Easing Transition for Temporary Kid? Need gluten free help too. Update in post #32

[Paige]

We have our neighbor's child today. We will have her indefinitely as the father is very ill and the mother is staying with him. It could be 1 night or it could be several months depending on how well he does or doesn't do. She doesn't know how serious it is and expects to be home soon. Honestly, if she goes home soon it will mean he father didn't make it. 

 

The parents do not speak very clear English and it's hard to communicate even during the best times. I know the little girl is gluten free, but we have no experience with that. They knocked on the door about 6am this morning and brought her over with one lunch box and didn't have time to discuss anything other than asking us to watch her "for a couple hours." Now, the mom doesn't know when she'll be back. The mother doesn't drive, and with the father in the hospital, she is in a hard place. The girl didn't come with a key to her house either. I have no idea what to feed her. If I bought gluten free foods, and cooked it and served it on my dishes and in my kitchen, would it be ok? I don't want to create a sick child.

 

Other than the gluten free, has anyone taken responsibility for a kid like this before, and what did you do to make it easier for everyone? She seems fine now, but I'm concerned about how she'll feel if she's here for longer than she's expecting. My instinct is to immediately begin treating her like one of my kids, with all the same rules and responsibilities and to tell my kids to treat her like a new sister for a while. Any other ideas? I think I should get some sort of medical release and we need something to be able to pick her up from her school. What else do I need to think about? They have no family in the country at all, and as far as I know, no close friends, and no social community they are attached to that would help.

 

 

Edited February 19, 2017 by Paige

[sassenach]

Wow, what a very hard situation.

 

She should be fine with GF food on your plates if she's just gluten intolerant. If she has celiac disease, you'll have to be more careful.

 

Do a search on hidden gluten so you know what to look for. Soy has gluten. Cooking GF isn't hard. It's easier to leave gluten out than to try to replace it. Just think in terms of meat and veggies. For example, sandwiches. You don't need to buy a bread replacement. Just serve the meat rolled up with lettuce. Skip the bread.

 

As for the rest- I have no idea. 

 

 

 

[Harriet Vane]

We have our neighbor's child today. We will have her indefinitely as the father is very ill and the mother is staying with him. It could be 1 night or it could be several months depending on how well he does or doesn't do. She doesn't know how serious it is and expects to be home soon. Honestly, if she goes home soon it will mean he father didn't make it. 

 

The parents do not speak very clear English and it's hard to communicate even during the best times. I know the little girl is gluten free, but we have no experience with that. They knocked on the door about 6am this morning and brought her over with one lunch box and didn't have time to discuss anything other than asking us to watch her "for a couple hours." Now, the mom doesn't know when she'll be back. The mother doesn't drive, and with the father in the hospital, she is in a hard place. The girl didn't come with a key to her house either. I have no idea what to feed her. If I bought gluten free foods, and cooked it and served it on my dishes and in my kitchen, would it be ok? I don't want to create a sick child.

 

Other than the gluten free, has anyone taken responsibility for a kid like this before, and what did you do to make it easier for everyone? She seems fine now, but I'm concerned about how she'll feel if she's here for longer than she's expecting. My instinct is to immediately begin treating her like one of my kids, with all the same rules and responsibilities and to tell my kids to treat her like a new sister for a while. Any other ideas? I think I should get some sort of medical release and we need something to be able to pick her up from her school. What else do I need to think about? They have no family in the country at all, and as far as I know, no close friends, and no social community they are attached to that would help.

 

I was in a similar situation years ago when I took in five kids when their mother was hospitalized with a life-threatening brain tumor. They stayed with me several weeks, after which I cared for them over the weekends. This was for years.

 

Someone close to me suffers with bonafide celiac disease. Also, until he hit puberty, my son was lactose intolerant. I know all about handling food issues.

 

Let's start with gluten--for someone with celiac, gluten is poison, and the smallest exposure can bring agony. For example, let's say I put pizza and chips on the table for all. If someone grabs a piece of pizza or two, puts them on their plate, and then grabs a handful of chips, the chips are now contaminated. If I am boiling two pots of pasta--one gluten, one non--and I accidentally stir the non-gluten pasta with the gluten spoon, the non-gluten pasta is now contaminated. 

