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Kinsa

At what point do we intervene?

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My sister.

 

She was away over Christmas, so obviously we wouldn't hear from her then. She was home by December 31 because her husband posted something on Facebook that evening which showed they were in their kitchen.

 

January 2 was her birthday. Her daughters tried all day to get in touch with her. No response. I called her, our mother called her. No response at all. That was Monday.

 

All week people have been trying to reach her: her daughters, me, our mother. It's now Friday. No one has heard from her. She's not answering or returning calls. No activity on Facebook. No emails. Nothing.

 

Her husband is not responding either. He answered one phone call from her daughter on my sister's birthday on Monday, but he was at Walmart and couldn't talk.

 

This is highly unusual. I talk to my sister every single day. My mother talks with her several times a week. And she ALWAYS accepts phone calls from her daughters.

 

There is no history of mental illness. At what point do we intervene? And what could even be done? She lives in Mississippi, whereas I live in Texas, Mom lives in Virginia, and her daughters live in Colorado and North Carolina.

Edited by Kinsa
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Is there anyone that you know locally who could go by and check on her?

 

Do you have concerns about her safety or mental state?

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If she is involved in a church, I would start there.  Maybe they could sent someone over?  Or could you contact  a mutual FB friend who lives in the area?  

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Perhaps ask the local cops to do a welfare check?

Her daughter came up with that idea, but we nixed it because it would royally piss her off if we did that. Although, we might end up doing it if no one hears from her soon...

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You said her dh posted something from their kitchen, not her. So you really have not heard from her since before Christmas.

 

I would ask the police to do a welfare check.

Are you positive there is no history of dv?

 

Eta, his behavior seems odd, in not even talking to his own daughters.

Edited by gardenmom5
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If her actions are highly unusual, I would ask the local police to check in on her.  If she tends to do this from time to time, then I'd wait it out awhile longer.

 

Do either of them work?  Can you call them on their work landline phones?  Then at least a receptionist could tell you if they are in, and would maybe even transfer the call to them?

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I'd call for a welfare check.  Feeling silly after the fact is so much better than feeling worried out of your mind.  It's unusual behavior worth checking up on.

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My sister.

 

She was away over Christmas, so obviously we wouldn't hear from her then. She was home by December 31 because her husband posted something on Facebook that evening which showed they were in their kitchen.

 

January 2 was her birthday. Her daughters tried all day to get in touch with her. No response. I called her, our mother called her. No response at all. That was Monday.

 

All week people have been trying to reach her: her daughters, me, our mother. It's now Friday. No one has heard from her. She's not answering or returning calls. No activity on Facebook. No emails. Nothing.

 

Her husband is not responding either. He answered one phone call from her daughter on my sister's birthday on Monday, but he was at Walmart and couldn't talk.

 

This is highly unusual. I talk to my sister every single day. My mother talks with her several times a week. And she ALWAYS accepts phone calls from her daughters.

 

There is no history of mental illness. At what point do we intervene? And what could even be done? She lives in Mississippi, whereas I live in Texas, Mom lives in Virginia, and her daughters live in Colorado and North Carolina.

Order a pizza and send to their house. I saw where someone did that in Florida.

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Is there anyone that you know locally who could go by and check on her?

 

Do you have concerns about her safety or mental state?

Yes, good idea. I could locate her neighbor on Facebook... hmmmm...

 

No real concerns about her mental state other than change of life stuff. Her husband, well, they have been married less than a year, but I really don't think he'd hurt a fly.

Edited by Kinsa
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Not to be an alarmist but I work in a hospital and this time of years we have lots of depressions /suicide attempts.   I would ask the cops to do a welfare check.

 

I say this cause a healthy Mom just never ignores her kids.  She may ignore you or her mother but we tend to put our kids ahead of our own needs even grow children.

 

Except when there is mental illness or a physical illness we can't answer the phone

 

She may be depressed do to holidays or maybe her/husband may be splitting.  It could be a number of things sending her into depression

 

I hope everything ends up a misunderstanding.

 

 

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You said her dh posted something from their kitchen, not her. So you really have not heard from her since before Christmas.

 

I would ask the police to do a welfare check.

Are you positive there is no history of dv?

 

Eta, his behavior seems odd, in not even talking to his own daughters.

True. We actually have not heard from her since before Christmas.

 

I'm pretty sure there's no history of domestic violence. But people have been wrong about that before, right?

 

Her daughters are really concerned.

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I would be asking cops to do a welfare check in a heartbeat. I text with my sister every day. If she wasn't returning my texts/calls, something would be seriously wrong. 

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Order a pizza and send to their house. I saw where someone did that in Florida.

That's a clever idea!

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No real concerns about her mental state other than change of life stuff. Her husband, well, they have been married less than a year, but I really don't think he'd hurt a fly.

So, you really don't know him. Married less than a year, and you all live in different states.

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I'd either do the order pizza idea or have the cops do a welfare check.  Now.  No communication this long is extremely out of the ordinary so I think it's time to intervene.

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Forgive me for being negative, but that sound VERY alarming.

I'd call the police and ask them to check on her, even if it would bug her.  This is a long time to be completely out of touch from even your grown kids.  

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Since this is so out of character yes I would ask for a welfare check. My concern for her would trump her potential irritation should all turn out to be well.

 

If the relationship is so fragile for some reason that she would not get over the offense of you showing concern then it is too far gone to worry about preserving (I don't get this sense from your post though).

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So, you really don't know him. Married less than a year, and you all live in different states.

Well, married less than a year, but they have lived together for... ten years?... a really long time.

