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Need advice/reassurance on mil visiting. Trigger. long.


yogangelica
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op - I too remember the thread from last year.   I'm hearing a lot of outraged talk from you, but not much in the way of actual action.  if you want to be taken seriously - you need serious action.   bottom line, move out of that house.  your mil doesn't believe you, and will side with her husband. how good a deal the rent is, is NOT worth the worry about your children's safety.

 

 

DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.

 

 

Really?

 

Spell it out for your DH: there's. no. way. any. of. the. kids. will. ever. be. around. that. man.

 

EVER. (And I wouldn't leave them alone with the MIL either because she's not trustworthy to make good decisions.)

 

See? That's how you and the kids avoid him. It's just that simple. Pandering and pussy footing around these people is ridiculous. (Sadly, it's always the victims of the perpetrators who wring their hands, not wanting to be rude etc. etc. I did it for a long time too so I know it when I see it.)

 

I don't mean to be rude to you at all, but your MIL is in denial: definitely. But so is your DH.

 

Hang in there. Mama bears are incredibly strong. Go mama bear on this situation. (Just like you're doing.)

 

Alley

I can be a bit a dramatic by nature.  I may come across as "outraged" because abuser is coming to town so I'm reacting. It's easy to maintain our rhythm and feel safe and happy when I know he's in another state. But it's a stressor knowing you know someone you don't want to see is going to be near. Therapy is only one portion and honestly not very helpful. The more we pay to talk about this the more he succeeds in making himself a focus of our life. At least now with him knowing we can find closure in a sense.

 

We are fully away that we are under mils thumb as long as we are living in her home. We've discussed moving and this house has served us well for the time but we know it's time to move on and so he's already spoken to his mom about selling. Since he fully expects to see the boys when he comes out with mil we can firmly tell him nope, not happening and this is why and that will be the end of it. It was covenant to not confront him and create waves by saying you will never see the boys again, when he wasn't even a direct threat to us. With him coming to twon though, that's a direct threat and so action will be made.

 

When I say dh doesn't really think we can keep the boys from being around him, I mean for like the rest of the duration of their childhood. There's family reunions and what not that we may or may not have to navigate but there's no sense in even thinking about that right now. Plain and simple, we both agree that he won't see them on this trip.

 

And maybe I am unclear but dh is not in denial, the only person in denial is his mom and that is typical. I absolutely understand that, he even told his mom that. It's hard for her to face I'm sure but that's for her to process. So anyways, boys won't be around, man will be finally confronted so as someone already said, no point in posting about it anymore. Thank you all for your words, I truly appreciated the insight. 

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I really can't believe this happened and you never confronted the abuser about it. He still doesn't know why he hasn't seen you all in 3 years. And he's never asked. ?!?!

 

I keep coming back to this, too.  I remember your other thread, and I think I recall that your child didn't tell you about it right away, but nevertheless, that man would know exactly why he'd never see my child again.  And MIL would know in no uncertain terms that if she wants a relationship with her grandkids, she'll never see them with that man present again.  Nor will she be alone with grandkids, with the opportunity to "discuss" it.  I do not sweep things under the rug, and I don't keep secrets or teach my children that it's okay to do that.  And that alone would keep this issue from cropping up over and over - both MIL and that man would know it's *never* going to be a possibility.  (Oh, and as to family reunions - MIL would know that if she wants her kids to attend, her current partner may not attend.  Otherwise - we wouldn't go.  Period.)

 

In addition to that, there'd be therapy for all.  Kids, adults, everyone.  Therapy would reinforce that keeping these things quiet, and not discussing them, isn't the way to go.  It would help with setting and maintaining boundaries.  And it would help with the communication between you and your partner (i.e. MIL and her partner coming into town and you not being told by your partner).  

 

You get one chance to do this right.  Protect your kids.  Empower them.  Make sure they know they are being heard, believed,  cared for, and protected.  

 

I personally know too many people whose parents/grandparents didn't listen, believe, care for, protect them.  None of them have good relationships (if any) with those parents/grandparents as adults - because of it.

