Christmas presents from mil & "step"grandpa (abuse trigger warning)

[angelica]

I finally got the balls to open up a huge box that came from my fiances mom. All gifts are wrapped but I was curious to see how she addressed the presents I wanted to get them "seperated" as to not overshadow our simple holiday. I stopped counting at 20, so there's alot of gifts to open. 

 

Quick background. Her husband touched our son over the pants when he was like 5 or 6. It really only got brought to her attention this year (he's 9 now) and I still have not fully dealt with the "situation". I prefer to not go into it because I already have.

 

At the end of the day we don't feel it's affecting our son and the more it gets brought up the more it just becomes a bigger problem. It's up to me though to protect him and I don't feel he should have to see him ever again or hear about him. She came here to visit a few months back and she kept mentioning his name which I can't blame her, it's her love and she wanted to share memories. I told fiance to please talk to her about not saying his name because it upsets me, she didn't seem to get the message, or he didn't delivered it very well.

 

So, molesters name is on the gifts, just seeing and hearing his name triggers me and sends me on an emotional roller coaster. I spoke with future mil about all of this and she never did confront him so it's been basically swept back under the rug. Fiance was ready to confront him while he was in town but they never saw face to face so it didn't happen and I know he just wants to forget it happened and not let it ruin our life. It's basically ruined my life though honestly and is a big reason as to why I don't care to get married anymore.

 

I know kids are resilient blah blah but I did sexual things with my peers as a kid as many kids likely do. I'm only really just now coming to see that hyper sexuality before age 9 is not super normal and a sign of abuse, yet I can't recall ever being touched by an adult as a child so I don't know what to think about that. As a result I've been cautious with where and who my kids play with.

 

I don't want to give any gifts with his name on it, my fiance thinks I am over reacting. I know she is going to want to skype too so that's a can I don't want opened either. This is her only child but at the end of the day, this is my child and I need a voice, but yet I can't find mine. 

 

Next month I'll be seeing a therapist again because this year has been very hard and I realize that I can't go on feeling depressed. In the meantime, I am on my own with this, and could really use some advice!

[FriedClams]

Trust your gut. Protect your child. I would not have anyone in my inner circle who didn't take by kids safety as seriously as I do. I agree that you don't need to rehash it all the time, but IMHO from what you communicate here your finance isn't taking it seriously enough.

 

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Until then, trust yourself.

Edited December 24, 2016 by FriedClams

[displace]

I would remove this person from my family's life. If you are being triggered, that's not healthy. And your DS should not be exposed to the person either.

 

I'm not sure what advice (if any) you're seeking, so ignore if I'm over speaking my place.

[gardenmom5]

I'm not understanding why you are having such a relationship with this woman.  she might leave her hubs at home, but she regularly talks about him and includes at least his name to your son.  iow: she puts her hubs first, your child 2nd.

 

tbh:  if it were my kid - she wouldn't be having contact with him.  I was molested by a neighbor -one time.  It affected me - even though I never brought it up to my mother.  I didn't even talk about it until I got married.  that doesn't mean it wasn't always beneath the surface.

[zoobie]

I'd put the gifts away and figure out a plan with the therapist next year. Finance can Skype with his mother if he wants, but do it after the kids are in bed. I personally wouldn't give MIL access to my children. 

[angelica]

Thanks for the replies. I suppose I could just put a big sticker over the names! And make sure we are too busy to skype. He understands and takes it seriously but it's just affects him in a different way of course. He will always protect our son and we are just thankful we have not seen him since then. Only his mother now visits and it will remain that way forever. Next year though they want us to travel to great grandmas farm in Iowa and I already said hell no because he would be there. I will not put myself and our kids in that situation to appease his mom, great grandma and extended family who we have not seen in years. 

[angelica]

I'd put the gifts away and figure out a plan with the therapist next year. Finance can Skype with his mother if he wants, but do it after the kids are in bed. I personally wouldn't give MIL access to my children. 

 

She rarely speaks to them honestly and lives in another state. It's her only son, this makes things complicated. I'm lucky to have my own mother to vent this crap to as well and she said to put it in my office and shell rewrap. I'm sure alot of it's going to just be fluff and just crap to open for the sake of opening. And for the record she's never been alone with them and won't have alone access ever, but I hope that next year I'll have more tools on how to deal with this situation. 

[Janeway]

Did you post about the abuse previously?

 

Because I am assuming you already did, but am not sure and I have no clue as to how to look at past posts from people or even myself. But I am wondering if you did determine that the abuse really happened and was not just an accident? I am only asking because you just mentioned "touched" from the outside of the pants and did not go in to detail. But from your post, I get the impression that you did go in to detail in the past. 

 

Have you considered pressing charges? Because his mother is not going to take you all seriously, sounds like even your husband won't take you seriously, until you do press charges.

[bettyandbob]

Did you post about the abuse previously?

 

Because I am assuming you already did, but am not sure and I have no clue as to how to look at past posts from people or even myself. But I am wondering if you did determine that the abuse really happened and was not just an accident? I am only asking because you just mentioned "touched" from the outside of the pants and did not go in to detail. But from your post, I get the impression that you did go in to detail in the past.

