theelfqueen Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Sullenly refuse to participate in activities... ie. Today we are at a hotel with a pool... I promised youngest that we would go to the pool in the morning before we leave. Middle utterly refuses to put on a bathing suit. So youngest is in pool and I'm in hot tub and middle is sitting fully dressed in a poolside chair reading a library book and throwing me the occasional baleful look. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Sullenly refuse to participate in activities... ie. Today we are at a hotel with a pool... I promised youngest that we would go to the pool in the morning before we leave. Middle utterly refuses to put on a bathing suit. So youngest is in pool and I'm in hot tub and middle is sitting fully dressed in a poolside chair reading a library book and throwing me the occasional baleful look. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk Would he be sullen about it if he were allowed to just choose whether he wanted to read or swim? Teens can be sullen, and prefer not to always participate in activities with the whole family...that can be normal. The rudeness isn't great, but I find we have less of it when I don't make them all do everything I say all the time. I'm not trying to say that in a snarky way -- just seriously, I had to learn that it was probably more unusual that my teens usually DID want to go along with mom and dad and younger kids...it's actually typical to separate a bit, and want some agency over choices, for teens. Honestly, if they never want to do that, they probably need some help getting to that point; it's part of growing up. So "going along" nicely would be more like, "We're going to be at the hotel during these hours; brother and I are going swimming, do you want to swim?" And the teen would say, "No, I want to read (or hit the gym or get a snack), can I meet you back up here at X o'clock?" That should be fine...inappropriate refusal would be more like, "I don't want to stay in this stupid hotel. When are we leaving?" Which is not so fine. My two cents. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheReader Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Would he be sullen about it if he were allowed to just choose whether he wanted to read or swim? Teens can be sullen, and prefer not to always participate in activities with the whole family...that can be normal. The rudeness isn't great, but I find we have less of it when I don't make them all do everything I say all the time. I'm not trying to say that in a snarky way -- just seriously, I had to learn that it was probably more unusual that my teens usually DID want to go along with mom and dad and younger kids...it's actually typical to separate a bit, and want some agency over choices, for teens. Honestly, if they never want to do that, they probably need some help getting to that point; it's part of growing up. So "going along" nicely would be more like, "We're going to be at the hotel during these hours; brother and I are going swimming, do you want to swim?" And the teen would say, "No, I want to read (or hit the gym or get a snack), can I meet you back up here at X o'clock?" That should be fine...inappropriate refusal would be more like, "I don't want to stay in this stupid hotel. When are we leaving?" Which is not so fine. My two cents. Yes, this. Both of my older boys began, around 13-ish, to want to sit on the sidelines vs get in and participate, particularly if it was something they deemed "young" or "childish" in any way, or even just something they had enjoyed as a "kid" and kind of felt maybe they were getting too old for. When we switched from nagging, cajoling, prodding, and thereby frustrating and annoying everyone to a more pleasant "here's where we'll be, bring what you need in order to be comfortable/occupied" and let them choose to sit by and read vs. get in the water (for ex), it was better. For family vacations, we try to have a day geared to them and a day geared towards the younger, &/or a day where we split into groups, &/or split the day into morning/afternoon where one activity is geared towards one set and the flip is geared towards the other. It's resolved into an ability for us as a family to have enjoyable vacations again, even on those times when one kid is happily digging in the sand, one is reading a book not even wearing beach clothes, and one is off walking the beach picking up shells and cleaning the beach of trash. We also had to learn to take a "that's fine, enjoy" attitude towards it, rather than engage in the debate over who's going to do what. You want to sit and not participate for whatever reason? We'll leave you to it, but we're not going to abandon our fun because of it. That helped immensely in our attitudes/pleasantness of the trip, even if it didn't get the teen joining in. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theelfqueen Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yeah that's where I am... mostly... if he'd just stop with the sullent projections of misery, it'd be better lol ... my Oldest was almost never like this and the middle just exhausts me with the attitude... it's pretty unrelenting right now. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 btdt. we went to go watch a meteor shower .. . but where we went was really cloudy so we drove further. we got the aurora borealis. not often is it this far south. we set up air mattresses and sleeping bags to keep warm. he. wouldn't. get. out. of. the. car! he's now a very pleasant and enjoyable adult. I'm heading for an even worse experience with an even more sullen dudeling. shoot me now. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I guess I don't understand the problem. Are you upset the teen didn't want to swim? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWillSoar Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) My kids are like that. Right now one is mad at me about a field trip I planned. It has me second guessing but it goes perfectly with what we've been studying. I'm torn between "I'm the teacher and this is for school," and "It would be great to get out of the house and do something different because you know, burn out," and "Well, if they don't want to go, maybe I should just scrap it." It's tough. Edited February 28, 2017 by HeWillSoar 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 We definitely had this Pulling Back from the Kids Stuff when my older kids hit the teen years. DS21 felt it the strongest I think - he hates being lumped with much younger DD. Giving choices seemed to help- letting him sleep in the hotel room while I took her to the pool. Letting him read in the shade while she played at a playground. It helped once he got to about 16yo and truly felt separated and that we weren't treating him like a little kid. Hugs - the prickly days can be tough with teens, but it's worth it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HomeAgain Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 We definitely had this Pulling Back from the Kids Stuff when my older kids hit the teen years. DS21 felt it the strongest I think - he hates being lumped with much younger DD. Giving choices seemed to help- letting him sleep in the hotel room while I took her to the pool. Letting him read in the shade while she played at a playground. It helped once he got to about 16yo and truly felt separated and that we weren't treating him like a little kid. Hugs - the prickly days can be tough with teens, but it's worth it. This. I stopped requiring my teen to participate and instead invited him. He's missing out on a great class the youngest and I are doing because "it didn't sound interesting". Well, it is, he's slightly regretting it now, but he knows the invitation always stands and we welcome him. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theelfqueen Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Unicorn, mostly it's just the dread Ultimate (my phone autocorrected dreadful to dread ultimate. I am not sure how I misspelled to get that but I kinda love it lol) attitude, especially after I didn't say a word when he made himself a plate of waffles with Nutella, chocolate syrup and whipped cream for breakfast at the hotel buffet lol...just not my day to be patient, I guess. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I just plan fun stuff. You can sulkily pout through it or enjoy yourself but I will not be made miserable because you insist upon being that way. I fake oblivion. "Isn't this FUN guys!" They can opt to sit to the side and read a book, but if something costs money, I won't drag their butts along and pay for the privilege of goading a pouter through the experience. I do remind them that younger siblings do have to sit through THEIR boring (to the younger sibling) activity, so they can sit through their siblings' BORING stuff. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 My teens were not required to participate in leisure time activities they did not want to. They had to option to decline and do something else instead. One exception was when, at age 15, we took DS with us to Germany to visit family because we did not feel comfortable leaving him home without a driver license. He protested and showed his objection by refusing to adjust to the time difference: went to bed after breakfast and got up for dinner :) But normally, I see no need to force a teen to join me on leisure activities. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yes. Mine loves roller coasters and Busch Gardens (we have annual Florida passes). Except he only rides the rides if one of his friends is with us. If it is just our family he sits there with a P.O'ed look on his face the entire time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I haven't had this problem, but I think it's because my two are close in age. So, there aren't younger siblings doing "kiddie" things. This thread is reminding me of my older brother though. We are 10 years apart. I remember when he got really jerky on our annual camping trips, and then stopped going altogether. It was sad for me... for a bit... then it was nice because his sulky self was not around. I think the camping trips stopped when my sister (5 years older, right in between big bro and me) started getting to that point. This was in the mid-to-late '60s. So, obviously nothing new! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Well, one thing I notice is my teen will automatically think my idea is not good as soon as I suggest it. I don't say a word after and often he comes around on that. There is no point in arguing with him because he currently knows EVERYTHING. And I get it, it's really tiring and HUGE to know everything. So I let him be. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I'm on the other side of that with my 21 year old daughter. She *hated* being dragged around to the boys' musical performances, rehearsals, and lessons. As soon as she was old enough to leave at home I left her. And now she gets upset with me if I forget to tell her about a performance. She actually comes to their performances. I still can't quite believe it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I make my teen go to his brother's choir shows. He moans about it, but the way he acts while there, I think he enjoys them. He'd never admit to it, but yeah I really think he does. He just hates leaving the house period so that's part of it (I'm the same way so I get it). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I have had a bit of that....usually ds17 not wanting to hang around just dh and me and our friends. I make him sometimes because I don't think it is good for kids to have only peer aged friends. I know the one year that older dss came around...he is 4 years older than ds and 5 years older thank dss....he did that sullen not wanting to participate thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baseball mom Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Unless it is life or death I just ignore them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Unicorn, mostly it's just the dread Ultimate (my phone autocorrected dreadful to dread ultimate. I am not sure how I misspelled to get that but I kinda love it lol) attitude, especially after I didn't say a word when he made himself a plate of waffles with Nutella, chocolate syrup and whipped cream for breakfast at the hotel buffet lol...just not my day to be patient, I guess. Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk That sounds delicious. :lol: And like something my now-adult DS would've made. And might still make! We went through a phase when he said, "No, thank you," to everything. Everything. Gaaaaah! Drove me batty. But we just rolled with it, and he'd tag along in his clothes, sitting on the side of the pool throwing those baleful looks. We'd then finish and go do whatever fun thing we had planned, and he'd tag along for that, too. Either he grew out of it, or we eventually wore him down to having fun again, but it did stop. So there's hope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Oh yes. Every vacation my teen would throw some sort of fit about not wanting to do what we had planned. I can't leave him at a campground ALL DAY, so he has to come, but it ruins most of the day until on the way back to camp he mutters it was fun. UGH!!! I ask twice now. Then he comes along and sit on the side or trudge behind us. But not putting on a swimsuit and then wanting to go swimming? Nope, not going back for it. suggested he bring a scooter or bike. Nope, not going back for it. You don't have to play putt putt but you have to walk along with us, why not just hold the club so the picture looks better ;-) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 We had two teens visiting from Denmark. Brother and Sister. My boys were much younger then. But I got cheap tickets to the local, but big water slide park (It had 15+ water slides, and a wave pool). The visiting teens were asked if they wanted to come. They said, "yes". No one forced them to in any way. They then both sat at the table and did nothing related to the water. The sister didn't want to get her hair wet. The brother didn't want to leave her alone since she would have no one to visit with. So they sat the whole time. I'm just thinking, "Why? Why? bother coming?" Those two kids were known for the fact they did NOTHING the whole time they were in Canada. They didn't seem to enjoy any activity offered to them that involved moving, talking, and/or thinking. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't remember being like this.maybe I was. But why? Why do some teens do this stuff? Anybody remember the thought process? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't remember being like this.maybe I was. But why? Why do some teens do this stuff? Anybody remember the thought process? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Well here is my explanation for this scenario. I'm mom. I promised one kid to swim in the pool. Whether or not I want to go...thing is...I promised. I'm an adult, I promised, I just go with it, and I'm happy to make my kid happy. Now for a moment I'm teen sibling. I don't feel like going swimming. I didn't promise anyone anything. I'd rather just go home. I don't care about making my sibling happy. I'm not mature enough to keep my attitude 100% in check. I have no say in my life, people just make me do stuff. Hormones are grumping me out (although I'm not thinking that) so control over my moods is difficult sometimes. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't remember being like this.maybe I was. But why? Why do some teens do this stuff? Anybody remember the thought process? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk I remember being like this sometimes. For me it was during holidays. I remember being told how I needed to be grateful for being taken on the holiday. That I needed to be thankful. Meanwhile the holiday, which was my Dad's idea of fun was not in any way shape or form me idea of fun. I could understand being told, "This is what we are going to do. You have to do it. It would be more pleasant if you act content with it." But the whole, "Be grateful and thankful" think really annoyed me. My Dad's idea of a fun holiday was drive for several days to the coast. Stopping at the local things such as, "Largest ball of yarn". Then spend a day or two at the most at the coast, then turn around and spend several days driving back. It soured me towards any holiday that involved lots of driving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SanDiegoMom Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 My daughter at 13 sat in the hotel room the entire time we were in Hawaii. We rarely took vacations that big -- we were going for mid deployment leave from my husband's year long in Afg, and she literally sat in the hotel room for almost the entire 8 days! Now that she is older I understand it more, however. We didn't do much more than lay around with a few short side trips -- my husband was exhausted and needed a lot of down time, but for a teenager with 6 year old siblings, that wasn't very exciting. So she preferred just to be by herself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Our oldest sulked through Disneyworld, the Atlanta Aquarium, the Chattanooga Aquarium, several ski trips, and Blue Springs State Park-how can you sulk when there are MANATEES, for heaven's sake!!! I think it is a way to feel in control during a time when they don't feel in control about a lot of things. "You can make me go on this sucky vacation, but you can't make me like it!" We just dragged him along, ignored the attitude, and let him see us having a good time. He is now a delightful 23 year-old who loves traveling, go figure! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Our oldest sulked through Disneyworld, the Atlanta Aquarium, the Chattanooga Aquarium, several ski trips, and Blue Springs State Park-how can you sulk when there are MANATEES, for heaven's sake!!! I think it is a way to feel in control during a time when they don't feel in control about a lot of things. "You can make me go on this sucky vacation, but you can't make me like it!" We just dragged him along, ignored the attitude, and let him see us having a good time. He is now a delightful 23 year-old who loves traveling, go figure! Probably I'll sound really lame, but none of that is my idea of a good time. But now that I'm the adult I can choose my own vacations/trips. As a teen...nope. So as a teen you have preferences and stuff, but you have no choice. I was not long ago in a situation of (technically) not having a choice over an activity on our trip. I bit my tongue during the activity and was a good sport. And then I let my husband have it afterwards. I feel 100% justified because I said I did not want to go, but was more than happy to stay home or wherever was convenient for everyone and that wasn't acceptable. If I were a teen, I guess people would say I was being an ungrateful brat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) Yes. Mine loves roller coasters and Busch Gardens (we have annual Florida passes). Except he only rides the rides if one of his friends is with us. If it is just our family he sits there with a P.O'ed look on his face the entire time. well, yeah. du'h. you might think he was having fun! Oh yes. Every vacation my teen would throw some sort of fit about not wanting to do what we had planned. I can't leave him at a campground ALL DAY, so he has to come, but it ruins most of the day until on the way back to camp he mutters it was fun. UGH!!! I ask twice now. Then he comes along and sit on the side or trudge behind us. But not putting on a swimsuit and then wanting to go swimming? Nope, not going back for it. suggested he bring a scooter or bike. Nope, not going back for it. You don't have to play putt putt but you have to walk along with us, why not just hold the club so the picture looks better ;-) dudeling would have been happy to do nothing but sit at the computer - all. day. long. (he doesn't recognize hunger - though that is getting better - so he rarely voluntarily eats) I've dragged him to things since he was four. since it was just us - he could have a lot of input in what it was. bought a zoo pass - he'd rather play on the playground outside the zoo. (for which I would still have to pay for parking) go to the science center - he's interested in the gift shop. is opening up more to the demos. the space imax with astronauts space-walking scared him and he kept hiding his face. (this was just a few weeks ago.) I even took him to the nutcracker (a few years ago, before they changed the staging)- he went on and on about how much he didn't like it while he had a laser focus on the stage and was humming the music. . . . . eta: point is - if I don't' drag him somewhere - he will NOT go anywhere. I left him and the pass with his sister last week - she didn't want to fight him so they just stayed at her house. Edited February 28, 2017 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 , especially after I didn't say a word when he made himself a plate of waffles with Nutella, chocolate syrup and whipped cream for breakfast at the hotel buffet lol...just not my day to be patient, I guess. I don't understand the bolded. Why would you have said something? Sounds like a yummy breakfast - if there's a buffet, I'd go for the stuff I cannot have at home. What does the breakfast have to do with teen not wanting to swim? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't remember being like this.maybe I was. But why? Why do some teens do this stuff? Anybody remember the thought process? Yes, I do remember. (There is photographic proof that I was like that occasionally on family vacation.) As a teen, you don't usually get to pick where the family goes on vacation. You have to be together with your siblings all.day.long. Every activity is chosen with the entertainment value for the younger siblings. You just want to be with your friends, or doing stuff you like. I had a lot more fun on family vacations when, since about age 14, my parents simply let me do my own thing. So I would go for a run or hike, or walk to the next little town, or explore, meet interesting strangers, see natural places, write poetry, read. One summer when I as 15 or 16, I worked through two math books sitting on the porch of the cabin. It was wonderful. I sometimes joined the family at the beach, which I found utterly boring, but for the most part, I was able to do things that I found enjoyable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hopskipjump Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 -how can you sulk when there are MANATEES, for heaven's sake!!! This made me laugh so much - because I have said - out loud - this exact same sentence! While AT Blue Springs! lololol!! Yeah - right now, my two at-home teens will sulk about pretty much *anything* that was not originally their idea. IF I give them choices and a timely heads-up, they are delightful kids - EVEN if it's something they don't want to do. Truly. They each put in hours and hours of time watching the other one at musical or sports events. But, omg. If I just decide for them, they really are brats about it. :001_rolleyes: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I get a little bummed when my kids don't appreciate the chance to go on vacations period because I didn't get to go on vacations growing up. But what can ya do? They don't have that kind of hindsight or foresight or contrast of having nothing to having something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petrichor Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) I read the first word as "suddenly" twice. When I realized it said "sullenly" I thought "oh no, yeah, that's completely normal." Assuming he is 15 or 16, and can act responsibly on his own, he should be allowed a choice of what he wants to do - stay in the hotel room, use the gym, read in the lobby, go for a walk outside... Edited February 28, 2017 by Dust 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't understand the bolded. Why would you have said something? Sounds like a yummy breakfast - if there's a buffet, I'd go for the stuff I cannot have at home. What does the breakfast have to do with teen not wanting to swim? I didn't understand this, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strawberries Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't remember being like this.maybe I was. But why? Why do some teens do this stuff? Anybody remember the thought process? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk I remember being like this. Usually the thought process wasn't much beyond "Ugh, I'd rather be somewhere with my cool friends than here with my dorky family." Sometimes there was other stuff going on though. I sat fully dressed through a couple of swimming outings because on those particular days I was feeling too self-conscious to wear my swimsuit at a pool full of people. I was also too embarrassed to tell my parents that's why I wasn't swimming, so they chalked it up to teen attitude. Then there was one time I went hiking with my dad and some of his buddies. We were all having a great time until we came upon a waterfall with a small natural pool. They all gleefully jumped in fully clothed and tried to coax me in too. Well, I was on my period and wearing a pad. I would have died a thousand deaths before explaining, so I sat out and sulked and was given a hard time about it the whole way home. Gah! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I don't remember being like this.maybe I was. But why? Why do some teens do this stuff? Anybody remember the thought process? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk I wasn't like that either. Pretty sure anyway. It has been a long time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Sort of a spin-off, I guess. I enjoyed traveling as a kid, but our ideas of what was a fun vacation were not always the same as our parents'. (I am thankful now for the trips we took, though.) However, when we were planning what we knew would be our last vacation as a full family, my mom asked us what we would like to do. And she listened! We rented a condo on the beach, and we didn't go to any museums or educational places, lol. We didn't even go out to eat but a couple of times. We read, swam at the beach, swam at the pool, read some more, and so on. We ate cereal or pop tarts for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, and maybe some kind of one-dish dinner. So she cooked, but it was easy cooking. We all agreed it was the best vacation we ever had, and it was very relaxing for all of us. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) nm Edited March 2, 2017 by --Kathy-- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 My teens definitely do that. Sadly, I remember being a PITA as a teen too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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