Anybody want to offer perspective? (A marriage post)

[Aubrey]

I've been writing & rewriting this post all night in my head (while quilting). I finally gave up, turned off the sewing machine & the lights & then came back & here I am.

 

I don't know if I need advice or perspective or a kick in the behind.

 

Ok, thesis first. Dh & I don't really...I don't know. Is it spend time together? Not exactly--we see plenty of ea other. Connect, maybe?

 

It's like this. We've been out alone together maybe 2 times in the last 2 yrs. We've been out w/ nothing but a nursing baby maybe 2 times more than that. I know, for some of you that's a bunch. But our time at home...he's become very goal-oriented (since when? I don't know).

 

When he's here, he's got his to-do list (which, btw, is inevitably missing something & WILDLY misprioritized) & that's sort-of it. We can go weeks w/out any real time alone together, & he doesn't seem to notice. When we get the kids in bed, he'll list things he has to do for school or work, he'll suggest something like watching the debates (which is fine if we've had time together, otherwise it's sort-of like a misprioritized chore to *me*), or he'll...I don't know. Say he needs to go to bed early or take a shower (& then spend an hr in the tub) or whatever.

 

All of the things on his list are important & reasonable. And since I never feel like we've really had enough time together, I always end up complaining about his list. And then I feel guilty, & I begin to suspect that maybe I'm codependent or something. Needy. (Ick!)

 

I guess I'm...frustrated? w/ feeling like I'm always the one sticking up for/defending the relationship against the onslaught of LIFE. Kwim? And he has a way of springing emergencies on me at the last minute. Like papers that are due, that should have been steadily worked on all semester & are now due in 2 days. For ex. And the thing is, frustrated as I am, I suspect that it's MY fault that they've been put off. Every time he wanted to go to the library, I was probably aghast at the thought of any. more. time. away. from home.

 

Today was his day off. He's got this great job that's completely flexible, which means that every day we talk about whether he's going to work TODAY. Tuesdays, he's in class until 1PM, the job's an hr away, & so it's not really worth the drive unless he works late, usually 9PM. But that means he's gone for around 12 hrs & the dc basically don't see him.

 

Anyway, because of that kind of schedule, I'm sort-of fanatical about a day off. On his week day day off, we generally have to run some errands because I can't drive our big car & the dc won't fit in the little car & he uses it for work. So today, we had to have something notarized, fax some paperwork, & vote. But then he wanted to drive straight to church. I hadn't realized there wouldn't be time for anything else--I'd expected to *see* him (& go to the groc store & bank, lol).

 

But I got thr the shock of that, the shock of having to drive thr somewhere for dinner, despite my at-home plans, & was even relatively calm when we didn't get the dc to bed until 9PM (I don't know why!!!). But then he says he's supposed to meet w/ somebody (here in the apts) for a school assignment & would tonight be ok? :001_huh:

 

We haven't stopped since he got home an hr late this afternoon! We haven't said HELLO to ea other! But...I always feel outraged when he has to do something, & poor guy, he's gotten to where he's afraid to bring it up. And that makes me feel AWFUL. And guilty.

 

So he gets ready to go upstairs to meet this guy. It takes him nearly 1/2 an hr. Why? Because my dh & I are incredibly slow. I don't know why. I make people (my mother, who runs on Duracell) crazy because I do things so slowly, but I'm tellin' ya, he. is. mo. lass. ass.

 

I know that sounds small, but it's like this all the time. And I can't make him understand that...well...it gets to the point that we're barely roommates. I wonder if there'd be much difference between him living here & him living w/ his parents. Yeah, we *see* him a few nights a week, but all of that time is spent in kid-care, the BATHROOM (sorry), &...I don't know. It's just lost.

 

He doesn't really have time w/ the dc; he doesn't really have time w/ me. And honestly, it's easier when I don't expect it. Like when he's working late. Easier in the short run, but in the long run? I can feel it effecting our relationship, if that makes sense. But I just don't know if it's me or him or both, & it's gotten to where...I don't want to bring it up any more. Talking doesn't fix it; it just makes him feel guilty & me angry.

 

I know y'all have given ea other really great advice on things like this in the past. I need some. From someone who's not as young & melodramatic as me, lol!

 

Another factor...that I hesitate to mention...except that I've mentioned it a little before, & it's relevant...is...business meetings. He's got low-T, & this has been...a problem...for a couple of yrs. By contrast, I was raised by a single mom who was se#ually abused as a child & as an adult. I have issues, lol. Anyway, these 2 problems result in a great silence between dh & I on this issue. On his end, he doesn't notice the silence unless I point it out; on mine, it's deafening.

[emeraldjoy]

I read your post, then glanced at the ages of your children......WOW woman, you've got a load.

 

I don't have any great advice, really. I just want to say I understand.

 

I do think you should cut yourself some slack about being frustrated with him....you talked a lot about him and his responsiblities, etc, but did not mention yours which, I know, are HUGE.

 

I wonder if anyone will ever figure out the best way for the sexes to communicate, you know?

 

My mom always talks about seasons....in life, it may be helpful to ponder this idea for awhile.

 

blessings,

emerald

[Aubrey]

My mom always talks about seasons....in life, it may be helpful to ponder this idea for awhile.

 

Yeah...I know. Dh has become an...overreactor?...lately. It's like he can only see what's right in front of him, so if things aren't going well at that moment (or this yr, lol), we have a crisis.

 

Honestly, I'm probably that way, too, but less so. Imo. ;) But whichever of us is more that way, between the 2 of us, we can really see trouble where there may not even *be* any, lol. And that can make rational conversation rather limited. From time to time, heh heh.

 

Anyway. Yesterday was a 12+ hr day; tomorrow is the same. Today was not the reprieve I'd hoped for. It seems like the more we count on time to be good, the more pressure there is for that time to be good, & then the odds of it being good just plummet. Whereas when there are no expectations, there are happy surprises.

[emeraldjoy]

I HEAR you loud and clear.

[Aubrey]

Have you considered inserting yourself into his to-do list? A post-it note on the bathroom mirror "To-do - hold wife's hand and listen to her talk for 5 min." Let him know that it would make you feel especially loved if you could spend time concentrating on each-other. I know it isn't that easy but it's a start.

 

Yeah, he's been really generous about spending time w/ me. He hardly studies at home at all. But it's the way he brings it up at awkward times, so that whether he studies or not, I *feel* the pressure of it hanging over us. Or even if he doesn't say anything, he's got the panicky I-need-to-study look in his eyes. Or he warns me early in the week of something coming up that he's going to need to do, using a tone that says he's treating me w/ kid gloves.

 

I'd rather he was thinking about *me* when he's w/ me, kwim? And, as long as we're at it, I'd rather *he* thought of hanging out w/ me. He does have "time together" on his mental "to do" list, & he treats it that way. Unintentionally, you know, it's just that... well, I can read his face really well. I think there have been 3 times since I've met him that I didn't know what he was thinking. :001_huh:

[Paintedlady]

Boy have I been there at different points in my marriage, and come out stronger on the other side. I would probably call this marital drift or marital boredom. There's nothing glaringly wrong, but something's just not right.

