angelica Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 My mans dad and step mom live in a million dollar home and have all they need. They love wine, their dog, and her kids. We are not close with them and really only see them on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Her kids are now 22 and 26, the sons wife just had a baby in June, and the younger one is still in college and "poor". His step bro got married last year and we felt very excluded when they were talking about it at Thanksgiving. We've been together since the age of 16 so I've seen the dynamics change over the years and things have always been weird. He got 2k towards a car at 17 and a year later both kids got new cars. They couldn't "afford" to pay for any of his college tuition but they foot the bill for the youngest, room and board as well. I'm sure they were secretly happy when I got knocked up during my last year of college and he decided to drop out of school to work full time. When I was his step sisters age I was pregnant, working ft and paying for all my own shit. I managed to graduate debt free. So anyways, last Christmas his dad took us all out to the garage to see matching miatas, one for him and one for his severely overweight step bro who can barely squeeze into it. His stepbro isn't even a car guy! Imagine my guys face when he saw his stepbrother had the same car as HIS own dad. My heart broke that day for him.He's an only child so my theory is she just wants to push us away. The car his dad gave 2k towards is the exact year as the car his dad had when he was little and he's slowly been modifying it since like 2007. His dad seems to not even care and he's reached out to him to work on it with him many times. So it sucks knowing he's working on a car with his step brother. Anyways, last year we did $75 white elephant gifts so we had to shell out $150. His step siblings participated but we learned later that their mom bought the gifts so they could participate but not have to spend money. This year there's no white elephant thing and so now we are expected to buy for everyone coming. It will just be my dhs dad and his dads side of the family, plus the 2 of step kids. Grandpa and his longtime girlfriend (85) Dad and stepmom (late 50's) Aunt and Uncle (50's) I think we'll just do a picture for great grandpa and some chocolate. He requested pictuers at Thanksgiving and he'll appreciate them so we will gladly give them. I have two 4 packs of reusable glass straws. I use mine everyday so I thought would be a nice gift since they have everything, but dh says that's too cheap. I'm at a loss of what to add to that to make it not so half assy and "weird". I thought of doing a bottle of organic wine too but straws and wine? I won't give them family pictures because in the past they didn't seem to care and then we spotted them in a box in his dads office. His aunt/uncle are foodies/cookers and their favorite gift last year was matching yeti waterbottles. They gushed about how it helps them drink more water, and so to me glass straws makes sense. Step siblings will get a giftcard and little something for their baby. I hate gifts for the sake of gifts but there is no way around this. We're always appreciative of what they give us but at the end of the day it's just more stuff and they like to give the kids big stuff so it's annoying but of course our boys love it. Sorry this was so long, I am just a little stressed and to make matters worse its my guys 32nd birthday so even having to spend mental energy on this today sucks. Please help!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelica Posted December 23, 2016 Author Share Posted December 23, 2016 I'm open to other gift ideas as well! We hate feeling like we have to buy expensive gifts just for show especially when they have money and can buy whatever they want. Homemade stuff for them just has not gone over well in the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 Ugh. I'd probably just do gift cards to all and be done with it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 Christmas centrepieces for everyone! They can find somewhere in their home to keep it until it's time to throw it out ;) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 Double ugh. I'd venture a guess that there are others who are frustrated and would relieved to see this exercise in futility come to an end, so I'd get the ball rolling. Maybe buy only for kids under 18? And make a keepsake momento with grandkids pics for dad and stepmom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 I'm in favor if keeping it half assy and weird (to quote you). I wouldn't go one step beyond what's absolutely required for good manners, for people who have kicked their son around in this fashion for so many years. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 make a donation /sponsor a homeless family/ 'foster' a wildlife animal etc in their name & call it done. Smile when you give them the little card and say "I know our family is so fortunate, I thought this year it was time to start a new tradition." 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 make a donation /sponsor a homeless family/ 'foster' a wildlife animal etc in their name & call it done. Smile when you give them the little card and say "I know our family is so fortunate, I thought this year it was time to start a new tradition." Excellent idea! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 What's the worst that will happen if you don't "fall in line" with expectations? Is "the worst" worth the stress of gift giving? Are twice a year token "family" (who treat your SO like crap) visits really a big loss if you tick these people off? Give Grandpa his photo that he'll appreciate and call it good. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelica Posted December 23, 2016 Author Share Posted December 23, 2016 Thanks everyone. It stresses us out every year and despite trying to figure it all out by Thanksgiving we fail, ie, I fail. Now it's his birthday today and he's stressed because we are not done. I'm stressed because I don't want to deal with this on his birthday. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 FIL and his wife definitely do more for their kids together than they did for DH, but a large part of that was DH burning bridges when he was younger--he didn't want to go to school for college where his dad wanted and major in what his dad wanted him to. SIL who fell in line had college paid for. He's also 14 years older than his half siblings, and readily admits he was an absolute horror to his stepmother when he was a teen. Anyway, they give us gifts every year, and we don't give anything back, because they are wealthy/upper middle class and we aren't. Their income probably close to ten times ours now, and this is the best we've ever done. SIL and BIL give our kids gifts, we don't exchange gifts with them. We don't exchange gifts with my family, either, for the most part. If I was to expand gift buying, it would be on that side before I got to FIL, because I have family members who are struggling, on fixed incomes, etc., and they would appreciate it--and I wouldn't expect them to reciprocate. Reciprocity of gifts with family, as far as I'm concerned, can take place across an entire life span, and be paid forward to the next generation, etc. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted December 23, 2016 Share Posted December 23, 2016 An afternoon at the movies--a couple of DVDs (if they have all the latest stuff, get classics) and a box filled with popcorn and other snacks, plus a gift card for their favorite pizza place so they can order in. That way, you're giving an "event." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelica Posted December 24, 2016 Author Share Posted December 24, 2016 FIL and his wife definitely do more for their kids together than they did for DH, but a large part of that was DH burning bridges when he was younger--he didn't want to go to school for college where his dad wanted and major in what his dad wanted him to. SIL who fell in line had college paid for. He's also 14 years older than his half siblings, and readily admits he was an absolute horror to his stepmother when he was a teen. Anyway, they give us gifts every year, and we don't give anything back, because they are wealthy/upper middle class and we aren't. Their income probably close to ten times ours now, and this is the best we've ever done. SIL and BIL give our kids gifts, we don't exchange gifts with them. We don't exchange gifts with my family, either, for the most part. If I was to expand gift buying, it would be on that side before I got to FIL, because I have family members who are struggling, on fixed incomes, etc., and they would appreciate it--and I wouldn't expect them to reciprocate. Reciprocity of gifts with family, as far as I'm concerned, can take place across an entire life span, and be paid forward to the next generation, etc. Most teens are horrible at some point. I wish I could say my partner was a bad kid as a teen but he was and has always been respectful to his stepmom and everyone. In his case his step siblings are not his dads kids but they have always been treated better than him. They got together when he was like 12 and so he was pushed aside and her kids became "his family". His stepmom is no saint, this is her 3rd husband and has 2 other kids from her second marriage who are in their 40's. It just sucks because he wants a relationship with his dad but she basically makes that impossible. When our oldest was 3 (2010) we gave them monthly coupon thingies at Christmas for movie date, zoo trip, train park, it cost a lot of money and time despite it being "semi homemade" things but there were also free things like dinner at our house, hikes, etc. I was pregnant with our 2nd child at the time and thought it was important to have them involved. They were to "redeem" them at any point during the month/year, we basically left it open for them because their schedules were crazier than ours at the time. They redeemed only 2 things, and then we'd follow up each month to "hang out" and there was always an excuse. I don't know whatever happened to the zoo tickets or movie tickets, they likely went alone or just gave them away. It just sucks because my boys essentially have a grandpa they look up to and love to see they don't get to. His dad best friend sees our boys and has more of a relationship with them than he does. They go over to his dads friends house to work on cars and his dad is always invited but for some reason he's never there when they are. Now that her son has a kid they suddenly care about being "grandparents", but not to ours. They said at thanksgiving that they see the baby all the time it seems and they even watch her overnight. They've watched our boys once. We only live 30 minutes away from them so we can go over whenever but when we reach out we get shot down. He really has given up on anything changing and is just thankful we get invited over twice a year at this point. If anything it has made him a better dad but as an only child, it's hard for him to see that he's basically just being pushed away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelica Posted December 24, 2016 Author Share Posted December 24, 2016 An afternoon at the movies--a couple of DVDs (if they have all the latest stuff, get classics) and a box filled with popcorn and other snacks, plus a gift card for their favorite pizza place so they can order in. That way, you're giving an "event." I suppose that would be an option but we gave movie tickets before as like a family date thing and it was a flop. We did the same experience type thing for my mom and she used each and everyone of those vouchers. The difference being that she wanted to spend time with them. At the time we gave that gift to them, his dad was still in denial that he was even old enough to be a grandpa lol. And being it was the stepmom, I can only imagine, and I'd probably care less about spending time with a "step kid and his kids". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 First, I'd suggest that you stop the comparing. It'll drive you mad. If you share any of your "concerns" with your DH, it'll make it worse for him. You know they're all nuts, so make peace with that first. That's a great gift you can give yourself and your DH. I think a sponsorship is nice - maybe a local food pantry or family? Angel tree? Animal shelter? Give the straws with a nice card and a sincere greeting. Then, let it go. Don't waste emotional energy where it's unwanted. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 You keep saying it's the stepmom's fault they don't have a good relationship. It's nice to have a scapegoat, but his father is a grown adult - if he wanted a relationship with his son, he'd have it. He's not making any effort, which sucks, but that's on him - not your man and not his wife. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angelica Posted December 24, 2016 Author Share Posted December 24, 2016 You keep saying it's the stepmom's fault they don't have a good relationship. It's nice to have a scapegoat, but his father is a grown adult - if he wanted a relationship with his son, he'd have it. He's not making any effort, which sucks, but that's on him - not your man and not his wife. So true. It is what it is. This whole holiday season has gotten to best of me. I will do the straws, give them a family picture and donate food to single mothers group in their name as a good gesture. I can feel good knowing that we're doing something nice for families who truly need it. I feel okay about this now. We can't change other people, and we can't allow others to drag us down, that is a choice as well. Thank you all so much! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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