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S/O sort of, how to prepare for homeschooling (atten: Blssdmama) and other large families


busymama7
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I hope I got your user name right.

 

On the thread about preparing for homeschooling from a few days ago, the topic of moms returning to college later on came up.  Blssdmama (I hope!) mentioned that she had tried for a time but that the 5:00 time at her house just required all hands on deck and wasn't something her husband could do alone.  I cant find the thread as my searching skills stink so I hope I didn't get this wrong.

 

That statement really stood out to me as I have been going through a rough time with feeling like my husband just isn't involved on the level that I really would prefer.  I mean, at my house the 5:00 hour is too much for one person too, yet its only me that is left with it day after day.  And the morning too.  Big time.

 

We have 9 kids but 2 are out of the house for the most part.  Youngest is 2.  My husband just has never been the type to do much of anything besides work (a LOT) and outdoor stuff.  We are in a tough spot right now as he made a job change and is working way more hours a week than he should be.  But honestly, this has always been a problem.

 

I don't want to seem ungrateful.  I mean I have gotten to stay home all these years and I am so thankful for that blessing.  I am thankful that he works so hard and that he supports me (and is thankful) for me being home with the children.  But I am overwhelmed with day to day life and don't like feeling like he is SO disconnected from our life and the ebb and flow of making our family life function.

 

Here is one example. Last night I was up much of the night with two feverish kids (actually 3 but one slept).  I desperately need lots of sleep due to thyroid issues but didn't get anywhere near enough last night.  He got up at his normal time, drove 20 mins away to play basketball with some friends (routine for Tuesdays) and was gone about 1.5 hours, coming back in time to get ready for work.   I was still trapped in bed with the 2 year old who was crying when he got home.  I should have been up a hour before to shower and start math with my 2 high schoolers at 7 am, it was now 7:30.  I had sent them a text to make breakfast so they had started.  He came upstairs and I made a comment about how I really could have used him at home getting us going on the day because I had been up all night (and he HADNT).  He said he knew and that he came home to make breakfast but the boys already were. (maybe he would have but sometimes that ends up being just as much work as he asks a million questions and isn't all that competent)  He knows(or should if he listened) how critical each second is in the morning and that I MUST stay on schedule or we cant get everything done before my oldest (at home) leaves for work.  He then went down and made some toast, which wasn't really helpful AT ALL because any of my kids are capable of that.  I'm left to start math in my PJs, with a crying 2 year old, 45 mins late and while my 11 year old trys to get everyone dished up and fed (hot cereal).  There was lots of crying and the boys and I just did the best we could to get through the lesson and fix our day.  We did ok but I didn't get a shower until almost 11.  Actually, the only reason we salvaged it at all was because one of my students was one of the feverish ones and those 3 were all watching the ipad so we skipped some lessons.  The rest I did with middle kids in the afternoon.

 

I have stayed with other large families (close friends, relatives) and have seen how it can be to have both parents working to get through those crazy hours. (morning especially and evening).  I have asked, pleaded even.  He wont give up basketball or running which he does on the alternate days EVEN temporarily like when we have a NEWBORN.  Nope, its too critical that he exercises.  I mean, I get it mostly, but I have on the other hand spent 20 year pregnant or nursing with no time to exercise as I have to actually make sure everyone gets fed and educated daily.

 

The exact scenario happens in the evening.  He's watching TV and I'm cleaning up the dinner(kids help)that he rarely makes it home for, grading papers, bathing kids, reading to them, staying with the 2 year old for usually 1+ hours while she falls asleep etc.  I know he worked all day but SO DID I.  This conversation has fallen on deaf ears.  I mean I can guilt him into "helping" a bit but it is like the toast. Its not the  things I actually needed.  but then he says he "helps".  I don't want help, I want us to just be a team working together and doing what needs to be done. That's why the comment stood out to me from blsdmama.   I know he's busy and tired and all that but it is hard not to feel so dang resentful.  