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Forgive me for being negative, but that sound VERY alarming.

I'd call the police and ask them to check on her, even if it would bug her. This is a long time to be completely out of touch from even your grown kids.

This.

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Even if you consider foul play unlikely, I'd be concerned about things like carbon monoxide poisoning.

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Was she in the photo in their kitchen?

 

It might piss her off if you call for a welfare check, but doesn't it piss all of you off that she's ignoring calls, causing worry, and the need for a welfare check?

 

I'd call for one anyway.

 

I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Edited by fraidycat
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Send her a text, fb message, or voice mail and announce that you are going to send the cops if she does not respond within a few hours. 

Then do that.

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Was she in the photo in their kitchen?

 

It might piss her off if you call for a welfare check, but doesn't it piss all of you off that she's ignoring calls, causing worry, and the need for a welfare check?

 

I'd call for one anyway.

No, she wasn't in the picture. It was a picture of the new years eve dinner. But I recognized the background as their kitchen.

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Was there a falling out? Anything that indicated she would want to go incommunicado for a few weeks?

Nothing I'm aware of. As a matter of fact, before she left for the Christmas trip, she specifically told me to call her on Monday (her birthday) when she got back because she was sure she'd have lots of stories to tell me.

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Nothing I'm aware of. As a matter of fact, before she left for the Christmas trip, she specifically told me to call her on Monday (her birthday) when she got back because she was sure she'd have lots of stories to tell me.

Worse and worse.

Call the cops now.  

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Nothing I'm aware of. As a matter of fact, before she left for the Christmas trip, she specifically told me to call her on Monday (her birthday) when she got back because she was sure she'd have lots of stories to tell me.

 

You have every reason to send the cops now. Even if her trip got delayed, this is Friday.

 

She has no grounds to be pissed if she is fine.

Edited by regentrude
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Okay, I'm hopping off this thread now to get in touch (again) with her daughters and come up with a plan. I talked with our mother this morning, and Mom said to give it through the weekend and if we don't hear from her Monday morning, then we should do something. I'm not sure if we should wait that long though.

 

Thanks for confirming that I'm not being alarmist.

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How utterly bizarre.

They are not on vacation where  they shut off their phones or have spotty reception?

The dh cannot be reached either for clarification?

 

I'd do exactly what Regentrude suggested. Let her get annoyed but if you behave erratically with no good reason you have to expect that the people in your life take action.

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Nothing I'm aware of. As a matter of fact, before she left for the Christmas trip, she specifically told me to call her on Monday (her birthday) when she got back because she was sure she'd have lots of stories to tell me.

 

Then, yes you should contact the cops for that welfare check.  I'm not sure why she would be upset that you were worried about her unless she was intentionally dodging you.  

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Send her a text, fb message, or voice mail and announce that you are going to send the cops if she does not respond within a few hours. 

Then do that.

I wouldn't give any advance warning. That way, if the husband is somehow up to no good, he doesn't have time to prepare for the cops showing up at his door.

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I'd for sure call for a welfare check. I watch far too many crime shows to let this slide without being sure.

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Okay, I'm hopping off this thread now to get in touch (again) with her daughters and come up with a plan. I talked with our mother this morning, and Mom said to give it through the weekend and if we don't hear from her Monday morning, then we should do something. I'm not sure if we should wait that long though.

 

Thanks for confirming that I'm not being alarmist.

I wouldn't wait until Monday. Why spend the weekend worrying?

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I would call the police non-emergency number local to her, explain the situation and ask for a welfare check. I wouldn't wait.

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I would absolutely not wait through the weekend. Not would I wait for family consensus before acting. She's your sister and you have legitimate cause to be concerned. I'd initiate the welfare check and tell anyone who objected that you are following the Golden Rule--that you would hope someone would check on you under similar circumstances.

Edited by maize
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Please do call the police to check on her. This does not sound good. I wouldn't wait.  :grouphug:

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I would absolutely not wait through the weekend. Not would I wait for family consensus before acting. She's your sister and you have legitimate cause to be concerned. I'd initiate the welfare check and tell anyone who objected that you are following the Golden Rule--that you would hope someone would check on you under similar circumstances.

Yep. I wouldn't wait for a consensus either. Even if they just picked up a horrible virus or something on vacation and are too sick to move - they could be dehydrating and need help ASAP. The sooner the better.

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Carbon monoxide poisoning comes to mind. Mil's furnace was malfunctioning but thankfully dh found out quickly. The repairmen said was leaking cm in the house and if dh had not been there and she had gone to sleep, she would have died.

 

So I would at the least contact a neighbor to go knock on the door or send someone from the community who knows them like a co worker, pastor, fellow volunteer, PTA member...whomever they know that you can reach.

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I agree with most of the others here...I would request a well check from the local police today. I would not give sister (or her husband) a heads up.

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I agree that you need to call the local police for a welfare check. They do them frequently and won't leave until they see your sister and confirm she's OK. 

 

Years ago we had a home phone that malfunctioned (before cell phones were common). We were busy with work and stuff and didn't notice, but my mom had been trying to call me all week. She called our police department, they came in the morning (before we would leave for work), and insisted on seeing and talking to me before they left.

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Send her a text, fb message, or voice mail and announce that you are going to send the cops if she does not respond within a few hours. 

Then do that.

 

+1

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Kinsa, the more I read this thread, the more anxious I feel.

 

I think you need to do that welfare check today. If she is fine - so be it, she'll get over it.

 

Hoping for some good news asap.

Edited by Spryte
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