close friend avoiding me

[mom@shiloh]

Wwyd?  We used to get together quite often, but she has been refusing my invitations for the last several months.  I finally confronted her and she admits there is an issue and we will discuss it "when she is ready". I am clueless.  Maybe it has to do with a difference in political views?  Maybe she was offended at an opinion I expressed several months ago?  I just have no idea.  

 

My thought is that if there is a legitimate grievance, please bring it to my attention so it can be dealt with.  If not, get over it.  The longer this goes on, the less inclined I am to be gracious about it. 

[bettyandbob]

You asked wwyd. You can think all kinds of possibilities and assessments of her behaviour. But I'd stop. Don't put more emotional energy in analysis now.

 

She's told she needs space. Let her have the space. The distance will change your relationship. Accept that and let it go.

 

Sometimes we analyze and find out where things went wrong. Sometimes we will never know.

[FriedClams]

Since you can't make her talk, I'd respect her need for space. If you will be, let her know you'll be available when she's ready and that you miss your friendship. But, be prepared for 1. Harsh feedback (on something you've already said you know nothing about), or 2. Never hearing from her again. Most people would avoid conflict so this friendship may die a slow death. Be prepared for that. And, if you do get harsh feedback, you likely may not agree with her perspective and it doesn't sound like she's mature enough or mentally in a place to compromise or overlook something. So, again, I'd be available but not expect much good to come of it. I'm sorry you're going through this. Friendships can be so hard as S adults (especially women!!). (Hugs)

[FaithManor]

I suspect that this is the end of the friendship. It hurts, but let it go. It recently happened to me. A long time friend is very angry that her daughter was not invited to join the rocket team. The

 

Someone who will be upset for months and not speak up is probably not interested too much in salvaging the friendship, OP. I think you should just move on.

Edited February 15, 2017 by FaithManor

[Selkie]

I think it's pretty annoying of her to say there is a problem but not tell you what it is. My inclination would be to wash my hands of her and move on.

[Xahm]

Try (easier said than done) not to play the "what did I say/do" guessing game. The issue might be something else (ie she is struggling with a medical, familial, or spiritual crisis) that she needs to work through without anymore advice or help than she already has.

[Bambam]

I'm sorry. It is hurtful when a close friend suddenly stops talking to you and won't tell you why. It feels, to me anyway, like a betrayal. 

 

I'd give her space, but, personally, I'd say good-bye to this friendship in my head. If she comes around and you guys get it resolved, great!

 

I am sorry. It is hard to find good friends. 

[Bluegoat]

It really could be so many things, i don't think I'd bother to try and figure it out right now.  It could be something you could never possibly guess.  Give her some time.

[Miss Tick]

Let your low-grade anger at that manipulative, vague, statement of avoidance fuel you to move on with out looking back.

 

Grieve for the loss of the friendship, but it is unlikely to ever return to what it was even in the best-case scenario.

[BlsdMama]

Wwyd?  We used to get together quite often, but she has been refusing my invitations for the last several months.  I finally confronted her and she admits there is an issue and we will discuss it "when she is ready". I am clueless.  Maybe it has to do with a difference in political views?  Maybe she was offended at an opinion I expressed several months ago?  I just have no idea.  

 

My thought is that if there is a legitimate grievance, please bring it to my attention so it can be dealt with.  If not, get over it.  The longer this goes on, the less inclined I am to be gracious about it. 

 

 

You know - the issue might be at her house too.  I refuse to go to anyone's house right now. The issue is totally me.  I am wiped out (due to medical stuff) and my two year old is a crazy high energy kid. I cannot chase him like I did my others and I'm not going to let him wreck others houses.  This is embarrassing to me and I wouldn't want to explain it.

 

I had a friend back away for a while (a couple years.)  She was dealing with some hard stuff with one child and didn't want to be tempted to talk to me about it.  She felt that would have been gossiping and she just needed to wait for the issue to work itself out.  She was wise, IMO.

 

This might have nothing to do with you at all.  Extend grace and mercy and let her know that when she wants to talk, you'll love it and her.

[KarenC]

It's been several months and she still won't even tell you what's wrong?  It's time to move on.

[StephanieZ]

If it's political, which based on what you've written is likely, and your political differences still remain, then I'd give her a ton of space and wait it out. 

 

If you have realized you were wrong about the stuff that you think came between you, then go to her and explain your errors, your openness to knowing better for the future, and your commitment to help make right the injustices/wrongs that you may have helped bring into being.

