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I don't know what to make of this.


SparklyUnicorn
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Long story short someone I was friends with in junior high and the first two years of high school contacted me.  We were fairly good friends, but a lot of the stuff she is talking about that we did together (like baking cookies, sleepovers, etc.) I don't recall at all.  She described my apartment.  That part was right.  My memories of my childhood are very sparse, but what she is saying I don't have even the slightest recollection of.  Now I get it, maybe some of the memories just stand out to her far more than they do for me for whatever reason, but no I don't recall her coming to my home or baking cookies.  I rarely had people over.  I'm a little disturbed by how little I remember.  BUT she did mention, and I guess this might explain it, that she was in a bad accident 5 years ago and that a year ago she had a stroke.  So could she just be confused?  Or could my memory really be that bad?

 

And then she said she saw me as an adult and said hello and I acted disinterested and she hoped we could have met up again, but I seemed so disinterested.  I don't remember that either!  Not even a little!!!  She said this was while I was working.  I did work at the place she mentioned so I'm inclined to believe this, but I don't remember her saying hello, seeing her, or anything like that.

 

Ugh.  And that is only the tip of the iceberg.  She has been writing me very long messages about the past and what a great friend I was.  Half the time I never thought she saw me as a friend.  Did I completely misinterpret the situation?  I liked her.  I do recall that.  But hell if I had an interested friend why would I have not latched onto that.  I do not make friends easily.  So then I wonder...do I not notice when people like me?!  Was she not obvious enough?  Are her memories disjointed? 

 

Whew...It's like I've done some weird drugs and nothing is as it seems. 

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I would attribute it to her bad accident and/or her stroke and not to any problems with your memory.

 

If it was one or two little things, I might have assumed they weren't important to you so you forgot about them, but this is a lot of stuff, so I can only surmise that she's having some memory problems.

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Long story short someone I was friends with in junior high and the first two years of high school contacted me.  We were fairly good friends, but a lot of the stuff she is talking about that we did together (like baking cookies, sleepovers, etc.) I don't recall at all.  She described my apartment.  That part was right.  My memories of my childhood are very sparse, but what she is saying I don't have even the slightest recollection of.  Now I get it, maybe some of the memories just stand out to her far more than they do for me for whatever reason, but no I don't recall her coming to my home or baking cookies.  I rarely had people over.  I'm a little disturbed by how little I remember.  BUT she did mention, and I guess this might explain it, that she was in a bad accident 5 years ago and that a year ago she had a stroke.  So could she just be confused?  Or could my memory really be that bad?

 

And then she said she saw me as an adult and said hello and I acted disinterested and she hoped we could have met up again, but I seemed so disinterested.  I don't remember that either!  Not even a little!!!  She said this was while I was working.  I did work at the place she mentioned so I'm inclined to believe this, but I don't remember her saying hello, seeing her, or anything like that.

 

Ugh.  And that is only the tip of the iceberg.  She has been writing me very long messages about the past and what a great friend I was.  Half the time I never thought she saw me as a friend.  Did I completely misinterpret the situation?  I liked her.  I do recall that.  But hell if I had an interested friend why would I have not latched onto that.  I do not make friends easily.  So then I wonder...do I not notice when people like me?!  Was she not obvious enough?  Are her memories disjointed? 

 

Whew...It's like I've done some weird drugs and nothing is as it seems. 

 

 

Hmmm......I have a best friend and she says she relies on me for her memories.  Because I have a pretty good memory.  But the other day I had to ask her a question about an 8th grade class we had together...because my mind was blank about it.  She began telling me all sorts of details about the class...some started to come back to me but others......whoosh.  Just not there.  So who knows what sticks and what doesn't.  I mean, I can remember phone numbers from the job I left 17 years ago but I can't recall a class we had in 8th grade?

