What does "play date" mean to you? (JAWM, maybe)

[LynnS]

When another parent contacts you and suggests a play date, what does this generally mean to you? If I suggest a play date to another mom, I feel the onus is on me to host it, most likely at my house, or otherwise to suggest a suitable mutually agreeable spot (park, museum, etc). If at my house, I'm responsible for supplying a snack or lunch depending on timing. Whether or not the parent wants to hang out or not is up to them, and I'm fine either way.  

 

When other moms suggest a play date to me, it almost always seems to involve them dropping their child off with me and heading off. For example, another mom contacted me about having a play date after a morning drop-off activity both of our children attend, which ends at noon; she'd drop off the child's car seat at the activity and pick the child up from me in the afternoon. So at this point I'm installing a car seat, feeding her child lunch, and taking the child somewhere (home, park), for a play date SHE suggested. I'm just taken aback by this. I would never suggest a play date to someone that would include transporting and feeding my kid, it seems very presumptuous. 

 

Many of the parents in my homeschooling circles have more than one child, and mine is an only. I understand that managing littles while trying to get separate social fun time for the slightly olders is challenging, but I'm beginning to feel taken advantage of. 

 

 

 

[eternalsummer]

If it's the first time the kids have played together outside the activity or school, I agree that the person suggesting it should be essentially inviting your kid over to play.  I always tell DD that she can invite someone over to her house (or to some other location) but she cannot invite herself over to their house until they've exchanged playdates a few times.  After three or four swaps, though, I don't mind if a friend or friend's mom invites friend over to my house - at that point you sort of know how to deal with the kid and the friend and your kid probably have worked out whose house they want to hang out at, which is fine with me either way.

[MotherGoose]

I agree with you. The mom should have directly asked if that was okay, and offered to provide a lunch, etc. even if you didn't accept. I don't mind drop off play dates but I do mind an assumption like that. I would also expect reciprocation of the drop off.

[eternalsummer]

I get the opposite sometimes - we have a lot of kids, and get some of the "what's one more?  watch my kid (with whom your kid is not even friends, or the same gender for that matter) after school all year" type of thing.

[LynnS]

If it's the first time the kids have played together outside the activity or school, I agree that the person suggesting it should be essentially inviting your kid over to play.  I always tell DD that she can invite someone over to her house (or to some other location) but she cannot invite herself over to their house until they've exchanged playdates a few times.  After three or four swaps, though, I don't mind if a friend or friend's mom invites friend over to my house - at that point you sort of know how to deal with the kid and the friend and your kid probably have worked out whose house they want to hang out at, which is fine with me either way.

 

Yes, this sounds totally reasonable. We haven't reached that level of familiarity with these folks, which is why I'm kind of head-scratching. I'm always kind of surprised that people are so willing to just drop off their children with acquaintances. I'm not an axe murderer, but this person has never been to my house and doesn't know me that well. 

[Guest]

Uh no, what you're describing other people getting you to do is BABYSIT. They're being verrry unfriendly.

 

Eta, I agree with established buddies, "the kids want to play, can Oliver hang out at your house today?" Is acceptable.

Edited January 25, 2017 by OKBud

[Guest]

No, that is not what I would ever expect if someone suggested a play date. There are scenarios where other moms are clearly trying to set up a mutual exchange thing, though. So, the first time they suggest a playdate, they invite my child to do something with them, but they sort of bend over backwards, buy my kid a lunch and paying for some entertainment. When this happens, I assume they are trying to start a "thing" where one week they will take my kid and pay for stufff, but I'm sure they want me to reciprocate. But honestly, I don't want to do a thing like this. I don't want extra kids. I'm basically a hermit.

 

There's no way I would agree to another "play date" like this, i.e., free babysitting.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't expect that and I'd be mad they were duping me out of free babysitting.  If you need a babysitter and need me to help you, fine.  Then call it what it is.  I'll be happy to help you from time to time.

 

When they are very young I don't expect drop offs at all.  It was always get together so kids can play.  We usually just blah blah...maybe some coffee.  That's that.  Snacks and food weren't really ever expected.  With little kids you know to pack something just in case.  The host might offer something.  Never would I expect lunch without them offering lunch ahead. 