 

IMHO, no matter how distressed someone was/is about a political/social situation, if you admit you *were* wrong and were misled/incorrect/foolish (pick your adjective), and explain that you are now committed to doing better and making the world a good place . . . then I think it is 99% likely that your relationship can be salvaged. People can be forgiven once they recognize their errors and commit to making amends for them. 

 

If you don't think you were wrong, then I'd just let it go and move on to other relationships, as this one is dead IMHO.

 

I am trying very hard not to be mean or negative. I'm trying to just tell you the truth as I see it from where I sit . . . which is that many, many people on the losing side of the recent national changes see the current administration as an existential threat to human decency, American justice, human rights, etc. etc. It's not political for most of us any more, it's a human decency issue and an immediate threat to the safety of many people. THAT is why politics has suddenly become so personal and why this situation has disrupted so many friendships and other relationships, as most of us could never have previously imagined not being able to be in relationship with people on any side of the political spectrum. 

 

I won't give links, as I know that'll start a storm, but try googling up John Pavlovitz's writings in recent months for a gentle but fierce explanation of why so many people have taken this change in our country so personally and see it in such stark black and white terms. There is no middle ground for some of us. 

Edited February 15, 2017 by StephanieZ

[TammyS]

 

 

I had a friend back away for a while (a couple years.)  She was dealing with some hard stuff with one child and didn't want to be tempted to talk to me about it.  She felt that would have been gossiping and she just needed to wait for the issue to work itself out.  She was wise, IMO.

 

'

Even in a situation like this, I would expect to be told something along the lines of "I really can't talk about the issues right now, but it has nothing to do with you or being offended by you.  I just need some time to work on some other stuff."  Just dropping someone without a word is wrong.

[TammyS]

She's had time and space.  If it were me, time would be up.  I would tell her to put her big girl panties on and talk about, or I would drop her.  Because I am not a piece of furniture, sitting around waiting for her to decide when/if she's ready.  It is just not ok to treat people like that.

[Spryte]

If it's political, which based on what you've written indicates is likely, and your political differences still remain, then I'd give her a ton of space and wait it out. 

 

If you have realized you were wrong about the stuff that you think came between you, then go to her and explain your errors, your openness to knowing better for the future, and your commitment to help make right the injustices/wrongs that you may have helped bring into being.

 

IMHO, no matter how distressed someone was/is about a political/social situation, if you admit you *were* wrong and were misled/incorrect/foolish (pick your adjective), and explain that you are now committed to doing better and making the world a good place . . . then I think it is 99% likely that your relationship can be salvaged. People can be forgiven once they recognize their errors and commit to making amends for them. 

 

If you don't think you were wrong, then I'd just let it go and move on to other relationships, as this one is dead IMHO.

 

I am trying very hard not to be mean or negative. I'm trying to just tell you the truth as I see it from where I sit . . . which is that many, many people on the losing side of the recent national changes see the current administration as an existential threat to human decency, American justice, human rights, etc. etc. It's not political for most of us any more, it's a human decency issue and an immediate threat to the safety of many people. THAT is why politics has suddenly become so personal and why this situation has disrupted so many friendships and other relationships, as most of us could never have previously imagined not being able to be in relationship with people on any side of the political spectrum. 

 

I won't give links, as I know that'll start a storm, but try googling up John Pavlovitz's writings in recent months for a gentle but fierce explanation of why so many people have taken this change in our country so personally and see it in such stark black and white terms. There is no middle ground for some of us. 

 

 

This.  Exactly.

 

Trying not to be political here, but I will say that I am avoiding someone.  We were not yet close, but might have been (I am fairly new to the neighborhood, and she and I had hit it off).  There are things, though, that she and her DH have said/hinted at, that I can't brush under the rug as different views anymore.  I am tired of giving people a pass for doing things that are cruel to others, damaging to our planet, disenfranchising people seen as "other," racist, misogynistic, and I could go on.  I have spent too many years saying, "It's okay to have different beliefs, we are all the products of the intersection of our life experiences, and where your path took you is ok, just like where my path took me is ok."  Those same people I was excusing for acting inhumane, cruel, will never, never make an effort to see things from my point of view - they never did.  I see that now, in a way   I didn't see it before, because their actions in the last few months have been radically different from mine, when situations were reversed.  It's ugly, and it's showed me who a lot of people are, under their sheep's clothing. Why should I give them a pass for acting in a way I wouldn't accept from a toddler, much less from my pre-teen boy?  I will not model for my kids that that behavior is acceptable by inviting those people into our home and lives again. If they were to change - no problem, I'd be thrilled.  But otherwise - nope.  I'm not willing to overlook unconscionable behavior just to have another friend, and one with whom I disagree so profoundly. 

