How would you have handled this? (Being hit on...)

[Janie Grace]

I was at a coffee shop doing some work when I was approached by a elderly man (85) who wanted to talk politics. He was very well dressed and obviously educated/wealthy. I tried to respond politely but I didn't engage very much. He kept talking. He was obviously lonely. He asked lots of questions about my life, my parents, where I was born and went to college, etc. He acted fascinated and dazzled by all of my responses. I was feeling impatient (I had work to do!) but again, I was tried to be polite because he was old. He was more than twice my age, so I wasn't thinking he was hitting on me. I was trying to treat him the way I would want my Grandpa treated, you know? When he found out where I grew up, he said "I knew I picked you up for a reason!" (huh?). I guess his deceased wife grew up in the same area. At one point, he asked me if I charge by the hour or the day (I am a contracted employee) and kind of winked and said he had things I could do for him. (I thought, "wait, surely he doesn't mean...")  At this point, I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I realized that maybe he was seeing this as a romantic encounter. 

 

He wanted to write down my name in his datebook so he would remember that he met me that day. He said he draws a symbol for each person he meets so that he can remember who they were, something memorable about them. He went on and on about how hard I was to capture in a symbol... he started narrating my appearance... "nicely dressed, short hair but not a lesbian, long necklace that draws attention to your beautiful front..." At this point, I started acting like he wasn't there. My heart was pounding. I mean, the dude was talking about my (noticeably larger than average) books. 

 

He finally left. I felt so dirty and gross. But so confused, simply because he was OLD. If he had been my age, I would have given him the cold shoulder much sooner. But that felt like it would be rude. But then later, I felt so yucky that I let him engage me this way for so long.

 

What would you have done? It's still bothering me, four days later. 

Edited November 10, 2016 by Janie Grace

[maize]

I understand wanting to be polite to an old person, but: you made the choice to let him infringe on your personal boundaries (including your time).

 

It would have been entirely reasonable and a better expression of healthy self respect to say, after a few polite moments of conversation, "Well, it was nice to meet you. I have to get back to my work now, I hope you have a nice day." then turn your attention to your work and ignore him. If he persisted: "I'm sorry, it was nice to talk but I really have to work" and move to another table if necessary.

 

It is not an expression of politeness to let people take advantage of you and make you uncomfortable, even elderly people.

Edited November 10, 2016 by maize

[Aura]

:cursing:  :cursing:  :cursing:  :cursing:  :cursing:

 

Grrrrr...

 

I would have been like you to start with. I would not have assumed that a man that much older than me would actually be hitting on me, so I would have been a bit shocked. I'm also not good at confrontation. I probably would have said something along the lines of being married...

 

BUT what I want to say I would have done would be to pointedly look him in the eye and tell him that I am not interested in him and if he continues I will call the on him for police for sexual harassment. And if he persisted, not only follow through but get the management of the shop involved as well.

 

That kind of behavior just really, really, really ticks me off.  :cursing:  :cursing:  :cursing:  :cursing:

[Aura]

Being polite is NOT an invitation for some pervert to make unwanted, sexual advances!

[Guest]

Yeah, cut that off after a few polite comments and firmly hold the line. If someone gets pushy, get less polite and more firm. It works well. If you don't hold the line it's too easy to end up in a weird and uncomfortable position like the one you describe. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

[Miss Peregrine]

Ew.

[Jean in Newcastle]

i would wonder about dementia of some kind.  And I would have left and/or  refused to engage.  I agree with Maize about setting and maintaining boundaries. 

[catz]

WOW!  There was a time in my life I would have allowed that conversation to go on and on, but I would have cut him off very quickly with vigor.  Gross.

[Joules]

Not excusing anything, but sometimes inappropriate behavior like that comes with dementia.  Maybe you could have offered to call a family member to pick him up?  Either he needs it and it would help, or he would get the message.

 

I'm thinking now that might be a good line for anyone...."You are acting very inappropriately.  Can I call someone to pick you up?"

