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Those who have changed their kids from slobs to neat...


Michelle My Bell
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Tell me how you changed them. It is a very serious issue in my house. My kids (ages 10 boy ,13 girl, 16 girl) are great kids. Sweet and loving... BUT they are slobs. They have chores that they reluctantly do, BUT that is all they do. If they make food, they leave their crumbs, dishes, whatever right where they fall. If there is something laying in the middle of the floor, they will step over it rather than pick it up. They clean their rooms weekly, but in between they let whatever falls stay where it lands.

 

I need a plan. This has to stop. I need a surefire way to change this behavior. I am willing to do whatever it takes. I need to help them change their attitudes and change their slobbish ways. 

 

I am looking for tried and true help here. Any advice?

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It seems to work in the opposite direction in our house.  Most of our kids were super neat and tidy when they were young.  They were great helpers who happily wiped the table or made their beds.  Something seems to happen at about 14 years old and even the one who used to organize her shirts in her drawers by "filing" them has turned into a super messy kid. So strange!!

 

When you figure it out, let me know!!

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I don't think anyone has ever successfully changed another person's personality like that. It's hard enough to change your own. You sound like a naturally organized person who is in the habit of KEEPING things neat. Some people naturally fall into the pile-up-then-dig-out mentality.

 

I think you CAN have and enforce very clear rules, but you'd have to oversee that until the habit is formed. For example, a rule could be 'No eating the sandwich until the evidence of it's making is cleared." This is an excellent habit, but your kids would have to get used to cleaning everything up BEFORE taking the first bite. You would have to enforce the rule until it becomes a physical habit and those take time to develop. For the rooms, you'd have to enforce e a daily pick-up in between weekly cleanings. Doing it early in the day before everyone is cranky is probably best. It could be a 5 minute deal between math and lunch, but, again, YOU have to be the person who consistently remembers to enforce it until muscle memory kicks in. "I told you. Why can't you listen?" helps nobody. It is absolutely reasonable for the process to take a whole month (or more) of daily reinforcement.

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I haven't had any luck in this area either but a friend of mine who is one of the neatest people I know told me that she used to be a disgustingly messy person leaving food dishes and crumbs and dirty clothes and what have you all over her room.  And then she moved to a basement bedroom.  And then the bugs found her because of her habits.  And she started being clean and kept at it and it stuck.  

 

I keep dreaming of infesting DD's room with insects that are not allowed to roam throughout the rest of the house to see if that will motivate her to change her ways.  But I have yet to find the right bugs for this project.  However, I will say that as time goes on and she is getting older she is getting somewhat better about wanting her room to be neat (she still doesn't care about the rest of the house).  I think that is due to the fact that she likes her room, she's been able to choose the paint colour, decor, furniture, accessories etc and she wants to be able to show it off to friends.

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My only method of attack has been to police the areas.  After a child is done in the kitchen, I call them back to clean it.  After the bathroom is left a mess, I call them back to clean it.  If said child is babysitting so I can have an evening out, I come home after bedtime to a mess, I wake child up to clean it.    It has cut down the amount of mess considerably.

 

 

Also, I don't think it's teaching good habits to clean up after oneself weekly.  Daily I expect my children to tidy their rooms and bathroom, pick up their things from common areas, and do other minor chores (one sweeps under the table and wipes crumbs, the other does dishes, takes out the trash, and mows lawn).  The weekly personal chores they have are things that don't need to be done every day: dusting, vacuuming, changing sheets.  I can imagine how it would look if I expected a full clean once a week and not a daily habit of cleaning as they go.

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Building on KungFu Panda's response, once a file had been established be sure to follow it through. So if you come into the kitchen and notice a mess, have the offender dip what they are doing and come clean it up.

 

Try implementing one rule at a time so no one is overwhelmed. Pick the thing or area that most bothers you.

 

I feel like I can be more picky about conditions in shared areas than in their rooms and my requirements and reinforcement level reflects that.

 

Looking around at the state of the rooms I can see, I feel the need to say that much of what I'm writing here is excellent THEORY.

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My kids are pretty sloppy but so is their dad.  It's hard.  

