Can I be sad and petty here for a second?

[mom@shiloh]

I am not attached to the holidays. I do not feel that I have unrealistic expectations or expect him to read my mind. We literally just had a conversation on Saturday about how I feel that I am the only one making an effort in the restoration of our marriage and that I feel like I'm the only one who is genuinely invested. We talked about what him being invested looks like. Side note - it sounds like I'm being very demanding because this is all so one-sided but that's not the case. We both had points of discussion for what is currently working vs what isn't. He agreed that he has not been showing me that he is invested even if he feels that he is. The hurt is that we had this conversation and yet he still didn't feel like it was important at all to even make the tiniest of gestures.

 

I didn't mean to suggest that you had unrealistic expectations, but I know that I did.  I can understand why you'd be hurt. I'm sorry.  Marriage takes a lot of forgiveness.

[Cinder]

:grouphug:   I'm sorry your feelings were hurt. I hope you and your dh can talk about this and that it will help things get better between you.  :grouphug:

[Hoot]

"Happy Hallmark Holiday Day"? That leaves me with the impression that at least on some level, he thinks Valentines Day is a bit dumb.

We always had a humorous relationship. We're not super gushy or anything. Even this would have been sufficient for me. Just an acknowledgement. I don't NEED gifts. I just hopes for an acknowledgement of some sort.

 

Then, I am wondering what happened when you realized you had gotten him some gifts, but he didn't get you anything. Did you communicate how you felt about it to him? How did he react? Being able to discuss those sorts of things calmly is important.

Nothing happened. No, I didn't discuss it because I personally need time to think and process before discussion. That was partly what my post here was for. I was hurt and frustrated, but at the same time, I want to be less emotional about it when I discuss it with him. I need to process aloud beforehand in order to clarify my thoughts and feelings.

[bettyandbob]

OK if I am interpreting post 43 correctly the OP says her dh doesn't do anything for Mother's Day if not told. That tells me that these made up extra days just don't register with him. Even if inundated with advertising, probably especially if...

 

I used to think this stuff was important. And I got disappointed too. I started to understand dh better and that he does other stuff to appreciate me. Even after I started to understand I was still disappointed. As time went on what's important was redefined for me (this doesn't happen for everyone). I'm not disappointed and sometimes it just doesn't register for me either. 

 

So, as part of communication and relationship work i think partners have to tell each what's important to them. Otherwise it's a game or a test. When one partner doesn't do the important thing he didn't know was really important then he fails. And you have to admit it's important. If you walk around saying "V-Day is no big deal" your partner may be hearing it's no big deal and agreeing and therefore he does nothing. And he did nothing because you said it was no big deal or didn't talk about it. 

 

Sometimes you have to openly talk about stuff you think is obvious. "I know we have busy week. I'd still like to have a nice V-Day dinner with you. Would you bring home ---- while I make -----. We can enjoy a nice meal together while we watch -----."  Then, at 6:30 when he's leaving the office send him a text that says " I got the ----- ready. Looking forward to the ----- you picked up to have with it." 

 

Yes, it might be more meaningful if he thought of all that all by himself. Part of this is accepting the person who he is. Communicating your needs will help both of your enjoy each other more. Not communicating just sets up a bunch of tests for him to fail. 

 

 

 

 

[maize]

It sounds like this is a small symptom of a much bigger problem. Those of us who do not have a problem not celebrating Valentine's Day probably have spouses that show their love and concern other ways.

We don't do anything at all for Valentine's Day except shop for half priced candy the day after, but my DH got up early on his day off last week to get the oil changed on my car just so I did not have to do it.

 

I think it is easier to dismiss the holiday stuff when couples show their love other ways.

 

This is definitely true and I suspect the real source of OP's sadness. It isn't really about Valentine's day, that was just one more disappointment on top of many.

 

I do very much sympathize with that.

[Hoot]

It sounds like you are very wounded, and I am sorry you are so hurt. A question for you, that is meant in the gentlest way possible- do you really think you were putting the thought and effort into what you did because you were truly considering him or because you wanted to prove that you did your part? I know that sounds harsh, but it sounds like you did not put a whole lot of thought into your gift to him as well. You ran around after work last minute. Does your dh really like flowers and balloons? (most men I know don't).