[marbel]

That doesn't fit my definition of a playdate.  As others have said, that's babysitting.   I would back away from this woman in the future.

[Callie]

She wants free babysitting not a play date. 

[BlsdMama]

When another parent contacts you and suggests a play date, what does this generally mean to you? If I suggest a play date to another mom, I feel the onus is on me to host it, most likely at my house, or otherwise to suggest a suitable mutually agreeable spot (park, museum, etc). If at my house, I'm responsible for supplying a snack or lunch depending on timing. Whether or not the parent wants to hang out or not is up to them, and I'm fine either way.  

 

When other moms suggest a play date to me, it almost always seems to involve them dropping their child off with me and heading off. For example, another mom contacted me about having a play date after a morning drop-off activity both of our children attend, which ends at noon; she'd drop off the child's car seat at the activity and pick the child up from me in the afternoon. So at this point I'm installing a car seat, feeding her child lunch, and taking the child somewhere (home, park), for a play date SHE suggested. I'm just taken aback by this. I would never suggest a play date to someone that would include transporting and feeding my kid, it seems very presumptuous. 

 

Many of the parents in my homeschooling circles have more than one child, and mine is an only. I understand that managing littles while trying to get separate social fun time for the slightly olders is challenging, but I'm beginning to feel taken advantage of. 

 

To me it means:  Come to my house (you, your kids) and we'll have a snack, some mom time, and your kids can exhaust my kids and vice versa.

 

Said nicely, are the activities you are joing trendy and cute?  Not to be snide at all, but it sounds like what you need is some homeschoolin' mamas who have been doing this game for a while and who like to do family to family interaction rather than a sitter.  I'd ban the words "play date" and do invite only of Mom AND sibs - one big happy group.

 

When we do this we are often surprised that kids match up by personality more than by age.  I'll bet, because you have an only, your child will match up with sibs that are 1-2 years older than her own agemates and this would be a better, happier fit for all of you.  

[wintermom]

How did the discussion go with this mom beforehand? Did you invite her and her child over to your house, mentioning something about her stating or not? Were you clear in any way about what YOU expected and how the play date would unfold? Was this person forthcoming ahead of time with the information that you would be transporting her child in your vehicle? As soon as I saw a car seat, I'd have said that I was not transporting her child anywhere. That is her responsibility. If she wanted to drop of her child, I might do it and see how it went, but I'd never agree to transport her child. 

 

You need to be really clear in your discussions about the situation. Ask questions. Make things very clear. You don't have to get into any situation you aren't happy with, but you can't just complain about it afterwards if you were very vague and "easy going" during the organization. 

 

I do understand your confusion/frustration, though. I've never come across a person who defined "play date" as "you drive my child from pre-school to your house, feed them, watch them and wait for me to come pick them up." That is babysitting. You could charge her for it, I guess? ;)

Edited January 25, 2017 by wintermom

[rocassie]

Among my friends, the person asking about a play date is usually hosting.  If they don't want to host in their home, a suggestion of a park or other location is given.  Generally all the kids are welcome and the mom wants to stick around too.  Now that my kids are getting a little older, we will have drop off play dates, but that is only with the few families we know really well.

[ishikawa]

For me playdate means something that both families are being benefited, no matter which house is hosting. Of course, over time with friendship things can change and it is OK to take care of a child for a while. But this situation you mentioned is a little strange.

[rainbowmama]

I expect parents to stay for playmates and I don't provide food unless we talked about it beforehand.

[fraidycat]

That's not a playdate, that's babysitting.

[DesertBlossom]

I agree that if you're the person suggesting the playdate, it means you're offering to host it. I have one friend who assumes I will, and lately when she suggests a playdate I have started responding with "sure, what time do you want me to bring dd over?" She doesn't suggest it as much anymore.

[medawyn]

I pretty much hold to your definition. My kids are young enough that if someone mentions play date, I think it is generally assumed it's a family thing. My oldest is almost four, so if someone mentioned him specifically by name, I might presume they are inviting him over for some one on one play time with their kid.