 

I would suggest starting with some reading on changing your attitude towards your husband, which will likely (hopefully) get him to change towards you.

 

Maybe something like Dr. Laura's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" or "Staying Close: Stopping the Natural Drift Toward Isolation in Marriage" by Dennis Rainey.

 

I hope this helped. :grouphug:

[st_claire]

I think you should talk to him about it. Let him know you want to see him more. As a team, you guys need to decide what's a good amount of time for study/work/alone time/etc... each week.

 

If his sex drive is lower than what you would like have him ask his doctor about it. They have lots of meds now that really help.

 

Lastly, if he really is too busy and doesn't agree to spending more time with you, maybe you can find someone else to hang out with? I know sometimes we just want another adult to talk to etc... Maybe find a good friend and make plans to hang out with them more often? Once his school is over, hopefully he will have more time.

[Aubrey]

If his sex drive is lower than what you would like have him ask his doctor about it. They have lots of meds now that really help.

 

Ah...they could never get the rx high enough to make a difference...when I say low, I mean *dangerously* low. The dr was worried about a bunch of other problems...um...osteoporosis & such...as a result.

 

But the rx was so specialized to begin w/, ins wouldn't cover it. And the higher the dosage, the higher the cost. We haven't been able to afford it for the last yr.

[NancyinCA]

Hi Aubrey,

I remember very well those seminary days of long days with tiny kids at home while dh was studying. We had a date night every week. I lived for date night (still do-we still do it). When money was too tight to go out, we had date night at home with a bottle of wine, a loaf of french bread, and some brie. After the kids went to bed, it was date time. Maybe you could hint at some at home date...be home by 8:30...I've got some special plans...

 

Very humbly, I would also suggest asking your husband at the beginning of each week (or even the day), if there is something you can do to make his day better and easier. I have found that by asking this question, it takes my focus away from my days and onto his.

 

Hang in there! Blessings,

Nancy in CA

[Apiphobic]

Oh, wow, Aubrey. You've got a lot going on. I'm not even sure how to help.

 

You've just had a baby and you've got four young children. Plus you're homeschooling. That's a heavy load right there. Even if dh were incredibly supportive and able to do everything you wanted or needed without any hints or suggestions, you'd probably still have some frustrations.

 

Add to that the fact that dh's priorities are not in-sync with yours. I remember a period of time when I was so frustrated with my dh and felt it was better to just get in the mindset that he would not be able to do whatever it is I was wanted him to do or be there when I wanted him to be. That way I wasn't blindsided when he was late or something came up and he couldn't do such-and-such. I just had to get it in my head that I was responsible for it and not expect him to do it. Then it really was a pleasant surprise when he came home on time or could do whatever it was that I needed done. So that part sounded familiar when you talked about it.

 

I can also remember feeling exactly like you feel about wanting to spend "us" time together, as a couple, and his not realizing its importance. Something else was always coming up or took priority.

 

Something I realized about myself and dh was that my staying at home and being with the kids all the time really affected my outlook or perception about my world and our family life. His being able to go outside the home to work was another world or life outside of our family circle. So my priorities were tied up in my little world because I didn't have that outside life that he did. So I resented anything that took him away from our family circle. And I was angry because how dare he put anything else before his family?

 

But when I was able to get involved in something that was completely separate from our family circle, I could see the shifting priorities. It wasn't that anything came before our family, it was just the juggling of responsibilities and trying to do it all. And also needing to do something for myself that was outside of my home life for a change.

 

But, unfortunately, it sounds like that's going to be a lot harder for you because you've got such littles right now. That might be part of your frustration.

 

You've talked to him. He knows how you feel, because you said it doesn't go anywhere when you talk except he feels guilty. At this point, you need to focus on yourself. I don't mean put yourself first and to hell with him or anything like that. I mean, you can only change your outlook or expectations and change your behavior. I'm drawing from a book I read, and I'm hesitant to suggest it because you've already got so much going on I hate to add another "to-do" chore. But, what I'm getting is that you're angry. At your dh. And then you feel guilty about it. You're angry with his behavior. His priorities. His schedule. His lack of planning. A lot of it is tied up with him. But you can't make him change. He has to do it.

 

So, if you're lucky your library will have this book by Harriet Lerner. It's called The Dance of Anger. Not the best title, but it really is good. She has some other good books, too.

 

The Dance of Connection

 

I hope you're able to find something that helps you, and I wish you all the best. :grouphug:

Edited October 23, 2008 by Apiphobic

[joannqn]

Another book recommendation here. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

 

I'm nearly done reading it but I've been implementing changes based on what I've read all along. Actually, I started changing how I act/react before I got the book from the library because I looked at the basic info off the author's website.

 

My husband went from always busy and rarely talking to me to spending more time with me and telling me about his day and his thoughts on things.

 

He went from rarely helping with the housework, taking only the kitchen trash out, and forgetting to bring the trash can back in to doing the dishes most nights, taking the trash from every can and diaper pail out, and bringing the trash can back in without me ever saying a word.

 

He went from never showing interest in me physically to pursuing me several times a week. Honest, I thought I had the most non-man on the planet for a husband because he never initiated (maybe 6 times in 10 years) and never said a single word of complaint about our lack of bedroom activity.

 

He smiles and laughs a lot more now too.

 

Oh, and he's still working the same amount as he was before.

[Laura in VA]

Another book recommendation here. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

 

I'm nearly done reading it but I've been implementing changes based on what I've read all along. Actually, I started changing how I act/react before I got the book from the library because I looked at the basic info off the author's website.-

 

:iagree: Great book!

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: No advice, just understanding.

[Academy of Jedi Arts]

Well, the first thing that stuck out to me was he has his planner or list or whatever with his activities on it. Where is yours? What kinds of things do you do without him, or without the kids even, just for you or your goals?

 

I also noticed you have a too big car and a too little car. I don't feel comfortable driving big cars either. Is there a way you can trade one in for something both of you feel comfortable driving?

 

There was a time after dd was first born when I was stressed with being a new mother and all. My life kind of took a backseat to all that. Dh just kind of took for granted that I was just kind of here, and would be. So it wasn't a huge deal to him to spend time with me because it was just a given that I would be available whenever.

[Lolly]

Yes, it is a season. It gets better when the kids are all about elementary age, then it gets crazy again when they are all teens. From watching others, it goes back to a honeymoon stage when the kids head out to college.

 

My approach to the situation has been to not expect anything more. He has his life; the kids and I have ours. He comes into our life at his leisure. It works for us. There are days we don't see him more than 5 minutes. We take vacations without him. Of course, he is always invited to go with us. I just don't let his not being able to go stop me.

 

Gotta admit though, every once in a while, I pitch a fit and cry. 99% of the time, I'm just fine with everything. When it really gets tome, I am usually reacting to hormones. He usually has the appropriate response to tears. (First thing he does is makes me go take a nap!)

