Is this a new thing when having a baby shower? Update in first post

[BlsdMama]

Is it a group baby shower and  you're part of a group?  I could fathom that I guess.... But I would think it would be a group thing.  For example, a group of ladies at the church decide they are going to throw a baby shower for every baby and the cost will be variable.  Ladies decide ahead of time that this is a part of their ministry so everyone agrees they can contribute $5 or whatever to cover costs.... But as part of an invite?  Um. no.

[footballmom]

I am so intrigued to know if the guest of honor knows about asking the guests to chip in for the expenses.  Maybe instead of shower games they will have a laptop set up at the shower to view and contribute to the go fund me for delivery expenses lol   :lol:

[Guest]

To be fair, that was in "back in your day" dollars.  Inflation being what it is, I could easily see that being about what most people spend nowadays.

 

Wendy

 

 

True.  But let's put it this way.  Six families got together to get me a food processor.  These were my parents' friends, so they weren't piking it.  This is what we did.  

 

[itsheresomewhere]

Is it a group baby shower and  you're part of a group?  I could fathom that I guess.... But I would think it would be a group thing.  For example, a group of ladies at the church decide they are going to throw a baby shower for every baby and the cost will be variable.  Ladies decide ahead of time that this is a part of their ministry so everyone agrees they can contribute $5 or whatever to cover costs.... But as part of an invite?  Um. no.

Not a group.  I see these people 1-2 month when dropping off something or helping.  I couldn't tell you most of their names or recognize them if I saw them out of this place.  I see the "hostess" more as she is involved in something else I do but I don't really speak to her.  She gets on my nerves. 

 

I am so intrigued to know if the guest of honor knows about asking the guests to chip in for the expenses.  Maybe instead of shower games they will have a laptop set up at the shower to view and contribute to the go fund me for delivery expenses lol   :lol:

If the guest of honor knew, she would not be happy. Ironically, the guest of honor is big on proper etiquette. This party will be a complete surprise( in many ways lol).

[itsheresomewhere]

You weren't bad. I think it was a pretty classy way to respond.

Thanks.  

[BooksandBoys]

This is ridiculous!

Here (current, new area of the country for me, here), potluck baby showers are common. I'm perfectly happy with that! In fact, I sent a dish with a friend for a shower I had to miss because the Mother-To-Be had asked for a particular dish of mine.

Sharing the cost? No way! Don't decorate if you can't afford it. There's nothing wrong with a simple shower. I wouldn't attend if asked to pay.

[Lady Marmalade]

Well I was bad- I highlighted the part about paying for food and decor and emailed through the group invite.  My polite email stated that I am assuming that this was really meant to go out those hosting the party not all guests.  As I have never heard of guests paying for a baby shower.  I also emailed my regrets but I could not attend the party.  

 

The more I think about it, I can't believe I am stunned she did this as she is an expert at rude. 

 

Well done.

 

I hope you get a response. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Well done.

 

I hope you get a response. 

Right.  So you can post it here.

 

Seriously, this beats the relative who threw a baby shower for herself.  Wow.

[LucyStoner]

Whoa. I'm pretty flexible but a bill for an invite? Um, yeah no.

 

Potlucks? Sure. The hostess reaching out to an inner circle of friends and asking for help hosting? Sure. Hosting the cheapest possible gathering at a park with punch and sheet cake? Sure.

 

Advising guests that a bill will be coming? What the actual heck?!

[Artichoke]

Honest question-

 

I received an invite to a surprise baby shower.  The invite says- As soon as we know the final count attending, we will email everyone the cost they need to contribute for the food and decor.

 

Is this a new thing asking/telling/assuming invited guest will be contributing for a party?

 

 

Are you maybe a part of the "planning team" and know nothing about it?    I only ask because when we were new Christians, we were thrown a shower by the church which frankly included a lot of folks that we didn't know.   The only thing I asked for was a stroller that had an attached infant base.  We had a sweet money tree from folks who covered that want.   It was only years later that I realized that it was planned since folks didn't have a clue who we were.  That was nineteen years ago, and we're still a part of that family today. 

