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Michelle My Bell

Those who have changed their kids from slobs to neat...

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Also, I want to be clear, I am not blaming you or looking down on you. I was in a similar situation in my first marriage. I credit much counseling for my ability to avoid such relationships in the future. I had to learn a lot to be able to be in a better relationship the next time. I had codependent tendencies, and counseling helped a ton. 

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You can handle it. It will be hard, but then it will be better. Do you have a trusted friend or family member who can help you start making some plans? Leaving isn't simple, but if you can plan financial and logistical things, it will be easier.

 

I sense the hurt and the feelings of being overwhelmed. I wish I could give you a hug.

 

I don't really have anyone but adult daughters. I try not to talk to them too much because I don't want to burden them. I am so ashamed of how I allowed this relationship to develop. Honestly, I just loved him and saw a future for us for so long. I wanted to marry him, but I really don't anymore. Not how things are now anyhow. 

 

The house is mine, so he will be the one to go. That is what stinks because it will take him time to find a place for himself and his son, and all the while I will have to be near him. When I am near him, I want him. But I know honestly that this relationship is toxic. I know this. I am not really opening up here, but I am opening up more than I have anywhere else. I am just too ashamed to talk to any friends. 

 

I should never have asked him to move in. I don't believe it is even right to do that as a Christian. I made my own trouble here. I know that. I should have followed God's plan for me but instead, I did this. 

 

The only counseling I know of around here is at my old church, and I couldn't go talk to them. I couldn't go tell them what is going on because I'd be too embarrassed. 

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Just realized you are in nursing school. Codependents tend towards the helper professions. Can you do some reading on that? I think I picked up my traits from my mother (a nurse) and she got them from her mother (also a nurse). 

 

There is even online counseling now, if that is all you can find. 

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Also, don't be ashamed. You were hoping for love and happiness. that's normal. But it sounds like you thought things would be different than they are. A u-turn makes more sense than continuing forward when you are on the wrong path. And it won't get easier. 

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Also, don't be ashamed. You were hoping for love and happiness. that's normal. But it sounds like you thought things would be different than they are. A u-turn makes more sense than continuing forward when you are on the wrong path. And it won't get easier. 

 

Thank you. I didn't come here for this when I asked my question and honestly I was shocked when everyone started saying I was in a bad relationship. I feel like God keeps telling me that I need to leave through situations like this. I am so tired and I feel a lot better. Thank you again for helping me. I will see what I can find locally to help me through this. 

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I just remembered my school actually provides free counseling services. I didn't even think of it till just now. I have actually longed for someone to talk to. I am going to make an appointment. 

 

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I just remembered my school actually provides free counseling services. I didn't even think of it till just now. I have actually longed for someone to talk to. I am going to make an appointment. 

 

that's wonderful!!!! 

 

Hugs. I know how VERY hard it is to leave a relationship. I couldn't have done it without my therapist helping me talk everything through. 

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I just remembered my school actually provides free counseling services. I didn't even think of it till just now. I have actually longed for someone to talk to. I am going to make an appointment.

This sounds like an excellent place to start!

 

You do not have any reason to be ashamed. We make our choices in life one step at a time, and we never have all the information we might need. Sometimes we have to stop after walking down a certain path for awhile and reconsider based on what we now know--and then make course corrections.

 

As a Christian, you know that God expects us to do this very thing. That is why he made repentance and forgiveness part of His plan for us--because he knew there would be times when we would make mistakes and would need help to recover from them. He doesn't point a finger in shame at us when we mess up, he holds out his arms in love and offers us his help.

 

You can do this.

Edited by maize
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The truth is, I know in my heart I need to break up with him but I can't seem to do it. There are more issues honestly. It is hard to say that. When we have discussions, I often find myself questioning if I am crazy and I really am the one with the problem. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I keep trying, and I keep changing my mind. I think I am scared I will regret it deeply. I don't know if I can handle the pain of ending our relationship. 

 

Oh Honey. Kick him out and don't let him smooch his way back in. You'll regret marrying him more than you'll regret breaking up.

 

I will make time in my stupid life to make a quilt patch if that'll help. I don't know if anyone else will make you one, but you will get one from me.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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The truth is, I know in my heart I need to break up with him but I can't seem to do it. There are more issues honestly. It is hard to say that. When we have discussions, I often find myself questioning if I am crazy and I really am the one with the problem. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I keep trying, and I keep changing my mind. I think I am scared I will regret it deeply. I don't know if I can handle the pain of ending our relationship. 

 

How much will you regret your grown children refusing to speak to you because you put your boyfriend ahead of them?

 

How much will you regret having done it?

 

Can you handle THAT pain?

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The house is mine, so he will be the one to go. That is what stinks because it will take him time to find a place for himself and his son, and all the while I will have to be near him. When I am near him, I want him.

 

<snip>

 

The only counseling I know of around here is at my old church, and I couldn't go talk to them. I couldn't go tell them what is going on because I'd be too embarrassed. 