 

I think this must have just been a vent.  I don't really know that there is an advice I could use.  I am curious what it looks like for other large families.  those I have seen don't function like this. It is all hands on deck making it happen.  BTW, I don't have anything that compares to his time in the mornings.  I rarely go anywhere without the kids.  Don't have time to exercise, unless I take them, like on a bike ride.  Everything I do I have to do and schedule and figure out around the kids and their needs.  It feels to me like he just lives here, comes and goes when he pleases, takes care of himself but without any care as to the rest of the families needs.  For instance, he does his own work laundry.  Ok fine, great, but he NEVER does a stitch of the rest of it (which does include his non work items).   But if I say anything, he goes and makes toast and then leaves without serving it to anyone or making sure they get dressed or changing diapers or dishing up or any of the MILLION other things that have to happen with adult supervision in the am.  But then he can say he "helped"  And yes, we have had these conversations over and over again.  He doesn't get it.  I guess that leaves me where I have been which is try to not feel resentful.  I'm just in a tough, very overwhelmed place right now and wish it wasn't like this.

 

 

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You need a good marriage therapist.

 

And/or you need to hire some household help.

 

I don't know of any way to make a man who is blind to the needs of his wife see them unless he himself chooses to make a serious effort to change his habituated perspective. If he is willing to go to therapy with you, to prioritize your marriage at least that much, a good therapist can help the two of you to see and understand one another's perspectives and needs and together find workable solutions to the difficulties you face. I would guess that right now your husband is oblivious to 90% of the challenges of managing your home and raising the children full time. And he is completely unaware of that glaring blind spot.

 

If he is not up to that effort, the only thing you can do is change your own approach. Establish boundaries around what you can reasonably do day in and day out, get some outside help, simplify your schedule, and go ahead and build in the time to exercise and take care of yourself.

 

Personally I might write a long letter to my husband, describing the exhausting insanity of a day or week as you have been living it, acknowledging your current recognition that this is not sustainable, and outlining the changes you will be making to address the problem (I will be hiring a cleaning service to come in on Wednesdays, going to the gym at 4:30 MWF, ordering dinner out twice per week; money for this will be moved from x budget category).

 

Apply your plan and stop feeling resentful and overwhelmed.

 

Basically, you're going to have to do what your husband is already doing--prioritize your own needs. Your husband is not going to do that for you.

 

I know all this is easier said than done, but it is possible.

 

And I really need to be better about taking my own advice...

Edited by maize
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How about giving practical ways he can help out? Sometimes that's been my problem. So, when he expressed that he came home to help but kids were on it, how about: "okay, thanks, how about *this thing* then. That would really be helpful."

 

You need to be as tenacious as DH for carving out time for yourself. So, if I were in your shoes, if my DH gets time to work out in the morning, then I'm off duty after dinner time and get time to relax and say take a bath while he does the dishes and oversees meal clean up. That's would be my time.

Edited by ifIonlyhadabrain
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I don't know how to help.  My DH came wired this way - the helping thing.  

He was never one for diapers (he has actually changed more of William's - the 2yo than any of the others combined.)  But he will pitch in where he feels good pitching in, if that makes sense.  Is that helpful?  So, for example, if DH wants to go out and play basketball, can't he take tag alongs? Or play basketball with them?

What I was talking about was specifically me being gone during dinner and after -the clean-up, the getting ready for bed.  When I was tutoring it was at 6:30 for an hour and it was a drive there.  So, pretty much, if I managed to have supper totally ready by 5 then I could eat with the them, but then, after a long day, he was totally on his own with lots of littles in the witching hour, kwim?  I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

I will say that when he works and gets home at 5:30 or runs for milk or some random thing from the grocery store, then I am doing most of the dinner and prep.  However, with him home by 4-4:30 most nights, he is here for dinner prep.  So that has been him pitching in on that or chasing kiddos from the kitchen. I find both useful.  BUT I don't know that you can change someone.  ?  And I don't know if it is good to bang your head against a wall?

Is it possible to do less at night?  I don't work evenings.  By that I mean - I'm off.  Truly.  When supper is over, I do NOT do dishes.  Sometimes I like to help, but that isn't DOING them.  I cook, they clean.  Family rule.
If I CHOOSE to do work, that's fine.  But, most baths, etc. - they are day things.  Because otherwise I'm frustrated because he and I BOTH want to sit on our fannies at night and play a game of cribbage.  And we do.  

