Homeschooling stigma & judgement

[sandydawn]

We have a dinner date planned for Saturday night so that'll be a good, relaxing time to sit down and chat without the stresses around us.  I'm going to try to have a heart to heart and we will see how it goes.  I keep texting positive things about homeschooling and he isn't really responding to those, only other things - haha!  He really cares about the kids so I'm hoping he can open his heart to my point of view.  I totally agree that Kindergarten should be mainly play with creative learning attached, but he is of differing opinion I suppose.  It makes it hard but I know marriage & parenting hold a lot of compromise.  But I also feel that because I am the one getting up with DS daily, putting him to bed daily, and seeing first hand his attitude towards school - he should at least be open to listening whole heartedly to my opinion on the situation.

 

I've completely ceased talking about it with anyone else as I'm finding they are not being super supportive, so we're going to focus on the core family decision at this point and when we make our decision, just tell the family. :)

Edited February 7, 2017 by sandydawn

[8filltheheart]

What does he believe the goals of K are? Id start there.

[HS Mom in NC]

Congratulations, you've now identified the people in your life who don't respect you or your parenting decisions. Be aware of this moving forward. If they are family members, be aware that they may try to undercut you with your children. Establish your boundaries and take the respect you deserve as the parent of your child.

Pure gold.

[HS Mom in NC]

My posts are about looking dealing with reality.  Even when homeschooling is a good fit for a family, there can be hard realities to deal with, so please interpret my posts as preparing you, not discouraging you. I think there are underlying family dynamics you might need to address because homeschooling is family dynamics on steroids for all homeschoolers.  They will pop up again and again if not addressed.

 

 If they already don't believe in me, how will I do it?

 

Those of us who have successfully homeschool do so because of our hard work and diligence, not because anyone believed in us.  I find this question odd coming from an adult. 

 

All the other comments sadly came from my father and, yes... my husband.  My husband is very, very worried about this decision and can be a bit downgrading in his commentary to me.  He has always thought I have been overprotective and coddling, so it just comes naturally that he would question this decision I'm trying to make.  To be fair to him as well; he's told me that he trusts my instincts and will support whatever I do choose to do.  But I know how he feels "underneath" it all.

 

Make it clear that if he's going to agree to you homeschooling then he can't sabotage it during the challenging parts with, "I told you so" and "I knew this would happen" and the like.  His job is to be all in while it's happening and that means taking a genuinely positive, supportive role in words and deeds. He's free to state his goals and concerns in reasonable, respectful ways, and take part in the schooling, but snark and sour grapes aren't acceptable.  If that has been supportive and you opt later to put a child in school, that's fine.  If he doesn't do that, then he's sabotaging you either intentionally or unintentionally and that's disrespectful to a spouse and the kids. You need to establish some clear expectations of how you two will operate as a team on this for however long you do it.

 

And, it was my dad who called me selfish. He loves me a lot and didn't mean harm;

 

Calling someone selfish for wanting to provide an education for their child is harmful.  Someone who genuinely means not to do harm would simply ask pertinent questions and respect your decision. 

 

but he's of the camp that assumes the only good way for my son to get proper socialization and education is the public school, which I heavily disagree with.  He called me selfish because I truly enjoy spending time with my kids and he thinks I'm "holding them back" because I am not letting them "into the world" - he wouldn't listen to me when I told him that they would be involved in all kinds of social events, extracurricular activities and two homeschool programs at our local nature centers.

 

People who don't listen to reasonable explanations are themselves, unreasonable people. Don't bother trying to convince him.

 

 He is also the one who assumes that my children won't listen to me because I often call a bit overwhelmed with my two crazy boys that do test their boundaries at times.  But what child doesn't?

 

I've never heard of an adult parent calling their own parent overwhelmed with normal parenting.  If my adult child did that I would have to wonder of homeschooling was going to work out too because it's not within my frame of reference as normal parent to grandparent interactions.  Are you part of an American subculture outside the mainstream?  Are you from another country?  I'm not saying it's odd to be overwhelmed.  What is odd is you "often call overwhelmed..." to your parents.  I don't think that's a typical adult child to grandparent relationship dynamic and it's certainly not going to be helpful if you're homeschooling while dad is against it.

 

How are you children at listening to you?  Homeschooling is pretty much telling kids what to do, how to do it and when to do it unless they're highly motivated self learners.  Then you have to tell them to do chores so you're not the only one doing them.  Then you have to tell them when they can have screen time.  Then you tell them when to get ready to leave for out of the house activities. If they aren't obeying you now, it's unlikely they will start with academic instructions and assignments unless you make some changes in your parenting techniques and consistently apply them.

 

  If your father is assuming this with no history of your children disobeying you, then he's just being a pain.  Ignore his nonsense.

 

 That being said, he also fought me on the two names of my sons (nature themed and not necessarily "classic" names) and really doesn't like anything out of the box.  I should NOT have asked his opinion.  Even so, it left me feeling really sad.

 

That's outrageous behavior for a grandparent.  Clearly he has boundary issues.  If you don't have a history of identifying his over stepping and enforcing boundaries with him, I suggest you seek out a family counselor who can help you with strategies and techniques to deal with it.  Your husband should be completely on board with you enforcing boundaries and willing to back you up when your father starts that nonsense.

 

You're an adult.  Children ask.  Adults tell.  If you have a habit of asking people what they think about what you're doing, it's time to stop.  (I know someone like that.) Instead of, "What do you think of homeschooling?  We're planning on doing that with the kids." When the topic of the kids starting school comes up, you should simply state in a pleasant tone, "We'll be homeschooling the kids." Don't ask what someone thinks about it because their opinion isn't relevant.  Then you move on to other topics sending the clear message that the topic isn't open for debate.  If they ask a reasonable question without any negativity you simply answer the question asked in a pleasant tone.  Then move on to another topic.