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I keep coming back to this, too.  I remember your other thread, and I think I recall that your child didn't tell you about it right away, but nevertheless, that man would know exactly why he'd never see my child again.  And MIL would know in no uncertain terms that if she wants a relationship with her grandkids, she'll never see them with that man present again.  Nor will she be alone with grandkids, with the opportunity to "discuss" it.  I do not sweep things under the rug, and I don't keep secrets or teach my children that it's okay to do that.  And that alone would keep this issue from cropping up over and over - both MIL and that man would know it's *never* going to be a possibility.  (Oh, and as to family reunions - MIL would know that if she wants her kids to attend, her current partner may not attend.  Otherwise - we wouldn't go.  Period.)

 

In addition to that, there'd be therapy for all.  Kids, adults, everyone.  Therapy would reinforce that keeping these things quiet, and not discussing them, isn't the way to go.  It would help with setting and maintaining boundaries.  And it would help with the communication between you and your partner (i.e. MIL and her partner coming into town and you not being told by your partner).  

 

You get one chance to do this right.  Protect your kids.  Empower them.  Make sure they know they are being heard, believed,  cared for, and protected.  

 

I personally know too many people whose parents/grandparents didn't listen, believe, care for, protect them.  None of them have good relationships (if any) with those parents/grandparents as adults - because of it.

 

I see how you guys can assume certain things. However you don't know the whole story but basically the story is he touched and he never saw us after that. Once I knew for sure something happened it just so happened time had passed so I really had to go back and really evaluate timelines and what not. We have successfully shielded him from him ever since and that part was easy.

 

In theory I can only assume, as you all do as well, that he hasn't tagged along with grandma in years for a reason, because he knew he made a big mistake. He doesn't even work full time so it's not like he is super busy. Grandma on the other hand works ft and travels a lot it so to pop by to see her only son and grandkids in between business trips 1-2x a year makes sense. He has been in our state since then though for various reasons but we have never seen him.

 

All I know is he is coming with her to visit for the first time in years as a couple. I know it sounds weird, because it is. Yes it's taken a long time to confront him and whether that was right or wrong does not matter, our kids have been successfully shielded from him. Now he will know we all know and what happens after that is to be determined.Perhaps he thought that with some time we'd forget or never find out. Only time will tell. 

Edited by yogangelica
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I can be a bit a dramatic by nature.  I may come across as "outraged" because abuser is coming to town so I'm reacting. It's easy to maintain our rhythm and feel safe and happy when I know he's in another state. But it's a stressor knowing you know someone you don't want to see is going to be near. Therapy is only one portion and honestly not very helpful. The more we pay to talk about this the more he succeeds in making himself a focus of our life. At least now with him knowing we can find closure in a sense.

 

We are fully away that we are under mils thumb as long as we are living in her home. We've discussed moving and this house has served us well for the time but we know it's time to move on and so he's already spoken to his mom about selling. Since he fully expects to see the boys when he comes out with mil we can firmly tell him nope, not happening and this is why and that will be the end of it. It was covenant to not confront him and create waves by saying you will never see the boys again, when he wasn't even a direct threat to us. With him coming to twon though, that's a direct threat and so action will be made.

 

When I say dh doesn't really think we can keep the boys from being around him, I mean for like the rest of the duration of their childhood. There's family reunions and what not that we may or may not have to navigate but there's no sense in even thinking about that right now. Plain and simple, we both agree that he won't see them on this trip.

 

And maybe I am unclear but dh is not in denial, the only person in denial is his mom and that is typical. I absolutely understand that, he even told his mom that. It's hard for her to face I'm sure but that's for her to process. So anyways, boys won't be around, man will be finally confronted so as someone already said, no point in posting about it anymore. Thank you all for your words, I truly appreciated the insight. 

 

There's no sense in deciding whether or not to expose your child to his molester in coming years? I don't understand why this is a conversation. 

If it was an man who raped you or your husband, would you approach it the same way?

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One more note on the police report--honestly, it's nearly useless at this point and has the potential to do more harm. You don't remember the dates. You don't have any physical evidence. The incident can easily be construed to be harmless tickling or wrestling. Filing a report means interviews. A restraining order is not likely to be approved because this man lives out of state and the incident is legally questionable and unprovable. If you opened a DCFS investigation, it would likely be unfounded.