 

First part, could you stay with someone while he looks for a place?  Give him 30 days, in writing, and then he's homeless. 

 

Second part, as a Christian, you know that is your pride talking.  Embrace humility and get help.

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First part, could you stay with someone while he looks for a place?  Give him 30 days, in writing, and then he's homeless. 

 

No, she should not move out of her own house!

 

 

 

Second part, as a Christian, you know that is your pride talking.  Embrace humility and get help.

 

As you are Christian, this would be a good time for you to show compassion. There is a distinction between pride and shame and you oughtn't kick a girl when she's down.

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When we have discussions, I often find myself questioning if I am crazy and I really am the one with the problem.

And...there's the mother of all red flags. In your discussions, he somehow--either overtly or subtly--makes you think you're crazy and have problems, but you know that you don't. Classic signs of emotional abuse.

 

I'm glad to hear you're going to talk to someone. Don't change your mind about that. Honestly, it is sooo much better to be alone and even lonely, than with someone who makes you question your very sanity.

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Thank you. I didn't come here for this when I asked my question and honestly I was shocked when everyone started saying I was in a bad relationship. I feel like God keeps telling me that I need to leave through situations like this. I am so tired and I feel a lot better. Thank you again for helping me. I will see what I can find locally to help me through this. 

 

I was thinking, even before I read this post, that this thread took a turn that you couldn't have predicted. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Please do not feel shame and guilt. They come from the enemy. If you feel truly convicted in your heart about something, seek God's forgiveness, and He will give it to you immediately. Shame and guilt are condemnation and self torture. God does not want you to torture yourself!

 

I was briefly married before DH. I married despite giant, waving, crimson flags. I'm sorry you are in this place, but I'm glad that you are making the realization that you need to get out before it becomes infinitely more difficult to extricate yourself and your children.

 

I'm so glad your school offers counseling. They may also have legal or housing services. It would be a good idea for you to understand what rights, if any, this man has. Some states are very protective of tenants, others not at all.

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First part, could you stay with someone while he looks for a place? Give him 30 days, in writing, and then he's homeless.

 

Second part, as a Christian, you know that is your pride talking. Embrace humility and get help.

I am not a lawyer, but I would think leaving your place for him for a period of time might give him evidence to say he belongs there and yOu don't. Might want to speak to an attorney first.
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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Take this in steps.  Don't stress over the big picture right now.  Just take the first step.  Make that call to the counselor.  Talk to them.  Then take the next step, and the next.  But right now just focus on that first step.  Sometimes that is the hardest part.

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First part, could you stay with someone while he looks for a place?  Give him 30 days, in writing, and then he's homeless. 

 

<snip>

 

Oh, no, she should not abandon her home to him!   No no no!    

 

OP,  :grouphug:  :grouphug: .  I was kind of harsh on you before but after reading your followups...   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Yes, the Lord uses interesting ways of getting through to us.  This thread is evidence of that.  You can do this.  

Edited by marbel
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I haven't had any luck in this area either but a friend of mine who is one of the neatest people I know told me that she used to be a disgustingly messy person leaving food dishes and crumbs and dirty clothes and what have you all over her room. And then she moved to a basement bedroom. And then the bugs found her because of her habits. And she started being clean and kept at it and it stuck.

 

I keep dreaming of infesting DD's room with insects that are not allowed to roam throughout the rest of the house to see if that will motivate her to change her ways. But I have yet to find the right bugs for this project. However, I will say that as time goes on and she is getting older she is getting somewhat better about wanting her room to be neat (she still doesn't care about the rest of the house). I think that is due to the fact that she likes her room, she's been able to choose the paint colour, decor, furniture, accessories etc and she wants to be able to show it off to friends.

Sometimes, people change drastically because of a single event.

 

Until I was eleven years old, I had a very messy bedroom. A guest (a boy I was crushing on) came to our house and wanted to see some artowrk I had made. It was in my bedroom, half shoved under the bed with dirty clothes, dishes, and various bits of refuse all piled around. At that exact moment, I burned with shame that my bedroom looked this way. When he went home, I cleaned up my room and never reverted. By reputation, people know me as neat and organized. However, I do think that was the personality I was bound to have all along, this was just the catalyst event. Other people could have that same experience and still not have it ocurr to them that their room is a sty.

 

ETA: I'm leaving up this post, but I also now awkwardly realize this thread has strayed far from the original topic, so...sorry if this looks clunky and stupid now.

Edited by Quill
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If you need counseling resources beyond what your nursing school provides, check your health insurance provider list. Counseling is one of the specialties I can search for on mine and pulls up a long list of providers.

 

Also please remember that we are here for you. Quite a few women on this board have been through similar situations, but whether we have or not we are here to listen when you need to talk and to cheer you on when things are tough.

 

Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Edited by maize
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Oh, no, she should not abandon her home to him!   No no no!    