And so I'll come out with the admission.  Long ago I tried to be the woman who burned the candle at both ends - getting up early and going to bed light and I worked my tail off.

Frankly, I care less.  I do.  I used to LOVE my house being clean at night.  Now it's cleanISH.  I used to love doing laundry and waking up to it done.  It never is anymore.  I don't bathe the kids at night most of the time.  I don't do dishes at night.  I don't grade papers at night. (Yeah, I said it.)  

I can't change your hubby and maybe the pp is right - maybe marriage counseling would help? I don't know about that.  I only know me and my situation.  I know that *I* can become very much the martyr and when *I* play that role I'm not super pleasant.  I don't like me and I don't think anyone else likes me.  And for me, I like a LOT of control - everything done the way I think, in my head, that it should be done.  And I needed to let go of some of that and sit on my butt more.  I really value MYSELF as a hard worker.  And if I wasn't doing that I was being super hard on me.  Like I was being lazy or something if all the plates weren't spinning.  And I felt I had to do everything on a 10 scale.  I hope NONE of this reminds you of  you.  But I was cooking (like TRULY cooking) three meals a day.  And my house was CLEAN, really VERY.  And my girls' hair was always cute -braids, pony tails, etc.  But *I* couldn't just let me chill.  And then came the break.  And I couldn't do anything really.  I didn't want to do anything.  I hit a depression like a brick wall.  And my DH picked up the pieces.  And I'm more grateful than you can imagine.  But it really was either I could maintain my standards or my sanity and I let my standards go.  And I REALLY want to emphasize that I am TOTALLY talking about me.  But I want to say that I never felt like there were enough hours in the day so I was always frantically trying to get things done and it would drive me crazy to see anyone else doing stuff when I was working SO hard - and I really WAS working so hard, kwim?  But I needed to give me a break!  I deserved to sit on my bottom too.  And I needed to give me permission to do less.  

So, when you write this, I am no use to you.  I don't have the same hubby or the same scenario.  But this is encouragement and a hug to you to tell you - you don't have to be all things, do all things, and be amazing.  It's okay being a 5 on the 10 scale - - especially if you call off a day of school and get a nap.  And it took me 39 years and a face to face battle with a serious bout of depression to get okay with being a 5.  But I NEVER want to go back to where I put myself ever, ever, ever again.

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I don't know what can help... DHs family dynamic was much like yours. 8 kids, dad would be reading a book while mother washed his work clothes at 11pm because he forgot to tell her he needed them done that day. All I can say is the kids see it, and they love their mother for everything she did alone. Their father.... is another story. But kids aren't blind, they might be unappreciative at younger ages, but they see the dynamics themselves. 

 

For myself, we hope for a large family, but DH wants to be nothing like his father. If I'm honest, I'm more likely the slacker than him, he does bedtime routine and is responsible for house cleaning. He even homeschools two days a week (I do work part time, and study, and am responsible for any and all planning of everything and telling him what needs to happen each day, so it evens out, but he does a lot of the grunt work). This wont change as we have more kids, he doesn't even want it to change, at all. He loves being so involved, why else would he want a large family if he didn't want to actually be with them? (well he would like less chores lol, he has an eye to offloading them to our kids pretty quickly!)

 

So I don't know how I'd even handle that situation, especially when it has become such accepted daily habit over many many years, which is even harder to change. Short of something drastic or absolutely putting your foot down (which it sounds like you don't want) I wonder if you just need to decide whether you're going to accept it or not, and if you accept it, do so wholeheartedly AND make it work for you, without guilt, however you need to. Hire a housecleaner, buy convenient food, outsource a lesson or get a tutor for high school math. If he's working so many crazy hours, surely there's some money there to make it possible. Carve out a little time for yourself, somewhere, and insist on it. Can you insist that he make sure he is home between x and y time on z day because you'll be going somewhere? 

 

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in. I couldn't do that, you're a stronger person than me for lasting this long! But those kids know it and see it and love you. And little ones get older. It wont be this hard forever. 

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What Maize said, except that I wouldn't write the letter.

I'd just do that stuff, and mention to him that I did it.  Not angrily, not defensively, and not in an 'asking for permission' tentative tone.