 

In your shoes, I would not deal with all the messy officialdom. It will open the can of worms without providing the affirmation or protection your children need. It will force your son to re-hash the whole ugly thing with a caseworker. And it would likely affirm the abuser, who would use the case to "prove" he is innocent. So rather than filing any reports, just keep your kids away from this man. Be a wall. Set the rules and refuse to discuss it. 

 

Which is why my advice was to not engage in any of that BS but I think there's value in clearly spelling it out in some way that he can't dismiss as the OP being upset about something else. He won't be wondering if that is what she's referring to. I do agree that I wouldn't file a police report at this point. I've read from the perspective of children who went through that when there was no physical evidence and it was scary and confusing and probably did more harm than good. Parents have the ability to keep their children away from this man.

 

WAIT has anyone at all told this man that you all know he touched your son?

 

As far as I know, no. Which is why I think someone should and that someone should be the OP since MIL is in denial and Husband is being... whatever.

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Again, we can and will keep our child away from him and I really won't worry about the future because there is no sense in that. One day at a time.. I am stronger now than I was a year ago or even a few years ago.

 

So yeah if mil won't talk to him before the trip, dh will, we both will because it's time. Beating a dead horse here but again thanks for the insight and suggestions. 

Edited by yogangelica
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Again, we can and will keep our child away from him and I really won't worry about the future because there is no sense in that. One day at a time.. I am stronger now than I was a year ago or even a few years ago.

 

So yeah if mil won't talk to him before the trip, dh will, we both will because it's time. Beating a dead horse here but again thanks for the insight and suggestions. 

 

I don't know about "again" because this is a is a direct contradiction to what you wrote earlier where you indicated this trip was off the table, but your husband thinks future visits are likely ( "dh doesn't really think we can keep the boys from being around him, I mean for like the rest of the duration of their childhood. There's family reunions and what not that we may or may not have to navigate ")  Just make a decision. Put your child above  your husband if you must; you are the only one protecting him.. My point being, there is a LOT of sense in thinking about the future here!

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Stick to this.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

Yes, it's enough.  But you will have to say it over and over.

If you want to attend a therapy session yourself, fine.  But do not subject your son to that.  Don't pressure him to do that.  Don't make this something that is up to him.  He's little.  You're big.  Be the one.  Take responsibility.  

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

 

Don't.

 

Your son doesn't need this dredged up.

 

Your son doesn't need to hear his grandma drag him through the mud.

 

Don't. Don't. Don't.

 

There's nothing to resolve with a counselor.

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

 

Good for you! Make sure your husband is on board. At least request that he PRETENDS to be on board with his mother. I really do think he is the key here.  It sounds like he is passing the message to you and letting you decide versus advocating for his child. 

 

If he stands up to his mother now, problem solved. If he won't, you will have to deal with this over and over and over.  That is profoundly unfair to you. 

Edited by poppy
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Yes, it's enough. But you will have to say it over and over.

If you want to attend a therapy session yourself, fine. But do not subject your son to that. Don't pressure him to do that. Don't make this something that is up to him. He's little. You're big. Be the one. Take responsibility.

Yes. It's in bold font for a reason. Maybe should be in all caps, too.

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PS  He has every incentive to lie, and none but his character and conscience to tell the truth.

If he does tell the truth, he could go to jail.  He could be forced to register as a sex offender.  He could lose his wife.

Nevertheless he SHOULD tell the truth.  But the downside is significant, and it sounds like it has blunted whatever conscience he might have.  Don't be surprised by this.

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PS He has every incentive to lie, and none but his character and conscience to tell the truth.

If he does tell the truth, he could go to jail. He could be forced to register as a sex offender. He could lose his wife.

Nevertheless he SHOULD tell the truth. But the downside is significant, and it sounds like it has blunted whatever conscience he might have. Don't be surprised by this.

All his response and request prove is that he is willing to lie in front of a counselor. He has nothing to gain and much to lose by coming clean. No way he's going to admit guilt. No way. Don't waste time trying to make that happen. Edited by Seasider
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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

No, you do not need to see a counselor with these people.  This is just another attempt to get you to engage.  Hold fast to your boundaries!

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

That's a big fat NO.

 

Why are you at a loss of what to do? What you do is LEAVE TOWN with your kids while he is there.

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 DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.

 

I am staying firm on this and bracing myself for mil to call me and try to talk me into agreeing to let the boys be around them while they do the repairs. In my brain I don't even understand why they need to be here but whatever.

