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Need advice/reassurance on mil visiting. Trigger. long.


yogangelica
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I posted about a year ago about my son being inappropriately touched by his grandmas husband on the couch while we were all present. We have not seen this man in over 3 years and he lives out of state. My partners mom has always visited us a couple times a year since moving in 2010 but since the incident he for whatever reason has not tagged along with her to visit.

 

However he has come to our state 2x recently that I know of to visit on his own to help his ex wife clear her moms home and fix stuff around her house. Last year he visited our home when the outside was being painted and I didn't know until last minute so I panicked but managed to avoid having him enter our home and garage. I posted about all of this so I don't want to go into that again.

 

PROBLEM now is that last week I got a call from mil and she asked if my dh told me they were coming into town. NOPE. I waited a few days to see if he would tell me, didn't say a word. Well I finally confronted him calmly and asked him when he was going to tell me his mom and her husband were coming to town. He didn't really know any details only that they were coming the 25th of this month. Mil told me they would be staying in a hotel "since the boys are bigger now". I was totally thrown off guard.

 

They are coming out because we rent her old home and the pool needs to be drained&repaired. She had been talking for 6 months about getting it fixed but I didn't know she needed to travel from out of state to take of it. He's great at repairing so I can only assume she's having him fix some of it. I really don't know anything other than that they will be here for 5 days. 

 

I told my man that we will not be around and that there is no way he is going to see them so he needs to talk to his mom. He called her over the weekend and told her what was up and said we don't feel comfortable having X around the boys. She said "well that's not going  to work". She is still in denial and has known about this incident for a solid year now. She does not want to talk to him about it but he told her she needs to even though she doesn't want to. I told DH he is going to have to talk to him as well because he needs to know we believe something happened and there's one strike and he's out. He can deny all he wants which I assume he will but that's not changing anything for me.

 

What makes me upset is that she planned all of this without even asking us about the dates. She simply said we'll be out on x date to her son. I think she still holds hope that we can put this behind us but there is no way I am backing down on this. She even told dh she wants to talk to our son (9) and when he told me that I told him hell no! If she wants to talk she can talk to me.

 

We're talking about a situation that happened like 3+ years ago when our son was 6 or 7 and our youngest is now 6 so there's just no way I am risking anything, even if there's like 10% chance that it being a misunderstanding, like mil insists it to be. MIL is in denial, I can understand, but my son said the touching made him feel "warm" so I don't care what she says. Hugs can feel warm too but this was not a hug, this was a few squeezes to the penis over his pants.

 

I asked our son how he would feel if he ever had to see him and he said "nervous, uncomfortable". That right there is enough. He was forgiving though and said well maybe it would be okay it's up to you. DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.

 

I am staying firm on this and bracing myself for mil to call me and try to talk me into agreeing to let the boys be around them while they do the repairs. In my brain I don't even understand why they need to be here but whatever.

 

I don't know what advice I am looking for, but I just needed to get this out and look forward to reading the responses.

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You got a ton of good advice the last time you posted about this. Have you gone to an attorney to figure out the best way to protect your son?

 

I'm with zoobie -- what did you do with the very large amount of good advice you received here, the last time?

 

It sounds as if you have exactly the same issues.

 

1. Your husband isn't as strong as you are, or as good at maintaining boundaries, as far as protecting your children goes, and

2. you are still living in her house.

3. And it seems you haven't gone to the police about what happened, or consulted an attorney about legal ways to protect your children.

 

What are you in the process of changing?

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I can't believe you are still with that guy who is still siding with your child's abuser.    I would have been gone, years ago.  Now he is deliberately hiding information about having the abuser near your kid. You need to leave, yesterday.

 

Since you know he lies, I would assume there are, or will be, visits you are not made aware of.  The risk is still present.

Edited by poppy
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If I were you, I'd have been out of that rental house, consulted an attorney, and constructed boundaries to keep those people away from my kids.  Anyone who got in the way of those boundaries or lied about those people having access to my kids would be severely limited in their access to my kids as well.

 

For the very short term, and not as a solution - because it's not, and you need to plan on those people sneaking to see your kids with the help of, ummm, apparently your DH - in the very short term I would find out exactly when they'll be in town, and I'd leave.  Go to family or friends and stay with them, or camp, or whatever you have to do.  

 

You have an obligation to protect your children.  No one else is going to do it.  And you can't do it effectively while living in the abuse'rs house.  

Edited by Spryte
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I posted about a year ago about my son being inappropriately touched by his grandmas husband on the couch while we were all present. We have not seen this man in over 3 years and he lives out of state. My partners mom has always visited us a couple times a year since moving in 2010 but since the incident he for whatever reason has not tagged along with her to visit.

 

However he has come to our state 2x recently that I know of to visit on his own to help his ex wife clear her moms home and fix stuff around her house. Last year he visited our home when the outside was being painted and I didn't know until last minute so I panicked but managed to avoid having him enter our home and garage. I posted about all of this so I don't want to go into that again.

 

PROBLEM now is that last week I got a call from mil and she asked if my dh told me they were coming into town. NOPE. I waited a few days to see if he would tell me, didn't say a word. Well I finally confronted him calmly and asked him when he was going to tell me his mom and her husband were coming to town. He didn't really know any details only that they were coming the 25th of this month. Mil told me they would be staying in a hotel "since the boys are bigger now". I was totally thrown off guard.

 

They are coming out because we rent her old home and the pool needs to be drained&repaired. She had been talking for 6 months about getting it fixed but I didn't know she needed to travel from out of state to take of it. He's great at repairing so I can only assume she's having him fix some of it. I really don't know anything other than that they will be here for 5 days.