 

 

I'm glad MOST of you haven't had any of these comments said; it really encourages me.  And for those of you who have also dealt with it - your advice is sound.  I've realized I can't ask for other's advice and need to make this decision on my own (and with my husband) and not worry about what others think.  My mom is one of my true supporters and is encouraging me to follow my heart.  You all seem to be doing the same and you've lifted my spirit tonight, so I thank you times a MILLION.  I will be reading and re-reading these comments to continue to encourage myself!

 

THANK YOU ALL :)  xoxoxo

 

[HS Mom in NC]

There are meetings to attend about homeschool in our area; and I have a playdate with a close friend who homeschools her children next week to ask about a few things.  Honestly, I think what would get him on board would be to see all the social interaction we'd be involved with, and meeting with the families to realize how increasingly common it is to homeschool.

 

Our relationship is a bit different than many; he's a pilot and gone for weeks at a time, so I have taken on almost 100% of the child rearing.  When he's home, he still doesn't really do "much" other than a few good dad bear hugs and kisses, and a mini golf game or two.  We both agreed to it and have no problems with it, but because of that, it does leave me to make most of the parenting decisions for the kids.  And there are times he's resistant (he had a not so great upbringing and really struggled in school, which you'd think would help - but he's of the belief that kids need to "struggle" to toughen up), but he usually comes around and praises what I do.

 

So he's not a very involved dad when he's around but he really wants the kids to learn to be men?  Whose job does he think that is? Why doesn't he do manly things with the kids when he is around?  Teach them to start a fire from flint and steel and pitch a tent.  Play sports with them.  Hike in the woods with them.  Teach them to fish.  Teach them to hunt.  Show them to maintain their bikes.  Do household maintenance with them.  Race remote controlled cars.  Use a compass.  Shoot a gun or a bow and arrow (start with toys and work up to the real things when they're ready for it.) Throw darts.  Build go carts.  Do yard work.  Launch rockets.  Build with construction toys. Learn survival skills.  Take a martial art from a good school.

 

Read aloud books about explorers, pioneers, military personnel, survivors, inventors, real cowboys, sailors, vikings, knights, adventurers, entrepreneurs.

 

I think the reason I was mainly feeling upset was - yes, my husband has gone from indifferent to opposing and back and forth - but if my other family members and friends also strongly disagree, it will be incredibly challenging - I need to know that people have faith and confidence in this endeavor.

 

But there's no guarantee you'll get that.  Plenty of people have homeschooled with none of that and still succeeded.  You need to stop telling yourself you need that and reconcile to yourself that you'll never get it.  You can't control other people, you can only control yourself.  You can do it because others have done it and resources abound.

 

Spend your time researching homeschooling.  Start by looking into phonics, what it is, how it's taught, how phonic curricula compare, objective research on its long term effectiveness, how wide the range of developmental readiness can be. Learn from other homeschoolers how they taught their kids to read in spite of learning challenges that way if you run into a problem you already know where to go for help.

 

Learn about math curricula.  What are people using and why?  How do manipulatives work and help.  What's the role of memorization?  What are different techniques people use in the early years?

 

 

Again - all of your insight is truly priceless.  Can't thank you all enough.

 

[HomeAgain]

You can also explain to your husband that 30 years ago, his kindergarten looked a lot different.  There were toys, rest time, a focus on social interaction.  The academic goals were much less, there was no testing, and probably was even a half day.  In short, more developmentally appropriate than what passes for a "child's garden" today.

[8filltheheart]

You can also explain to your husband that 30 years ago, his kindergarten looked a lot different.  There were toys, rest time, a focus on social interaction.  The academic goals were much less, there was no testing, and probably was even a half day.  In short, more developmentally appropriate than what passes for a "child's garden" today.

You stated this so nicely.  I had typed out a response earlier today and deleted it b/c it sounded too harsh. :)

[sandydawn]

To Homeschool Mom in AZ, you said:

 

"Those of us who have successfully homeschool do so because of our hard work and diligence, not because anyone believed in us.  I find this question odd coming from an adult. "

 

I am an adult.  Maybe I'm an odd adult, but adult I am.  Although I do think I've got a bit of a childlike wonder ;) --- I merely meant that if people don't believe in my homeschooling practices, it will be very hard for me to succeed - most agree my DH needs to be on board because this isn't just a simple task!  It's a lifestyle & a commitment, and I need support.

 

"I've never heard of an adult parent calling their own parent overwhelmed with normal parenting.  If my adult child did that I would have to wonder of homeschooling was going to work out too because it's not within my frame of reference as normal parent to grandparent interactions.  Are you part of an American subculture outside the mainstream?  Are you from another country?  I'm not saying it's odd to be overwhelmed.  What is odd is you "often call overwhelmed..." to your parents.  I don't think that's a typical adult child to grandparent relationship dynamic and it's certainly not going to be helpful if you're homeschooling while dad is against it."

 

Yes, I live in the US and if I"m part of a subculture "outside the mainstream" then so be it.  I don't think I am, but I definitely march to the beat of my own drum.  My husband is a pilot and I am raising the kids most often alone; and when I have a baby screaming, or a toddler having a temper tantrum, or I have had no sleep because the babies were up all night - or what have you - I need to vent.  My parents (my mom) and I are very close, and I call her at least twice a day, because she's my friend.  So, like any normal parent, I do get overwhelmed, and I do need to vent.  I haven't met a mother who hasn't been overwhelmed with having small children.  It's a rite of passage and I'm happy to be knee deep in it, but yes, I call my parents when I get overwhelmed.  I haven't met someone yet who doesn't do that.  Except maybe you!

 

"You're an adult.  Children ask.  Adults tell.  If you have a habit of asking people what they think about what you're doing, it's time to stop."

 

I think we probably just have different personalities.  I do tend to ask others opinions, and yes, my children ask a lot - and I tell them to do a lot - but we also communicate effectively and I get down on their level and ask THEM a lot, too.  I am the adult and I make the final call, but I really care about what they think and yes, others too - maybe to a fault, but that's who I am.