[TranquilMind]

I was at a coffee shop doing some work when I was approached by a elderly man (85) who wanted to talk politics. He was very well dressed and obviously educated/wealthy. I tried to respond politely but I didn't engage very much. He kept talking. He was obviously lonely. He asked lots of questions about my life, my parents, where I was born and went to college, etc. He acted fascinated and dazzled by all of my responses. I was feeling impatient (I had work to do!) but again, I was tried to be polite because he was old. He was more than twice my age, so I wasn't thinking he was hitting on me. I was trying to treat him the way I would want my Grandpa treated, you know? When he found out where I grew up, he said "I knew I picked up up for a reason!" (huh?). I guess his deceased wife grew up in the same area. At one point, he asked me if I charge by the hour or the day (I am a contracted employee) and kind of winked and said he had things I could do for him. (I thought, "wait, surely he doesn't mean...")  At this point, I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. I realized that maybe he was seeing this as a romantic encounter. 

 

He wanted to write down my name in his datebook so he would remember that he met me that day. He said he draws a symbol for each person he meets so that he can remember who they were, something memorable about them. He went on and on about how hard I was to capture in a symbol... he started narrating my appearance... "nicely dressed, short hair but not a lesbian, long necklace that draws attention to your beautiful front..." At this point, I started acting like he wasn't there. My heart was pounding. I mean, the dude was talking about my (noticeably larger than average) books. 

 

He finally left. I felt so dirty and gross. But so confused, simply because he was OLD. If he had been my age, I would have given him the cold shoulder much sooner. But that felt like it would be rude. But then later, I felt so yucky that I let him engage me this way for so long.

 

What would you have done? It's still bothering me, four days later. 

85 years old???

 

I would have just laughed out loud, honestly, at him hitting on me, and told him to knock if off, that I was a respectable woman young enough to be his daughter (or granddaughter, depending on your age).  I would have warned him that this is a very good way to lose control of his life, because if a doctor finds out he is doing this stuff, someone will take guardianship.  I probably would have talked to him for awhile if he backed off. 

 

But this is me and I may be a lot older than you (and I've already been a caregiver).  So YMMV.

 

I'm all about just calling people on what they are doing. 

[Charlie]

Ew! I would have done the same thing as you, OP. I would have been friendly, then increasingly creeped out. The only difference is I would have gone home, told my family, and we all would have laughed. I don't think "romance" is quite the way I'd put his intentions, but I do think he went to sleep with a smile on his face that night.

[Guest]

i would wonder about dementia of some kind. And I would have left and/or refused to engage. I agree with Maize about setting and maintaining boundaries.

That would be my other guess, there is a lot of this going on in nursing homes that we have seen for just this reason. The filter comes off first. It's still not appropriate and needs to be handled firmly and without engaging, but I wouldn't assume his motivations and instead just deal with the actions.

[Aura]

I understand wanting to be polite to an old person, but: you made the choice to let him infringe on your personal boundaries (including your time).

 

It would have been entirely reasonable and a better expression of healthy self respect to say, after a few polite moments of conversation, "Well, it was nice to meet you. I have to get back to my work now, I hope you have a nice day." then turn your attention to your work and ignore him. If he persisted: " I'm sorry, it was nice to talk but I really have to work" and move to another table if necessary.

 

It is not an expression of politeness to let people take advantage of you and make you uncomfortable, even elderly people.

If he wanted to just talk, it was her choice to allow it or, like you said, set boundaries.

 

But the old man was out of line. It was not her fault that he decided to turn it into a sexual matter instead of casual conversation. That moved things from one level to whole other. It changed the entire dynamic of the scenario. He was, quite simply, a sexual predator who was looking for a weakness to attack.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If he wanted to just talk, it was her choice to allow it or, like you said, set boundaries.

 

But the old man was out of line. It was not her fault that he decided to turn it into a sexual matter instead of casual conversation. That moved things from one level to whole other. It changed the entire dynamic of the scenario. He was, quite simply, a sexual predator who was looking for a weakness to attack.