 

You have to have a separate work surface for all food prep for someone who struggles with celiac. It must be kept clean with supplies devoted to only that prep area. In other words, you cannot wipe all your counters with a sponge and then use the same sponge on the gluten-free area.

 

When my sister visits me, I usually rinse dishes or pots/pans before putting food on them. She is really, really sensitive--I have heard other celiac sufferers say it is not necessary to rinse clean dishes. For you, with a traumatized child, I would say to go the extra mile to keep her well.

 

Gluten free pasta is easy to get and easy to prepare. Just don't overcook as it tends to fall apart more easily. If you get gluten-free bread, keep it in the freezer and take out only what's needed as you need it. It tends to go stale really quickly.

 

You cannot go wrong with meat, veggies, and fruit. Rice is okay. Avoid oatmeal as many react to it. Only purchase products that are certified gluten-free.

 

More in post to follow.

[Paige]

Wow, what a very hard situation.

 

She should be fine with GF food on your plates if she's just gluten intolerant. If she has celiac disease, you'll have to be more careful.

 

Do a search on hidden gluten so you know what to look for. Soy has gluten. Cooking GF isn't hard. It's easier to leave gluten out than to try to replace it. Just think in terms of meat and veggies. For example, sandwiches. You don't need to buy a bread replacement. Just serve the meat rolled up with lettuce. Skip the bread.

 

As for the rest- I have no idea. 

 

Is there a way to know really quickly? If she had celiac, what would it look like if her diet was contaminated? All I know is the girl said she can't have wheat and has mentioned gluten in the past. Because of the language barrier, I'm not sure if it's actual celiac disease or not. The little girl speaks clear English, but I don't expect her to know everything. I know my own kids aren't always reliable reporters- not intentionally, but they often get facts wrong. We have gluten free cookies here for her when she comes over to play, but other than that we've always avoided feeding her anything. 

[AK_Mom4]

I've done the emergency kid care.  Supposed to be for a few hours - ended up being for a couple of months when mom ended up in the mental hospital and dad was working over seas.

 

Do the Big Rules - with grace.  If kids her age in your house go to bed at 9pm, send her to bed at 9pm, but have some grace if she has trouble sleeping (away from home, worried about dad, etc).  If she gets along well with one of your kids, have them do chores together (included, but not responsible since she doesnt know the routine).

 

As far as the cooking - I would be inclined like the others to err on the side of caution. Whole foods - meat, veggies, rice - cooked in separate pots or serve foods that don't need much preparation like sliced sandwich meat, cheese, veggie sticks.  Gluten-free corn tortillas are yummy and can be used as a bread replacement.   Better to feed her simple whole foods than to end up with a sick kid. 

[Harriet Vane]

We have our neighbor's child today. We will have her indefinitely as the father is very ill and the mother is staying with him. It could be 1 night or it could be several months depending on how well he does or doesn't do. She doesn't know how serious it is and expects to be home soon. Honestly, if she goes home soon it will mean he father didn't make it. 

 

The parents do not speak very clear English and it's hard to communicate even during the best times. I know the little girl is gluten free, but we have no experience with that. They knocked on the door about 6am this morning and brought her over with one lunch box and didn't have time to discuss anything other than asking us to watch her "for a couple hours." Now, the mom doesn't know when she'll be back. The mother doesn't drive, and with the father in the hospital, she is in a hard place. The girl didn't come with a key to her house either. I have no idea what to feed her. If I bought gluten free foods, and cooked it and served it on my dishes and in my kitchen, would it be ok? I don't want to create a sick child.

 

Other than the gluten free, has anyone taken responsibility for a kid like this before, and what did you do to make it easier for everyone? She seems fine now, but I'm concerned about how she'll feel if she's here for longer than she's expecting. My instinct is to immediately begin treating her like one of my kids, with all the same rules and responsibilities and to tell my kids to treat her like a new sister for a while. Any other ideas? I think I should get some sort of medical release and we need something to be able to pick her up from her school. What else do I need to think about? They have no family in the country at all, and as far as I know, no close friends, and no social community they are attached to that would help.

 

One more thought re gluten--if your peanutbutter jar is already open and you have made sandwiches from it, the jar is contaminated from dipping the knife. The gluten-free child should have her own PBJ supplies that are clearly labeled.

 

Okay, re keeping a kid for a while like this.