 

As far as the rest of your advice, I appreciate it!!  And there is that chance that my husband may never change his views, but if that is the case - we'll need to take a different direction, because I can't just toss aside his feelings either.  No matter how strong mine are.  But, I think we'll get there together.  I sure hope so at least :)  

 

 

 

[sandydawn]

People believe what they can see. Quit telling people who don't need to know (you and dh) and if dh has agreed then just go do it and quit talking to him about it too. Talk to us, talk to your homeschooling friends. Dh's like to fix things and sometimes we process out loud and they think we are asking them to fix something. Don't confuse the man.

 

Hahaha!  This is so good, and you're right :).  Spot on.  Once he agrees I will likely just go do my "thing" and he'll probably never question it again.

 

And I agree whole heartedly with you all on the Kindergarten curriculum and how it has changed.  We actually did a "Young 5's" program just so our son could not have to do full days, every day, so young.  I am a true believer in the importance of "play" in a child's education.  They won't learn a thing if they are tired, stressed and overwhelmed.  Exploring is where they get curious, and curiosity is where they learn!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I hope that your dh does come around and agrees to a trial run next year.  But if he doesn't, perhaps you could look for a Montessori school that might be a gentler more hands on school experience for your son.

[HS Mom in NC]

To Homeschool Mom in AZ, you said:

 

"Those of us who have successfully homeschool do so because of our hard work and diligence, not because anyone believed in us.  I find this question odd coming from an adult. "

 

I am an adult.  Maybe I'm an odd adult, but adult I am.  Although I do think I've got a bit of a childlike wonder ;) --- I merely meant that if people don't believe in my homeschooling practices, it will be very hard for me to succeed - most agree my DH needs to be on board because this isn't just a simple task!  It's a lifestyle & a commitment, and I need support.

 

Yes, people did say your husband needs to be on board, so did I. Yet just about every single post in this thread either directly or indirectly said you need to get over needing approval from other people.  You just told us, "f people don't believe in my homeschooling practices, it will be very hard for me to succeed." Do you think we're all wrong when we tell that you don't need their approval to succeed? If you insist that approval is required from people other than your spouse to succeed, then I have to tell you that you're probably not a good candidate for homeschooling.  There is no guarantee people will approve and you're making yourself dependent on their approval.  You should either change your mindset or seek out other education options.

 

 

"I've never heard of an adult parent calling their own parent overwhelmed with normal parenting.  If my adult child did that I would have to wonder of homeschooling was going to work out too because it's not within my frame of reference as normal parent to grandparent interactions.  Are you part of an American subculture outside the mainstream?  Are you from another country?  I'm not saying it's odd to be overwhelmed.  What is odd is you "often call overwhelmed..." to your parents.  I don't think that's a typical adult child to grandparent relationship dynamic and it's certainly not going to be helpful if you're homeschooling while dad is against it."

 

Yes, I live in the US and if I"m part of a subculture "outside the mainstream" then so be it.  I don't think I am, but I definitely march to the beat of my own drum.

 

I was wondering if you were first or second generations Asian because in some Asian cultures grandparents have far more control of their adult children than Westerners do.

 

 My husband is a pilot and I am raising the kids most often alone; and when I have a baby screaming, or a toddler having a temper tantrum, or I have had no sleep because the babies were up all night - or what have you - I need to vent.  My parents (my mom) and I are very close, and I call her at least twice a day, because she's my friend.  So, like any normal parent, I do get overwhelmed, and I do need to vent.  I haven't met a mother who hasn't been overwhelmed with having small children.  It's a rite of passage and I'm happy to be knee deep in it, but yes, I call my parents when I get overwhelmed.  I haven't met someone yet who doesn't do that.  Except maybe you!

 

As I clearly stated, "  I'm not saying it's odd to be overwhelmed.  What is odd is you 'often call overwhelmed...' to your parents.  "  You have a parent that doesn't respect boundaries based on your description of him. He doesn't seem to see you as an adult perfectly within her rights to name her child without any input from him.  He doesn't treat you like a peer and I wonder if you were somehow sent the message that you shouldn't treat him as an equal, but rather you think you need to differ to his advice and input on matters that don't directly affect him and put up with his overstepping as though it's normal.  It's not.

 

He doesn't approve of your homeschooling.  Involving him directly or indirectly through mom in your daily frustrations will only fuel his fire.  You need to think about how you're going to change that pattern when you homeschool because we all run into frustrations balancing homeschooling, running a household, being married and all the other things each of us does.  I'm getting the impression you aren't really taking to heart how critically important the mindset is of not caring what others think that we recommend, and how completely different it is from your normal patterns of interaction and thinking seem to be, based on what you've posted. 

 

"You're an adult.  Children ask.  Adults tell.  If you have a habit of asking people what they think about what you're doing, it's time to stop."

 

I think we probably just have different personalities.  I do tend to ask others opinions, and yes, my children ask a lot - and I tell them to do a lot - but we also communicate effectively and I get down on their level and ask THEM a lot, too.  I am the adult and I make the final call, but I really care about what they think and yes, others too - maybe to a fault, but that's who I am.

 

The theme from the veterans here has been to change the mindset, "but I really care about what they think and yes, others too - maybe to a fault, but that's who I am." Until you decide to stop caring about what others think you're setting yourself up for a lot of future problems in your homeschooling journey. I know you think I'm being a jerk, don't worry, I've been called worse, but I really am trying to help you.  You have an odd extended family dynamic related to boundaries that you have to prepare yourself to deal with and you have to start thinking like a homeschooler so you can succeed at homeschooling.

 

As far as the rest of your advice, I appreciate it!!  And there is that chance that my husband may never change his views, but if that is the case - we'll need to take a different direction, because I can't just toss aside his feelings either.  No matter how strong mine are.  But, I think we'll get there together.  I sure hope so at least :)

 

[LMD]

So, is your dh actually likely to refuse?

 

Simplify this, you don't need all the pro hs stats to convince him. You need to remind him that he trusts you and that you're on the same team.

 

What would he say if you said:

 

"honey, I really believe that homeschooling would be a great choice for us and I want to try for k/1st. I trust that you have insight into what our children need to grow into the people we BOTH hope they will be. I need you to believe the same about me. Can we discuss some things that would help you to feel confident in a trial year of homeschooling?"