[Artichoke]

True.  But let's put it this way.  Six families got together to get me a food processor.  These were my parents' friends, so they weren't piking it.  This is what we did.  

 

 

Okay totally off topic -- but hey I'm a scrabble nerd : 

 

I love the use of the word piking :-) 

Edited February 24, 2017 by Artichoke

[catz]

If it were a group thing, the discussion should have happened before the invites went out.  I actually think a potluck shower would be fine.  A bill?  Heck to the no.

 

That is icky and super rude.  I only go to showers for people I know well anyway.  I would probably decline this. 

[Twigs]

…  I see the "hostess" more as she is involved in something else I do but I don't really speak to her.  She gets on my nerves. …

Gee, I wonder why ??? (Insert sarcasm smiley here, this will have to do:  :wacko:)

 

I think your response was perfect; I will be stalking this thread to see the response.

[Guest]

Okay totally off topic -- but hey I'm a scrabble nerd :

 

I love the use of word piking :-)

Why use al lesser word when the proper one will suffice??? Lol.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

Never

[Ellie]

Well I was bad- I highlighted the part about paying for food and decor and emailed through the group invite.  My polite email stated that I am assuming that this was really meant to go out those hosting the party not all guests.  As I have never heard of guests paying for a baby shower.  I also emailed my regrets but I could not attend the party.  

 

The more I think about it, I can't believe I am stunned she did this as she is an expert at rude. 

 

Oh, I want to be you when I grow up!!! Well done!! :lol:

[cave canem]

Ghastly invitation.

Your response is right out of the Judith Martin play book.  Really clever!

[Tammi K]

No. Just..NO!

[Farrar]

To be fair, that was in "back in your day" dollars.  Inflation being what it is, I could easily see that being about what most people spend nowadays.

 

Wendy

 

Even if we take it back as far as the 1970's, if you look at an inflation calculator, that $20 is now about $100. I would guess that most of the posters weren't having their kids quite that far back though. If you move it to the 1980's it's more like about $50-$60 in today's money according to inflation calculators. Even less in the 90's, which is probably more like it for some of our posters who have kids who are now in college or launching. Heck, my kids are only 12 and even I feel like these things have gotten more elaborate in the last decade.

 

I'm pretty sure that for many of these parties now, people are spending many hundreds of dollars.

 

I blame Pinterest.

[MaryMak07]

That's crazy!!

 

But crazier, in the last year I've seen not one but TWO moms throw THEMSELVES a baby shower at their own home!! One posted something grumpy on FB about people not coming!

[SKL]

I've never seen anything like this.

However, I have seen situations where people first discussed pitching in together to fund a party / gift.  If that was the situation, then I could understand them telling folks how much their share is going to be.  Otherwise, no.  Don't invite people if you can't afford to give them a piece of cake.  :)

[Cinder]

Wow--that's a new one for me. But I do love your response, OP.

 

Well I was bad- I highlighted the part about paying for food and decor and emailed through the group invite.  My polite email stated that I am assuming that this was really meant to go out those hosting the party not all guests.  As I have never heard of guests paying for a baby shower.  I also emailed my regrets but I could not attend the party.  

 

The more I think about it, I can't believe I am stunned she did this as she is an expert at rude. 

 

[gardenmom5]

Honest question-

 

I received an invite to a surprise baby shower.  The invite says- As soon as we know the final count attending, we will email everyone the cost they need to contribute for the food and decor.

 

Is this a new thing asking/telling/assuming invited guest will be contributing for a party?

 

I have more time, and am on my computer - not my phone.

 

the job of the hostesses is to plan AND PAY for the shower.  if there is a group gift - they coordinate it, and those who *wish* to contribute, do so in an amount tha works for them - no one tells them how much to contribute.

 

if this is a person you wish to give a gift - I would do so outside of this shower.  the hostesses are being rude.  they want the "glory" of giving a shower - without paying for it.