 

First of all, she has the same needs an adult has. She will want to know what's going on. Unlike an adult, she does not have the power to insist on an explanation or go somewhere that is soothing to her. So, be proactive in these areas. Explain as much as you know as compassionately as you can. Create a space somewhere in the house that is for her, where she can be alone. 

 

She will cycle between needing breaks, needing alone time, and needing the reassurance community (being with others) brings.

 

Understand that traumatized kids act out sometimes, and traumatized kids can be pretty airheaded at times. It's reaction to stress. Don't be angry at spaciness or forgetfulness. If she behaves badly, assume it's a reaction to stress. Remember SWB's mom--when tensions run high, offer food, rest, and a shower or a bath. Sometimes a stressed child needs cuddling and attention, and sometimes a stressed child needs alone time to self-soothe with a book or a TV show.

 

Do integrate her into regular household rules as soon as possible. Stay right with her for all chores and such--be her buddy, kindly showing her how things are done. When you cannot be her buddy, make sure someone else is doing so. She wants to fit in as much as possible, so make it easy for her to learn how to do things your way. Do not assume she "should know at her age" or that it's "common sense" to do things a certain way. Make sure it's clear that your way is NOT "the right way"--it is simply the way you like for your house. Her mom may do this or that differently and that's okay. Everyone does things differently in different homes. 

 

Understand that your kids will have "guest fatigue." In other words, they will get tired of her being around. Get your kids the breaks they need. When I was in the middle of this, I did it in three ways. One is that we had a quiet time every day for everyone to engage in activities alone. The kids were all younger than ten and mostly untrained and wild, so I started this at thirty minutes a day intending to build to an hour. (They went home before we got to an hour.) The second break was that I hired a teenager to come do crafts with the kids three times a week. (That was a break for me.) The third thing I did was send my kids to their grandparents' house for some rest and relaxation once every 7-10 days. Thank God for those beautiful, kind grandparents who kept it low-key--playing at the park, playing cards together, eating their favorite comfort foods.

 

Feel free to ask any specific questions. I'm happy to help.

 

I hope her dad makes it. God bless you for your kindness to her. 

[Jyhwkmama]

You are doing a wonderfully kind thing!

 

Would it be possible for you to drive to the hospital to get a key to her house to pick up necessary items? She might be more comfortable with her own clothes and a favorite stuffed animal.

[Paige]

 

First of all, she has the same needs an adult has. She will want to know what's going on. Unlike an adult, she does not have the power to insist on an explanation or go somewhere that is soothing to her. So, be proactive in these areas. Explain as much as you know as compassionately as you can. Create a space somewhere in the house that is for her, where she can be alone. 

 

 

Thank you, for all your tips. It's very helpful as I think through this. She wants to sleep in DD's room, but I think I'll also set up the guest room for her and tell her she can go there for privacy. On the best days, she and DD have a turbulent relationship! She's a good kid, on the whole, but can be difficult and is very different from our kids. 

 

As for the above, we are unsure what to tell her. Her mother only told her that her dad needed to go to the hospital. He was in the hospital for about 1-2 weeks earlier this year and a different neighbor took her in. They stopped by and gave us some information and said it was very hard because communicating with the parents is hard, but the mother prefers to share information with her daughter herself. They told us not to pass on info that the mother hasn't already shared. 

 

We don't have any family here either, so sending our kids out for a break isn't possible. 

 

I hope the dad gets better too! They are permanent residents here for the dad's job, I think, so if the dad doesn't make it, I'm afraid the mother and daughter may not be able to stay here. The little girl doesn't remember any other home. 

[Paige]

You are doing a wonderfully kind thing!

 

Would it be possible for you to drive to the hospital to get a key to her house to pick up necessary items? She might be more comfortable with her own clothes and a favorite stuffed animal.

 

Maybe. They were talking about life flighting him somewhere else so it will depend on what has happened. I'll try sending her a text. If she can't read it, the hospital probably has a translator, right? That may be easier than trying to talk on the phone. There's also a dog locked in the house that she's worried about. 

[justasque]

When you cook for her, consider putting some aside for the next meal or the next day.

Think about meals that everyone can eat - like rice with veggies and meat.  