 

I told my man that we will not be around and that there is no way he is going to see them so he needs to talk to his mom. He called her over the weekend and told her what was up and said we don't feel comfortable having X around the boys. She said "well that's not going to work". She is still in denial and has known about this incident for a solid year now. She does not want to talk to him about it but he told her she needs to even though she doesn't want to. I told DH he is going to have to talk to him as well because he needs to know we believe something happened and there's one strike and he's out. He can deny all he wants which I assume he will but that's not changing anything for me.

 

What makes me upset is that she planned all of this without even asking us about the dates. She simply said we'll be out on x date to her son. I think she still holds hope that we can put this behind us but there is no way I am backing down on this. She even told dh she wants to talk to our son (9) and when he told me that I told him hell no! If she wants to talk she can talk to me.

 

We're talking about a situation that happened like 3+ years ago when our son was 6 or 7 and our youngest is now 6 so there's just no way I am risking anything, even if there's like 10% chance that it being a misunderstanding, like mil insists it to be. MIL is in denial, I can understand, but my son said the touching made him feel "warm" so I don't care what she says. Hugs can feel warm too but this was not a hug, this was a few squeezes to the penis over his pants.

 

I asked our son how he would feel if he ever had to see him and he said "nervous, uncomfortable". That right there is enough. He was forgiving though and said well maybe it would be okay it's up to you. DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.

 

I am staying firm on this and bracing myself for mil to call me and try to talk me into agreeing to let the boys be around them while they do the repairs. In my brain I don't even understand why they need to be here but whatever.

 

I don't know what advice I am looking for, but I just needed to get this out and look forward to reading the responses.

For real? Your son's father just rolled over like a puppy looking for a belly rub when he learned this man was coming to town - to your house, and he didn't find it important to mention to you?

 

At the very, very minimum, my bags would be packed and credit card ready to leave town with the boys on vacation the moment they cross the state line, for as long as they were in town, no matter how many "delays" they have. Your partner can deal with them and the repairs.

 

Minimum.

 

Long term - I would seriously be reconsidering my relationship with any member of this family, though I do understand it might be better in the long run to keep your friends close and enemies closer. IOW, you have more control over who has access to the boys if you remain a family unit vs. custody/visitation issues where their dad can take them to see MIL and her partner.

 

Do not take MIL's calls. Just don't. Plan your vacation and go. See family or friends out-of-state, across country, out-of-country. Whatever. There is no "can't afford it" in the scenario. You can't afford not to.

 

Set your boundaries firm. Bulletproof. No cracks in the armor. Show MIL AND your partner that you mean business period.

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I don't recall reading about you all suggesting I get an attorney and press charges. We live minutes from a police station so I am prepared to wreck hell if my boundaries get pushed. My partner and I just celebrated 16 years together, we are 32, I am doing my best in what is a really crappy situation. I am not leaving him, he is not going to betray us and he is just as upset about this all happening. He believes our son, will protect him and is all for me leaving when his mom comes to take care of the repairs.

 

My partner will absolutely not sneak his boys to see his mom and step dad, we are on the same page. Trust me! Even if I did file a report chances of anything happening are slim because this happened years ago and there's no hard solid proof other than a little boys words. My mother and sister who are well versed in this agree as well that filing a report is extreme and he lives out of state so I don't know how all that works.

 

What I am doing is my absolute best and besides this I have a lot going on in my life. We are planning on moving. I have already started process of selling everything I possibly can. It's not the abusers home, it's his moms and she got a prenup when they got married, not that it makes a difference. For as long as my partner and I have been together, so have they so I know this man enough and had this never happened I would still not like him, but I would tolerate him as I always have. BUT NOW, I will not tolerate him at all and there is no wiggle room.

 

My grandparents have been staying at a hospital rehab center since first of January so when abuser and mil come in town I will be staying there. However, their home is an hour from my kids school so during the week we will need to be back home. Honestly though I predict that he won't even come out once she confronts him. I don't care that this goes against her happy vision for her life as a grandma. If I leave my man which would be super easy since we are not married, I would have zero control over who sees our kids when he is with them. You know? So please keep the words coming!

 

 

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I'm sure he didn't tell me right away because he didn't know all the details and knowing me, I will overreact so best to wait and tell me when he knows more. That is my rationalizing anyways and he feels vulnerable too. It's his moms home, he feels he can't just say she can't come and fix something that needs to be fixed. There's is nothing they can do to fix this crappy situation that is now our life.

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I don't recall reading about you all suggesting I get an attorney and press charges. We live minutes from a police station so I am prepared to wreck hell if my boundaries get pushed. My partner and I just celebrated 16 years together, we are 32, I am doing my best in what is a really crappy situation. I am not leaving him, he is not going to betray us and he is just as upset about this all happening. He believes our son, will protect him and is all for me leaving when his mom comes to take care of the repairs.

 

My partner will absolutely not sneak his boys to see his mom and step dad, we are on the same page. Trust me! Even if I did file a report chances of anything happening are slim because this happened years ago and there's no hard solid proof other than a little boys words. My mother and sister who are well versed in this agree as well that filing a report is extreme and he lives out of state so I don't know how all that works.

 

What I am doing is my absolute best and besides this I have a lot going on in my life. We are planning on moving. I have already started process of selling everything I possibly can. It's not the abusers home, it's his moms and she got a prenup when they got married, not that it makes a difference. For as long as my partner and I have been together, so have they so I know this man enough and had this never happened I would still not like him, but I would tolerate him as I always have. BUT NOW, I will not tolerate him at all and there is no wiggle room.

 

My grandparents have been staying at a hospital rehab center since first of January so when abuser and mil come in town I will be staying there. However, their home is an hour from my kids school so during the week we will need to be back home. Honestly though I predict that he won't even come out once she confronts him. I don't care that this goes against her happy vision for her life as a grandma. If I leave my man which would be super easy since we are not married, I would have zero control over who sees our kids when he is with them. You know? So please keep the words coming!