 

As for the not recognizing that people like you.....you have mentioned before you have trouble making friends....so maybe it is an issue for you....you just don't get the social clues?  I don't know because here on the board you function fine....LOL....but IRL is different I guess.

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either.  she could be confused about baking cookies with you.  if she described the apartment you remember, you must have had her over.

if you have a reason for blocking memories, she could be remembering things.  my mother blocked many memories.  

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As for the not recognizing that people like you.....you have mentioned before you have trouble making friends....so maybe it is an issue for you....you just don't get the social clues?  I don't know because here on the board you function fine....LOL....but IRL is different I guess.

 

Don't need to worry about cues so much here though.  People have to just come right out and say stuff.  And they do.  LOL

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I don't know. I have many memories from my childhood that my brother, who I spent all my time with, doesn't remember at all. I mean more memories than would seem normal. I also have found that I remember a ton from past friendships that those people don't have any recollection of when we've become reconnected years later. That is just how my brain works, it remembers what seems like everything.

 

But with an accident and a stroke who knows if she's confused or remembering things correctly

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She may not have every detail perfect, but mostly it sounds like you just don't remember your childhood that well. Some people don't. My sister and I cringe every time someone calls our name in a store, because usually they are going to talk about all the great times we had together as kids, and we remember . . . nothing. Including who they are.

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Due to her brain injuries, she may be confabulating (yeah that's a real term, not just a funny adjective).

 

An elderly relative of mine very sincerely tells of things she did as a young adult. In fact, these are things the spouse or a sibling did, but as a stroke victim, the memories have become personal.

 

It's possible your friend is crossing recall of locations/individuals/activities.

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She may not have every detail perfect, but mostly it sounds like you just don't remember your childhood that well. Some people don't. My sister and I cringe every time someone calls our name in a store, because usually they are going to talk about all the great times we had together as kids, and we remember . . . nothing. Including who they are.

This is me. I have very few memories, and sometimes that's a good thing. Other times it's a liability.

 

Sparkly, I could totally see myself in your position.

 

Where do you want things to go with those former friend from here? Maybe that's the thing to focus on here?

 

If you want to move forward with a friendship just let her know your memories are sketchy but it's not only about her (if that's true), you are simply one of those people with few memories of childhood.

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This is me. I have very few memories, and sometimes that's a good thing. Other times it's a liability.

 

Sparkly, I could totally see myself in your position.

 

Where do you want things to go with those former friend from here? Maybe that's the thing to focus on here?

 

If you want to move forward with a friendship just let her know your memories are sketchy but it's not only about her (if that's true), you are simply one of those people with few memories of childhood.

 

Oh I was honest with her about the fact I didn't remember.  I told her not to take it personally because I forgot a lot of details and I explained why.  So unless she hates that fact I don't see the problem.

 

She lives in my old city.  She asked to meet up so I told her probably in the spring I'd make the drive.  I'd like to meet up with her and talk with her. 

 

I feel kind of bad, but what can ya do?  I'd rather be honest up front than just go along with it.

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Oh I was honest with her about the fact I didn't remember. I told her not to take it personally because I forgot a lot of details and I explained why. So unless she hates that fact I don't see the problem.

 

She lives in my old city. She asked to meet up so I told her probably in the spring I'd make the drive. I'd like to meet up with her and talk with her.

 

I feel kind of bad, but what can ya do? I'd rather be honest up front than just go along with it.

I think being honest with her was the right thing to do, particularly because you're thinking of meeting up with her. If you were never going to see her again, you could have just gone along with whatever she said and it wouldn't have made a difference, but if you end up going to see her, you don't want to have to spend the afternoon laughing with her about all those good times you're pretty sure never even happened.

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Some people remember tons of details and some don't. I am guessing she is telling the truth and these things weren't important to you so you don't remember. Either that or she is mixing you up with someone else.

 

Well, I don't know how they couldn't have been important.  I didn't have a ton of friends.  I always chose friends carefully and had a couple of very close friends and that was mostly it. 

