marbel Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) Yesterday I received a surprise in the mail - a check and a lovely note from a young relative of mine. Nearly 20 years ago, apparently, my husband and I had loaned this person some money (less than $1000) that was needed for college. Neither he nor I have any memory of this loan which I'm sure we would have considered a gift. This individual is now mid-30's, in a professional career, and married to a person in a professional career. We were very close when they were a child and the family (parents, siblings) were struggling through some bad times. We live far apart now and haven't seen each other in years, though we communicate sporadically. We have an affectionate relationship. I'm so torn. Part of me has to admit that we could use this money. Part of me doesn't want to accept it - pride, maybe. Or, maybe that parental thing (though this person is not my child) is kicking in, where I can't accept money from "my" kid. I don't know. This person didn't have to send the money. So they must have wanted to do it. So, I can't figure out why I don't want to let them. My husband is having a hard time understanding my hard time. :-) What would you do? Or, what is wrong with me? :-) ETA: In an hour I am leaving the house, and won't be home for several hours after. So if I don't respond right away, it's just because I can't! Edited February 19, 2017 by marbel 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I'd send a note of thanks and use this as an opportunity to catch up on their lives. I'm positive if they remembered this after so many years they truly felt grateful and want to repay, so returning the money would more likely be a little offensive (not sure that's the right word choice). If the two of you seriously didn't want to keep it, donating it to the college in their name would be more appropriate than returning it, but I'd feel no guilt at keeping it if that's better. You helped them when they needed it and now, out of the blue - give credit to God or Karma if you like - they're returning the favor, exactly like an ideal world should work. (Well, in an ideal world no one would need money, but...) 23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Accept it graciously, let her know you are delighted she is doing so well...and put it away for a wedding gift (or college money) for her future child? 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I am guessing it meant the world to him to be able to pay you back at last. 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Send a lovely note of thanks, telling them that you are glad they are doing well, very proud of them, and happy you could help. And take the money. If you "need" it, by all means just spend it. If at all possible, honour this person by putting at least some of it away for college for your own children, an emergency fund or investment that will help you long-term. These kind of major opportunities to truly turn a financial situation around don't happen every day! 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Marmalade Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 From the perspective of the relative, I imagine they must be beyond thrilled to be at a place in their life where they can remember these old loans and pay them back. I think you could go either way. If you cash the check and use the money, the relative will be happy to not have this debt in the back of his mind. If you decide not to cash the check, don't just not cash it and walk away. Make sure you contact this relative and let them know how grateful you were by his gesture, but that it is truly not necessary, as the money was a gift. Then give them the check back. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) Wow, that was quick! :-) Thanks for all the responses. Just want to clarify something - I am going to write to them today. I wouldn't fail to acknowledge it either way. It's not a matter of needing it to buy groceries or pay the mortgage, or anything dire like that. Just, various things are causing savings to be tapped and replenishment is not happening the way we'd like, kwim? So it's hard to refuse in that respect. Though, of course we never missed it and would never have remember it at all. (When we made the loan, things were financially very much different for us. :-) ) Thanks for giving me things to think about. Edited February 19, 2017 by marbel 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 How sweet! He has been carrying around this desire to repay you for years now. You put the burden of that obligation down years ago when you both forgot about it, he has been remembering it all this time. Please don't refuse the money, that will make the whole thing overly complicated. You've gotten lots of good suggestions for what you could do with it, though. What a kind gesture on both of your parts, the giving with no strings, and the repayment under no obligation. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Serenade Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 What a kind gesture on both of your parts, the giving with no strings, and the repayment under no obligation. This. How sweet. It almost brings tears to my eyes and I don't even know these people! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pegasus Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 I am guessing it meant the world to him to be able to pay you back at last. :iagree: Absolutely this. Even if you couldn't use the money, accept it graciously. It has clearly been weighing on the relative's mind all these years. What a relief to them it will be to have this obligation lifted. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 Yes, I would have no hesitation about keeping the check. You honor their character by doing so. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 You loaned it to them when they needed it, and it's being returned to you when you do. It was a 20 year interest free loan. :) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 19, 2017 Author Share Posted February 19, 2017 Thanks all. You helped me clear my thoughts. Writing a nice long letter tonight. I do expect to see this person at a family event late in the summer. Actually, this $ will help me to attend guilt-free - airfare to the destination is not cheap. So there's that. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 (edited) Take it. They are probably happy they saved it up and feel they wanted to repay. They may have a sense of accomplishment. So, it's just money changing hands. You blessed them years ago when they needed it and now you can use it for whatever you need it. :) Edited February 19, 2017 by Liz CA 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 be gracious and accept this "gift". whether it was a loan or a gift from you to them, they are returning the favor. they obviously can afford it - and you said you could really use it. go ahead and drop a thank you note. you can mention you forgot all about it, but how impressed you are about his memory. then newsy/family type comments that are made with affection. sometimes - the hardest thing we can do is allow someone else to "do" for us. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 19, 2017 Share Posted February 19, 2017 What goes around comes around literally. That was great they could pay back. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Accept it graciously, let her know you are delighted she is doing so well...and put it away for a wedding gift (or college money) for her future child? I like this idea! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 If you feel comfortable doing so, I would mention that your family has had some unexpected expenses and the repayment came at just the right time. I think it would please him to know he was helping you in return. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 (edited) be gracious and accept this "gift". whether it was a loan or a gift from you to them, they are returning the favor. they obviously can afford it - and you said you could really use it. go ahead and drop a thank you note. you can mention you forgot all about it, but how impressed you are about his memory. then newsy/family type comments that are made with affection. sometimes - the hardest thing we can do is allow someone else to "do" for us. Yes, gifts, money, compliments are always as much or more of a pleasure for the giver than for the receiver. Learning to be a gracious receiver is as important as generosity. It can feel awkward to graciously accept something freely given, but refusing to accept a gift or compliment is a rejection of a kindness. Acceptance of something freely given with genuine pleasure and gratitude is the reward you return to the giver. Edited February 20, 2017 by Barb_ 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alessandra Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I think you should accept -- even if you did not need it at all. It could be perceived as condescending not to accept. What a nice thing for you to have done so many years ago, and how wonderful to hear about such conscientious young people. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 My perspective- I have an amazing aunt. She was instrumental in my health/mental well-being during a difficult childhood. I graduated high school very early at 15, and my aunt took me shopping for my college dorm room. She worked at a car dealership and helped me get my first car, again, instrumental in my life. Without a car I would not have been able to keep a job as a kid/emancipated adult. Just this Christmas after years of very little contact, I discovered she is now on disability for Crohn's disease and is living with her adult son to help him with his new wife (from Cambodia) and new baby as they go through the process for disability for him. He is newly blind from diabetes. I can't tell you how much it meant to me to be able to reach out and send a thank you letter with a check. Really. Her kindness and help early in my life was such a changing force...and she didn't Realize as it didn't seem a large amount to her. Life changing to me. Please allow your relative to repay your kindness:) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 Don't refuse it. Being able to pay back long forgotten loans was a huge deal to me. I would have felt....I'm not sure what. Maybe like something I worked really hard to do wasn't being valued? Keep it :-) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I think you should accept -- even if you did not need it at all. It could be perceived as condescending not to accept. What a nice thing for you to have done so many years ago, and how wonderful to hear about such conscientious young people. I agree. Both parts of this story warm my heart. Keep the money. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted February 20, 2017 Share Posted February 20, 2017 I was reminded of this thread yesterday.....my parents are visiting and as always they come with a lot of food and if we go to Wal-Mart while they are here they always jump ahead and pay the cashier before I can. So yesterday I paid for our lunch. It was for 6 people and was like $60 total. In the car my dad handed me $60. (their part would have only been $20!) We fought over the 3 20's back and forth, but I know he won't give up so I just took it and said thank you. He likes to give and so I try to always accept graciously. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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