 

Just 'I signed us up for delivered meals on Wednesdays and Thursdays.  Wednesday is pizza night, and Thursday is Chinese.  So let me know if you're planning to be here for dinner, otherwise I will assume that you're not.'  Calm, matter of fact.

 

And, 'I hired a cleaning person to vacuum, dust, and clean the bathrooms and kitchens every Wednesday while I'm out chasing the kids from one activity to another.'

 

And, 'Guess what, honey, I found a Zumba class I'm going to take on Tuesdays and Thursdays!  So psyched!  I'll be taking the 2YO with me, and the rest will stay home together.  I'm looking for a volleyball team to join, too.  Let me know if you hear of one.'  (I'm not sure of the ages of your kids or if that is reasonable, I would take the preschool/K aged kids and put them in the gym daycare for 1-2 hours while you're there, and leave the others at home.)

 

And, 'I'm getting Costco deliveries from now on.  Let me know if you want anything'.  Then order produce, eggs, dairy, bread, pancake mix, staples, cereal, paper, pens, printer ink, etc. from Costco.com weekly, to be delivered when the cleaner is there.  Also include some of their frozen entrees, and ravs, and pesto, and other quick meal items.  Sometimes they have gallon jugs of Odwalla!

 

Make oatmeal the night before in big thermoses or in a crockpot.

 

You're trying to be an exemplary homeschooling parent, and a responsible and loving wife and mother.  That's great.  He's not on the same page, so you have to carve out your own health and sanity stuff.  I am not sure exactly how this would work, but I think I'd also leave sometimes, on a weekend afternoon, for a couple of hours when he's home.  "Hey, I'm headed out for a bike ride.  The kids are XXXXX.  See you soon!"

 

 

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I don't think it's a "large family" issue, I think it's a marriage, communication and respect issue.

 

You say that you've told your husband how you feel and nothing changes.  Is it bc he doesn't care?  Is it bc he can't change?   Is it bc his priorities are different?  Does he really understand what is it that you want from him?

 

But whatever he does or doesn't do - you need to decide for yourself what is it you are willing to accept.  And handle it accordingly. 

 

In our family, I don't care if my husband is playing on IPAD while I am doing laundry or cleaning up after dinner.  Bc I know that it will be him, outside, in the winter in New England fixing siding on our house.  Or it will ALWAYS be him making breakfast on weekends bc I don't like getting up early.     It will ALWAYS be him cleaning out puke out of the carpet.  So what if some of those things don't happen daily or even weekly?  I am OK with that.  I don't want or need sharing jobs.  I want to have the best person for the job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Personally I hate asking my husband to do things, and I feel that he takes base advantage of this, LOL. 

But if he says, 'I'll help you, hon!'  he has a fight on his hands, because I don't regard this stuff as 'my job' vs. 'our job'.  After a number of discussions about that over many years time, he catches himself before or at least while saying that, and now he says, 'What can I do?' 

 

We have tried setting a schedule for cleaning together (prekids.  It was supposed to be every Thursday.  I can still remember this.  He forgot immediately, LOL.) 

We have tried dividing up responsibilities.  Somehow his just kind of peter out IYKWIM.

I've concluded that I need to be the executive in this situation, and so I am.  Sometimes I resent it, but I do make lists--shopping lists, to do lists, project lists.  And then we tackle them, and additionally I don't have to ask him to do things directly, which I absolutely HATE, like I'm talking to a kid but it's an adult who is supposed to be a team member.  I can't tell you why written lists are better than that, but for me they are.  I don't claim that that's logical.  So anyway, YOU have to figure out what works for YOU, because changing your husband is not working at all.

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PS Also, take sick days. Everybody else does.

Yes to this!

 

I have one child in public school this year and I called him in sick one day last week because :I: was not feeling well enough to get him ready and drive him there.