 

So, OP, if you want to know what's up with your friend, and you've asked, but she's not ready to talk about it, but you suspect it might be politics - you could be right.  I'm sorry.  It probably hurts your friend, too, if that's the case.  :(  

 

Honestly, if you want the friendship to survive, I'd give her space, and maybe let her know that you care, and are doing so.  

Edited February 15, 2017 by Spryte

[StephanieZ]

One surprising thing I'm seeing about how recent political developments have influenced our society . . . 

 

In my 17+ years of homeschooling, I've always soundly rejected schooling/social/etc groups that were religiously/socially segregated. Specifically, even though we were practicing Christians (Episcopalians) for much of our first decade of homeschooling, I refused to join or attend any schooling groups that were Christian-only or had Statements of Faith, etc. That was actually one of my stronger moral stands over the years (as it actually required significant "losses" since so many schooling groups are Christian-only), as we ourselves would have fit in OK as Episcopalians, but I just felt it was reprehensible to have a schooling/social group that excluded people of other faiths/etc. I admit that I always felt morally superior in my refusal to go along with exclusion of religious minorities. I had zero empathy for those who felt driven to have such groups, such "safe spaces" if you were, lol. I thought they were just thoughtless and cruel to those who were in the minority. (Not that I did much about it other than avoid those groups and support inclusive groups . . . and I still had -- and have -- many friends who themselves participated in these religiously exclusive groups.) However, although I tolerated it and looked away, I just could NOT understand why people would do such a thing if not for simply being bigots or fools. 

 

Now, however, I can understand better what drove those people to clearly exclude the "other" from their world. Maybe they felt as afraid of the "other", as threatened and endangered by it . . . as I feel now by the "other" side that won the recent election. I am afraid. I am distressed. I feel like the world is a much more dangerous and malevolent place than I'd always assumed it was. I feel morally compelled to create a virtual wall to protect vulnerable people from the malevolent forces out there . . . and I suddenly and persistently feel morally compelled to act loudly, locally, nationally, and frequently to advocate for what I believe is right. These are all new feelings for me. Was this what the "right" was feeling for all those years, and was this feeling why they so aggressively created spaces (especially for their vulnerable people -- their children) that were "safe" from outside threats? 

 

Hmmmm. Things to think about. Maybe we all have more in common that we thought we did. 

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited March 2, 2017 by --Kathy--

[Peaceful Isle]

I had a friend once like that. We were pretty close. Got together for lunch, went out on adventures, etc.. All of the sudden , she started to get distant with me. It hurt pretty badly, and I was so sad for a while. I apologized to her for what I thought might have made her that way, and she said I did nothing, and I was just great! Still, there was awkward distance.

Time has gone by. I decided to be kind to her when I saw her, and lately she is being a bit more friendly.

 

You never know what people are going through internally. Maybe she still needs you to be her friend, but not right now. I know it hurts, and I'm so sorry. I would just leave her alone for now.

No one is perfect. Even if you did something to hurt her, not purposefully, it's human. We are all human and are not perfect.

[TranquilMind]

I am trying very hard not to be mean or negative. I'm trying to just tell you the truth as I see it from where I sit . . . which is that many, many people on the losing side of the recent national changes see the current administration as an existential threat to human decency, American justice, human rights, etc. etc. It's not political for most of us any more, it's a human decency issue and an immediate threat to the safety of many people. THAT is why politics has suddenly become so personal and why this situation has disrupted so many friendships and other relationships, as most of us could never have previously imagined not being able to be in relationship with people on any side of the political spectrum. 

 

I won't give links, as I know that'll start a storm, but try googling up John Pavlovitz's writings in recent months for a gentle but fierce explanation of why so many people have taken this change in our country so personally and see it in such stark black and white terms. There is no middle ground for some of us. 

 

Since this is the chat board, all I will say is that this view is quite political. 

 

Pavlovitz is not a good source for a biblical Christian (and I don't know if that matters to you), as he does not believe scripture is any more than a collection of books, despite being a "pastor". He holds several anti-biblical positions.

Maybe that isn't relevant here, as I don't know your views, but I'm just pointing out bias here since this suggestion is made. 

 

If this friend is shallow enough to have dismissed you merely over the election, when it appears you haven't even had much discussion about it (maybe I'm wrong about that), this never was a friend in the first place.  Or, as a wise woman once said to me, "You were a support system, not a friend.  As soon as you didn't perfectly reflect her views or had needs of your own that required her to give back, you were no longer relevant". 