 

Have you considered pressing charges? Because his mother is not going to take you all seriously, sounds like even your husband won't take you seriously, until you do press charges.

She said she posted previously and didn't want to get into it here. And yes she did post previously. She just wants to address the current issue of the presents now. It's obviously, complicated and causing her a lot of pain so it's best not to ask her to go through all the details now when she's already done that.

 

OP put the presents aside. Wait until you can see your therapist in January.

[hjffkj]

Return the gifts to them and make it clear that things from mil are welcome but that man is not welcome to be a part of your family so no gifts from him will be accepted.

[angelica]

She said she posted previously and didn't want to get into it here. And yes she did post previously. She just wants to address the current issue of the presents now. It's obviously, complicated and causing her a lot of pain so it's best not to ask her to go through all the details now when she's already done that.

 

OP put the presents aside. Wait until you can see your therapist in January.

 

Yes it's been confirmed and no we won't press charges although maybe we will I don't know, that's to be determined. My son will be 10 next year, my youngest is about the same age when it occured. I feel I've already lost so much through this and I can't go through hell for more years and potentially screw up my life and my sons life. I have a lot of work to do next year. Theyll get at least one item. He's not about to lie to his mom and say yes the boys got the presents, thank you blah blah. She's in denial. This isn't about her though. I literally have a 56 t rubbermaid full of wrapped gifts in my office right now. 

Edited December 24, 2016 by angelica

[Rosie_0801]

Yes it's been confirmed and no we won't press charges although maybe we will I don't know, that's to be determined. My son will be 10 next year, my youngest is about the same age when it occured. I feel I've already lost so much through this and I can't go through hell for more years and potentially screw up my life and my sons life. I have a lot of work to do next year. Theyll get at least one item. He's not about to lie to his mom and say yes the boys got the presents, thank you blah blah. She's in denial. This isn't about her though. I literally have a 56 t rubbermaid full of wrapped gifts in my office right now. 

 

If a fight is inevitable, make sure you react differently to usual. If you usually cry, shout instead. Make a scene!

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Ellie]

Trust your gut. Protect your child. I would not have anyone in my inner circle who didn't take by kids safety as seriously as I do. I agree that you don't need to rehash it all the time, but IMHO from what you communicate here your finance isn't taking it seriously enough.

 

 

And the bolded is also concerning.

[angelica]

Okay drama queen moment is over. I just ended up opening up the presents that said "his name & gma" on it. I was right, stuff just to open, 90% candy like nerd robes, gobstoppers and lifesafer gummies they can't have. It literally filled up a trader joes bag! It was what she always gave her son so now I guess we have to pass on that tradition? Nah. They will get organic candy I approve because yes I am that mom and toss the 2 matchbox cars in their stocking.

 

The other presents left with just a tag were wripped off, I put a sticker over it and wrote grandma. Still not happy with that solution but that narrowed the opening of gifts down to 2 items each and 1 is a beanie so whatever. I feel better at least getting this out and now I don't have this huge box of crap weighing over me now. ha. 

[bolt.]

I would do the open / re-label / re-wrap technique too, I'd continue to sort the rest of the issue with a therapist through the year -- (and maybe you will make a different choice next gift occasion) but, hey, for now... it's just that these gifts have writing on them. You can change that!

[angelica]

And the bolded is also concerning.

 He's able to shove things down easier than me. He cares, he just doesn't wallow in it in the same way that I do. I wish it never happened as well but as the mother this affects on a different level no amount of wishing makes it just slip out of my mind. I've already made a scene and screamed and broken down and all that. Things will be changing though and he will be brought in on this with a therapist so I don't have to feel so alone on how to move through life with this part of our sons story. Until then, I just want to get through the rest of this year and focus on creating happy memories without this clouding my mind. 

[Scarlett]

The most important thing to me....other than obviously protecting your children physically from this pervert....is that your child believe you are protecting him. I don't think he will feel safe and protected if his parents give him gifts from a molester.

 

When he grows up, I hope his memory can be....when I told my parents.....this person was from then forward completely removed from our lives.

[kroe1]

Why are you even still with this fiancé who wants to give presents to your kid from a molester? Future mother-in-law, fiancé, and who all knows else is protecting a molestor. Run, run, run as fast as you can.

[Selkie]

Why are you even still with this fiancé who wants to give presents to your kid from a molester? Future mother-in-law, fiancé, and who all knows else is protecting a molestor. Run, run, run as fast as you can.

 

I agree with this. Those who protect molestors are just as bad as molestors, in my opinion, and I wouldn't allow them to have any contact with my kids.

[hjffkj]

Why are you even still with this fiancé who wants to give presents to your kid from a molester? Future mother-in-law, fiancé, and who all knows else is protecting a molestor. Run, run, run as fast as you can.

But then there is the issue of if she leaves her son's father, I'm assuming fiance is the father but not positive, then he will likely get unsupervised visitation which means he could still allow the molester near his son.

 

So before taking a drastic step like leaving she should file a police report about the abuse, seek counseling, and try to have a counselor explain to fiance the possible long-term reprocussions of allowing a molester to remain in their son's life.

