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My friend died this afternoon - prayers for family please


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Janet was the first friend I made after we moved to Charlotte, NC.  She and her husband along with their 4 children moved here right before OR after Hurricane Hugo which occurred in Sept. 1989.  Either her youngest was a newborn or about to be born.  I don't remember.  We moved here in July 1990 and tree limbs/debris was still awaiting removal.


We met at a Christian aerobics class in a church.  Her youngest was about 1 1/2 years.  Over the years I've seen her children grow up and she was with me when I became a Mom as well. She also watched my dd grow up.  Her kids are married now and she and her husband have a couple of grandkids. 


She and her husband moved to the States after their own parents fled the then named Czechoslovakia and the communist rule (1948 - 1989). 


Janet has a birthday Dec. 18 and would be 58. 


She will be missed.  DD and I are driving the 2 hours to Greenville, SC.


I don't want to be rude to her husband (both were friends of ours - my husband can not go) but we will have to leave at a certain time because this next week, of all weeks, is a busy week for us with December events (professional dance company presentation of the Nutcracker - paid tickets, youth/parent Christmas night at church on Wed).  Both of these are night events.  It's a 2 hour drive on a good day and we would need to be home no later than 4:30 both days.  That means leaving no later than 2:30.  If the funeral is Thursday we can reschedule dd's violin class.  They don't have much family.  Her parents are gone.  His Mom may still be living and in NY.  There may be a cousin or so but I don't think any will be traveling from Czech.  


How do I handle this scheduling situation? 



Please pray for Jerry (her husband) and their 4 kids/spouses, grandkids, etc. 


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I have no input on the scheduling mess, but I'm so sorry your friend is gone. Will pray for you and Janet's other friends and family :(


Actually, TBH, I'd give my tickets away to someone I thought might like to go and go be at the funeral with less stress.

Edited by Arctic Mama
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You might call the box office, explain that your tickets conflict with a funeral, and ask them to change your tickets to a different date. Even if they have a policy of not making exchanges, they might offer a compassionate exchange.


If they won't exchange them, I agree with offering them to a friend. The Nutcracker comes around every December, so you will have other chances to see it, even if not this year.


I'm not sure what the Christmas program at your church entails, but I'm guessing it can be skipped, unless your family is in charge of it in some way. Or could your daughter stay home and have your husband take her, while you go to the funeral alone?

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Unless you are leaving someone else in a lurch by doing so, I would miss your events if necessary. If you cannot miss them, I would go to what you can and write a personal letter apologizing for your absence and reiterating your deep love, sympathy, and appreciation of their friendship.


I am so sorry for your loss.

Edited by abacus2
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I'm very sorry for your loss.  :grouphug:


Since this is a close friend and they don't have much family, I'd also be inclined to rearrange my schedule so I could be there, especially since it looks like your DD is older--16yo?.


If the Nutcracker was part of DD's Christmas gift, I'd probably leave her home and have her choose one of her friends to go along (and if needed, arrange transportation.) If I were doing the drive both days I'd probably have her skip the youth/parent event, or else ask another family to "adopt" her for the night and if I had any responsibilities I'd pass those off as well. 


That's what I think I'd do, but I'd also give myself permission to leave early/go fully one day and not the other if circumstances really required it, or if I knew my deceased loved one would have felt strongly about it. An uncle I was close to died while my child was hospitalized for a chemo treatment and there's no question in my mind he would have wanted me to skip his funeral and stay with my kiddo. Also if it were me, I wouldn't stress too much if DD had to miss an event. Sometimes things happen that require us to set aside our plans--that's just life.

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Just yesterday I was thinking of some funerals I missed years and years ago, when I was a young adult, because I had other "important" things to do. I was wishing with my whole heart that I had made a different, more compassionate decision.


Move mountains if necessary, but go to the funeral.


And, as an aside, your dd will see where priorities should be.

Edited by Alessandra
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Are your kids in the Nutcracker? If not, I wouldn't worry about missing.


Everyone I know goes to that so I am sure you can sell your tickets. It comes every year. You can miss it this year and catch it next. Or see if someone will switch with you. Are you part of CCHNet? You could post there.


Honestly, I would make it happen. This is important.

Edited by DawnM
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I'm so sorry. Losing a friend is different to me than losing a family member. It's a special kind of pain.

I am not clear on your scheduling dilemma but I would prob just wait to decide til I know what time the funeral will be. I might go to a viewing instead of the funeral, bc you could talk more, but that is just me.

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DH and I called her husband about 2 hours ago (11:30 am).  He sounded reasonably good but he also has his 4 kids/spouses/grandkids there. 


I asked and he said that there will not be a funeral.  They are Catholic.  We are not.  I guess I don't understand the Catholic process??  He said they are considering crem...  They will hold a service but not a funeral.  Her ashes will be brought back and stored on a wall in the church in which they were members.   ???  I'm not understanding "all" of this.


He will stay in Greenville about 3 more years and retire here in Charlotte.  That was "their" original plan. 



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It sounds like they are planning a memorial service, but not a burial.  We did this when my dad was cremated. There was no casket or visitation but we did set up pictures and flowers in the front of the church.


Some churches have niches to hold cremated remains. There's a picture in this article:



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