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A bystander's guide to standing up against harassment


bibiche
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Some tips on what you can do if you see someone being harassed. I saw a video posted about this recently, but can't remember if it was here or not. So just in case it wasn't:

http://www.themarysue.com/bystanders-harassment-guide/

 

ETA Some people don't like that link. Here is another. It is in French (and, to orient you, deals with sexual harassment) but it is a cartoon, so hopefully will get the message across. Feel free to add links that you have found on how to help people who are the victims of harassment.

http://projetcrocodiles.tumblr.com/post/86299616713/pour-plus-de-clart%C3%A9-jai-chang%C3%A9-un-peu-de

Edited by bibiche
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stirthepot.gif

How is posting a guide to help people who are being harassed stirring the pot, pray tell?

 

Your reaction boggles the mind. Seriously. And if you find it offensive that this particular illustration relates to islamaphobia keep reading to where it says "(and other types of harassment, too)."

 

Equal opportunity anti-harassment guide.

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JoJosMom, do you not think harassment of Muslim women is a real problem? 

 

I am a Christian, and I have been targeted at the airport because of my head covering. How much more must that sort of thing happen for women who are more obviously Muslim?

Edited by MercyA
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Some tips on what you can do if you see someone being harassed. I saw a video posted about this recently, but can't remember if it was here or not. So just in case it wasn't:

http://www.themarysue.com/bystanders-harassment-guide/

 

That's great, and my mom, the consummate diplomat, could have pulled this off beautifully.

Me? I would not be able to ignore the attacker, and would probably get into it with him.  But I would definitely do something!

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Woe to that man.  ;)

 

Well, that's how I think of myself, as scary, and not to be messed with.  ;) 

 

In reality, he would just see some old(ish) woman being a busybody.  But hey, old ladies have chased off attackers before, due to the surprise factor of a bold attack from an unlikely source.  

 

Edited by TranquilMind
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So...all those Trump supporters that have been attacked, including physically attacked, all across the country over the last two days, can use these same tactics? 

 

Well, it wouldn't solve everything, not the cars being smashed in, the people who have been beaten up, and so on. But, maybe when the "words hurt" they can use these tactics. 

 

But what do the Muslim daughters do to protect themselves? After all, it is not just words hurting them. This happened while I knew the family... http://www.dallasnews.com/news/crime/2014/08/31/honor-killing-documentary-seeks-justice-for-slain-lewisville-sisters

 

And another one of their members of their community came forward, pregnant out of wedlock, and needed a secret abortion or she would be killed too in an honor killing. Even though I am prolife, I did not even argue with her because I knew the men in her family would actually carry through on their threats. Your link would not protect Muslim daughters. Since I did help that daughter with her issue earlier this year, helped her kill her baby that she wanted to save her life from an honor killing, I am a little afraid of the family right now. What should I be doing?

Edited by Janeway
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So...all those Trump supporters that have been attacked, including physically attacked, all across the country over the last two days, can use these same tactics? 

 

Well, it wouldn't solve everything, not the cars being smashed in, the people who have been beaten up, and so on. But, maybe when the "words hurt" they can use these tactics. 

 

But what do the Muslim daughters do to protect themselves? After all, it is not just words hurting them. This happened while I knew the family... http://www.dallasnews.com/news/crime/2014/08/31/honor-killing-documentary-seeks-justice-for-slain-lewisville-sisters

 

And another one of their members of their community came forward, pregnant out of wedlock, and needed a secret abortion or she would be killed too in an honor killing. Even though I am prolife, I did not even argue with her because I knew the men in her family would actually carry through on their threats. Your link would not protect Muslim daughters. Since I did help that daughter with her issue earlier this year, helped her kill her baby that she wanted to save her life from an honor killing, I am a little afraid of the family right now. What should I be doing?

 

If someone is being attacked for their beliefs, I hope others would stand up for them. That's what the op was about.

 

I'm not sure what the rest of your post has to do with the op.  Bystanders cannot help with those situations.

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If someone is being attacked for their beliefs, I hope others would stand up for them. That's what the op was about.

 

I'm not sure what the rest of your post has to do with the op.  Bystanders cannot help with those situations.