 

 

 

1. Clearly your DH lacks imagination.  Avoiding people forever really isn't that hard.

 

2. The man is not allowed on the property.  Period.  Just because your MIL is the landlord doesn't mean she can bring whomever to your home.  Call her back and say he is not to be on the property and that if she brings him on the property you will have him arrested for trespassing and will tell the police precisely WHY he is barred from your residence.

 

3.  I think you need to move.  Having your landlord be a problem in-law is no good.

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If your child needs counseling, get it but it does not involve having the abuser present. The abuser suggesting counseling, to me, sounds like he'll be working on trying to convince you it didn't happen. Just don't go there......

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

I am curious if they thought your ds should be there for this counseling session. But regardless, the answer is HECK NO your son will NOT be there. Personally I would meet with the abuser in a counselors office. To emphatically tell him you believe your son and that he will never see your son again. Period. And I would not go into details about exactly what your son said. Just 'at least one incident of a molestation of a sexual nature'. Period.

 

Your Dh needs to be with you on this.

 

And to echo what everyone has said dozens of times. Move.

 

And yes I agree that he is to be told not to come on your property or the police will be notified and have him removed and you will tell the police then why. You don't want him on your property.

 

Your MIL is in a horrible position. She will be making a choice now. And I fear it will not be to believe your son.

 

Edited to add: saying this to a counselor could help you in the future if you split up from your Dh. Because once you are not together he will probably want to fold on this issue and let abuser see your son. If you start making noise after you are not together you look like a vindictive controller making stuff up. If it is documented that it was an issue from this point....you will more likely be able to get a judge to order your Dh to keep your son away from abuser.

 

Edited to add I re read more closely and see they DO want your son there. No. Just no no no.

 

How sick of them. It is not the way an innocent man would behave either.

Edited by Scarlett
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Just to put this plainly --

 

If you consent to ANY form of discussion or counseling WITH this man, what you are saying to your son, your husband, your husbands mother, and the criminally evil molester is

 

"There is a relationship to work on, and to try to salvage. There is something to resolve."

 

Which, in a normal universe, is NOT true. This man should never know you or your children. I don't think he should know where you live. I don't think grandma should know where you live, either, since she can't be trusted to protect your children from the man she chooses to STAY with after he molested her grandchild!!!

 

Just move out. Don't leave a forwarding address. Change your phone number. Tell your husband not to tell you what they want because you don't care - they're not people you're willing to know...but also warn him that if he tells them where your children live, and then doesn't tell you they are coming over, you will take steps to protect your kids with or without him.

 

Don't make simple things hard. Don't let others complicate something that is simple.

 

Simple truth: Make the bad man go away.

 

Any person, thing, or idea that gets in the way of the simple truth is your enemy.

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It's not even an acceptable idea to sit a bully down with his victim(s). To subject a child to his molester? You've got to be kidding. Is this even for real?

ITA. Monstrously insane idea there. Finding it hard to believe a mother would wonder whether to go along with it...but OP, if you really are unsure, I hope the screaming you're hearing in this thread is giving you a clue. We're freaked out because what's happening is wrong.

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MIL just texted me asking what time is best to schedule our son for a counseling session. Fine, my son sees someone again, what difference does it make? That is what I keep going through in my head. I said I don't feel our child needs to be dragged into this right now to dh and that he can communicate that to his mom. So now compromise is that my dh and I along with her and abuser meet with a counselor. But still pleads for me and son to see the counselor as well. I can see her need for this. I almost want to just agree as simply to prove this is not something our son has made up and that regardless of him admitting guilt we hav ea right to say no to having him in our life from now on.

 

DH thinks I am just trying to avoid facing this confrontation and yes, maybe I am. I don't want to see his face, let alone alone have our soon to be 10 year old see his face either. It makes more sense for us to handle this alone as parents, not involve abuser and his wife.

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

 

 

 

Get away from these people. I don't give a flying flip what your reasons are for not aggressively drawing those boundaries and protecting them with proverbial bared teeth.