 

Yikes, ok yes, you really are way off base. Yes, I did put thought into it. My husband ADORES food. The main part for him was the dinner, dessert (his favorite), and watching tv. The flowers and balloons were merely decorations. And no, I didn't simply run around after work at the last minute with no forethought, though I understand that my wording made it sound like it. I had this planned for a few days, but the nature of the items meant running around after work on the day of in order for everything to be hot, fresh, and a surprise.

[Selkie]

It's totally understandable that you are hurt by his lack of effort.  :grouphug: I hope things get better for you and him.

[rjand6more]

My dh is the romantic type.  I am the one who hates spending money on cards and such.  BUT I have learned to enjoy getting gifts and giving them on "Card holidays".

 

My dad never bought my mom a card or gift for anything.  I even bought her birthday gifts.  She was visibly disappointed.  I'm sorry, but that was SELFISH.  He gets no out for that.  He thought holidays were stupid.

 

So, when I got married I felt a huge pressure on the little holidays.  I could not decide if I loved them or hated them.  But, I did decide that I wanted to model a healthy expectation to our kids.  Holidays like Valentine's Day are kept light and fun.  I hope as they are growing up, they would do the same with their spouses.

 

It takes 1 minute to add days that need to be remembered to your Google calendar.  

 

[Hoot]

Take the quiz on this site: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/, and have your husband take it too. I'm almost certain at least one of your love languages is gifts - when you don't get gifts, you don't feel loved. And I'd be willing to bet his are the opposite of yours. Once you understand that, you can do better than the golden rule- (treat others the way you'd like to be treated), you can follow the platinum rule (treat people the way they want to be treated), and that can make all the difference.

 

The book is definitely worth a read, and it has been a bestseller for years, so I'm sure you can find it at any well-stocked library.

I read this book years ago. He has always been acts of service and I am a pretty even mix of words of affirmation and physical touch. Gifts aren't even on my radar or his. I simply like some sort of acknowledgement that I'm important to the other person. I would think that anyone would desire that.

[Miss Peregrine]

sidenote I am old enough that if I abbreviated Valentine's Day I must write V-Day, not VD, because VD=STD to people in my age bracket. 

 

back to regular analysis....

I keep reading it that way, too.  :lol:

Edited February 15, 2017 by Miss Peregrine

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[scholastica]

Wouldn't the huge posters, billboards, notation on every calendar in america, commercials, etc be reminder enough??? I mean, it's not like it was her birthday...it's a national holiday. I imagine you don't need a reminder for Christmas, etc?

SaveSave

 

Actually, I forgot for a good portion of the day yesterday. I can't stand Valentine's Day. In fact, I went to the pharmacy after dinner (family dinner) and commented that the store was so quiet, where was everybody? The pharmacist said "Eating". It wasn't until hours later that I realized he meant for Valentine's Day. So, while I may know it's a thing, I push it out of my mind. I do something for the kids, but then I'm done. The whole thing just feels forced to me and always has. If my dh can't love me well all year, one day will not make up for it. Luckily for me, he does.

[Hoot]

Why is it so hard to accept/understand that days like this are simply not on some peoples' radar?

Because, in this case, it wasn't a simple case of it not being on his radar. His Facebook feed was full of pics of what his friends were doing (we're friends with some of the same people) and he bought our 17 year old son something at the store over the weekend.

[maize]

Because, in this case, it wasn't a simple case of it not being on his radar. His Facebook feed was full of pics of what his friends were doing (we're friends with some of the same people) and he bought our 17 year old son something at the store over the weekend.

He bought your son gift for Valentine's Day but not you?

 

That does cast a different light on things.

[maize]

Because, in this case, it wasn't a simple case of it not being on his radar. His Facebook feed was full of pics of what his friends were doing (we're friends with some of the same people) and he bought our 17 year old son something at the store over the weekend.

Some of this still puzzles me though--like, I would never assume my husband had read his Facebook feed while at work.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited March 2, 2017 by --Kathy--

[marbel]

Because, in this case, it wasn't a simple case of it not being on his radar. His Facebook feed was full of pics of what his friends were doing (we're friends with some of the same people) and he bought our 17 year old son something at the store over the weekend.