If you can afford it, grab a few frozen meals - Amy's brand has a lot of GF ones.  (I like their GF tofu scramble breakfast burritos, even though I am not GF.)  Making one meal a day super-easy will take some of the burden off of you.  
Eggs and veggies are a quick breakfast - maybe make some mini-fritattas - four days at a time works well.

[Ailaena]

Maybe. They were talking about life flighting him somewhere else so it will depend on what has happened. I'll try sending her a text. If she can't read it, the hospital probably has a translator, right? That may be easier than trying to talk on the phone. There's also a dog locked in the house that she's worried about.

Use google translate? Send a text in English and the translated text just in case it gets it a bit wrong. Or maybe ask the girl to translate? Especially since there's an animal involved now.

 

So wonderful of you to do this :grouphug:

[Valley Girl]

You are doing a wonderfully kind thing!

 

Would it be possible for you to drive to the hospital to get a key to her house to pick up necessary items? She might be more comfortable with her own clothes and a favorite stuffed animal.

 

The hospital might be able to help as well in providing an interpreter so that you and the mom can talk and exchange necessary information. It will help you and give the mom peace of mind, too. Bless you for being such a caring neighbor!

[Harriet Vane]

Thank you, for all your tips. It's very helpful as I think through this. She wants to sleep in DD's room, but I think I'll also set up the guest room for her and tell her she can go there for privacy. On the best days, she and DD have a turbulent relationship! She's a good kid, on the whole, but can be difficult and is very different from our kids. 

 

As for the above, we are unsure what to tell her. Her mother only told her that her dad needed to go to the hospital. He was in the hospital for about 1-2 weeks earlier this year and a different neighbor took her in. They stopped by and gave us some information and said it was very hard because communicating with the parents is hard, but the mother prefers to share information with her daughter herself. They told us not to pass on info that the mother hasn't already shared. 

 

We don't have any family here either, so sending our kids out for a break isn't possible. 

 

I hope the dad gets better too! They are permanent residents here for the dad's job, I think, so if the dad doesn't make it, I'm afraid the mother and daughter may not be able to stay here. The little girl doesn't remember any other home. 

 

 

I would not let her sleep in Dd's room. Be proactive rather than reactive. Both girls will definitely need space from each other sometimes, so build it in from the beginning.

 

When we had our part-time kids, the boys all slept in ds' room and the girls all slept in dd's room. If I had had a separate place to put everybody, that would have been better.

 

As for information--obviously you should respect mom's desire to be the giver of information. So, since you have very little to offer, you'll have to offer other reassurances. "We don't know how long you need to be here, but you are welcome with us." That sort of thing. 

 

For your kids' break, consider sending your new temporary kid out for a day here or there with other friends? Set up playdates for her that do not include your kids. Would your other neighbor be willing to help facilitate that? Never say you need a break from her. Simply set it up and act as though it's a treat for her. 

 

Edited for spelling error.

Edited February 4, 2017 by Harriet Vane

[Tanaqui]

Poor baby! *hugs* I hope things turn out as well as possible for her. You're getting what looks like a lot of good advice.

[bettyandbob]

Fresh fruit and vegetables are gluten free

Cheerios are gluten free

A lot of things you eat are probably gluten free

 

If you make roasted chicken, steam frozen broccoli, baked potatoes and have bagged salad, you have a gf meal. Condiments like butter, sour cream need to come from new containers and don't touch them with anything but clean utensils--no buttering bread for one person and then putting back in the butter. You can buy salad dressing gf (Annie's is a brand that labels clearly. Just look for the label).

 

Prepare her food on a clean surface.

 

Don't get gf bread and put it in your toaster.

 

I'm sorry I don't have help on the more difficult side of this. Thank you for helping the child.

[Guest]

What age? Definitely call her school Monday and give them the heads up. They should have a social worker who can help both of you.

 

I was in a bit easier similar situation,as there was a teen who could take care of the three year old and translate, but she needed adult help with her sib, time for herself and her studies, and reassurance that the situation was temporary. The school was very helpful to both children and relatives moved from the home country to help dad. So for now,reassurance that dad is in good hands, keep busy, and wait.

[Twolittleboys]

I have no advice but just wanted to say how much I admire what you are doing! As a single mother with basically no extended family and not that many friends, the thought of what would happen to my kids if I got sick has always been one of my greatest worries. Luckily, that has not happened and my kids are almost old enough to stay on their own now but I have to say I think it is really a wonderful thing you are doing, especially as you aren't related/close to the parents!

