When someone keeps inviting you over

[DawnM]

but you don't want to go?

I can't get into too much detail as I have no idea who lurks on these boards.

 

A former "friend" is trying to get together with me.  There were multiple situations in the past that make me not have any desire to spend time with her.  She is quite manipulative and I have no desire to get involved in that drama again.

 

How do you say no repeatedly but nicely?  At this point I don't even care if she starts gossiping about me again, i just don't want to be in her life.

 

I lost sleep over this last night and I am now going to work exhausted.  

 

UGH.

 

 

Edited January 26, 2017 by DawnM

[SparklyUnicorn]

I guess I'd just keep making excuses until she gets the hint.  Which hopefully doesn't take forever.

 

Maybe that's not the best and most direct tactic, but I have nothing better.  LOL

 

 

[wintermom]

Ignore all their texts, e-mails and phone calls. 

[Lawana]

Ignore all their texts, e-mails and phone calls.

This is what I would do too. If you see her in person, just keep turning the invitations down. "Sorry, I am so busy, I just can't."

[Katy]

"I'm sorry, but we're really busy these days and I'm not going to have time to do that now or anytime until at least my kids are grown. Do you have any idea how much time it takes to (insert your plausible but fake reason here): do homeschooling well?"  Is a kind, indirect option.

 

I tend to prefer strong boundaries to being kind and would probably be cold and say, "This is awkward, but we can't be friends.  I'm still upset that you  (whatever the manipulative situation was), and while I can forgive you, I don't think I'll ever trust you.  You should just stop asking."

 

 

ETA: I would only use the latter option for someone who refuses to take a hint.

Edited January 26, 2017 by Katy

[G5052]

Blunt here too.

 

After the pressure continued, I'd say, "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work. I really don't want to pursue this."

 

I had to do this with a neighbor some years back as well as someone in our church who wanted to "disciple" me in an unhealthy way.

[JFSinIL]

This is what I would do too. If you see her in person, just keep turning the invitations down. "Sorry, I am so busy, I just can't."

 

This.  And that is all. Provide no reasons or excuses.  Unless she is dense as a brick, she will get the hint.  But do not offer any reason or excuse, you do not want to get tangled in a conversation or have her find "solutions" that would enable you to get together.  "Sorry, I am so busy, I just can't"  ...followed by "Don't let me keep you" as you hang-up or disconnect or walk away, depending on circumstances.

Edited January 26, 2017 by JFSinIL

[marbel]

Hard as it is, I think the direct way is best.    "you hurt me deeply [whenever it was] and I don't want to pursue a renewed relationship with you" or something like that, appropriate to what actually happened.

 

I've been dumped by someone using the "Sorry, can't, too busy" routine.   I would have much preferred she just tell me outright that our friendship was over.  Either I was dense as a brick or she was too good an actress, because I bought the line for too long.  Not only was the realization painful, it was embarrassing.    

[JudoMom]

Another vote for being honest and direct. It's the quickest and kindest way.

[Garga]

Direct. I'm not so good at understanding hints. I take people at their word. If they say they're busy this weekend, I assume they're busy, so then I ask again for the next weekend.

 

How humiliating to have it suddenly dawn on someone that the person wasn't busy.

 

Direct. As uncomfortable as it is.

[OneStepAtATime]

Polite but direct, as some others have stated, might be the best course of action.  Maybe something like "I appreciate that you really want to get together but I do not have a desire to renew our friendship." or "I must be honest here, I don't say this to hurt you but I really don't want us to get together.  I feel it is best if we just let the friendship end." or something that you feel is more you but is still very short, very clear, not rude.

 

However, if she has a personality disorder, she still may not get the message.  Or she may go on the offensive and try to make others turn against you for your rejection.  Which stinks but I don't know that you would be able to predict ahead of time and setting boundaries seems necessary here regardless since she isn't getting the hint.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Junie]

Hard as it is, I think the direct way is best.    "you hurt me deeply [whenever it was] and I don't want to pursue a renewed relationship with you" or something like that, appropriate to what actually happened.

 

I've been dumped by someone using the "Sorry, can't, too busy" routine.   I would have much preferred she just tell me outright that our friendship was over.  Either I was dense as a brick or she was too good an actress, because I bought the line for too long.  Not only was the realization painful, it was embarrassing.    

:iagree: This has happened to me, too.

[Selkie]

I have a similar problem, but this person keeps trying to invite herself over to my house, which makes it even more awkward. Sigh...