 

Of course, this whole thing may have nothing to do with the election at all.  Some people just fade away from friendships and you never know why.  I hope you are able to work it out. 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2017 by TranquilMind

[Crimson Wife]

It may not have anything to do with the OP at all. I had to distance myself from a bunch of people whom I normally like just fine when my DH was between permanent positions because I was envying the lifestyles they could afford. Under normal economic circumstances I don't care if other families have lots of disposable income & they choose to spend it on things like McMansions, luxury vehicles, exotic travel, expensive hobbies, designer clothes, etc. Their money, their prerogative. But when times were tough, I just couldn't deal with being around them or seeing their social media posts, etc.

 

If one of them had called me out on it, I probably would've given some vague excuse like the OP received. I was embarrassed by how un-Christian I was feeling and I would rather apologize after the crisis had passed (as I did).

[mom@shiloh]

Thank you for your replies.  Now I'm kinda sorry that I even suggested it could be political!  I'm just grasping at straws since I really have no idea.  I'm not at all vocal about politics and this friend and I share some of the same views, but not all.  It's awkward because we are in the same social circles and I think it may be uncomfortable for others in our group.  I don't know if others know the details of the situation and I'm not going to ask anyone else because I think that can be gossipy and harmful.  

[Guest]

Oh I dunno, I've actively avoided friends, either all of them or particular ones, for a few reasons. I tend to want to clear the air if I have a problem with others. But when I had a miscarriage, for example, I just so so didn't want to talk about it with some people. Or marriage trouble.... I wear my heart on my face and I had to take a beat from mutual friends to keep from talking about my husband in a patently unfair and emotional way. When my grandmother died...Stuff like that. Self care can look selfish from the outside!

 

If it came out she was just nursing bitterness against you, I don't think anyone would blame you for being mad in addition to hurt. But until you know, there's just no tellin.

[zoobie]

All you can do is let her have space.

 

A friend of mine has a child who has come out to her and her family. The child has not come out to their larger community. She has a friend from church who is very, very anti-LGBTQ. The type who thinks conversion therapy works and if you're gay, you're mentally ill. She can't deal with that friend right now, and she can't explain why without betraying her child's confidence. The issue wasn't as great to her before it was her child who was affected. So she's taken a leave from the women's group in her church and backed away from another group that this woman is very active in.

 

It could be something you could apologize for (something that was misunderstood or misinterpreted, or you stuck your foot in your mouth and have no idea), or it could be a difference of opinion that will not ever be resolved. If she doesn't tell you, you can't do anything about it. Just let it go. :

[Guest]

I have been through this twice on the receiving end.  One relationship is closer than it has ever been, even though it is different than it was in the past.  But you know what?  I realize now that that difference is BETTER, that our friendship is richer than it would have been on the old trajectory.  But for about 3 years...ouch.  That said, I am beyond grateful for this recovery.  When you are my age, you don't have the opportunity to make friends you will have for 30 years.  Keeping old ones matters a lot.  

 

But in another situation, a friend of more than 20 years abruptly sent me an email telling me never to call her again, that our friendship was dead and had been for a long time, that it was excruciating to talk to me.  And honestly, even though it has been 5 years now, I still have NO CLUE what happened.  Just no idea.  I can make some guesses but I really don't know and at any rate, the guesses lead me to possibilities that still do not call for that kind of response.  It hurt and it is confusing, but I can't make someone love me or talk to me.  If she were to call me tomorrow, I would be OK with that.  Really.  I have to assume something went really wrong and let it go because I am not getting any help here in figuring it out.  

 

All you can do is let her have space and move on with your life.  If you are a pray-er, pray for her.  

[momacacia]

Meh, she's playing passive-aggressive. Nobody got time for that. Move on, find a new friend. I'm sure there's someone nice out there, who is a better communicator who actually needs you as a friend. :)

Edited February 15, 2017 by momacacia

[Seasider]

I've been on the other end of this; "What's wrong? Why won't you talk?" Etc. etc. Mine just would not give me space and kept pushing and pushing. So, I finally told her. Yeah, you've been horrible to my kid and so has your dd. I'm over it. I would have preferred not to have the confrontation, but you demanded it. I don't have the mental energy to deal with drama. So, my advice--if someone asks for space, extend it to them.

Could it be that the problem is not between you and her, but actually between her kids and your kids? I had one acquaintance that I really liked and made an effort to be friends with, but her children were just awful to my kids. My dc actually begged me NOT to have play dates with them! This woman saw no problem with her own children, and I did not have a good way of saying hey, we can be friends but you have to leave your kids at home. I imagine that as I backed away from that relationship, it probably looked much as Margaret describes above. It was easier to disengaged the friendship than to tell the gal her kids acted rottenly.