[Blueridge]

Oooo, I think it's a good idea to suggest to him that (whatever) evening is date night. Sure, that can be at home, no need to go anywhere. Tell him that you desire him...his company...his full attention, for that hour or two. Tell him that your relationship/communication/unity are to take full control during your date time together. The Lord will honor that! He needs to know that *you* have needs for his undivided attention and have a God-given need for security and devotion. He needs to put the schedule aside and slow down his thinking. Hubbies want to change the world! He can, starting with his own home. It is not selfish of you to need to be noticed. Wear something nice...light a candle...serve a provocative snack. :D So please consider telling him that you both can be blessed mightily with a regular weekly date time. Sometimes hubbies try so very hard to 'handle' all their pressures and responsibilities, that they can't see the forest for the trees. So pick a night and circle it in red on his calendar.

Ginger

[Sweetpeach]

Yes, it is a season. It gets better when the kids are all about elementary age, then it gets crazy again when they are all teens. From watching others, it goes back to a honeymoon stage when the kids head out to college.

 

My approach to the situation has been to not expect anything more. He has his life; the kids and I have ours. He comes into our life at his leisure. It works for us. There are days we don't see him more than 5 minutes. We take vacations without him. Of course, he is always invited to go with us. I just don't let his not being able to go stop me.

 

Gotta admit though, every once in a while, I pitch a fit and cry. 99% of the time, I'm just fine with everything. When it really gets tome, I am usually reacting to hormones. He usually has the appropriate response to tears. (First thing he does is makes me go take a nap!)

 

I mostly agree with you about the seasons of life . . . in a "Good Marriage" (the term used by Judith Wallerstein in her fabulous book titled the same), I get the sense that the seasons theory generally works to explain the dry moments, the disconnect etc in marriages that are basically functioning well. In our case, we had many unresolved undercurrents/dynamics that went deeper than the easy explanation of busy with kids and life. Wallerstein speaks to a healthy sexual relationship/play/falling forward as necessary to buoy us when life is otherwise unpredictable and exhausting.

 

I sense from Aubrey's first post that there might be more that she's trying to process. Sadly, (as many of us know first hand) processing under the blanket of extreme exhaustion/effort of a whole family of littles makes everything seem a million times worse.

 

Seems like you've married a wise man . . . " Baby, how 'bout you go take a nap while I make dinner" has only recently been added to my dh's coping tools when I'm melting, but it sure does make all the difference.

 

Warmly, Tricia

[Carrie12345]

I think everyone has touched on all of the important things.

 

Dh and I have... I don't know. A bi-polar relationship, lol. The good times are manic, the bad times are depressive. We've never been a child-free couple and, while we certainly have fewer children than you, we have never been without a child younger than 4. And twice I've been pregnant while having 4yos.

 

I know many people put a great emphasis on date nights/times that don't include children, even sleeping children. I think that's a great idea, but not imperative. A couple *can* connect with rugrats under foot, it's just more difficult.

 

Talk and schedule.

 

Talk doesn't even have to mean speak. Dh and I are very big on emails, notes and letters. Writing gives us a chance to prioritize our thoughts, clarify them, and proofread to keep our tone in check. It also makes for a more captive audience and gives them a chance to reflect before responding.

Of course, we met online, so writing to each other has always felt pretty natural, lol.

 

Scheduling can be as specific or as broad as it needs to be for your situation. Planning to take a walk together at 7pm on Tuesdays might work, or planning to spend some time on the porch after the kids are in bed on the first nice-weather evening of the week might. But there should be some kind of plan.

 

For us, counseling really helped a few years ago. I fell into the habit of grumbling and groaning, dh fell into the habit of ignoring my grumbles and groans, and neither one of us could figure out how to go about changing things.

Our counselor was nice, but she really didn't do much. She didn't have to. Dh and I were stuck with each other for 50 minutes once a week (then every other week, then monthly) with nothing to do but talk about the situation. We found ourselves continuing the discussions during the ride home, then later that night, then throughout the week.

 

I don't think an official counselor is *needed* to accomplish that. I believe most church leaders provide the same service. And I really think that two people who are committed to improving their marriage can get the ball rolling on their own. Paying a professional did give *us an added motivation.;)

 

For the record, dh and I still wax and wane. Now it's much easier for us to recognize when things are sliding before they go too far, and we have the confidence and experience to get back on track. Also, we have not spent a moment alone together in... 18 months on Nov. 1st. Add in the fact that I'm very cranky while pregnant and you get the idea.

4 years ago, we would be just about ready to rip each other's heads off. Now we're riding the wave and doing our best to appreciate this period.

[bkpan]

Aubrey,

 

I have very little to add, you've gotten some wise replies. Just that your post made me really empathize with both of you! Our marriage has gone through similar peaks and valleys. I feel for your sense of isolation, and your dh's reality of being pulled in too many directions.

 

I would not assume that your dh doesn't struggle with the distance just as much as you do. It may just be that he has more outside distractions to keep him from being as focused. I know that in our situation, also lots of littles since close to the beginning of our marriage, I definitely think about our relationship much more than he does, simply because I CAN.

 

The idea of a sacred "us" time might really be important for this season. If you sat down and found that few hours in your week that would be ON the calendar - not to set aside - might help you both. You would have that time to strengthen each other, and then perhaps he could feel more relaxed about his other responsibilities, not "guilty" anyway.

 

Also, one more thing that has helped dh and I off and on is "dialoguing" ala Marriage Encounter. You each have your own journal and take turns coming up with questions for each other that help you to stay connected. They are not usually "heavy" questions, but just topics that continually keep your hearts open to one another, to remove the isolation. You write to your spouse a love letter with each question, and then come together to read each other's journals and discuss. The trick for us, is to do it with little pressure. I had to not be hurt if he didn't get to his journal for a few days, and vice versa. Sometimes we have been able to answer a question daily for a time, other times one or both took weeks to get time for our letter. Perhaps you could share your journals with each other during that sacred "us" time I mentioned, if not daily?

 

Just some thoughts. HTH. I can definitely say we know of what you speak.

 

Kim

[Parrothead]

I agree with what Carrie says.

 

I know many people put a great emphasis on date nights/times that don't include children, even sleeping children. I think that's a great idea, but not imperative. A couple *can* connect with rugrats under foot, it's just more difficult.

You'll have to start to change before you can expect dh to change. His behavior is a reaction to yours in everything you described.

 

Even when things are chaos in the house with the kids send him a sassy wink or pat him on the booty when you walk by with a screaming child. Let him know that even though you are up to your eyeballs in it, you still think about him. In doing something like that you have connected to him even for the briefest moment. You'll be surprised how much better your feel just by doing little things.

Talk doesn't even have to mean speak. Dh and I are very big on emails, notes and letters. Writing gives us a chance to prioritize our thoughts, clarify them, and proofread to keep our tone in check. It also makes for a more captive audience and gives them a chance to reflect before responding.