 

I was responding to a poster who seemed incredulous that anyone could not know it was Valentine's Day.   Of course I don't know anything about your husband and his thoughts on "hallmark holidays," what his work environment is, facebook habits, etc.  

 

For example, my husband doesn't use facebook, so he wouldn't see anything there.  He works in an environment where Valentine's Day wouldn't come up unless guys were talking about what they were doing with wives/girlfriends.  Sometimes he spends so much of his day working alone, he might not even hear those things.

 

But, my point was just about people who don't understand how a particular person could not notice that it's a special day requiring some action on their part.  

 

It does bother me that your husband bought a gift for your son but didn't do anything for you.  Your overall sadness and disappointment bother me. 

[Hoot]

Hoot, I'm usually on the side of "it's just a Hallmark holiday, and some people don't notice or care about those", but in this case I'm totally on your side.

 

You are not being petty, you just had a recent conversation, and he usually puts forth at minimum, the effort of a text. Your feelings are completely justified.

 

I'm one of those people who do not notice or care about holidays most of the time, so I usually don't make a big deal out of them for myself or others. But, when DH and I were going through a rough time, trying to bebuild what was lost - that kind of stuff was more important to both of us. We both made that extra effort to celebrate every little thing because it was important.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm sorry he disappointed you. I'd like to recommend the seemingly most ironic book title in history (in my experience). I had this book, read it, and left it for DH to read if he wanted. He was "too busy with work" for a couple months, until the day I told him that the kids and I would not be returning home with him from my family's place when we visited for Christmas. He read the book in one sitting, then kept me up all night...talking about us and our marriage. It was a turning point. Seven years later, we're still going strong.

 

I don't know if it will have the same type of effect for you, but it can't hurt to try.

 

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It

 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0767923189/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487169131&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=how+to+fix+your+marriage+without+talking+about+it&dpPl=1&dpID=51mzUJqX54L&ref=plSrch

Thank you for the book suggestion. I will look into it.

[ktgrok]

Yikes, ok yes, you really are way off base. Yes, I did put thought into it. My husband ADORES food. The main part for him was the dinner, dessert (his favorite), and watching tv. The flowers and balloons were merely decorations. And no, I didn't simply run around after work at the last minute with no forethought, though I understand that my wording made it sound like it. I had this planned for a few days, but the nature of the items meant running around after work on the day of in order for everything to be hot, fresh, and a surprise.

 

Ok, so when he saw the balloons and flowers and food, what did he do?Did he say "Oh wow, I totally forgot about Valentine's day...I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for all this!"

 

or did he ignore it? Or what?

[bettyandbob]

Again, it was all over my FB feed too and not on my radar. If my college age DC were home we probably would have gotten them small bags of candy because not doing so would have resulted in a protest for not continuing what we did when they were little. Since they weren't here, it crossed my mind in the last week with a relief that I didn't have do anything.

 

So add fb feeds to billboards and advertising as background noise.

[Shellydon]

I'm sorry you are hurt.  I didn't get my husband anything for Valentine's Day. I often don't get him anything for his birthday or Christmas unless he asks.  I simple do not care about gifts.  I hate picking something out.  If I never receive another gift, I'd  not be upset.  It isn't on my radar.  One of my kids is a gift giver.  She is always making cards, crafts etc. to give away.  I have to be very purposeful about recognizing that she needs gifts because it is so foreign to me.  If my DH was a gift person, he'd have to tell me point blank.  Gift are just not important to me.

[AnnE-girl]

I'm sorry. Considering everything you're going through, I can see how it's extra disappointing that he didn't even do the small things he has done in the past. What did he do when you came home with your surprises?

[Hoot]

Did he express appreciation? Did he express any feeling of apology or anything when he realized that you had done something and he hadn't? If you don't want to answer, I completely understand.

 

He did say, "thanks" but there was no mention of him having forgotten or chosen to do something to reciprocate.

[Bluegoat]

Ok, so when he saw the balloons and flowers and food, what did he do?Did he say "Oh wow, I totally forgot about Valentine's day...I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for all this!"

 

or did he ignore it? Or what?

 

Yeah, this is what I am wondering.  Because if he ate the dinner and said happy V-day and so on, he might think he's aknowledged the day.

[Hoot]

Some of this still puzzles me though--like, I would never assume my husband had read his Facebook feed while at work.

