I'm about to go on a murderous rampage...yes, its an inlaw vent!

[camibami]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

We're in Boston with the inlaws. That alone can be...trying.

 

But here's the kicker, that is causing me to see red. DD does competitive rhythmic gymnastics. No one from the family has ever seen her compete, because they live far away.Well, this year the competition schedule came out, and there was a meet in Indiana- driving distance for DH's family. The coach didn't really want to go to that one, its early in the season, far away from here, etc. But I begged her to, because DH's parents and sister said they would come. I know what that would mean to DD.

 

I told them we needed to know, for sure, that they would come. They said they would (of course weather issues and sickness might change plans, but that was it.) I told the coach, and the whole team is signed up to go to this meet, specifically because we wanted to go so the inlaws could see DD.

 

Well...tonight at dinner, MIL is on the phone with SIL. The one who was also coming to the meet with the cousins. It appears she has concert tickets, and got some for MIL and FIL, for the same weekend. SO now MIL announces that she "isn't sure they can go." WTFP????(That stands for What The Flying Pete, by the way.)

 

DD is crushed. She was right there at the table when MIL got off the phone and announced this to us. I was so upset I took DD to the car and we waited for them out there. Now MIL is ignoring the whole thing and playing happy-happy.

 

Of course this one thing makes me angry, but its more than that. For years now, they have been "punishing" the kids for DH and my choices. They are anti-hsing. I am pretty sure MIL thinks I should be working full time. They are extremely dissapointed DH became a Catholic 4 years ago. it just goes on and on- we don't do things their way, and they take it out by snubbing the kids. Maybe not intentionally, but by forever comparing our kids to the cousins (who are hellions, by the way, but seem to get passes for being public schooled Protestants or something!) and buying (and then talking about) school gifts and clothes for the ps cousins, going to all of their dance, etc classes and recitals, on and on. I'm sick of it, and I'm crushed for the kids. They know they are a dissapointment/feel the dissaproval from their grandparents, but it isn't their fault! They aren't old enough to really get that though, just to get the "we don't measure up" feeling.

 

Thanks for listening to my novel. I'm really mad, and sad. And I have no idea how long after we get back from Boston they are staying.:glare:Lucky me.

[Plucky]

I'm so sorry. I think that would be the last time I offer that kind of opportunity to them again. That really stinks.

[Erica in PA]

I couldn't let that go, myself. I would have to have a talk with my MIL privately, right away, and explain what you did here, about the competition, how you are only going to that competition because they promised they would be there, etc., and I would also explain how very upset your dd is. I would not allow my MIL to pretend everything is fine. If she wants to disappoint your dd, she needs to face it directly.

 

Even if she only comes to this competition because you made a big deal of it, that would be good enough for me. Your dd wouldn't have to know that... she wouldn't even have to know that you talked to her. But the chance to save my dd that disappointment would motivate me to put myself out there quite a bit. I'd risk a tense conversation for that.

 

Erica

[Harriet Vane]

I couldn't let that go, myself. I would have to have a talk with my MIL privately, right away, and explain what you did here, about the competition, how you are only going to that competition because they promised they would be there, etc., and I would also explain how very upset your dd is. I would not allow my MIL to pretend everything is fine. If she wants to disappoint your dd, she needs to face it directly.

 

Even if she only comes to this competition because you made a big deal of it, that would be good enough for me. Your dd wouldn't have to know that... she wouldn't even have to know that you talked to her. But the chance to save my dd that disappointment would motivate me to put myself out there quite a bit. I'd risk a tense conversation for that.

 

Erica

:iagree:

 

:grouphug:

[Mamagistra]

:grouphug: Oh, do I ever feel for you! And I'm borrowing the words "murderous rampage" as a soothing meditation for my next ILE: In-law Encounter. :glare: :lol:

[Julie in Austin]

I'm so sorry. I think that would be the last time I offer that kind of opportunity to them again. That really stinks.