Of course, we met online, so writing to each other has always felt pretty natural, lol.

One day when the kids are down for a nap start a project of little notes that you can keep on hand to slip into his pocket, his lunch box, any where he won't expect to find one. Silly little things like hearts and your name with his, a smilie face, a quick thinking about you, one that is very important: I'm proud of you. If you can create 50 of them you'll have about a year's worth all at one time. Repeats are fine.

 

Scheduling can be as specific or as broad as it needs to be for your situation. Planning to take

a walk together at 7pm on Tuesdays might work, or planning to spend some time on the porch after the kids are in bed on the first nice-weather evening of the week might. But there should be some kind of plan.

Create your own to do list. Have him sit down with you once a week. Mesh your lists for the week so you both know what to expect. Schedule a business meeting if you need to. This will free both of you. He won't have to be afraid to ask you if he can go to the study partner's, you will know exactly what to expect when you are feeling overwhelmed. If he isn't willing to sit with you, make it difficult for him to ignore your fiddling with the lists. "Honey, you have this free spot on Tuesday morning at 11. I'm going to add a time to blow my nose okay?" Hopefully he will become interested enough to help out at some point.

 

Something to think about. Men are by nature fixers. I'd be willing to bet his schedule and to-do list are a way for him to as quickly as possible fix it so you aren't so pressured. He is thinking that if he gets done with school as soon as possible he will have more time to help you, more time to relax with you, and the like. He will be able to move you out of the little apartment, give the kids a place safe to play, etc. The harder he works, the faster things will get better.

 

You guys not communicating is a bad thing. He is trying his best to fix things for you, even if what you need fixing is what he sees. He is probably very confused by how you feel. You guys have got to talk. And you can't just start a sentence with, "Honey, we've got to talk." Just start talking to him while he is doing something mindless like changing diapers or video games or playing basketball. Those are the times that men like to talk and do it best. Getting into a habit of talking at these times will help you in the future when you need to talk to your son. Don't complain, don't nag, just talk. Re-open the lines of communication.

Edited October 23, 2008 by Parrothead

[WTMindy]

:grouphug:Aubrey:grouphug: My sil and bil just finished seminary and it was the most draining and difficult time in their whole lives. They have 3 kids that were (4, 7, 9) at the time. It was so hard to watch them struggle with time and the other stress issues going on during that intense time. I think Satan is probably working overtime to distract these men from completing their seminary. So, I would say part of your main job is to pray for him like crazy!! You probably already do that, but I would make sure I am spending time every day focusing just on praying for all areas of his life.

 

I don't know how much longer that he has until he has finished, but I would reset my expectations such that I knew that I would not be his main priority until he is done. For me, it is all about how I set my expectations. If I expect that we are going to go out to dinner and it doesn't happen, I am grumpy and unhappy. If I set my expectations that we are NEVER going to go out to dinner, then I'm so thankful if it ever happens. :001_smile:

 

You are still in such a vulnerable time-you JUST had a baby and life is crazy. I would try really hard to focus on the good things and not the things that aren't going right. Try to think about running errands together as a date. Maybe you can do something to make it special. Pack a fun snack for the family and announce that you are going on a family date to the bank (or whatever) and put on some silly music and sing together. For me, I find things usually start and end with me. If I wait for dh to make it perfect, I'm probably going to come away disappointed, but if I choose to have a good attitude about it, it usually comes out much better.

 

You have received some great advice. I think having a weekly scheduling meeting where you ask him what he has going on that week and what you can help him with.

 

Be gentle with yourself and with him! This is a difficult time!!!!

[Mad Jenny Flint]

You do have a lot on your plate. Marital satisfaction has been shown to decrease when there are small children in the house. Check. So, know that it is a season.

 

It sounds like you do get plenty of time with your husband, it is just not the sunshine and daisies time you would like to have. Some of that I think is just part of the territory for this season. Some of it is knowing how to communicate about your needs, and just communicate in general.

 

Your husband sounds just like me. It seems like he just wants to have some structure and predictability to his days without being (what my husband would call) "badgered" about how he is going to spend this moment, and the next, and the next. If he knows when the time he needs is coming, he will likely be able to relax during the other times.

 

Part of the issue I think is that you are young and in a young stage of your marriage. Part of the task is just growing through this stage. Gratitude for what you do have and re-framing your problems in a way that makes you feel a little less neglected will help. Also, having your own things outside of children will help (even if it is something really small). A hobby that you spend a few minutes per day cultivating will help keep you grounded.

[Danestress]

When I am in school, school is the world. You have accountability to a relatively large number of people - all your professors expect good work, and then your DH also has a job. For me, I know I would go into "living up to their expectations overdrive." I always felt so sorry for married students in law school. I studied all. the. time and I LIKED being able to study all the time. It was important to me that I produce really good work. I don't have the type of personality that is happy producing shoddy work because I wanted to play with the baby or watch a movie with a husband. I'm not like this about everything. I am pretty content to let housework slip or having a quickie soup for dinner so that I can enjoy time with loved ones. But school feels different.

 

It just seems to me that you have made a choice (or maybe your DH made it? Is that part of the problem?) that he will be in school AND will be the wage earner. That's a big decision because someone in graduate school who has a job pretty much doesn't have time for anything else. I think if you really want him to get that degree, you need to make that degree a major family priority. I think you need to let him go to the library at night. I think you need to let him work on the weekends, and I think you need to really work on not projecting disappointed in thos decisions, because it's going to stress him out.

 

I think you need to reevaluate all of this. Somehow, you reached the joint (?) decision that you would stay home and homeschool and not work, and that he would work and also be in school. That's not a decision everyone would make. there are major, major sacrifices predictable in that decision. But if you really want to be with the kids all day and not have a job, and you really want him to be in school and also have a job, I think you need to accept that he's going to be very busy and very distracted.

 

I'm not saying that you should expect no time with your husband. I would want regular business meetings at the very least:) But from the way you describe it, it sounds there is a fair amount of tension about how he spends the time that he isn't actually in class or at work. Class time is a very small amount of the commitment of graduate school. FOr every hour he spends in class, I would predict three hours of FOCUSED study - at home if possible, or in the library. Maybe you need to acknowledge that, and ask for a much smaller helping of actual time, but then ask that he in return spend that time (even if it's just one hour) actually really focussed on you and not thinking about work or school.

 

Sometimes what makes us frustrated is dashed expectations. If you can convince yourself to expect less during this phase, you might be happier.

[Parrothead]

I thought of something else while I was on my walk this morning. Do you get any time for you? I imagine that is hard with all your littles around during the day. Could you possibly focus on yourself for an hour or two if your dh did work Tuesdays? What would you do for yourself if you had time after the kids went to bed and before your dh got home on Tuesdays? Give yourself a mani/pedi, meditate, pray, read, stare at the walls and destress?

 

Instead of thinking about it as a way that your two are apart, think of it as a way that you can take care of yourself.