 

Mainly I've resorted to leaving them to have their rooms as messy as they want but expecting daily maintenance in the bathrooms and other common areas.   But they still slip.  Lately my son has been waling away from the table after he eats breakfast or lunch (we don't always eat these meals together) and leaving his plate/bowl/whatever.  I've called him back a few times to deal with it.  But, if a kid is stressed out, like having to study for a big test they don't feel ready for, I will cut some slack.  I've found that they notice and appreciate that, so they become more willing to do more when I ask.

 

I was surprised by a pp saying she would wake a child up to clean up a mess.  Sometimes I leave the kitchen messy at the end of the night, and boy would I be mad if my husband woke me up and pointed out that I'd failed to clean.   I might wake a kid up early to get some leftover cleaning done, but wake up a kid at night?  Whoa.  

Edited by marbel
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One thing that I do to keep my "slobs" from ruining the whole house is a fifteen minute pickup before we moved on to the next thing. For instance if I came home and the house was messy I'd give everyone a job that would take a few minutes and no one would do anything else till their job was done.

 

My children were tidy when they were small but all are slobs now. It causes me to lose it when I'm too tired to pick up after the one living at home but she has left a mess and is not gone. I do have to give her "jobs" until the mess is done. 

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I have one room that I decided has to be clean and tidy space all the time.  It's our living room.  No eating, no toys, no schoolbooks.  Now that we have that established everyone loves it.  It's the adults room to relax and we have family time/prayers in there as well.  

I have my big kids share kitchen duty every afternoon.  Unload and load dishes is minimum, and sometimes i ask them to take out trash and wipe down, but sometimes I do it.  

I started having Sat mornings as clean your room.  I make a checklist.  Bring down laundry, put everything away (I also provided a slop basket and they can just throw stuff in it during the week if they want), dust, vacuum, mop (swiffer so it's easy).  

I have one room that i decided can be a disaster.  Our sunroom.  I pick up once a week, they help throw things in baskets when I ask during the week.  

They were about 12 before they could do the bedroom part alone, before that I had to sit in there with them and point to things and honestly that was just too much for me at the time so I let it slide and shut the door.  

Our little guy puts away toys sometimes and sometimes puts away silverware.

We all struggle with staying on top of it and it would be too much stress if I felt the whole house had to be perfect so this works for us right now.  

 

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My biggest problem is time to monitor them. I am in school full time and study a lot of the time outside of that. My fiance has a real issue with it and it is causing problems as he is a neat freak. I need to do something drastic.

If your fiancĂƒÂ© is going to marry a woman with a bunch of kids, he, as an adult, needs to adjust his expectations to align with kid realities.

 

I wouldn't either put this on the kids' shoulders or assume the responsibility yourself for making them meet his expectations. That just doesn't sound like a good relationship dynamic.

 

I'd get to counseling together with him to talk about realities and expectations and the need for everyone including the kids to have some room to be individuals without needing to tailor their behavior to meet his expectations

 

Of course you can work on neatness and order with the kids, but "it's causing problems with my neat freak fiancĂƒÂ©" does not sound like a good reason and sets off warning bells in my mind.

Edited by maize
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If your fiancĂƒÂ© is going to marry a woman with a bunch of kids, he, as an adult, needs to adjust his expectations to align with kid realities.

 

I wouldn't either put this on the kids' shoulders or assume the responsibility yourself for making them meet his expectations. That just doesn't sound like a good relationship dynamic.

 

I'd get to counseling together with him to talk about realities and expectations and the need for everyone including the kids to have some room to be individuals without needing to tailor their behavior to meet his expectations

 

Of course you can work on neatness and order with the kids, but "it's causing problems with my neat freak fiancĂƒÂ©" does not sound like a good reason and sets off warning bells in my mind.

 

I agree, but the reality is, my kids are slobs and I want them to change their ways also. I just don't get as bothered by it as he does. 

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I agree, but the reality is, my kids are slobs and I want them to change their ways also. I just don't get as bothered by it as he does. 

 

So you feel you need to do "something drastic" to change your children because your fiance is bothered by it and you don't want him to break up with you?    Do you know how awful that sounds?  Doesn't sound like a good way to start building a new family unit. 

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The big change started when a girlfriend came over to the house and laid into them. She caught them in their room (which was awful) and read them the riot act. She wasn't mean or scary.

 

Hi if your reading this  :seeya: !! Thank you J. :)

 

After that, I worked hard on decluttering and making a place for everything. I pointed out how relaxing a clean room was a lot. I'd say things like "Isn't it the best to get into a crisp cozy bed at the end of the day?" as I tucked them in at night. I had to train them to value it. I worked on making their room a wonderful place to be. The bedding is yummy, the decorating and furniture is eye pleasing. They matured and started to prefer how good it feels to live in a beautiful, clean environment. 