  

I'm sure he didn't tell me right away because he didn't know all the details and knowing me, I will overreact so best to wait and tell me when he knows more. That is my rationalizing anyways and he feels vulnerable too. It's his moms home, he feels he can't just say she can't come and fix something that needs to be fixed. There's is nothing they can do to fix this crappy situation that is now our life.

Not to be rude, but if that is the case, why did you come back here and act all worried and ask for advice?

 

It sounds like you and your dh are on the same page and have the situation covered.

 

I'm confused. What am I missing here?

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You need to move. Whatever break you are getting on rent is not worth it. Start organizing a plan to get out of that house.

 

For the immediate time take the boys away the week MIL is coming. Visit a relative. Rent a cabin in a state or regional park and hike and explore nature. Just don't be home.

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I believe you about your dh and even if I didn't I wouldn't council you to leave him, because then kids are without you around dangerous ppl (because in this hypothetical he's not keen to protect the kids.)

 

You REALLY need to move out right now.

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Your husband and your MIL have had a year to deal with this. If I were you, I would call her husband and tell him that you believe he molested your son and he will never be allowed to see him again. Don't explain, apologize or defend. End the conversation any time you feel like you've said all you need to say and have no interest in hearing more. Prepare for him to deny, be angry, guilt trip. Feel free not to listen to it, but hang up the phone. As a person who would literally be shaking if I had to make such a phone call, I understand how hard that might be. I would definitely down a Mike's hard lemonade or two. I would write out bullet points of what I needed to say. But I would make the call anyway.

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I'm sure he didn't tell me right away because he didn't know all the details and knowing me, I will overreact so best to wait and tell me when he knows more. That is my rationalizing anyways and he feels vulnerable too. It's his moms home, he feels he can't just say she can't come and fix something that needs to be fixed. There's is nothing they can do to fix this crappy situation that is now our life.

What would overreacting look like in your opinion? The idea that he thinks it's ok to lie to you about this, and you agree, is troubling . Edited by poppy
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I remember this situation.

You are living in house that she owns. Is that correct?  She is entitled as a landlord to simply inform you when repairs will be made.  She does have to inform you if it involves coming inside (and I'm not sure from your facts whether it does).

 

You have the right not to be home and to keep your kids away from this person, but you don't have the right to tell the landlord/owner who may repair this problem. 

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My grandparents have been staying at a hospital rehab center since first of January so when abuser and mil come in town I will be staying there. However, their home is an hour from my kids school so during the week we will need to be back home. Honestly though I predict that he won't even come out once she confronts him. I don't care that this goes against her happy vision for her life as a grandma. If I leave my man which would be super easy since we are not married, I would have zero control over who sees our kids when he is with them. You know? So please keep the words coming!

I'm the first person to make sure my kids attend school but this is a situation I would miss school over. You do not need to be back home during the week to attend school. If you want them to attend school, stay with friends, make the hour drive each day, but do not stay at your house. Personally, I'd leave town and I wouldn't come back until I knew they were gone.

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Is there a problem with driving a couple of extra hours per day (to the kids' school from the place you intend to stay) for a week? It's inconvenient, but it's safe.

 

It also clearly communicates that this boundary doesn't evaporate on a circumstantial basis -- it's real. If they are in town, you are out of town. It's not over reacting, and it's not flexible. It's a line.

 

I don't think you need an attorney to get a restraint order (jurisdictions vary). I'd walk into the police station and explain that you feel that an individual may have molested your son, but you don't want to press charges, and you don't think you could prove it. You'd like to know if it is possible to get a restraining order simply because you feel threatened (on behalf of your son) by the man, and want him to keep his distance.

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I'm the first person to make sure my kids attend school but this is a situation I would miss school over. You do not need to be back home during the week to attend school. If you want them to attend school, stay with friends, make the hour drive each day, but do not stay at your house. Personally, I'd leave town and I wouldn't come back until I knew they were gone.

:iagree:

 

This is not high school. They can miss school.

 

It's about setting a firm boundary. No ifs, ands, or buts.

 

If you want to be taken seriously, you have to show you are serious.

Edited by fraidycat
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Your husband and your MIL have had a year to deal with this. If I were you, I would call her husband and tell him that you believe he molested your son and he will never be allowed to see him again. Don't explain, apologize or defend. End the conversation any time you feel like you've said all you need to say and have no interest in hearing more. Prepare for him to deny, be angry, guilt trip. Feel free not to listen to it, but hang up the phone. As a person who would literally be shaking if I had to make such a phone call, I understand how hard that might be. I would definitely down a Mike's hard lemonade or two. I would write out bullet points of what I needed to say. But I would make the call anyway.

I don't know his number. His mom said she will talk to abuser and get back to dh on what he says. He said they have not spoken since Saturday when he called to tell her abuser can't see the boys. It's been easy to not confront him because he's not in our life but now that he's paying a visit with mil for the first time since this incident happened. Well pussy footing around this ends this month and the cat will be out of the bag once and for all.

 

I remember this situation.

You are living in house that she owns. Is that correct?  She is entitled as a landlord to simply inform you when repairs will be made.  She does have to inform you if it involves coming inside (and I'm not sure from your facts whether it does).

 

You have the right not to be home and to keep your kids away from this person, but you don't have the right to tell the landlord/owner who may repair this problem. 

Yes we are renting from her and it's a great deal on our end but I've already spoke up about us moving and he agrees but now it's just a matter of really actively moving forward with that. Regardless I will let her know I don't want them in our home while we are gone. dh works from 630 to 630 5x a week and he can't be home for the repairs. It all just seems weird to me that they are both coming for the pool when that could be contracted out.

 

I'm the first person to make sure my kids attend school but this is a situation I would miss school over. You do not need to be back home during the week to attend school. If you want them to attend school, stay with friends, make the hour drive each day, but do not stay at your house. Personally, I'd leave town and I wouldn't come back until I knew they were gone.