Edited October 23, 2008 by Parrothead

[jamnkats]

Honey, there is so much here and your life is so crazy, and your baby is still little and I suspect you need to sleep almost as much as you need a hug from you man.:grouphug:

 

Two things come to mind quickly. Have you considered inserting yourself into his to-do list? A post-it note on the bathroom mirror "To-do - hold wife's hand and listen to her talk for 5 min."

 

This is so true and made me laugh - whenever Jamie finds one of my lists, he will frequently insert one more item (inbetween others so it isn't so noticeable until I'm laughing uncontrollably in the mercado) "blow jamie".

[amy g.]

I have been where you are, and we have a strong, happy marriage of 17 years. I agree that it is just a season.

 

Here is how I handle it when our relationship is getting distant, and I'm unhappy.

 

First, I give him the respect that I would give a stranger. I was raised in a crazy household, and I have no idea how intimate relationships are supposed to look, so I pretend that we are not family members.

 

What if I was a single mother with 4 children, and this nice man got up before dawn every day to go to work and support us? What if he never asked anything in return? Would I demand more from him, and blame him for my unhappiness?

 

I would make a point of thanking him for every single thing he did. "Wow, it's so great that you were able to fix the septic system, and save us thousands of dollars. " I really appreciate your going back packing with our son. Spending this time with you now, is going to mean so much to him his entire life."

 

Second, I get real busy creating a happy life for the kids and myself. When we don't have a car, or money to go somewhere, we might make gingerbread houses for supper, have a slumber party in my bedroom or anything that makes us feel close and happy.

 

Disclaimer: I don't know how this works for other men.

 

When my husband sees a close, happy family, and there is no pressure on him to do anything, he feels an irresistible urge to be included. He starts to seek us out, and make us a priority. This means so much more to me than if he does things for me because I insist.

 

We do not schedule time alone, and hardly ever have any. Dh has been out of town every week for the past 5 weeks, and then was out of town last weekend as well. I've just had to make everything work without his help. It sure isn't easy.

 

Sunday night, it was his idea to hurry up and get the kids to bed. We had several hours to lie in bed and connect and talk. He told me how much everything I do for our family means to him, and how proud he is of us all. Having that quality time, freely given, made up for all of the time he has been away, busy with other things.

 

Again, I can only talk about what works with my husband, but in our case, talking hasn't ever done anything except create more distance. I have to change my outlook, and my behavior to get the changes that I want from him.

[Remudamom]

I have no advice that hasn't already been given, so I'm just "bless your heart" -ing you.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

All I can say is that I understand more than I would care to admit. :grouphug:

[Jami]

((Aubrey))

 

You've received some good advice here. I don't really have much to add. I tend to think Danestress is right, in that, something just has to be sacrificed if getting him through seminary and having him be the primary income earner are critical to your family. (And I think for this season that probably is the best set up for you guys).

 

I'm guessing that the detailed to-do lists (even misprioritized ones) are a survival mechanism for him. Men don't usually multi-task very well and need specific things to fix and accomplish. When we had a very busy season of life a few years back--dh working 60 hours a week, two small children and a baby on the way, dh head deacon at the church, a large house needing upkeep--this was how he functioned best. I didn't always like how he used his down time, particularly if diaconal or house priorities had to be taken care of first, which often they really did have to be the top thing on the list.

 

For us, for dh, this kind of pace of life (coupled with his genetic makeup and personality) ended in depression. It may be that L needs to get through this phase of your lives in this way, or end up in bed unable to do any of it because it's all too overwhelming. That's where we ended up. And considering his low T, I'd really be on the lookout for that if he feels like he's failing you and the family and can't keep up with it all.

 

But I know you need some special time with him, to feel like you are more than a roomate. I wish the scary uncle would just move out of in-laws house so that you guys could have a few kid free nights now and then. :( Even if it means he studies and you sew, but in peace and just the two of you.

 

:grouphug:

 

Jami

[Kathleen in VA]

Aubrey,

 

You have gotten some absolutely excellent advice here. I think Parrothead and Danestress are spot on. Like so many have said, you are going through a season. This will not be how it is forever and ever.

 

You remind me so much of my pastor's wife, Jane. She has spoken of her years at seminary before and I was always amazed at how she managed to get through it and keep her sanity. There is always a joy in her voice and she is the dearest lady you'll ever meet. She, too, had four littles then and she calls her daughter, Grace, her "seminary baby" because she was born while they were there.

 

Grace is in her late 30's now and has six or seven children. Six of Jane's seven children are married now and have large families so there are about 35 grandchildren now - the youngest was born a few weeks ago.

 

During their early years of marriage, Pastor wanted to participate in a cross-country bicycle trip with some other fellows. He refers to this in his sermons from time to time and always points out how selfish he was acting at the time and how unkind he was being to his wife without realizing it. While he was on that trip all four of his children (very young at the time) came down with chicken pox. Jane was far from family so had to deal with this all on her own. She also had to walk several blocks, children in tow, to the laundromat each week. They used cloth diapers, btw. Yes, it was quite difficult for her and I imagine she had her moments of self-pity. But she got past that and forgave him and he realized down the way that he had been a brute and learned to be more sensitive to her. It strengthened their marriage and they are still going strong.

 

I'm sharing this with you so you can try to put your struggle in perspective. This really is a very short time in your life. Jane is almost 70 now and she and Pastor have one of the most precious marriages - about 50 years now.

 

You are a young mom with very young children. Aubrey, this is one of the most difficult periods any woman experiences. It is exhausting, isolating, monotonous. It will pass.

 

Something else I thought of is that your dh is very different than you are. With each baby comes a sense of urgency that he must be a good provider for you all. His focusing on his schoolwork and job is actually a sign of affection and love for all of you. He wants to do well so that he can take care of you. He does not express affection by staring longingly into your eyes over a candlelight dinner:) - he expresses it by preparing himself to make a good living so that he can start providing for his family as soon as possible. That's how guys show they care.

 

He sounds a bit like me. A bit scatterbrained and living one minute to the next. That can be maddening for someone who is a planner, organizer type. If you want to keep your sanity, you must lower your expectations and just love him as he is. Expect to be surprised by interruptions, late night study sessions, calls that he is going to do something else before he makes it home, etc. If you expect it, then you won't be so shocked when it happens. Embrace his quirkiness and just enjoy his desire to want to work hard on your behalf.

 

Others have said and I agree that you need to shift your focus to being a supportive wife. He is showing you by his hesitancy to talk and by treating you with "kid gloves" that he is tense about disappointing you. Choose not to be disappointed - no matter what. Choose instead to go with the flow. Make your goal to make his life easier. He, too, has quite a bit on his plate. Find ways to make his life more enjoyable and start by letting go of all your expectations. He loves you - you know that deep down. Rest in that and go about your day thinking of ways to show him that you love him.

