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S/O DH working late: doing dinner/bath/bed with littles with one person


medawyn
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This is my parenting Achille's heel.  I'm pretty much toast at 5:00 pm (and was in my pre-child life as well).  Add in the chaos of prepping dinner, juggling schedules, and handling end-of-day toddler emotions, and I feel like I've been hit my a train most evenings.  Best advice from moms who have btdt (or are in the middle) with several littles and no bigs or DH to lend a hand in the evening?

 

I think my biggest problem these days is the baby wild card.  His napping schedule isn't entirely predictable, so sometimes he needs to be in bed as early as 5:30; other times it's 6:00-6:15.  My "big" kids are in bed by 7.  So much easier when everyone was in bed at the same time!

 

Give me your best survival tips!  Or just commiseration is welcome, too.

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My oldest is 3.5 years older than my twins.  Infant/toddler/preschool years were tough at bedtime, and I usually did it alone.  (Dh traveled/worked late)

 

I didn't do baths before bed.  We brushed teeth and washed anything gross (faces, hands, feet).  I piled everyone into a bed or onto the couch and read a story at night.  I tried to enlist my oldest's help when I could (help me dress a baby, bring me a diaper, etc.) Then everyone in bed and lights out.  Try not to lose it when they get up for the 4th time for a drink of water...lol.  

 

Mostly it was just tiring and exhausting, and I harbored more than a little resentment at dh because he didn't deal with it on a nightly basis.  

 

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Oh dinner.  Heh.  I cooked most dinners with a baby hanging on one leg, and one in my arms, while the oldest was babysat by the TV.  We also ate insanely early...like 4PM.  Everyone hit meltdown mode by 5, and dinner was a nightmare if I did it any later.  We still eat early, even though everyone is grown! lol.  

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Hugs.

 

Here is a list of things that might or might not help:

 

1. Make freezable meals and make two batches. One to eat, one to carefully label and freeze. Maybe do two over weekends when perhaps DH is more around to help? Plus one during the week. That will help build up easily reheated meals to put on the table without a ton of thought.

2. Don't bathe every child every night. Clean hands, faces at bedtime but maybe bathe them earlier in the day or in the morning or maybe do one in the morning and two in the afternoon.

3. Consider hiring a local teen to come over and help once a week or at least twice a month for some relief. Maybe take a nap, catch up on housework, etc.

4. Set up premade/prepped snacks that are ready to go as needed.

5. Get some great Crock-Pot recipes so you can start dinner in the AM and have it ready to go at dinner time.

6. Make a list of the tasks you find the most challenging to accomplish. Look at that list and brainstorm ways to either streamline it, cut something out, or do it at a more efficient time of day.

7. Remember that someday you will get sleep again.

Hugs

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Wow. I only have two...and a hubby home by 5:30 many nights. Still, I have given up on convention. Her school takes longer. We currently do everything possible outside in the morning. Read outside during lunch. Math and science while toddler sleeps, and snack. Spelling/ MCT gets done on the shower door while toddler bathes/plays in the afternoon...

 

Edited to say: I am severely sleep deprived:(

Edited by Kerileanne99
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We do baths in the morning. My 6 year old is capable of filling the tub while I get the DS3 ready. Electronic babysitter gets them both while I make dinner. After dinner, they can go play in their rooms, either together or separately.

 

Mostly, just hang on until bedtime (oh, glorious bedtime!).

 

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My DH worked out of town during the week when the kids were little. It was rough. I was ready to collapse by 5pm. Mine were two years apart; baby and 2 y/o was the worst year.

 

I did not cook dinners. Our cooked meal was the midday meal - evening meal is sandwiches, or for the baby jarred baby food or cereal. Easy and no prep.

I bathed both simultaneously. We spent every afternoon outside, so the bath was necessary on most days. 

After that, evening routine, reading, good night songs.

Baby slept in my room until 6 mo, that was easier. After that, staggered bedtime was more difficult since they shared a bedroom. DD got to stay in the living room and look at books until baby was asleep, and then I put her in bed.