 

Or he was an elderly man with dementia who is not able to make good judgements at all. 

 

 

[mamiof5]

No idea what I would have done. I'm sorry you went through that. How uncomfortable :(

[maize]

If he wanted to just talk, it was her choice to allow it or, like you said, set boundaries.

 

But the old man was out of line. It was not her fault that he decided to turn it into a sexual matter instead of casual conversation. That moved things from one level to whole other. It changed the entire dynamic of the scenario. He was, quite simply, a sexual predator who was looking for a weakness to attack.

The sexual stuff came late in the conversation. I would have cut things off much sooner if I wasn't personally wanting a long chat with a random stranger. It sounds like OP was unhappy with the conversation well before it turned sexual.

[Janie Grace]

Ew! I would have done the same thing as you, OP. I would have been friendly, then increasingly creeped out. The only difference is I would have gone home, told my family, and we all would have laughed. I don't think "romance" is quite the way I'd put his intentions, but I do think he went to sleep with a smile on his face that night.

 

Thanks for saying this. I don't think I did something WRONG by talking to him... different people have different levels of tolerance for unexpected smalltalk, and while talking to an old man wasn't on my agenda, I was trying to be a "good neighbor" in a Golden Rule kind of way. If I were old and lonely, I would appreciate someone being willing to shoot the breeze with me. Some of these comments make me feel like I invited his inappropriateness, and I don't think that's true.

 

I did tell my dh but he didn't laugh. He was creeped out and bothered by it. As was I. 

[Janie Grace]

The sexual stuff came late in the conversation. I would have cut things off much sooner if I wasn't personally wanting a long chat with a random stranger. It sounds like OP was unhappy with the conversation well before it turned sexual.

 

Maybe you have a point. I have been thinking about this in a "do unto others" way... yes, I didn't want a long chat with a random stranger, but I was trying to be nice, to treat him the way I'd want to be treated if I were old and lonely. I do tend to downplay my preferences for the sake of preserving other people's feelings. Maybe I need to get better at that. 

[kitten18]

I would have done the same as you. Tried to be polite for too long and then been creeped out later.

[Charlie]

Thanks for saying this. I don't think I did something WRONG by talking to him... different people have different levels of tolerance for unexpected smalltalk, and while talking to an old man wasn't on my agenda, I was trying to be a "good neighbor" in a Golden Rule kind of way. If I were old and lonely, I would appreciate someone being willing to shoot the breeze with me. Some of these comments make me feel like I invited his inappropriateness, and I don't think that's true.

 

I did tell my dh but he didn't laugh. He was creeped out and bothered by it. As was I. 

 

I don't think you did anything wrong either. How could you know he was an old perv? There's no way, and chances were in your favor he was just a sweet, friendly, lonely old man. It was nice what you did.

[Guest]

Maybe you have a point. I have been thinking about this in a "do unto others" way... yes, I didn't want a long chat with a random stranger, but I was trying to be nice, to treat him the way I'd want to be treated if I were old and lonely. I do tend to downplay my preferences for the sake of preserving other people's feelings. Maybe I need to get better at that.

Nobody on here that I see is blaming you. We are explaining how to prevent this in the future. I'm bad this way too because I tend to be overly polite and guilty about shutting people down but picking an arbitrary line for small talk and then cutting it off when it reaches that point is an okay and healthy boundary, it's not unkind to him or anyone else to not tolerate endless time or any conversational path they choose. You matter too.

[catz]

Or he was an elderly man with dementia who is not able to make good judgements at all. 

 

 

 

:iagree: It might have been good just to report him to the police just to have a record if he's wandering town and harassing people he may need some programming/day time supervision.

 

[DesertBlossom]

I don't think "romance" is quite the way I'd put his intentions, but I do think he went to sleep with a smile on his face that night.

I don't think anyone should think they have to put up with that kind of talk, even if it is an old man who thinks he's flirting. IMO, his behavior crossed the line and I think he should be ashamed of himself that he talked to a woman that way.

