Jump to content

Menu

... JAWM


amo_mea_filiis.
 Share

Recommended Posts

This is a JAWM, but I can't be too specific because it seems very ungrateful. This is about someone who projects something onto us. I don't know the word for it. But our wants or needs are never taken into consideration, even when very specifically asked.

 

My kids and I received an experience gift, likely in the $1,000+ range.

 

We were previously asked what we wanted, well before the experience purchase, so we listed some wants and needs, throwing out a LOT of specific things because of what this person often gets. Our wants are not huge for this person's shopping range (a rotisserie oven, or roomba would be nice, 12yo son still adores hot wheels), and needs weren't huge either (a few vehicle repairs, most expensive being $350). Honestly, even "just" a grocery store gift card to supplement our food budget would be amazing.

 

This person thinks roombas and rotisseries are dumb and wouldn't be used, and gift cards are impersonal. This person doesn't realize how stressful the experience will be. It'll be fun, especially for my kids, but very far from a time to relax, which is why he says he got it. It's also going to cost a minimum of gas to get there. When you're living in my $$$ range, a tank of gas is a really big deal. Even more so after xmas traveling, and a medical appointment in January.

 

We spoke about this experience over a month ago and I said no, very nicely. I suggested a slightly similar, much less expensive, and much more relaxing idea. After the initial conversation, the topic wasn't brought up again. I though he had moved on.

 

Just sad, frustrated, poor, and annoyed that year after year after year, our choices are not only disregarded, but often laughed at.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

this person reminds me of narcissists who make everything about them.

if this experience doesn't work for you - can you sell it on craigslist?  when they person asks how you enjoyed it - you say "I'm so sorry, but that didn't work for us.  thank you for thinking of us.  would you like some bean dip?"

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some people give gifts that they themselves want.

 

By making it a gift they get the thrill of purchasing the thing they want, and then they can be so amazingly self-sacrificial to give it away! And since the thing is obviously awesome (because they think it is awesome, so therefore it must be awesome) then everyone else should be amazed and excited to be given it! .....Oh, you aren't amazed and excited? Then you must be an ungrateful weirdo. And selfish! What, did you think Christmas was a time when you pick out your own gifts and get something that you want? You should just be grateful. Say thank you. No, say thank you like you mean it. Yeah, I don't think you're actually grateful. Maybe I should just take this thing back and give it to someone who would appreciate it (wait, that's me, oh dear, I guess I'll just have to content myself with your cast offs).

 

:cursing:  :cursing:  :cursing:

 

Yeah, I know how you feel.   :grouphug:

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is the giver's choice to give a gift and the receiver's choice to accept a gift. If you cannot afford the gas, then be honest and say so. Do not accept the gift.

 

But, before you do not accept the gift, remember that you mentioned it was something your kids would love. Is it worth not letting your kids have the experience? Is the effort to save for a tank of gas, to reschedule a doctor's appointment, and to put aside disappointment in not getting a Rumba really so difficult?

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, I agree with you! It's a bad gift. You already told them it was unwanted.

 

Second, I understand why the giver 'won't give' things that you have indicated interest in -- if they don't want to give those things because they don't value-or-like them. It's like a Venn diagram: the things you would like and the things they value enough to give have to "overlap" in order to be a good gift. This experience isn't a good gift becsuse it is in their "circle" but it doesn't overlap with yours. (But your suggestions are apparently in your "circle" but not theirs -- same problem.)

 

And:

 

I think you need to ask-by-pleasant-assumption about "how they plan to include" the cost of transportation with this experience -- and tell how much that cost of gas is. They will probably say they forgot about that, but are happy to cover it.

 

Next time this comes up:

 

Don't reject an idea becsuse you think a more frugal option is a better value -- that's not a "no" to people who *do* have that kind of money.

 

It's interpreted as, "That sounds lovely, but we can't afford it, so you shouldn't buy it. Let's both settle for a cheap substitute based on my money issues." -- which has a sense of wistfulness, and doesn't have the boundary feel you are looking for. It flexes with 'affordability'.

 

If you want to say "no" give a real reason, or no reason (just "no thanks."). Don't try to communicate,"It's too much" -- or, "It's nice but not worth it."

Edited by bolt.
  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Bolt.  I'd say "thank you, but we just can't afford the gas to get there." and let it hang in the air for a minute...  

 

I'm sorry this happened.  Assuming everyone in the scenario is well-meaning, the giver probably thought, "I'm going to give something frivolous because I know they can't afford frivolous." not understanding that what people with tight budgets actually want is SOME RELIEF to that tight budget through practical gifts.  Reminds me of the whole 5 Love Languages thing.  