I know that He does because he was posting on Facebook from work.

[ktgrok]

He did say, "thanks" but there was no mention of him having forgotten or chosen to do something to reciprocate.

 

Lame. 

[maize]

I know that He does because he was posting on Facebook from work.

I have posted to Facebook today but have not read my feed.

 

I almost never do.

Edited February 15, 2017 by maize

[Peaceseeker]

Sounds like you were just looking for some acknowledgment that you are important to him. Not necessarily a gift. And when relationships are strong these things can seem small and unimportant. But when relationships are struggling, little things can matter.

 

We don't do much for Valentine's day, I get the kids and my husband a box of chocolates, early in our marriage he got me flowers or chocolates. Later I told him it was more romantic to just get flowers on a random day so he did that instead. And then in the last few years, that stopped. Partly because finances were tight, but I missed getting occasional flowers. My love language is acts of service but I do adore flowers. They are romantic to me, and I am not one of those women who thinks they are a waste of money. I don't need a birthday gift, a Christmas gift, or a Valentine's day gift. But I need a little romance sometimes.

 

So this Valentine's day I got really specific. He asked me if I wanted to go out for dinner and I said, no I just really want some flowers. I even told him what kind, lol...

 

I know that is much less romantic than him surprising me on a Wednesday, but I was starting to feel a bit resentful so I just spelled it out. I NEED FLOWERS. And they arrived. It drives me a bit crazy that I had to do this, but he can be a very absent minded man. I can either be resentful or just spell it out sometimes.

 

That being said, I have learned to appreciate after 20 years the many ways in which he shows me he loves me. The fact that he ran to the store at 7 am just before he was about to fall asleep after working all night was romantic. He ran out for some emergency tooth pain medication for me. I didn't have to ask. He saw I was in pain and just left. That was more romantic than my flowers.

 

I have learned to spell out exactly what I need and want with this man but also appreciate the little things. But both parties have to make an effort. Even if he thought it was silly that I needed flowers this year for Valentine's day when I have told him not to bother in the past, he still did it.

 

If you need the words and he is not good with them, then a card might have been nice for you, even if it is a hallmark holiday. I didn't get my husband a card, but I took the opportunity to slip a love note in his lunch box telling him how lucky I was to have had him as my Valentine for 20 years and thanking him for the flowers.

 

I understand a lot of people don't celebrate this holiday, or can take it or leave it. I agree, and lots of years we don't do much at all. But since they have done occasional things in the past, and they are working on their marriage, a little acknowledgement would not have hurt!

Edited February 15, 2017 by CaliforniaDreaming

[Acadie]

Because, in this case, it wasn't a simple case of it not being on his radar. His Facebook feed was full of pics of what his friends were doing (we're friends with some of the same people) and he bought our 17 year old son something at the store over the weekend.

 

Ouch. I just want to say I hear your disappointment and pain, and get where it's coming from. 

 

Amy

[zoobie]

Because, in this case, it wasn't a simple case of it not being on his radar. His Facebook feed was full of pics of what his friends were doing (we're friends with some of the same people) and he bought our 17 year old son something at the store over the weekend.

 

He bought your 17 year old son something for Valentine's Day and not his wife? Okay, yeah, that's totally weird. 

 

DH knows I don't really care about cards. If he gets a card, it should be something heartfelt. He got a "funny" card for a holiday last year when we were in a really rough spot, and it was very hurtful (and yes, he knew that one of the issues was his making a joke out of everything). If you were expecting him to do something he had never, ever done before and had NO idea you wanted, that would be one thing. You've been together a long time to have a 17 year old son, and I assume you've told or shown him in the past what is important to you. If he knows that making a small gesture is important to you, then he should do it. It doesn't matter if it's not important TO HIM. It's important TO YOU, and your needs and wants should be important to him. Expecting something as simple as a card or a sweet text isn't unreasonable.

[Greta]

He did say, "thanks" but there was no mention of him having forgotten or chosen to do something to reciprocate.

 

 

:grouphug:  You have every right to be hurt and irritated.  He didn't just forget (he got your son a gift!) he CHOSE not to acknowledge you on the holiday.  And that sucks even in the best of times, but especially given what the two of you are going through right now.  I am so sorry.  :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

 

Maybe I could have specifically told him that I expected something... ANYTHING, but really if I have to tell you that I want to be remembered on Valentine's Day, then don't bother.