 

But as others have said, there may be a bit of dementia involved. My mom passed away a few years ago and my 70+ yo father gets creepy sometimes with the nurses and other women he says. It's awful and I tell him so. He never ever talked that way that I know of. I think part of it is loneliness, old age and not accepting the fact that he's not a dashing 20-something young man.

[gingersmom]

I would have never engaged in a conversation in the first place.

 

I would suspect dementia though.

 

I had an elderly widowed neighbor (male, late 70s, 2 houses down) who made inappropriate comments everytime he saw me, even in front of my children. I had known him for 10 years, knew he was not in his right mind but it was uncomfortable and my daughter was freaking out.

 

I finally said something to his son who apologized profusely and it stopped for a little while. It resumed, then he landed in hospital (cancer) and died very soon after.

[luuknam]

I would probably have 'remembered' an appointment I had to go to as soon as it became clear he wanted sexual stuff, and I'd be working from a different coffee shop (or home, or wherever) for the next few weeks.

 

ETA: I mean, I understood you to mean you were doing work on your laptop or something. If you actually work *at* the coffee shop, then I would've been firm about his advances being unwanted, and involved authorities if that didn't stop things.

Edited November 10, 2016 by luuknam

[maize]

Maybe you have a point. I have been thinking about this in a "do unto others" way... yes, I didn't want a long chat with a random stranger, but I was trying to be nice, to treat him the way I'd want to be treated if I were old and lonely. I do tend to downplay my preferences for the sake of preserving other people's feelings. Maybe I need to get better at that.

I certainly don't think it is wrong to be kind to people, and talking to a lonely person is a kind thing to do. The weird twist the conversation took was in no way your fault. It just sounded to me from your original post that you were unhappy with the whole conversation and wondering what you could have done differently.

 

I think it is common for women in particular to feel that their own needs/desires do not have the same value as the needs/desires of others. So we sometimes bend over backwards in ways that hurt us more than they benefit others.

 

I'm trying to say--it is healthy for a person to set and maintain some limits around their own needs and priorities.

[Charlie]

I don't think anyone should think they have to put up with that kind of talk, even if it is an old man who thinks he's flirting. IMO, his behavior crossed the line and I think he should be ashamed of himself that he talked to a woman that way.

 

But as others have said, there may be a bit of dementia involved. My mom passed away a few years ago and my 70+ yo father gets creepy sometimes with the nurses and other women he says. It's awful and I tell him so. He never ever talked that way that I know of. I think part of it is loneliness, old age and not accepting the fact that he's not a dashing 20-something young man.

 

I don't think anyone should think they have to put up with that talk, either! If it happened to me, once I realized where the conversation was going, I'd probably make an awkward exit (because I'm awkward like that). I don't think the old man was flirting. I don't think there was anything romantic about it at all, but at first, how could the OP know? How could anyone have known? No one could. Once the reality becomes clear, the choice is to continue engaging, or stop. The OP stopped because that was the more comfortable choice for her. I would have been for me, too. And yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if dementia played a part. Another reason I wouldn't take it personally. No one meant to be bad to the other. Age plays crueler tricks on some people more than others, and the OP just happened to have gotten caught in the crossfire.

[Moonhawk]

I'm sorry you had to deal with this.  

 

I live in a retirement community, so I'm fairly accustomed to seniors striking up conversations, especially coffee shops.  Men and women, it seems to be a loneliness factor 90% of the time, they just see someone sitting alone "like them" and really just want an opportunity to talk. It can be inconvenient, but I guess I just take it as part of living here.

 

So, I would have probably acted like you in the beginning.  Once a hint of fishing, I would drop "My husband" into the conversation in back-to-back sentences. I don't wear a ring so it is necessary sometimes; and sometimes people ignore rings anyway, so by bringing it up explicitly they usually back down. If he is older, and he is not all there anymore, this may not get across, so maybe something like "Well it's been an interesting conversation but I really have to meet this deadline and need to work now, I hope you have a great day." Then turn and ignore. Get up and go to the counter for no reason other than to shake him off and wait until he leaves the table. If he persists or follows, ask a worker if they know him, and that you need privacy to work and help may be required.  Fake phone call. 