 

:iagree:

[lovemyboys]

II would have to have a talk with my MIL privately, right away, and explain what you did here, about the competition, how you are only going to that competition because they promised they would be there, etc., and I would also explain how very upset your dd is.

 

But the chance to save my dd that disappointment would motivate me to put myself out there quite a bit. I'd risk a tense conversation for that.

 

 

Have to agree with Erica on this one. "Ya dance with the one who brung ya."

 

You checked and doublechecked with them about this event on this date and now the whole team is involved, swaying the coach to do it. I'd say MIL/FIL/SIL/cousins/town mayor/you name it, had better be in those seats. It's very poor behavior to accept a "better" offer after you've already committed to something else, especially in front of the ones you accepted with first. sheesh.

 

Good luck.

[Nicole M]

Boy, that smarts. I'm super sorry you have to deal with that. And I agree, I'd probably say, "Golly, this is a problem, 'cuz we set up this whole gig just so you would have a chance to see this meet..."

 

But it's hard. My mother called a couple days after my youngest's birthday to wish him a happy one (though she did not ask me to put him on the phone) and then said she didn't have enough money to send anything but she happened to have a couple books she wanted to send to the oldest, would that be okay? Last year she sent him a ficus plant. Good grief. It's one thing to jerk me around, which she does regularly, but it's another altogether to jerk my kids around. So I totally get it, that part of your frustration.

[Amy in Orlando]

Oh Cami, I can relate and I'm so sorry to read this. All I can say is for you and dh to keep plugging along, don't discuss the negative in front of the kids they will see things clearly for themselves, if not now in the very near future. It's horrible and painful. But, ultimately, you cannot control others' behaviors.

 

My heart is just broken for your daughter and for you. Chins up and move on. (Easy to say, very, very hard to do.)

 

(((())))

[sunshine]

At some point you have to have a serious talk with her. I did with my MIL and she did change. But I was brutal ( hormonal day). I told her about her favoritism, her slighting of my 2 dd and any other thing that annoyed me. I really had a rampage. But it worked and the truth came out, she saw that I saw every little thing she did and so did my husband. and my kids and that if she continued then there was the option of not hearing from us except Christmas cards. I told her that I would not have my kids hurt like that. Honesty worked miracles in my family. I hope you feel better. sending you a :grouphug:

[anissarobert]

:grouphug:

 

I agree with Erica and Sunshine. I wonder how people cannot see that the favoritism hurts the kids. We have had this with my MIL and FIL but not to the degree that you are experiencing.

 

I did notice that when my dd was in competive gymnastics that my in-laws just did not get it, but they did come to a meet once. (The one where she fell off the beam!)

 

Good Luck!

[teamturner]

Oh for crying out loud! She has some nerve! I agree that you AND your DH need to tell her what's what. Don't hold back. Maybe try to say it with civility (although she doesn't deserve it). If they don't come to that competition then if it were me, I'd be done with them. They can't hurt your dc if they aren't ever around them.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I will console all of you with chocolate, popcorn, movies and non hellion kids to play with. :grouphug:

[Ria]

I think both you and your husband need to sit down with your in-laws and address this specific instance. Make it clear that plans were made because of their promises to be there, etc.

 

As for the other garbage about homeschooling, etc. - LET IT GO. I mean this. You cannot change your ILs, not now, not ever. Avoid them or limit contact with them, but don't let them get to you. You won't change their minds...only God and time can accomplish that.

 

If the ILs live closer to the other grandkids, you should not be surprised that they are more involved in those kids' lives. I'm not sure they are "punishing" your kids...they probably just don't know them as well. I mean this gently, but perhaps you personally want their acceptance and approval, and it bothers you a lot when the ILs seem to show what you perceive as favoritism to the other grandkids.

 

My ILs have treated me dreadfully over the years, and have been awful many times to my kids. You know what? It's their loss. We are fun, good people, and they've missed out. I feel sorry for them, but I'm not wasting any more emotional energy wishing for changes that will never happen.

