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lauraw4321

WDYD when you are kind of an a-hole?

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I think I am looking for advice, or a slap or I don't know. Something. I just find myself in this constantly-irritated mood when I'm with my family. I work FT (mostly to alleviate my own depression caused by the incessant and overwhelming feelings of failure that I had when staying home). 

 

I don't think I'm depressed, although I do feel a little hopeless, because I can't get it together for my kids. I try hard to be focused on my kids when I'm with them. But the bickering, Ninjago talk, lost shoes, whining (i.e. normal kid stuff) just drives me crazy. 

 

I guess I feel like I'm just never satisfied and never will be satisfied. When I stayed home, I was miserable. When I'm home from work, I fight off being unhappy and irritated all the time. I still struggle with feelings of failure. I think of all the things I should be doing, and am not. I seem to have lost my faith, on top of this.  To the point that I don't even want to go to church (and I have always loved church, even during a brief stint of atheism in college). 

 

I don't know if part of this is related to the upcoming anniversary of a traumatic event. But I think really, I'm just realizing that I'm not a super nice person. Or a super happy one. 

 

And then I think about the kind of mom I *want* my kids to have and kick myself again for not being that kind of mom. It's too late to not have kids. So.. how do I become a nicer/better/kinder/more patient person? 

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Try to think of a few things you do well, and focus your mind on those for a while.

 

Don't expect perfection from yourself.  Be human and let your kids know that human is as good as it gets.  Let your kids know that sometimes your stress is going to speak out unpleasantly - and then when it happens, just acknowledge it, forgive yourself and move on.  Naturally it follows that your kids will receive the same grace.  :)

 

Nobody can be all things to all people.  For stuff you don't enjoy doing, find a way to get the minimum done and let that be good enough.  If that means hiring a maid or letting some clutter build up behind closed doors, buying prepared foods, etc., so be it.

 

Meanwhile, do look into possible reasons why you may be feeling a bit empty.  Is sleep good, is there a food that doesn't agree with you, are you consuming media that isn't uplifting, could you have a chemical imbalance or vitamin deficiency?  Are you doing anything for yourself?  Did you stop your exercise routine?  It could also be the sad upcoming anniversary.

 

Good luck!  I've been there more than once.

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Would you believe I was literally just thinking about you this afternoon, wondering how you were doing? I'm sorry you're still struggling so much.

 

That sounds like depression to me, honestly. I went through what you're describing years ago, and it was so hard. I was never happy, there was no joy in anything, I was angry and snappy with everyone in my life and no one could do anything right, least of all me. What helped me--changed my life, really--was 5-HTP. I don't have time to do a whole lecture on it now, but you can do some research. Also try reading the book The Mood Cure. That helped me when I was at my lowest and is helping my oldest DD now. 

 

If you don't want to do that, please talk to your doctor about depression. When nothing is good and nothing feels right and everything feels wrong and there's no light left, just grayness...it's depression, even if it doesn't look like it from the inside. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

Edited by ILiveInFlipFlops
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Have you been to a doctor? Maybe see if there is a psychiatric nurse practitioner in your area, they have experience with mental health and can be easier to get in with than a psychiatrist.

 

Because everything you posted is screaming depression to me.

 

You can start with your regular doctor, get a thyroid work-up and check for other things that can cause depression. But please don't hesitate to look at medications that impact depression in the brain directly; this is a physical illness and we have many good options to address it medically. A therapist who is experienced in cognitive behavioral therapy is also helpful as that can help re-set the brain as well, but for many it works best in combination with pharmaceutical intervention.

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Damn. I've been treated for depression before. Medication was effective. Except they also made me not feel joy. Just steady okay-ness. I function fine at work.  I hate my stupid stupid brain.  Why can't I just be happy. Damn.

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Maybe a different medication would be better for you? I know feeling emotionally flat is no fun either.

 

Kids are stressful--so much noise, so much chaos. If you've got little emotional reserve it is just too much.