 

ETA not implying your kids are rotten! It could be the other way, though. Maybe your kids are super nice and/or accomplished, and she doesn't believe hers are, and her comparison is resulting in discontent to the point of avoiding you.

Edited February 16, 2017 by Seasider

[MomatHWTK]

She may be struggling with something and handling it as best as she can. That may not make you feel better, but at least you know where things are for now. Try to put the situation out of your mind and wait to see what her next move is. You can be as polite and kind to her has you have always been while you wait.  :grouphug:

[DawnM]

I have been on both ends of this.  I am sure most of us have at one time or another.

 

Two years ago I cut off a certain group of HS moms I used to hang out with all the time.  They became completely cliquey and gossipy, almost like they were reliving some high school experience they hadn't ever had before.  It was HORRIBLE.  It got to the point that I cringed when they came around.   I stopped hanging out with them abruptly.  I lost sleep for a time over it, it bothered me so much.

 

But I am much better off now.  I left both groups they were a part of, and have made much better friendships outside of that group.  But I had to get OUT first, if that makes sense.

 

Hoping you can find peace.

[kewb]

Just give her the space she needs and move on. If she comes back, great. If not, you will have made other friends.

 

It may have nothing to do with you at all.

 

I had a good friend break up with me a few years ago. It still bugs me that I have no idea what I may or may not have done. I would try to make plans and she was always to busy so I stopped trying. I would still send the occasional thinking of you text and a Happy Birthday text so she knew I was there if she wanted me. This last birthday I didn't get the thank you she usually would text so now I stopped texting altogether.

 

When I allow myself to think about it I hope she is alright and that whatever caused her to pull away has resolved positively for her. And maybe one day we will reconnect.

[Alice]

In all honesty, I would be really hurt and her response alone would probably damage the friendship from my perspective. I'm not saying that is the right response, but you asked WWYD, which is not necessarily the same as What Should You Do. I admit my response would likely be colored by the fact that my Mom does this all the time. She will get upset about something and then tell me not to contact her until she is ready to talk. It's become such a hurtful thing to me. I think you did respect her need for space, for months, it sounds like. And now when you've done the right thing about seeing if there is an issue to work through...it's like a slap in the face to get the response you did. I'm not sure I could come ever be close friends again with the person. Not that I couldn't forgive them or try and work through the issues but just that it seems like the other person has slammed a door on communication. I'd be wary of getting too close again. 

 

I think I'd just invest in other friendships and leave this person alone. When she is ready to talk, I'd listen. I'd try and be friends again if she was someone in a social circle where it would be awkward not to be at least superficial friends but I don't think I could go back to having a close friendship. 

 

:grouphug:

[HeWillSoar]

In all honesty, I would be really hurt and her response alone would probably damage the friendship from my perspective. I'm not saying that is the right response, but you asked WWYD, which is not necessarily the same as What Should You Do. I admit my response would likely be colored by the fact that my Mom does this all the time. She will get upset about something and then tell me not to contact her until she is ready to talk. It's become such a hurtful thing to me. I think you did respect her need for space, for months, it sounds like. And now when you've done the right thing about seeing if there is an issue to work through...it's like a slap in the face to get the response you did. I'm not sure I could come ever be close friends again with the person. Not that I couldn't forgive them or try and work through the issues but just that it seems like the other person has slammed a door on communication. I'd be wary of getting too close again. 

 

I think I'd just invest in other friendships and leave this person alone. When she is ready to talk, I'd listen. I'd try and be friends again if she was someone in a social circle where it would be awkward not to be at least superficial friends but I don't think I could go back to having a close friendship. 

 

:grouphug:

 

This!   If that friend did decide to come around, I don't think I'd ever be able to fully trust her again.  Because the next time she didn't like something you said, you know what would happen. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

What I would do is probably drop it and her.  No one holds me as an emotional hostage. Either tell me what's wrong and we work it out or get over it on your own.  It's not worth my time/energy.  Which might be why I have no friends that I'm not related to?

[lllll]

nm

Edited March 2, 2017 by --Kathy--

[StephanieZ]

What I would do is probably drop it and her.  No one holds me as an emotional hostage. Either tell me what's wrong and we work it out or get over it on your own.  It's not worth my time/energy.  Which might be why I have no friends that I'm not related to?

 

LOL, that might be why. :) 

 

The friend *is trying* to get over it on her own. She's just asked for a break. She's not holding anyone hostage. 