 

very gently . . .

this attitude concerns me. 

 

my grandmother thought this way.  we were expected to read her mind - when we didn't, it gave her an excuse to be angry with us.  (she *loved* to be a martyr. )  she could be angry at people so long - she'd long forgotten even why she was angry, 'only that she was'.  then she would claim that person was in her "debt" and she used it to justify herself in the way she treated them.

[Scarlett]

This is definitely true and I suspect the real source of OP's sadness. It isn't really about Valentine's day, that was just one more disappointment on top of many.

 

I do very much sympathize with that.

 

 

When there is trouble in the relationship everything takes on a bigger meaning.  I remember when I put a lot of thought into what I bought my now XH for our 25th anniversary.  It was not expensive stuff but thoughtful, based upon our history.  He blew it off.  To the point I took the one gift back and the one cool blanket my niece helped me make I gave to our son.  You know what he bought me?  The arm band that holds the small Ipod for running. 

 

I was just smh with how nuts it was.  In years past he had bought me very nice gifts.  So I get how you feel. 

 

I hope you can get things fixed.  ((((hugs))))

[Janie Grace]

I'm really sorry, Hoot. With all you have explained, I think this is definitely something to follow up on. I think it's odd that 1. He didn't do anything given your conversation over the weekend and 2. He didn't respond to your gestures with something like "oh gosh, I had XYZ in mind but time just got away from me..." or SOMETHING. Just to say "thanks" but not even mention the elephant in the room of his NOT doing anything is weird.

 

I think you should bring it up but I think you should make it really open-ended so you can hear and evaluate his reasoning. This will give you more real information on where he's at. I would say calmly, "To be honest, I was a little surprised you didn't do anything for Valentine's Day. Can you tell me about your thinking on that this year?"

 

That's it. And then just listen. And THEN tell him how you felt (if you want) or go process his answer and tell him later. 

 

MAYBE he is so discouraged about the relationship that doing something felt fake. He could be hopeful it's going to get better but not wanting to make a romantic gesture that doesn't feel authentic. Or maybe he was afraid of your response to his dropping the ball and so pretended it hadn't happened (sometimes my dh does this when he's late and it drives me crazy... I want him to say "sorry I'm late, Honey" and it'll all be good, but he seems to think that pretending he isn't late might just make it go away...). Maybe your dh is being a passive aggressive jerk and is just lazy and not trying. But I am hopeful there is a good reason and that he can articulate it. I don't think he didn't know it was Valentine's Day, so there has got to be something behind it.

 

I'm really sorry. I would be hurt too.

 

ETA: I just noticed the title of this thread and it really bugs me. This is NOT petty. Not remotely. The fact that you would call it that concerns me. You are a person who has been hurt. Your feelings are valid and they matter. There is nothing petty about being disappointed that you were overlooked by your dh. I really hope he doesn't make you feel that this is petty, but the first step is telling yourself it's not. And it's not. Okay?

Edited February 15, 2017 by Janie Grace

[mama25angels]

((Hoot)) I'm so sorry you had to deal with this, I was sad and hurt when my dh did almost the exact same thing.

Edited February 15, 2017 by mama25angels

[Hoot]

Ok, so when he saw the balloons and flowers and food, what did he do?Did he say "Oh wow, I totally forgot about Valentine's day...I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for all this!"

 

or did he ignore it? Or what?

He didn't acknowledge the flowers or balloons, which is fine, but he did say, "Oh you got dinner, thanks." Then I went into the story of how I ended up getting him the food I did after the restaurant didn't have what I really wanted to get him.

[Garga]

I didn't read it as the DH bought the 17 yo a Valentine's Day gift. The OP was pointing out that the DH was in the store getting something for the 17yo so would have seen the Valentine's Day signs/stuff sitting about.

 

I think the OP has reason to be upset. Valentine's Day coming up just after a conversation like they had was the perfect opportunity for DH to take action. Whether or not he has in the past doesn't count. The thought process should have been, "My wife isn't feeling loved. Hey! Valentine's Day is coming! I'll get her a little something! This is great timing!"