[FaithManor]

I had to be blunt with the pastor of my parents's church. He and his wife kept nagging us to have dinner with them. The reality was we already knew through the grapevine that it was to lecture us about our souls because our church is more progressive/liberal.

 

Dh finally said, "Please do not contact us again about this. We will not get together with you and these matters are not open for discussion."

[poppy]

Anyone else flashing to the "VENT: "Let's Get Together" thread?

Just be honest.

Don't be an (expletive deleted) and ignore her.  Be a grownup and say, I'm not really interested in getting together.

[Xahm]

I wouldn't be able to say "you hurt me too deeply" in most situations. Instead, I think I would try "this is a busy time of life for me and I have to be true to the commitments and relationships I've already got."

[BigMamaBird]

Direct. I'm not so good at understanding hints. I take people at their word. If they say they're busy this weekend, I assume they're busy, so then I ask again for the next weekend.

 

How humiliating to have it suddenly dawn on someone that the person wasn't busy.

 

Direct. As uncomfortable as it is.

 

I liked this post, but I wanted to quote it to strongly agree with it. 

 

Some of us don't take social cues well and/or assume the best of everyone.  Let her down truthfully.  

[emmaluv+2more]

Anyone else flashing to the "VENT: "Let's Get Together" thread?

Just be honest.

Don't be an (expletive deleted) and ignore her. Be a grownup and say, I'm not really interested in getting together.

Yes, this. I have someone who accepts invites, acts interested, but then cancels every single time. I'm finally giving up and taking it as she's just not interested. It would have been so much easier if she had just been honest from the beginning. Hurtful, but better.

[zoobie]

Gossiping about you **again**? If there's been an issue, I'd say something like, "While I have forgiven you for XYZ and am glad we have a cordial public relationship, I am not interested in pursuing a private friendship."

[Anne in CA]

As busy as you are, Dawn, I'd simply say you are too busy for new social obligations in this season of your life. 

[Seasider]

I think under the circumstances, you can be both honest and concise. "I am still navigating the changes of returning to work full time and putting the kids in school. This new schedule doesn't allow me time for anything but tending to my most close and current relationships."

 

Since you say she has a history of being manipulative, I wouldn't give her too many words to twist. Seems like if you don't want to string her along, all you need to do is avoid any hint of "maybe another time," kwim?

[Spryte]

Dawn, however you handle it, have an espresso drink afterward. :)

 

I prefer the direct approach, too, but it's hard. Only you know how this person will react, and if she'll repeat and/or twist what you say. Do what you must to protect yourself.

[Mimm]

Threads like this make me paranoid. I have a friend who is "too busy" a lot, but she acts like we're still friends.... but it has been a couple months since we got together. And she ignored a couple texts. But she said her kids get into her phone and she doesn't see texts. I don't think I did anything to offend her. I have a high opinion of her and there was never any drama. But I'm very drama averse and sometimes don't notice when drama happens unless it's right in my face. Or maybe she just doesn't like me. Or maybe she really is that busy...

 

See? Just doing the break up is the kindest thing to do. She'll know for sure, and she'll stop bugging you.

[DawnM]

Thanks guys.  

 

 

Yes, she gossips terribly and I have heard some of the things she has said about me.  They aren't any worse than what she has said about some others, but they are not nice.

 

I feel like she will gossip either way, so I guess it doesn't matter if I go or don't go in that regard.

 

I don't want to tell her she hurt me.  I don't want to open things back up.  She has this overly "Christian duty" to make things right with people and will hash and rehash things to death until people just ignore her and then she says, "Well, I did X and Y and Z to try to make it right with her, but SHE did A, B, and C and so, the Bible says to be at peace with all men as much as it is up to you and so I did MY part."  It is absolute hogwash, but it makes her feel justified.

 

Can you tell she really bothers me?  I wish I could let it go more easily than I can.

Edited January 26, 2017 by DawnM

[OneStepAtATime]

Thanks guys.  

 

 

Yes, she gossips terribly and I have heard some of the things she has said about me.  They aren't any worse than what she has said about some others, but they are not nice.

 

I feel like she will gossip either way, so I guess it doesn't matter if I go or don't go in that regard.

 

I don't want to tell her she hurt me.  I don't want to open things back up.  She has this overly "Christian duty" to make things right with people and will hash and rehash things to death until people just ignore her and then she says, "Well, I did X and Y and Z to try to make it right with her, but SHE did A, B, and C and so, the Bible says to be at people with all men as much as it is up to you and so I did MY part."  It is absolute hogwash, but it makes her feel justified.