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I was surprised by a pp saying she would wake a child up to clean up a mess.  Sometimes I leave the kitchen messy at the end of the night, and boy would I be mad if my husband woke me up and pointed out that I'd failed to clean.   I might wake a kid up early to get some leftover cleaning done, but wake up a kid at night?  Whoa.  

 

I've had to do it twice in 17 years.  I think that's a pretty good idea of how well it works.

 

FWIW, I do not have a teacher/student relationship with *my* husband and fail to see the comparison. My job is to train my kids in good habits so when they're on their own, they have basic hygiene understood.  I also do crazy things to my kids that I wouldn't do to my husband like give them an allowance, curtail the junk food, buy their socks and underwear, and so on.  Nor does my husband treat me the same as my kids.

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I was surprised by a pp saying she would wake a child up to clean up a mess.  Sometimes I leave the kitchen messy at the end of the night, and boy would I be mad if my husband woke me up and pointed out that I'd failed to clean.   I might wake a kid up early to get some leftover cleaning done, but wake up a kid at night?  Whoa.  

 

That and my kids often go to bed later than I do!

 

And if I don't model this behavior of cleaning up entirely before bed (I don't always) then I guess it's a do as I say and not as I do thing.

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What worked for me:

 

1.  Making it a POSITIVE thing you all do together.

2.  Start small, picking one thing you want changed, "training" your kids IN A POSITIVE WAY on how to do it even if they should know, and providing a lot of consistency and scaffolding so the new habit becomes more automatic over time.

3.  Making this a positive change for the whole family, not a failure you see in the kids, including encouragement and support and grace when things aren't always as you would wish.

4.  Accepting that changing habits, especially if being neat and organized is not natural to someone, is probably a life time challenge.  Trying to create change with older children won't be easy.  Creating new habits takes a lot of time.  Previously created brain pathways are going to have to be overwritten, new muscle memory created, etc.  This is not easy and it takes time.  The older you start, the harder it will be.

5.  Being VERY, VERY, VERY consistent and CLEAR on expectations ahead of time (not nagging after the fact).  This includes being consistent with expectations for yourself.  For instance, if you make a new rule that all of you need to put up your shoes in your closets, you don't give yourself a pass because you are tired.  They are probably tired, too.

 

 

And whatever you do, unless you want to create MASSIVE resentment between your kids and your fiance, do NOT make this a "You need to change because of my fiance" scenario.  Even if you don't say it out loud, they will pick up on it.  (And although you didn't ask, frankly, if your fiance is such a neat nik that you are worried he will break up with you because your children are not super clean, I would be questioning how healthy his obsession with cleanliness is and how healthy it will be for your children to be around him consistently. )

 

Good luck

Edited by OneStepAtATime
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So you feel you need to do "something drastic" to change your children because your fiance is bothered by it and you don't want him to break up with you?    Do you know how awful that sounds?  Doesn't sound like a good way to start building a new family unit. 

 

No, I am not worried about him breaking up with me. I am worried that if the stress of the situation doesn't quit, I am going to break up with him. I feel like I have let my kids slip with all I have going on (nursing school) and they do leave messes everywhere. 

 

Also, we had a long talk and he said he is going to stop saying things to them. I am going to work on improving their habits in the meantime. 

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No, I am not worried about him breaking up with me. I am worried that if the stress of the situation doesn't quit, I am going to break up with him. I feel like I have let my kids slip with all I have going on (nursing school) and they do leave messes everywhere. 

 

Also, we had a long talk and he said he is going to stop saying things to them. I am going to work on improving their habits in the meantime. 

 

He's not being fair to you.  You are "slipping" because you have so much going on.  You do not have time to get on them constantly for this.  The fair thing would be for him to cut you some slack and stop fretting over the messes. 

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Try sitting down with your kids (without your fiance) and ask them to brainstorm with you on ways that ALL of you can better function to keep the house clean.  Work on a plan that you can all function within and recognize that it will take time, support, and consistency to implement.  Write it down and have everyone sign it.  Work as a team to create that plan.  Listen to them.  If they have concerns or complaints, listen.  Take into account their own stressers and frustrations.  You are not dealing with littles anymore.  You are going to need buy-in.  