[sandydawn]

Homeschool Mom in AZ: No, I don't think you're being a jerk.  I appreciate you being straight forward with me; and I agree with most of what you're saying.  Thank you for it!

 

And my dh isn't likely to refuse.  He would agree to it if I told him it was what I needed to do.  It's more just getting him on board mentally!

[shawthorne44]

I agree.  And that's a huge part of why I feel so disheartened.  We've had conversations leading up to this where he was agreeing with me; and just today he started saying all these things, which lead me to call my parents and ask for THEIR advice.  A total chain reaction that caused me to feel defeated and saddened.  So, maybe I should change the topic to: how to follow this path when you have a spouse who isn't completely on board. :)

 

I wonder if maybe your DH mentioned homeschooling to someone else, and they dumped a bunch of negative homeschooling ideas on him?  

 

It doesn't sound like he'd oppose you, so just make sure that you do a good job at homeschooling.   Do lots of research in the meantime and figure out how you plan to start.  Also, maybe make it a regular thing to show daddy something he'd done that day.  

[PeterPan]

nt 

 

Edited February 8, 2017 by OhElizabeth

[PeterPan]

nt 

 

Edited February 8, 2017 by OhElizabeth

[sandydawn]

Originally I posted this topic just to kind of get the feel of how you all dealt with negative comments from family, friends and community.  It's reassuring to me that you say they're not all that common and maybe I'm just dealing with a bunch of crazies, but I do think my community is relatively closed minded.  The friends I have told haven't all been as rude as the comments I posted in the original post, but they've all kind of scratched their heads and said "huh"?  I will not decide what to do on what people think; but I did wonder what the best way to approach it would be.

 

I didn't expect this to turn into a feed about how I don't believe in myself, haha!  But maybe I don't enough to be strong enough to be a homeschooler.  I mean, yes, I am worried about this - it's new to me, I've heard a lot of negativity, and I'm not sure I will be able to succeed.  Is that me not believing in myself?  I don't know.  Maybe.

 

All I know is that I have this spot in my heart, if it's God, seeing my son struggle, if it's my belief in how I think education can be inspiring, fun and personalized - I don't know.  But it's a desire in my heart and I need to explore it.

 

Thanks again guys.  I really appreciate all of it, even the constructive comments.  Helps me to think this all through!

[PeterPan]

When do you have to decide? Do you have to notify in your state? Maybe you'll have some time to mull things, maybe go to a homeschool convention...

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Um...I disagree with a lot of the psychoanalysis, FWIW. It's just so presumptive and unnecessary. In the first place, I think we can tell you generally that there are some tips and tricks to shutting out the critics, but I don't carry that over into trying to assume we know so much about you, personally. In the second place, homeschooling is a job in which you grow your skills and your backbone at the same time. You don't really have to "be" or "become" anything before you start. You can just start. You are enough.

 

Most of us who have been homeschooling for 20 years or more, had no access to all of the information and opinions and online support that exist today, which (in my humble opinion) only overwhelm the newbies until they think they might not be able to do it! We had homeschooling conventions, a few books on the subject, IRL support groups if we were lucky, and a library card. We just got busy, not knowing any better than to believe we could totally do it. Those were the good old days!

 

:) I think you've got a good plan, and a good likelihood of success. Your Dh sounds like a decent guy who will just join the ranks of a million homeschool Dads who quickly see that it's a pretty good life. And your son sounds like a terrific candidate for homeschooling, and you sound like you'll be a perfectly adequate teacher. So good luck.

 

When we tell you to block out all the voices analyzing and criticizing you, feel free to block US out for doing the same darn thing.

 

[sandydawn]

Um...I disagree with a lot of the psychoanalysis, FWIW. It's just so presumptive and unnecessary. In the first place, I think we can tell you generally that there are some tips and tricks to shutting out the critics, but I don't carry that over into trying to assume we know so much about you, personally. In the second place, homeschooling is a job in which you grow your skills and your backbone at the same time. You don't really have to "be" or "become" anything before you start. You can just start. You are enough.

 

Most of us who have been homeschooling for 20 years or more, had no access to all of the information and opinions and online support that exist today, which (in my humble opinion) only overwhelm the newbies until they think they might not be able to do it! We had homeschooling conventions, a few books on the subject, IRL support groups if we were lucky, and a library card. We just got busy, not knowing any better than to believe we could totally do it. Those were the good old days!

 

:) I think you've got a good plan, and a good likelihood of success. Your Dh sounds like a decent guy who will just join the ranks of a million homeschool Dads who quickly see that it's a pretty good life. And your son sounds like a terrific candidate for homeschooling, and you sound like you'll be a perfectly adequate teacher. So good luck.

 

When we tell you to block out all the voices analyzing and criticizing you, feel free to block US out for doing the same darn thing.

 

Thank you so very much!   :wub:  

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited February 10, 2017 by --Kathy--

[shawthorne44]

I was pretty lucky on this front.   I'd had to sell DH on the idea before I was even pregnant.   I think the tipping point was when I pointed out that he'd really homeschooled himself in the evenings/night and then slept at school during the day.   My MIL hated the idea, but she is easy to brush off.   Like I told DH, if she is against it, it must be a good idea.  In fact, I've changed my mind about small issues when she agreed with me.  My parents took about a half hour to get used to the idea, and have been supportive since then.   They'd been paying attention to the public school's issues.  At my work, about 10% of the parents have homeschooled kids.  If you just look at the parents of school-aged kids it is more like 33%.   Work tends toward egg-heads.

 

But, back to the OP, I think the best thing is to tell everyone that you will homeschool first grade and then re-evaluate.   Be deliberate about including social time.  You can get lots of advice/research here.   Just don't let you kid play video games all day, or lock him in a basement.   Teach the basic skills, read-aloud, and leave plenty of time for play.  If your DH is still not convinced by the blossoming in your son, then maybe do a standardized test at the end.  