 

My husband works two jobs - always has. He gets up early to be at the post office at 7am and delivers mail all day -many days until 5 or 6pm. He grabs a snack (or not) and then cleans 2-3 doctors' offices every night of the week. He stops at the grocery store to get milk or bread many nights as well. He gets home most nights at 9pm or later. He has done this for 22 years. He NEVER complains. That work is his way of saying, "I love you." He rarely brings gifts - even for my birthday or Mother's Day. He does pay the bill for garbage pick up and high-speed internet - those are his "gifts" to me.:) On his days off he works on developing databases (his true passion is computers - especially databases) because he knows retirement will be in the picture soon and he wants to get a job in the computer field. He sits at that computer for hours on end. If I am not careful, I can be very put out about it. But, I know he is thinking of me and our retirement years. I love him for that. I bring him cups of coffee and listen to him rattle on about how he's made this or that breakthrough. It's all over my head - but I try to listen and act interested because it is important to him. He knows I don't get it most of the time - but he appreciates having someone to bounce it off of since that helps him to process the information. It took me LONG time to get to this way of thinking. I am naturally inclined to let my blood boil when I am not getting my way or what I think would satisfy me. God has had to put me through the proverbial wringer to get me to the point of being calm and accepting of my situation.

 

Marriage is about dying to self. It is the most sanctifying thing in our lives, followed closely by having children. Take all these concerns to the Lord in prayer - trust Him to provide what you need. Then turn your attention to fulfilling your husband's needs - mold your life to his. It's that whole "seek your life you will lose it/lose your life you will find it" thing.

 

Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God, which passeth all understanding will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

[Denisemomof4]

If I were you, I'd take the bull by the horns and plan something special fairly regularly. You two can have a candle lit dinner after putting the kids to bed early. If your oldest doesn't go to bed early, have him listen to stories on tape. But DO make sure that you're putting effort into having special time with him, time to CONNECT. It's SO EASY to get lost in raising kids, especially with as many babies as you have! It's going to take work and effort, but the connection will happen.

 

After you've felt a better connection with him, THEN tell him you miss him and want to have time with him. Do not say anything accusatory like, "you're always doing this and that, and what about ME?" Just tell him you miss him and you want to spend more time with him. I can tell you it will get easier as your kids get older, but you have a way to go!

 

Can you have a friend sit with the kids and simply go for a walk with him? Even a moonlit walk! I personally LOVE those types of walks!

 

My husband and I have been through what you describe, minus the "intimate" part. We somehow always had time for that until recently. But I realize we need to work on it, as does he, but we've just had too many crisis' in the past year. It's been unbelievable. Anyway, it's just going to take commitment and work to get beyond this. It's hard work, but I took the responsibility to make sure we had time together, and my husband SO appreciated it!

 

About those To-Do lists, men are that way. They are all about work. And your husband, to top it off, probably feels obligated to work, work, work to support your family. I have spoken to my husband about this issue, and sometimes he's overwhelmed at the thought of having to provide for six of us. I can only imagine what his load is like! So I try to make our home his haven when he arrives. I try to have everything picked up, not a lot to do so that he can REST and be iwth me and the kids at the end of the day. But that's NOT going to happen with two babies. This is a SEASON in your life and it will pass, but you still need to make sure you're taking the time to connect with hour husband.

 

I found that date night was fine, but I'm just such an easy person. I love grabbing a coffee and a stack of books at Barnes and Noble just as much as I love a fancy play in Boston with an expensive dinner. In fact, I think I like B&N better. But it doesn't have to be time away. It just has to be time when children are in bed.

 

I really am trying to get my words out just right, I just feel so scattered today so TI think I need to go now. :001_smile:

 

Denise

[rafiki]

.

[bkpan]

Aubrey,

 

You have gotten some absolutely excellent advice here. I think Parrothead and Danestress are spot on. Like so many have said, you are going through a season. This will not be how it is forever and ever.

 

You remind me so much of my pastor's wife, Jane. She has spoken of her years at seminary before and I was always amazed at how she managed to get through it and keep her sanity. There is always a joy in her voice and she is the dearest lady you'll ever meet. She, too, had four littles then and she calls her daughter, Grace, her "seminary baby" because she was born while they were there.

 

Grace is in her late 30's now and has six or seven children. Six of Jane's seven children are married now and have large families so there are about 35 grandchildren now - the youngest was born a few weeks ago.

 

During their early years of marriage, Pastor wanted to participate in a cross-country bicycle trip with some other fellows. He refers to this in his sermons from time to time and always points out how selfish he was acting at the time and how unkind he was being to his wife without realizing it. While he was on that trip all four of his children (very young at the time) came down with chicken pox. Jane was far from family so had to deal with this all on her own. She also had to walk several blocks, children in tow, to the laundromat each week. They used cloth diapers, btw. Yes, it was quite difficult for her and I imagine she had her moments of self-pity. But she got past that and forgave him and he realized down the way that he had been a brute and learned to be more sensitive to her. It strengthened their marriage and they are still going strong.

 

I'm sharing this with you so you can try to put your struggle in perspective. This really is a very short time in your life. Jane is almost 70 now and she and Pastor have one of the most precious marriages - about 50 years now.

 

You are a young mom with very young children. Aubrey, this is one of the most difficult periods any woman experiences. It is exhausting, isolating, monotonous. It will pass.

 

Something else I thought of is that your dh is very different than you are. With each baby comes a sense of urgency that he must be a good provider for you all. His focusing on his schoolwork and job is actually a sign of affection and love for all of you. He wants to do well so that he can take care of you. He does not express affection by staring longingly into your eyes over a candlelight dinner:) - he expresses it by preparing himself to make a good living so that he can start providing for his family as soon as possible. That's how guys show they care.

 

He sounds a bit like me. A bit scatterbrained and living one minute to the next. That can be maddening for someone who is a planner, organizer type. If you want to keep your sanity, you must lower your expectations and just love him as he is. Expect to be surprised by interruptions, late night study sessions, calls that he is going to do something else before he makes it home, etc. If you expect it, then you won't be so shocked when it happens. Embrace his quirkiness and just enjoy his desire to want to work hard on your behalf.

 

Others have said and I agree that you need to shift your focus to being a supportive wife. He is showing you by his hesitancy to talk and by treating you with "kid gloves" that he is tense about disappointing you. Choose not to be disappointed - no matter what. Choose instead to go with the flow. Make your goal to make his life easier. He, too, has quite a bit on his plate. Find ways to make his life more enjoyable and start by letting go of all your expectations. He loves you - you know that deep down. Rest in that and go about your day thinking of ways to show him that you love him.