 

I do remember some of my other friends and the stuff we did.

 

Yeah gee I'm starting to think something is a little off about what she said.

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Don't need to worry about cues so much here though. People have to just come right out and say stuff. And they do. LOL

I think this is why I do better on a written format than I do IRL. No need to subtly cotton on. Someone on-line doesn't like me, they don't interact with me. Done.

 

I will say in retrospect, there were several times that I didn't realize someone viewed me as a good friend or, in certain cases, as girlfriend material. I remember this guy Patrick whom I thought was just a friend, but one day it dawned on me that he was waiting to be my boyfriend eventually. This happened with a different guy, Kevin, too! Lol! I was a dunce! The guy Kevin had me stay after church once and he said he wanted me to listen to a song...he played the song "Amanda," which is a rock love ballad, and everytime the singer sang, "Amanda," he would substitute my name. Lol, I didn't even realize he was trying to express himself to me. I just thought he wanted me to listen to this new song he liked! Doh!

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I think this is why I do better on a written format than I do IRL. No need to subtly cotton on. Someone on-line doesn't like me, they don't interact with me. Done.

 

I will say in retrospect, there were several times that I didn't realize someone viewed me as a good friend or, in certain cases, as girlfriend material. I remember this guy Patrick whom I thought was just a friend, but one day it dawned on me that he was waiting to be my boyfriend eventually. This happened with a different guy, Kevin, too! Lol! I was a dunce! The guy Kevin had me stay after church once and he said he wanted me to listen to a song...he played the song "Amanda," which is a rock love ballad, and everytime the singer sang, "Amanda," he would substitute my name. Lol, I didn't even realize he was trying to express himself to me. I just thought he wanted me to listen to this new song he liked! Doh!

 

This happened with a guy once.  He kept inviting me over to hang out.  I thought we were friends.  He bought me a CD.  It was Wicked Games by Chris Isaak.  I still didn't get it. LMAO  Then he came out with it finally.  Yikes...I seriously had no idea! 

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This happened with a guy once. He kept inviting me over to hang out. I thought we were friends. He bought me a CD. It was Wicked Games by Chris Isaak. I still didn't get it. LMAO Then he came out with it finally. Yikes...I seriously had no idea!

My best friend has misunderstood guys feelings so many times. In college, she would always invite guys that she viewed as simply friends to events and upon observing the interactions I would immediately realize that the guy really liked her and viewed it as a date. She would never believe me until about the 3rd or 4th time they hung out together where the guy would try to get closer.

 

It was so bad that when we started hanging out with my now dh I forbade her from inviting him anywhere. He was going through a divorce at the time and I didn't want her to inadvertently mess with his head. The conversation caused a huge fight between us which actually is one of the reasons dh and I started dating.

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It's likely a combination of both, that your memory isn't as good, and that she's confused.

 

My oldest has a tendency to view things differently than most other people.  She will remember an incident one way and it turns out it happened differently.  For example, one year in high school, she came home telling us her school counselor wouldn't let her sign up for a particular class.  She was insistent that she asked to sign up for the class and he said no.  We went to talk the the school.  Ready to throw a fit.  Turns out, she walked in, said she wanted to take the class, the counselor said that he thought a different class would be a better option, she said thank you and left.  And when we asked her about exactly what happened....that IS what happened.  The counselor never actually refused to sign her up for the class....he just suggested that she take a different one.  But in her mind, that equated to him not allowing her to take the class.

 

Just FTR, that happens with my DH sometimes too.  And, I find as both of them get older....the stories get bigger.  It's like the old cliche about fishing stories and how the fish get bigger each time the story is told....just that it happens with everything.

 

So it might be that some of that sort of thing is at play as well. 

 

My youngest ds does this. He has dyslexia, and I have assumed it was related to his issues with language. I don't know that, but I have assumed it.

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Maybe these things were more important to you that to her.