[LucyStoner]

Even if we take it back as far as the 1970's, if you look at an inflation calculator, that $20 is now about $100. I would guess that most of the posters weren't having their kids quite that far back though. If you move it to the 1980's it's more like about $50-$60 in today's money according to inflation calculators. Even less in the 90's, which is probably more like it for some of our posters who have kids who are now in college or launching. Heck, my kids are only 12 and even I feel like these things have gotten more elaborate in the last decade.

 

I'm pretty sure that for many of these parties now, people are spending many hundreds of dollars.

 

I blame Pinterest.

I think there has always been a range but perhaps now more people expect the expensive. Or it seems that way.

 

That hasn't been my experience. In my circle, single sex baby showers are mostly gone and have been almost entirely replaced with informal gatherings of close friends regardless of gender. Gifts probably range from $20-50 per person with perhaps $100+ from a very close friend and or one group gift where 6 people go in for the stroller system or whatever. Handmade and handmedown gifts are also common. Nothing that looks especially Pinteresty unless someone is a baker, lol. I'm 36 now and most of my friends started having kids in the last 5 years to now so my take is someone who has been hosting and going to a lot of "showers" very recently. My friends are basically all educated professionals. Decorations aren't a big thing.

 

The fanciest shower I've been to was a club but even then there was minimal in the way of decorations.

 

The gender reveal thing IS NOT a thing in my circles. I'm fairly well certain an invite to a gender reveal party in my circle would be met with a WTF silence.

[OneStepAtATime]

OP, I loved your response!  Way to go, girl.  

 

On a side note, I'm not sure what the issue is with a gender reveal party.  Can someone explain why that is a no no?  I had not really even heard of one until just a few months ago but the one I attended was a pleasant affair.  Family from both sides plus close friends were in attendance.  They had some really clever buttons and you put on the button indicating which gender you thought it would be.  Sort of like a political campaign.  It was actually quite funny.  The doctor had written the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and sealed it in an envelope.  The couple opened the envelope, found out what they were having, everyone cheered because it didn't really matter either way, we were all just happy for them and we ate cake and it was over.  No biggie, lots of fun.  Am I missing a faux pas somewhere?

[gardenmom5]

ugh.  everything just deleted.  sigh.

 

she sounds like one of those brides who has sent a bill to guests who didn't purchase an expensive enough gift to offset their cost of inviting them to her wedding/reception.  yes - I've seen some actually make the gossip rags.

 

I guarantee people who came to my baby shower back in the 80s didn't spent the equivalent of $100 - and few if any spent $20 in 1980s dollars.  it is the height of rudeness to tell someone what they must spend on a gift.

 

baby magazines with their "this is appropriate for a shower gift" $400 strollers . . . or whatever, are part of this.  like the bride looking through the "money grows on trees" bridal magazines and must have  what is featured.

 

get real.  if the honoree wants something expensive, make it a group gift.   one person threw 2dd a bridal shower - and solicited contributions for a group gift to buy her a vacuum of her choice.  the hostess didn't like dd's choice, so only gave her the money because it didn't add up to enough for the vacuum (dyson) the hostess told her was the only one that was acceptable for her to purchase.   (knowing this hostess the way I do - 1dd and I purchased something else $$$ that 2dd *really* wanted, and gave her that.)

I'm a bit sore about the hostess today, as I had an unexpected email that just . . . grates . . . . clueless doesn't begin to cover it.

[gardenmom5]

OP, I loved your response!  Way to go, girl.  

 

On a side note, I'm not sure what the issue is with a gender reveal party.  Can someone explain why that is a no no?  I had not really even heard of one until just a few months ago but the one I attended was a pleasant affair.  Family from both sides plus close friends were in attendance.  They had some really clever buttons and you put on the button indicating which gender you thought it would be.  Sort of like a political campaign.  It was actually quite funny.  The doctor had written the sex of the baby on a piece of paper and sealed it in an envelope.  The couple opened the envelope, found out what they were having, everyone cheered because it didn't really matter either way, we were all just happy for them and we ate cake and it was over.  No biggie, lots of fun.  Am I missing a faux pas somewhere?