 

I know at least one boardie found that she had an MTHFR mutation and that appropriate supplementation to address that helped a lot emotionally. Might be another avenue to investigate. There is a lot you can do in terms of health and lifestyle that can help with depression--exercise, diet, vitamin D (many, many people are deficient), light therapy if winter makes things worse, mindfulness/meditation (I've seen studies showing actual changes in the brain from practicing this).

Edited by maize
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You deserve love as much as anyone. As a matter of fact, nice people are often creepy. Don't worry about being nice. The fact that you are worried about being good enough means you are. No discussion. Embrace being good enough.

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Are you getting 8 hours of sleep a night?

Are you getting any exercise?  Just walking up and down the street at the very least?  (My dad used to run up and down our staircase a few times in a row a few times a day.)

Are you eating properly?  Lots of fruits and veggies?  A decent amount of water?

Are you getting away about once a week for some down time?  To get yourself a cup of coffee somewhere and read a magazine?  If you're extroverted, see if you can get someone to go with you.  Get a coke from McDonalds and sit there for an hour with someone.  If you're introverted, then go alone.

Are you getting enough Vitamin D?  It's winter.

Are you having tea time with DH, if that's something you like?

 

You don't have to answer this to us, just putting all this out there.

 

You do owe it to your kids not to snap at them when you're around them.  I found the young years to be a challenge.  They're so illogical and emotional and it was tough for me to deal with.  I like it better now that they're older.  However, while they're still young and a challenge, you really don't want to be the mom that they grow up and talk about.  You don't want them to be on forums talking about how their mom always seemed irritated with them.

 

If I want to change my behavior around the kids, I pretend my mother-in-law (or someone like a mother in law) is in the room all the time.  If someone like that was in the room watching me, I would be able to control my reactions to the kids.  

 

When you first see the kids again after a time apart, do you gather them up and keep going, or do you stop and look in their faces and spend a couple of minutes reconnecting, looking into their eyes?  I watched that Abraham Lincoln movie directed by Spielberg a few years ago and it impacted me.  Lincoln would stop whatever he was doing, no matter how important (and we all know he was handling life and death issues every day), whenever his kids walked in the room.  He'd give them his undivided attention.  He did that for everyone he met.  I thought I'd read somewhere before the movie came out that he was known for that.  Sometimes I pretend I'm Lincoln when I'm tempted to be irritated at the billionth interruption from one of my sons.  

 

Your faith.  Have you grown in a different direction from your church?  Do you need a new one?  Do you need to just listen to some sermons at home for a bit?  I get a bit bored with my own pastor's sermons, so I listen to the sermons from the church up the road during the week.  I don't want to leave my church, but I need better sermons.  (I can pm you the name of the church up the road and you can download their sermons if you like, if the denomination is agreeable to you.)  I started listening to the sermons when a friend started attending there and told me that the sermons were so easy to understand and gave her lots of ideas of how to live out her faith in a gentle way.  I've only listened to about 5 of them, but so far I agree with her.

 

And of course, if all those little things aren't adding up and you can tell there's something more going on, then get treated for depression.  Because if it's depression, the above things will help only a little.

 

Though, I do have a nurse practitioner friend who finds that a number of the depressed people who come to her start feeling much better when they follow her "doctor's orders" to get 8 hours of sleep a night.  It can take a couple of weeks, but sometimes that's all you need.  

 

I am not dismissing depression if you have it from a brain chemistry issue.  Some people have depression because they're merely sleep deprived.  Some don't.

 

Ok---lots of typing.  Sorry for the book.  Toss anything that isn't applicable.

 
 
ETA:  I hope that barrage of questions/commentary doesn't come across as judgmental. It's not meant to be.  You're wondering what you can do to improve your feelings and I tried to think of practical things plus I tried to acknowledge that what's going on might be more than simply diet/exercise/sleep related.  Please take the post in the spirit it was meant--hoping to help but knowing that I'm shooting arrows in the dark.  You'll have to assess whether any of this applies to you.  Because if you're depressed and it's out of your control, I don't want you feeling like a failure for that.  Get the medical help you need if that's the case. 