 

But instead...nothing.

 

Now, it's true that the day could have come and he didn't remember it was Valetine's Day. This can happen, even in stores with red and pink stuff everywhere. It could have been background noise that didn't register.

 

But when he got home and there was the dinner and decorations and the movie...then something should have happened. But it didn't. He just said, "Thanks." No expression of regret that he forgot the day. That's troubling.

 

I think one of two things are going on:

 

1. He's sad about the bad state of the marriage and is closing in from depression. He's unable to show love because it hurts too much to try.

 

2. He didn't realize the marriage was in a bad state and is resentful of the conversation saying that it was and is feeling attacked. And now instead of closing in from sadness, he's closing in out of defense and resentment.

[Garga]

I'm really sorry, Hoot. With all you have explained, I think this is definitely something to follow up on. I think it's odd that 1. He didn't do anything given your conversation over the weekend and 2. He didn't respond to your gestures with something like "oh gosh, I had XYZ in mind but time just got away from me..." or SOMETHING. Just to say "thanks" but not even mention the elephant in the room of his NOT doing anything is weird.

 

I think you should bring it up but I think you should make it really open-ended so you can hear and evaluate his reasoning. This will give you more real information on where he's at. I would say calmly, "To be honest, I was a little surprised you didn't do anything for Valentine's Day. Can you tell me about your thinking on that this year?"

 

That's it. And then just listen. And THEN tell him how you felt (if you want) or go process his answer and tell him later.

 

MAYBE he is so discouraged about the relationship that doing something felt fake. He could be hopeful it's going to get better but not wanting to make a romantic gesture that doesn't feel authentic. Or maybe he was afraid of your response to his dropping the ball and so pretended it hadn't happened (sometimes my dh does this when he's late and it drives me crazy... I want him to say "sorry I'm late, Honey" and it'll all be good, but he seems to think that pretending he isn't late might just make it go away...). Maybe your dh is being a passive aggressive jerk and is just lazy and not trying. But I am hopeful there is a good reason and that he can articulate it. I don't think he didn't know it was Valentine's Day, so there has got to be something behind it.

 

I'm really sorry. I would be hurt too.

 

ETA: I just noticed the title of this thread and it really bugs me. This is NOT petty. Not remotely. The fact that you would call it that concerns me. You are a person who has been hurt. Your feelings are valid and they matter. There is nothing petty about being disappointed that you were overlooked by your dh. I really hope he doesn't make you feel that this is petty, but the first step is telling yourself it's not. And it's not. Okay?

We must have been writing at the same time. I was about to add more to my post along the above lines: Let him do the talking. He's pulling away from you either from sadness/fear of the state of the relationship or anger/resentment that you're upset at him and he's not sure why.

 

So, when you talk to him, try to do more listening if he actually does talk. Hopefully he won't sit there in silence. But I'd try to get out of him what's going on with him.

 

It does sound passive-aggressive the way he's acting. And if you don't find out the root of it, this will drive you further and further apart.

Edited February 15, 2017 by Garga

[Hoot]

Ouch. I just want to say I hear your disappointment and pain, and get where it's coming from.

 

Amy

Thank you.

[Hoot]

very gently . . .

this attitude concerns me.

 

my grandmother thought this way. we were expected to read her mind - when we didn't, it gave her an excuse to be angry with us. (she *loved* to be a martyr. ) she could be angry at people so long - she'd long forgotten even why she was angry, 'only that she was'. then she would claim that person was in her "debt" and she used it to justify herself in the way she treated them.

Read the rest of the thread. And I understand the type of person you're talking about. My grandmother was exactly that woman. Even my husband would tell you that that is not me at all.

[Wheres Toto]

I didn't read it as the DH bought the 17 yo a Valentine's Day gift. The OP was pointing out that the DH was in the store getting something for the 17yo so would have seen the Valentine's Day signs/stuff sitting about.

 

 

This makes more sense.

 

If he really bought the 17 yo a Valentine's gift and nothing for his wife, and acknowledged her efforts with "thanks", I'd be inclined to think he was making a point deliberately.  That would scream passive-aggressive BS to me.

[Hoot]

That's exactly why it would irk me off, and I couldn't quite articulate it in my own post.