 

They started school at 715 so in this case they will miss the 3 days. MIL will be sad to not see the boys, even if it's without abuser, but this isn't about her feelings. My son does not want to see this man ever again and I will do everything I can to ensure that happens. It's gonna be a long month!

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Also, I'd probably go on to the police dept and tell them what happened. I don't know what they'll do, but if something happens between you and your husband/partner and he caves in and lets that monster around your son, having that paperwork will be loads of help to you.

He won't cave in but yeah I think it's time to just go down there and make a report even if years have passed.

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Yes we are renting from her and it's a great deal on our end but I've already spoke up about us moving and he agrees but now it's just a matter of really actively moving forward with that. Regardless I will let her know I don't want them in our home while we are gone. dh works from 630 to 630 5x a week and he can't be home for the repairs. It all just seems weird to me that they are both coming for the pool when that could be contracted out.

 

 

They started school at 715 so in this case they will miss the 3 days. MIL will be sad to not see the boys, even if it's without abuser, but this isn't about her feelings. My son does not want to see this man ever again and I will do everything I can to ensure that happens. It's gonna be a long month!

 

Sure, she could hire it out, but that costs money.  You said you are getting a great deal, renting from her.  Do you want to pay higher rent to get it fixed?  Or you could just hire it out yourself, and let her know you fixed it, and thanks anyway.

 

I'm not sure why the MIL cannot see her grandchildren, as she didn't do anything and there hasn't been any legal action on this at all, unless I missed it.  If he has an order to stay away from children, he won't be around anyway. If not, couldn't you just see her? 

 

Anyway, just curious. 

 

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Make a hotel reservation and take the kids on vacation for the entire time your MIL will be visiting.

 

And stop living in her house, or have your dh handle all of the repairs so they don't need to visit you.

 

That's what I was thinking.  Just go away somewhere. 

 

Hotel...whatever.  if you absolutely cannot, then never ever never leave the kids alone with that guy.  Period....ever.  Have them in the room with you if he is in the house.  Or if he is going to be there at XYZ time, take the kids to the library or some place you can hang out at for awhile. 

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Just don't be home when they come to visit.  Your dh can be home to let them in or whatever is needed.  You don't have to make a big deal about why you aren't home.  

Your kids can miss a little bit of school.  

Take a PP's suggestion and find a national park or other interesting destination, and have a little road trip.  Or visit friends or relatives.  It sounds like your MIL is unlikely to ever accept what you are trying to tell her.  Give up trying to convince her.  You don't need her permission to bug out and avoid her visits.  Just do it.

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I posted about a year ago about my son being inappropriately touched by his grandmas husband on the couch while we were all present. We have not seen this man in over 3 years and he lives out of state. My partners mom has always visited us a couple times a year since moving in 2010 but since the incident he for whatever reason has not tagged along with her to visit.

 

However he has come to our state 2x recently that I know of to visit on his own to help his ex wife clear her moms home and fix stuff around her house. Last year he visited our home when the outside was being painted and I didn't know until last minute so I panicked but managed to avoid having him enter our home and garage. I posted about all of this so I don't want to go into that again.

 

PROBLEM now is that last week I got a call from mil and she asked if my dh told me they were coming into town. NOPE. I waited a few days to see if he would tell me, didn't say a word. Well I finally confronted him calmly and asked him when he was going to tell me his mom and her husband were coming to town. He didn't really know any details only that they were coming the 25th of this month. Mil told me they would be staying in a hotel "since the boys are bigger now". I was totally thrown off guard.

 

They are coming out because we rent her old home and the pool needs to be drained&repaired. She had been talking for 6 months about getting it fixed but I didn't know she needed to travel from out of state to take of it. He's great at repairing so I can only assume she's having him fix some of it. I really don't know anything other than that they will be here for 5 days.

 

I told my man that we will not be around and that there is no way he is going to see them so he needs to talk to his mom. He called her over the weekend and told her what was up and said we don't feel comfortable having X around the boys. She said "well that's not going to work". She is still in denial and has known about this incident for a solid year now. She does not want to talk to him about it but he told her she needs to even though she doesn't want to. I told DH he is going to have to talk to him as well because he needs to know we believe something happened and there's one strike and he's out. He can deny all he wants which I assume he will but that's not changing anything for me.

 

What makes me upset is that she planned all of this without even asking us about the dates. She simply said we'll be out on x date to her son. I think she still holds hope that we can put this behind us but there is no way I am backing down on this. She even told dh she wants to talk to our son (9) and when he told me that I told him hell no! If she wants to talk she can talk to me.

 

We're talking about a situation that happened like 3+ years ago when our son was 6 or 7 and our youngest is now 6 so there's just no way I am risking anything, even if there's like 10% chance that it being a misunderstanding, like mil insists it to be. MIL is in denial, I can understand, but my son said the touching made him feel "warm" so I don't care what she says. Hugs can feel warm too but this was not a hug, this was a few squeezes to the penis over his pants.

 

I asked our son how he would feel if he ever had to see him and he said "nervous, uncomfortable". That right there is enough. He was forgiving though and said well maybe it would be okay it's up to you. DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.

 

I am staying firm on this and bracing myself for mil to call me and try to talk me into agreeing to let the boys be around them while they do the repairs. In my brain I don't even understand why they need to be here but whatever.

 

I don't know what advice I am looking for, but I just needed to get this out and look forward to reading the responses.

Today you posted that your son was "6 or 7" when the original incident occurred, but your post from last year says he was "around 4 or so."

 

Not for anything, but if this was such a huge and traumatic experience for your family, I find it very odd that you don't even remember how old your son was when it happened. This seems like the kind of thing about which you would remember the exact details.