 

 

 

Edited by Garga
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I get enough sleep. I eat well. I don't have much free time because...kids. I have dropped exercise recently because I've prioritized sleep. I try to do that mental trick of there's someone in the room. Doesn't work for me anymore.  Doesn't even work when my MIL is literally in the room with me. I do connect with them when I see them. I learned that here, and I do that. 

 

I don't know about church. I don't want to listen to sermons, but thanks for the offer.

 

I'm going to try to get exercise, even if it means less sleep. I'm going to give it a few more weeks.  If it doesn't work, I'll start back the meds.

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I'm going to try to get exercise, even if it means less sleep. I'm going to give it a few more weeks.  If it doesn't work, I'll start back the meds.

 

Have you looked into whether there is any way you can exercise while you work or while you spend time with your kids?

 

For example, a "fitdesk" or similar at work, or with the kids, choosing some outdoor activities to do together (it might also keep them focused on more positive things instead of fussing).

 

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 depression caused by the incessant and overwhelming feelings of failure 

You might want to talk with your doctor about  whether anti-anxiety medications might work better for you than anti-depressants.  The conditions can be co-morbid, but the treatments can differ greatly.  

 

You don't need to wait this out if you don't want to.  You sound miserable, and it is impacting a huge part of your life.  Sure you tried one thing and it didn't work, but that doesn't mean that every other medication will make you feel the same way.  Treatment is out there.  ((hugs))

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(Hugs)

 

I agree with others. Diagnosis of depression can br irritability instead of sadness, which I think is surprising to most people. It's uncontrollable compared to before (chemical), not a flaw in you.

 

Some psychologists feel having a fulfilling, supportive relationship can be one of the biggest influences in developing depression but idk.

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I had extreme stress, which caused anxiety, which caused depression. Those seem to be the steps for me: stress, overwhelm, retreat completely, further overwhelm, anxiety, depression. I can catch it now, but it took a long time. Depression meds flattened me out completely, but when combined with therapy and direct life steps I actually got somewhere with my brain. It took about 8 months to a year and they began weaning me off of the meds. The flat feeling was necessary to break the cycle and let me have enough time as a functioning person to develop habits. Once I was weaned off, it helped me go "whoa, self! This is feeling negative. Get out the list of what to do and start forcing yourself to follow it."

 

I cannot say I was never depressed again and have overcome my anxiety, but I am a much healthier person. Now I get depressed for a week - not suicidal. Now I am a hermit slacker for ten days - not just stopping payment of all bills or normal life functioning. Now I can notice and get out of it.

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I'm pretty much right there with you, except my kids are not getting the brunt of it. I just signed up for a meditation class to begin Wednesday. I do remember that when I did meditation in the past, I was much more calm and accepting. In my case, I do know some specific things that are contributing to my stress.

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Pills. When you are miserable all the time, something needs to change, and a crutch (even short term) isn't a bad choice when there are only so many hours in the day.

 

There is no "I'm not a happy person".  That is self defeating. You are capable of being happy. You just need the right supports.

If you are married, you should be evenly splitting housework and parenting -- at least right now when you are overwhelmed. If you arent', you should take steps to change things.

Presently you are unhappy. Change can get you out of the hole.  Accept change.

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I agree with the visit to the doctor. They can check bit D levels, thyroid, and other things that might be affecting you. Also, depending on your age, it could be peri-menopause stuff as well.

 

Exercise, Vet D, real sun, a SAD light, high doses of Omega 3 and/or counseling might help and be enough but it might also be time for medication.

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Hi, have you had any recent changes? It took me over two years of deliberation to quit my job (I wanted the decision to be made for me. Like get fired or DH tell me I had to quit. No one obliged). Then I was kind of a jerk for being at home because frankly I felt totally invisible. Now though, 1.5 yrs later, I know I am happiest at home (maybe I'm kind of lazy a little bit if I'm honest) and am sort of owning the whole thing.