 

 

Just saying that harassment happens in many many situations. I really think Bibiche only posted that specific page on harassment as a way to make a post that Muslim women are attacked a lot by people for being Muslim. I do not think her post was about how to help anyone but rather a veiled attempt to bring up racial issues again and being attacked for religious and racial issues, again. 

 

Fact is, anyone can be attacked, Muslims do not own that. However, in US history, Muslims attacking anyone in general or Muslims attacking their own wives and daughters is far more common and dangerous. I have been verbally attacked many times for my religion, my race, my parentage, body size, and my family size. My child has been attacked for his gender identity and my other child has been attacked for having ASD. It happens. 

 

To specifically show something on helping one specific group or population and then showing comic book style pictures of those people being horribly attacked (by a fat guy at that, because we all know bad people are always fat, and fat people are always bad), it was meant to specifically bring up a specific political agenda. And political posts are not allowed. If she could remove the politics from her post, then it would be ok.

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This is Link to show one way to help. YOU are acting like its some pro-D, anti-R link. Come on, you really feel the need to bitch about extreme beliefs of a certain religion. Again? We get it. It's a dangerous situation, and you are great to help her, but your situation is not what the link is referring to, and I'm guessing you understand that. There's a political board for your type of concern about the possible dangers of Islam and I'm guessing you know that, too.

She can post a link about helping people who are being harassed without making it about a specific religion.

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Thank you for this link. There have been some recent incidents in my area, and reading this helped me think through how I'd handle witnessing one. I like the emphasis on not engaging with the aggressor.

 

My area yesterday also saw some incidents involving the LGBT community and I think the same approach would work there.

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She can post a link about helping people who are being harassed without making it about a specific religion.

 

The author explains she is a French Middle Eastern Muslim woman, so the cartoon reflects her experiences. I found it interesting because even though I live in a very tolerant area, should I witness something like this, now I know what to do. I never have and I hope I never do, but if I do I've got an idea to go on at least. It's pretty obvious that this tactic can be generalized to any victim, not just Muslims, not just women, not just people sitting on a bus. It wouldn't work against molotov cocktails any more than it would work against a bear attack, but then, it's not meant to.

Edited by Charlie
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So...all those Trump supporters that have been attacked, including physically attacked, all across the country over the last two days, can use these same tactics?

 

Well, it wouldn't solve everything, not the cars being smashed in, the people who have been beaten up, and so on. But, maybe when the "words hurt" they can use these tactics.

 

But what do the Muslim daughters do to protect themselves? After all, it is not just words hurting them. This happened while I knew the family... http://www.dallasnews.com/news/crime/2014/08/31/honor-killing-documentary-seeks-justice-for-slain-lewisville-sisters

 

And another one of their members of their community came forward, pregnant out of wedlock, and needed a secret abortion or she would be killed too in an honor killing. Even though I am prolife, I did not even argue with her because I knew the men in her family would actually carry through on their threats. Your link would not protect Muslim daughters. Since I did help that daughter with her issue earlier this year, helped her kill her baby that she wanted to save her life from an honor killing, I am a little afraid of the family right now. What should I be doing?

I would absolutely step in to help/defend/befriend a Trump supporter who was being attacked. Whether or not I despise Trump is irrelevant to the situation--I do not approve of bullying and harassment of anyone for their beliefs, whether political, religious, or ideological.

 

I do not condone anyone being attacked for who they are or what they believe, even if I were vehemently against that belief. I may argue rigorously if they are actively promoting ideas I find hurtful and dangerous, but even in those cases I do not think harassment is good or necessary. Harrassment is wrong in and of itself regardless of who it is directed against. I can't think of any situation where it has done any kind of good, and I know it does plenty of harm.

 

As for the rest of your post--that was a total non sequitur.

Edited by maize
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This isn't bad. I haven't encountered such a situation, but I wonder what could a person do if the person being harassed didn't speak the same language.

I'm assuming try to engage with them anyway because the person will see very clearly in your facial expressions that you are trying to help and are not angry like the harasser.

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This isn't bad. I haven't encountered such a situation, but I wonder what could a person do if the person being harassed didn't speak the same language. 

 

Whip out your cell phone with Google translate and chat that way. Most people in the U.S. will speak at least a little English. Show them pictures of your kids, or kittens. Everyone likes kittens!