 

OP, when you bring it up with him, be sure to pinpoint specifically why you are upset. Not in an accusatory way, but just using this thread as an example....it started out with one post, and people started posting one way. Later as more information is shared, people started thinking different ways. So when you bring it up with him, make sure you identify the particular things you are upset about so that you can be sure he clearly understands your thoughts and feelings on it.

This is exactly why I didn't bring it up last night. Talking to other adults and working through it verbally can help me to clarify things in my own head and help me to see whether I'm overreacting and being silly with an issue or if I am genuinely right to be upset.

[mom2bee]

I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt OP. I haven't read the whole thread, but I don't think you're being petty and I hope that you can find a way to share your feelings and communicate to your husband in a way that he can receive.

[Hoot]

This makes more sense.

 

If he really bought the 17 yo a Valentine's gift and nothing for his wife, and acknowledged her efforts with "thanks", I'd be inclined to think he was making a point deliberately. That would scream passive-aggressive BS to me.

Honestly, he really doesn't do passive aggressive, so I don't think that's it.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited March 2, 2017 by --Kathy--

[goldberry]

We have discussed it but haven't acted on it yet. DH is not sold on its effectiveness and, to be honest, I am a bit wary because I've heard more people say that they found themselves worse off in the end than to when they started than actual success stories.

 

:seeya:  I'm a success story!  DH and I had a rough first five years.  We were both young and selfish.  We were very close to divorce.  Saw the best counselor ever, both worked equally hard... and now, after 31 years I can honestly say my marriage is the best thing in my life.  We talk every so often how we were *so close* to throwing in the towel, and what all we would have missed and given up if we did.

 

It takes a good counselor (switch if you get a bad fit) and both people being humble enough to admit responsibility plus work hard to fix it.  But it is possible.  Just wanted to throw out some encouragement!

 

ETA, I don't think you're being petty or silly.  It's hard when you're working but don't feel like the other person is.  :grouphug:

Edited February 15, 2017 by goldberry

[Greta]

I didn't read it as the DH bought the 17 yo a Valentine's Day gift. The OP was pointing out that the DH was in the store getting something for the 17yo so would have seen the Valentine's Day signs/stuff sitting about.

Oops, yeah, I misread that! Thanks!

[Katy]

This is the only act of passive aggressive behavior you've ever noticed in him?  He made two upsetting decisions here: 1) to get a gift for son and not you, and 2) not acknowledging the efforts you made.

 

 

Honestly if he's not passive aggressive except for this, ever...  I'd start snooping, because I would assume the disinterest came from somewhere. Is he an addict of some kind?  Does he have a history of affairs?  Does he have some other sort of obsession?  It sounds like covert narcissism or one of these other factors is at play, because there is no way he wasn't aware he was screwing up.

[bettyandbob]

The OP said she told her dh they needed to work on stuff and if they didn't she wanted a divorce.

 

Based on that I think there's a real possibility the dh really didn't know how to handle the holiday even if he had any inkling it was important to her. Clearly if she told him she saw problems, there's probably communication issues all around. For my dh who doesn't really do V-DAY, that would have thrown a layer of awkward onto figuring out if this was something he was supposed to do.

 

I think the OP should put her disappointment aside and focus on the relationship as a whole. A bad V-day is not a measure of whether the relationship can be saved.

 

In one post it's mentioned that the dh shows care through service. As part of communication I would notice every time he did something. I realized I had to start paying attention this way to my dh. It really helps and gives a new perspective to the relationship.

 

Anyway it sounds like they really need to work on communication.

[coralloyd]

Yikes, ok yes, you really are way off base. Yes, I did put thought into it. My husband ADORES food. The main part for him was the dinner, dessert (his favorite), and watching tv. The flowers and balloons were merely decorations. And no, I didn't simply run around after work at the last minute with no forethought, though I understand that my wording made it sound like it. I had this planned for a few days, but the nature of the items meant running around after work on the day of in order for everything to be hot, fresh, and a surprise.

 

Oh, I am so sorry I misunderstood! I still think that the best course of action in any marriage is to love fully without expecting anything in return. I know that you probably hope and wish for him to love you unconditionally, even when you mess up or act unloving toward him. However, I know we are all all human and it really hurts when we are slighted.  :grouphug: