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So how has life turned out for you?


Sharon77
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I'm reading that other thread "Tips to Prepare to become a homeschooling mom" and the replies are fascinating.  

 

I have now been married for 25 years, and have homeschooled for most of those years. I am a different person and many of my views have changed with age and experiences.  

 

So, I'm curious to know how life has turned out for you in comparison with your dreams and plans?

 

For me:

 

1. I am not encouraging my dd to become a full time SAHM. After 25 yrs of married life, I have seen enough horror stories even within my small hs community to know I will never put my dd at risk like that. She has seen it too and agrees. She has chosen a high demand profession with incredible flexibility. She can work part-time, from home, or contract work. 

 

2. I don't know if I would have homeschooled this long. Homeschooling high school has been very hard. It's all consuming to give them a full education and I don't recommend it to anyone. 

 

3. We have had health scares with my husband and it is scary to be so reliant on one person. It is by the grace of God we have made it thus far and I look forward to working.

 

How about you?

 

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I have never been in favor of raising girls to be SAHMs and somehow limiting their scope of experiences as if a mother does not need to be well rounded. By inference, it almost appears as if proponents of this philosophy are saying "mothers don't need to know much."

I am all in favor of having options and being able to choose to stay home with your kids during part or all of their childhood.

 

I never regretted homeschooling to HS. Ds made a seamless transition to community college because he took a few classes there for credit - dual enrollment.

 

I view life in phases and I am in a new phase of moving forward in my field, learning more and being able to do some specialized studies that are of interest to me.

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Ditto to your points above. I would have not homeschooled a couple of my kids as long as I did; my thoughts are more along the lines of I wish I (well, my dh, too) would have been more aware of and prepared for the cost & logistics of other options to be prepared to have choices ready for if/when a kid appeared to need more than I could offer at home. In other words, I'd be less committed to form over function.

 

I'd have kept a hand in my career field at a part time level over the years. Just when it's time to incur college & wedding expenses, here I am, out of step with what's going on in my field, which limits my options. I don't want to work in retail, so I'm having to get creative with my earning power. Still figuring that one out. I did work part time for many years, but in a line of work that really was not my first choice and robbed me of prime family time (nights and weekends). I do not want to go back to that.

 

I've learned a whole lot over the years about the phrase, "watch and pray." In those earlier years I was more the make-it-happen type, but I've learned there's often value in letting time and truth walk hand in hand.

Edited by Seasider
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I love my life.

 

Married 18 years (next week!), in love with the same very cool guy for 30+ years. We took a decade or so to get our careers going, no regrets there, got married after school. Traveled separately and together.

 

We've homeschooled our 13 yr old from day 1. Middle school has been intense, planning on HS but open to a local private school. DD is in K and homeschooling but again - I'm open to brick and mortar school if it becomes the best choice.

 

Both kids are being educated to move on to college, and beyond. If they opt to delay college, or choose not to go - I'm okay with that, but they will not be limited by the education they get from me. My goal is for them to graduate HS with all the options they can possibly have, and not limited choices.

 

I am absolutely not steering DD to be a SAHM, though I don't undervalue that work - at all. I want her to have other options though, and to be able to choose her path without having to first jump through hoops like making up for lost time or a poor education.

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It turns out that I don't make a very good SAH/homeschooling Mom. I'm a much better person with regular adult interaction and conversation. I gained some hard-earned knowledge, so I can't say for sure I'd do things differently, but my kids are currently in school. I might homeschool again in the future, but I would NOT give up my whole life to it again. I'd work at least part time. There needs to be a balance between what's best for them and what's best for me. Sometimes we have to settle on "good enough" for both.

 

I will support my kids in whatever they choose to do. Whether that is to get married, stay single, have kids, not have kids, etc. I will insist on college for both.

