BarbecueMom Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 OP, does your DH have chronic illness or pain, or has he had a physical in a while? I ask because we have had similar conversations here twice (minus the divorce talk). The first time was a couple months before back surgery (he was a completely different person when he was woke up from the anesthesia and was no longer in pain). The second time was a few months ago, shortly followed by wonky symptoms, wonkier bloodwork, and a specialist referral. If he used to be okay at this appreciation and recognition stuff, but recently seems unable to juggle normal life plus special occasions without whacking him with a calendar, it wouldn't hurt him to get checked out medically. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) OH my goodness, THIS!I think the fact that he forgets his own mother on Mother's Day is actually a very good sign that he honestly didn't mean to hurt your feelings by forgetting about Valentine's Day. I'm sorry you feel hurt, though -- I would feel the same way. :grouphug: EDITED TO ADD -- I posted the above comment before I read that your dh had bought a gift for your son. So... he remembered to buy someone a gift, but that someone wasn't you. Okay, that's a whole different situation. Here's what I don't understand -- why didn't you say something? Why didn't you come right out and ask your dh why he didn't get anything for you? You didn't have to turn it into a big accusation or start a fight about it, but there is no reason why you couldn't have told him it hurt your feelings that he forgot about you or didn't bother to even get you a card or a little box of candy. What did he say when he saw how much effort you had made to make the day special for him? Did he at least apologize for messing up? Didn't you even hint that you were disappointed? I hate to say it, but I think you're part of your own problem here. You need to let your dh know what you expect, not just assume he will do the right thing simply because you're working on your marriage. He may not realize what your version of the "right thing" is, and if you don't tell him, you'll never know whether or not he will try to make you happy. I'm not defending your dh here, and I think he seriously messed up. I'm just wondering if you can salvage this. How about telling him how you feel and see how he responds? It's better than sitting alone and seething about it. Maybe even offer him a chance to make it right by having a Valentine's Day do-over over the weekend and have him plan something romantic. But do something. Say something. Don't just let this go -- it's important to you, and he needs to know that. He's not psychic and neither are you. Even when it's awkward and difficult, you need to speak up and communicate if your marriage is going to survive. :grouphug: Edited February 15, 2017 by Catwoman 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 I'm just going to throw this out to you, OP, for your consideration: you sound an awful lot like a wife of a covert narcissist. A wife who hasn't figured it out because you just don't know that what you've been experiencing has a name. Go on YouTube and start watching some videos. There's a guy named Jerry Wise who has some good videos, and a guy named Ton whose channel is Narcissism Survivor. I might be wrong, but watch some videos, and see if what they're talking about sounds familiar. Hopefully, I'm wrong. It could be that the two of you are just miscommunicating. Thank you for the information. I've never heard of this so I'll look into it for more details. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 This is the only act of passive aggressive behavior you've ever noticed in him? He made two upsetting decisions here: 1) to get a gift for son and not you, and 2) not acknowledging the efforts you made. Honestly if he's not passive aggressive except for this, ever... I'd start snooping, because I would assume the disinterest came from somewhere. Is he an addict of some kind? Does he have a history of affairs? Does he have some other sort of obsession? It sounds like covert narcissism or one of these other factors is at play, because there is no way he wasn't aware he was screwing up. I've never heard of covert narcissism, but the answer to all of the others is, no. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 OP, does your DH have chronic illness or pain, or has he had a physical in a while? I ask because we have had similar conversations here twice (minus the divorce talk). The first time was a couple months before back surgery (he was a completely different person when he was woke up from the anesthesia and was no longer in pain). The second time was a few months ago, shortly followed by wonky symptoms, wonkier bloodwork, and a specialist referral. If he used to be okay at this appreciation and recognition stuff, but recently seems unable to juggle normal life plus special occasions without whacking him with a calendar, it wouldn't hurt him to get checked out medically. He has a history of depression, but it is currently under control. He doesn't have any other chronic health issues that would be a factor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 (edited) Update: Things have been resolved. I texted DH about the situation (we actually do really well at having serious conversations via text - it keeps things on topic) and we talked at length about it. I was very honest but also non-confrontational and non-accusatory. I won't go into all of the discussion that we had, but we're actually laughing about it right now. I really do get over things quickly once they're out in the open. Edited February 15, 2017 by Hoot 22 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 That's great! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 He has a history of depression, but it is currently under control. He doesn't have any other chronic health issues that would be a factor. What do you mean when you say his depression is under control? For my dh with chronic depression, there has never been a time when he was not being impacted by it. He's been on medication for years, but the disease has never gone into full remission. Medication and therapy keep him functional. Being married to someone with mental health struggles is really, really hard; I honestly don't think I could survive it without marriage counseling when things get rough. Fortunately dh has been on board with that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Glad to see the happy update :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 Thanks for the update! I'm so glad you were able to hash it out and that everything turned out well. :hurray: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hoot Posted February 15, 2017 Author Share Posted February 15, 2017 What do you mean when you say his depression is under control? He has been on medication for 20 years for his depression. I encouraged him to go to the doctor and deal with it when we were still dating. Since then, he's only had 1 or 2 issues that he struggled to manage, one of which was the result of a minor head injury. The meds keep him functional while other activities have helped him to feel more fulfilled as a person. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Great news Hoot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 This is the only act of passive aggressive behavior you've ever noticed in him? He made two upsetting decisions here: 1) to get a gift for son and not you, and 2) not acknowledging the efforts you made. Honestly if he's not passive aggressive except for this, ever... I'd start snooping, because I would assume the disinterest came from somewhere. Is he an addict of some kind? Does he have a history of affairs? Does he have some other sort of obsession? It sounds like covert narcissism or one of these other factors is at play, because there is no way he wasn't aware he was screwing up. my understanding was the gift for the son wasn't about valentines - timing was a coincidence. he may not have known what to do - so he did nothing. my dh goes into a store - he has a list of things to buy, and he is completely blind to everything else. he's totally focused on that list. he could walk right past a valentine display - and he wouldn't see it. me .. . I have my list, but am always looking around. I find deals he totally misses. ;p it's one way how we think/function is different. Update: Things have been resolved. I texted DH about the situation (we actually do really well at having serious conversations via text - it keeps things on topic) and we talked at length about it. I was very honest but also non-confrontational and non-accusatory. I won't go into all of the discussion that we had, but we're actually laughing about it right now. I really do get over things quickly once they're out in the open. my dh does much better with the written word than auditory. he just has a much harder time registering what is being said vs reading it. I've had times with kids when they preferred to write what they wanted to say vs actually saying it. it was purely about communication style and ability. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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