Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 I'd be fine with once. At their house? Or at a park? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) It really isn't that odd a request. I'm pretty lax about who my kids hang out with -- but I wouldn't allow my children to go home with adults I didn't know. Sorry. Edited February 10, 2017 by AimeeM 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 At their house? Or at a park? Ideally at their house. couple of hours and I think I'd be good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) But it kind of is what your dd would be doing, if she went over to this family's house. And it's what this girl would be doing at your house. She'd be dealing with you, your other kids, your pets, your mil, fil, bil, nephew, neighbour, etc., etc., Anyone and everyone who pops into your house. I do want to know the family and house situation of the place I let my very young children go to. Even my older children. Not really? I mean, the kids are friends with each other. All of those other people are background noise. Edited February 10, 2017 by Barb_ 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexigail Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I don't want to be alarmist here and I'm a fairly laid back parent in general but someone close to me suffered serious abuse as a child due to "unvetted" playdates. I'm not saying this mom's approach is good or bad, bit I'm very careful about my kids going to someone's house alone and I'm also pretty open about it with other parents. I agree that the vast majority of people are safe, but things do happen and getting to know families my kids will spend time with seems smart to me, not annoying. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Unfortunately, if she is anything like a great many of DD's friend's families, the answer is Yes. I've had many parents tell me, "We don't let our children go anywhere without us". That seems to be more the norm. It means that it is hard to schedule playdates with these people. Also, just asking seems to put us in the negligent parent category in their eyes. As I'm talking it through I'm thinking you may have hit the nail on the head here. It may be that our parenting styles are too much of a mismatch and I need to let this one go. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 It is so different than how I grew up. Moms would write notes giving permission to go home on the bus with other kids and kids would go to houses their parents had never seen before and wouldn't until they showed up to retrieve the kid after dinner. It was common. My mom didn't even have a car so if I wanted to go home early I couldn't call her and get picked up. I had to wait until Dad got home from work. I do remember my mom getting offended and annoyed that an overprotective mom wanted to talk on the phone before sending her kid over. It was just not common. I'm in the next stage of this with teens. My near 17 yo wants to take a girl for an ice cream but I need to meet the parents. What?!?!?!?! I understand the parents meeting my ds but me? It's ice cream. I do not enjoy the vetting by parents of girls my ds has an initial interest in. It isn't like we are taking her on vacation or something. Yeah it was very different for me too. But ya know what? Parents would do stuff like say sure you can come over. Oh your mom wants to know if I said it's ok and if I'll be here? So she'd say yes to my mother on both points and then I'd be there and the parent would not. Many many times friend's parents lied to my parents. I have no idea why, but they did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) I don't want to be alarmist here and I'm a fairly laid back parent in general but someone close to me suffered serious abuse as a child due to "unvetted" playdates. I'm not saying this mom's approach is good or bad, bit I'm very careful about my kids going to someone's house alone and I'm also pretty open about it with other parents. I agree that the vast majority of people are safe, but things do happen and getting to know families my kids will spend time with seems smart to me, not annoying. It's terrible and I know these things happen, but they are just as likely to happen with someone you've met and know well. I feel like meeting people does little outside of creating a false sense of security Edited February 10, 2017 by Barb_ 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I have found that as I had teens and younger kids, parents were less willing for their kids to come to my house. Like they were afraid of my older kids. My youngest ended up going to other people's houses, but rarely had friends over. I admit, after this happened a few times, I was seriously annoyed. What did they think teens did? Mine went with their friends to the basement to play video games. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I talk to the trees Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to protect one's young child. I also think it is refreshing to find someone who is honest about her intentions, and doesn't lie, put off answering your invitation, or come up with some silly cover-up reason for not just dropping her child off. Honesty is a good thing! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Not really? I mean, the kids are friends with each other. All of those other people are background noise. How do you know that these people are simply staying in the background? I guess if you are going to be inflexible, this family is not interested. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 It's terrible and I know these things happen, but they are just as likely to happen with someone you've met and know well. I feel like meeting people does little outside of creating a false sense of security No, I do not believe this. The families I know well I have seen act in a trustworthy fashion in many different situations over several years. There is a lot less chance of them suddenly acting out of character than a stranger I just met. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alexigail Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I feel like meeting people does little outside of creating a false sense of security Do you mean meeting people at all, or getting to know people? You can tell a lot about a person by meeting them before setting up a playdate. Maybe we are just going to disagree on that one. I agree that a lot of people are abused by those they know and trust. However, due to some experiences I've had, there are things that stand out to me and those instincts have served me well. I think kids should be free to explore the world and try things, make friends etc. I just don't think that this mom is being unreasonable. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 It's terrible and I know these things happen, but they are just as likely to happen with someone you've met and know well. I feel like meeting people does little outside of creating a false sense of security It's not perfect. But then I don't need perfection either. I met with a mother once. She invited me for lunch. She screamed at her kid constantly for every piddly thing. When her kid was mean to my kid right in front of us she did nothing. So it didn't take long to realize this person is not someone I trust with my kid. Now she could have been nicer than Mary Poppins and a sadistic weirdo. Sure. What can ya do? You work with what you have to work with. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 But the mom made it clear that her daughter is not allowed to go over to her new friend's house unless the mom gets to know Barb better. What other reason could she have than not trusting her? Is the friendship with the daughter contingent on the parents being close friends? I'm not sure what else could possibly be implied here than Barb is not trusted. Well, I can tell you why I won't let one of my kids go over to other people's houses that I have only met once, outside of their house, and it's not because I'm an overprotective American snit. One f my kids has TERRIBLE impulse control, and the ADD to prove it. He once went to someone's house with his brother...and I had known this person for a long time, but never been on her terf, as it were. He said something that he thought was innocuous and she took it as a condemnation of something about her, personally. She grabbed him by the shoulders, shook him and told him to stop being a brat. He literally doesn't understand how his train of thought speeches affect others. And **I** expect grown ass women to A-- not be so deeply affected by what little kids say and B--even if they are, to keep their paws off my kids regardless. So unless I get a feel for someone's tolerance of what is typical for my kid...and can openly discuss it with them like as a heads up, DS just says whatever pops into his mouth, we are working on it....and trust that they won't gran my smegging kids out of anger!! then no, the can't go over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I'm in the next stage of this with teens. My near 17 yo wants to take a girl for an ice cream but I need to meet the parents. What?!?!?!?! I understand the parents meeting my ds but me? It's ice cream. I do not enjoy the vetting by parents of girls my ds has an initial interest in. It isn't like we are taking her on vacation or something. I do NOT do this. I feel like it's my duty in society not to enable or validate this kind of insanity. 1. Don't assume my 16yo son is a dangerous person from an organized crime family. 2. Don't treat your daughter like she can't meet a boy for ice cream without parental approval and a chaperone. This is the USA, 2017. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Guys. Those of you who disagree. How much time do you want to spend with someone before your defenses go down? What do you feel like you are learning when you check someone out? Very little. An hour. I just have to be able to see that little things that pop up don't ruffle their feathers. If a kid is at my house and dumps the lego bin, I just clean it up later. I've found through hard experience that some people, instead, get angry and then also never let me hear the end of it..."remember when your DS dumped all our legos? I bet you have your hands full with that one..." every time we run into each other. Sometimes my kids just scream bloody murder out of excitement. At home I just remind them where we are. But some OTHER people absolutely lose their business. I have SPD, I get it. It sucks to hear screams. A lot of suck there. But they are kids! Take a chill pill. ----------------- I think a lot of people underestimate how onerous the reactions of adults to kids that are on the spectrum, or add, or shy or anything other than exactly like their own kids can be. That's all I'm saying. "Safety" is the least of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 We live in a small town where even if we didn't know the actual person, we'd know of the family, or if not, I'd have a friend who knows the family who I could ask. So, I guess I never really ran into that situation! I also think I'm good at reading people, and would probably have some instinct for whether I trusted the family with my child or not. But if I really didn't know, then a play date where both moms were there would be reasonable. That being said, I think it's very odd that the mother would say that directly to your daughter! I would have been taken aback too. That just seems very socially -- weird to me! It seems like the polite response would have been for her to say, "Oh, what a nice invitation! Why don't you have your mom give me a call and we can work something out!" And then when making that initial plan, I'd just say something like, "I thought it would be fun if all four of us could get together the first time, if that's okay with you! Would you like to meet at a park? Or come over here, perhaps?" I prefer to be friendly and give people the benefit of the doubt (I mean, as long as my instinct feels good about it all) while still being cautious if necessary. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 As I'm talking it through I'm thinking you may have hit the nail on the head here. It may be that our parenting styles are too much of a mismatch and I need to let this one go. This is probably true. I don't quite get the 'I need to get to know you first' thing especially if that involves one visit together. I mean, if you had nefarious intentions you'd just be on your best behavior then, right? And that doesn't reveal whether your husband is a weirdo or you have teens who are allowed to engage in vulgar talk or make out with boyfriends even though there are younger kids around. We were pretty laid back- we 'knew' who the parents were but sure didn't really know them. Like, we knew their names and where they lived. When our kids went to a new friend's house we had a pretty standard blurb- she's afraid of dogs and thunderstorms. Let her know the house rules and call us if there is a problem. And the same for the kids- hey, it's a new friend. If you are uncomfortable or anything, give us a call. Barb, I'm thinking that the mom is just more cautious than you are. I guess neither is wrong, but it does feel like she was trying to vet you and I would have bristled also. I was raised very free range and our kids were raised somewhat free range but our grands are noticeably more monitored and scheduled when it comes to friends. I'm kind of sad about that. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Alright, I'm going to chalk this up to cultural mismatch. I'll give this mom my contact info and if she calls, fine. Otherwise I can tell my daughter honestly that I have no way to contact her. If she wants to ask questions or drop by I'm ok with that even though I feel like it's a little silly. But thats fine. I draw the line at lunch or dinner or parks or hosting the whole family for a play date because I've no time not energy for that. Thanks to those of you who helped me think it through. I'm abandoning the thread now :) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Wanting to get to know you before sending her kid to your house is perfectly rational. I can't imagine being offended at that. Invite them both over. Who sends a younger child alone to someone's house without knowing anything about that family? I think that's odd. Teens, maybe, but not young children. You may be the nicest person/family in the world. But they don't know you. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I would email the teacher and ask if there is a directory you can have despite the late entry, and call the mother myself. I wouldn't expect children to communicate anything accurately. I would ask if both parents can meet for a play date at any place the other mother feels comfortable with - our home, your home, the park if the weather is nice, Chick Fil A if it's not (that's not a comment on their corporate ethics, only that they routinely clean their play equipment so it's the only indoor play place I routinely take children). Ask her to bring her other kids if she'd like - because otherwise it's too much of an inconvenience. I don't think taking the time to get to know someone before letting a young, possibly timid child go to their home without you is a bad idea. I know several families that don't allow things like playdates without parents or sleepovers at all because their child is the timid type that wouldn't scream and stand up for themselves if someone were abusing them. Plus, you don't know what sort of history with abuse this family has. They may have a very good reason for acting this way. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I could see two eight year olds planning something, getting excited about it, then popping it on the one mom who's there. She's got another kid saying "Oh, it's okay with my mom! She will drive us home!" and she says "Well, sweetie, I don't even know your mom to double check that it's really okay with her." She could think the kids cooked it up on their own and you have no idea. She sends her name, not knowing that you don't have a directory. Then she checks her directory and you aren't in it. Anyway, I don't think it's odd to not send your kid home with a family you don't know at all, not even knowing if there's really an invite. If you send your contact info to her, the ball is in her court. :) 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
school17777 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 This reminds me of the time when my ds was 14 or 15 and was assigned a group project for his math class to take pictures of something and describe it's features/shapes. The intention was that it was local. His group decided they wanted a picture of something that was a 5 hour round trip. One of the girls in the group said her parents would drive. I told ds that they either needed to make the project local or I need to meet with or at least speak with the girl's parents before this trip. Ds wanted to know why and I said because we didn't know them and I wasn't going to let me ds ride with people who could be alcoholics or something or anything. I don't remember what exactly I said but that was the jist that ds came away with. So, he told the group that he couldn't go because the girl's parents might be alcoholics. (Eyeroll). Then, he never mentioned it again and I assumed they changed to it something local since he never gave me the parent's phone number. Then, early one Sat morning, I was still in bed and dh happened to be outside doing yardwork already, and ds was still in bed, the girl and her parents pull up to pick up ds to take him on the trip. None of the other kids could go. Ds came into my room and asked what to do, I didn't know at that point they were right there (because I was awoken from a sound sleep) and I said that I would need to me them. Not sure why dh didn't handle the situation since he was awake and outside with them. So, they left without ds. I later found out that one of friend's knew the family and she said I would haven't had a problem letting ds go with them, but she was surprised too that they would think they could take the group of kids that far without talking to all the parents, so she didn't think I did anything wrong. If I had been awake and met the parents that morning, I probably would have let ds go with them. Still don't understand why dh passed that decision onto me when he was right there and I was sound asleep. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 We live in a small town where even if we didn't know the actual person, we'd know of the family, or if not, I'd have a friend who knows the family who I could ask. So, I guess I never really ran into that situation! I also think I'm good at reading people, and would probably have some instinct for whether I trusted the family with my child or not. But if I really didn't know, then a play date where both moms were there would be reasonable. That being said, I think it's very odd that the mother would say that directly to your daughter! I would have been taken aback too. That just seems very socially -- weird to me! It seems like the polite response would have been for her to say, "Oh, what a nice invitation! Why don't you have your mom give me a call and we can work something out!" And then when making that initial plan, I'd just say something like, "I thought it would be fun if all four of us could get together the first time, if that's okay with you! Would you like to meet at a park? Or come over here, perhaps?" I prefer to be friendly and give people the benefit of the doubt (I mean, as long as my instinct feels good about it all) while still being cautious if necessary. Bleh, that is the kid equivalent to adults who say "we should get together sometime" when they mean "I'm getting rid of you with a polite lie". Be honest with kids. They are just people. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I think the public school playdate culture is a little different from the homeschool playdate culture. I'm with you and Farrar on this. If she has specific question (which I can understand, I've asked those question) than that makes sense and she can give you a call. But it was a weird comment to make to a kid. "I'll call your mom and we can discuss it" would make more sense to me. My oldest was in public school and it wasn't at all uncommon for her to go home with friends afterschool starting around 7 or 8 years old (maybe even younger if we had known them for a while). 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I agree that usually when the play date is someone new the parents will pop in for a minute to get a lay of the land. If they are comfortable leaving then they do, if not they stay. Usually by about 7 yo most parents leave. I also think many more parents are hesitant about people driving their child in car than hosting them alone in their home. I am MUCH more hesitant about other people driving my kid in their car, definitely. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I really don't get that apparently an hour is enough time for people. They already spent a few hours at a small social gathering chatting. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 The mom told my daughter that sounds nice, but she needs to get to know me better before she'll let her daughter come to my house ? It sounds like she said it very nicely. Your hostility regarding a perfectly reasonable request seems strange to me. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JudoMom Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 But the mom made it clear that her daughter is not allowed to go over to her new friend's house unless the mom gets to know Barb better. What other reason could she have than not trusting her? Is the friendship with the daughter contingent on the parents being close friends? I'm not sure what else could possibly be implied here than Barb is not trusted. Maybe her daughter didn't pick up on that implication (I hope not). And maybe the mother misspoke and really just meant she has a set of questions she likes to go over (are there guns in the house, is there an unfenced pool, what's your screen rules, etc.). That's due diligence. The implication is that she doesn't know if she can trust Barb or not. She might hang out with Barb for an hour and decide she can trust her. Or she might hang out with Barb and decide she can't. If she didn't trust Barb, she would've said no to the whole deal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I like about 3 occurances of something more co-operative before it feels good to send a child in solo -- but it varies, sometimes I feel more hesitant, other times a sense of openness develops more quickly. What I'm looking for is whether the play experience and/or environment is healthy and beneficial for my child. All social play and friendship building activities are inherently "beneficial" because social activities are critical to a child's development -- unless they have drawbacks. So (other than danger) I guess I'm looking for a "lack of too many drawbacks". A sample list - Is the parent generally both kind and competent (not frequently unkind, and not seriously low on competence)? - Do the children do well together, or do they maybe 'get into a bad space' with their play more often than I would like? - Do older sibblings tease them? Does anything scare, upset or intimidate them? - Does the playmate or parent encourage mostly play that isn't my favorite (ie. barbies, spooky freaking out, massive amounts of screen time) or behavior that isn't what I like to see (ie. tease the cat, exclude or bully others, gorge of junk food)? This might indicate a mis-match of the "minor values" of patenting philosophy. None of those are really deal breakers -- just drawbacks that I might consider (in comparison with the *obvious* benefits of true friendship) as I evaluate what role I want this friend to have in my child's life. If it's an awesome match, I'm going to put in more effort to encourage and facilitate things. If it's not grand, I'm not going to put in a lot of effort unless my child is really enthusiastic. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paige Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Now that my kids are older, I'm more relaxed about letting them spend time with people I don't know, but what I do has no bearing on what other families do. I don't think it is an unusual position for parents of 8yr olds to take. I don't think that asking a relative stranger questions is likely to make any difference- who is going to admit to being a child molester, having dangerous dogs, a creepy older child or relative living in the house, or loaded guns laying around to another relative stranger? Asking questions leads to false security. The only defense we have is to get to know the other family long enough to know what they are like, develop a gut feeling, and see them interact with my children and their own in person. I'm sort of lazy and take my chances because spending the time getting to know all of my kids' friends' families would take too long. But, I understand I am taking a risk and don't judge someone else whose cost/benefit analysis comes out differently. We don't know anything about this other family. Perhaps someone in the family has had a bad experience that is making the mom more cautious. Perhaps there is a special need or special circumstances that the mother doesn't feel like disclosing yet. Perhaps lots of reasons. I would not be offended at all, but if I didn't have time or the inclination to get to know the mom better, I'd just tell DD that the playdate is not going to happen. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Not really offended. Annoyed maybe? Lol. As Farrar said upthread, I don't want to befriend this family. I have a TON going on and don't have the time or mental space to host a whole family at my house so my daughter can have a play date. Maybe it means she won't get to host her friend, so I can live with that. But I think my perspective is equally valid. Maybe that's another thread. The vast majority of people are perfectly safe. See, here's the thing...you effectively have a lot of backup as a parent, because you have older kids. So this mom knows you a bit, but doesn't know how you would handle interactions between her kid and the entire mob, or even whether you would really be in charge, because she hasn't seen you in that environment, ever. Having a bigger family tends to change the dynamics a great deal. This is why typically play groups and social circles around here form with the oldest kids in each family, and then younger kids get added in as they come along, rather than getting their own play groups. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I really don't get that apparently an hour is enough time for people. They already spent a few hours at a small social gathering chatting. I have found to my great disappointment that people can be a lot worse in their own homes. I dunno. People have either had bad experiences to weigh with everything else when making decisions, or they have not. In the case of my son being grabbed, shaken, and called a brat, he didn't even tell me. He thought he'd be in trouble for making her mad. SHE told me. Months later. Phrased in sympathy for me, for having such a brat. :cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Bleh, that is the kid equivalent to adults who say "we should get together sometime" when they mean "I'm getting rid of you with a polite lie". Be honest with kids. They are just people. Well, I actually meant that response to be sincere, as in yes, I'm interested in this, but let's start out with the kids and the moms. It was not meant to tell them thanks, but no thanks. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 So (other than danger) I guess I'm looking for a "lack of too many drawbacks". A sample list - Is the parent generally both kind and competent (not frequently unkind, and not seriously low on competence)? - Do the children do well together, or do they maybe 'get into a bad space' with their play more often than I would like? - Do older sibblings tease them? Does anything scare, upset or intimidate them? - Does the playmate or parent encourage mostly play that isn't my favorite (ie. barbies, spooky freaking out, massive amounts of screen time) or behavior that isn't what I like to see (ie. tease the cat, exclude or bully others, gorge of junk food)? This might indicate a mis-match of the "minor values" of patenting philosophy. None of those are really deal breakers -- just drawbacks that I might consider (in comparison with the *obvious* benefits of true friendship) as I evaluate what role I want this friend to have in my child's life. If it's an awesome match, I'm going to put in more effort to encourage and facilitate things. If it's not grand, I'm not going to put in a lot of effort unless my child is really enthusiastic. Oh yeah the bolded I think we've had threads about this before...Like uhm, the one where the mom didn't want the friend on her phone. My kids can't do violent video games. it's just not OK for them, but from a very young age, they had friends who did. I have to feel comfortable enough with a parent to ask them not to let my kids play those games, and explain why. There's also always the possibility that one of the moms actually doesn't like the other mom, but is willing to give her the benefit of the doubt for an off-day, and try again, getting to know her better I mean, I personally would love to meet Barb and I've never chatted with her at a playground as far a I know (LOL), but ya never know. You just never know, period. Maybe she was having a weird day at the park day or something. Or the day she said that to Barb's daughter. Maybe she didn't mean it any kind of way and just said the first thing that popped into her head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I think it is a totally normal response and I wouldn't care if a mom said that to my kid. Not at all. I would not let my kid hang out with people I didn't know. Heck I don't think I would let my teen do that either. Don't you want to know who they are hanging out with, or dating? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scrapbookbuzz Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 They are 8. The remarks were made to my daughter. They've been in class together since October. I still don't see anything wrong with what the mom said. So they've been in class together since October. That doesn't give you or the other mom any insight to each other's home environment. Granted, when I was growing up in a small town in the Midwest, this probably wasn't a huge deal and after having an hour long chat with another mom, our moms were probably comfortable sending us to one another's houses. Where I live now, in a big city with over a million people in population, that would NOT be happening. There could be something in the other mom's background/history that affects her making a decision like this. It is not an affront to you. If you want your girls to develop a friendship, why would you not be willing to invest some time in getting to know the other girl's mom? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Put me in the category of one who thinks that is a perfectly normaland acceptable thing to say. I would assume the other parent was also as cautious as I was and would not be offended at all. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Whoa, no way would I send my 8 year old alone to a house where I didn't know the parents. It's OK with me that this would be a non-issue to you, but I am shocked that you consider the mom's request to get to know you first rude. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Hm, a couple of days ago my son asked a friend in class if he wanted to come over sometime, and the kid said his mom would need to get to know us first. I wasn't offended at all. Our boys have spent a good amount of time together, but she has no idea about my home environment (and we DO have a jumpy dog). My son gave him my cell # so maybe I will get a call. If not I will send a note with my son. "Feel free to call me, you're welcome to come hang out too, your son is sweet and my kid is excited to show him his games". Years ago I ran into a college friend at a yard sale. Turns out we lived close to each other and had kids the same age, and both homeschooled. I suggested we have a play date sometime and she said, "I think my kids have plenty of friends from our church." I thought that was rude! 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Not really offended. Annoyed maybe? Lol. As Farrar said upthread, I don't want to befriend this family. I have a TON going on and don't have the time or mental space to host a whole family at my house so my daughter can have a play date. Maybe it means she won't get to host her friend, so I can live with that. But I think my perspective is equally valid. Maybe that's another thread. The vast majority of people are perfectly safe. I respect your right to your opinion on this and you must do what you feel is correct for your DD and for your family. After my first reply, I remembered that there is another family we allowed DD to go to their house and their DD(s) came to our house. Neighbors that live 1 or 2 blocks from us. We are still neighbors and friends. The other family I referred to, we allowed to take our DD with them when they went places. Very different, to trust your DC to another family and you are not sure where your DC are... I would like to think that you are correct that "the vast majority of people are perfectly safe", but the percentage of those people is questionable. When I lived in TX, I had close friends who lived on the same street. At that time, they had 2 DD. Lets say they were 11 and 13 at that time. They played Soccer. I had been with them, once or twice, to the house of the Coach of the team. After they moved from TX to another state, they learned that the Coach was in Prison for Child Pornography. Things far worse than that happen. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 How much time would depend on the person and what type of activity I spent with them, and how well that activity allowed me to get to know them. Meeting someone once would not be enough for me to turn my kid over to them because I still likely wouldn't know if there are guns in the home, a sex offender nearby, inappropriate content on the TV, or whatever. That stuff just takes time to discern and I just consider it a required investment in in my kids' social well being. But...I am opposite you in the extreme. My kids were never allowed overnights, ever, regardless of how well I know the parents. Now that my kids are older (12 and 14) and have developed what I consider to be their own good judgement about situations, I'm comfortable with their ability to discern trouble or something off and handle it appropriately. So my vetting has decreased (but still has not disappeared). I still won't allow my 14 year old to go to the home of someone I don't know at least casually because I have faith in my sixth sense in picking up on thing that are radically off. Maybe this has something to do with how well you trust your own ability to sense trouble or to pick up on things that are radically off. Guys. Those of you who disagree. How much time do you want to spend with someone before your defenses go down? What do you feel like you are learning when you check someone out? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I do vet parents. If I am really not sure about the kid or the mom, I suggest we meet in a neutral place like a park. This has saved us a few times from some really out there parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Years ago I ran into a college friend at a yard sale. Turns out we lived close to each other and had kids the same age, and both homeschooled. I suggested we have a play date sometime and she said, "I think my kids have plenty of friends from our church." I thought that was rude! Oh man. That warrants the same response Louis CK gave his daughter (in a joke) when she insisted Fig Newtons are called Pig Newtons: "Yeah, ok, we'll see how far you get in life with ***t like that coming out of your mouth." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Squawky Acres Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I'm a little bit late to the discussion, but I don't think the other mom was unreasonable -- just not very tactful. When I invite kids for playdates, I always call directly and tell the Mom that she is welcome to come and hang out (and bring any younger siblings), she can drop her child off, or have the child take the bus. Whichever she would prefer. One mother I had not met before, handled the "vetting" issue beautifully. She explained that she would come over with her daughter this time, as her daughter might be nervous coming to a new place -- but that after that, she was sure her daughter would feel comfortable just taking the bus here. But sometimes funny things happen. One mother, when given all of these options, opted to have the invited friend AND her younger siblings all take the bus to my house -- without her! She asked first, and it was fine, as I had plenty of younger children to play with the siblings. I was glad she felt so comfortable. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I understand the feeling that the comment was impolite, but it is pretty common nowadays. I guess you could say it is "common knowledge" nowadays (though I don't personally feel that way). Possibly the mom forgot that she already met you. I would just try to arrange a time when you can invite the mom *and* the daughter together, have coffee, and chat while the kids play. No biggie. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Supertechmom Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I do NOT do this. I feel like it's my duty in society not to enable or validate this kind of insanity. 1. Don't assume my 16yo son is a dangerous person from an organized crime family. 2. Don't treat your daughter like she can't meet a boy for ice cream without parental approval and a chaperone. This is the USA, 2017. I agree with you TIbbie!! I will not be vetted by my teenage son's possible girlfriend's parents. I honestly tell my boys that any girls' parents that need to meet me before letting her go out is not worth the trouble! Move on! Their style of life is very very very much not compatible with ours. Save yourself the headache. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendyroo Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Possibly the mom forgot that she already met you. This is what I am wondering. I have been to plenty of park days when I was chatting with another mom and we did the whole "mine is the one in the blue jacket", "mine are the two throwing grass at each other" exchange. It is highly unlikely that if I then ran into one of those children in an unrelated setting that I would be able to connect them back to a particular mother, even if I chatted with her for an hour. Wendy 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) There is also something to the idea that some moms are reluctant to jump right in, because it might mean a lot more involvement down the road. To be honest, I have always dreaded playdate invites. I am not the kind of mom whose home is always ready to open to other families. I work long and odd hours, my kids are in all kinds of activities, I live with my co-workers, my house is full of Hindu and Buddhist religious objects LOL, we've had skunks and other critters in the basement at times [hopefully that problem is solved], and I don't have time to keep the place spic and span all the time. For years I told my kids to tell their friends that we couldn't have playdates because our house was in disrepair / being repaired. And I told them that we couldn't accept playdate invites because it wouldn't be right since we couldn't reciprocate. (Now that our house has been remodeled, we've had a few playdates.) There is a girl at school whose mom seems not to trust me. I just chuckle. My kids have come home and told me things that friend has said to them which were not age-appropriate. I asked where they got that, and they said it came from that friend's older brothers. So yeah, that makes me wonder about sending my kids there to play, not that they've been invited, LOL. That family is very religious and preaches the whole traditional family is necessary bla bla bla. I think the mom would faint if she came here and saw how we live. :p Well now that they are in 5th grade, there are so many social opportunities through the school / church, I see no need to look for additional ones. (I realize this does not help the OP at all....) I have allowed my kids to go visit homes they could walk to without my accompanying them, as soon as they were big enough and brave enough to walk there. (Certainly by 8yo.) I ask them to bring home the parents' contact info the first time they go, in case I need to contact them in the future. Then I can check with them, e.g., is this a good time for my kids to come, and also, if they forget to send the kids home on time I can nudge them. I personally feel that as long as I know where my kids are and they are big enough to articulate any fears or concerns, we are good. Edited February 10, 2017 by SKL 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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