[Guest]

The boat has been rocked. Fiance needs to get over it and draw stronger, clearer, bigger boundaries.

 

*If* it's not affecting your son, it's affecting YOU and even if it's "just" that, it's still not OK.

 

He needs to nut up and tell his mom to knock it off, and it doesn't matter if she understands or not. If he won't do it, then you need to do it and that sucks and I'm sorry. It should not even cross anyone's mind that y'all would travel to the same event as this creepmeister. And if you havn't told the extended fam why you won't have anything to do with him, now is the time. Otherwise your boyfriend's mother controls the narrative and she is, at best, not wise enough for that kind of power.

 

And I'm sorry but....candy from a child molester? Dude is an 80's after school special on feet.

 

And I know this is incredibly presumptuous, but tuck this thought under your cap....if there is ANY CHANCE you and your fiance will ever break up and thus have to figure out custody arrangements, you need bureaucratic records of what happened to your son. Because guess who will get to be around your kids again if you aren't physically present without a court order denying the mother and boyfriend access?

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited December 29, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[Anne in CA]

I agree that the OP simply can't give the kids gifts with this clown's name on them. If the fiance can't put his head around that I don't see any future for the relationship. I do think that the fiance is not a creep for being in denial that his mother is putting a child molester before him, his fiance and their children. He grew up with her and she's conditioned him.

 

My own dh was in denial about what a nut his ex was for many years. He wanted to believe that the mother of his child was not "crazy". She isn't "crazy", she has a personality disorder. It would have been better for everyone if dh had processed what a bad influence she was but he felt that denying his ex-wife her daughter would be "unforgiving". Everyone begged him to keep his child away from her, he had the legal resources to do it, and he wouldn't. It worked out very poorly. He is not a jerk, it just took him a super long time to process the situation. He had been raised mostly by his grandmother who gave him some weird conditioning. When my dh was the same age as the OP's dh, he would have been the same way in this situation. 

 

I remember the OP's OP and I think this is a yucky situation without a good outcome even if she does leave him. If she leaves him, he WILL take the kids to visit his mother with the molester around. The ability to deny what you don't want to be true is very strong. Read books about the Holocaust if you don't believe me. Many Jews refused to take it seriously because they honestly believed that the nonsense would be over any time now. The courts WONT care because they will say the OP is hysterical and since no charges were filed nothing happened. 

 

I understand why OP doesn't want to press charges. I really do. She wants to move on. I don't think that her MIL is going to let that happen. I don't see what good choice the OP has right now, but I'd love to be wrong. 

[Seasider]

I would remove this person from my family's life. If you are being triggered, that's not healthy. And your DS should not be exposed to the person either.

 

I'm not sure what advice (if any) you're seeking, so ignore if I'm over speaking my place.

Not only is it triggering, it's potentially a continuation of grooming behaviors - seeking to earn "trust" and affection by purchasing them with gifts.

 

I would be very uncomfortable continuing a relationship in which a grandmother chose a child molester over her own grandchild's safety and emotional welfare.

[Seasider]

Yes it's been confirmed and no we won't press charges although maybe we will I don't know, that's to be determined. My son will be 10 next year, my youngest is about the same age when it occured. I feel I've already lost so much through this and I can't go through hell for more years and potentially screw up my life and my sons life. I have a lot of work to do next year. Theyll get at least one item. He's not about to lie to his mom and say yes the boys got the presents, thank you blah blah. She's in denial. This isn't about her though. I literally have a 56 t rubbermaid full of wrapped gifts in my office right now.

JMO, but it seems to me that your fiancé can continue a relationship with his mother one way, when he initiates it, and keeps the kids out of it. When your children reach adult age they can determine what relationship to have with her, on their own, based on their own thoughts about what happened.

[Seasider]

He's able to shove things down easier than me. He cares, he just doesn't wallow in it in the same way that I do. I wish it never happened as well but as the mother this affects on a different level no amount of wishing makes it just slip out of my mind. I've already made a scene and screamed and broken down and all that. Things will be changing though and he will be brought in on this with a therapist so I don't have to feel so alone on how to move through life with this part of our sons story. Until then, I just want to get through the rest of this year and focus on creating happy memories without this clouding my mind.

Not to discount your feelings, but... This is way more about how it affects your child who was abused. How it makes HIM feel. Do whatever it takes to protect him and your other son.

[poppy]

I'm sorry this is part of your Christmas . I'd just tell the fiancé next year please take this box and donate it somewhere rather than letting this fester. It is your family's Christmas.

 

I'd do it for my husband (quickly remove a strongly triggering gift without further comment ) - I'd hope any significant other would. If he won't --- trash it .

 

Don't skype. He can Skype his mom , sure. Keep yourself out of it. Don't let this poison your holiday anymore.

[madteaparty]

Why are you even still with this fiancé who wants to give presents to your kid from a molester? Future mother-in-law, fiancé, and who all knows else is protecting a molestor. Run, run, run as fast as you can.

Are you for real? Leave her children's father and then be subjected to 40-50% of the time away from her kids? Really who wins there? Smh.