 

I have fairly recently reconnected on facebook with someone that I remember vividly from grades one through maybe 3 or 4, and then not at all.  Apparently we went all the way through 8th grade together, in a class of only about 30 kids in two grades.  But although we were really good friends in the early years, somewhere along the line we stopped being so, and I can't remember anything about that.  I don't know if we drifted apart or had a falling out or what.  It's so weird.  (And of course I can't ask her.)  So I don't have any memories involving her after about age 8, but she has some--it's very strange to me.

 

Other things I remember vividly that others don't recall at all.

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In all likelihood it is a combination of things not sticking for you and things she is getting confused with someone else.  It happens.

 

Do you know if you are good at facial recognition?  I have a close childhood friend that is not good with facial recognition.  She is very bright and remembers amazing details related to her job and to facts and math and stuff.  She just doesn't really remember faces well.  She also tends not to notice and remember details of encounters with people.  Some stuff sticks.  A lot doesn't.  When I was in college I was supposed to write my autobiography for my final grade in a class.  It ended up being about 200 pages long.  The bulk of my memories that I wrote about occurred during the two different times in my life I lived near my friend.  Some of those memories were only months old.  She was reading through my autobiography and was shocked.  She said she didn't remember half the stuff in there and honestly wasn't convinced that some of it had even occurred.  I KNEW it had happened.  In some cases, I even had photos to back it up.  Does that mean I have perfect recall?  No, but I do tend to remember people, notice facial expressions, remember vocal tone, particular phrases used, I even notice the shapes of people's fingers (don't ask me why, I have no clue).  I may not remember within a couple of hours what they were wearing (I don't tend to notice clothing at all) or what car they were driving, or anything of that nature but I tend to remember faces, voices, words, actions.

 

On the flip side of that coin, I have forgotten a LOT.  Case in point, DH and I, after we got married, had my parents save our cake top in a spare freezer for us to eat on our one year anniversary.  A few years later the freezer my parents had had the cake top saved in was damaged and left non-functional for a couple of weeks without anyone noticing (it was not a primary freezer).  Everything inside had to be tossed.  I assumed the cake top had been tossed, too, because I did not recall ever having eaten it.  DH didn't either.  We were sad.  Until we found photos of us eating our cake top very close to the date of our one year anniversary.  I do not remember that at all.  Not even a little.  Neither does DH.  

 

Human memories are notoriously faulty.  That's why most people make pretty unreliable eye witnesses.  In all likelihood you both have forgotten a lot and you both have probably confused some memories, and with her car accident and stroke certainly there is every reason to think that at least some of what she remembers is faulty.  I'm betting not all of it, though.  Again, it happens.

 

 

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It could very well be a brain injury, or it could be that her brain is fine but her memory is just a little mixed up.  Or it could be that you don't remember childhood details.  My dh and ds and one of my dd's have brains like that.  They seem to remember very little from their childhood.  They are very bright and very single minded.  (They can only focus on one thing at a time, and become completely absorbed in it.)  I always figured that's why their memories are so bad!  It's kind of fascinating.

 

In any event, I think just telling her you don't remember is fine.  After that, I wouldn't worry about it.

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But if she's remembering correctly, then you have a problem. All these years when you thougtht you weren't making friends...maybe you were. Maybe there were lots of people that you could have had all sorts of friendships with, and you never knew.

 

I don't know.  I can remember various things with various friends, but I don't remember her sleeping over and us baking cookies. 

 

I had friends.  I was just always very particular about who my friends were.

 

In fact, thinking about it some more I think I'm starting to remember why we weren't friends anymore.  She was jealous about the fact a boy she liked asked me out.  I didn't know she liked him.  And he turned out to be a major jerk.  She didn't mention that.  For sure I didn't see her the last two years of high school because I went to another school.