 

I don't think it's a no no so much as kinda silly.  I think much depends upon expectations (don't turn it into another shower. please.) and who is invited.  (family and close friends - not work collegues who may feel pressured to attend, etc.)

[Farrar]

I think there has always been a range but perhaps now more people expect the expensive. Or it seems that way.

 

That hasn't been my experience. In my circle, single sex baby showers are mostly gone and have been almost entirely replaced with informal gatherings of close friends regardless of gender. Gifts probably range from $20-50 per person with perhaps $100+ from a very close friend and or one group gift where 6 people go in for the stroller system or whatever. Handmade and handmedown gifts are also common. Nothing that looks especially Pinteresty unless someone is a baker, lol. I'm 36 now and most of my friends started having kids in the last 5 years to now so my take is someone who has been hosting and going to a lot of "showers" very recently. My friends are basically all educated professionals. Decorations aren't a big thing.

 

The fanciest shower I've been to was a club but even then there was minimal in the way of decorations.

 

The gender reveal thing IS NOT a thing in my circles. I'm fairly well certain an invite to a gender reveal party in my circle would be met with a WTF silence.

 

In mine too. I think what I'm seeing is more of the people younger than my own circle though. Like, the gender reveal thing that I referenced was a former student of mine. I'm still in touch with a bunch of them and they're just starting to have babies. And it's clearly a "thing." Same with my sil, who is much younger than me and a little younger than my brother. It's clear that the Pinterest style shower is a thing in her circle.

 

I'm sure there always has been and always will be a range of expectations. And that region plays a big role. But... it feels a little like the norm has shifted toward more expensive and more intensive. Like, I have one distant relative and they have very little money, but it's clear that she's into this sort of thing. She plans and does and fancies up stuff to an extent that surprises me. And some of that is personality, but some of it is clearly expectations.

[LMD]

Well I was bad- I highlighted the part about paying for food and decor and emailed through the group invite. My polite email stated that I am assuming that this was really meant to go out those hosting the party not all guests. As I have never heard of guests paying for a baby shower. I also emailed my regrets but I could not attend the party.

 

The more I think about it, I can't believe I am stunned she did this as she is an expert at rude.

You're my hero!

[LMD]

Some of the gender reveal stuff is cute. I love the ones where the doctor writes it down and they give it straight to the baker. The couple finds out by cutting into their cake and finding it either pink or blue inside.

 

Though I would have thought that would be part of the shower, not another party...

[LucyStoner]

Some of the gender reveal stuff is cute. I love the ones where the doctor writes it down and they give it straight to the baker. The couple finds out by cutting into their cake and finding it either pink or blue inside.

 

Though I would have thought that would be part of the shower, not another party...

People can find out the gender so early now (I was offered it with a blood test or something within the first trimester when I was pregnant in 2015) that I think the gender reveal stuff tends to be before the shower.

[Renai]

Totally OT, but I thought LucyStoner was my age or older. Must be that voice of wisdom coming through so strong, lol.

 

I like op's response and will be stalking this thread for an update...

[PrincessMommy]

Not only would I decline, but I'd explain exactly why when I RSVP-ed about my skipping it. If they can't afford it organize a potluck meal among several hostesses or with the guests. But that is unacceptably tacky.

 

I completely agree. I'd say no and I'd say why.  Clearly they are the ones that are clueless.

[ktgrok]

I'm pretty lax on ettitquitte....in the sense I know and was taught the ettiquitte but will adjust with the times and to accommodate other's feelings, etc. I can go with the flow. For example, this baby shower was thrown by my mom and sister. Not appropriate according to etiquette, not to mention fourth baby! But we really did get rid of most baby stuff before this one, and my mom REALLY REALLY wanted to do it. I tried to say no. But she wanted to, she wanted to feel part of this birth/pregnancy/etc. And I knew the people she'd invite wouldn't care about the breach in ettitquitte of her throwing it. And might not even know of that rule. So we did it. It was small, it was for couples, it was casual, and it was fun. I think 5 couples and my husband and I. 

 

And then my friends did a blessing way with me the next day (mostly different friends) and that was potluck and lovely and casual, no decorations,e tc. 