So maybe give it sometime. No one is 100% happy all the time. Especially depressive/anxious types, we sort of have to constantly manage it. And the home thing is tedious and rather thankless and there's no paycheck (or any validation) every two weeks. Maybe not try for "why am I not happy" but more of a sort of acceptance of self. dont hate on your brain, it's also given you amazing things.

Edited by madteaparty
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Yeah, that's depression. VERY similar to what I've been experiencing. What's been helping me (and trust me, if I wasn't pregnant I'd be on meds in a heartbeat) is methylated B vitamins (I take seeking health brand..they have one that is B12 and Folate together), fish oil (Barleans Omega Swirl actually tastes good and I think the fish oil helps the most out of the supplements), and getting sunlight in the morning. I try to get to the park, but just going out in the parking lot of your office would work, and get direct sunlight. Maybe take your lunch break outdoors? I swear that helps more than anything. 

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(hugs)

 

 I'd rule out physical causes of depression first. I'd have a thyroid work up, vit d3, b12, and a hormone panel.

 

Many, many people are d and b12 deficient, especially in the winter and those have a huge effect on mood. Vit D deficiency is related to depression. Most of us (in the US) can't get enough d just from the sun in the winter, it is just impossible, especially for those who are fair skinned and if you are already deficient that is especially true. 5k iu is a minimum for recovering from deficiency. I do 10k iu, my husband has been supplementing that much for a good while and still not in ideal range- 50-80.

 

As we get older our hormone production drops, progesterone especially is very calming, when I was really low I called it my happy cream. I went from a constant state of being pissed off to feeling (mostly) zen and happy. 

 

Hypothyroidism leds to depression and is often missed because Dr's don't do the right tests or use the right lab values. TSH is fairly worthless(as it is a measure of a pituitairy hormone) first of all and normal people have a value around 1, yet Dr's only measure TSH and tell people a TSH of 3+ is normal. Not to mention that the actual values of the thyroid hormone are free t3 and free t4 and often not even tested.

Edited by soror
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I will try to call my doctor. When I first went for depression he just prescribed meds and didn't run any tests. I'm in my 30s which is probably why he didn't think it could be those other things.

 

The worst part of depression is that when it starts to get bad is when it starts to be overwhelming to do things like call you doctor, make an appointment.  I really REALLY don't want to. At all. I know he'll just say, well meds worked last time let's do those again, and I don't have it in me to fight him. Honestly I still have a few left, so I think I'll just start taking them, call and ask him to call me in a refill.  He probably will. Seems much easier than blood work, vitamin D, fish oil, etc. 

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Great advice upthread about depression.

 

IF it's not that...I will say...I had someone in my life going through that ...just feeling annoyed and short tempered all the time....and I insisted they try to fake it til they made it.

 

They did fake it. And they did make it.

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I will try to call my doctor. When I first went for depression he just prescribed meds and didn't run any tests. I'm in my 30s which is probably why he didn't think it could be those other things.

 

The worst part of depression is that when it starts to get bad is when it starts to be overwhelming to do things like call you doctor, make an appointment.  I really REALLY don't want to. At all. I know he'll just say, well meds worked last time let's do those again, and I don't have it in me to fight him. Honestly I still have a few left, so I think I'll just start taking them, call and ask him to call me in a refill.  He probably will. Seems much easier than blood work, vitamin D, fish oil, etc. 

 

How old are those pills?

 

To be completely honest, that sounds like a bad idea. A dumb idea, if you want a kick in the pants.

 

Medication  and "etc" are not mutually exclusive. Do both.

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::delurking::

 

So, I don't have enough time this morning to read all of the responses, but I did read your two responses to other.

 

First, {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} You need to take a deep breath. Relax, even if it is just for a few moments. Be gentle with yourself. If I came on here and gave a similar post, what would your advice to me be? Breath.