 

I have learned to do whatever I need to do to maintain my own health and sanity; I'm no good to my family if I don't. My husband suffers from chronic mental health challenges and is rarely up to doing more than working his 8-5 job. He's home in the evenings, but mostly sleeping. That is how it has always been. Everything else--everything--is on my shoulders. When I add up the hours needed to do it all the job is impossible. So I figure out what needs to happen to make things possible. I do have hired help, for house cleaning and for homeschooling (tutors) but there are also a lot of things getting done in a slipshod way or not at all. Lots of compromises. In our case I frame it as working around a disability, which dh's illness is. If my spouse were blind, we would modify our lives to accommodate that; I have to make similar accommodations for the less obvious disability we are working with.

 

We currently have a good marriage counselor and that keeps me sane many weeks when there is something that I feel badly needs to be addressed but I know it can wait for our next counseling session and be discussed with the help of a good facilitator.

Edited by maize
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Has he ever helped out? I mean, like, earlier in your marriage was he more helpful?

 

I noticed that you said you have to stay on a very specific, very tight, schedule in the mornings, for example. When things are "tight" here, time-wise, things need to be done a certain way... or, at least I think so. In the past, my husband has tried to help--only to receive an earful, from me, regarding the "right way" to do things and the "wrong way" to do things (i.e. "my way" vs. "his way"). He is much, much less inclined to help with something when he thinks I'm only going to dictate the entirety of it. 

 

I'm absolutely not saying that this is your situation. It could just be that your husband has fallen into a "habit" of not being helpful and, well, a 20-year long habit is hard to break and may take professional help, as with any ingrained habit. 

 

How would he react if one day you just LEFT for the day? I mean, tell him first, but leave no room for argument. Leave no time for argument. Tell the older children they are not allowed to bail him out. 

Another thing I have noticed with some dads (who work outside the home for long hours) is that they are sincerely oblivious to what goes into our actual days (and afternoons, and nights). They don't mean to be unhelpful, they just sincerely don't get it. My husband "got it" fairly quickly after being left with the children a couple times.

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Thanks for the replies. I now have guilt because he came home and immediately warmed me up dinner (I was tending to sick kids and hadn't eaten) and then cleaned the kitchen. It's like his ears were burning or something.

 

Couple thoughts:

He has no problem with household help or hiring out things like homeschool help. We have done it before. Right now while he is starting a business, there is not a single penny left for help. We both wish there was.

 

Simple food is harder because I'm overweight and I'm trying to lose it. He has no issue with me ordering pizza or the like but the budget is just crazy tight so I try not to too often.

 

He was better at pitching in earlier on with the older kids. His work has just over taken everything this past 8 months and I'm at a breaking point. we both would be 100% behind getting household help or tutors or anything to help me but we just can't right now. And he's legitimately gone a whole lot.

 

I do get away for a few hours here and there on the weekends and that is no problem. Except right now he is working Saturdays too so while I can get away that just leaves me teens in charge and I'm trying I get the basic of weekend work done myself with the teens so I don't feel I have time to usually.

 

really the biggest issue is mornings. And he knows that. And I've asked for specific things. He's not willing to give up basketball or running before work. He's just not.

And I can deal most of the time by hitting the ground running early. But when things happen like last night it just makes me so crazy that he won't break his routine and not go for one day! This has been a constant source of conflict for years. I mean it would be wonderful if we could do the morning routine together but he's just not willing.

 

I can't just go exercise because it would just leave the teens at home to take care of things. Which is ok sometimes but really means lots of TV and a mess when I get home. So it's rarely worth it and I don't want to put more on the teens then they already have so I use it for needed things like appointments and such. Yeah I know my health should be a priority but when I think of not only the time gone but the all that I wouldn't be doing and I had to make up for at home it's not worth it. And that's what makes me frustrated with my husband. None of that applies to him. He just goes and comes back and nothing is left for him to pick up the pieces from.

Edited by busymama7
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I have similar frustrations and no great advice for the most part.  We are not an "all hands on deck" household.

 

As far as exercise, there are a few different options for no-equipment exercises that can be done at home in 10-15 minutes per day.  Right now, I'm using an App on my phone called "10 daily exercises", and in the past I've done the XBX plan: http://www.fit450.com/HTML/XBX_Intro.html  Neither is my "ideal" exercise program, but I can prioritize 15 minutes for a quick workout most days, which is way better than nothing.