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Well, I wasn't sure the other stuff was a red flag, but that sure is. 

 

Michelle, is everything okay? Are you staying with him because you want to, or because you have to?

 

 

It is just hard. I am with him because I want to be, but part of me wants to end it. We have been together for two years and there is a lot I love about him. As is the case with a lot of divorced people, they get along but not always with the kids. He has issues with my kids and I have issues with two of his kids. (He also has 5). He lives with me and I let his 16 year old son move in 2 months ago so he could live in my school district. I love his son. He is kind, respectful and just a great kid. He is doing great here also. His GPA since moving in went from 2.0 to a 4.0 and even though he has played football for a couple years, he scored his first touchdown while living here and several more since then. 

 

His other son is another story. He is 11 and super disrespectful.  All he does is play on his Nintendo DS all day and sometimes all night. He thinks he is a genius and disobeys his dad and me all the time. (Although he gets away with less with me.) Thank goodness he doesn't live here although he does come over everyother weekend and every Wed. What makes it very difficult is my fiance will have issues with my kids and will chew them out, but his own son exhibits behavior a lot worse and he barely says anything ever. He literally harps on my kids all the time. I know I should end it, but outside of that I am pretty happy with him. That is why it is hard. 

 

His other kid that I have issue with is actually 19 years old. She is a trainwreck and I feel like it adds a lot of stress to our relationship. She calls him all the time and he bends over backwards to help her even though she won't help herself. Its frustrating. I try to stay out of it. I have even tried to help the situation. But he knows I don't agree with her life choices and he has issues with me for that. 

 

I guess part of me also feels like my life will be even harder if he isn't in it. Since I am in nursing school, I am not currently working and he does help me pay my bills. BUT if I have to, I will get a job and work. I currently survive on child support and an ebay business. 

 

And finally, I was married for 17 years. When we got divorced, I stayed single, not even looking to date for 3 years. I have always focused on my kids. Then I met my fiance and we started dating, eventually moving in together. (Not something I would ever do again. I don't know what I was thinking.) It was fine for awhile but things changed and my life got more complicated with nursing school. 

 

There is a lot more but, reality is I would miss him so much if he and I broke up. I know he doesn't want that either. He is just a difficult person sometimes. 

Edited by Michelle My Bell
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Michelle, have the two of you been to counseling together yet?

 

I think that may be where you need to start. Make a regular appointment and go every week. It might take a few tries to find a counselor who is a good fit, but it would be worthwhile.

 

If your fiancĂƒÂ© is not willing to do counseling with you, you need out of the relationship now. I think you both need professional guidance to navigate a situation as complex as the one you face. If this guy is worth your time and energy he will be willing to invest what it takes to get you and your families moving in a more healthy direction.

 

The children's slobbishness is not a core problem here. I think you know that.

Edited by maize
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Dear Michelle,

 

I sincerely hope that the two of you will run, not walk, into counseling of some sort.  At the very least, you have some issues between you that will create far greater drama if left unresolved than your children's failure to pick up after themselves.

 

Sending Hugs for your difficult situation,

 

anne

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Yeah, TONS of red flags there. You need to go to counseling. With or without him. Nursing school or not, make time. Did you go to counseling after your divorce, or before it? It's very easy to repeat (or come up with new) mistakes with a new relationship if you haven't learned how to deal with whatever baggage you bring to the table. 

 

You should not be living with and planning to marry a man that even a small part of you thinks is a poor choice. You did that before, don't do it again. 

 

 

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My biggest problem is time to monitor them. I am in school full time and study a lot of the time outside of that. My fiance has a real issue with it and it is causing problems as he is a neat freak. I need to do something drastic. 

 

As a professional step child allow me to assure you that changing the household standards to comply with mom's boyfriend's wishes is a sure way to make sure the kids hate the guy.  This is an escalating thing and the adults will lose.

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I agree, but the reality is, my kids are slobs and I want them to change their ways also. I just don't get as bothered by it as he does. 

 

Oh, man, if you are about ready to break up over this, for heaven's sake don't marry him.  He's already as good as gone.  And once the guy is gone you will be alone with your (rightfully) resentful children.

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Yes, but it has caused A LOT of issues and I cannot take it anymore. We are on the verge of breaking up over it.