 

My husband works two jobs - always has. He gets up early to be at the post office at 7am and delivers mail all day -many days until 5 or 6pm. He grabs a snack (or not) and then cleans 2-3 doctors' offices every night of the week. He stops at the grocery store to get milk or bread many nights as well. He gets home most nights at 9pm or later. He has done this for 22 years. He NEVER complains. That work is his way of saying, "I love you." He rarely brings gifts - even for my birthday or Mother's Day. He does pay the bill for garbage pick up and high-speed internet - those are his "gifts" to me.:) On his days off he works on developing databases (his true passion is computers - especially databases) because he knows retirement will be in the picture soon and he wants to get a job in the computer field. He sits at that computer for hours on end. If I am not careful, I can be very put out about it. But, I know he is thinking of me and our retirement years. I love him for that. I bring him cups of coffee and listen to him rattle on about how he's made this or that breakthrough. It's all over my head - but I try to listen and act interested because it is important to him. He knows I don't get it most of the time - but he appreciates having someone to bounce it off of since that helps him to process the information. It took me LONG time to get to this way of thinking. I am naturally inclined to let my blood boil when I am not getting my way or what I think would satisfy me. God has had to put me through the proverbial wringer to get me to the point of being calm and accepting of my situation.

 

Marriage is about dying to self. It is the most sanctifying thing in our lives, followed closely by having children. Take all these concerns to the Lord in prayer - trust Him to provide what you need. Then turn your attention to fulfilling your husband's needs - mold your life to his. It's that whole "seek your life you will lose it/lose your life you will find it" thing.

 

Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God, which passeth all understanding will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

 

Thank you for this post. I needed to read this today!:bigear:

[lovemywhirlygirls]

Audrey--I commit to pray for you in the coming days and weeks (I've got a post-it-sticky reminder on my computer).

 

I tend to agree that for change to come in this situation, it needs to begin with you. I can tell you that I have done the very difficult exercise of changing MY perspective and attitude and expectations (which didn't always look pretty--sometimes I was pretty ticked about it internally) and I can tell you that I am seeing changes. Good changes. It's not anything new...but it is truly amazing how BEING patient, BEING loving, BEING supportive, BEING attentive, BEING (really) OK with crazy schedules changes everything. My experience is that it has changed me AND my husband....AND positively affected my children. We are now at the point, that he is not just beside me (as a roommate), but comes toward me with scheduling, gratitude, more non-sexual affection, help around the house etc. Now we can have discussions about plans/needs/desires and the situation is not toxic.

 

I fully realize that the idea of doing this now when you are tired, frustrated, lonely, hurt, overwhelmed etc. seems impossible, but I encourage you to pray for courage and energy and a heart that's turned toward the process. You are, in fact, in this situation. You can stay stuck, or lean toward change. EVEN IF, he doesn't change (over time--which would surprise me), YOU will get the blessing of a better attitude and perspective etc. and that is good for you and your children (mentally, spiritually and physically).

 

You don't know me. Maybe something resonates in my post or in some of the other posts lovingly and respectfully submitted. Definitely take this to the Lord and I'll pray that He gives you a sense of how to move forward.

 

By the way, thank you for being brave to share this with us. Thank you for inviting us in a little. I have been encouraged and convicted by some of the ideas/reminders here. Good stuff.

[Dani n Monies Mom]

My dh and I have dealt with this too, here's his perspective, HTH, Ava

 

As my wife's dh I say your husbands day just gets busy. When I get up I have a plan of things that need to get done. Invariably more things are added throughout the day and I never seem to get it all done. Quality time with the wife is always on the list but often gets pushed back to the next day which gets pushed back again and again. Before you know it weeks go by and it's an issue. Try this: at the beginning of the week, ask you dh to schedule some quality time and let you know when in the week it is. This will set it in his brian and schedule so it doesn't get pushed to the next day. Try to make it special so the next week your time gets a high priority on his mental to do list.

 

Ava's dh

[ma23peas]

Excellent, excellent replies!!

 

Give yourself some time. My hormones and all weren't back to normal until almost after a year after giving birth, that can play into this somewhat.

 

Give yourself permission. You have our permission to sit and enjoy these precious moments in each of your children's lives...use this time when he is busy to commit to encouraging each of them in their own special gifts. He will not always be in school (we hope!!) and you have our permission to tell him how difficult this has been for you and that when he is out of school that he will make it a priority to have a date night...I say that rolling my eyes in a funny way because my husband and I get a date night about once a year..but ya know what? We don't mind it...we have such special times with our kids right now and we're a team...we're focusing on where God needs us and uses us and He ultimately blesses us with 'peace' in our marriage. So many marriages face horribly debilitating circumstances (health concerns, accidents etc.)...I just can't see focusing on what we don't have instead of focusing on what we do.

 

Take heart that we all go through those periods of frustration....but, it forces us to look at our situation from different views...and you find the view that helps you get through this the easiest...do tell your husband it is a struggle..but that you don't want to put pressure on him, it'll just explain if you're snappy on certain days! :)

 

Tara

[AnotherE]

- whenever Jamie finds one of my lists, he will frequently insert one more item (inbetween others so it isn't so noticeable until I'm laughing uncontrollably in the mercado) "blow jamie".

 

This sounds like my husband! I'll also turn on my laptop to find my desktop background has been changed to something a bit "questionable" as well.

 

Aubrey- I don't have anything to add other than I've felt the same way in periods of my own marriage, and they passed but they shouldn't be ignored. My husband went back to school to change careers and though he tried so hard to keep up the family face time, he always seemed to be somewhere else. And then he would have to pull all-day sessions at the library followed by classes at night and I felt completely stuck at home with the kiddos, thinking I would love to spend 24 hours straight studying if it meant I could get out of the dang house and be by myself.

 

And there have been times in our marriage where I have returned to work to keep my sanity. I need to remember I am "ThatGirl" and not just "Dh's wife" or "Dkids' mother". You have small ones now, but is there a way you could pursue something just for yourself? Even a class a couple of evenings a month? A new skill you'd like to learn, a subject you'd like to know more about?

 

I know when I take time out for myself, everyone in the house can breathe easier. I don't put so much pressure on them to be my everything. It is easy to resent their being "free" when I'm feeling like I'm losing my own self.

 

Best wishes for this to pass quickly -and hopefully deepen your marriage as you work through it.

[KJB]

I'll just add that I frequently have to remind myself that I knew the deal before I got married. My husband has a HUGE job and I knew that he'd likely have a huge job before I married. I married him with my eyes wide open. And my husband goes through times when he has to work a lot. And even in his less busy work weeks, people are constantly calling him and he's expected to drop his life (OUR life) at a moment's notice to respond. It's frustrating to say the least, but it's not a surprise.

 

So, I keep focused on my work and my goals. And I look forward to the future when we can enjoy more time together again like the good old days. And when I have him alone, I try to remind him why I'm more fun than work.:lol:

[mommy2be]

so hopefully I can offer a little insight...

 

First of all, I haven't read all of the other posts so I may be repeating something, sorry in advance.

 

One thing I think that all married people sometimes do is get caught up in the fairytale idea of what a marriage should be. I'm not saying that this is the case, but maybe something to think about...? I'm not saying that marriages can't always be good and happy, because they can. But don't expect it to be perfect. Don't expect a back rub every night, great sex always, and flowers after every little disagreement. It's simply not this way, sometimes you have ups and sometimes you have downs and others it's just kind of ... ok

 

As we all know, kids make the romance side a little harder... seize every oppurtunity! Maybe just remind your husband that something like the dishes can wait... Also, if he is feeling a little disconnected the way you are the sex side might be lacking because of this. I don't really like sex if I don't feel connected with my husband... kwim?