Edited by fraidycat
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{{Sadie}}

 

I think it's hard when you are in the midst of adolescent parenting to have any perspective, imo.  Well, anyway, for me.  Things swing so wildly.  There are days I think we are making a mistake and days when I see clearly that we could easily be in the same place or a worse place if they went to school.  These  young ones we raised so carefully have to make their own way and, mine at least, want to make their own mistakes.  I've been encouraged lately by someone to focus on what's going well, even in the midst of what is hard.  So, when my oldest is upset about how his social life imploded this year I tell myself that he is processing it.  He is wondering how he used to make friends so easily and how he can do that again.  Even though he's not putting himself out as much as I want, he is still involved.  And most of all, the imploding happened bc he set strong boundaries with a friend who turned toxic and that is very, very good.

 

Anyway, OP, that's a hard question. Life has actually turned out well for me, if I'm honest.  There are things I didn't expect and things I didn't expect to be hard have been way harder than I would have expected.  I, too, found SAHMing harder than I would have imagined.  We don't have my exact vision of homeschooling, but it is good. 

 

The only thing I would have done over is kept working one day a week when the kids were small. That would have been very healthy for me.  However, the reasons that didn't happen (including being in a different country from my teaching cert) are not ones I necessarily would have wanted to change, so who knows.  I did the best that I could.

 

 

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I wish i would have picked a career that I could work part-time through the kid years. But, had I worked part-time, I probably wouldn't have 5 kids so maybe I'm glad I didn't? Idk. Life isn't turning out like I expected and it kinda sucks.

Edited by Moxie
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Hm.  Well I see life as always ongoing so I don't look back too often in that way.  I made some choices did the best I could with them.  I can only speculate on what results I would have gotten with different choices.  I assume they'd have their pros and cons. 

 

At this point I'm kinda in one day at a time mode.

 

 

Edited by SparklyUnicorn
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I'm happy with how everything has turned out.

 

I've been married almost 25 years. I've been home with kids for close to 23 of those years. I'm happy with where my kids are and how they are doing. I'm happy with my marriage. I'm looking forward to falling asleep holding hands tonight and to doing fun weekend stuff with the kids tomorrow.

 

My friends from high school say that I have the life that most resembles what I always said that I wanted.

 

Sometimes I tease that I'm such a happy person because I have low standards. In reality, I do think that I have a personality that has always focused on the positive. I could focus on the things that haven't gone as I expected, but what is the point?

 

The sun is shining. The flowers are blooming. My whole family is healthy. I love my church. I love my neighbors. I love my beautiful house.

 

I don't try to steer my kids in any direction. I encourage them to listen to the quiet voice within. That is where they will find their direction and their purpose.

 

I've promised to support their goals and believe in them and love who they love.

 

Life is good.

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I'm very happy with my life as it is right now, but it wasn't exactly a smooth, straight line to get here. (married young, kid, financial struggles, 16 years to finish my degree, divorce, remarried, more kids, some struggles)

 

I'm happy homeschooling my kids and it is definitely the best thing for both of them.  A few years ago, I was starting to get a little burnt out, in a rut, spending too much time without other adult conversation.  But, then I had to go back to work for a few years which kind of served as a reset.  I'm much more aware of the importance of staying social - for ME - than I was before.  Before I was caught up in little kids, lack of sleep, and trying to do it all.   Now, we have 4-H and I serve on the Fair committee without the kids, I work teaching afterschool enrichment programs, and I have other adults that I get together with to do things fairly frequently, sometimes with kids sometimes without.

 

My time working did put a little bit of a hitch in the kids education - they were both more accelerated before I went back to work - but they are still on grade level so not a huge deal.

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The younger of my two graduates in June. I've worked continuously since my oldest was 18 months old. 

 

I lost my job prior to that in a reduction-in-force right after I went out on maternity leave. With a graduate degree and additional graduate work in education, I didn't have any problems getting a college adjunct job. We felt like I needed to continue to work in a professional capacity. I now teach 100% online, usually 3-4 classes a semester, but I spent about ten years in the classroom before that.