 

But yes, what you describe is babysitting, especially given that you all don't appear to have some kind of established social relationship.

[DesertBlossom]

To clarify, I don't expect parents to stay. If we are getting together at the park, yes, they should stay. Playdates at the park are primarily so I can hang out with my friends while the kids play. But if I invite a child's friend over to our house to play, I don't expect parents to stay.

 

And imo, playdates are for older kids who only require minimal supervision. If it's a child under 3 or 4, that's just babysitting, becuause it's more work for me. But a playdate often means the kids run off and go play and stay out of my way, which is a win win!

[ktgrok]

Wow. No. That's inviting yourself (well your kid) to someone else's house and that is NOT done. 

 

If I suggest a play date it is at my house, or a park. If at my house I provide snacks/food. If at a park I bring food for my kid and to share, and the other mom does the same. 

[Ellie]

When another parent contacts you and suggests a play date, what does this generally mean to you? If I suggest a play date to another mom, I feel the onus is on me to host it, most likely at my house, or otherwise to suggest a suitable mutually agreeable spot (park, museum, etc). If at my house, I'm responsible for supplying a snack or lunch depending on timing. Whether or not the parent wants to hang out or not is up to them, and I'm fine either way.  

 

When other moms suggest a play date to me, it almost always seems to involve them dropping their child off with me and heading off. For example, another mom contacted me about having a play date after a morning drop-off activity both of our children attend, which ends at noon; she'd drop off the child's car seat at the activity and pick the child up from me in the afternoon. So at this point I'm installing a car seat, feeding her child lunch, and taking the child somewhere (home, park), for a play date SHE suggested. I'm just taken aback by this. I would never suggest a play date to someone that would include transporting and feeding my kid, it seems very presumptuous. 

 

Many of the parents in my homeschooling circles have more than one child, and mine is an only. I understand that managing littles while trying to get separate social fun time for the slightly olders is challenging, but I'm beginning to feel taken advantage of. 

 

First of all, I never heard the term "play date" until I started posting here. I realize that there are people from all over the place, and so it is apparently a fairly widely-used term. But even so, I didn't do "play dates" when my children were home. We did park day with other homeschoolers once a month, and sometimes we visited other people in their homes and vice versa, although usually it was the whole family getting together (well, mother and children), not just the children. Generally, the only time I had just children visiting, it was neighborhood children; sometimes we invited a child over for the day, in which case of course we'd feed her :-) but we didn't call that a "play date." 

 

What you describe would make me a crazy person.  I think next time someone suggests an activity, you should clarify what that really means, and refuse to participate.

[OneStepAtATime]

That seems presumptive to me.  

 

I invite people to drop off kids quite a bit but it is me doing the inviting and me making clear that the child can be dropped off.  If someone else calls me up and says they want to arrange a play date, I am going to assume they are the ones hosting since they are the ones calling.  Sometimes people have specifically ask me if the kids can have a play date at my house and they can drop off, but it is almost always in the context of them having something they have to take care of in our area or a family emergency or something else along those lines.  They are honest that they are asking a favor.  I am fine with that.  No worries.  But not all the time.  If they do it a lot then it seems more like free day care service, like I am being used, especially if they never offer or allow the same in return.  

[maize]

If I suggested a play date I would be planning to host.

[Cinder]

She is calling babysitting a play date. :glare:  My dc would not be available for "play dates" with hers.

[zoobie]

If you ask, you're hosting or suggesting a meeting place. If you need someone to pick up your kid from school because you have an appointment or whatever, you ask that. And you reciprocate! (Of course not with established friends during a crisis or whatever. Still, you'd be asking for help, not asking for a "play date.")

 

I would tell her, "No, that won't work for me. Maybe we can meet at a park another day. Take care!"

Edited January 25, 2017 by zoobie

[Anne in CA]

There was a mom in my old church famous for this. Other than her there is usually give and take with play dates. Although my dd had a friend the same age and her mom suggested a weekly play date that we switched so that each of us had a free morning every other week. I can't remember why I didn't do it, I think she lived somewhere out of the way.