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And with the cell phone out, if you are really concerned, you can always start recording Mr. Harrasser if it's legal to do so in your state (where I live it is, especially in a public place). Even if the person doesn't speak your language, though, a friendly tone of voice will help create safe space.

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Whip out your cell phone with Google translate and chat that way. Most people in the U.S. will speak at least a little English. Show them pictures of your kids, or kittens. Everyone likes kittens!

 

IIRC, Sparkly doesn't have a smart phone, but, Sparkly, if you just talk about anything, it helps.  When you're in an uncomfortable situation and you don't speak the language, *any* helpful person is needed.

Edited by Amira
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While the comic was focused on Muslim women, the advice in the article could be used for anyone. The article is about intercommunity violence and how people can help in public places that many find overwhelming, Janeway, you are talking about intracommunity violence which is a very different and often less public kettle of fish. 

 

And Janeway, as a US citizen who has been unable to return for over 13 years because members of a Christian church - with the support of their church - feel that I have dishonored them by leaving the church, being openly queer, and having children while both of those to the point they assaulted me, stalked me to the point UK police had to get involved after they took picture in front of the University I worked at to send to me to prove they were still watching me, and threatened to kill me and kidnap my children under their, in their own words, 'duty to God', I would say your posts seem to ignore that honor-based misogynistic violence is not an Islam only issue but a global patriarchal issue. All violence will be more intracommunity purely due to proximity, it's not something of a particular group. My family very white-passing Christian community made me feel my entire childhood and beyond that I could die a violent end at any moment and the wider society did not care which is how they keep getting away with it - some of it was misogyny, some of it was ableism, all of it was power.

 

One of the best way to help people facing such intracommunity violence is to find and help access refuges and sanctuaries and community safe points, particularly with people that are and understand the community involved and practical support which is a strong barrier for many. I was lucky in that I found practical support easily online - with individuals, not organizations - and prior to law changes over the last decade that would have prevented my safety abroad; finding understanding counseling has been far harder because the idea of honor based violence being only for a few communities means the rest of us are often erased and blamed for the pain and scars we still carry because at least my family isn't X or Y. Attempting to explain it often gets dismissed as a few violent people rather than systemic issues within a large church and the larger community that supported them which means I talk about it little. 

 

There is also the public voice of marches and rallies to stand together against this violence, both intercommunity and intracommunity, which is a great way to be heard, to visibly show support for others who may be in need, and find and spread resources to help. 

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IIRC, Sparkly doesn't have a smart phone, but, Sparkly, if you just talk about anything, it helps.  When you're in an uncomfortable situation and you don't speak the language, *any* helpful person is needed.

 

Yes, I don't have a phone.

 

Just thinking of Muslims in particular around here.  Many don't seem to speak much English.  Luckily I have not encountered any problems though.  I'm not so great with confrontation (which is mostly because I couldn't do anything if someone got physically nasty), but I could pull off the scenario mentioned.  Just not so sure how much sense that would make with someone who doesn't speak the same language as I do though.

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Yes, I don't have a phone.

 

Just thinking of Muslims in particular around here.  Many don't seem to speak much English.  Luckily I have not encountered any problems though.  I'm not so great with confrontation (which is mostly because I couldn't do anything if someone got physically nasty), but I could pull off the scenario mentioned.  Just not so sure how much sense that would make with someone who doesn't speak the same language as I do though.

 

I know, it might feel weird, but it doesn't have to make sense if you're giving her a safe space.

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I'm so very puzzled at the direction this thread has gone so far. Like, truly baffled.

I think one could go in either direction (positive direction or skeptical/negative direction).  I'm not an optimist in general, and I sometimes take these suggestions as accusations or scoldings.  I decided to assume it was neither though.  And I'm trying to be more positive.

 

Just saying, I think I understand the various POVs to some extent.

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Janeway, does the person who is being harassed make harassment right or wrong or political?  Because that is the only reason I can see for you objecting to this post.  What difference does it make who is being harassed?  Shouldn't we try to stop it whenever it happens?

 

Mercy is spot on and wise as usual...  Human rights and basic human decency are not political issues.

 

 

 

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I think one could go in either direction (positive direction or skeptical/negative direction).  I'm not an optimist in general, and I sometimes take these suggestions as accusations or scoldings.  I decided to assume it was neither though.  And I'm trying to be more positive.

 

 

Good for you, Sparkly!

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IIRC, Sparkly doesn't have a smart phone, but, Sparkly, if you just talk about anything, it helps.  When you're in an uncomfortable situation and you don't speak the language, *any* helpful person is needed.

 

I agree.  You don't even need to speak their language.  They can hear the compassion in your voice and see the kindness in your expression and will appreciate the distraction.

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I think one could go in either direction (positive direction or skeptical/negative direction).  I'm not an optimist in general, and I sometimes take these suggestions as accusations or scoldings.  I decided to assume it was neither though.  And I'm trying to be more positive.

 

Just saying, I think I understand the various POVs to some extent.

 

True.  It could be that the interest in this particular link had roots in a political view, but who cares?  The situation is still real and it happens.  It's to everyone's benefit and no one's detriment to learn what to do to be helpful in these situations.

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Thank you for posting. 

 

It reminds me of the show, "What Would You Do?" Has anyone else seen that show? They have hidden cameras and set up actors acting out various situations to see how many people will step in to help. Everything from domestic violence, harassing people that are gay, breastfeeding, Muslim, Christian, deaf, Autistic, homeless, etc. I've stepped up in situations but never have never had anything eggregiously horrible in front of me. I'm glad for info to handle it in a non-confrontational manner as my first thought is to be loud. I've came from a long line of strong women who tend to speak our mind :)

Edited by soror
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Thank you for posting. 

 

It reminds me of the show, "What Would You Do?" Has anyone else seen that show? They have hidden cameras and set up actors acting out various situations to see how many people will step in to help. Everything from domestic violence, harassing people that are gay, breastfeeding, Muslim, Christian, deaf, Autistic, homeless, etc. I've stepped up in situations but never have never had anything eggregiously horrible in front of me. I'm glad for info to handle it in a non-confrontational manner as my first thought is to be loud. I've came from a long line of strong women who tend to speak our mind :)

 

 

Oh yeah! I had forgotten about that. I thought it was a great show. I think a show like that encourages people to step up. It gives them real role models and shows the role models being rewarded with social approval. Not that people would do it for social approval irl because they are more likely to become a target themselves, but it reinforces the value of standing up. 

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Wow.  That made me cry.  Really cry. 

 

I'm already on the verge today (recent events, and I posted separately about my dog)... I'm trying to hide the tears and sniffling from the kids, because they will start to cry too, darn it.

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While the comic was focused on Muslim women, the advice in the article could be used for anyone. The article is about intercommunity violence and how people can help in public places that many find overwhelming, Janeway, you are talking about intracommunity violence which is a very different and often less public kettle of fish.

 

And Janeway, as a US citizen who has been unable to return for over 13 years because members of a Christian church - with the support of their church - feel that I have dishonored them by leaving the church, being openly queer, and having children while both of those to the point they assaulted me, stalked me to the point UK police had to get involved after they took picture in front of the University I worked at to send to me to prove they were still watching me, and threatened to kill me and kidnap my children under their, in their own words, 'duty to God', I would say your posts seem to ignore that honor-based misogynistic violence is not an Islam only issue but a global patriarchal issue. All violence will be more intracommunity purely due to proximity, it's not something of a particular group. My family very white-passing Christian community made me feel my entire childhood and beyond that I could die a violent end at any moment and the wider society did not care which is how they keep getting away with it - some of it was misogyny, some of it was ableism, all of it was power.

 

One of the best way to help people facing such intracommunity violence is to find and help access refuges and sanctuaries and community safe points, particularly with people that are and understand the community involved and practical support which is a strong barrier for many. I was lucky in that I found practical support easily online - with individuals, not organizations - and prior to law changes over the last decade that would have prevented my safety abroad; finding understanding counseling has been far harder because the idea of honor based violence being only for a few communities means the rest of us are often erased and blamed for the pain and scars we still carry because at least my family isn't X or Y. Attempting to explain it often gets dismissed as a few violent people rather than systemic issues within a large church and the larger community that supported them which means I talk about it little.

 

There is also the public voice of marches and rallies to stand together against this violence, both intercommunity and intracommunity, which is a great way to be heard, to visibly show support for others who may be in need, and find and spread resources to help.

 

Spork, this is a valuable post. Thank you. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that treatment.

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