 

I added teaching local homeschool classes when I couldn't afford classes I wanted for my own children, and that grew into more teaching online as an independent contractor.

 

I currently make about what a beginning teacher makes, all working from home. Frankly I miss the classroom, but at-home is what I need in this chapter of life.

 

I didn't foresee this. I had originally planned to just "dabble," and here I am, the breadwinner. DH had to retire early and has dementia and significant medical issues. The future is indeed very uncertain with his issues, but if I hadn't been working all along, we would truly be in deep trouble. He may have to go to a nursing home at some point. We have long-term care insurance and some resources, but it's on my mind.

 

Thankfully I received a small inheritance that is paying for community college and then having them commute to a selective 4-year. The 4-year has the exact programs mine need. I would have liked to have been able to send them further from home, but as they entered high school, I was very frank with them about the financial limitations. My oldest got into selective schools with unfortunately minimal merit aid, but he wanted to explore a bit and has been very happy at the community college. The price is right!

 

So no, it didn't end up the way I pictured some 20 years ago when I was pregnant and thinking about homeschooling. But I'm not one that dwells on that. I really just try to cope day-by-day.

 

And yes, I've always encouraged my daughter to plan something that she could do part-time if she chooses to step away from full-time employment to spend more time with her children. And as a back-up if there's no husband in the picture, or if they need the income. Both of my kids talk about wanting to homeschool their kids, but of course it's up to them. 

 

 

Edited by G5052
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That's true, and I hope in ten or twenty years I look back and see the sacrifice as meaningful. 

 

I hope you do, too. (And all of us really). I'm beginning to think that it's possible the sacrifice was meaningful the most for how I am changing and growing.  I never thought I was judgemental, but I know that right now I have way more compassion than I did a few years ago.

 

Last night we had a young man and his wife over.  Both were homeschooled.  He went to school in highschool b/c he was driving his parents crazy. It sounds like he was a handful.  He is now a delightful 30 year old, stable, happily married and, at his own admission, in a much different place than he was at 14.  Neither expressed regrets for homeschooling.  (Even the wife, who lived rural, rarely did anything outside of the home--you know isolated--so many of our biggest fear!. She is now an optometrist in a major city, has gone to Europe several times and is a delight)

 

We have so much less control than we think. That is so hard for me.  But I am determined not to decide based on our right now.  (Which actually, when I shift perspective is not so bad).

.

But I do have some contemplating to do on the path for me next ds and my younger by four years seven year old

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That's true, and I hope in ten or twenty years I look back and see the sacrifice as meaningful. 

 

Thus far, I see it as meaningful. My teens are delightful, hard-working young people. They both are level-headed.

 

Not that they wouldn't have been otherwise, but I know that homeschooling is a factor for them both.

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I'm happy with my life.  Life circumstances have not always been great and I wouldn't have chosen to have a chronic illness for 30 years now (and no reason to think that I will ever be cured).  But I have parented the way I wanted to and while my kids aren't perfect and we've had challenges, I'm happy with those things I can control.  And I have homeschooled the way I wanted to and again, my kids aren't perfect and we've had challenges, but I'm happy with how it has turned out.  If I knew what I know now I would do exactly the same.  Only I wouldn't have worried so much while doing it that it would turn out ok. 

 

I'm happy with level of education I have.  I am happy with my prior work experiences.  I'm happy with my current unpaid work for my family.  I'm happy with my social life.  Again - nothing is perfect and there have been plenty of challenges but I guess the best word I could use to describe things is that I'm content. 

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There are very many ways that I've been privileged, but homeschooling feels like the biggest luxury of all. I wouldn't trade one day spent with my children because there is nothing I enjoy more.