 

[8filltheheart]

Very true. I began in 1988 when there were very few resources, books, or groups. What drove me was that I never wanted to watch another of my children suffer through the public school system as my oldest had. I had no idea how hs'ing would help me avoid that suffering for my dc. All I knew was that I'd met and talked with an older hs mother who had done it successfully with her own kids, and, if she could do it, then so could I.

 

I did talk to my dh about it. All he really did was say that he had always hated school (all the way through his PhD work, too - THAT was a surprise :blink: ), and that he was fine with it. Mostly, though, he just didn't have a clue and turned the whole thing over to me. So off I went - oblivious, clueless, and totally committed. lol I wouldn't say he was 'on board' with it at all. He was indifferent, except when I rattled on and on about hs'ing - which he kind of grew to hate because I did it so much in those early years. Eventually, I got hold of myself and quit trying to get him to be as excited as I was about the whole thing. I think he was glad when I did that.

 

Good times, eh. ;)

Lol!! So true! My dh is absolutely, positively clueless as to what goes on in our homeschool--exactly the way he likes it. I tell him about as much of my day as he does me his day. The kids, otoh, can jabber away as much as they want to about things, just like any other kids. But, my dh would be bored to tears about any educational philosophy, methodology, course description discussion. People on these forums know way more about our school than he does!!

[Milknhoney]

Just a random thought - if you husband is a pilot, do you not have travel privileges with his airline? If you are homeschooling, you would have the opportunity to perhaps accompany him on some of his trips, allowing you more time together as a family. Visit museums and historical sights in the cities he flies into. What an educational experience that would be for the kids. What would he think of that?

 

Also, you could arrange your schedule so that you really buckle down and get a lot of schooling done when he's gone, and do a lighter load while he's home. (It's really hard to get school done when the dh is home anyway...) Again, so that he and the kids would be able to spend more time together as a family. Homeschooling is awesome in that it offers that kind of flexibility to adapt to particular family needs.

[sandydawn]

Just a random thought - if you husband is a pilot, do you not have travel privileges with his airline? If you are homeschooling, you would have the opportunity to perhaps accompany him on some of his trips, allowing you more time together as a family. Visit museums and historical sights in the cities he flies into. What an educational experience that would be for the kids. What would he think of that?

 

Also, you could arrange your schedule so that you really buckle down and get a lot of schooling done when he's gone, and do a lighter load while he's home. (It's really hard to get school done when the dh is home anyway...) Again, so that he and the kids would be able to spend more time together as a family. Homeschooling is awesome in that it offers that kind of flexibility to adapt to particular family needs.

 

That is a thought I've considered before!  He is a corporate pilot so we don't get miles though, so it'd have to be at our own expense (the kids & I) which would slow us down a bit ;)  But, he goes to pretty cool places for 1-2 weeks at a time and just sits there, so we'd get free lodging & lots of family time - plus a world full of knowledge & learning!  He would love that!

[sandydawn]

Small update; I know some of you suggested pulling my DS from K this year yet.  My main goal was to make it through this year and begin homeschooling in 1st grade, but I am struggling!  I can't tell if it's because I'm just excited to begin with him or if he SHOULD be pulled.

 

Yesterday he brought home a "math test" (keep in mind, were are in Kindergarten) and it was marked up like a high school test should be.  He was marked off for writing a 9 backwards, and not counting a triangle.  A big -6 sat on the top of the paper and was only labeled as "satisfactory."  I'm assuming he wasn't read the instructions because he knows what a triangle is and can easily count to much higher than 100, much less 3 or 4.  He's a whiz at math and is already doing multiplying/small division problems at home with me.  It rubbed me the wrong way, because what type of learning is this?  That he's "wrong" and "not smart"?  Luckily, he really didn't even look at it nor does he care, so I have to remember that it probably isn't affecting him.  Only me.

 

He has been crying every morning this week not wanting to go.  He gets home and is okay; he still says he doesn't like school but agrees to go the next day without much trouble.  That's what confuses me - is he just tired, or should I be listening more and just make an immediate change or stay the course?

 

I don't feel prepared, and clearly we still have some work to do on my hubby.  He agreed with me on the testing and overall seems to be softening to the idea.  I suppose I just want to be sure of what I'm "pitching"  :laugh: - school this year, or next?

 

Has anyone pulled a child mid-year, and if so, was it tough on your child?

[Mrs Twain]

I pulled my son out of school mid-year in 1st grade. It was so wonderful when I got him out. Then I was kicking myself for having waited so long to make that decision.

[Garga]

The things stopping you from pulling him out right now:

 

1. No materials prepared

2. Your dh

 

You can control #1. You can't quite control #2.

 

So, work on #1. For the next bit of time (however much you have), decide on what materials you'd use to teach him for the rest of the year. For each subject, come up with a plan and what you'd need to purchase. This can take a weekend, a week, 2 weeks-however much time you have to dedicate to it.

 

Then, while #1 is being handled, you can keep talking to DH and work on #2.

 

Then, if you really think you should pull him out, and if dh agrees, you'll be ready. Buy your materials after dh agrees so you haven't wasted the money. Include in your plan a week of reading books from the library while you wait for your stuff to arrive.

Edited February 10, 2017 by Garga

[OneStepAtATime]

The things stopping you from pulling him out right now:

 

1. No materials prepared

2. Your dh

 

You can control #1. You can't quite control #2.

 

So, work on #1. For the next bit of time (however much you have), decide on what materials you'd use to teach him for the rest of the year. For each subject, come up with a plan and what you'd need to purchase. This can take a weekend, a week, 2 weeks-however much time you have to dedicate to it.

 

Then, while #1 is being handled, you can keep talking to DH and work on #2.

 

Then, if you really think you should pull him out, and if dh agrees, you'll be ready. Buy your materials after dh agrees so you haven't wasted the money. Include in your plan a week of reading books from the library while you wait for your stuff to arrive.

Sage advice.