 

OP,  :grouphug:  :grouphug: .  I was kind of harsh on you before but after reading your followups...   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Yes, the Lord uses interesting ways of getting through to us.  This thread is evidence of that.  You can do this.  

 

I don't mean abandon her home.  I just mean stay somewhere else for her own sake, while he looks. 

 

And, like I said, give him his 30 day notice, in writing.

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I don't mean abandon her home. I just mean stay somewhere else for her own sake, while he looks.

 

And, like I said, give him his 30 day notice, in writing.

I'm not in the US, but that seems like granting him a lot of rights you don't want him to have...
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He's not being fair to you. You are "slipping" because you have so much going on. You do not have time to get on them constantly for this. The fair thing would be for him to cut you some slack and stop fretting over the messes.

Ok I haven't read all the posts yet but I had to stop right here and get something off my chest.

 

Michele, you are NOT "slipping." You are PRIORITIZING in a very busy and purposeful period in your life. I am AMAZED at what you are navigating right now, what I've learned from other threads. In the whole spectrum of things, having neat teens & tweens is So. Not. Priority.

 

Quit being hard on yourself over this by saying that you are slipping. You are a fantastic mom in all the important areas. Crumbs? Sloppiness? One day that will be important but today is not that day.

 

Ok now I will continue reading and if what I wrote above proves redundant, well there ya go.)

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Oh Honey. Kick him out and don't let him smooch his way back in. You'll regret marrying him more than you'll regret breaking up.

 

I will make time in my stupid life to make a quilt patch if that'll help. I don't know if anyone else will make you one, but you will get one from me.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I would make you one!

 

Now I've read through. Hugs to you Michelle, you are in a complicated position. I am glad you are going to pursue counseling opportunities through the nursing school. Do not alienate your kids over this man. Just don't do that.

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I love you guys! Seriously!!! Thank you for your thoughts. They help more than you know. It has validated what I knew to be true even though he made me doubt myself. I'll give you an update in the near future as I work through this. 

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I don't mean abandon her home. I just mean stay somewhere else for her own sake, while he looks.

 

And, like I said, give him his 30 day notice, in writing.

I understand why you are saying this but this course of action seems a really bad idea. The home belongs to her but they are living together. If she is the one that moves out that puts him with a lot of control of what is probably her greatest financial asset. I would not recommend that course of action unless OP and her children were in imminent physical danger and there was no other way to protect them. It doesn't sound like that is the case.

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I agree that moving out could have negative consequences for OP. And if the fiancé shows any reluctance to move out himself she may need to consult an attorney.

 

Hopefully it does not come to that.

Edited by maize

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I don't mean abandon her home.  I just mean stay somewhere else for her own sake, while he looks. 

 

And, like I said, give him his 30 day notice, in writing.

 

Right, she would not be abandoning her home in the sense of walking away from it altogether (not paying mortgage, etc).  But she would be leaving him in control of it and it could very well be made to look as if she intended for him to stay there, if he is the kind of person who might take advantage of that (and has a lawyer who could help him).  I don't know that even a 30-day eviction notice would help.   Or, he might be angry and decide to trash the place during those 30 days.  (I hope she is not living with someone like that, but you never know how something will affect people.)  

 

I'm not a lawyer but everything I've ever read about leaving a spouse or significant other screams "don't move out and leave him there."    

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No, I would not suggest leaving the house. He can get squatter's rights.

 

Back to the original question--the only way any of my kids became neatniks was to join the military...  :laugh:

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"Possession is 9/10 of the law" is a common saying for good reason.

 

Op, hugs. It sounds like you have a way forward. It's hard to unhitch your pony from someone cart :( but you absolutely can do it.

Edited by OKBud
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My mum prioritised bad men over her children. It is a symptom of something she needs help with but it makes her unsafe for me, emotionally. I have moved on from the pain of the bad stepfather, the pain of a broken relationship with my mother lingers.

 

Please, I'm nearly in tears for you, it sounds so so hard but your children will bless you for fighting for them.

 

Hugs and prayers

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Oh , I know this story. This is the one where stepchild can do no right. Even when she changes A why there's still B, C,D, and indeed a whole alphabet that's wrong with her. Where does all of the hatred, faultfinding, and negativity go when stepchild grows up and leaves? Why that lands straight on mom. And mom spends 20+ years in a joy-less, soul sucking, life draining marriage. It does have a happy ending though when mom, in a moment of clarity, breaks free and ends the relationship. I can't recommend this story, as it's not worth the read.

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And do ask your therapist at school if there is anything available for your kids...they probably need to talk to someone too to process all this, or will need to. They pick up their relationship habits from you, and you don't want the cycle continuing. Heck, you probably learned it somewhere when you were younger. Best to let them talk about this, with you or a therapist, now, so they don't make the same mistakes. I don't mean to say you are bad, or doing bad things, but that certain kinds of men seek out women who are nice, loving, hate confrontation, etc etc and prey on them. Counseling can help your kids process what good and bad relationships look like. 

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