 

Through the years, I've done different things to earn money. I started a church preschool where I was director and teacher. I later had a preschool in my home 2 days a week. I homeschooled my neighbors son for years, and I raised dairy goats and sold soap and yarn that we made. I treasure those memories of being together. I don't think that my kids would be rude or in trouble or not smart if they had gone to school, but I would have missed so much of their childhood.

 

I don't think everyone should homeschool. I don't think everyone should have children. It has just worked out for me because it fits in with my goals and my talent and with my joy.

 

I expect my children to be different and to want a different kind of life. But I think they will be happier if they make choices that are dear to their hearts no matter what it is.

 

My teenager's PS friends are envious that she has had time to eat hot meals, pursue her art and her hobbies, and get plenty of sleep while still being prepared to do well in college.

 

It is a very privileged lifestyle. I don't regret it because it has made me so happy and because I feel like it is serving my children well.

 

I don't mean to diminish anyone else's situation. I just feel very lucky that I have been able to live the live I have.

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I hear you, Sadie.  But it might not have worked out the other way either. That's what I'm  beginning to understand.  "The way it all turns out" seems less related to each of those choices we made.  We can work so hard at connection and building our kids confidence and still see them suffer.  So, should we have done all the things we turned our back on?  I don't think so  b/c life isn't just about the choices we make in order for good to happen in the some day.  It's about the right now, as well.  And all you or I or any other of us poured into our children who are not now happy actually may be grounding and helping them in ways now and in the future that we don't even know or that we can't even guess.

 

Even job choices.  I think of the folks in my country who, when leaving school, entered factory work locally b/c it was a good stable job, with benefits and long term financial security, only to see the "rules" change on them when they were in mid-life.  Did they make the wrong choice b/c they didn't know what was going to come?  No, they made the best choice on the best info they had.

 

If you can, try to focus on the good--you are re-training. You love your kids. You are doing your best.  You are a good mother. I think you are in a stable relationship, right? 

 

And, it seems, being a good mother may not be about making all the right choices that end up in a "happily ever after".  Huh.  This may not be a paradigm shift for most of you, but it appears it is one for me.

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I try not to think about it. I'm just trying to stay positive about the now I have.

 

Taking a long career break was devastating financially and career ending. Dh and I need to stay healthy because we will have to work until we die.

It's hard getting a 2E kid through adolescence and still worrying about actual launch.

It's hard having another kid with significant special needs.

There's a lot of guilt with whether I really met the needs of the DD sandwiched between the other two high demand kids.

There's a lot of guilt when I review past parenting decisions.

There's a lot of guilt still about doing enough.

I'm disappointed I didn't get to travel places.

 

See this is why I don't think about it. That's depressing.

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Life has had its ups and downs for me. Thankfully, it's had enough ups to make up for the downs.

 

I'm doing pretty much what I always wanted to do. I've been happily married to my high school sweetheart for eighteen years, and he's pretty awesome. I always wanted a big family, and got five beautiful, amazing children. We live in the kind of place we always wanted to live, in a pre-Civil War farmhouse with a cheery yellow kitchen that makes me smile, in a place where we have friends and favorite restaurants and librarians who pull our holds when they see our car. I am content and happy at home, and he generally likes his job. Our life looks pretty much the way we always hoped it would. There's nothing I'd really rather be doing or wish I had done (except for maybe some traveling, and I have time for that).

 

We've had a few rough times too. Our only vehicle was stolen once, and we've had way more vehicle troubles than most people. (Seriously. I've put five alternators in four vehicles, starting two weeks after our wedding.). My husband works long hours, and his industry got hammered with the recession, so we've had some lean times. We adore our children and love being with them, but two dedicated introverts and homeschooling five children takes some finesse. An old house is cool but a lot of work. We've experienced the major joys of hearing our babies' first cries, but we've also held our child as he died. (Undeniably the last two months have been the hardest, and even as we're grateful for the blessings and miracles, we can't help but wish they had turned out differently.). But all of those hard times have also taught us to be grateful for what we have, to savor the little moments, and never to take anything, even and especially each other, for granted.