 

Good luck.

Edited by regentrude
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Dh was deployed the year my first two were 2 and baby. Once we were in for the day I would bathe them (they probably didn't really need a bath every day, but they liked it) and put them in pjs. We also always did easy food for dinner. I tried to give them a really good breakfast and a decent lunch, then I wasn't too picky about dinner. We had oatmeal or cheese and crackers a lot. I also rested when they napped so I wasn't too wiped out by bedtime-which was 7:00.

 

Dh was also deployed when my first 3 were 4, 2 and a baby. That was much harder. What I most regret about that time was that I didn't go easier on myself. I should have used the electronic babysitter more and not felt so guilty about not getting to everything. The kids could have eaten cereal for dinner and watched a backyardigans and gone to bed a little dirty and it would have been totally fine.

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It's tough to be the sole parent all day long! We tend to have light suppers. I give myself a break by having the kids play outside from 3:30 or 4 until supper.

 

Life got much easier when my oldest could shower independently. Now my daughter can bathe minus washing her hair which makes things easier too. My 4 year old still needs lots of help, but is slowly becoming more independent. Some days I have the kids get completely ready for bed prior to supper.

 

I have found that it helps to have something fun to do prior to bedtime. It can be reading a book, watching a short kids show (together) or playing Uno, just something to remind myself that my kids are fun to be around even when I'm really tired. We don't do it every night, but it is something we try to do every few nights when dad is out of town.

 

Hang in there, it does get easier even if it's never really easy.

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I started to type out a long fluffy response, but ultimately it boiled down to two things.

 

One. I ditched daily baths for the kids. I grew up on one bath a week and lived, so we would go several days between. Then when we did bathe, it was both in the tub together. Individual baths only happened when DH was around to help.

 

Two. Electronic Babysitter. Seriously, I never would have survived without VHS tapes of Barney and Blues Clues. I'll tell you, that last half hour of the day, snuggled up watching tv together ended the most rotten day on a positive note.

 

Also, if DH wasn't going to be home for dinner, we ate very simply. There was no shame in hot dogs, scrambled eggs or mac-n-cheese from a box. You do what you gotta do to get thru the day.

Edited by Lady Marmalade
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Seriously, I think people would be shocked at how often (meaning NOT) I bathed the kids.  LOL  I HATE bathtime.  So we'd do one, maybe two kids in a day (1-2 days a week with NO baths) and earlier than dinner so that after dinner was easier!  Throw in a dvd or whatever for the ones not bathing and call it done.

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I just want to say that I'm really appreciating the honesty here (regarding TV, simple dinners, no daily baths).

 

My husband works nights and while he is home/awake in AM, the evenings are the hardest!

 

So much needs to happen in such a short time.

 

I agree with the pp who said to start early. Today my kids sat down to dinner at 445! They eat, wash up, help me clean the toy room. By then it's just after six, we have time for a story or two or a show (if they haven't already been watching too much in the afternoon) while I finish the dinner time clean up before bed, which is 7pm.

 

Knowing bedtime is so close usually gives me a spurt of energy around 5pm. Lately I've been especially diligent about keeping to the schedule. Having that time alone (7-9) before my Dh is up is just delightful.

 

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We did morning baths most of the time, and early dinner, DVD for 1/2 an hour in the evening....that helped some.

Though it doesn't seem like it now, this phase won't last forever. They will get bigger, more independent, and sleep better. Do what you need to do to make things easier for yourself. 🙂

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Who says kids need a bath every evening?  We go through periods where my goal is a weekly bath...and sometimes that doesn't even happen.  And we go through other periods where the kids insist on a bath every day, so we do it at 3 pm as a transition from playing outside (bonus points if you can get them in pajamas then too!). I'm in the baby/toddler stage of life, and the thought of having to do a daily bedtime bath when I'm already completely wiped out and with no extra pairs of hands....ugh. Just. no.