 

I have a good number of very old (10-30+ years) friends and a reasonable number of newer (within the last decade) friends. There aren't any of those friends who've been close to me for over a decade (some for 30+ years), who hasn't done some hurtful things at times. Drawn away. Taken time off (even years for one). Dissed me in some way. When we are close to people, we see their sore spots, their weaknesses . . . because they trust us enough to BE real, and because we've been close enough for long enough to BE real. Real people screw up. Real people have bad times. Real people have rough patches. Real people have secrets and mistakes and shame. I am quite sure that I've screwed up more than my share, too. 

 

Sometimes, things come back together and eventually we talk about what went wrong and apologize and/or explain. Other times, we just move on. Sometimes many years later, I figure out what happened . . . She withdrew because her dh is a controlling SOB and she was in a rough time personally . . . Or, she withdrew because she was overwhelmed with mental health or relationship problems. Or, whatever. Sometimes, I still don't know. It's OK. 

 

People are beautiful not just in spite of our failings but because of them. 

 

The only perfect people are those who you don't know enough to know their flaws. 

 

Embrace the imperfection, and you'll find people who you can truly love and who can truly love you. I have several friends who I'd lay down my life for. I have several friends who I *know* without a doubt would drop everything and fly to me or my kids if we needed them. Who'd pull out a credit card and pay for whatever we needed. And vice versa. Those are the friends who don't shame me when I share my darkest fears or deepest secrets. I've got one husband -- who is gold and who knows everything. It's "gravy" to have a few friends who can also know the real me. Being KNOWN and KNOWING someone is what real love is. My dearest beloved friends all have flaws. So do I. I couldn't keep up with perfection. It'd exhaust me just trying to keep up.

[Catwoman]

Wwyd? We used to get together quite often, but she has been refusing my invitations for the last several months. I finally confronted her and she admits there is an issue and we will discuss it "when she is ready". I am clueless. Maybe it has to do with a difference in political views? Maybe she was offended at an opinion I expressed several months ago? I just have no idea.

 

My thought is that if there is a legitimate grievance, please bring it to my attention so it can be dealt with. If not, get over it. The longer this goes on, the less inclined I am to be gracious about it.

You don't have to be gracious. You don't have to give her some space. You don't have to be patient.

 

She is only thinking of herself. She is not being a good friend to you. Good friends don't leave their friends hanging by telling them there is a problem but not being willing to talk about it.

 

Personally, I would politely confront her again and if she says she is still "not ready" to talk to you about it, I would probably just tell her not to bother because there was no longer anything to talk about. And then I would be done with her.

 

If someone pulled a stunt like that on me, I would probably never trust her again, unless it turned out to be something very serious like an illness or another major personal upheaval in her life -- and even then, if we were supposedly such close friends, I would still wonder why she hadn't at least told me I hadn't done anything wrong, even if she wasn't up to sharing more details than that. As it is, your friend seems to be making you think you've done something to offend her, and that's not a nice thing to do if she won't explain herself.

[foxbridgeacademy]

You don't have to be gracious. You don't have to give her some space. You don't have to be patient.

 

She is only thinking of herself. She is not being a good friend to you. Good friends don't leave their friends hanging by telling them there is a problem but not being willing to talk about it.

 

Personally, I would politely confront her again and if she says she is still "not ready" to talk to you about it, I would probably just tell her not to bother because there was no longer anything to talk about. And then I would be done with her.

 

If someone pulled a stunt like that on me, I would probably never trust her again, unless it turned out to be something very serious like an illness or another major personal upheaval in her life -- and even then, if we were supposedly such close friends, I would still wonder why she hadn't at least told me I hadn't done anything wrong, even if she wasn't up to sharing more details than that. As it is, your friend seems to be making you think you've done something to offend her, and that's not a nice thing to do if she won't explain herself.

 

Much more eloquently put then I said but exactly my thinking too.  I've had this "emotional hostage" thing done to me a time or two and I don't need anyone badly enough to put up with it.

 

 I'm happy to listen to what they feel I've done wrong.  I'm even happy to look at myself and see if I agree and then try to better myself.  What I will not do is worry or wait months while they throw a tantrum and play High School Drama Queen, they can have that role, I'm not a teenager.

 

 I think the difference though in a lot of people's responses might come down to how they view and how much they need friends/friendship.  I don't need and really have little patience for IRL people I'm not related to.  DH is my best friend, so is my sister.  My mom, even though we have very different views, is my friend.  I have another sister who I am getting closer to now that she's straightening out her life.  I have a 19 year old DD who I talk to several times a week.  I have a 16 y.o. step daughter who likes to talk to me on average of 2 hours a day, and my DD 13 is my best friend in training (her words).  I talk to my son about politics and the state of the World and a thousand other things.  I have NO TIME for people who can't be upfront and honest about how they feel and why they are mad at me so I no longer bother with it.