 

Your story isn't adding up. I looked up your old post because I kept thinking that you'd said your son was much younger when the incident occurred, and it turns out I was correct about what you'd posted last year. Also, why did you create a new username when you visited the forum under your old username just a few weeks ago? You posted under your old username back in December, as well. You seem very nice, but I really don't understand what's going on.

 

I'm very confused.

 

This was your original post and I'm hoping you can explain the discrepancies. I'm sure we would all like to help you, but we can't do that if we don't know the true story.

 

So when my son was around 4 he says he was touched over his pants. It was like a little grab he said, and he showed me. Can't remember all the details but he knows enough to know it was not okay, and that there's no reason a man should even have hands there. This came up when I asked the kids if anyone has ever touched them inappropriately before, and my oldest said only one person.

 

Anyways, for the last 5 years they have lived out of state and we have only seen the man a few times, since it’s usually only grandma who comes to visit. I think they came out once or twice at the most together.

 

NOW, This all is coming to light again because he's coming to town for 2 weeks and though he wont be staying with us, he will be over a couple times to fix things in the yard before the house gets painted.

 

To make matters worse, I had to hear he was coming out from MY mom of all people. She called me concerned that he'd be staying with us, and I was like I didn't even know he was coming. DH told my mom and not me because he knew i'd get all worked up about his visit and that he only told my mom since his mom wanted to know if her husband could borrow my grandpas old truck.

 

The next day, I meant to text my mom to tell her I was upset at dh about this whole situation. It ended up that I had texted my MI!. I was having a moment and not thinking, just reacting and being emotional and feeling of powerless. But I think god had a hand in this because it's been eating me up. I never had the courage to tell mil back when my son first shared this horrible info with me. With them being out of state, my dh and I decided that it wasn't worth talking about, right then.

 

So MIL replied to my texts and said "he would never hurt the boys, he loves them as his own grandkids and says he always says how disgusted he is with people who take advantage of kids! " I was shocked when I realized i texted her, instead of my own mom. Of course now she wants to talk and I still don't want to.

 

She's mortified and offended that I even think these things about him. Honestly I don’t even know what to say, but I feel a bit better knowing she knows and that I am not walking around with some "secret".

 

Now when he's here in a couple weeks I am sure it will be awkward. Please help, I don't know what do..besides just ride this out and never allow my son to be alone with him, ever.

Edited by Catwoman
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For all the posters who are outraged, I am surprised. I think this is a really typical pedophile situation. The woman he is married to believes him to be a great guy, she is sure it is either a misunderstanding or the mom is a nut job and framing her wonderful man. That happens with pedophiles A LOT. They work very hard to put a good face out there to the world. Only their victims see them for who they are. The OP's dh doesn't want to completely lose his relationship with his mother, and he is trying to hold onto that in spite of his mother's husband. Again, very few people cut off parents. We have seen lots of threads were people are terrified to cut off destructive people from their lives no matter what they have done. The wife of the pedophile still has a happy family fantasy that she doesn't want to let go of. 

 

The OP really cannot leave her children's father without fear that he will continue to expose them to this man because his mother pressures him to, or because he will use his mother for babysitting and she doesn't believe her husband to be a pedophile. Most pedophiles are reported lots of times but not caught because too many well meaning people don't like to believe the truth. When truth is uncomfortable many people run from it. That seems to be human nature of lots of people. Also, since they were never married it is LIKELY the dad will get joint custody and be able to do whatever he wants. Proving abuse in family court is HARD. 

 

The whole situation is not that shocking. What the OP has to accept is that she has be be the bottom line for her kid's security. Going to school is not worth potential exposure to a molester, but she is over thinking things. She's been under a lot of stress. It's typical. 

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Just don't be home when they come to visit.  Your dh can be home to let them in or whatever is needed.  You don't have to make a big deal about why you aren't home.  

 

Your kids can miss a little bit of school.  

 

Take a PP's suggestion and find a national park or other interesting destination, and have a little road trip.  Or visit friends or relatives.  It sounds like your MIL is unlikely to ever accept what you are trying to tell her.  Give up trying to convince her.  You don't need her permission to bug out and avoid her visits.  Just do it.

 

:iagree:

 

I get that this is a HUGE deal and you want to protect your dc from this man. Until you are out from under their roof, there will be times that this type of thing comes up (repairs being necessary). It's unlikely that your MIL will ever contract out the job as she won't want to pay that kind of money. You just need to know ahead of time and make sure you and the kids are gone. Where you go and for how long can be based upon how much time the abuser will be around.

 

I hear you saying that you and your partner are on the same page with this, so I can't see any reason for you to leave him, for goodness sakes! Just beat cheeks when abuser is around and continue to work on plans to get your own place so you don't have to deal with this stress.

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Sure, she could hire it out, but that costs money.  You said you are getting a great deal, renting from her.  Do you want to pay higher rent to get it fixed?  Or you could just hire it out yourself, and let her know you fixed it, and thanks anyway.

 

I'm not sure why the MIL cannot see her grandchildren, as she didn't do anything and there hasn't been any legal action on this at all, unless I missed it.  If he has an order to stay away from children, he won't be around anyway. If not, couldn't you just see her? 

 

Anyway, just curious. 

 

She can and has seen them. This will be the first time where she may potentially not be able to, really depends and If she sees them it will be without her husband and both of us parents around.

 

Just don't be home when they come to visit.  Your dh can be home to let them in or whatever is needed.  You don't have to make a big deal about why you aren't home.  

 

Your kids can miss a little bit of school.  

 

Take a PP's suggestion and find a national park or other interesting destination, and have a little road trip.  Or visit friends or relatives.  It sounds like your MIL is unlikely to ever accept what you are trying to tell her.  Give up trying to convince her.  You don't need her permission to bug out and avoid her visits.  Just do it.