 

I think I am kind of like your husband - whenever the baby is calm and happy I look at the time like "Ok, what can I hurry up and get done real quick?" so I'm always going, and I think I sometimes leave my husband wishing I would just stop running around for five minutes just to be with him... I don't do it on purpose, and I definetly don't want him to feel neglected, it's just hard for me to stop thinking of the things that need to get done so even if I do stop for a minute to spend time with him I feel like I've got the kitchen full of dirty dishes hanging over my head. It's hard for me to relax or be truly with him if I feel like there are things that need to be done. I'm not sure this is advice I'm giving you - or if it's more of 'I know how your husband feels'. On the other hand... I know how you feel. Our roles have been flopped before. It's funny how that happens, huh?

 

I would just suggest that maybe on one of those nights where he's taking an hour long bath try to slip in there with him...? Also, is it possible that you could help him study? My husband and I bond really well when I help him study, it turns out being pretty fun. I think we just have to take a step out of the everyday happenings and see what we can do to make things better, or what oppurtunites we could turn in to time together.You and hubby need time alone, for sure, but that time might not always be the most conventional.

 

One other thing I'd suggest trying... when you are together and you feel like he's just not really *with* you... try to ignore that and eventually he probably will be to. With me, if my husband insists that I sit with him for a few minutes the kitchen full of dirty dishes hanging over my head eventually goes away and I end up enjoying myself - so try to give your husband that same chance.

 

I hope that this doesn't all sound like a bunch of senseless rambling and that I've helped in some way...

 

And you said yourself that you may be making something out of nothing so just take a deep breath when you feel this way and remember why you love him, and things that you can do to make him smile, and remember why he loves you also! :)

[Sharon H in IL]

Yeah...I know. Dh has become an...overreactor?...lately. It's like he can only see what's right in front of him, so if things aren't going well at that moment (or this yr, lol), we have a crisis.

Aubrey, this can be a symptom of depression. A panicky workaholism that can't set priorities and can't see the forest for the trees.

 

Make an appointment with a psychotherapist and go. Maybe both of you?

 

The stress load you both are carrying has to be tremendous. Good luck. You deserve the best.

[kzdaisy]

Dearest Aubrey,

:grouphug: Remember those vows better or worse this is a worse cycle hang in there better times a- comin.Hang on you both will come out of this with more knowledge of each other and stronger relationship even tho now it seems there is no relationship.It happens in every marriage I have been married for 30 yrs.So hang on and hold on tight things will get better.

[Aubrey]

Update: Dh came home yest & told me he'd made an appt for counseling. We took turns meeting w/ the guy, so we could watch the dc, then he had his secretary watch them so he could talk to us both.

 

He said our problems were refreshing, lol. Apparently, dh went in there & said he was working. so. hard. to. make. her. happy & nothing's working. And I said he's. working. so. hard. &. won't. just. relax. When we got home & talked more, he said he'd begun to feel like I didn't like him & so he'd been sort-of w/drawn; I told him I could tell he was w/drawn but couldn't figure out why, so I'd started wondering if he still liked *me,* lol.

 

The thing is, I've been *trying* to tell him this. Anyway, we talked for a while, then watched an old movie together & went to bed at a more reasonable time w/out a baby in our bed for the 1st half of the night. I really like not having a baby in the bed.

[KatieJ]

Aubrey;. That is fantastic news. Your DH went on his own to seek counsel on the very day you were seeking counsel from the Hive.

Amazing. I think you two are deeply connected as a couple. Amazing actually.

 

I am a firm believer in no baby in the bed. Makes me a tad nuts actually to have anyone there besides my DH. I know not everyone agrees with that, but I just coulnd't handle all that snorking going on next to me, kept me awake.

[dirty ethel rackham]

When he's here, he's got his to-do list (which, btw, is inevitably missing something & WILDLY misprioritized) & that's sort-of it. We can go weeks w/out any real time alone together, & he doesn't seem to notice. When we get the kids in bed, he'll list things he has to do for school or work, he'll suggest something like watching the debates (which is fine if we've had time together, otherwise it's sort-of like a misprioritized chore to *me*), or he'll...I don't know. Say he needs to go to bed early or take a shower (& then spend an hr in the tub) or whatever.

 

All of the things on his list are important & reasonable. And since I never feel like we've really had enough time together, I always end up complaining about his list. And then I feel guilty, & I begin to suspect that maybe I'm codependent or something. Needy. (Ick!)

 

 

 

You've received great advice. One thing that jumped out at me is "where are you on his to-do list? Where is "quality time with spouse" on his list? Where is that on your list? It doesn't always have to be a lot of time, but it needs to be undivided attention. Dh and I need to work on this as well.

 

Perhaps he needs more structure of a weekly meeting to discuss the weekly schedule so you can meld your schedules, so that all needs are met including transportation issues, fewer surprises pop up and that that time is set aside for undivided "couple" time.

[swellmomma]

I have not read all the replies yet so forgive me if this is repeated. But is it possible that he is feeling overwhelmed with being the *head* of the household, provider etc, especially given the ages of your children, and this is how he is coping with it? Maybe in his mind the only way to maintain his ability to fill that roll is to focus on all those outside pressures (school, chores, work etc). Misguided yes, but possible isn't it? It's almost like he is in survival mode, of just do the next thing without taking the time to enjoy life along the way with his family. I have no words of great wisdom to help you, if I did I likely wouldn't be a single parent right now, but it seems to me at least that he is in survival mode, maybe depressed, focusing on just doing the next thing kwim.

[Aubrey]

I just coulnd't handle all that snorking going on next to me, kept me awake.

 

 

LOL!!! I know exactly what you mean! There's a period where I get the most sleep w/ baby in the bed & quickly after that, I don't. We're in the transitional phase. He's been in the bassinet increasingly for the last few weeks & he'll move to the other room once he's more solidly sleeping thr the night. The little chunker is nearly 20lb, though, so I'm thinking he should be ready pretty soon, lol.

[Anna]

Aubrey,

 

I can't believe I read through all 5 pages of your thread and to my knowledge, nobody mentioned these links: TMB forums and TMB bookstore.

 

Edited October 25, 2008 by Anna

[Desert Rat]

I've been on your page too, and still visit sometimes, like now, maybe. I don't have much more to add except talking does help, even if it's miserable and uncomfortable and embarassing. Our rule is we talk and talk and then when we think we're finished talking, we talk some more.

The other thing that works for us is that we almost always retire together, even if one of us isn't really that tired. It's the time we can talk to each other without little ones and it's just our time, even if it's only 15 minutes. Of course, Aubrey, you have not 1 but 2 little bitties in the house. That makes even that small step virtually impossible. I equate bringing a baby home to detonating a bomb in the house; it takes awhile for the dust to settle. Give yourself and your dh some time.

Hang in there and I hope you find some advise you can use.