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I have been frustrated with a similar situation. Dh has a very conservative view of marriage. I will put it that way. What this means is that even if he asks to help, he doesn't know how. It is just easier and cheaper for me to do it.

 

My mother made an interesting comment. She said, "Of course he doesn't need to worry about it. You just take care of it. What if you just stopped taking care of it? He would figure it out. He isn't stupid. He is brilliant. You parent him and he has no responsibility other than going to work."

 

So I talked with Ds about how overwhelmed I felt (not disparaging his father, but about personal responsiblity and making household tasks fun). We came up with a list of things that Ds can do completely by himself and a few things that he can easily help me with. There was another list of things he wanted to be working toward. As a previous poster mentioned, Ds is not blind. He knew. It has helped me feel supported and shared the load. It also means my son is experiencing family and the household as a place everyone takes part in.

 

I then stopped taking care of everything. I took care of what I could. Ds and I took care of many things together. Dh's feelings were hurt a couple of times, but I was very upfront that he was invited if he wanted to join. The tone of the household shifted to a much larger community feel. Dh felt like he was not as involved at that point, because was choosing not to be. But that did not deter me. I will always invite, and then we will take care of it whether Dh wants to join or not.

 

I do not know why Dh does not understand that the household is a team place. The idea of community in general is hard for him. I am not going to change him. Momentary little blips of help are not the same as recognizing that you are a person who is in need of help which is freely given by someone who you are a team with.

Edited by EndOfOrdinary
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I don't know how to help. My DH came wired this way - the helping thing.

 

He was never one for diapers (he has actually changed more of William's - the 2yo than any of the others combined.) But he will pitch in where he feels good pitching in, if that makes sense. Is that helpful? So, for example, if DH wants to go out and play basketball, can't he take tag alongs? Or play basketball with them?

 

What I was talking about was specifically me being gone during dinner and after -the clean-up, the getting ready for bed. When I was tutoring it was at 6:30 for an hour and it was a drive there. So, pretty much, if I managed to have supper totally ready by 5 then I could eat with the them, but then, after a long day, he was totally on his own with lots of littles in the witching hour, kwim? I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

I will say that when he works and gets home at 5:30 or runs for milk or some random thing from the grocery store, then I am doing most of the dinner and prep. However, with him home by 4-4:30 most nights, he is here for dinner prep. So that has been him pitching in on that or chasing kiddos from the kitchen. I find both useful. BUT I don't know that you can change someone. ? And I don't know if it is good to bang your head against a wall?

 

Is it possible to do less at night? I don't work evenings. By that I mean - I'm off. Truly. When supper is over, I do NOT do dishes. Sometimes I like to help, but that isn't DOING them. I cook, they clean. Family rule.

If I CHOOSE to do work, that's fine. But, most baths, etc. - they are day things. Because otherwise I'm frustrated because he and I BOTH want to sit on our fannies at night and play a game of cribbage. And we do.

 

And so I'll come out with the admission. Long ago I tried to be the woman who burned the candle at both ends - getting up early and going to bed light and I worked my tail off.

Frankly, I care less. I do. I used to LOVE my house being clean at night. Now it's cleanISH. I used to love doing laundry and waking up to it done. It never is anymore. I don't bathe the kids at night most of the time. I don't do dishes at night. I don't grade papers at night. (Yeah, I said it.)

 

I can't change your hubby and maybe the pp is right - maybe marriage counseling would help? I don't know about that. I only know me and my situation. I know that *I* can become very much the martyr and when *I* play that role I'm not super pleasant. I don't like me and I don't think anyone else likes me. And for me, I like a LOT of control - everything done the way I think, in my head, that it should be done. And I needed to let go of some of that and sit on my butt more. I really value MYSELF as a hard worker. And if I wasn't doing that I was being super hard on me. Like I was being lazy or something if all the plates weren't spinning. And I felt I had to do everything on a 10 scale. I hope NONE of this reminds you of you. But I was cooking (like TRULY cooking) three meals a day. And my house was CLEAN, really VERY. And my girls' hair was always cute -braids, pony tails, etc. But *I* couldn't just let me chill. And then came the break. And I couldn't do anything really. I didn't want to do anything. I hit a depression like a brick wall. And my DH picked up the pieces. And I'm more grateful than you can imagine. But it really was either I could maintain my standards or my sanity and I let my standards go. And I REALLY want to emphasize that I am TOTALLY talking about me. But I want to say that I never felt like there were enough hours in the day so I was always frantically trying to get things done and it would drive me crazy to see anyone else doing stuff when I was working SO hard - and I really WAS working so hard, kwim? But I needed to give me a break! I deserved to sit on my bottom too. And I needed to give me permission to do less.