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I have a dd that has a lot of trouble seeing friendships.  Up until this year, in fact, she has declared that she doesn't really have any friends.  (but now at 16 years old, she finally has a BFF that she considers her actual friend) The truth is, she has had a lot of friends that liked her, but she just never saw that they were her friends.  She didn't feel close to them at all, and always assumed that they didn't really like her that much or that they were really just her twin sister's friend.  There are probably several people in her life that would have a very different perspective on times they spent together than she does.  

 

Personally, I have forgotten large swaths of my childhood.  Due to some trauma, I see most of my past through a thick fog..lol. It wouldn't surprise me at all to hear stories of things I did that I have no recollection of.  

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I don't tend to remember names.  Or faces.  But when I looked at her picture I knew exactly who she was.  She looks the same all these years later! 

I tend mostly to remember what someone said or the sound of their voice. 

 

But yes, memory is a strange thing.  Sometimes I'll think something happened a couple of years ago, but it turned out it happened 10 years ago or more. 

 

Talking to her some more, I'm starting to feel a sense for why we may not have remained friends.  One thing I do not like is this gossipy so and so....and score sheet...who's the cool kid....  I wouldn't know...don't  care...and don't even want to talk about it and I'm a little floored that someone in their 40s would still be talking about people in that way.  And apparently the people she hangs out with talk that way.  So if she were like that back then...yeah that would have annoyed me.  But really I think it was her who had a problem with me over a boy.  (who was not worth having a problem over!)

 

 

In all likelihood it is a combination of things not sticking for you and things she is getting confused with someone else.  It happens.

 

Do you know if you are good at facial recognition?  I have a close childhood friend that is not good with facial recognition.  She is very bright and remembers amazing details related to her job and to facts and math and stuff.  She just doesn't really remember faces well.  She also tends not to notice and remember details of encounters with people.  Some stuff sticks.  A lot doesn't.  When I was in college I was supposed to write my autobiography for my final grade in a class.  It ended up being about 200 pages long.  The bulk of my memories that I wrote about occurred during the two different times in my life I lived near my friend.  Some of those memories were only months old.  She was reading through my autobiography and was shocked.  She said she didn't remember half the stuff in there and honestly wasn't convinced that some of it had even occurred.  I KNEW it had happened.  In some cases, I even had photos to back it up.  Does that mean I have perfect recall?  No, but I do tend to remember people, notice facial expressions, remember vocal tone, particular phrases used, I even notice the shapes of people's fingers (don't ask me why, I have no clue).  I may not remember within a couple of hours what they were wearing (I don't tend to notice clothing at all) or what car they were driving, or anything of that nature but I tend to remember faces, voices, words, actions.

 

On the flip side of that coin, I have forgotten a LOT.  Case in point, DH and I, after we got married, had my parents save our cake top in a spare freezer for us to eat on our one year anniversary.  A few years later the freezer my parents had had the cake top saved in was damaged and left non-functional for a couple of weeks without anyone noticing (it was not a primary freezer).  Everything inside had to be tossed.  I assumed the cake top had been tossed, too, because I did not recall ever having eaten it.  DH didn't either.  We were sad.  Until we found photos of us eating our cake top very close to the date of our one year anniversary.  I do not remember that at all.  Not even a little.  Neither does DH.  

 

Human memories are notoriously faulty.  That's why most people make pretty unreliable eye witnesses.  In all likelihood you both have forgotten a lot and you both have probably confused some memories, and with her car accident and stroke certainly there is every reason to think that at least some of what she remembers is faulty.  I'm betting not all of it, though.  Again, it happens.

 

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In fact, thinking about it some more I think I'm starting to remember why we weren't friends anymore.  She was jealous about the fact a boy she liked asked me out.  I didn't know she liked him.  And he turned out to be a major jerk.  She didn't mention that.   

 

Well, that's not the kind of thing people usually lead with when reconnecting with old friends!  :laugh:

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I'm going to agree it could be a mix of both factors.

 

I have friends who recall bits of my childhood that I do not.