 

Second, while I think exercise is very important for our bodies, I think sleep is equally important. Now, I don't know where you are, but pack the kids up and take them someplace where you can ALL walk. You don't have to choose between sleep and exercise...you can just make the kids go for a walk with you. Rather than focus on giving up something, adapt.

 

Third, depression is insidious. It is one of those nasty summer colds that sneak up on you and then smack you when you least expect it. Every year on March 1st, I turn into a raving lunatic (okay, that might be me being hyperbolic, but I'm Not Nice). I am Not Nice for exactly 11 days and then on March 12....I'm normal. It sucks. It is a full on light switch. Last week, my son even mentioned to my mom that we could do something or another....why? Because it falls between 1 Mar and 11 Mar. Why? Because on 11 Mar 11 I lived in Japan. We are coming up on the 6th anniversary and this will be the 5th time I've gotten really cranky. Knowing it is coming....I try to dampen my emotions and my responses. I issue a self-regulation that I must breathe 2 breaths before responding to anyone.....but that didn't stop me from chewing the head off the poor mechanic last year. Poor dude. He's still scared of me.

 

What does this mean? This means that you know you are under stress right now as your date gets closer. But, this probably means something else too. Have you considered talking to someone? I highly doubt you need medication...you mentioned that earlier. I think this sounds a whole lot more like you have some problems to work out and resolve within yourself. Maybe see if you can find yourself an MFT, an LCSW/ MSW, or even an LPC in your area. Go in and tell that person what you've said to us.

 

You aren't the person you want to be.

I don't think I'm depressed, but I feel hopeless.

I'm unhappy and unsatisfied.

I don't enjoy something I used to love. (church)

I don't think I'm a nice person.

 

{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}} I think the fact that you are upset and unhappy about this shows that you *are* unhappy and probably depressed. It happens so slowly sometimes that we just don't see it.

 

A few months ago, my daughter's (15yo) therapist (who she sees because of a nasty divorce) looked at me as we were leaving her office and said, "So, how are you doing with all of this?" And.... I started crying. Turns out, without realizing it, _I_ had slowly become more and more withdrawn and depressed. She saw it, because she saw me every week with dd. I didn't see it, because i was too busy living day-to-day and dealing with dd's steadily worsening illness. My friends missed it because they were too close and really didn't know what to look for. I've been seeing her for several months now and that's a good thing for me and for my kids. _I_ am having a hard time and consequently, I'm not a nice person. I'll admit to something hugely embarrassing to me..... on Sat morning I cursed at my daughter and ripped her a new one. Now, she deserved the scolding, having done something I find highly inappropriate, but I've never cursed _at_ her before. I apologized later for cursing at her; that was uncalled for. 

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}} Be gentle with yourself. You are a good person, otherwise you wouldn't be questioning yourself. 

 

Kris

 

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Have you looked into whether there is any way you can exercise while you work or while you spend time with your kids?

 

For example, a "fitdesk" or similar at work, or with the kids, choosing some outdoor activities to do together (it might also keep them focused on more positive things instead of fussing).

 

 

:iagree:  Try to fold the exercise into something else.  I think sleep is a huge thing and I wouldn't give up sleep for anything. 

 

Also, taking the kids outside to exercise (even if it's just walking around the neighborhood or yard) will allow them to burn off more energy in a not-in-your-face way.  I actually instruct my kids to yell and scream and run outside.  Then I demand inside voices inside.  The inside of a house should be calm and quiet, not silent, but quiet.  There is no reason that being in one's home should feel like being under the big top.  It's ok to tell your kids to lower the volume or stop talking entirely.  It's ok to require them to behave with calmness indoors.  It's ok to tell the kids that you aren't interested in (fill in the blank stupid kid thing) and they have 30 seconds to talk about it, then they have to leave you alone about it. 

 

I say all of this because I wonder if part of the problem is that you are just putting up with too much and need to put some deliberate boundaries in place, rather than reactionary ones?