 

So, when you write this, I am no use to you. I don't have the same hubby or the same scenario. But this is encouragement and a hug to you to tell you - you don't have to be all things, do all things, and be amazing. It's okay being a 5 on the 10 scale - - especially if you call off a day of school and get a nap. And it took me 39 years and a face to face battle with a serious bout of depression to get okay with being a 5. But I NEVER want to go back to where I put myself ever, ever, ever again.

Are you me? This all sounds so familiar!

 

Thankfully my husband is a super helper when I give him specific instructions, but I had to chill and be off duty in the evenings or I burned out and got extremely resentful. I also gave some things over to my husband's jurisdiction, like bath time, and just leave it there.

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Are you me? This all sounds so familiar!

 

Thankfully my husband is a super helper when I give him specific instructions, but I had to chill and be off duty in the evenings or I burned out and got extremely resentful. I also gave some things over to my husband's jurisdiction, like bath time, and just leave it there.

 

 

I think it is you, me, most women who are dedicated and hard working mamas.  We think we should be able to be Super Mom and do all things but we cannot.  And when we can't we tend to either grow really sad and broken over what we perceive as our failures, or bitter over what we perceive as others falling short of helping/supporting us to succeed.

 

OP, do I hear that he is working a LOT of hours and trying to really get a business off the ground?  Am I hearing that he is a helper, most of the time, but that this is a season where this is just draining him?

 

I think a lot of us can relate to seasons where we have nothing else to give.  A year ago my DS had college classes, Mock, and no license.  It left me driving into town two and sometimes three times a day.  It wasn't physically tiring, but it was mentally draining (figuring out how to do school and be a good mom to the others) and it was incredibly time consuming.  I think I disappointed people outside of my home because there was nothing left to give.  The pot was empty - it wasn't going in my cup and couldn't go in anyone else's.  And it was just for a small period of time - felt like FOREVER - what is that saying?  The days are long but the years are short.

 

If this is your husband (that he is generally very present in your family) and that he is just currently really trying to make a go of a new biz to support the family, I'd encourage you to minimize your overall workload rather than distribute the workload to him.  I *would* have zero compunction about distributing the workload to children who are not doing outside classes though.  

 

 

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I'm sorry. I would feel frustrated, too. Just this week I have said to my husband about a specific thing, "Why do you assume I am in charge of this, just because I am the mom? Why have you not at least offered to help?" He is generally helpful, but I often just feel burdened by the many demands of life and being a mom.

 

I think others have offered good advice. I will just add one thought. It sounds like he is a creature of habit. Could you ask him for two specific changes to his routine that would help you?

 

1) On the days that he goes running... I assume that he does this alone and not with a group. Can he change the time that he gets up, so that he finishes his run earlier? And then use the extra time to assist you before he goes to work. If he agrees to this, discuss together what specific duties he can always do on those mornings and ask him to always do the same task.

 

2) Ask him to take on one specific evening task. You might need to list some options of things that would be helpful to you, and let him choose one. Ask him to do it every day. If he uses any kind of personal planner or calendar, ask him to add it to the calendar, so that you don't have to remind him.

 

I find that I get annoyed when I ask DH to handle something, and then he forgets, and I have to ask again. So I have asked him to keep a to-do list on his phone. Many times now, I will ask him if he can get out his phone and add something to his list. Sometimes it is as easy as, "Call your mother back." Other times it is a bigger request. But it helps prevent me from feeling resentment over the need to keep reminding him. His phone can be the reminder, then, instead of me.

 

I think if you ask for him to make two small changes to his routine, so that he is doing the same thing every single day, it may make a difference. You won't be able to change him. But you can change the way that you ask him for help.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Edited by Storygirl
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