 

I have a remarkably detailed memory of things after about age 15 and a remarkably undetailed memory of things before I was 15. So if a friend recalls something I don't remember from my childhood, that's not all that surprising. If they are referring to something after 15 or so and I don't remember it, I assume they are mixing me up with someone else.

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She was cool about the fact I didn't remember.  She said a few more things about stuff we did and I am 90% certain she has some stuff mixed up.  She agreed that she probably does.

Not the end of the world.  I just felt bad because she was going on and on about how some stuff we did together meant so much to her.  And here I don't even remember it!

 

 

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Some people are very inept at sensing how personal or casual a relationship is or isn't. There is woman that I briefly worked on a group project with on college but otherwise had zero relationship with who thought for a while we were best buddies in the universe because I edited her work. She was very stalkerish so the whole thing was weird.

 

I know someone else who sadly cannot figure out the difference between acquaintance and friendship.

 

If she had some issues distinguishing betweenthe two before and add the stroke which causes memory problems and even personality changes then she has real social deficit

 

 

I guess just be kind, but enforce healthy boundaries.

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My bf since I was 6 remembers all sorts of things that I've forgotten. It's just an established fact that if she says, "remember when we did such and such?" I will probably not.

 

As for this gal, do what you want. If you don't want to rekindle this thing, just ignore her messages.

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Is there any chance you were together as part of a group or class project?  So, maybe that is why you don't remember her specifically?  Or could you have baked cookies for an event, so you weren't hanging out as two buddies, but as classmates/ teammates?

 

DD18 has to do team events for cheer leading all the time.  "Cards and Treats" are usually homemade cookies and a positive message on a card that they give to the sport team they are cheering for.  There are random pairing of girls who are assigned certain dates.  Due to this, there are girls who have came here to bake cookies or make cards, (run through posters), who my daughter wouldn't usually hang out with. 

 

We have also baked for bake sales, class projects, or other team bonding events.We always have supplies and  I'm ok with the kids making a mess, so quite often projects are done here. 

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My own sisters and I, and even Mom, sometimes find ourselves in "Are you sure that really happened" conversations.  Sometimes it's because we really do mix up who was there and who wasn't, but we all still insist there are certain things we're each insane to not remember.

 

Getting old ought to be real funny with our group!

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Is there any chance you were together as part of a group or class project?  So, maybe that is why you don't remember her specifically?  Or could you have baked cookies for an event, so you weren't hanging out as two buddies, but as classmates/ teammates?

 

DD18 has to do team events for cheer leading all the time.  "Cards and Treats" are usually homemade cookies and a positive message on a card that they give to the sport team they are cheering for.  There are random pairing of girls who are assigned certain dates.  Due to this, there are girls who have came here to bake cookies or make cards, (run through posters), who my daughter wouldn't usually hang out with. 

 

We have also baked for bake sales, class projects, or other team bonding events.We always have supplies and  I'm ok with the kids making a mess, so quite often projects are done here. 

 

No we were never in a class together.  Maybe I should ask her.  She might say we were in all classes together.  :lol:

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I'd say either, or both, as well.

 

Memory is so weird.  Normally I have a pretty good memory, for example I remember very specifically a lot of things we learned in middle school, that others have no memory of.  Recently though I had a discussion and I was about to tell the person about a talk I saw given by a famous person in university - and I realized, I'm not sure if that really happened, or it was something someone else told me, or it might actually have been a dream.  I remember hearing about the famous person in a class with a prof in my department, but I'm not sure if that was a dream also.  Clearly I heard about the person somewhere, but I am really not sure.

 

I've thought of checking to see if this person was even still alive when I was a student, but it freaked me out a bit.

 

I just turned 40 this year, and I do feel a little like I remember less than I used to, my childhood which I've always remembered really well is less clear.  But if memory is part of what makes us who we are, the idea of losing access to some of that seems almost like a loss of self.

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