 

Hugs. Big hugs... I read the rest of your responses after this one.

 

Almost everyone can improve housekeeping, it sounds like that's something that needs to be worked on with our without the fiancĂƒÂ©, and whether or not it bothered him. Start small, in an important area, and work on one skill or chore/project at a time.

 

I understand the need for sharing usehold expenses. But keep in mind, moving out and breaking up don't have to both happen. Perhaps you'd both be happier if you continued to date, put wedding plans on hold, and see how things go until all or most of your children are more settled or on their own.

 

Good luck!

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Dear Michelle,

 

I sincerely hope that the two of you will run, not walk, into counseling of some sort.  At the very least, you have some issues between you that will create far greater drama if left unresolved than your children's failure to pick up after themselves.

 

Sending Hugs for your difficult situation,

 

anne

 

I have actually asked him to do this before and he refused. 

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Is it possible that the kids are being messy (or messier than before) on purpose in order to sabotage the relationship?  I am the child of divorce and remarriage.  My mom has told me several times that she regrets getting remarried.  She and my step-dad are doing OK now, but there were some really rough years.  If my sister and I had been older when she was dating, I can totally see up trying to sink the ship.

 

I agree with the counselling suggestions.  I also get how overwhelmed you must be right now.  I don't really have any advice, but I'm sending extra hugs.

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The truth is, I know in my heart I need to break up with him but I can't seem to do it. There are more issues honestly. It is hard to say that. When we have discussions, I often find myself questioning if I am crazy and I really am the one with the problem. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I keep trying, and I keep changing my mind. I think I am scared I will regret it deeply. I don't know if I can handle the pain of ending our relationship. 

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The truth is, I know in my heart I need to break up with him but I can't seem to do it. There are more issues honestly. It is hard to say that. When we have discussions, I often find myself questioning if I am crazy and I really am the one with the problem. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I keep trying, and I keep changing my mind. I think I am scared I will regret it deeply. I don't know if I can handle the pain of ending our relationship. 

 

forget couples counseling, you need counseling. Today. ASAP. 

 

Honey, you aren't just exposing yourself to a bad relationship, you are exposing your children to this. Do you want this to be what they think of as normal? You are setting the example. 

 

Find a counselor, and maybe do some family counseling with you and your kids together, to heal from this. And get out. Either he isn't right for you, or, you aren't ready for this relationship. Either way, you ARE strong enough to handle it. You have to be. 

 

Get whatever help you need, and do what's right for you and your kids. 

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I have actually asked him to do this before and he refused.

Speaking gently, Michelle, this needs to be your line in the sand.

 

Either he willingly and sincerely engages in counseling with you, or the relationship ends. I cannot hear anything in what you have written about this relationship that sounds healthy and supportive. You are failing to see the forest for the trees--stressing about what you can do to make your children into different people so that a dysfunctional relationship between adults can keep limping along.

 

I understand what you are saying about it being complicated to end a relationship that will involve separating a combined household. It does not sound to me though that you are finding happiness and fulfillment and support in this relationship--rather it sounds like you are trying to twist yourself and your children into pretzels to keep things running smoothly and to not rock the boat.

 

The sailing is not going to get smoother unless your fiancĂƒÂ© engages honestly in the work that needs to be done to make it smoother. This is not something you can do alone.

 

I think it is ultimatum time.

Edited by maize
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You can handle it. It will be hard, but then it will be better. Do you have a trusted friend or family member who can help you start making some plans? Leaving isn't simple, but if you can plan financial and logistical things, it will be easier.

 

I sense the hurt and the feelings of being overwhelmed. I wish I could give you a hug.

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The truth is, I know in my heart I need to break up with him but I can't seem to do it. There are more issues honestly. It is hard to say that. When we have discussions, I often find myself questioning if I am crazy and I really am the one with the problem. I don't know why I can't just walk away from him. I keep trying, and I keep changing my mind. I think I am scared I will regret it deeply. I don't know if I can handle the pain of ending our relationship.

OK, after reading this post I agree with ktgrok--you need to get a personal therapist ASAP.

 

You're caught in a trap, and you need help getting out of it. That doesn't mean you are a weak or foolish person--it means you have been injured in a way that makes it almost impossible to free yourself without help.

 

Go get help. For your own sake and for that of your children.

 

And get out of that relationship.

 

Sending many hugs.

Edited by maize
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