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Life's turned out beautifully for me. I'm very fortunate and thankful. No regrets.

 

That said, my life being fabulous is very dependent on my very fortunate choice of spouse. :) I take no credit for that whatsoever. Pure, blind luck, lol. 

 

I don't think anyone should be entirely dependent on a spouse's sanity or kindness for their own welfare. Death and disability can be insured against (and MUST be, IMHO, in a situation like mine which is very dependent on one high earning spouse) . . . but craziness or midlife meanness, etc. can't be insured against. So, everyone should have a back up plan, which in my mind means a good education preparing for some sort of reasonable job, and being financially assertive and responsible from Day 1 of the marriage as well. I got my education and a back up plan, so that was good. I'm glad I didn't need to use it, but I had it, and I think everyone should have that before having kids. And I did always make sure to be responsible and assertive financially, making sure we had the insurance needed, taking responsibility for financial strategy/planning/investing, and getting the financial and estate planning needed done, etc. Just because you are not a main wage earner does NOT excuse you from being financially responsible. IMHO, it is imperative for a non-earning spouse to be very active in finances. 

 

I hope my kids can all have a choice to have a parent at home full time or to have one or both parents working reduced hours for at least the years while their kids are young. I'm encouraging them all to pursue careers that offer good pay, flexibility, and meaningful work. We have lots of honest conversations about finances and career choices and how those things impact quality of life and family happiness. I hope they make good choices.

 

My girls both are very determined to homeschool their kids as they have very positive feelings about our homeschooling journey (my boy is grouchier and more noncommittal about having kids at all, lol), and we'll see how that turns out for them . . . If they live near me (or we live near them!), then I'd definitely love to be able to support and assist them in that. I have dreams of being the helpful grandma who comes and snuggles or strolls the babies while Mom teaches her older kids . . . and the helpful grandma who takes over teaching a topic or two when helpful . . . or who handles the dishes and laundry a couple afternoons a week so Mom can get some quality time in with the kids . . . I hope I get to be that helpful grandma someday, whatever schooling option they choose for their kids. I just really look forward to squooshy grand babies, lol. (It's been too long without a baby in the family!)

 

I agree that homeschooling high school is a big challenge and not for everyone, at all. We have been able to afford to outsource a lot of high school, which is a huge convenience. I think if I was "fresher" to homeschooling, maybe I could have enjoyed jumping in and really doing high school with my kids, but after 20 years of FT parenting and homeschooling for 15+ of those years, I'm worn out enough to be happy to be able to outsource many courses. If I couldn't afford to outsource and "buy" convenience that way, I think I'd have had to send them to a regular school. 

 

 

 

 

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Eh.  It could be much, much worse.  

 

I don't regret homeschooling my kids.  I'm happy with the prep for college I've given them.  My oldest is graduating this semester with an Associates and will be working after that...living at home and saving money for a while.  This is a kid that I wasn't sure I'd be able to drag to the high school finish line.  My younger two are doing well and each have earned scholarships at a couple of schools.  It is still up in the air as to which ones they'll attend this fall.

 

I'm glad that I've prepared them to live independently and that they won't (hopefully) be trapped into depending on a husband to care for them.  My mind set on this has shifted over the years, and it is more of a priority for us now.  (My husband doesn't always agree, as he was able to land a great career without college...but is beginning to see that it is much harder now to start out life like we did)

I wish I'd gotten a degree before kids.  I started college after high school (but got married in high school).  However, life was hard and I dropped out.  Now I'm 40 and trying to get a degree so I can work.  We are looking at chronic health problems in dh, an unsure medical future for him, and me without a degree or much of a work record for the past 15 years or so.  I need security  :coolgleamA: 

My life isn't what I'd dreamed when I was younger.  In some ways it is better than I'd hoped, but in other ways it is sad in ways I didn't foresee.  

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