Advice our parents gave us...that we eventually disregarded.

[J-rap]

First, I need to say that I think my parents were great!  I love them dearly and feel really lucky that they were my parents.  

 

But they have always told me that in difficult times, "You need to be the strong one."  

 

Sure, there's good in that.  I like being a model of strength and optimism for my kids.  But I've learned that showing my weaknesses, fears, and insecurities was actually okay, and it showed my kids that I'm human after all.  That was a big thing for me to learn.   :)

[Anne in CA]

My parents are not wise by any stretch, so when I catch myself using their "wisdom" I get a little worried, lol. 

 

Trusted advice came from ministers, teachers and other as I grew older. I had lots of wisdom, but some of it has to be discarded. Many of those people gave blanket advice that just wasn't appropriate for every situation. 

[mamiof5]

Way too much to post. I love my mom dearly, but if I had followed her advice on quite a few things I'd probably not be married and have the family I have

[rose]

My Dad told me one day when I busted him running a stop sign, "if a rule's bad don't obey it." Yeah, that's pretty crummy advise!

[Tanaqui]

My Dad told me one day when I busted him running a stop sign, "if a rule's bad don't obey it." Yeah, that's pretty crummy advise!

 

Well, not in all contexts, but I think the law about stop signs is not a bad rule!

 

[Tap]

My parents were anti debt. I held to that idea and since I couldn't pay cash for college, I didnt go.

 

Over my life I have realized that debt properly managed, is a source of power, not weakness.

[SKL]

"You'll never be debt free, so don't bother trying."

 

"Don't bother trying to potty train before age 2."

 

"Smile at people."  [Good advice, but I had a hard time following it as I was super self-conscious.]  Also, "wear a little make-up."

 

"Quit that job."  [i eventually did, after a whole lotta suffering.]

[Lecka]

My mom thought I should go to law school. I took one pre-law class at college and realized it was not a good fit for me (I think very realistically), but she thought it would be perfect for me for a long time.

 

Otherwise I think I have taken all advice from my mom and step-dad, though a lot is more talking through options than being directly given advice.

[eternalsummer]

My parents were from a different generation (well, whose parents aren't?) and my dad liked to say, "walk beside, not behind" - by which he meant, I guess, make all decisions with your spouse together, don't give up power in any area, etc.  Sometimes the path is too narrow for two people to walk abreast, though, and someone has to lead while the other follows.

[Carrie12345]

My mom has never really been one to give advice.  I think the closest she's done is to send me recipe suggestions.

[DawnM]

Hmmmm......I can't think of anything really.  They are uber conservative religiously and parenting wise, so their unspoken advice is to discipline rather harshly and go to the church every time the church doors open, etc......it was SO freeing to realize as an adult that God doesn't tally up your church visit times against the amount of days the church doors are open.  

 

It was also wonderful to realize that I didn't have to discipline harshly to get good results and good kids.  In fact, quite the opposite is true and I think I have a better relationship with my kids than they do with me.  My kids aren't grown and gone yet, so I can't fully judge.

 

But my mother is mentally ill, so that may play a part as well.

[Angie in VA]

My mom wondered aloud if I wouldn't homeschool. DD (2-3 at the time) was a bit strong-willed, so I disregarded that quickly. And then the time for her to go kindergarten was nearing....

 

DD's first day of school was at college. I was many miles away and was so nervous, lol. 

[Night Elf]

My mom thought she was giving me excellent financial advice to use credit to get anything I wanted. You can be enjoying it while you're paying for it. I ended up several thousand dollars in debt by age 19. It wasn't until my late 20's when I realized that was not good financial sense.

[creekland]

Wisdom I don't follow from my dad:

 

The gov't is out to get you.

 

Everyone else is out to get you.

 

Everything, including top sporting events and the lottery, etc, is rigged.

 

Conspiracy theories rule.

 

He's also a Hoarder, so I don't follow his cleaning (or lack thereof) rules, but I don't go overboard on the other side either.

 

------------------

 

Wisdom I don't follow from my mom:

 

Pretty much anything related to diet - though she might be changing now that she's just had her first heart issue.

 

Casinos are loads of fun.

 

Traveling is more fun when you're being pampered and catered to.

[Penguin]

The notion that traveling is, at best, a waste of time and money.

Edited October 18, 2016 by Penguin

[Zinnia]

My parents were anti debt. I held to that idea and since I couldn't pay cash for college, I didnt go.

 

Over my life I have realized that debt properly managed, is a source of power, not weakness.