 

All good. 

 

But a bill????? No. 

[TechWife]

To be fair, that was in "back in your day" dollars. Inflation being what it is, I could easily see that being about what most people spend nowadays.

 

Wendy

There are tons of baby items that are inexpensive. I can easily think of many suitable gifts under $20:

 

Baby shampoo & washcloths

Diapers

Receiving blankets

Onesies

Casual outfit (shorts & tshirt, for example)

Formula

bottles

Pacifiers

Nail clippers

Cute socks

Bibs

Pajamas

 

I'm sure there are several more.

[Carrie12345]

I've thrown a few showers, from catered to DIY (or DIM, lol.) I've roped plenty of people into contributing, but in a "Can you bring your specialty dish" or "Will you bring ice" kind of way, not a "Pay for my vision" kind of way!

[FaithManor]

Just to throw this out. So since we get invited to a ton of stuff because it seems everyone in the county "knows" us because of 4H, we decline a lot of invitations. A lot. But those we accept that are not for family and very close, personal friends, work like this. $20 Bill for graduation party. $10.00 package of diapers plus a package of wipes for baby shower, two $10.00 Christmas ornaments from Bronners in Frankenmuth - one each with their names painted on the balls - for bridal shower or wedding reception. Close friends and relatives get quilts or in the case of weddings,I am often on deck to do the decorating from my stash of supplies when I had the event planning business and no charge for assembling bridal party flowers.

 

It would break the bank to go $50 and up for so many events.

[Annie G]

I started having babies in the early 80's and the typical gifts were small and inexpensive. A receiving blanket or a couple of bibs, or one single outfit and a pair of socks. I attended a lot of showers and always had a gift similar to other guests...and yet we were scrimping to get by.  I'm sure I spent $10 or less on a gift and a flat sheet of wrapping paper and bow was under a dollar.  When my shower was done I could easily take the gifts to the car in one or two trips.  

 

What are people giving today that costs so much? Same stuff but more of it, or more expensive quality? Big stuff like car seats?  

 

Gosh, rereading this makes me sound super old.  Where is my walker???

[samba]

I have never heard of this. Really tacky.

 

OP, just saw your reply. Perfectly polite and appropriate.

 

Edited February 24, 2017 by samba

[Bluegoat]

Even if we take it back as far as the 1970's, if you look at an inflation calculator, that $20 is now about $100. I would guess that most of the posters weren't having their kids quite that far back though. If you move it to the 1980's it's more like about $50-$60 in today's money according to inflation calculators. Even less in the 90's, which is probably more like it for some of our posters who have kids who are now in college or launching. Heck, my kids are only 12 and even I feel like these things have gotten more elaborate in the last decade.

 

I'm pretty sure that for many of these parties now, people are spending many hundreds of dollars.

 

I blame Pinterest.

 

My oldest is 12, and I feel like between then and now, things have gone really haywire.

 

I am starting to really feel like an old-biddy cane-waver, it's more and more difficult to relate to some of the attitudes I find.  It was suggested to me recently that there is a big cultural divide between those who grew up before social media was a thing, and those who came after, and increasingly I feel this is the case.

[gardenmom5]

I'm pretty lax on ettitquitte....in the sense I know and was taught the ettiquitte but will adjust with the times and to accommodate other's feelings, etc. I can go with the flow. For example, this baby shower was thrown by my mom and sister. Not appropriate according to etiquette, not to mention fourth baby! But we really did get rid of most baby stuff before this one, and my mom REALLY REALLY wanted to do it. I tried to say no. But she wanted to, she wanted to feel part of this birth/pregnancy/etc. And I knew the people she'd invite wouldn't care about the breach in ettitquitte of her throwing it. And might not even know of that rule. So we did it. It was small, it was for couples, it was casual, and it was fun. I think 5 couples and my husband and I. 

 

And then my friends did a blessing way with me the next day (mostly different friends) and that was potluck and lovely and casual, no decorations,e tc. 

 

All good. 

 

But a bill????? No. 