 

So to the OP.  If this person is like family and I felt like I needed her or feel that my life and her's benefits from having a close bond, then I would try to repair my relationship, but if it doesn't then I'd just be done and save myself a lot of time and worry. But like I said in PP that's just me and YMMV.

[Crimson Wife]

The way I was raised is to put on a brave face and not air one's personal baggage in public (at least not while one is still going through it). Just because I am friends with you does NOT mean I need to confide my troubles in you. If you want to get all huffy and think that means we're not actually friends because I'm a more private person, well, then YOU are the one who is not being a good friend.

 

This kind of overintrusiveness and busybodiness is why I often get along better with men than women.

[Catwoman]

The way I was raised is to put on a brave face and not air one's personal baggage in public (at least not while one is still going through it). Just because I am friends with you does NOT mean I need to confide my troubles in you. If you want to get all huffy and think that means we're not actually friends because I'm a more private person, well, then YOU are the one who is not being a good friend.

 

This kind of overintrusiveness and busybodiness is why I often get along better with men than women.

I don't think that's the case here. It sounds like the friend has an issue *with the OP* that she is refusing to discuss.

 

No one has suggested that the friend needs to confide every detail of her life with the OP, but if she is upset with the OP, the woman isn't being much of a friend if she won't even discuss the problem with her.

[Crimson Wife]

Trust means letting the friend confide as much or as little as SHE feels comfortable, not feeling entitled to all the juicy details of her private business.

[Crimson Wife]

I don't think that's the case here. It sounds like the friend has an issue *with the OP* that she is refusing to discuss.

 

No one has suggested that the friend needs to confide every detail of her life with the OP, but if she is upset with the OP, the woman isn't being much of a friend if she won't even discuss the problem with her.

 

What we know:

-the woman is avoiding the OP for some reason.

-when the OP confronted her, the woman said she would tell the OP about it "when she is ready".

 

The OP is *ASSUMING* that the woman has a problem with her specifically but we don't actually know that. The woman could be avoiding a LOT of people for reasons that at this time she prefers to keep private.

 

[Catwoman]

What we know:

-the woman is avoiding the OP for some reason.

-when the OP confronted her, the woman said she would tell the OP about it "when she is ready".

 

The OP is *ASSUMING* that the woman has a problem with her specifically but we don't actually know that. The woman could be avoiding a LOT of people for reasons that at this time she prefers to keep private.

 

In that case, the friend should have the common decency to let the OP know that she is not angry with the OP and that she needs some space because her issue is personal and she doesn't want to discuss it.

 

It's not right to just leave the OP wondering what she did or didn't do wrong when her friend could ease her mind with a two minute phone call or a quick response to a text or email.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Trust means letting the friend confide as much or as little as SHE feels comfortable, not feeling entitled to all the juicy details of her private business.

Oh, god no, I don't want to know private business. All she'd have to say is "it's not you" and "I'll tell you about it when I'm ready" (or just the "it's not you" and "I'm never telling" is OK with me).  But then I'd ask outright if she were pi$$ed at me.  

[kathkath]

I have had this happen twice and in both instances it turned out to be a pattern for the friend--get close, pull back--I was one in a string of failed friendships. Both were passive aggressive type people and one I now realize is a full fledged narcissist. I have had enough strong loyal friendships to know these 2 situations were not about me. I'd give her a chance to talk if she wants, and then move on.

[Catwoman]

Oh, god no, I don't want to know private business. All she'd have to say is "it's not you" and "I'll tell you about it when I'm ready" (or just the "it's not you" and "I'm never telling" is OK with me). But then I'd ask outright if she were pi$$ed at me.

:iagree:

 

This. Exactly.

[Guest]

You don't have to be gracious. You don't have to give her some space. You don't have to be patient.

 

She is only thinking of herself. She is not being a good friend to you. Good friends don't leave their friends hanging by telling them there is a problem but not being willing to talk about it.

 

Personally, I would politely confront her again and if she says she is still "not ready" to talk to you about it, I would probably just tell her not to bother because there was no longer anything to talk about. And then I would be done with her.

 

If someone pulled a stunt like that on me, I would probably never trust her again, unless it turned out to be something very serious like an illness or another major personal upheaval in her life -- and even then, if we were supposedly such close friends, I would still wonder why she hadn't at least told me I hadn't done anything wrong, even if she wasn't up to sharing more details than that. As it is, your friend seems to be making you think you've done something to offend her, and that's not a nice thing to do if she won't explain herself.

