throw it in the box.  They can decide to keep it or not, but it is very freeing to pass decisions on to someone else.  There is so much guilt throwing away something that you think someone might have wanted to have.  You could also have boxes for branches of the family if there is a responsible person for each.  This was also great for multiples of things, like wedding programs and death announcements.  Toss one in each box and recycle the rest.  It may even work for the less valuable statues..."These all look about the same, one for each!"

 

The more valuable or potentially contentious things I packed by category.

 

Another suggestion is, if things are dusty or moldy, have everyone wear a mask.  Multiple bouts of pneumonia and bronchitis slow the process.

 

I'm not actually done yet, as Dad is in a home and still sometimes wants things.  There are 100 boxes at a storage facility, so we can retrieve things as he wants, but it is so helpful to know that I have gone through the things that were meaningful and they are separate from the things that can be directly donated.

[Beth S]

Thank you all for such timely advice for our family. 

This thread gave me the encouragement to face these next few months of sorting. :)

[mamakelly]

You've gotten a lot of good info already. I just wanted to add... when my husbands parents passed away, he was much more sentimental than I thought he'd be. He took way more stuff than we had room or use for. It took several *years* before he was willing and able to go back through that stuff and get rid of more. Just an FYI. It was really tough Big hugs to you.