 

I will admit, though, that I still get annoyed at their shallowness every April when they send me my birthday card. There are 8 of us in our family. Dh and the six kids all get a card with a birthday check. Every year I get a card, but no check. Gee...think they want me to know they still don't like me, lest I forget? Sheesh. But again, their loss.

 

Ria

[klmama]

TIme for your dh to be the man and say, "Mom, you promised to come to dd's meet, so we pushed for it, and that's the only reason the entire team is going. How dare you consider not going just because a concert came up! Dd is going to be crushed if you back out on her again. I expect you to keep your word and be there."

 

If he can't do it, you do it.

 

:grouphug: So sorry.

[Julie in CA]

I agree that the conversation should take place, but there's *no way* that I'd do it. It's my dh's job to deal with his mother, and my job to deal with mine. Even if the conversation becomes...heated, they will probably be able to forgive each other eventually. If you do the same thing, you may forever seen as the....um...well, you know what I mean! Unless you're willing to risk just breaking contact completely, let dh do it.

 

ETA: I'm so sorry the whole situation came up in the first place. Save most of your attention for getting dd through some of the hard lessons of life that this presents.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Cami:grouphug:

 

In-laws particularly mother-in-laws can be...you know. It's so hurtful to see your children get excited and then crushed by their lack of love. If you feel compelled to call them on this, unit with your hubby and let him do the talking. Mils have a way of pushing buttons and generally wreaking havoc without batting an eyelash.

 

I've had mine for years and she seems to only ripen with age.:001_huh:

 

Mean grandmas should be against the law.

[Remudamom]

I'd rampage her too. And unfortunately it would have been right there at the dinner table with lots of witnesses. I think you did well to show some restraint.

[mrsdash]

I agree with all of the above! And my condolences- I USE to have in-laws from Mass.

Someone needs to tell her that she already accepted an invitation and it's RUDE to say the least to cancel those important plans for another. Has your dh made any reference to this and said what his opinion is? I hope he fixes this before you have to.

[Stacy in NJ]

I feel really sorry for your sad in-laws. Really. Think about what they've chosen to disregard; a close loving relationship with some of their grandkids. Going forward, you need to keep in mind that they can't really be relied upon to support your kiddos. The in-laws are choosing a different relationship than the one you would hope for. Don't set up your dd or any of your other kids for this type of disappointment with the in-laws again.

 

In the end both your kiddos and the in-laws loose out, but it's not really your choice. It's theirs. They may come to regret their choice, but don't count on it. Not all grandkid-grandparent relationships are all that close. That's just reality.

[Remudamom]

Cami, do you realize that you're in Boston in the fall?

[Aunty Social]

.

[Highereducation]

You have my sympathies. My dd, soon to be 8, has not seen my dh's parents since she was one. There came a point that, between the talking to other relatives behind our backs, undermining our parenting skills at every turn and suggesting outright to my dh that he would be happier divorced, we had to make the decision to keep our distance.

 

I hope it doesn't make me an awful person to confess that the last seven years of our marriage have been a million times happier than the first three, when all we did was try to play by their rules.

 

Having said that, though, IMO it would be a wonderful effort if your dh tries to talk this through with his parents. While my dh has made peace with the situation the way it is (he had a very unhappy upbringing where he was always put in the middle of his parents' marital problems and basically got a master's degree in refereeing) he definitely regrets that he did not sit down with them before things got completely out of hand. Had we tried to establish boundaries and respect for our new family sooner, things might have turned out differently.

 

On the other hand, if my MIL were to find out that I'm hsing my dd, I have no doubt that DYFS would be knocking at my door in a matter of hours...:sad:

 

Best of luck to you, I hope that it works out okay in the end.

[Carol in Cal.]

I sure hope that talking with them about this specific instance works. And, I do think that you have to try not to think about the rest--their disapproval and so forth. This specific thing is bad enough wtihout making it a marker for all of the other slights that have happened over time.