DH will be at work m-w when they will still be in town. If they need access to the yard, so be it but we won't be here and home will be locked.

 

Today you posted that your son was "6 or 7" when the original incident occurred, but your post from last year says he was "around 4 or so."

 

Not for anything, but if this was such a huge and traumatic experience for your family, I find it very odd that you don't even remember how old your son was when it happened. This seems like the kind of thing about which you would remember the exact details.

 

Your story isn't adding up. Also, why did you create a new username when you visited the forum under your old username last month?

 

I'm very confused.

 

This was your original post and I'm hoping you can explain the discrepancies. I'm sure we would all like to help you, but we can't do that if we don't know the true story.

 

The brain has interesting ways of coping with trauma. You would THINK dates would stick out but they don't for me. It's more a feeling in time that I can only recall. Unless I go back and look through pictures I don't the exact dates of his last visit off the top of my head and I really don't care to go through those images right now. So yes maybe my ages are off.

 

I had to create a new username because I can't log into my old account and that email I used back when I signed up is no longer used due to hacking so I can't get into it to resent a password. Find all the discrepancies you want. I know something happened and at the end of the day that is all that matters.

 

As for grandma, well yes she did nothing but if anyone is siding with abuser it is her, not my dh, she is the one in denial, not us. But now she knows we are both firm on him not seeing our boys so we are giving her the benefit of talking to him first before dh jumps in. At some point he will wonder why he can't see the boys and well since he hasn't seen them in years and he truly wants to on this visit, he will learn why that will never ever be allowed.

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The brain has interesting ways of coping with trauma. You would THINK dates would stick out but they don't for me. It's more a feeling in time that I can only recall. Unless I go back and look through pictures I don't the exact dates of his last visit off the top of my head and I really don't care to go through those images right now. So yes maybe my ages are off.

 

I had to create a new username because I can't log into my old account and that email I used back when I signed up is no longer used due to hacking so I can't get into it to resent a password. Find all the discrepancies you want. I know something happened and at the end of the day that is all that matters.

Wow. That's so interesting to me because I would think that if their child had been molested, most people would remember every last detail of it for as long as they lived, especially when the molester was a trusted family member at the time. I can't imagine not even remembering what YEAR it was. I guess we're all different, though, right?

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I think you could simplify this.

 

1.  He must never see his stepGC again.

 

Period.

 

That's it!

 

From there, there are issues and strategies to consider, but that's the bottom line.

 

Issue:  Your child has offered to be forgiving and see the guy.

Strategy:  It's great to be forgiving, but children must be protected.  You can thank him but say that you're unwilling to allow an unsafe person near any of your kids.

 

Issue:  If your guy is unable to go to the mat on this and make it stick, then you are fairly stuck with him, because you can't control this unless you are still in a relationship, and you already know that he won't reliably let you know if the GF is going to be around, so you can't trust him with this, no way and no how.

Strategy:  Go to the police with your son, and file a report.  Try to get a restraining order.  That way it's out of your guy's hands.

 

Issue:  GMa is in denial about the situation.  

Strategy:  Let her know clearly with her son on the line that GF will not be in the same home with your children EVER, and that you are filing a police report.

 

Issue:  You're living in her house.

Strategy:  Move.  Now.

 

Issue:  Your kids will have to miss three days of school to avoid him.

Strategy:  Talk to the school about having a family trip, and ask for work to do while you're away.  Then go away and stay away. 

 

Issue:  You would like advice and reassurance regarding their visit.

Strategy:  Unfortunately we have no reassurance for you.  They must not have access to your children.

 

 

Edited by Carol in Cal.
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He won't cave in but yeah I think it's time to just go down there and make a report even if years have passed.

I know you said that you don't even remember the year in which the molestation occurred, and I know you said you don't want to think about it, but if you go to the police and tell them your son was molested when he was 4... or 5... or maybe it was when he was 6 years old... they won't believe your story and they won't view you as being credible.

 

I hate to say this, but if you're planning to file a police report, you're going to have to be specific because they will ask you a lot of questions.

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I don't recall reading about you all suggesting I get an attorney and press charges. We live minutes from a police station so I am prepared to wreck hell if my boundaries get pushed. My partner and I just celebrated 16 years together, we are 32, I am doing my best in what is a really crappy situation. I am not leaving him, he is not going to betray us and he is just as upset about this all happening. He believes our son, will protect him and is all for me leaving when his mom comes to take care of the repairs.

 

My partner will absolutely not sneak his boys to see his mom and step dad, we are on the same page. Trust me! Even if I did file a report chances of anything happening are slim because this happened years ago and there's no hard solid proof other than a little boys words. My mother and sister who are well versed in this agree as well that filing a report is extreme and he lives out of state so I don't know how all that works.

 

What I am doing is my absolute best and besides this I have a lot going on in my life. We are planning on moving. I have already started process of selling everything I possibly can. It's not the abusers home, it's his moms and she got a prenup when they got married, not that it makes a difference. For as long as my partner and I have been together, so have they so I know this man enough and had this never happened I would still not like him, but I would tolerate him as I always have. BUT NOW, I will not tolerate him at all and there is no wiggle room.

 

My grandparents have been staying at a hospital rehab center since first of January so when abuser and mil come in town I will be staying there. However, their home is an hour from my kids school so during the week we will need to be back home. Honestly though I predict that he won't even come out once she confronts him. I don't care that this goes against her happy vision for her life as a grandma. If I leave my man which would be super easy since we are not married, I would have zero control over who sees our kids when he is with them. You know? So please keep the words coming!

 

 

I remember the thread when you posted a year ago.

 

I do not believe charges would go anywhere in this case. I absolutely believe your son, and I am impressed that you believe him, too. Good for you for being proactive for your children! I am quite familiar with the court system, and there is not much of a case here.