 

Look, if you're a real person and this is a real problem you're having, you KNOW what everyone and their grandmother thinks you should do. GTF away from that dude and make it an extremely inhospitable prospect for him to try to weasel back in. This is a person who touches children's private parts in front everyone MEANT to protect that child. BE A BRICK WALL. No, you're not going to talk to him unless it's to inform him in front of witnesses that you're finally going to the police). No, he can't be in your house. HELL NO you're not going to counseling with him. OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LEGITIMIZE HIS POSITION THAT WAY.

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MIL just texted me asking what time is best to schedule our son for a counseling session. Fine, my son sees someone again, what difference does it make? That is what I keep going through in my head. I said I don't feel our child needs to be dragged into this right now to dh and that he can communicate that to his mom. So now compromise is that my dh and I along with her and abuser meet with a counselor. But still pleads for me and son to see the counselor as well. I can see her need for this. I almost want to just agree as simply to prove this is not something our son has made up and that regardless of him admitting guilt we hav ea right to say no to having him in our life from now on.

 

DH thinks I am just trying to avoid facing this confrontation and yes, maybe I am. I don't want to see his face, let alone alone have our soon to be 10 year old see his face either. It makes more sense for us to handle this alone as parents, not involve abuser and his wife.

 

Dude, telll her absolutely freaking not.

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MIL just texted me asking what time is best to schedule our son for a counseling session. Fine, my son sees someone again, what difference does it make? That is what I keep going through in my head. I said I don't feel our child needs to be dragged into this right now to dh and that he can communicate that to his mom. So now compromise is that my dh and I along with her and abuser meet with a counselor. But still pleads for me and son to see the counselor as well. I can see her need for this. I almost want to just agree as simply to prove this is not something our son has made up and that regardless of him admitting guilt we hav ea right to say no to having him in our life from now on.

 

DH thinks I am just trying to avoid facing this confrontation and yes, maybe I am. I don't want to see his face, let alone alone have our soon to be 10 year old see his face either. It makes more sense for us to handle this alone as parents, not involve abuser and his wife.

Please go up a few posts and read Tibbi'e's post. Then read it again and then again. Do not allow your son to be around these people. You shouldn't be around them either. Edited by Just Kate
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ITA. Monstrously insane idea there. Finding it hard to believe a mother would wonder whether to go along with it...but OP, if you really are unsure, I hope the screaming you're hearing in this thread is giving you a clue. We're freaked out because what's happening is wrong.

I hear you all! Seriously, when dh told me and I still don't know whole story because I was so blown away that abuser suggested we all see a counselor together. And poor mil has lost 5 lbs stressing over when to talk to him about this and even more since confronting him herself. And now he's all sad now too. Boo hoo. It has been harder on our end. No way will I bring our son to talk to abuser and mil with a counselor.

 

It's even asking a lot to ask me to talk to him a counseling session. I do not need it. I do not have the time for it. and I don't care if mil wants to foot the bill. I have a choice to not want to talk to him and just let it be that he made a big mistake and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, he's not getting a second chance. We can go to counseling for months or years but that wouldn't make me suddenly be like ok our kids can be around your husband now.

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MIL just texted me asking what time is best to schedule our son for a counseling session. Fine, my son sees someone again, what difference does it make? That is what I keep going through in my head. I said I don't feel our child needs to be dragged into this right now to dh and that he can communicate that to his mom. So now compromise is that my dh and I along with her and abuser meet with a counselor. But still pleads for me and son to see the counselor as well. I can see her need for this. I almost want to just agree as simply to prove this is not something our son has made up and that regardless of him admitting guilt we hav ea right to say no to having him in our life from now on.

 

DH thinks I am just trying to avoid facing this confrontation and yes, maybe I am. I don't want to see his face, let alone alone have our soon to be 10 year old see his face either. It makes more sense for us to handle this alone as parents, not involve abuser and his wife.

You tell your MIL When and where and with whom your son sees a counselor is none of her business and you will not discuss it with her. That all she needs to know is abuser will never see your son again. Edited by Scarlett
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The abuser intends to use the counseling session to show everyone how open he is and how this didn't happen. He's done it before, at his age he didn't just start this behavior, he knows he won't be in legal trouble even if the counselor doesn't believe him. Your dh needs to understand that this isn't about avoiding confrontation, this is about not giving this sick man power in your family. This is the time to stand your ground.