 

OP, listen to Garga.   :lol:

[Xahm]

We're looking at Kindergarten next year and waiting to hear the results of a school lottery to decide about homeschool (that's just to give you background so you don't mistakenly think I know anything). I recommend thinking about how you felt upon learning that you were going to become a parent. How did your husband feel? Did you have the same thoughts about needing family support, wondering whether you could handle such an immense responsibility? If so, I don't find it at all worrisome that you feel the same contemplating homeschooling. After all, you've been doing this parenting thing for a while now, and doing it well. I have 3 young ones with a husband who often has to travel (National Guard), so I understand relying on your mom for some of the things a typical woman relies on her husband for (venting, in this case). You may want to pay attention to whether you and your parents have moved to that peer-to-peer relationship rather than child-parent. Or maybe you have a mentee-mentor relationship. I think lots of possible dynamics can be good ones (just as lots can be bad), but I find it helpful to be cognizant of this and how it might affect what kinds of advice I get, how I should phrase questions, etc.

[sandydawn]

I like that advice.  I think pulling together some supplies and prepping would help me "stay busy" and feel a bit better so I know I"m prepared if we do decide to pull him.  And if not; I can use what I discovered now (at least the same type) for our year of 1st grade, because at this point it's looking like a definite for next year.

 

And yes, I am this way with most decisions in my life, and most certainly having our two babies - lots of thinking & discussing :).  And yes, you definitely understand my family dynamic if your husband travels that much, too.  I tend to vent maybe a bit too much; but over time have learned to word my questions differently or be careful what or how I say things.  Even after posting this week; I've changed my approach with my parents and somehow my mom is totally on board (and I've decided not to discuss with dad - and this is typical for him - don't ask him too much and just tell, he's very in the box).  As long as I tell her "this is what I want to do, and this is why" instead of "what do you think I should do?" --- it changed EVERYTHING.  So I appreciate all of your help with that!

Edited February 10, 2017 by sandydawn

[OneStepAtATime]

I like that advice.  I think pulling together some supplies and prepping would help me "stay busy" and feel a bit better so I know I"m prepared if we do decide to pull him.  And if not; I can use what I discovered now (at least the same type) for our year of 1st grade, because at this point it's looking like a definite for next year.

 

And yes, I am this way with most decisions in my life, and most certainly having our two babies - lots of thinking & discussing :).  And yes, you definitely understand my family dynamic if your husband travels that much, too.  I tend to vent maybe a bit too much; but over time have learned to word my questions differently or be careful what or how I say things.  Even after posting this week; I've changed my approach with my parents and somehow my mom is totally on board (and I've decided not to discuss with dad - and this is typical for him - don't ask him too much and just tell, he's very in the box).  As long as I tell her "this is what I want to do, and this is why" instead of "what do you think I should do?" --- it changed EVERYTHING.  So I appreciate all of your help with that!

:hurray:

[snowbeltmom]

 

Has anyone pulled a child mid-year, and if so, was it tough on your child?

 

I made the decision to homeschool when my kids were about 1/2 through their school year in the public school.  I really regret not pulling them out mid-year. 

 

Keeping my child in the public school was tough on my child, and, frankly, I feel I should have protected him better than I did.

 

[daijobu]

I'm wondering with the crying, I'm wondering if you want to make sure there isn't any bullying happening?  Sometimes kids find it hard to admit to parents what is really happening.  Can you speak with your teacher to see how he's doing socially?  Would they permit you to observe the classroom, or maybe during recess?  

[ebrindam]

I would disagree that it will be important to provide opportunities for the dc to interact with peers. :-)

 

If we teach our children to have good manners, they will be able to interact with anyone. Our children learn how to behave like adults because of they have more interaction with adults; they will be adults much longer than they will be children, and eventually, all their age peers will be...adults, too. Of course our children will enjoy being with other children, and when we can find opportunities for them to get together, we should...as long as the age peer interaction does not cause our children to be peer dependent. That's what happens in age-segregated classrooms: the equally immature age peers become more influential than the mature adults. Our children need adult role models, not peer role models.

 

 

What an odd thing to disagree with. 

[Sebastian (a lady)]

To all of you: thank you. I know I continue to say that, but having this group of you is so helpful. The support, the advice, the knowledge you all have - it's priceless.

 

As I think about all the advice for my husband, I'm just still not sure what would work. I don't know if he'd take to reading books or asking questions on a forum, because as bad as this sounds - he's not that "interested." I think he has an interest "against" homeschooling because he is under the perception that our son will wind up socially awkward & "weird" (his words and a total misconception, clearly). He sees my vision and really believes in it (I am of the thought that a classroom of the world - the ocean, the mountains, the woods - is a much better environment than a row of desks & busy work - at least for us). He trusts that I am able to take on the load and provide a proper education. The only thing he tends to question is our son's social situation. Today he commented "But we want him to be the cool kid in high school with a girlfriend going to prom! The neighbor girl (our son's best friend) will be a cheerleader and dating the football star and <our son> will be left behind!"

 

Do you see what I mean? He's so STUCK on the wrong ideals that he's not even really thinking about the right thing. So I'm trying to figure out how to kind of get him past that - because if I can, I think the rest is golden. He's just stubborn :) And luckily (and sometimes not so luckily), so am I!

 

To OneStepAtATime - thank you for all that you wrote. I think the reason this is quite a struggle is that I understand the weight of what I'm choosing to do. It's a lot to think about and I know I need to stay strong and get on my feet before I let little things bother me. You all make it look so easy but I know it's one of the hardest challenges with some of the best rewards.

 

I also really appreciate all the personal stories of when you got started and how the first few years went. Being a "newbie" is difficult in most areas and this is certainly not the exception! I'm learning so much more than I ever thought I would with my first post here!

Being social, popular and respected by peers doesn't just stem from public school. There are plenty of people who attend school and never really feel like they fit in. Isn't that the basis of so many teen movies.

 

Similarly a homeschooled kid doesn't have to be socially awkward. They may be. They may go through being shy or introverted. But that may be rooted in their personality not school location.

 

Fwiw, my older kids have been very popular with their peers. One was an asst swim coach. Nearly every young swimmer wanted to beat him in the 50 or in pushups. Another son is wildly popular through his own activities. They have different personalities but can both command a room. Their younger brother is much more reserved, but is always cheerful, encouraging and ready to help others. He has a real talent for doing hard jobs and making it look easy.