 

So, that leaves you with two priorities, affirming your son and protecting your children:

 

--Affirm your son by NOT ever making him have contact with that man again. He has lost all relationship privileges for all time. Also, MIL is absolutely not allowed ever to discuss this with your son. She'll minimize and deny, and she will re-traumatize him. It is NOT in your son's best interest for anyone to continue rehashing this with him, so stop talking about it. Affirm your son by not questioning and by not allowing others to rake this all over the place again. (It sounds like that is what you want too--good for you.)

 

--Keep all your children safe by not having contact with that man. I'm really glad you have a place to go. Go there. I cannot see how you would ever manage to be in the home during the week when he is there--you will be in constant conflict with these people. There will be constant pressure to let this go or to make compromises on time together. You will be made to look like the hysterical one. 

 

 

 

Your mil does not believe anything happened, so she can do harm to your son's heart with her questioning and denial. Your mil will also not ever take any steps to protect children, whether your son or anyone else. Your partner does not want to stand up to his mom, and I think I remember from the previous thread that he had a friendly relationship with the abuser in the past. Your partner's tendency is to minimize or to think it won't happen again or that it's okay to be around this guy. It's not okay, so stand your ground.

 

The abuser will affirm with his dying breath that nothing ever happened and you are the crazy one. He will appear to be charming and "normal." Expect this. It is confusing for all of you, and it is confusing for your son. Remember that appearances are deceiving.

 

Do not discuss this any further with mil or her husband. There is nothing to be gained from elaborate discussions. Those are simply opportunities for them to wear you down and wheedle you into compromise.

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I think you could simplify this.

 

1.  He must never see his stepGC again.

 

Period.

 

That's it!

 

From there, there are issues and strategies to consider, but that's the bottom line.

 

Issue:  Your child has offered to be forgiving and see the guy.

Strategy:  It's great to be forgiving, but children must be protected.  You can thank him but say that you're unwilling to allow an unsafe person near any of your kids.

 

Issue:  If your guy is unable to go to the mat on this and make it stick, then you are fairly stuck with him, because you can't control this unless you are still in a relationship, and you already know that he won't reliably let you know if the GF is going to be around, so you can't trust him with this, no way and no how.

Strategy:  Go to the police with your son, and file a report.  Try to get a restraining order.  That way it's out of your guy's hands.

 

Issue:  GMa is in denial about the situation.  

Strategy:  Let her know clearly with her son on the line that GF will not be in the same home with your children EVER, and that you are filing a police report.

 

Issue:  You're living in her house.

Strategy:  Move.  Now.

 

Issue:  Your kids will have to miss three days of school to avoid him.

Strategy:  Talk to the school about having a family trip, and ask for work to do while you're away.  Then go away and stay away. 

 

Issue:  You would like advice and reassurance regarding their visit.

Strategy:  Unfortunately we have no reassurance for you.  They must not have access to your children.

 

 

I remember the thread when you posted a year ago.

 

I do not believe charges would go anywhere in this case. I absolutely believe your son, and I am impressed that you believe him, too. Good for you for being proactive for your children! I am quite familiar with the court system, and there is not much of a case here.

 

So, that leaves you with two priorities, affirming your son and protecting your children:

 

--Affirm your son by NOT ever making him have contact with that man again. He has lost all relationship privileges for all time. Also, MIL is absolutely not allowed ever to discuss this with your son. She'll minimize and deny, and she will re-traumatize him. It is NOT in your son's best interest for anyone to continue rehashing this with him, so stop talking about it. Affirm your son by not questioning and by not allowing others to rake this all over the place again. (It sounds like that is what you want too--good for you.)

 

--Keep all your children safe by not having contact with that man. I'm really glad you have a place to go. Go there. I cannot see how you would ever manage to be in the home during the week when he is there--you will be in constant conflict with these people. There will be constant pressure to let this go or to make compromises on time together. You will be made to look like the hysterical one. 

 

 

 

Your mil does not believe anything happened, so she can do harm to your son's heart with her questioning and denial. Your mil will also not ever take any steps to protect children, whether your son or anyone else. Your partner does not want to stand up to his mom, and I think I remember from the previous thread that he had a friendly relationship with the abuser in the past. Your partner's tendency is to minimize or to think it won't happen again or that it's okay to be around this guy. It's not okay, so stand your ground.

 

The abuser will affirm with his dying breath that nothing ever happened and you are the crazy one. He will appear to be charming and "normal." Expect this. It is confusing for all of you, and it is confusing for your son. Remember that appearances are deceiving.

 

Do not discuss this any further with mil or her husband. There is nothing to be gained from elaborate discussions. Those are simply opportunities for them to wear you down and wheedle you into compromise.

These two posts.  Sums it all up.

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One more note on the police report--honestly, it's nearly useless at this point and has the potential to do more harm. You don't remember the dates. You don't have any physical evidence. The incident can easily be construed to be harmless tickling or wrestling. Filing a report means interviews. A restraining order is not likely to be approved because this man lives out of state and the incident is legally questionable and unprovable. If you opened a DCFS investigation, it would likely be unfounded.

 

In your shoes, I would not deal with all the messy officialdom. It will open the can of worms without providing the affirmation or protection your children need. It will force your son to re-hash the whole ugly thing with a caseworker. And it would likely affirm the abuser, who would use the case to "prove" he is innocent. So rather than filing any reports, just keep your kids away from this man. Be a wall. Set the rules and refuse to discuss it. 

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Your husband and your MIL have had a year to deal with this. If I were you, I would call her husband and tell him that you believe he molested your son and he will never be allowed to see him again. Don't explain, apologize or defend. End the conversation any time you feel like you've said all you need to say and have no interest in hearing more. Prepare for him to deny, be angry, guilt trip. Feel free not to listen to it, but hang up the phone. As a person who would literally be shaking if I had to make such a phone call, I understand how hard that might be. I would definitely down a Mike's hard lemonade or two. I would write out bullet points of what I needed to say. But I would make the call anyway.