 

I notice a lot of my ways are less direct than is probably what most people will advise.  I do tend to avoid confrontation or up the ante in situations. But, if he got pushy (asking for number, name, contact, if I'll be back here tomorrow), then it gets to the "You have the wrong impression, and I don't think we should continue talking.  I'm going to work now, have a safe trip home." And then tell a worker about the problem if he doesn't leave you alone. 

 

But really, in the heat of th moment it gets hard to figure out what to do, and what you did was a normal response to an unacceptable conversation.  I sincerely hope you aren't in this position again. 

[G5052]

Maybe it's just a lessons learned type of thing.

 

I'm fine with random chit-chat with strangers and acquaintances, but as soon as it got more detailed, I'd be hitting the road no matter how much I had to do. In my experience, when someone I barely know starts settling into more personal stuff, it isn't good.

 

I worked for 15 years in a male-dominated field before children. Certainly, I had male friends at work where we discussed more of our lives, but not until I knew them. Suddenly going very personal was almost always a clue that it was about to bad from my perspective. This was mostly before formal s*xual harassment policies and such on the job, so it was pretty ugly at times. Even later when I was with a government agency that really watched that sort of thing, I had two different bosses that I had to fend off multiple times. Both tried multiple times to get close to me with very personal conversations and such, and one got frustrated and became explicit as to his intentions. I changed jobs several months later and went to another organization because it was affecting my ability to function there. His bosses knew and wouldn't do anything about it.

[magnificent_baby]

Eww. And weird. I would laugh it off as at that age I wouldn't worry about him being a threat to me. If he were approaching minors, I'd be on the phone with the police. I would, however, report it to the coffee shop so they can take notice and not lose customers over his weird behavior. 

[gardenmom5]

if you don't want to talk - you say "so sorry, but I'm very busy".  and turn your back.  just because he's old doesn't mean you must allow him to monopolize your time.  and that would save you from feeling dirty.

 

and if he refuses to take a hint - go talk the manager and tell them one of their customers is bothering you - another customer.  (and if they dont' do something, you'll make sure word gets around to your friends it's not a safe place for females to hang out.)

[hornblower]

Fortunately for me, my resting bitch face is terrifying enough that it acts as a deterrent. 


I think we've been socially conditioned to stay polite and smiling; what we need to do when things start getting awkward is slow down.
Stop smiling, stop talking, breathe, listen to your inner voice & ask yourself the question "do I want to continue this?" If the answer is no, listen to that voice and end the conversation. 

[hornblower]

Also, unless you feel you are in a space which is very unsafe (no other patrons, or equally hostile patrons), I feel it's important to not leave.  Women shouldn't be pushed out of public spaces by creepy men. 

Having to change seats on trains, get off buses & catch the next one, leave cafe tables etc etc. It's terribly disturbing to me that women have to do this stuff to escape harassment. 

Edited November 10, 2016 by hornblower

[maize]

Thinking more about what I was trying to say: I think we need a corrolary to the golden rule, one related to the commandment to "love thy neighbor as thyself'--we can't appropriately show love and respect for others beyond what we are able to show for ourselves. If I would not impose myself on the time and work of strangers without invitation, neither need I allow others to impose themselves on my time and work without invitation.

 

Show the same respect for yourself that you would show for others.

 

Of course everything is situation dependent, if you had an urgent need you would probably feel OK interrupting someone to ask for help, and you would likewise be willing to help someone under similar circumstances.

Edited November 10, 2016 by maize

[marbel]

I wouldn't jump to conclusion about the guy being a sexual predator.  I'm with those who wonder about dementia.  (I have run into this at a nursing home when I volunteer sometimes.)

 

OP, I probably would have done the same as you and felt impatient and then a little icky.   But it is good to learn how to cut a conversation off.  Whenever I sit in a coffee shop I get out something that looks like work (even if it's just a random notebook and my phone, and earbuds to I can really disengage) so I can say a variation on "nice to talk to you, but I have work to do."   