 

Kids have their own path. Their school can help them blossom or squelch them. Figuring out which is happening and what to do next is a great responsibility. It's great that you are considering options. Don't feel like you are locked into a decision.

[ElizabethB]

My husband was a pilot in the Air Force. Homeschooling was great for his schedule! We went on a few close trips with him, and a few of his training weeks.

 

There are a ton of military homeschoolers, and I have been a volunteer tutor since 1994; after my 3rd remedial child I told my husband that we needed to homschool or consider a private school that taught phonics at least until the kids were reading well, and we did not yet have kids.

 

I once had a neighbor tell me my kids were better socialized than his kids, LOL, he did not know about the stigma...this was after his daughter finally got more time to play when testing prep ended...back when both our daughters were in 4th grade. She had homework and tutoring that kept her working until bedtime every school night for months before yearly testing. (We had homeschool friends down the block and a few other friends that played almost daily, he would see them walking back and forth.)

 

I teach phonics to the 12th grade level, my mom went from being suspicious of homeschooling to bragging to everyone that her grandaughter could read "War and Peace." My dad was very supportive, he had recently retired from teaching in a good public school, that actually made him a big fan. My favorite conventional phonics program is Phonics Pathways, it teaches to a 4th grade level and is idiot proof. My 12th grade level takes a bit more work and study to use, I will add a link soon. If they are doing sight words in school, you will need my nonsense word game to undo guessing habits, at the same link and very easy to use and understand, free to print or make.

 

http://www.thephonicspage.org/On%20Reading/WellTaughtPhonicsStudent.html

Edited February 13, 2017 by ElizabethB

[Alicia64]

Hi Sandy -- I haven't read all the responses, but I want to chime in. My boys are 13 now and I pulled them at Xmas in their Kinder year (they were 5). They're twins. Initially I wanted to homeschool and DH was dead set against it. Then after a hundred red flags he pushed me to pull them. And we were in a "good school."

 

My parents both came up in the world by being the first ones in their family to go to college. So after I pulled the boys, my dad didn't speak to me for a year. (He's not the nicest guy no matter what I'm doing, but still.)

 

I heard: what about socialization? I heard: You're just too controlling and want to control your boys' lives. I heard: You're homeschooling?! What the h-e -x-x are you thinking?!

 

And a million others. Part of homeschooling -- to me -- is maturing into a full-blown adult who can say, "Whatever, this is what we're doing." I mean, you don't actually say it, but you think it.

 

Several years into it I honestly don't care what anyone thinks. This lifestyle has been so awesome for our boys and us. At 13 -- almost 14 -- they're wholesome, friendly, super polite, really kind. I just don't think they'd be the same people if they'd been in school.

 

PM me if you want more info. The stronger you become in your thought-process, the more you don't even hear people yapping (about something that really is none of their beeswax.)

 

Take care,

 

Alley

[daijobu]

 

And a million others. Part of homeschooling -- to me -- is maturing into a full-blown adult who can say, "Whatever, this is what we're doing." I mean, you don't actually say it, but you think it.

 

Several years into it I honestly don't care what anyone thinks. This lifestyle has been so awesome for our boys and us. At 13 -- almost 14 -- they're wholesome, friendly, super polite, really kind. I just don't think they'd be the same people if they'd been in school.

 

PM me if you want more info. The stronger you become in your thought-process, the more you don't even hear people yapping (about something that really is none of their beeswax.)

 

 

 

Agree with this wholeheartedly.  When I decided that I was going to homeschool, when my kids were in preschool, I felt like I stumbled on the best. idea. ever.  

 

"Look at me!"  I was saying to everyone who would listen.  "I'm going to start homeschooling!  You should homeschool too!  We should homeschool together!  Won't that be amazing!"  I was seriously drunk on homeschooling, and I hadn't even gotten started.  I was so enamored with it that I was genuinely surprised, no, really surprised, when none of the other moms at my preschool didn't join me.  I couldn't believe it.  

 

I still announce to people that I'm a homeschooling mom, I love it, I wake up every morning excited to start the day, because that's the truth.  I'm not normally a very positive person (quit cynical actually), but on this part of my life I'm just ecstatic that I've been allowed the opportunity to take the reins on something that is so very important to me.  

 

So keep your chin up, a smile on your face, and announce the world, "Hooray for me and my kids!  I'm homeschooling!  Aren't I awesome!  (You should try it!)"  

[daijobu]

I should add that my dh was totally supportive, I intimidate my own parents, and I let my dh handle my mil.  

[8filltheheart]

The stronger you become in your thought-process, the more you don't even hear people yapping (about something that really is none of their beeswax.)

I have always said that one of the biggest reasons behind our homeschool's success is that I am 99.9% stubborn. I pretty much ignore conventional wisdom and do exactly what I believe is the best thing for my kids.

[Alicia64]

 

 

"Look at me!"  I was saying to everyone who would listen.  "I'm going to start homeschooling!  You should homeschool too!  We should homeschool together!  Won't that be amazing!"  I was seriously drunk on homeschooling, and I hadn't even gotten started.  I was so enamored with it that I was genuinely surprised, no, really surprised, when none of the other moms at my preschool didn't join me.  I couldn't believe it.  

 

I still announce to people that I'm a homeschooling mom, I love it, I wake up every morning excited to start the day, because that's the truth.  I'm not normally a very positive person (quit cynical actually), but on this part of my life I'm just ecstatic that I've been allowed the opportunity to take the reins on something that is so very important to me.  

 

 

 

This is hilarious! "Drunk on Homeschooling" -- great book title!!!

 

Love your enthusiasm!

 

Alley

[ElizabethB]

This is hilarious! "Drunk on Homeschooling" -- great book title!!!

 

Love your enthusiasm!

 

Alley

Good country song title, too!

 

(And I only like a few country songs but I would like that one!!)