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Girl, they are playing you. First they will convince you to see the counselor and then they will move on to supervised visits with the kids. Be the adult. Say no. Get a new number. Tell your partner to not bother you with their information. See a counselor yourself so when this relationship breaks up (sorry, it doesn't look good) you have someone on your side to help you keep the kids from them.

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There is zero reason for you to meet with them. Move out. No forwarding address. Whether you have to couch surf with friends or what, just go. These bad people are coming after you and your children.

 

Ok, that's my last post. If you deal with this problem and come back to these forums later to talk about education, I will be very happy to talk math or whatever. On this topic, just as with your last thread, there's really nothing else to say. If the situation is real, deal or don't deal, but it gets to be too much drama here. Good luck.

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I hear you all! Seriously, when dh told me and I still don't know whole story because I was so blown away that abuser suggested we all see a counselor together. And poor mil has lost 5 lbs stressing over when to talk to him about this and even more since confronting him herself. And now he's all sad now too. Boo hoo. It has been harder on our end. No way will I bring our son to talk to abuser and mil with a counselor.

 

It's even asking a lot to ask me to talk to him a counseling session. I do not need it. I do not have the time for it. and I don't care if mil wants to foot the bill. I have a choice to not want to talk to him and just let it be that he made a big mistake and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, he's not getting a second chance. We can go to counseling for months or years but that wouldn't make me suddenly be like ok our kids can be around your husband now.

Reframe it as you will see him with an unbiased party so that you can make clear your position that you believe your ds and this abuser will never see your son again. No discussion. No listening to his lies and explanati No. Just get up and walk out after you speak your peace.

 

It might help you down the road if your Dh won't get on board.

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Dude, telll her absolutely freaking not.

Yes.

 

Angelica, you are in a tough position. Your partner does not have your back, or that of his own kid. SMH. This man is torn between his mom and his own child. I'm sorry he is failing as a parent and as a partner.

 

You leaving could pose problems. You may not have the financial resources or support from your own family. If you leave and there's a custody battle, he could end up with unsupervised visitation and permit molester to see his victim again, and may end up in further abuse. Doesn't mean you shouldn't leave, just do it wisely (I mean long term, not just a short trip while bad man is in town).

 

I really really believe you need a lawyer. Like, yesterday. You need a legal mind to help figure out how to document something that would be in your favor for preventing future visits in a custody arrangement. If you can't finance or finagle a lawyer, go to the local police station or call your local town offices and ask for some sort of referral for services.

 

MIL is likely too emotionally entwined with this man to ever ever make a decision to leave him without concrete admissions from him. That's never going to happen.

 

I'm sorry this is difficult for you, and you say your partner supports you, but his actions are not demonstrating that fact. My dh would have (short of being in jail for killing the man) packed us all out of that house and restricted contact with mil in a heartbeat, even if we had to move to the local campground and live in tents.

Edited by Seasider
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Just to put this plainly --

 

If you consent to ANY form of discussion or counseling WITH this man, what you are saying to your son, your husband, your husbands mother, and the criminally evil molester is

 

"There is a relationship to work on, and to try to salvage. There is something to resolve."

 

Which, in a normal universe, is NOT true. This man should never know you or your children. I don't think he should know where you live. I don't think grandma should know where you live, either, since she can't be trusted to protect your children from the man she chooses to STAY with after he molested her grandchild!!!

 

Just move out. Don't leave a forwarding address. Change your phone number. Tell your husband not to tell you what they want because you don't care - they're not people you're willing to know...but also warn him that if he tells them where your children live, and then doesn't tell you they are coming over, you will take steps to protect your kids with or without him.

 

Don't make simple things hard. Don't let others complicate something that is simple.

 

Simple truth: Make the bad man go away.

 

Any person, thing, or idea that gets in the way of the simple truth is your enemy.

I so appreciate this wording. I have 2 weeks to figure something out. I totally felt that this suggestion of therapy was a way to try and "work this out" but there's nothing to work out. It is what it is.

 

If they weren't coming out to fix the stupid pool I wouldn't be sending him to therapy, it's simply not needed right now. How many times does he need to say someone touched him and keep talking about it? every week until he becomes a teen? He's been acknowledged, he knows what happened was not his fault. He's processed and as therapist told me he'll prob process through his life. There's only so much we can do to heal and this whole situation impedes on that process in my opinion.

 

Minor of not something happened.