 

And my parents thought debt was a necessary part of life, certainly for education, houses, cars, and large purchases.  Dh's parents felt similarly.  We got married with $200,000 in debt that we're still struggling to pay off 15 years later (close!  close!).  We are not ones for debt, if there is any, any, any alternative.  :)

[MyLittleBears]

We got a new minivan when we had ds # 3. My mom told me not to let the kids eat in the car so that it would stay clean. I said, "yeah, ok"  :glare: And thought to myself, I have a toddler, a preschooler and an infant that will be impossible!

 

 

ETA: I also remember my dad warning me about dating an "older"man when I met dh.( dh is 10 years older) He thought he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Then they met him and loved him almost instantly. It was funny to see the complete turn-around.

Edited October 18, 2016 by MyLittleBears

[Farrar]

It took me a long time to learn that my mother's wisdom of be confrontational and fight for what you need and hash out all your problems is good for *some* situations and terrible for others. The wisdom is really knowing when to be confrontational or hash everything out and when to let things go or change the dynamic another way and that's something she often lacks.

[hjffkj]

I can recall my parents ever really giving me advice. They are more lead by example people. I guess the closest thing to advice my mom ever gave me that I completely disregarded was to be careful with regards to my friendship to dh. She was convinced we were falling in love, although I viewed it as strictly a friendship and a line I wouldn't cross. She was worried because he was going through a divorce when we became friends and thought only bad things could come from our blossoming friendship. Well she was right that we both had deeper feelings than we thought. But she was very wrong about only bad things coming from it. She only voiced that concern once. The minute I actually started a relationship with him I'm sure she quietly worried but she didn't meddle.

[thessa516]

"Don't hold your baby so much. You'll spoil him/her."

 

Yeah, as soon as I got that little piece of advice, I rejected it.

[OneStepAtATime]

Adore my mother but she is non confrontational and hates imposing her will on anyone. There were times I should have been doing things and didn't because I knew she wouldn't push it. With my own kids she tried to convince me not to "make" them do something they didn't want to do. I had to realize that as the parent there are times I need to get my child to do things they may not want to do and that doesn't mean it is a bad thing. I can see the bigger picture.

 

For instance, DD had withdrawn from all activities. She was lonely. I made her go try out a drama class. Mom was horrified that I made her go. DD grumbled the entire drive there. However, DD thrived in that class and 5 years later is the stage manager. She has gained a ton of confidence, is a good public speaker and has made some great friends. The director adores her. DD thanks me often for making her go. Sometimes kids need a bit of a loving push.

Edited October 18, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Mom-ninja.]

From my mother, "Ladies do not run and sweat, nor do they play sports. It's unbecoming to see a lady playing with a ball." 

 

Um, yeah. Now that I no longer have to do what she tells me I turned into an athlete. 

 

From my mother, "Don't be too smart around men. You have to play dumb a little. Men love to feel smarter and it makes them feel manly."

 

Snort. I never listened to this one. I was not going to dumb down to get some guy to like me. In fact, I'm pretty sure that my husband is glad that I can hold my own. 

 

 

[FaithManor]

From my male dna contributor:

 

All statements related to politics. He has been dead wrong his entire life because he believes in the wildest conspiracy theories.

 

Hoarding MASS supplies for the apocalypse. If it happens, I think I'd maybe not want to survive. But, yes, I'll put away enough to weather our ice storms and blizzards, or the occasional prolonged power outage.

 

Dietary advice. Health advice. He is such a sucker for every kind of fad there is. He's spent many thousands on everything from Shaklee shakes (his big thing when I was a teen), bee pollen, essiac tea, essential oils, weird food combinations, bizarrely over priced vitamins, you name it. Never did him a bit of good but every time he latches onto something new, he starts preaching at the rest of us and gets mad as a hornet's nest being poked with a stick that we aren't all jumping on board. At this point he is convinced he can cure his stage four lung cancer caused by benzene, jet fuel, and asbestos exposure by eating salads and flax seed oil. No joke. He is horrible to my brother and I because we aren't also eating "his way". Sigh.....And he spends $800.00 of their combined 1750.00 in social security on "curing his cancer". My mom is not eating enough, and I just caught her not filling her prescription for her diabetes meds because of his expenditures. That said, if she continues to eat so very little, she probably won't need them. I don't think it is possible to run high as a type 2 diabetic on the maybe 500-600 calories a day she eats of vegetables with a tiny bit of chicken or fish.

 

Money advice of any kind. He has always been about as poor with money making decisions as one could imagine of someone who managed to keep a heating/cooling business open for 37 years. But, it was never successful - always just barely holding on - again because of stupid decisions, and he is such a narcissist that he wouldn't take advice from anyone. 