[eternalsummer]

Highly opinionated post warning:

 

I do not think today's public schools exist to turn boys into men. I think boys are punished for being boys - made to sit still too long, over-medicated, having to write too much in subjects such as math, not allowed enough wholesome competition, given too much homework...besides, the majority of elementary school teachers are still women, so "get him away from too much female influence" is not solved by sending him to school! And women don't turn boys into sissies, anyway. I haven't. My mother didn't.

 

I recommend firmness and kindness in raising boys, lots of time in nature, minimal screen time because of weird messages and deleterious effect on attention span, and looking for good mentors (men AND women) in all walks of life who will model the qualities that you want your sons, and daughters, to emulate.

 

My sons found male role models in Civil Air Patrol, taekwondo, rec league sports, clubs for shared interests such as folk music and arts/crafts, neighbors, uncles, cousins...they've also learned a LOT about justice, manners, and a million other "manly" (or "humanly") skills from women.

Indeed, 100%

 

DS was treated worse for his masculine traits in school (as were other boys, as I witnessed) than he is at home or in groups we choose (HS groups, hockey, etc.)  Your DH may be remembering the environment of his childhood - it is not the same now.  I overheard a class mother, who also did instruction in the classroom a few days a week, say that a couple of boys in DD's class were clearly rebelling against her authority (to teach them to knit) because they were at heart misogynists. I kid you not.

 

DS's kindy teacher suggested a weighted blanket and meds after 6 weeks of school, b/c he finished before the other kids and was hyperactive. Two other boys in the class were like him; they were medicated shortly after DS left the school.  Turns out both of the kindergarten teacher's boys are also medicated.

[TX Native]

I typed up a long reply about how dh went from "homeschooling is only done by extremist who are hiding from the gov't, hiding abuse, involved in a cult, and/or don't want their children exposed to anyone or anything outside of the family's safety zone," to "Homeschooling is the greatest thing ever for our family!" I decided to spare you the details and condense the post.

 

In short his change came about by the following things:

1. Becoming educated about homeschooling instead of going along with the negative stigma homeschooling had in his small town, USA hometown where NO-ONE (he knew) homeschooled.

2. Meeting somewhat "normal" (definition of normal is highly variable) people who homeschool.

3. Having our oldest in a decent school for one year. His number was the main contact number and he got every recorded message about fundraisers, demeaning pre-recorded message from the principal each day our child was out VERY sick (so sick we were worried about him, not just your typical virus) about how our child should be in school and not at home, PTO needing all this money, and the one that tipped the bucket was the prerecorded demeaning message from the principal to all parents that funds would be taken out of a designated something for students because some parents didn't pay their cafeteria balance and the unpaid money would come from those funds instead.

4. Prayer

 

I suggest you share what you want (homeschool) and why with your husband. I suggest you don't try to force him to agree with you, just a simple, "If I choose to try this out do I have your support and respect in this decision or not." If yes, gather resources to educate both of you about homeschooling in 2017 AND create social outings for your family where your dh is likely to have positive interaction with other (somewhat normal) homeschool families. If no, ask your dh to at least do more research about homeschooling 2017 and not decide solely on negative connotations about homeschooling in his circle of,peeps, but please don't nag him to change his mind.

 

There was a documentary video on Netflix we watched when we 1st started that convinced my dh even more homeschooling was the better option for us, but I forget what it was. Something about the challenge for a good education in a poor school district (in NY maybe???) and was about lottery schools being the only option out of a poor education for some. It could have been called, "Waiting for Superman" or something like that.

 

I am unsure of your worldview, but if your husband is a Christian, James Dobson has some positive things in a book about raising boys on why he thinks boys are better off homeschooling in the younger years. Disclaimer: I am a Christian, but I am NOT a James Dobson fan AT ALL. I don't to agree with all of his reasons for homeschooling boys at a young age. I mention it because it convinced some Christian dads I know that homeschooling was a good option.

 

Can anyone suggest a book like "For The Children's Sake" that appeals more to a man than a woman? I read that book years before I started homeschooling. It played a major role in my desire to homeschool. Perhaps that book would appeal to OP's husband??? If he is intellectual and a big reader/researcher, I think The Well Trained Mind (someone else recommended it earlier in this thread) would be a good book to ask him to read. Maybe???

Edited February 16, 2017 by TX native

[sandydawn]

I typed up a long reply about how dh went from "homeschooling is only done by extremist who are hiding from the gov't, hiding abuse, involved in a cult, and/or don't want their children exposed to anyone or anything outside of the family's safety zone," to "Homeschooling is the greatest thing ever for our family!" I decided to spare you the details and condense the post.

 

THIS makes me feel positive and helps me - so thank you SO much for this post.

 

An update on our life: we have made the decision to pull DS from Kindergarten and begin homeschooling him for the rest of this year.  My husband has agreed to it and says he will assess it after the year to determine what we do for 1st grade.  He is still not "sold" on the idea, but we've agreed that the only way for him to know for sure is to experience it, so here we go.

 

My DS was sick for almost a month straight and last week was out for a WHOLE week with the worst sickness I've ever seen him have - that was more than enough for me to just can it.  On top of him getting so tired of school that he literally wakes up every morning at 5am in alarming fashion asking "is today is a school day?????" - trying to prepare himself for the worst.  It was TIME.  I am SO thankful for this opportunity and now let's hope I can enligthen hubby. :)

 

I giggled at the "Drunk on homeschooling" post because this is SO ME.  I cannot stop.  I am so inspired, excited and READY that I cannot stop thinking about it!

[daijobu]

 

 

An update on our life: we have made the decision to pull DS from Kindergarten and begin homeschooling him for the rest of this year.  My husband has agreed to it and says he will assess it after the year to determine what we do for 1st grade.  He is still not "sold" on the idea, but we've agreed that the only way for him to know for sure is to experience it, so here we go.

 

 

 

This was also our mantra when we decided to homeschool.  We'll do it for K and see how it goes.  Public school isn't going away.  It will always be there if you need/want to re-enroll him.  Enjoy the rest of your year.  

[Kiara.I]

Congratulations!

 

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