 

I go with easy dinners. Something out of the crockpot, something out of the freezer. Last night after the kids were asleep DH and I made 150 meatballs and baked and froze them (lol...our Friday nights....). That will make a ton of easy-as-pie meals - grab however many we need out of the freezer, and dump into a sauce on the stove for a few minutes until thawed, and that's it.  Meat and cheese platters with some fresh fruit and veggies, maybe with hummus if I have time, are a family favorite.  You can do the slicing and dicing whenever you have the energy, maybe even days in advance. Quesadillas are easy to whip together if you have the basic ingredients on hand and prepped. I like to keep a container of diced meat and a container of shredded cheese in the fridge.

 

This is survival mode. It's okay to think outside the box. It's okay to change your expectations about what a child's evening should look like.

 

 

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(What everyone else said, plus...)

 

Caffeine (tablet or beverage) at 3:30 and a snack for me. Every day. Some people need morning coffee to start their day. I need to not crash at 5:00, so I "power snack" and everyone in my family is much, much happier.

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I'm so glad I started this thread.  Thank you all for the advice and the commiseration.  It's nice to hear that it is honestly hard sometimes, and it's okay to change expectations.  It is especially nice to hear that this is a season, and that other seasons will bring different challenges.

 

We definitely don't do bath every night, except for baby.  He's self feeding, and I have yet to find a food that he can't make a mess  of  :lol: It's not full baths every night; sink baths and full body wipe downs count, too!

 

I think my most challenging moment is trying to get the baby down. My 3 (almost 4) yo and 2 yo really can't play together unattended, so it's a rotating guessing game of "what will keep you occupied, reasonably quiet, and of sound body for the next 10 minutes".  Eventually we'll get there!

 

And thank you for the re-thinking dinner suggestions.  It's almost easier when DH is out of town, because I can feed the kids whatever works and I'm fine if I end up with cereal.  When he's home, he would like more of a "meal" for dinner, which leaves me either preparing two different meals or attempting to cook something with the two year old having a fit on the floor and baby having a fit on my back.  Doable, but not relaxing or sustainable every night.  I think I might look at serving dinner earlier and reworking some of the evening routines.  And we've basically eaten through my freezer stash, so this is a good reminder to restock for easier nights.

 

Suggestions are helpful, but it really is comforting to know that being exhausted and frustrated at 5 pm is normal. 

 

 

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I had five children age four and under. Deep breath. You will survive. It's hard now, but believe me when I say that I actually miss those years. :grouphug:.

 

My kids were bathed once per week unless something messy happened. They were bathed on Saturdays immediately after dinner and put into their jammies for bed time. My eldest and youngest went first because Joy could be trusted to keep an eye on Faith while I finished up with the boys as the tub could fit only three at a time safely. Yes, they shared the tub and survived.

 

I did as much once a month cooking as possible and made double or triple batches of everything to freeze ahead of time.

 

We did not have a dishwasher, so I spent lots of time doing dishes. My washer and dryer were constantly in use so the laundry didn't pile up.

 

Everybody napped or rested for at least two hours after lunch. That was my sanity time. Audiobooks were always available for the kids to listen to during that time but they had to stay on their beds.

 

The only regular outing we took every week was church on Sunday. Doctor appointments, dentist visits, etc were scheduled for all the kids on the same day so dh could take the day off and accompany us. Then we had a treat of takeout food for lunch/dinner following the appointments.

 

Bedtimes were my one on one times with the children, since dh was home by then to watch the baby while I put the others to bed. Everyone was in bed by seven, each with one story he/she wanted me to read. I would rotate who went first. I would pray with each child, read his/her story, sing his/her special song that we made up when they were each infants, we could talk for a few minutes about the day, give kisses and hugs, put on an audio book, and say goodnight. I did that with each child and it really helped me to view them as loveable individuals rather than a pack of demanding little beings, sucking the life out of me. I only spent about 15 minutes doing this with each child, but it meant so much.

 

ETA: if dh wasn't home to watch the baby, she would sit play quietly or listen to each story as we rotated through the rooms together. Fortunately, she loved stories, so it worked out well.