I honestly don't know what dh thinks will benefit from us all talking either. I'm baffled and mil keeps texting asking about times for our son to see therapist. I want to just tell her right after we file a report with the police. 

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MIL and abuser think its a good idea to see a counselor when they are in town. He denies it happened as I suspected and is the one apparently advocating we talk about this as a group. I told dh I won't put our son in his prescence.Our son hasn't seen this man face to face in at least 3 years and I fully intend of keeping it that way.

 

Is it not enough to say okay this happened, I don't need to talk about this, I simply don't want our child around him and that is that? Should I really sit down and do therapy sessions with mil & abuser, dh&me and our son? I am at a loss of what to do now.

  

MIL just texted me asking what time is best to schedule our son for a counseling session. Fine, my son sees someone again, what difference does it make? That is what I keep going through in my head. I said I don't feel our child needs to be dragged into this right now to dh and that he can communicate that to his mom. So now compromise is that my dh and I along with her and abuser meet with a counselor. But still pleads for me and son to see the counselor as well. I can see her need for this. I almost want to just agree as simply to prove this is not something our son has made up and that regardless of him admitting guilt we hav ea right to say no to having him in our life from now on.

 

DH thinks I am just trying to avoid facing this confrontation and yes, maybe I am. I don't want to see his face, let alone alone have our soon to be 10 year old see his face either. It makes more sense for us to handle this alone as parents, not involve abuser and his wife.

  

I hear you all! Seriously, when dh told me and I still don't know whole story because I was so blown away that abuser suggested we all see a counselor together. And poor mil has lost 5 lbs stressing over when to talk to him about this and even more since confronting him herself. And now he's all sad now too. Boo hoo. It has been harder on our end. No way will I bring our son to talk to abuser and mil with a counselor.

 

It's even asking a lot to ask me to talk to him a counseling session. I do not need it. I do not have the time for it. and I don't care if mil wants to foot the bill. I have a choice to not want to talk to him and just let it be that he made a big mistake and I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry, he's not getting a second chance. We can go to counseling for months or years but that wouldn't make me suddenly be like ok our kids can be around your husband now.

If this story is true, I think maybe you are the one who needs to seek counseling.

 

I'm not saying this to be nasty; I really mean it. The solution to your problem has been presented over and over and over in this thread by many, many people -- just as it was the last time you brought up this situation, but you keep adding new layers of drama.

 

This new twist with your MIL requesting a counseling session sounds absolutely ludicrous to me, and from what you have told us about your MIL in the past, it doesn't make any sense at all that she would suggest something like that.

 

There is no great mystery here. There is no huge problem. All you need to do is make sure the child molester is never allowed anywhere near your children. Period. End of story.

 

Why do you keep insisting on complicating this? It's not rocket science. It's common sense.

 

I know I sound mean. I honestly wish the best for you and your children. I'm just very frustrated with your excuses and with the way you keep adding new twists to the story.

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No reputable counselor in the world would agree that the proper response to child molestation is counseling for the child and the abuser together. Which means your MIL is telling the counselor something else about what the situation is that requires counseling. Don't step into her framing of the situation by going to the appointment. It's a set-up.

That immediately came to mind as well but I dismissed that as a crazy though. She is open to me finding a counselor as well so I don't think is a  set up so to speak. I don't see the need for it though but she is insisting. My dh thinks by me not agreeing to  meet that in a way I am just trying to avoid this situation. I don't know. It just seems weird to me and totally not necessary. I guess on the other hand though confronting him for the first time ain a neutral documented space might be good? That's what dh thinks at least. He agrees that any credible doctor would not advise a child to meet with the abuser in a confrontation setting.

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I honestly don't know what dh thinks will benefit from us all talking either. I'm baffled and mil keeps texting asking about times for our son to see therapist. I want to just tell her right after we file a report with the police. 

 

Say that.

 

And your dh....I think you need marriage counseling. That's the only kind of counseling your family needs. You can trot merrily on in your life without any relationship with the evil ones. But you need to figure out where your dh is, and he needs to see how toxic his relationship with his mother is. She's going to try to twist this if you and your dh continue to engage. She's manipulating your dh and he's falling for it. Your nuclear family needs help, not because of the molestation, but because your dh needs help drawing solid boundaries with his mother.