[mellifera33]

If I suggest a playdate, I host, the kids play, the moms drink coffee and chitchat, and then I make lunch or afternoon tea. We eat together, the kids play a bit more, moms chat a bit more, then they go home. I am fine with a friend staying for the afternoon without mom, but I would be put off by the situation described in the OP. 

Edited January 25, 2017 by mellifera33

[KatieJ]

My kids are grown and long gone. They didn't grow up with play dates either. They had friends over. It's just a new word for it.

However, what you are describing is babysitting. I learned over the years as a SAHM, that I was the favorite for play dates when someone really needed a sitter. I learned how to ask appropriate questions about their expectations and I learned how to say no or put my own expectations into the conversation.

Edited January 25, 2017 by KatieinMich

[gardenmom5]

If I suggest a playdate - I expect to host, or get together at a mutually agreed upon spot.

 

I do not expect the parent to stay at my home unless that is made clear up front.

 

if I'm hosting, I expect to provide a snack. 

if we meet up someplace with both parents - I expect to only provide food for my child.

[Rachel]

That's not a play date, she guilted you into babysitting. I don't mind watching a child in a pinch, but if a play date is going poorly or I have other things to do, I want the flexibility to stay on my own schedule.

[Farrar]

Unless it's otherwise defined either explicitly or through particular neighborhood culture or precedent, to me, play date means the parents are all present. But I guess this is why it's best not to assume.

[bettyandbob]

Didn't read the replies. Your description in the OP is babysitting, not a playdate.

 

Instead of suggesting a playdate, the mom should have honestly said "Do you have time to help me on Thursday by watching Joey after tumbling class. I can pick him up from your house at 2:30."

[maize]

Unless it's otherwise defined either explicitly or through particular neighborhood culture or precedent, to me, play date means the parents are all present. But I guess this is why it's best not to assume.

This depends on the age of the child for me--young tots who need constant active supervision I would expect parents to stay for a playdate--otherwise it is babysitting. Kids old enough to play independently (about kindergarten age and up) I expect just the kid unless the get together is primarily meant as social time for the parents.

 

My 9 year old has a weekly playdate with a friend--friend's mom drops her off for a couple of hours and picks her up at the end.

[Seeking Squirrels]

I wouldn't call that a playdate, I would call that you doing the other mom a favor and watching/babysitting her kid. I would expect it to be asked that way, as well. Usually when arranging a play date it's a back and forth of what to do for me.

 

"Hey, we should have a playdate for the kids!"

"okay, what should we do?"

"Can't do my house because xyz, but I'm up for anywhere else"

"We can do it at my place. Does xday work for you?" OR "Yeah, my place won't work either, should we hit the park?"

 

It's never just one person saying "Hey, playdate at your house on xday at this time mmkay?" But then I'm not really in the habit of making playdates with new people. We have just a couple people we do playdates with so it's a more friendly exchange. 

 

I also assume playdate to mean parents stay. When kids are old enough to be dropped off, I would call it hanging out or getting together or coming over to play. DD8 had a friend call and say "can I come over and play?". That is a drop off. If her mom had called and said "We should have a playdate with the kids", I would have assumed it involved her/myself staying and could have ended up being at either house or out. 

[LynnS]

How did the discussion go with this mom beforehand? Did you invite her and her child over to your house, mentioning something about her stating or not? Were you clear in any way about what YOU expected and how the play date would unfold? Was this person forthcoming ahead of time with the information that you would be transporting her child in your vehicle? As soon as I saw a car seat, I'd have said that I was not transporting her child anywhere. That is her responsibility. If she wanted to drop of her child, I might do it and see how it went, but I'd never agree to transport her child. 

 

You need to be really clear in your discussions about the situation. Ask questions. Make things very clear. You don't have to get into any situation you aren't happy with, but you can't just complain about it afterwards if you were very vague and "easy going" during the organization. 