 

The ONLY advice we have ever followed with him is car advice, and heating advice. He was great with cars, new them inside and out, could tell from any noise what was wrong with them, and new the reasonable price for work done on them so consulting with him saved us a lot of money, plus there were many repairs we could pay him to do which gave them some extra money here and there which was much needed. The man does know how to efficiently heat a home. He's got that down to a science. So when we renovated this place and had to put in a new heating system, we hired him for the job. Oh wait, camping and fishing. The man was a masterful camper and fisherman, and when we would get away from life and do those things, he relaxed a lot and became nice to be around. The kids all caught their first fish with him, and if he gave you advice about a tent or other piece of camping/fishing equipment, you followed it because you would get long lasting quality from his recommendations.

 

As for mom, she is a quiet soul, and not prone to being much for giving advice except in areas she feels very, very comfortable with which would be sewing/apparel design and alterations, cooking, and catering. In these areas, she is an absolute master. She designed and made my wedding dress, and even to this very day, there is not a thing I would change about it. Probably the only thing opinion she has ever proffered that we openly rejected was when she really wanted us to put the kids in a truly crappy, private school here that her church ran. We refused and made it known that it was non negotiable, don't bring it up again. She dropped it.

[Angie in VA]

My mom wondered aloud if I wouldn't homeschool. DD (2-3 at the time) was a bit strong-willed, so I disregarded that quickly. And then the time for her to go kindergarten was nearing....

 

DD's first day of school was at college. I was many miles away and was so nervous, lol. 

 

Reading more posts reminded me of two gems my mother told me. One was when I had graduated college and was looking for my first job. I considered one kind of far away from where I grew up. I was excited, but a little scared about starting off in a new place. Mom said there were perks to working somewhere where you weren't know as So And So's dd, friend, girlfriend, etc. She was being subtle, and I know she wanted me to be closer to home, but this gave me the little bump I needed to go for it. It worked out well. 

 

Years later when I was miserable at a my job and didn't get the transfer I put in for, I considered quitting. DH was totally on board, but I felt so guilty that I wanted to leave the profession I'd gone to college for. So, I called Mom. She quickly shot down my negative thoughts and reminded me that I went to college to get an education, not to be pigeonholed into one job. I soooo needed that. 

 

I miss my mom. :(

 

ETA: Sorry, neither of my posts has anything to do w/ the subject of this thread. In my first post I immediately rejected Mom's idea, but eventually did homeschool. 

 

My second post? I was reminded of some good memories and it was therapeutic to post about them. I've never been accused of staying on topic, lol. 

Edited October 18, 2016 by Angie in VA

[TranquilMind]

My parents were incredible, especially my mom. Not all dad's fault - he was shot in the head on Normandy and had shrapnel in his head.  Mom excused everything on that basis.  Incredibly forgiving, wise woman.

 

Now that I think about it, she never really gave much verbal advice at all.  I can't even remember any.  I should have been more like that and I disregarded that because I am very different and wanted to tell them everything I could while I was still here.  

 

She lived it though.  She always turned the other cheek.  She forgave the unforgivable.  She always knew the right thing to say or do.  She lived her faith;  she didn't just talk about it. 

She was incredible.   

 

I just remembered the only advice I think I got:  "Mom, how do you KNOW you have met the right one.?"

 

"You just know."  Not extremely helpful at the time, but she was right.  Oh, and once she found a water problem a house inspector had missed and told me about it. 

Edited October 18, 2016 by TranquilMind

[73349]

I wasn't listening. I think I was exactly the sort of kid parents are warned about--not listening to what you say, but watching and evaluating what you do.

[lynn]

My mom was good at not giving unsolicited advice. I however learned a lot from her mistakes in handling certain situations. I knew what I was not going to do if the same thing came up in my life.

[DesertBlossom]

Maybe it was because I was #6, but besides an emphasis on going to college, I don't remember any specific advice.

 

However when I went away to college by oldest brother told me not to date anyone that wasn't a junior or senior and majoring in engineering or math. I met and married DH before he even started college and he majored in education. 😆 But he is such a good man and I could not have picked anyone better for me.

[trulycrabby]

"Give that colicky baby some paregoric!"

 

No mom, we'll pass on that one. :)

 

Paregoric is an opium tincture and was commonly given to colicky babies up until the late 60's.

[Alicia64]

From my dad: never buy American cars. (I was so afraid of him that when dh and I bought a Dodge Grand Caravan back in '03, I was terrified to tell him).

 

Clearly it was way past time to grow up.

 

Alley

[Joyofsixreboot]

My parents were wise and didn't really give advice but I internalized their fear of spending money too well. I still feel if I don't save 1/2 a paycheck I'm frittering money away. Still working on disregarding that.

[RootAnn]

"Don't get married until you are 35."

 

Shot that one down in flames early on. I don't even know what the point was with that one? Less kids? Live your life before kids? She hasn't ever explained it.

 

My dad gave good advice and was always ready with a helping hand. My mom mostly just criticizes and complains.

I miss my dad.