 

When they got older and wanted longer stories, we switched to a family prayer and read aloud time. I still tuck them in and talk with them before they go to sleep though.

Edited by Ewe Mama
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I'm so glad I started this thread.  Thank you all for the advice and the commiseration.  It's nice to hear that it is honestly hard sometimes, and it's okay to change expectations.  It is especially nice to hear that this is a season, and that other seasons will bring different challenges.

 

We definitely don't do bath every night, except for baby.  He's self feeding, and I have yet to find a food that he can't make a mess  of  :lol: It's not full baths every night; sink baths and full body wipe downs count, too!

 

I think my most challenging moment is trying to get the baby down. My 3 (almost 4) yo and 2 yo really can't play together unattended, so it's a rotating guessing game of "what will keep you occupied, reasonably quiet, and of sound body for the next 10 minutes".  Eventually we'll get there!

 

And thank you for the re-thinking dinner suggestions.  It's almost easier when DH is out of town, because I can feed the kids whatever works and I'm fine if I end up with cereal.  When he's home, he would like more of a "meal" for dinner, which leaves me either preparing two different meals or attempting to cook something with the two year old having a fit on the floor and baby having a fit on my back.  Doable, but not relaxing or sustainable every night.  I think I might look at serving dinner earlier and reworking some of the evening routines.  And we've basically eaten through my freezer stash, so this is a good reminder to restock for easier nights.

 

Suggestions are helpful, but it really is comforting to know that being exhausted and frustrated at 5 pm is normal. 

 I don't know if this suggestion helps but a friend of mine would have her husband help her cook up 5-6 meals over the weekend and freeze them.   Dinner was always at 530 on weekdays.  She was really firm about that schedule.  If hubby couldn't make that, she fed the littles anyway (they were already cleaned up for bed, just needed face/hand scrubbing after dinner) and let them watch Blues Clues.  Hubby would sit and eat with her when he got in and the kids would share a dessert of some kind with daddy at the table afterwards.  Then it was bedtime.

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I lived that for many years.

 

I learned to do freezer meals or the crock pot a lot. I also did a little dinner prep when I could like getting the salad ready ahead, chopping veggies, etc. Doing everything at dinner time was a disaster. And I wasn't above putting them in front of the TV just before dinner.

 

At times I bathed them when it worked for me, not necessarily the end of the day too.

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I had three under three and I think I bathed them together most nights. I actually switched them to showers as soon as possible. My dc were always night owls, and I'm a terrible cook, so if I'm being honest, we ate out a lot and then my dh was home to help. When he wasn't, I probably hurried them through the process and then we all got in bed to watch a movie until they fell aslee and were moved, or he came home. My parents also live nearby and they were here a lot, which saved me many times.

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Make dinner as simple as possible, leave the dishes for the morning when I had SOME energy, and just girded my teeth and did my best.

 

I don't see any other way.

 

((()))

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Mine are getting older (8, 5, 3), but evenings are still really hard here, even when DH is around. He used to work late most nights, but now he's generally home for dinner unless he's traveling, which he does often. So, I've had lots of practice with the evening routine on my own over the years.

 

When he's traveling, as he does often, I change the following:

Before he leaves, I make sure I have enough freezer meals prepped (I'm always cooking extras and freezing anyway because our food allergies make convenience foods impossible, but I make sure I'm stocked).

1) We play outside for at least two hours, ideally with any friends I can convince to join us.

2) When we finish, we head home/inside and I throw the meal of the evening in the microwave or make sandwiches. Last night we had tuna sandwiches and carrots. Other nights we'll eat frozen fried rice, frozen meatloaf, pasta with frozen meatballs, or frozen homemade chicken nuggets. We'll also eat grilled chicken with rice a few times, but I cook those during the day and refrigerate so I just have to heat it up.

3) After dinner, anyone needing baths/showers does that. When finished, we dress for bed and do a quick pick up of the house. Then, we have a bit of fruit as a dessert. We don't do desserts in general in our family, but I find the bribery worthwhile when I'm on my own.

4) By now, it's between 6 and 6:30, about an hour earlier than a "normal" night. We brush teeth and, on a good night, I start reading aloud. On a bad night (read, I'm losing it), I turn on the electronic babysitter. Kids can play quietly if they are quiet.

5) At 7, all lights in the house go out. If I don't turn out the lights, everyone wanders around instead of calming. I lie down with middle son until he falls asleep (usually 15 minutes). Youngest plays in the dark in the hall with his toys (this is his routine when DH is here too. He needs less sleep than his older brothers). Oldest takes his audiobook to his room to listen and fall asleep (unless he's feeling sneaky :-). When middle is asleep, I clean up the kitchen in the dark, then I read in the darkness for a while outside of youngest's room, or listen to an audiobook, so I don't fall asleep waiting for youngest to get tired. He finally starts to feel sleepy around 9, so I tuck him in, maybe lay with him, maybe not. Then, I make lunches, prep for the morning, and head to bed. Youngest is up by 5:30/6, so I have to get to bed pretty quickly or the morning is rough. Also, my younger two still don't sleep through the night, so again, I need to get to bed.

 

I used to try to find "alone" time in the evenings when DH was traveling, but I learned that my best option for survival was to get as much sleep as possible, so now I go to bed as early as usual. It really makes a difference in how well I handle the kids and life when DH is gone. Hugs and good luck!

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This is my parenting Achille's heel.  I'm pretty much toast at 5:00 pm (and was in my pre-child life as well).  Add in the chaos of prepping dinner, juggling schedules, and handling end-of-day toddler emotions, and I feel like I've been hit my a train most evenings.  Best advice from moms who have btdt (or are in the middle) with several littles and no bigs or DH to lend a hand in the evening?

 

I think my biggest problem these days is the baby wild card.  His napping schedule isn't entirely predictable, so sometimes he needs to be in bed as early as 5:30; other times it's 6:00-6:15.  My "big" kids are in bed by 7.  So much easier when everyone was in bed at the same time!

 

Give me your best survival tips!  Or just commiseration is welcome, too.

 

I live my life around the napping schedule.  And when I screw it up, I vow to never let it happen again.  I will take a nap WITH a child before I want them to skip it.  I will wake them up earlier so that nap happens.  And I try hard to make sure they are awake before 4:00 so that it doesn't screw up bedtime.  It might be a little control freakish but it is MY survival.  Our babies are now almost 3 and almost 4.  The 3 yo is a dependable napper and the almost 4yo is learning to read.  I am trying to imagine the day when I have no nappers and everyone snuggles in for two hours of blissful silence and books.  I have fought valiantly to retain naps in this house for 20+ years, lol.  And I prevailed almost always. :P :D

 

I also don't do evening routines well.  If I cook I am pretty much done for the night.  And I know this about myself.  And for a while I beat myself up over not being energetic like the "good 'ol days" but you know what?  It's okay and permissible for me to want to sit on my bottom at night.

 

So, unless something BIG is going on immediately the next morning, it is a RARE thing for me to do evening baths.  And why would I?  We homeschool.   I can totally bathe kids at 10 AM and it will be okay.  

 

We don't do bedtimes that early, but we do do 8:00 prayers, reading, tuck-ins and mostly because my DH is FRIED at night too.  He is more of an introvert and I'm an extrovert.  I am less fried when I've been out interacting with adults. However, he has had to go into the wide world and interact and speak with humans all day.  That wears him out.  We BOTH want to be OFF at night.  That's okay too.  And if you don't want to read, a bucket of legos and an audiobook is acceptable.  Doing dishes (GASP) in the AM instead of the PM if you don't have teens and tweens to clean the kitchen is also FINE.  No one will die.  It's not fun to wake up to dishes but sometimes it's a routine that works for a season.  Because I also want to respect that HE is just done for the night too, kwim?  And yet the kids must be kept alive....... ;)

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Our evenings have always gone smoother when dh is gone.  I think it's because I stick to the schedule tighter.  

 

I agree with serving dinner very early.  I had one kid that didn't really do well with leaving the house after naptime (and he napped until 4), so that was 4 years that I was home at 1pm for the rest of the evening.  Often, we'd do snack adn bath right after naptime, especially on rainy or cold days when we weren't going outside.  He loved "play baths" where he could be in there for an hour or more.  This was helpful the years that it was 2 and newborn, as well as 3 and 1.

 

We differentiate in our house between "play baths" and "shower for effeciency."  On a night when I just need to get them in and out, I do showers.  They've transitioned to that by about age 2 or so.  

 

I serve dinner at 6pm.  If dh is here, great.  If not, then he eats later.  I sometimes eat with the kids, sometimes wait on dh.  Even now (my kids are 10, 8, 6, and 4), he misses dinner about 3-4 nights a week.  We've gone through seasons where he eats breakfast with them.  Right now, he's missing both breakfast and dinner, but when he is home, he is intensely home, and if he has extra work, he does it after they go to bed on weeknights or goes in like 5-10am on Saturdays.  He isn't usually distracted when he is with them, and in some ways, that makes him a better parent than me.

 

Last year, we were able to add weeknight sports practices (my biggest kid had gotten better about afternoon activities, and he really wanted that).  So, now, when dh travels, it's a whirlwind of practices, dinner, showers, and bed.  But all that energy and going places is actually a lot more energy giving than sitting at home.  Go figure.

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Oh, and for a season I had a baby that went to bed at 5:30.  I put on a TV show for my other kids (who were 2, 4, and 6) to make that happen.  I *think* (it was a blur) that I might have restricted TV for the rest of the day so that that 30 minute show was very, very entertaining,and they would sit for it more reliably.  If I didn't, I probably should have.  :)

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I second the suggestions about snack & caffeine in the mid-afternoon.  Or at least think about whether that would help you.  I have low blood sugar, I think, so there are certain times of day I HAVE to eat or it will be very, very difficult to be rational, and therefore civil.  

 

Just figure out what works for you, to keep everyone (including you), relatively healthy and sane.   ;)  What's most importnant to you and DH, what do your kids seem to need to keep their own keels even, etc.  Mine went through spells where after an hour of errands, they'd meltdown.  Other spells it was too many days of errands.  Whatever works is whatever works.  as they grow that changes, and I expect more, but 3 or 4 and under?  Their world is huge, and ours is small.  It's ok.   :)

 

Something I did was use confinement when necessary.  Bouncy seat in the kitchen doorway, playpen while I bathed toddlers, infant carrier while I showered, etc.  Yes to videos and infrequent baths, yes to a less than clean house, yes to a sink full of dirty dishes.

 

Also, 4-year-olds can totally put socks in dryers, washers, or hampers and wipe down chairs or benches.  As long as you are ok with imperfectly-done jobs, they can do little things like that, and will even like it if they receive a little happy dance from Mommy afterward.  Even now, things are folded inside out, but they weren't folded by me and they aren't my clothes, so I think I'll survive.   :D  Delegating is one way I've kept from having the evening burn out to begin with.  And for many years, nightly hot soaks for me after bedtime, when DH was home and settled and could field any post tuck-in issues.

 

Favorite poem ever.  Typically I'm a Robert Frost and Paul Simon kinda gal, but this gets me every time:

 

Song for a Fifth Child by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton (1921- )

 

Mother, oh mother, come shake out your cloth!
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby, loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(Lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo.)

Oh, cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust, go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby. Babies don't keep.

 

Edited by CES2005
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Paper plates and napkins until you have older kids to help with dinner clean-up chores or DH can help. Kids can throw their paper plate 2nd napkin away and put their own cup and silverware in the dishwasher pretty young. They can set the table while you are cooking too. Do dishes as you go cooking dinner and afterwards soak the remaining dinner dishes for DH to do when he gets home if he doesn't mind while you take a bath or whatever or you can go back and do them after the kid's bedtime or in the morning.

Edited by ifIonlyhadabrain
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