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You sound like me! I started an antidepressant 2.5 weeks ago (not an ssri) and it's been wonderful. I am so much calmer and nicer to my kids. My main symptom was irritability.

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Didn't read all replies. Just wanted to stop in because this resonates with me. 

 

First of all... if you are struggling, you still must have a decent sense of humor because the title "wwyd if you are kind of an a-hole" brought me some joy today. I'm sorry. That's funny. 

 

Second, it does sound like depression. 

 

Third, I understand the reluctance to go back on meds. I stayed off meds for a couple years and was proud of myself. I understand that meds are not the perfect solution that some people think they are. They are not without downsides. That said, there is no such thing as a life without compromise. As it is now, there are things in your life that you wish were different. On meds, there are things in your life you wish were different. It comes down to weighing the 2 sets of compromises and seeing which ones are worth living with more. 

 

And I don't know your beliefs but for me, remembering that we live in a fallen would (like the bible says) is actually quite encouraging when the despair kicks in about why things are so unlike they are supposed to be. 

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Thank you everyone. I've called my doctor to ask for an appointment. I can't tell you how much of a failure that makes me feel like. My DH told me I have to really start thinking about my mental health just like I do any other chore/responsibility. I'm trying not to cry at work, so thank you for making me see it is depression again. I guess I need to accept that this is something I will battle forever.

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It's not a failure. You're not a failure. You recognized a problem and are taking action to try to fix it.

 

That is SUCCESS.

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Thank you everyone. I've called my doctor to ask for an appointment. I can't tell you how much of a failure that makes me feel like. My DH told me I have to really start thinking about my mental health just like I do any other chore/responsibility. I'm trying not to cry at work, so thank you for making me see it is depression again. I guess I need to accept that this is something I will battle forever.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Depression is not in any way a failure. It is just a reality of life that some people have to deal with--just like some of us have to deal with flat feet, or thyroid problems, or dyslexia, or hearing loss, or heart murmers. Human bodies come with all sorts of imperfections impacting various organs, including the brain.

 

My husband has struggled with depression for decades; medication helps manage but does not cure it. Some days it is just an immense struggle for him to get out of bed. Staying calm as a parent can be almost impossible. For me, those things are easy--not even something I really have to work at. Is he a failure when he works so much harder than I do to deal with things that come easily to me? I just can't see the world that way. I don't struggle with depression and he does not because I am doing something right and he is doing something wrong, anymore than I don't have to wear hearing aids and he does because I am doing something more right than him. We've just been dealt different hands when it comes to the way our bodies, including our brains, function and all we can do is move forward addressing our various challenges as best we can.

 

Kudos to you for calling your doctor! Depression is a real beast and I have a lot of respect for people who have to tackle it on a regular basis in their lives.

Edited by maize
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It's not a failure. You're not a failure. You recognized a problem and are taking action to try to fix it.

 

That is SUCCESS.

 

Yes!  This!

 

If you had a broken leg, you'd seek treatment.

 

If you had pneumonia, you'd seek treatment.

 

This is NO Different!

 

Seeking treatment IS success!!

 

hugs!

 

Anne

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Damn. I've been treated for depression before. Medication was effective. Except they also made me not feel joy. Just steady okay-ness. I function fine at work.  I hate my stupid stupid brain.  Why can't I just be happy. Damn.

Depression medication is a journey in itself! I tried three different prescriptions before I just said no to them and turned to my essential oils (lavender, peppermint, and citrus all help me) and St John's Wort. Plus, and I cannot emphasize this enough, EXERCISE. Whatever you enjoy doing that can also count as exercise, do it! Hike, walk, swim, bike, whatever, for at least 30 minutes/day. It's very, very difficult to pull yourself out of depression by your own bootstraps and it's not recommended. I know you think "it's not that" or "no one could possibly feel the same as I do" or "no one should else is as much a failure as I am." Those are all signs that something is not right, and you need help. I know, it SUCKS. I fight this monster at least once a month if not more often.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS. You have taken the first step in getting help by reaching out to the hive. We are SO PROUD of you for that!  :hurray:  Seriously. Now the next step is to actually seek treatment. For your own well-being. You have even noticed you are unable - at this time, without help - to be who you want to be to your family. That's not to say you CAN'T be. You just need some extra help right now. And that's okay!  :grouphug:

 

Having fought this monster for awhile now, I have some other ideas and suggestions. Feel free to PM me with any questions.