 

Thing is, people go through phases and friendships do, too.  I had a very similar thing happen to me with a friend who has been dear to me for now 30 years.  But there was a three year silence / issue in the middle.  I am so glad I didn't write her off or think it was a "stunt"--it just was what it was.  She is a wonderful friend and I am so thankful we weathered the three years.  I had some growing up to do, as it turns out, as well.  All is good now...

 

I guess one of the things I have learned as I have gotten older is that the drama isn't worth worrying about...but neither it a reason to kill a friendship.  I don't have the time to make a new 30-year friend.  And even if I did, they wouldn't hold my past...there are very few people in my life at this point who hold my past, and it matters to me that they knew me back in the day...and that I knew them.  And their children and their husbands and their trials and their victories.  

 

I'm happy to give a little space to save that possible treasure.

[lailasmum]

I have ended friendships at various times and predominantly it's because people have shown their true colours through times of stress and I've suddenly realised those people are not who I thought they were. It ends friendships suddenly. I also agree it could be be this person is overwhelmed by something and it has nothing to do with you. They just don't have the energy for the social stuff right now.

[Catwoman]

Thing is, people go through phases and friendships do, too. I had a very similar thing happen to me with a friend who has been dear to me for now 30 years. But there was a three year silence / issue in the middle. I am so glad I didn't write her off or think it was a "stunt"--it just was what it was. She is a wonderful friend and I am so thankful we weathered the three years. I had some growing up to do, as it turns out, as well. All is good now...

 

I guess one of the things I have learned as I have gotten older is that the drama isn't worth worrying about...but neither it a reason to kill a friendship. I don't have the time to make a new 30-year friend. And even if I did, they wouldn't hold my past...there are very few people in my life at this point who hold my past, and it matters to me that they knew me back in the day...and that I knew them. And their children and their husbands and their trials and their victories.

 

I'm happy to give a little space to save that possible treasure.

I hope things will work out for the OP and her friend, and I do understand that the friend may need some time to herself, and I don't think the OP has a problem with that.

 

The problem is that the OP doesn't know if her friend is angry or upset with her, or if she is dealing with personal problem that is totally unrelated to anything the OP said or did. A good friend would ease the OP's worries with a quick call, email, or text. I think the friend owes her some kind of response.

 

I'm glad things worked out between you and your friend. :)

[Guest]

I hope things will work out for the OP and her friend, and I do understand that the friend may need some time to herself, and I don't think the OP has a problem with that.

 

The problem is that the OP doesn't know if her friend is angry or upset with her, or if she is dealing with personal problem that is totally unrelated to anything the OP said or did. A good friend would ease the OP's worries with a quick call, email, or text. I think the friend owes her some kind of response.

 

I'm glad things worked out between you and your friend. :)

Oh I can't tell you how glad I am that it worked out. :0)

 

I guess the difference is in thinking that something is owed vs something is a gift. I don't think I am owed anything by a friend (anymore). Every bit of love or friendship is a gift. I can't demand or require it--if what I want is love. I can only receive it as it is offered.

 

But it has taken me a long time to learn that. And sometime I have to learn it again. (I hate that part!!!)

[mom@shiloh]

What we know:

-the woman is avoiding the OP for some reason.

-when the OP confronted her, the woman said she would tell the OP about it "when she is ready".

 

The OP is *ASSUMING* that the woman has a problem with her specifically but we don't actually know that. The woman could be avoiding a LOT of people for reasons that at this time she prefers to keep private.

 

I do know for certain that she is specifically avoiding ME and that she has a specific problem with ME. Twice, we had plans to get together and when I texted (twice) to confirm time and place, she waited until the last minute and then "politely" said she wouldn't be able to make it.  No other explanation given.These were gatherings with a larger group of people, so her pulling out didn't ruin plans. Last week this happened a third time, so that's when I confronted her.  I know that none of you know me irl, but I'm very laid back, not vocal about my opinions unless my opinion is asked for. I'm pretty tepid. She doesn't have children, so it's not that she has an issue with my kids/her kids.  Even in  middle school or high school when girls are not at their nicest, I've never had anyone react this way to me.  I'm baffled.

 

I realize that I just need to let this go and not waste any more emotional energy on it.

[Guest]

OP, I just want to say I'm sorry you are going through this. Being dumped by a friend and not knowing why is very painful. I do think you have done all you can do; in a similar situation I have not been as forthright as you are being and it only prolonged my hurt. I would now go on with my life and put my energies into other friends. You've asked and she doesn't deny there is an intentional coldness, so I do think there's a point where you stop throwing your pearls before swine.