 

I do understand your confusion/frustration, though. I've never come across a person who defined "play date" as "you drive my child from pre-school to your house, feed them, watch them and wait for me to come pick them up." That is babysitting. You could charge her for it, I guess? ;)

 

The discussion beforehand was her asking, "Can [child1] and [child2] have a play date after [event]?" I did not explicitly or implicitly invite them over.  

 

I had another mom acquaintance do this same thing to me years ago when my son was a toddler (ie, frame "play date" as "Oh by the way, I'm going to drop off my kid with you"), so I'm starting to be paranoid that I have "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead in invisible ink that only other moms can see. ;-) 

[SparklyUnicorn]

The discussion beforehand was her asking, "Can [child1] and [child2] have a play date after [event]?" I did not explicitly or implicitly invite them over.  

 

I had another mom acquaintance do this same thing to me years ago when my son was a toddler (ie, frame "play date" as "Oh by the way, I'm going to drop off my kid with you"), so I'm starting to be paranoid that I have "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead in invisible ink that only other moms can see. ;-) 

 

I'm in awe of people who aren't worry warts.  I would not drop my young kid off with just anyone.  Geesh.  But some people seem to have no problem with that.

[TranquilMind]

When another parent contacts you and suggests a play date, what does this generally mean to you? If I suggest a play date to another mom, I feel the onus is on me to host it, most likely at my house, or otherwise to suggest a suitable mutually agreeable spot (park, museum, etc). If at my house, I'm responsible for supplying a snack or lunch depending on timing. Whether or not the parent wants to hang out or not is up to them, and I'm fine either way.  

 

When other moms suggest a play date to me, it almost always seems to involve them dropping their child off with me and heading off. For example, another mom contacted me about having a play date after a morning drop-off activity both of our children attend, which ends at noon; she'd drop off the child's car seat at the activity and pick the child up from me in the afternoon. So at this point I'm installing a car seat, feeding her child lunch, and taking the child somewhere (home, park), for a play date SHE suggested. I'm just taken aback by this. I would never suggest a play date to someone that would include transporting and feeding my kid, it seems very presumptuous. 

 

Many of the parents in my homeschooling circles have more than one child, and mine is an only. I understand that managing littles while trying to get separate social fun time for the slightly olders is challenging, but I'm beginning to feel taken advantage of. 

 

Wow.  Call me old-fashioned, but it meant to me that I would bring my child and meet another mom with her child at a designated place and we would spend time together.  No dumping off, no babysitting, no carseats involved. 

 

[TranquilMind]

I'm in awe of people who aren't worry warts.  I would not drop my young kid off with just anyone.  Geesh.  But some people seem to have no problem with that.

 

You aren't kidding.  I never left my kids with anyone except my mom, and a couple of highly trusted people known to our family for years when they got older. 

 

I had a huge birthday party once for a 6 year old, and several  people dumped their kids with me (though they all didn't know me that well) and did not come back for the rest of the day, even though the party was 2 hours long.  I couldn't believe it. 

[Tess in the Burbs]

I found it meant different things depending on the person and the place we lived.  I like details, so I always suggested a place out and about or my house.  If they wanted, they would offer.  It meant hanging out together for a few hours.  I discovered when we moved that middle school aged kids meant drop off.  I wasn't ready for that, but no one had time to stay even if I hosted.  They would for a bit, but rarely did people stay the whole time.  And maybe with younger ones you are so desperate to get out of the house you don't mind hanging with other moms you may/may not mesh with well.  I found as we got older the moms had no interest in social time.  Which is sad b/c I enjoy hanging out to chat.  I'm finding other moms are too busy to do it. 

[ishikawa]

Strange coincidence... this post today and now for the first time in our building, a girl simply rang the door bell and asked to stay to play with  my son. I thought my wife had invited while my wife got speechless.  I like when children come to play but not this way.

[bettyandbob]

I think playdates can be dropoffs. But the person asking is the hosting. If the person asking wants to dropoff at your house then she's asking you to babysit. 

 

If you don't want to drop off your child anywhere and don't want people dumping their child on you, come up with a proactive response. 

"can susie and priya have a playdate after art?"