See, I don't think you need to offer that man any more than a cold hard stare and a "You know what you did." Because it's not up for discussion. Opening a conversation only gives him the opportunity to deny, rationalize, beg for a second chance, whatever.

 

Frankly, I wouldn't even communicate with mil about a visit. Wouldn't tell her sorry, we won't be home. I'd just bug out and not be there when they arrived in town. They made plans without asking or telling you, turnabout is fair play.

 

One thing I think I remember being mentioned in the older thread - counseling for your son. Hopefully he has had a proper outlet to process what happened to him.

 

And pack your boxes and get out of that house. You can rent anywhere, even if it's more expensive your boys' safety is worth it. I'd be concerned the old man is coming back for younger son this time.

Edited by Seasider
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Grandma is willing to protect a pedophile, so she should not be allowed access to your kids, even if pedophile is not present.

 

You need to move out ASAP.

 

Make sure that everyone in your husband's extended family knows what happened, so that all the kids in the family can be kept safe.

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I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - as long as you rent a house she owns - you will have to deal with this.  she's not going to think he's guilty of any wrong doing, she's loyal to him.  for her to admit he did anything wrong also requires her to admit to other people (and him) she married a creep.  most people would rather live in denial. 

 

the option I can see is take your kids and go visit someone else while they're here.  I realize that's very inconvenient for you, but it keeps your kids 100% safe.

 

I would also suggest start figuring out how to get out of a house she owns so you don't have to deal with this.

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op - I too remember the thread from last year.   I'm hearing a lot of outraged talk from you, but not much in the way of actual action.  if you want to be taken seriously - you need serious action.   bottom line, move out of that house.  your mil doesn't believe you, and will side with her husband. how good a deal the rent is, is NOT worth the worry about your children's safety.

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Just wanted to say that unless your kid is in high school, teachers/administrators can fuss and whine and threaten all they want, but unless you go above the limit on unexcused absences, there is very little they can do otherwise. Missing 3 days of school should not be a problem, unless there are other unexcused absences. He can catch up.

 

So, yeah, pull out the credit card and take the kids somewhere while they're at the house. Draw that line and stick with it. No one, especially your mil, is going to take you seriously unless you put power behind your words.  :grouphug:

 

And while you're gone, set a definitive "move out" date.

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Just wanted to say that unless your kid is in high school, teachers/administrators can fuss and whine and threaten all they want, but unless you go above the limit on unexcused absences, there is very little they can do otherwise. Missing 3 days of school should not be a problem, unless there are other unexcused absences. He can catch up.

 

So, yeah, pull out the credit card and take the kids somewhere while they're at the house. Draw that line and stick with it. No one, especially your mil, is going to take you seriously unless you put power behind your words.  :grouphug:

 

And while you're gone, set a definitive "move out" date.

 

^^^ This was meant to be encouraging and empowering, a  :thumbup1: you-can-do-this! :thumbup1:  pep talk. I'm not sure that my tone came across like that.  :glare:

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DH doesn't see how we can avoid him forever but I told him we'll manage.

 

 

Really?

 

Spell it out for your DH: there's. no. way. any. of. the. kids. will. ever. be. around. that. man.

 

EVER. (And I wouldn't leave them alone with the MIL either because she's not trustworthy to make good decisions.)

 

See? That's how you and the kids avoid him. It's just that simple. Pandering and pussy footing around these people is ridiculous. (Sadly, it's always the victims of the perpetrators who wring their hands, not wanting to be rude etc. etc. I did it for a long time too so I know it when I see it.)

 

I don't mean to be rude to you at all, but your MIL is in denial: definitely. But so is your DH.

 

Hang in there. Mama bears are incredibly strong. Go mama bear on this situation. (Just like you're doing.)

 

Alley

 

 

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OP, you stayed , and it didn't work out since your child 's abusers apologists are hovering . You really should move.

 

Just wanted to say that unless your kid is in high school, teachers/administrators can fuss and whine and threaten all they want, but unless you go above the limit on unexcused absences, there is very little they can do otherwise. Missing 3 days of school should not be a problem, unless there are other unexcused absences. He can catch up.

 

So, yeah, pull out the credit card and take the kids somewhere while they're at the house. Draw that line and stick with it. No one, especially your mil, is going to take you seriously unless you put power behind your words. :grouphug:

 

And while you're gone, set a definitive "move out" date.

Missing above the number of excused absences doesn't really matter either. You get a letter, is what happens . The truant officer isn't visiting for the kid unless there is lots of absences and suspicious on abuse .

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Step 1:  Go through any old photos or anything else you have and figure out the exact dates the original incident happened.

 

Step 2:  Go get your son from school and take him to the police station to file a report during the day.  Explain the situation, and that even though unprovable, explain that the child's father "Doesn't think it's possible to keep child away from the pedophile," and ask for your legal rights given state laws, marital status, length of time ago this happened, age of child at the time, etc.  At the very least, you'll get a copy of a police report.  At the other end of the spectrum, and depending on which detective you get and your state's laws, you might get a restraining order that keeps your children away from this man.  Will that trigger some drama and ensure you'll move sooner?  Yes.  Who cares.

 

Note:  Most pedophiles are charming people who abuse hundreds or thousands of children.  Consider it a moral duty to file a police report even if you are certain nothing will come of it.  It's possible this man has had multiple complaints filed against him, and when several complaints are made by different people a surprising number of DA's will have an attitude change about prosecution.

 

Step 3:  Go into your child's school office, ask to speak to either the school principal or guidance counselor (without the children), explain exactly what is going on and that you need to make arrangements to be away for a while to keep your children safe.  They'll find an exception and make accommodations for you to take all the children out of town.

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