Another Christmas related vent

[Alice]

Posting here just to have someone to tell. 

 

My parents have decided not to buy me anything for Christmas this year and I'm surprised by how hurt I am by this. I don't really care about gifts that much usually but I guess I care more than I thought.

 

My Mom and I have a complex relationship. She is diagnosed bipolar, and that is likely accurate, although I think she also shows characteristics of being borderline personality. We've had a tough past few years. She always buys the kids way too much stuff. It's partially that she gets a lot of joy and self-wroth from being the person who gives a lot of gifts. She's always shown love this way. When I was a kid (I'm an only child) she gave me way too much stuff even though we couldn't afford it. She grew up pretty poor and then we were always struggling financially when I was kid so her excuse now is that she has the money so wants to give. Early on gifts for the kids became an issue because she just gives way too much and then she would get really hurt and sad when I tried to draw the line. If I try and talk to her about the excess I get told that I'm "taking the joy out of Christmas". 

 

She used to give me some small gifts and then give dh and I a check. Last year they didn't do the check which was fine because I don't really feel like my parents need to give us money. This year she asked what she could get me and dh. I gave her a list of a few small things (she prefers a list because mobility is limited and she likes to just order exactly what people want). I included things like the Hamilton Soundtrack and other relatively inexpensive items. She then responded that after thinking about it they just need to save their money because they are getting older and might need it. 

 

I have no problem with her saving money, it would be a good thing. But I'm also getting emails from her telling  me about all the stuff she has bought my kids. Obviously, I'm happy for my kids and glad they will get things they want. But I can't help feel hurt. If I told her that she would express sadness and shock and again somehow I'd be the bad guy. She would hear that I care about the material object but I think I really just care more that she seemingly cares more about the feeling she gets from seeing the kids open presents than she does about including me in the gift giving. Somehow everything always ends up being about her. 

 

And yes, my Dad is involved. I left him out because he pretty much goes along with whatever she wants to do in order to keep the peace. 

 

 

[Janeway]

Posting here just to have someone to tell. 

 

My parents have decided not to buy me anything for Christmas this year and I'm surprised by how hurt I am by this. I don't really care about gifts that much usually but I guess I care more than I thought.

 

My Mom and I have a complex relationship. She is diagnosed bipolar, and that is likely accurate, although I think she also shows characteristics of being borderline personality. We've had a tough past few years. She always buys the kids way too much stuff. It's partially that she gets a lot of joy and self-wroth from being the person who gives a lot of gifts. She's always shown love this way. When I was a kid (I'm an only child) she gave me way too much stuff even though we couldn't afford it. She grew up pretty poor and then we were always struggling financially when I was kid so her excuse now is that she has the money so wants to give. Early on gifts for the kids became an issue because she just gives way too much and then she would get really hurt and sad when I tried to draw the line. If I try and talk to her about the excess I get told that I'm "taking the joy out of Christmas". 

 

She used to give me some small gifts and then give dh and I a check. Last year they didn't do the check which was fine because I don't really feel like my parents need to give us money. This year she asked what she could get me and dh. I gave her a list of a few small things (she prefers a list because mobility is limited and she likes to just order exactly what people want). I included things like the Hamilton Soundtrack and other relatively inexpensive items. She then responded that after thinking about it they just need to save their money because they are getting older and might need it. 

 

I have no problem with her saving money, it would be a good thing. But I'm also getting emails from her telling  me about all the stuff she has bought my kids. Obviously, I'm happy for my kids and glad they will get things they want. But I can't help feel hurt. If I told her that she would express sadness and shock and again somehow I'd be the bad guy. She would hear that I care about the material object but I think I really just care more that she seemingly cares more about the feeling she gets from seeing the kids open presents than she does about including me in the gift giving. Somehow everything always ends up being about her. 

 

And yes, my Dad is involved. I left him out because he pretty much goes along with whatever she wants to do in order to keep the peace. 

 

((hugs))

 

I want to say about the dad though, I always gave my dad a pass because he just always went along with my mom. But eventually, I had to accept that he was just hiding behind her. IF my husband told me not to buy a gift for one of the kids, I would have anyway. If he told me to skip my grandchild's birthday party, it would have been an FU and I would have gone anyway. Your dad is not unable to do what he wants, regardless of "keeping peace." It was long and hard for me to accept that my dad was doing what he was doing, but he is responsible for his own actions. If your child shoplifts and tells you he did it because another child was doing it, would you say "oh, well, then, ok, that is fine, you were just going along with him." No, you would be angry and punishments would be had. This is no different.

[Guest]

Is this a JAWM?

 

I actually went out of my way to request nobody buy me or my husband anything - adults giving other adults Christmas gifts weirds me out and it gets so expensive in our family, so we support only buying for the kids immediately inside the family (not messing with cousins and such).

 

I'm sorry you were hurt, it sounds like you guys have a really difficult and complex relationship that could be coloring this more than it would for another family :(

[Anne in CA]

OP  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: The relationship you have with your parents seems so complex that any change would be hard to navigate. It's perfectly fine to feel hurt, but try to remember the love along with the hurt. It doesn't sound like she is able to think about what's best for you, she sounds like she has a hard time getting through life herself. And no two people of different functionalities are ever in a committed relationship. However functional she is, is how functional your dad is because if he were more functional that her, their marriage would have fallen apart no matter what the commitment. Sometimes you see two people and one seems so much more functional than the other, but that's never ever the case, the one who looks more functional is usually really good at hiding their issues.