"sure, I'm going to give susie a snack (or lunch) first. What time do you want Susie and I to come over? We can squeeze it in between errands." (the last phrase is to give you an out, if the conversation continues in the wrong direction for you)

 

Then, the person asking for the free babysitting will start stammering to explain she's really imposing on you. To which you can say

"Oh you need me to help you out this afternoon. Sure I can do that. Do you think you can host Susie next Tuesday (be specific and nail this down before finalizing)?"

or

"You know that's not going to work because as I said we'd be squeezing a visit between errands. Maybe the girls can play another time."

[bettyandbob]

Strange coincidence... this post today and now for the first time in our building, a girl simply rang the door bell and asked to stay to play with  my son. I thought my wife had invited while my wife got speechless.  I like when children come to play but not this way.

 

 

How old? I used to knock on friend's doors and see if they could play when I was a kid. 

[goldberry]

I'm in awe of people who aren't worry warts.  I would not drop my young kid off with just anyone.  Geesh.  But some people seem to have no problem with that.

 

Seriously!  I was always the one who stayed even at drop off events.  (I always asked of course...) I didn't stop that until DD was older.

 

ETA, once I had a stay-or-drop off event, and a parent from DD's kindergarten who had never met be before dropped off her 5 year old and headed out without barely saying hello.  I was dumbfounded.

Edited January 25, 2017 by goldberry

[goldberry]

OP, I do think you are being taken advantage of.  

[Alice]

I hate the term playdate. 

 

That said, here it mostly means two kids getting together to play, not necessarily with the Moms. I think more commonly it is without the Moms unless the kids are very young (preschool age). I always hated the times it meant that the Moms were supposed to get together also becuase I'm such an introvert that it was never fun for me. Unless it was someone who was a good friend already...then it wasn't a playdate, just a "hey let's have lunch on Friday." 

 

So the dropoff part seems normal. What doesn't seem normal is the inviting her kid over to your house part. Usually, the person doing the asking invites the other kid over. Or, if it's the other way around, it's clearly a favor and stated "Hey, could Z. come over to play at your house Friday? I have to take her brother to a swim meet and she would love to play with Suzy instead of being bored with us." In my circle of friends that is fairly common but it's with people who I know well and it goes both ways. 

[KungFuPanda]

The discussion beforehand was her asking, "Can [child1] and [child2] have a play date after [event]?" I did not explicitly or implicitly invite them over.  

 

I had another mom acquaintance do this same thing to me years ago when my son was a toddler (ie, frame "play date" as "Oh by the way, I'm going to drop off my kid with you"), so I'm starting to be paranoid that I have "SUCKER" tattooed on my forehead in invisible ink that only other moms can see. ;-) 

 

Are you saying yes to these requests???

[SereneHome]

Well, you had me at "car seat".  I am paranoid and no way would I be taking on responsibility of even potentially  driving someone else's child if I didn't know the parents well and we didn't have an arrangement.

 

Also, in today's day and age - I would also not be feeding anyone's child, unless I knew the parents.

 

You are a brave brave woman.

 

 

 

[slackermom]

I agree with all the "that is babysitting" comments. Especially if the child is young enough to be in a car seat. And we discuss any food sharing upfront. If that is what she needs, she should just ask if you would be able to help, offering a mutually beneficial swap arrangement, or say "I owe you one!"

 

We have kind of a weird situation ourselves, in that our place is under construction, and not really suitable for hosting people, especially young ones. If I want to get my daughter together with friends, I offer to take them somewhere, like to a movie or a park. Because of this, dd's friends' parents probably invite her over more than we reciprocate, but it is very friendly. I fully expect that once the never-ending construction is over, I will go into open-house mode, and dd's friends' parents can drop their kids off whenever they want!

[DawnM]

Oh gosh, no.  I wouldn't be ok with that.  I am not entertaining and babysitting your kid.  Nope.  I could barely tolerate my own at that age.

[ishikawa]

I kept thinking about it... it is about selfishness, but a weird situation that turns us to think we are being selfish when in fact the other is showing a selfish attitude.