 

I have to warn you that not everyone will respond to 'talking things through.' It is one of the characteristics of profound disfunction not to be able to talk things through to a resolution point, and it is one of the characteristics of self-indulgent bad character not to keep your word. So even if you talk this through, they might not agree. And even if they agree, they might not show up. And if they don't do either of those things, consider THAT a marker that you have entered the utterly surreal land of profound disfunction, and completely stop any expectations of reasonableness from them. I speak as one who knows--this is pure self-defense.

 

Very tough situation--I would be upset as well.

[Shelly in IL]

Are they supposed to be driving from Boston to Indiana for the meet? How far is that? Just curious.

[I talk to the trees]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry about this, Cami! I feel for you! I have some....ahem!.... different inlaws, too. Gosh! I don't know that I could keep from accidentally giving the coach and all the team parents the inlaws' phone number so that they could all give them a good, stern talking to. ( I know. Blessed is the peacemaker, but still...) Let your dd know that there are lots of virtual pompoms being waved for her from this board!:thumbup:

 

-Robin

[Stacy in NJ]

While I see the benefit of confrontation, I wonder if a grandmom that could so thoughtlessly ditch her granddaughter really be receptive to change. I would definately let her know that the happy face wasn't working and that you're on to her, though.

[Rosie_0801]

Boy, that smarts. I'm super sorry you have to deal with that. And I agree, I'd probably say, "Golly, this is a problem, 'cuz we set up this whole gig just so you would have a chance to see this meet..."

 

 

:iagree: And I'd be following up with "And you'd better be there, butts in the correct seats, at the correct time and have something positive to say to the girl, if you want us to be nice to you ever again this side of Alziemers!"

 

Rosie-who would also be feeling murderous.

[camibami]

Cami, do you realize that you're in Boston in the fall?

__________________

 

YES!! I've even made up a family song, entitled "The (our last names) Who Do Everything", because now I can add the line "...and we've even been to Boston in the fall!"

 

To clear some stuff up, we're in Boston on vacation, none of us live here. I'm in Virginia, the inlaws in question are in Illinois. Closest we've ever been for a meet is the one in Indiana, and I called, checked, explained that we really needed a firm committment due to meet fees, etc. There was *no* misunderstanding here, folks.

 

DH is going to talk to them- I truly just cannot. I'll lose it. Its been a day though and no talking, no news. Just everyone acting like nothing happened. Thats what they do, and it drives me batty!

 

I am 100% sure that I will be the b!tch who threw a fit and caused MIL and FIL to miss the concert to everyone back home if they go to the meet. But the other choice is DD is crushed they don't come, so I can handle that. I am kind of a b!tch, actually, LOL, or at least I'm getting a-w-f-u-l-l-y close.

 

DH is upset as well, but wants to have a nice visit. And there have been no opportunities away from the kids to talk to them, so it isn't his fault. Tonight after the kids and the inlaws were in bed we talked, and he did his own ranting about MIL on the phone to the cousins 4 times today. Our DD's were sitting behind her all day in the car, but she hardly spoke to them. I honestly hadn't noticed, but DH did and he was mad. I feel somewhat validated that it isn't just That Crazy Democrat Catholic From The Pacific Northwest who notices these things.:D

 

At least my parents tend to be equal opportunity flakes. They got us all out of the house, and have been merrily traveling since. They forget birthdays, don't visit, and are quite self-absorbed, but its equal, so it doesn't bother me nearly as much. Thats just how my parents *are*- flakes! I can tell them so, and they will admit it, sheepishly. I will say that when they are here, they are *here*, all the way. They play, they laugh, they interact and enjoy the girls. The inlaws only do that with the one set of cousins, and that hurts. I adore my SIL, the favorite, actually, and that makes it tougher- I don't want to jeapordize the relationship I have with her. It isn't her fault at all.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I hope they come to the meet. We'll be moving overseas for 3 years in the spring, so opportunities to see the girls, period, are limited. I just wish they would care.