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Thank you everyone. I've called my doctor to ask for an appointment. I can't tell you how much of a failure that makes me feel like. My DH told me I have to really start thinking about my mental health just like I do any other chore/responsibility. I'm trying not to cry at work, so thank you for making me see it is depression again. I guess I need to accept that this is something I will battle forever.

 

Look at it like you have a UTI or a sinus infection. Are those problems indicative of a moral failure? NO! Neither is depression. You're trying. I believe you. You're trying EVERYTHING you know how to do to make yourself be okay, and you're not being okay.

 

So, it's like you've tried treating your UTI with cranberry extract and it didn't work.

 

You've neti-potted your sinuses and it didn't work.

 

You've tried to exercise, sleep right, and eat right. And it didn't work. So go to the doctor already!

 

It's not a moral failing!

.

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The failure I feel is in getting back to this point and not doing something about it earlier. About thinking that I had mastered something I clearly have not.

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The failure I feel is in getting back to this point and not doing something about it earlier. About thinking that I had mastered something I clearly have not.

 

This is what makes depression so insidious, and what makes people not recognize how bad things have gotten. It's such a slow creep that you don't--can't--recognize it. Many, many people don't realize how depressed they've grown until someone objective, who's not living under the cloud with them, points it out to them. Please don't beat yourself up anymore. Be proud that now you can see that your struggles have an actual real, treatable, medical cause, and you've managed to pull yourself up and make the call that needed to be made. That takes strength. Be proud, also, that you're not an a-hole. You're a struggling, depressed, working mom who's trying to make things right for her family. A-holes don't fight to improve things. 

 

Anyway, I know some real a-holes. You have nothing in common with them!

Edited by ILiveInFlipFlops
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The feeling of failure is part of the depression.  It wants to perpetuate itself, so it will do what it can to convince you that *you* are the problem, not *it* (it being the depression), so there's no point trying to fix the depression b/c you'd still be stuck with you.

 

I look at it like a virus, or like a parasite - that toxoplasmosis one in cats, for instance.  When I am depressed I cannot trust what my brain says.  It is like walking through the neighborhood and seeing every house on fire - I know, intellectually, that the houses are not on fire, b/c I can ask DH and he says there is no fire, but they still look like they're on fire and smell like fire and I feel the heat.  It is hard to ignore the evidence of your perception - the depression says that because you feel a sense of failure, you must have failed.  But it is the feeling itself that is false.

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Aside from all the helpful advice you've had how much time are your kids getting out of the house. Kids can be pretty crazily irritating at times, when they are cooped up in the house. They are usually way easier to cope with it you can get them out of doors. I realise this could be hard if it's winter and your real busy though but it's worth the effort.

 

I hear you on the ninjago thing!!! I really never want to hear another ninjago story again...

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As a depressed person (and a malcontent, honestly), I think you sound depressed.  Go to your doctor and don't ask yourself ANY questions about why you feel a certain way about XYZ, etc.right now. Make NO life decisions until you have this under control.  I say this because I have suffered greatly in worse depression of my own making because I tried to "figure it out" and wonder why my faith felt dead, why *I* felt dead before getting well.  It was a futile exercise until my mind was healed, you know?  Take those burdens off of yourself until you are balanced.  One of my life mottos from this experience is to never make a judgment about myself or my life when I am not mentally well.  Be well!

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I just want to say that you are doing a wonderful thing by getting help. I may not know you but I am so proud of you that you recognized the need for help and made the appointment.  Your children are grateful to have a mom who see this, too.  

 

Hugs to you.  You can do this.

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