 

Agree with Hornblower that you should not have to be the one to move.

 

Try to shake it off.  You didn't do anything wrong, and you weren't in any danger.   :grouphug:

 

 

Edited November 10, 2016 by marbel

[luuknam]

Also, unless you feel you are in a space which is very unsafe (no other patrons, or equally hostile patrons), I feel it's important to not leave.  Women shouldn't be pushed out of public spaces by creepy men. 

 

Having to change seats on trains, get off buses & catch the next one, leave cafe tables etc etc. It's terribly disturbing to me that women have to do this stuff to escape harassment. 

 

I don't think we should be forced to stay just to make a statement either though. It's not morally wrong to leave, imo.

[Janie Grace]

Also, unless you feel you are in a space which is very unsafe (no other patrons, or equally hostile patrons), I feel it's important to not leave.  Women shouldn't be pushed out of public spaces by creepy men. 

 

Having to change seats on trains, get off buses & catch the next one, leave cafe tables etc etc. It's terribly disturbing to me that women have to do this stuff to escape harassment. 

 

I agree with this. I didn't want to change coffee shops. I had already purchased food/drink (i.e., my "rental space fee") and I had my laptop and papers all spread out. It's not fair that women have to be inconvenienced by creepy men. 

[Janie Grace]

I probably would have reacted like you in the beginning.  As soon as I started getting the "i am interested in you " vibes (which I will say likely would have been sooner in the conversation,) I would have started referencing my DH a lot, especially referencing that he had been a prison guard for 14 years lol.  "Oh I am so sorry your wife passed.  I don't know what I would do if mine DH passed away.  You know he used to work in the prison there near X town, he was a guard for 14 yrs....."

 

 If that didn't shoo him away, I probably would have just got up and left.  "It was great to meet you, I have to go pick up my kids now. "  And then found some other coffee shop/sandwich shop/library to work in.

 

Yeah, I did pick it up somewhat early on but I discounted it several times because he was so OLD! I thought "there is just no way." I should have listened to that sense, and next time I will.

 

I did mention my dh, but he was running the conversation, asking questions or rambling on about something. It was hard to steer. 

[marbel]

It's not like it's only guys being creepers that make women have to do this stuff.  Women can be mean and nasty, start making comments about other womens hair or clothes, and then I remember a video a year or two ago where two women were sexually harassing this guy in line at the convenience store or gas station, they kept trying to grab his butt etc.  I think he ended up trying to press charges too, though I don't know exactly what happened beyond that.

 

The reality is...people can be @$$holes, thankfully there are many more non @$$holes out there too. 

 

I was just about to come back and say something like this.  I am much more likely to get "trapped" by a talkative/lonely/needy woman than a man.   I mean, I know the OP was talking about a man but it really isn't just men who can be annoying in this way.  

[Charlie]

Yeah, I did pick it up somewhat early on but I discounted it several times because he was so OLD! I thought "there is just no way." I should have listened to that sense, and next time I will.

 

So it took you a longer time to process all that was going on than you like. That happens. Don't beat yourself up over it. You seem like a nice person. I hope this doesn't make you hesitate to be nice to strangers in the future. Not because you should, but because I imagine that makes you feel good. Reminding yourself to keep to yourself when your instincts are to be friendly would probably make you feel worse over time. Well, it would me.

 

[alisoncooks]

What an unpleasant encounter. I will say, his comment of "short hair but not a lesbian" cracked me up. Did he ask or assume, LOL?

[Janie Grace]

What an unpleasant encounter. I will say, his comment of "short hair but not a lesbian" cracked me up. Did he ask or assume, LOL?

 

I know, that was pretty random and funny. He knew I was married (to a man) with kids but that point, so I guess he assumed! 

[SparklyUnicorn]

It was ok and only mildly annoying until he started taking notes.  And even then you could think well chalk that up to maybe he has a bad memory and really wants to keep track of stuff.  But commenting on your looks, books, and sexual orientation?  WTF that's not cool.