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I so appreciate this wording. I have 2 weeks to figure something out. I totally felt that this suggestion of therapy was a way to try and "work this out" but there's nothing to work out. It is what it is.

 

If they weren't coming out to fix the stupid pool I wouldn't be sending him to therapy, it's simply not needed right now. How many times does he need to say someone touched him and keep talking about it? every week until he becomes a teen? He's been acknowledged, he knows what happened was not his fault. He's processed and as therapist told me he'll prob process through his life. There's only so much we can do to heal and this whole situation impedes on that process in my opinion.

 

Minor of not something happened.

I honestly don't know what dh thinks will benefit from us all talking either. I'm baffled and mil keeps texting asking about times for our son to see therapist. I want to just tell her right after we file a report with the police.

Sorry, but you're missing everyone's point again. If this man is coming to fix the pool, take your children and stay at a hotel until he is gone.

 

You have had a YEAR to move out of that house since you last posted about this, and it has been far longer than that since the man molested your son, so if moving out of the house for several days while he and MIL are in town is all you have to do to avoid seeing them, that really isn't much of an inconvenience.

 

 

Edited for my usual typos!

Edited by Catwoman
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That immediately came to mind as well but I dismissed that as a crazy though. She is open to me finding a counselor as well so I don't think is a  set up so to speak. I don't see the need for it though but she is insisting. My dh thinks by me not agreeing to  meet that in a way I am just trying to avoid this situation. I don't know. It just seems weird to me and totally not necessary. I guess on the other hand though confronting him for the first time ain a neutral documented space might be good? That's what dh thinks at least. He agrees that any credible doctor would not advise a child to meet with the abuser in a confrontation setting.

 

Your husband is faulting you for not reconciling your son to his abuser.  "For the first time" meaning he sees obviously, clearly, no questions foresees many other visits.

 

This is really simple. If you want your son to spend more time with his molestor, agree. If you do not, refuse.

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That immediately came to mind as well but I dismissed that as a crazy though. She is open to me finding a counselor as well so I don't think is a set up so to speak. I don't see the need for it though but she is insisting. My dh thinks by me not agreeing to meet that in a way I am just trying to avoid this situation. I don't know. It just seems weird to me and totally not necessary. I guess on the other hand though confronting him for the first time ain a neutral documented space might be good? That's what dh thinks at least. He agrees that any credible doctor would not advise a child to meet with the abuser in a confrontation setting.

Why are you even communicating with your MIL?

 

If she is doing the things you say she is, it's time to stand up for yourself and simply refuse her requests. If she keeps texting you, don't respond -- block her number if necessary.

 

Why are you being so wishy-washy about this? Protect yourself and protect your children. You can do this!

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If this story is true, I think maybe you are the one who needs to seek counseling.

 

I'm not saying this to be nasty; I really mean it. The solution to your problem has been presented over and over and over in this thread by many, many people -- just as it was the last time you brought up this situation, but you keep adding new layers of drama.

 

This new twist with your MIL requesting a counseling session sounds absolutely ludicrous to me, and from what you have told us about your MIL in the past, it doesn't make any sense at all that she would suggest something like that.

 

There is no great mystery here. There is no huge problem. All you need to do is make sure the child molester is never allowed anywhere near your children. Period. End of story.

 

Why do you keep insisting on complicating this? It's not rocket science. It's common sense.

 

I know I sound mean. I honestly wish the best for you and your children. I'm just very frustrated with your excuses and with the way you keep adding new twists to the story.

Thank you for being so blunt. I wish it was that easy. I'm just adding those details because they add to the layer of this whole situation. I know by mil saying she's lost weight and abuser has been sad since her talking to him about this that she wants us to feel bad for them. Her son might, but I don't. And yes I could use more therapy but it's expensive. It's actually quite humorous thinking mil thinks we should do therapy together and her foot the bill. Seems more bizarre now as I type it all out.

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Thank you for being so blunt. I wish it was that easy. I'm just adding those details because they add to the layer of this whole situation.

 

It really doesn't.

 

The story begins and ends with a person willing to do bad things and another person (possibly 2--the child's father) willing to trust/fascilitate the bad person.

 

Of course they are going to keep doing that. NO HAS STOPPED THEM.

 

There are no layers. Merely failures.

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