 

I ask for homeschool books or gift cards to amazon to buy them with for my birthday/Christmas.  People don't understand how getting a math book for my child actually DOES make me happier than a gift card for a facial or whatever, because easing the budget takes stress off for a lot longer than a getting a facial does.  

  • Like 11
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is the giver's choice to give a gift and the receiver's choice to accept a gift. If you cannot afford the gas, then be honest and say so. Do not accept the gift.

 

But, before you do not accept the gift, remember that you mentioned it was something your kids would love. Is it worth not letting your kids have the experience? Is the effort to save for a tank of gas, to reschedule a doctor's appointment, and to put aside disappointment in not getting a Rumba really so difficult?

The doctor's appointment is probably a specialist appointment that was booked 6 months ago and would be deferred another 6 months. It is stressful to do something when you really can't afford it and will be juggling to pay for essentials for the next month and praying that nothing unexpected comes up. I don't know what a Roomba is.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That sounds frustrating especially since you already said no to that idea as a gift. Can you sell the tickets or whatever to the experience? That is what I would do if I couldn't afford the added costs associated with the gift. Then I'd be honest with the person about why you gave the gift away.

 

If that isn't an option because I would simply thank them but decline the gift saying you can't afford the travel associated with the gift and that when you had discussed the gift idea before you thought you made it clear that this gift wouldn't work with your family

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is the giver's choice to give a gift and the receiver's choice to accept a gift. If you cannot afford the gas, then be honest and say so. Do not accept the gift.

 

But, before you do not accept the gift, remember that you mentioned it was something your kids would love. Is it worth not letting your kids have the experience? Is the effort to save for a tank of gas, to reschedule a doctor's appointment, and to put aside disappointment in not getting a Rumba really so difficult?

We're going. I didn't say I was disappointed in not getting a roomba. It's obviously more than just this.

 

Why does the giver even ask?

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ugh. I get it! My IL's tried to give us a trip to see a show at a theater. But I was at the very end of a very difficult pregnancy, and of course after the baby was born, not only did I not want to leave him- it would have cost $100+ for a babysitter for all the kids! They hadn't bought exact tickets though, so we just kept making excuses about why we couldn't go until eventually the idea went away. I have a problem with the idea of gifts that make the recipient spend money.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The doctor's appointment is probably a specialist appointment that was booked 6 months ago and would be deferred another 6 months. It is stressful to do something when you really can't afford it and will be juggling to pay for essentials for the next month and praying that nothing unexpected comes up. I don't know what a Roomba is.

This one was scheduled about a year ago.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We'll go. The giver will give gas (but complain about it for a year). He also plans on coming to the experience for a day.

 

Just before receiving the gift, I had to split a non necessary, but very inconvenient truck repair with him because he said he couldn't afford it. That hurt financially, a lot. This repair was authorized for my birthday, but I couldn't get it done by me, so I tried to fold it into xmas since we'd be where the repair could be done.

 

Whoever said boundaries and narcissism is correct. This is always the issue.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We'll go. The giver will give gas (but complain about it for a year). He also plans on coming to the experience for a day.

 

Just before receiving the gift, I had to split a non necessary, but very inconvenient truck repair with him because he said he couldn't afford it. That hurt financially, a lot. This repair was authorized for my birthday, but I couldn't get it done by me, so I tried to fold it into xmas since we'd be where the repair could be done.

 

Whoever said boundaries and narcissism is correct. This is always the issue.

 

So this person bought you a gift you said you didn't want and they probably couldn't afford, and then invited himself along to join you when you use the gift? That's a special sort of special.

 

It's not a gift. At least, it's not a gift to you. It's a gift to themselves. Just keep that in mind "I'm going to help him enjoy his Christmas present!" when you're at the experience.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We're going. I didn't say I was disappointed in not getting a roomba. It's obviously more than just this.

 

Why does the giver even ask?

I would suspect the giver had already purchased the gift, or at least had the wheels in motion when he asked. He was so excited about his gift that he could not contain himself so he let out a big clue. He was most likely disappointed when the receiver said, "no", especially if he could not take back the gift at that point. There was nothing left to do but give the gift anyway.

 

That would be my guess. Not that I know the giver or anything.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So this person bought you a gift you said you didn't want and they probably couldn't afford, and then invited himself along to join you when you use the gift? That's a special sort of special.

 

It's not a gift. At least, it's not a gift to you. It's a gift to themselves. Just keep that in mind "I'm going to help him enjoy his Christmas present!" when you're at the experience.

"Special sort of special"- I'm totally using this!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like the giver wanted to do the experience, but not alone. One option would be to say giver could take the kids on his own, so he could start to understand why these things are difficult. If I recall correctly you have two special needs DC and I think the giver is your dad. I think it's ridiculous he still doesn't get it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...