TammyS Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 The way I was raised is to put on a brave face and not air one's personal baggage in public (at least not while one is still going through it). Just because I am friends with you does NOT mean I need to confide my troubles in you. If you want to get all huffy and think that means we're not actually friends because I'm a more private person, well, then YOU are the one who is not being a good friend. This kind of overintrusiveness and busybodiness is why I often get along better with men than women. I don't think anyone is suggesting that she has to confide in the OP, if the issue is not related to their friendship, but she is entitled to some explanation for a friend backing away. If it's "I've got other stuff going on right now, not related to you." That is sufficient, without having to air her personal stuff if she doesn't want to. Though, honestly, I don't know what you consider a "friend" if you don't want to confide in them. Not sure what the point is. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 Trust means letting the friend confide as much or as little as SHE feels comfortable, not feeling entitled to all the juicy details of her private business. But it's NOT her private business to the extent that it affects their friendship. A relationship is a two-way street. You can't just refuse to speak to someone anymore and not indicate at all whether it's because you have other stuff going on, or because you are upset with that person, or what. Whatever the thing is, it's affecting the friend, so it's no longer private. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I do know for certain that she is specifically avoiding ME and that she has a specific problem with ME. Twice, we had plans to get together and when I texted (twice) to confirm time and place, she waited until the last minute and then "politely" said she wouldn't be able to make it. No other explanation given.These were gatherings with a larger group of people, so her pulling out didn't ruin plans. Last week this happened a third time, so that's when I confronted her. I know that none of you know me irl, but I'm very laid back, not vocal about my opinions unless my opinion is asked for. I'm pretty tepid. She doesn't have children, so it's not that she has an issue with my kids/her kids. Even in middle school or high school when girls are not at their nicest, I've never had anyone react this way to me. I'm baffled. I realize that I just need to let this go and not waste any more emotional energy on it. Yeah, if she's not willing to tell you what's going on even after you asked her, I'd assume it's really HER problem - not yours. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I do know for certain that she is specifically avoiding ME and that she has a specific problem with ME. Twice, we had plans to get together and when I texted (twice) to confirm time and place, she waited until the last minute and then "politely" said she wouldn't be able to make it. No other explanation given.These were gatherings with a larger group of people, so her pulling out didn't ruin plans. Last week this happened a third time, so that's when I confronted her. I know that none of you know me irl, but I'm very laid back, not vocal about my opinions unless my opinion is asked for. I'm pretty tepid. She doesn't have children, so it's not that she has an issue with my kids/her kids. Even in middle school or high school when girls are not at their nicest, I've never had anyone react this way to me. I'm baffled. I realize that I just need to let this go and not waste any more emotional energy on it. Cancelling plans at the last minute three times is so passive-aggressive I wouldn't bother with this person again. People generally spend time together based more on their functionality than any other thing they might have in common. She is not that functional. So the relationship is ending. She is making it your problem, but as soon as you told about the cancelled plans, I can guarantee that whatever she thinks you did was something more functional than she is comfortable with. But making plans and cancelling like that is just so dysfunctional. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 OP, don't speculate on the problem. Respect her request for space, but don't sit wait. Work on relationships with other people. If after some time she reaches out decide then if you have room for her. It's OK if you don't. At various points in my life I have closed myself off from friends. Usually it was because there was a high level of vulnerability surrounding my DC. I didn't want to talk about what was going on. I wanted to keep things private so such information could not come back at DC in a negative way in the future. One poster said she'd at least expect a general statement about stuff going and not wanting the to talk about it. Nope. I would never do that. For me just withdrawing is what works best while I work through stuff. So move on. If months from now (or even a couple years) you run into this friend at Target and she invited you to the in store Starbucks and you have time, you can decide then if you have space for her. She may open up. She may not. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 (edited) OP, have you read the books Boundaries and Beyond Boundaries? They're great reads with tools for navigating relationships and situations like these. I've benefited greatly from them. You've tried to talk about it (good for you, that is so hard to do sometimes!), but she's refusing and being passive aggressive in other ways. You know what I think? Her loss! Time is too precious to waste guessing what may have happened and beating yourself up about it. Maybe she will come around. If she does, it would be a good time to listen, get to know your friend better, take responsibility if need be and grow to become a better person and strengthen the relationship, BUT working it out wouldn't be you being a doormat but an equal part of the relationship with needs and to talk about how this specific incident was handled and you being left in limbo like this is not okay. Friendships should be healthy and balanced. Edited February 17, 2017 by ifIonlyhadabrain 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfIOnly Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 (edited) And the those books I mentioned specifically talk about people who withdrawl in relationships when problems arise. Withdrawing is not a healthy relationship reaction. I'm sorry you're on the receiving end of it. Edited February 17, 2017 by ifIonlyhadabrain Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 OP, don't speculate on the problem. Respect her request for space, but don't sit wait. Work on relationships with other people. If after some time she reaches out decide then if you have room for her. It's OK if you don't. At various points in my life I have closed myself off from friends. Usually it was because there was a high level of vulnerability surrounding my DC. I didn't want to talk about what was going on. I wanted to keep things private so such information could not come back at DC in a negative way in the future. One poster said she'd at least expect a general statement about stuff going and not wanting the to talk about it. Nope. I would never do that. For me just withdrawing is what works best while I work through stuff. So move on. If months from now (or even a couple years) you run into this friend at Target and she invited you to the in store Starbucks and you have time, you can decide then if you have space for her. She may open up. She may not. I think your situation was different, though, because you didn't make plans with friends and then keep canceling at the last minute, which has been happening with the OP's friend. The OP's friend has her believing that she has done something to anger or hurt her friend, but the friend isn't "ready" to talk about it, and that's not fair to the OP. Needing some space is fine, but intentionally cancelling plans at the last minute and then knowingly letting your friend worry that she has done something wrong is just plain mean. I'm sure you never did that to anyone. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted February 17, 2017 Share Posted February 17, 2017 I do know for certain that she is specifically avoiding ME and that she has a specific problem with ME. Twice, we had plans to get together and when I texted (twice) to confirm time and place, she waited until the last minute and then "politely" said she wouldn't be able to make it. No other explanation given.These were gatherings with a larger group of people, so her pulling out didn't ruin plans. Last week this happened a third time, so that's when I confronted her. I know that none of you know me irl, but I'm very laid back, not vocal about my opinions unless my opinion is asked for. I'm pretty tepid. She doesn't have children, so it's not that she has an issue with my kids/her kids. Even in middle school or high school when girls are not at their nicest, I've never had anyone react this way to me. I'm baffled. I realize that I just need to let this go and not waste any more emotional energy on it. I think this post puts me even more firmly in the "Her Problem, Not Yours" Camp (we're having a campfire, tonight...with s'mores, if no one has eaten all Hershey bars. You should come :D ) I'm sorry mom@shiloh. I think you're right to let it go but I do understand that you'd at least like to know "why." :grouphug: 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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