Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 My 8yo is in school for the year and it's been a rocky transition at times friend wise. Dd doesn't really understand the flaky best friends one day, don't play with me the next behavior that 7 and 8yos are famous for. She spends a couple of recesses a week sitting on a bench with no one to play with. This week she seems to have befriended A sweet, quiet girl in her class. This family is also a family of former homeschoolers. I met her mom back in November at a classroom park day and we spoke on and off for a couple of hours. She seems nice. The girl in Keira's class is this mom's oldest of 3 or 4 kids. I told Keira to to try and get this mom's contact information and I would set up a play date after school Monday for a couple of hours. I said that I could bring her friend home with us to play. Luckily the mom is usually around during lunchtime each day, so Keira and her friend asked the friends mom if they could get together after school one day. The mom told my daughter that sounds nice, but she needs to get to know me better before she'll let her daughter come to my house alone. Do people not understand that this isn't a nice thing to say? How do I respond? I have no desire to sit at the park for two hours with this child's entire family to make her mom feel more comfortable with me. I'm not thrilled with the idea of being vetted. I'm also unsure what she thinks she will learn by spending more park time with me. I don't want to alienate this family for my daughter' sake, but I'm also not interested in trying to sell myself to this child's mother. Is there a way to politely volley this ball back in her court? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post moonsong Posted February 10, 2017 Popular Post Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) Im sorry. Gently though, I wouldn't let my child play unsupervised at someones house I hardly knew. Although I agree with you that you can't get to know someone by hanging out with them for a few hours. You know your safe but this other mother doesn't know you. Edited February 10, 2017 by moonsong 77 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I ......... think it's entirely reasonable to not send your 6 year old to a complete strangers house unsupervised for hours? Is that weird? I don't know if you have a gun lying around or a jumpy dog or worse. I stick around on my 6 year old playdates, except for close family friends. 32 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 How is this not nice? I feel the same. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) Actually, it sounds fine to me. Before letting your child go home with a stranger to play for a couple hours, you need to know a bit more about them than what was garnered in a park day months earlier. Does this family have large dogs or guns or live next door to someone with those? Are tvs on with unsuitable shows that an older teen is watching? etc. etc. etc. That other mom knows next to nothing about you and your household, so invite them both over for the first play-date. Then the mom will feel comfortable. After all, would you just blithely allow your daughter to go over to the other mom's house after school without knowing more about her etc.? You know YOU are nice and your home is safe - but to the other mom you and your household are huge unknowns. Edited February 10, 2017 by JFSinIL 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Well, I don't *say* those things... But I definitely do plenty of 'together with the parent' activities before I approve of my child going alone to a friends house. I didn't really think of it as 'vetting' or 'selling'. It seems like the natural progression of a child's friendship (from double-supervision to either-supervision over the course of 3 or so meetings). I'm surprised that it's offensive. I'll need to try to be more tactful. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 You can't believe how flakey some people are too. I once thought I'd be a little less control freak about this (I don't think it's control freak, but anyway) I basically just talked to the parent on the phone beforehand. I asked that my kid be sent home at 9:30 pm. My kid was young too, but they were planning to watch a long movie. This was someone in the neighborhood. So 10 pm rolls around and my kid was not home. I sent my husband up to their house at 10:15. You know what their explanation was? They don't have a clock so they didn't know what time it was. I kid you not. Unfortunately, I did not let my kid go there anymore. I could have accepted we lost track of time or whatever. But they don't have a means by which to tell time? Good grief that is the weirdest thing I ever heard. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) They are 8. The remarks were made to my daughter. They've been in class together since October. Edited February 10, 2017 by Barb_ 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Well and to be fair Barb_ maybe it's because you have a lot of experience as a parent and you just don't worry so hard anymore about stuff. If she only has young kids, she probably feels very differently at this point than you do. I know I did when my kids were little and I didn't have years of experience. 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) I would take that as a "no" and say they could play at school. Just being realistic. I had this (not exactly the same but similar) happen with me this year with a 2nd grader. The child is also the oldest of several kids. The mom just seems clearly uncomfortable with a solo play date, and I think also likes her kids to play together after school. It came across like she just didn't want it to happen but didn't have a "good" reason. But really just not being interested is very fair. I roll my eyes bc I don't care for it, but I can see the other mom's side. When my oldest was the oldest of 3, we had a very tightly run routine, and I missed him while he was at school, and the little kids would be really excited when we went and got him. I was taking my kids to the park anyway. I did invite kids to come to the park with us after school (I pick up after school, mom picks up from park) a few times and that was my comfort level, but i didn't turn people down, just say "this would be more convenient for me." The rudest rebuff my son has gotten is "we just play with neighbors after school." It was hard on him bc there were my kids his age/gender near us, and a lot of parents just didn't want to bother with anything but walking around in their own neighborhood. Edited February 10, 2017 by Lecka 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Well and to be fair Barb_ maybe it's because you have a lot of experience as a parent and you just don't worry so hard anymore about stuff. If she only has young kids, she probably feels very differently at this point than you do. I know I did when my kids were little and I didn't have years of experience. Maybe. This is what I'm thinking. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Sorry, I missed the 'how to handle' -- maybe try 'DD and I could come to your place instead' or 'you (and your other kids would be welcome) could come and play with DD at a park instead of at my house'. Or even 'I could take DD and your DD to a public venue' might work for this stage of friendship. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 It's not a "not nice thing to say". This mom wants to protect her young child. It's normal to not want your child to go to strangers houses alone, so I'm don't understand your resistance. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Actually, it sounds fine to me. Before letting your child go home with a stranger to play for a couple hours, you need to know a bit more about them than what was garnered in a park day months earlier. Does this family have large dogs or guns or live next door to someone with those? Are tvs on with unsuitable shows that an older teen is watching? etc. etc. etc. That other mom knows next to nothing about you and your household, so invite them both over for the first play-date. Then the mom will feel comfortable. After all, would you just blithely allow your daughter to go over to the other mom's house after school without knowing more about her etc.? You know YOU are nice and your home is safe - but to the other mom you and your household are huge unknowns. I feel like these questions could be answered in a phone call. Does she want me to invite the entire family to my house? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I don't see anything wrong with what the mom said. It makes perfect sense that she would need to know you better before trusting you with her kid. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 It's not a "not nice thing to say". This mom wants to protect her young child. It's normal to not want your child to go to strangers houses alone, so I'm don't understand your resistance. It wasn't a nice thing to say to my daughter. Think it? Sure. But I think it wasn't nice to tell a child, "I don't trust your mom" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) I'm with you, Barb. You already met the mother and chatted with her in a group for a pretty long time. You're not an "unknown woman" as people keep calling you. Why does she need to get to know you better? You're not trying to be friends. And the kids aren't toddlers. She may have specific questions about your house rules. That seems a little different. But that's not getting to know you better. Then it would be more like, "Oh, that sounds nice. I would need to have a chat with your mom first though." ETA: But I'm also not surprised by the reaction on this thread. People are not very trusting. Edited February 10, 2017 by Farrar 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I don't know. Locally there was a story about a 12 year old who shot his friend. It was afterschool...nobody home...kids were playing with dad's gun that was in sock drawer. That story haunts me. I don't want my kids going to stranger's homes without having some sense of what kind of people they are. Maybe I would never be able to know that from meeting them a few times, but I'd still want to try. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Barb, I have found this to be rather common in this country, and it took me a while to wrap my mind around this different cultural norm. (Back home, of course 8 y/os would arrange their own play dates without parents checking up on each other.) 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I wouldn't let my child go to an unknown person's home. I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings, but a child's safety comes before someone else's feelings. Wasn't there just a thread about the "Polite Woman?" The fear of standing up for ourselves at the risk of offending someone? This is a prime example. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Well, I don't *say* those things... But I definitely do plenty of 'together with the parent' activities before I approve of my child going alone to a friends house. I didn't really think of it as 'vetting' or 'selling'. It seems like the natural progression of a child's friendship (from double-supervision to either-supervision over the course of 3 or so meetings). I'm surprised that it's offensive. I'll need to try to be more tactful. Thanks for understanding. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Yeah, I also don't see anything wrong with her wanting to know you before she sends her daughter to your house. Maybe she phrased it inelegantly, but, still, it's valid to want to know people a little before sending an 8-year-old alone to their house. I'd invite the mom and kid over sometime for coffee and playdate. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 I'm with you, Barb. You already met the mother and chatted with her in a group for a pretty long time. Why does she need to get to know you better? You're not trying to be friends. And the kids aren't toddlers. She may have specific questions about your house rules. That seems a little different. But that's not getting to know you better. Then it would be more like, "Oh, that sounds nice. I would need to have a chat with your mom first though." This, yes, thank you. So maybe I pretend I didn't hear about her remarks and let her call me. See how that goes. Seriously, I'm not sure what else she thinks she will learn about me. I don't plan to hang out with her family. I don't even have space in my life for my own friendships right now. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 It was uncouth to say it out loud to an 8 year old imo, but I agree with the general sentiment. If I were HER, I would have said, "I'd love to have you guys over sometime soon, give my number to your mom." If I were YOU, I'd invite mom and the girl over for an hour asap, and the next time ask something along the lines of "Is Jane free to be dropped off here tomorrow? DD wants to make cookies" or whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 It wasn't a nice thing to say to my daughter. Think it? Sure. But I think it wasn't nice to tell a child, "I don't trust your mom" But that's not what she said. She said "get to know you better." Eight year olds take words at face value, so unless you told K that the mom is saying she doesn't trust you, she is thinking "friends mom wants to get to know my mom better" because that is what was said. 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarah CB Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Well and to be fair Barb_ maybe it's because you have a lot of experience as a parent and you just don't worry so hard anymore about stuff. If she only has young kids, she probably feels very differently at this point than you do. I know I did when my kids were little and I didn't have years of experience. I think this is it. When my eldest was 8 I did this kind of thing a lot more. I knew almost all of dd's friends' parents - except for two girls who lived on our street. One family lived right behind us, so we did get to know the parents, somewhat. The other family lived on the end of the street and we chatted with the parents on Halloween nights (our street was pretty neighbourly for Halloween) but we didn't really know them and we still let dd go and play there. Maybe because it was within walking distance? I don't know. Having someone pick up my child from school and take them back to their place would have made me nervous back then. Now, however, my eldest is 21 and my youngest is 11. Youngest has slept over at people's houses who I've never met before. He'll be lucky if he makes it to 21 ;) 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) As someone who doesn't vet, I do things like go to the front door of the house and probably get invited in for a few minutes. That is how I get my idea. Usually I have met parents at a birthday party by this point in the school year, too, and feel comfortable from that. It is just the comfort level I have. I see how parents talk to their kids and things like that -- I feel comfortable from little things. That is just me, and I was not comfortable at first. I was worried more about my oldest's behavior though more than vetting other families. In pre-school while I was at someone's house and kids were playing, he sprayed cleaner of some kind on their couch because he thought it was Febreze. So I was mortified by that for a while and didn't want him unsupervised. The other thing is I have gotten bad impressions of people before and just choose to host. If this person doesn't want to host, she doesn't want to host. She could also know she doesn't want to reciprocate and so she is just not getting into it. I have known of that happening when people know they will not want (or be able to) reciprocate play dates, and that is very possible when there are a lot of little kids at home. The other child also might be a little shy as she is described as a shy child, and not be begging to go alone. Edited February 10, 2017 by Lecka 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Barb, I have found this to be rather common in this country, and it took me a while to wrap my mind around this different cultural norm. (Back home, of course 8 y/os would arrange their own play dates without parents checking up on each other.) Yes it's quite different than when I raised my oldest. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) As someone who doesn't vet, I do things like go to the front door of the house and probably get invited in for a few minutes. That is how I get my idea. Usually I have met parents at a birthday party by this point in the school year, too, and feel comfortable from that. It is just the comfort level I have. I see how parents talk to their kids and things like that -- I feel comfortable from little things. That is just me, and I was not comfortable at first. I was worried more about my oldest's behavior though more than vetting other families. In pre-school while I was at someone's house and kids were playing, he sprayed cleaner of some kind on their couch because he thought it was Febreze. So I was mortified by that for a while and didn't want him unsupervised. The other thing is I have gotten bad impressions of people before and just choose to host. If this person doesn't want to host, she doesn't want to host. She could also know she doesn't want to reciprocate and so she is just not getting into it. I have known of that happening when people know they will not want (or be able to) reciprocate play dates, and that is very possible when there are a lot of little kids at home. The other child also might be a little shy as she is described as a shy child, and not be begging to go alone. Hmm, maybe I'll offer to let her drop her little girl off for a couple of hours herself rather than picking her up at school. I was just trying to help her out because she has younger kids. Hosting other children isn't easy or desirable at this stage in my life, so I suppose I felt my hospitality had been rebuffed too. Edited February 10, 2017 by Barb_ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 @Barb_ Gently. I think the other mother is doing this correctly, to protect her DD. If you are offended by that, I think you should rethink this. I can honestly tell you that when my DD was very young, there was ONE family we knew, very well, that we trusted with her... The family of her best friend. Possibly, both families can spend some time together, so that they can get to know you and you them. and hopefully mutual trust will develop from that. I do not believe you should be offended, because the other parent is being cautious with her DD. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 But that's not what she said. She said "get to know you better." Eight year olds take words at face value, so unless you told K that the mom is saying she doesn't trust you, she is thinking "friends mom wants to get to know my mom better" because that is what was said. No, I didn't say that. But she was confused about it. "You guys already know each other!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 But that's not what she said. She said "get to know you better." Eight year olds take words at face value, so unless you told K that the mom is saying she doesn't trust you, she is thinking "friends mom wants to get to know my mom better" because that is what was said. But the mom made it clear that her daughter is not allowed to go over to her new friend's house unless the mom gets to know Barb better. What other reason could she have than not trusting her? Is the friendship with the daughter contingent on the parents being close friends? I'm not sure what else could possibly be implied here than Barb is not trusted. Maybe her daughter didn't pick up on that implication (I hope not). And maybe the mother misspoke and really just meant she has a set of questions she likes to go over (are there guns in the house, is there an unfenced pool, what's your screen rules, etc.). That's due diligence. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I feel like these questions could be answered in a phone call. Does she want me to invite the entire family to my house? Unfortunately, if she is anything like a great many of DD's friend's families, the answer is Yes. I've had many parents tell me, "We don't let our children go anywhere without us". That seems to be more the norm. It means that it is hard to schedule playdates with these people. Also, just asking seems to put us in the negligent parent category in their eyes. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I would feel the same Barb. The problem I have with it is that she shut down the conversation. She could have said something like, "how about if we all play at the park for our first playdates?" or, "let me have your phone number so I can talk to your mom about it", or whatever. Instead she effectively said no without saying no. If any of my kids express friend interest, I try hard to make it happen, so it is hard for me to understand people with other approaches. Plus, sad and confusing for your dd! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 :grouphug: I'm sorry that what she said was upsetting to you. Was your daughter actually upset or was she just unhappy that they couldn't immediately have a play date? I'm with others, I actually don't see it as a strange reaction, or rude from my perspective. I used to run into that quite often. I did a lot of play date inviting and got that reaction on a regular basis. Just the culture in today's day and age for a lot of people. DD was pretty blase about it. We had talked about the fact that until another parent actually knows us better they may not feel entirely comfortable with their child at our house. I do understand that even if I personally am a more relaxed parent. What I would do? Hmmm....depends on the circumstances. For parents that had expressed these concerns (to me or to DD) I normally used to have a play date at my house WITH the mom first, and if siblings had to come, too, I included them. Just the first time. Usually they could see once they had spent some time at my home that it was perfectly safe and future play dates at my house were fine, even spend the nights. Just took a bit of extra effort on my part. For one mom in particular, though, she was never comfortable and never allowed her child over to our home. We only met in public places and only for short periods. She was that way with everyone though so I didn't take it personally or anything. She just seemed a bit paranoid. Her child, her call. Anyway, I would try hard not to take this personally, try hard not to let your own feelings color those of your child (hard I know) and see if maybe you can work something out. Give them a chance to get to know you, maybe invite them over to your house for dinner sometime as a family or something. :grouphug: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 @Barb_ Gently. I think the other mother is doing this correctly, to protect her DD. If you are offended by that, I think you should rethink this. I can honestly tell you that when my DD was very young, there was ONE family we knew, very well, that we trusted with her... The family of her best friend. Possibly, both families can spend some time together, so that they can get to know you and you them. and hopefully mutual trust will develop from that. I do not believe you should be offended, because the other parent is being cautious with her DD. Not really offended. Annoyed maybe? Lol. As Farrar said upthread, I don't want to befriend this family. I have a TON going on and don't have the time or mental space to host a whole family at my house so my daughter can have a play date. Maybe it means she won't get to host her friend, so I can live with that. But I think my perspective is equally valid. Maybe that's another thread. The vast majority of people are perfectly safe. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 As far as her saying something to your 8yo, I could see myself saying something like that because my kids are prone to get an idea, run with it, and forget that maybe the adults might have some other idea. It would be more to slow down the excitement and plans just a little until I could be more comfortable--not to cast doubt in the child's mind over my opinions of their parents. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) I agree that a good possible option would be to invite her to drop off her child so she can see your home environment. That has also worked for me in the past. Edited February 10, 2017 by OneStepAtATime Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Thanks for the thoughts everyone. I'm probably just getting old, lol. I have some thoughts as to how to handle it, thanks. I just want my daughter to have a fun afternoon. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hjffkj Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Her request seems completely reasonable to me. I'm not a fan of letting my kids in strangers houses and I don't find it odd that she would say that to your dd. At 8, I'd expect a child to understand why a parent would be uncomfortable with their child in a strangers house. The girls being in school together for months doesn't mean anything. We don't choose who our kids are in class with. From that group of kids I imagine one house is likely to be unsafe unfortunately. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 As far as her saying something to your 8yo, I could see myself saying something like that because my kids are prone to get an idea, run with it, and forget that maybe the adults might have some other idea. It would be more to slow down the excitement and plans just a little until I could be more comfortable--not to cast doubt in the child's mind over my opinions of their parents. That's a good point--my 8yo can be...excitable. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 When my DD was that age, I would usually want to pop by briefly and meet parents and see that the home was safe (an extremely low bar in my book. No attack dogs or loaded guns laying about? We are good). If I had met a mom at a park day previously, such a thing could be a complied by dropping kid off for first playdate. After that I would probably be fine with the scenario you describe. DD is the sort of kid who will let us know if something bothers her and we have discussed safety and how to behave in the homes of others. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 It is so different than how I grew up. Moms would write notes giving permission to go home on the bus with other kids and kids would go to houses their parents had never seen before and wouldn't until they showed up to retrieve the kid after dinner. It was common. My mom didn't even have a car so if I wanted to go home early I couldn't call her and get picked up. I had to wait until Dad got home from work. I do remember my mom getting offended and annoyed that an overprotective mom wanted to talk on the phone before sending her kid over. It was just not common. I'm in the next stage of this with teens. My near 17 yo wants to take a girl for an ice cream but I need to meet the parents. What?!?!?!?! I understand the parents meeting my ds but me? It's ice cream. I do not enjoy the vetting by parents of girls my ds has an initial interest in. It isn't like we are taking her on vacation or something. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Guys. Those of you who disagree. How much time do you want to spend with someone before your defenses go down? What do you feel like you are learning when you check someone out? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Library Momma Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I agree that usually when the play date is someone new the parents will pop in for a minute to get a lay of the land. If they are comfortable leaving then they do, if not they stay. Usually by about 7 yo most parents leave. I also think many more parents are hesitant about people driving their child in car than hosting them alone in their home. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 (edited) Not really offended. Annoyed maybe? Lol. As Farrar said upthread, I don't want to befriend this family. I have a TON going on and don't have the time or mental space to host a whole family at my house so my daughter can have a play date. Maybe it means she won't get to host her friend, so I can live with that. But I think my perspective is equally valid. Maybe that's another thread. The vast majority of people are perfectly safe. But it kind of is what your dd would be doing, if she went over to this family's house. And it's what this girl would be doing at your house. She'd be dealing with you, your other kids, your pets, your mil, fil, bil, nephew, neighbour, etc., etc., Anyone and everyone who pops into your house. I do want to know the family and house situation of the place I let my very young children go to. Even my older children. Edited February 10, 2017 by wintermom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Guys. Those of you who disagree. How much time do you want to spend with someone before your defenses go down? What do you feel like you are learning when you check someone out? Well the other part of it was, the invite came from a child, not an adult. I would never assume an 8 year old has permission to invite guests over without hearing from the parent. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 Guys. Those of you who disagree. How much time do you want to spend with someone before your defenses go down? What do you feel like you are learning when you check someone out? I'd be fine with once. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 10, 2017 Share Posted February 10, 2017 I don't think this is that weird for 8 year olds. Especially if this child is new to the school scene. If it's that big of a problem, let it go and don't pursue it. My kids didn't go to families I didn't know so well until they were about 10. Before that it was all families I knew intimately. I certainly wouldn't take it personally. It sounds like maybe she's at a different place than you are and playdates like that are a new thing for her family. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2017 Author Share Posted February 10, 2017 Well the other part of it was, the invite came from a child, not an adult. I would never assume an 8 year old has permission to invite guests over without hearing from the parent. Oh, sorry. That's not how it went. The girls decided they wanted a play date. I offered to host for a couple of hours after school. My daughter said, my friend said you can find her mom in the directory! I don't have access to that because of the late start and said so. I forgot to send my contact with her school, so the two of them asked if we could exchange phone numbers to arrange a play date. The mom sent her name home with my daughter but no contact info. Maybe I should take that as a sign lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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