[katilac]

You should be able to call the hospital he is currently at and talk to a social worker, who can act as a liaison and obtain translation as needed. I would call right away, because you are really going to need to get into that house soon.

 

If an animal is locked inside, and things don't move along quickly about getting a key, I'd ask the kid if they had an alarm and then check out the windows.  

[Ravin]

I would want a notarized affidavit giving me permission to deal with the school, doctor, etc. What form this must take varies by state.

[Paige]

We have talked with the mom more and have a better idea of what's going on. We also have a key and the dog is over here playing with mine. It's going to end up easier on us and harder on the mom. It turns out DD's friend has a special need that hadn't been disclosed before and the mom insists on being home with her at night in case there is an emergency. She'll be going over to another neighbor's who lives closer in the evenings, and then that neighbor's husband will carry the girl to her house and her bed whenever the mom gets home. I feel bad for them because it could be very late at night/early morning every night, but they are ok with it. They don't want to wake her up and have her walk and we couldn't carry her that far. The other neighbors will take her to school in the morning and I will just pick her up after and keep her until the evening. I don't know how the mom is going to get home every night, especially from where she is, but I guess maybe an Uber? They are no longer at the local hospital.

 

DD and her friend are disappointed they won't ever get a sleepover, but her mom is right- we aren't prepared or skilled in caring for her if she had an emergency. Hopefully her dad will be home soon. I don't know how mom can keep this schedule up. Little girl is in 4th grade, so definitely old enough to know what's going on and be worried. 

[LifeLovePassion]

You should be able to call the hospital he is currently at and talk to a social worker, who can act as a liaison and obtain translation as needed. I would call right away, because you are really going to need to get into that house soon.

 

If an animal is locked inside, and things don't move along quickly about getting a key, I'd ask the kid if they had an alarm and then check out the windows.

This is what I would do. See if they have a translator who can help you figure out the needs of the girl (celiac, etc) and dog care info.

[Anne in CA]

I have no advice at all, I just wanted to thank you for being a loving neighbor. 

[Harriet Vane]

Poor girl, and poor family.

 

May God bless you for your kindness. And your neighbors too.

 

I am praying for you and for them.

[Paige]

It does not look good for her dad at all. We may not be keeping her very much longer.  :crying:

[Katy]

Regular cheerios are not gluten free.

 

Be careful with rice - it's okay if you're buying plain rice and flavoring it yourself, but if you're using a boxed mix it probably has gluten.

 

Thank you for doing this.

[Lawyer&Mom]

Regular cheerios are gluten free now. It's a recent change.

[Catwoman]

It does not look good for her dad at all. We may not be keeping her very much longer. :crying:

I'm so sorry to hear that. :(

[Liz CA]

 

Understand that your kids will have "guest fatigue." In other words, they will get tired of her being around. Get your kids the breaks they need. When I was in the middle of this, I did it in three ways. One is that we had a quiet time every day for everyone to engage in activities alone. The kids were all younger than ten and mostly untrained and wild, so I started this at thirty minutes a day intending to build to an hour. (They went home before we got to an hour.) The second break was that I hired a teenager to come do crafts with the kids three times a week. (That was a break for me.) The third thing I did was send my kids to their grandparents' house for some rest and relaxation once every 7-10 days. Thank God for those beautiful, kind grandparents who kept it low-key--playing at the park, playing cards together, eating their favorite comfort foods.

 

Feel free to ask any specific questions. I'm happy to help.

 

I hope her dad makes it. God bless you for your kindness to her. 

 

I have always liked the fictional Harriet Vane - but you are far more admirable for having taken in five kids. You and your dh are awesome in the true sense of the word.

[Liz CA]

Paige, I have little to offer. You have already received excellent advice from those who BTDT. Many blessings for being such a kind neighbor!

[newgrace]

What a difficult situation.  I'm glad you are able/willing to help them.

[Harriet Vane]

So sorry to read the latest update. I hope the father pulls through. Poor family. Praying for them.

[Paige]

Update:

 

The girl's father is home! They were a day away from turning off life support, but he turned around and has recovered. He is now home waiting for a transplant. Hopefully he will remain stable until there is a match.