 

Can you tell she really bothers me?  I wish I could let it go more easily than I can.

could she also have NPD?

[DawnM]

could she also have NPD?

 

Yup, and quite Histrionic.  

[OneStepAtATime]

Yup, and quite Histrionic.  

Ugh.  Then, yeah, definitely don't say more than absolutely necessary but say it really, really, clearly.  No room for waffling or her trying to "fix" whatever barriers you state are preventing you from having time.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

BTDT.  Its a no win scenario.

[Jaybee]

Confrontation mortifies me. Yet, it is sometimes necessary. I don't think you have to tell her she hurt you. From the other things you have said in this thread, it sounds like it would give her some power over you that she shouldn't have. But I do wonder if you could tell her that you don't like hearing the way she talks about others, and you'd rather not pursue the friendship because of that. Besides, you are really busy with your new job and other life responsibilities. (Not sure I'd have the guts to do it myself, but if someone doesn't get the hint through more subtle means...)

[PrincessMommy]

Thanks guys.  

 

 

Yes, she gossips terribly and I have heard some of the things she has said about me.  They aren't any worse than what she has said about some others, but they are not nice.

 

I feel like she will gossip either way, so I guess it doesn't matter if I go or don't go in that regard.

 

I don't want to tell her she hurt me.  I don't want to open things back up.  She has this overly "Christian duty" to make things right with people and will hash and rehash things to death until people just ignore her and then she says, "Well, I did X and Y and Z to try to make it right with her, but SHE did A, B, and C and so, the Bible says to be at peace with all men as much as it is up to you and so I did MY part."  It is absolute hogwash, but it makes her feel justified.

 

Can you tell she really bothers me?  I wish I could let it go more easily than I can.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable telling someone they hurt me either.  Especially someone you have described.

 

hugs.  I know how hard it is when old wounds get opened up.  Sorry she's hurting you all over again.

[Katy]

Thanks guys.  

 

 

Yes, she gossips terribly and I have heard some of the things she has said about me.  They aren't any worse than what she has said about some others, but they are not nice.

 

I feel like she will gossip either way, so I guess it doesn't matter if I go or don't go in that regard.

 

I don't want to tell her she hurt me.  I don't want to open things back up.  She has this overly "Christian duty" to make things right with people and will hash and rehash things to death until people just ignore her and then she says, "Well, I did X and Y and Z to try to make it right with her, but SHE did A, B, and C and so, the Bible says to be at peace with all men as much as it is up to you and so I did MY part."  It is absolute hogwash, but it makes her feel justified.

 

Can you tell she really bothers me?  I wish I could let it go more easily than I can.

 

"I don't like gossip, and I don't like people that gossip.  We're never going to be friends."

[Guest]

I think direct is better if the person keeps coming back because, as Mimm said upthread, this makes me paranoid when people claim to be busy. Or, as in the thread we just had, when someone just keeps telling you they would "love to get together," but they never actually pull out a calendar and plan something.

 

I *hate* conflict with a passion, but the couple of times I have realized I don't want to be friends with this person, I have been more direct than just claiming perpetual busy-ness. Not as direct as I think is ideal (I never want to hurt people), but direct enough that I made it clear I wasn't budging for the person anymore. With one woman, it came to a head over my kid's birthday party. She wanted me to change it to suit her. I just reiterated about five times, "No, sorry. I made it for that time for a specific reason...oh, I'm sorry your kid naps then, but that's when it's going to be...nope, sorry, it's staying at the time I made it. Too bad."

 

So direct-ish. More direct than sending mixed signals about how much I would *love* to get together with her but I'm just too darned busy...

 

ETA: spelling

Edited January 26, 2017 by Quill

[happi duck]

I vote direct but without leaving yourself vulnerable.

 

What about "No. I don't want to get together"

[gardenmom5]

so sorry, that won't work.  have a good day.  rinse, repeat.  as many times as possible.  do you engage with her in other places?  she might be taking those signals as you want to be friendly.

[DawnM]

so sorry, that won't work.  have a good day.  rinse, repeat.  as many times as possible.  do you engage with her in other places?  she might be taking those signals as you want to be friendly.

 

 

Not since I stopped homeschooling.  

 

I ran into her once, but didn't chat long.  

[gaillardia]

There have been times when I have been overcome by a complete personality change of my own when dealing with those kinds of people. 