 

Miss Manners gave instructions on how to avoid the faux paux of having multiple showers.  ;) .   call it a tea.  (or such.)  it was in her interest.  she was second baby. :D

 

I have no problem with successive showers.  (especially if they are different genders and a bit further apart.) some babys are really hard on stuff. 

 

It's just an excuse for a party.   :party:

 

There are tons of baby items that are inexpensive. I can easily think of many suitable gifts under $20:

 

Baby shampoo & washcloths

Diapers

Receiving blankets

Onesies

Casual outfit (shorts & tshirt, for example)

Formula

bottles

Pacifiers

Nail clippers

Cute socks

Bibs

Pajamas

 

I'm sure there are several more.

 

or something someone sewed. I know some sewers who can whip stuff out in the same amount of time others spend to go shopping.

last spring, our group had a shower for five moms (the hostesses supplied stuff for crafts for the moms.  e.g. onesies you could decorate).  I wanted to do something more, and made five double sided flannel baby blankets.  I had *loved* them with my boys.  and they lasted longer than the first couple months.  the fabric store was kind enough to be having a sale, and it worked out about $7 per blanket + my time.  I'm going to need to do it again - just to have them stocked.  I want to support new moms, so even if I can't make it I want to do something.

[UmMusa]

I loved your reply OP. I'll also be stalking this thread for an update!

[mommyoffive]

not a thing here

 

how rude

[LucyStoner]

Totally OT, but I thought LucyStoner was my age or older. Must be that voice of wisdom coming through so strong, lol.

 

I like op's response and will be stalking this thread for an update...

Wisdom, pre-term crankiness, perpetually annoying, who knows?

 

I don't feel wise these days.

 

IRL many people assume that 13 yo son (nearly 14 and with high school plans made) means 40 something and so they rave about how young I look until I tell them I am 36. 😂 I don't look especially old or young for 36.

Edited February 24, 2017 by LucyStoner

[vonfirmath]

Definitely not a thing. I can see where a group of friends might get together to give a shower jointly, but that would be by advance agreement and not by announcing that invited guests have to share the cost.

 

The closest I have seen is when a sunday school class holds a baby shower for one of their members.  Usually they are potlucks -- but if held at a restaurant, you are responsible for paying for your own meal as a guest.

 

(A few of the members will volunteer to cover food for the guest of honor)

[Cinder]

The closest I have seen is when a sunday school class holds a baby shower for one of their members.  Usually they are potlucks -- but if held at a restaurant, you are responsible for paying for your own meal as a guest.

 

(A few of the members will volunteer to cover food for the guest of honor)

 

I have been to a shower like this. The woman who really really wanted to host the shower wanted to do it at a restaurant. She covered the guest of honor and paid for a cake--and a couple balloons, even!--everyone else was expected to pay for their own meal.

 

[KungFuPanda]

Well I was bad- I highlighted the part about paying for food and decor and emailed through the group invite. My polite email stated that I am assuming that this was really meant to go out those hosting the party not all guests. As I have never heard of guests paying for a baby shower. I also emailed my regrets but I could not attend the party.

 

The more I think about it, I can't believe I am stunned she did this as she is an expert at rude.

Ha! I love this.

[FaithManor]

Stalking! Has there been a reply yet???? Enquiring minds want to know!

[TravelingChris]

I am afraid to look on Pinterest to see what people are dreaming up in the way of Baby Showers.  Almost all the baby showers I attended were in the military community.  One was co-ed and that was in the late 80's.   But co-ed doesn't bother me.  The ones I attended or was honored at were relatively simple affairs.  My own first baby shower was in the break room at my work then.  Baby themed napkins and plates were the deal plus cake.  I don't know who paid.  In other circumstances, sometimes the hostess asked us to bring something to share, sometimes she provided.  Again, all were simple affairs.  As to gifts, I seem to remember onesies, cute stuffed animals (baby sized) or early toy, towels, blankets, diapers, etc.  Sometimes some people got together and bought something bigger.  

 

.

[Janeway]

No, not a new thing. And I would not go under those circumstances. I would even likely mention to the mom-to-be what is going on.