 

I don't know what I would have done.  Probably been damn shocked like you.

 

 

[Guest]

It was ok and only mildly annoying until he started taking notes. And even then you could think well chalk that up to maybe he has a bad memory and really wants to keep track of stuff. But commenting on your looks, books, and sexual orientation? WTF that's not cool.

 

I don't know what I would have done. Probably been damn shocked like you.

I'd assume that as well. I have a family member with severe dementia who walks around with a notebook and takes notes on the conversations and appearances of everyone she meets, because she knows she cannot keep track of them and gets confused quickly. Because she is a woman I think this might be considered more acceptable - in fact she was a practicing lawyer until a few years ago, but all marbles have summarily been lost since then :lol:

 

With an elderly person who has a notepad it's almost always a memory assist, but that doesn't mean some of the comments weren't still creepy, agreed!

Edited November 10, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[Wheres Toto]

I probably would have been creeped out as soon as he started with all the personal questions.  People don't act like that around here, and I tend to be fairly introverted so I don't think I would have given more than one word answers from the very beginning.

 

I used to go hang out in Panera by myself all the time.  I tend to be completely oblivious and paying too much attention to my own stuff to notice what's going on around me.  Someone could come up and say hi to me and I'd probably give a half smile and just turn back to whatever I'm doing.  I'm sure I come across rude sometimes but oh well.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 25, 2016 by ..Kathy..

[bolt.]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I think (maybe) you might have a (very common) stereotype in your head about the elderly: that they aren't interested in dates or sex. That they are all good people, like all grandparents should be.

 

In this case it played out in a way that contributed to your intense discomfort when you realized a few beats late, that, yes, he is interested in dating -- and trying to start conversations with coffee shop women is a reasonable strategy.

 

The other part of this is making you think of it as 'gross' or 'creepy' -- which is part of why it still bothering you (other than that he made open comments about your clothes, figure and 'front'). I think you will let it pass more easily if you just remember that he was young once, and all the 'men who pick up women in bars' eventually get old. It's just a man. It doesn't really matter that it was an old man.

[Guest]

I would have handled it by making my wedding ring a bit more obvious, then when he continued, cut the conversation short as I moved out of arm's reach along my escape path. Get in the habit of not letting yourself be trapped physically, and make a rescue arrangement with your coworker or supervisor. If you get flustered, run to the bathroom without saying anything.

[hornblower]

  Are we willing to say that a guy should never make advances towards a woman he is attracted to out of fear he might make her uncomfortable?

Women aren't prey to be hunted and guys shouldn't be wandering around in public rating women's attraction, deciding if she's attractive enough & trying to score.

 

Women have the right to be in public spaces, in workplaces, in schools and just be left alone to do their thing.

 

 

And those of you who mention wedding rings and husband - so what are women who aren't married to men supposed to do? Or women who don't wear rings?  Lie? Manufacture a man in their life? Because what - we're property and only once another man has marked us with a man respect that this turf is taken? 

 

Honestly that shield a) veers into the territory of belief that suggests women need their menfolk with them to protect them at all times, or at least the idea that they have menfolk to protect them, and also conveniently ignores that there's a whole fetish around married women & young mothers especially (if you don't know the acronym I'll happily pm you). 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I also want to say that, just because a man....of ANY legal age....tries to pick up a woman he is attracted to, that doesn't AUTOMATICALLY make him a sexual predator.  It means he's attracted to her.  It sounds like the OP was uncomfortable, but unless I missed something, it doesn't sound like the OP made the guy aware that she was uncomfortable.  If he's unaware that his advances are unwanted, how is he supposed to know to stop making them?  Are we willing to say that a guy should never make advances towards a woman he is attracted to out of fear he might make her uncomfortable?

 

Although "pick up"?  That's not a reasonable pick up method IMO.  Saying hey you are pretty or I enjoyed talking to you is one thing.  Tallying up details on looks, books, and sexual orientation while taking notes in a book...that's creepy.