I do: No direct eye contact. Works pretty good. 

Nearly explosive responses (in my case, that'd be me responding loudly, rudely and seeming to be in control of the situation). This has worked for me also.

Basic avoidance of person if out in public and/or in a large group of people, if possible. This has worked for me.

 

She is worth something to someone, but not to you. She is not worth your losing sleep over. She is not valuable to you. (Is this working yet?)

 

Or, when she wants to get together, and expresses that in person, say firmly and with intense eye contact, "No, thank you." And move on. That has worked for me. You don't owe her any reasons on why. If it were me thinking that I owed her an explanation, I would freak out at her when I started telling her why. Oh boy. 

And last of all, I have prayed for myself to be okay and at peace, and prayed for the person when I've been faced with who has this kind of behavior. It always helps me and gives me strength that I can't summon up on my own. It comforts me and the whole problem seems to fade away. I'm free to pick it up and start worrying about it if I think I need to be miserable again. That's what works for me. Bless you. 

[Rosie_0801]

Why do you have to be nice?

[gaillardia]

Why do you have to be nice?

LIKE

LIKE 

LIKE

[trulycrabby]

"No thank you," then walk away.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited February 4, 2017 by .qp_

[DawnM]

Why do you have to be nice?

 

Oh Rosie, I was taught that is the "Godly way" to handle things.  Somehow they neglected to see the times Jesus was blunt and made people mad.  

[DawnM]

So are there actually 2 issues you're grappling with?  The gossipy woman, plus the twisted Biblical justification she uses for her own behavior?  Maybe you could separate them and deal with them separately, involving the woman or not.

 

 

 

 

What do you mean by dealing with it without involving the woman?

[Rosie_0801]

Oh Rosie, I was taught that is the "Godly way" to handle things.  Somehow they neglected to see the times Jesus was blunt and made people mad.  

 

Yeah. Me too.

 

I'm working very hard to teach dd to treat people well when they treat her well, and not to go over and above for people who don't. It's hard, since my internal yard stick doesn't work properly and hers has been trained not to work properly in some situations also.

 

I remember my barrister saying "I wasn't brought up to be polite!" And I replied, "yeah, that's why you're the barrister and I'm the DV victim."

 

I don't feel comfortable bringing my daughter up *not* to be polite, though I can see the advantages. :lol:

[zoobie]

How does she issue the invites? Can you ghost her on FB and block her number?

[DawnM]

How does she issue the invites? Can you ghost her on FB and block her number?

 

Email.  Or she asks a family member of hers to ask a family member of mine to ask me.  Once in person.   

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited February 4, 2017 by .qp_

[Seasider]

Email. Or she asks a family member of hers to ask a family member of mine to ask me. Once in person.

Both of these seem easily dodgeable.

[DawnM]

Working through it in your own mind.  I can't tell, but maybe you're getting stuck on her screwy Biblical justifications, partly because of the way you were raised (if I'm remembering that correctly)?  That, and thinking you have to be 'nice' to her.  Being nice and setting boundaries aren't mutually exclusive, as I'm sure you already know.  

 

Plus, I might tell family member to stop relaying messages for her.  And I, personally, would mark her emails as spam.   

 

 

True.

 

I was trying to explain this to another person last night.  Someone who doesn't live in the area and doesn't know her or her family at all.  The person said, "Oh, maybe she has had a change of heart."  When I explained a little more, she agreed I should keep my distance.  Mental illness and personality disorders don't change.  And I am quite sure she doesn't think SHE has a problem.  Everyone else does.  

 

I have a family member with some of these same issues, so it sends me into rigors when I have to deal with it.  THere is no reasoning with these folks, always someone else's fault, always that you just can't see it THEIR way, so they explain again and again.  It exhausts me.

Edited January 27, 2017 by DawnM

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited February 4, 2017 by .qp_

[KungFuPanda]

Repeatedly declining several invitations in a row IS being direct. If someone has turned you down after 3-4 attempts, you should stop asking them. If they are truly busy, and they're interested in your company, they will get back to you but if they're blowing you off you won't hear from them about it. You let it go, move on, and at some point in the future the answer will become clear. I don't know why anyone would REQUIRE a dramatic confrontation or get fixated on NEEDING an answer right now. Incessantly badgering someone is just rude. Free free set them free . . .

[J-rap]

I'm not so good at being direct if it's telling someone I don't want to be around them.  But, if they weren't getting my obvious hints, then I'd just not answer the phone or emails/texts anymore.