[Alice]

I don't know how to quote on my phone.

Janeway- I agree about my Dad. I've long realized that his approach of not rocking the boat is a large contributor to our family dysfunction.

Arctic Mama- it's not necessarily a JAWM although I hope people will be gentle. You are right in that my relationship with my Mom colors all other interactions with her. I don't have a problem with adults not giving gifts . We've had that arrangement with dh's family for years. And if my parents had told me that they were having financial trouble or found gift giving a burden I would have been fine with not doing it. But I think I'm hurt because I know it's really important to my Mom and it feels like a way that she is choosing to show me that she is not happy with me (because of ways I have chosen to draw some boundaries in the past year.) she won't talk about problems she has with me and refuses to listen if I try and talk to her. She will verblize that all is well but I think asking me what I want for Christmas and then telling me she changed her mind and isn't giving me anything is a passive aggressive way of expressing her anger.

I feel petty even being hurt by the lack of gift but posting about it has just now helped me to see some of the underlying issues.

Edited December 15, 2016 by Alice

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

But I think I'm hurt because I know it's really important to my Mom and it feels like a way that she is choosing to show me that she is not happy with me (because of ways I have chosen to draw some boundaries in the past year.)

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Relationships between parents and children are fraught even when both parties are reasonable. When one isn't, things go haywire so easily. My mom and I have a great relationship, and she recently said some things to me in an email that made me gasp out loud in shock. It's almost laughable, and thankfully I was able to brush it off fairly easily (though I'm still kind of annoyed if I think too much about it  :glare: ). 

 

Can you reframe your thoughts on this and instead be proud of yourself that this response from her means that you managed to successfully draw and HOLD your new boundaries? That's an excellent thing. Also, she didn't take her anger at you out on the kids, which is another (albeit small!) win for your family. 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt. Dysfunctional family relationships suck :(

Edited December 15, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Guest]

Talking things out with another party can help a ton. Her inconsistency and hot/cold on this is probably making it feel worse too. Even knowing that's common with someone with her issues doesn't mean it stops hurting though.

 

:grouphug:

[happi duck]

(hugs)

[GoVanGogh]

I have had a similar issue with my (divorced) parents. (Both have complex mental health issues.)

Though we have never exchanged gifts with adults on DH's side of the family and I am totally fine with that, it felt much different when my parents both decided to stop doing gifts. I realized later, though therapy, that is was much because they were using the gifts as leverage. It wasn't the gift that I wanted or expected, but that gifts were the only semi-meaningful thing they ever did for me over the years. It had become a "I will give you a gift if you do xyz..." and I would jumpy through their hoops to make them happy and I would be "the good daughter" and in their good graces for a while. I didn't realize how much I wanted to be on their good side until I went through a lot of therapy and self-reflection. The past few years, I haven't received Christmas gifts from them (nor sent them gifts) and I feel so much better. I have released all expectations.

I am so sorry you are going through this!

[creekland]

My dad has mental issues (bi-polar being just one of them) and I learned long ago to drop all expectations because they would only cause me stress.  Whatever he chooses as "whim of the day" is fine by me and doesn't get to me at all now.

 

The "final" straw (if I recall correctly) was the first time we drove into his driveway with our young kids and he met me at the door saying he didn't feel up to seeing me/us - even though we had come from quite a distance and he wasn't physically ill.  I went back to the car telling my then pre-schoolers that Grandpa was sick.  Later as they grew up they learned more regarding what that sickness was/is.

 

To this day I never know if he's going to feel up to seeing us or not.  He can give several gifts or none.  He can call a couple of times a day or not for months.  I can be executor of his will or written out of it.

 

I don't get phased.  I just know that "that's the way dad is" and accept him for who he is.  It's not worth cutting him out of my life - he's family.  He might be the equivalent of a black sheep, but he's family.  One half of my DNA comes from him.  I'm glad it's not the half that acts like him (inheriting the mental issues).  That suffices for a pro.  My kids have learned to not have expectations too.  Expectations that don't come automatically lead to stress.

 

I wish you the best this Christmas.

[Selkie]

I'm sorry.  That's a pretty crappy thing for your parents to do and I can see why you are upset.  :grouphug:

[Jaz]

I understand completely. In the past, my mom has given me special, meaningful gifts. Not expensive, but thoughtful. This past year, she has been upset about some boundaries we put in place. My dh didn't receive a gift last Christmas or at Easter when she made a big deal of presenting gifts to the rest of my family. "Oh, dh, I guess we don't have a gift for you." My dad too just goes along with it.

 

After it happening twice, I've had to ask that we not exchange gifts anymore. Now, I'm sad that I won't have those special gifts from my mom. We've had other issues and I can't believe how she has taken out her anger on my dh.

 

So, I can relate and it's okay for you to be sad.

[mommyoffive]

I needed to read this thread.  

 

Thank you.