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How did you know you were done adding to your family?


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How did you know you were done adding to your family?

 

Was it a certain number of kids?

 

Age?

 

Something else?

 

Did you get a feeling?

 

All last pg I was done.  I am not a happy pg person for the most part.  But now I am feeling I would love another.   But on the other had it would be so much easier to travel if we didn't have another. 

 

 

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DH made the decision. (To be honest, I wasn't happy with it but it is what it is.) For him, it was a combination of how many we had and his age. He was 41 when we had our youngest and she was our 3rd. He didn't want to be a father to young children for too long. He was reaching middle age and ready to settle down. Our oldest is his stepdaughter and we had two together. He felt it was a full house.

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For me it's age and logistics. I'm 40 and pregnant with our fourth. I don't like kids too close together because I nurse a long time,a nd lost my milk when I get pregnant. So I'd be probably 42 or more when willing to risk my milk supply, and I'm just getting too old/tired for a 5th I think. plus our housing situation is cramped. 

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DH and I discussed whether to have a fourth child for a long time...pretty much from the time #3 was born.  His position was pretty ambivalent with hints of "I don't like waking up at night" and "two of them will have to share a room" and "what about if you then decide you want a fifth!!".  OTOH, I felt strongly that I would always regret not having one more.

In the end, he agreed that my soul-deep belief that there was one family member missing trumped his qualms about logistics and temporary inconveniences.  As a concession, I promised that I would deal with all middle of the night feedings and that I would NEVER even mention the possibility of having a fifth.  So far, neither of these have been hardships; I've savored the time I get to cuddle Audrey in the night time hush, and while it has been bittersweet seeing her leave newbornhood behind and knowing I will never have another, it really does feel like our family is now complete.

Wendy

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I wish there was an easy answer. For years I had said 6. Now we have six and I went through a time where I wasn't sure if we were done. Dh almost went through with a vastectomy, but changed his mind. Not because he wants more, but for other reasons. I feel like I could be done and be very happy with our big little family. I am 36 though and with the BC methods I am willing to consider, I would say there's a good chance we end up with an oops #7.

Edited by DesertBlossom
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I didn't think I'd ever feel done but I'm actually looking forward to at least a good long break this time. I finally find myself looking forward to the big kid activities and freedom from nap schedules, and things are so difficult and busy I really can't imagine even adding the new kid this winter, let alone anymore. I'm kind of burned out and overwhelmed, which hasn't happened before to this extent. So now the 'I'll never feel done' has actually flipped in my head to 'I will miss infants but can actually see upsides to being done with them personally".

 

It's quite a shock, I didn't think I'd ever get here. Maybe just giving it a break or a few years and having a few more kids will suit us better, we won't do anything permanent, but I'm quite surprised to finally feel like done might be a good thing.

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Also, right now I drive an 8 passenger minivan. The next size up vehicle is a 12 or 15 seater van, I believe. Unless we could find a suburban with a bench in front that seats 9 total. It makes stopping at 6 kids sound just about right because I am not sure I want to drive a large van.😆

I do love my 12 passenger van - even if we never put another kid in it it's so nice to have the extra row of rear seats and cargo space!

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I felt done with 3.  My husband has brought up having more once in a while, but I just do not share the feeling. 

 

I do still like babies and little kids. 

 

Our marriage was on very rocky terrain about 3 years ago now and we went to marriage counseling.... and really we need couple time and my husband needs to feel that he is a priority to me.  I need to feel he supports me and HELPS me.

 

So we are doing So Well right now!!!!!

 

That is a bigger factor for me than anything.  I think we are at the point where we need to keep our relationship strong for the children that we have. 

 

My daughter does wish she had a sister, though, poor girl. 

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Adoption is still a possibility but we knew we were done having bio kids when the genetic testing revealed that any future bio child has a 25% chance of the same mutation that is destroying our 3rd child's hearing. IVF with pre-implantation genetic testing could avoid that, but that leaves the thorny ethical issue of what to do with the non-implanted embryos.

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DH wants another. He likes tiny humans. I change my mind every other day.

 

I don't get HG, but I get severely nauseous for more than half the pregnancy. I can eat, but the nausea itself is incapacitating. And by the end of the last one I felt like I needed a walker because my SPD was so bad. Pregnancy takes away so much from our home school and life in general. On the other hand, what's 9 months compared to a life? But, as I get older, I feel so acutely aware that a good outcome is not guaranteed.

 

I would love it if someone handed me another baby. I am having a hard time being done. But the idea of being pregnant again scares me. And the idea that it will be a few short years and then I won't have a choice any more is sad to me.

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I do love my 12 passenger van - even if we never put another kid in it it's so nice to have the extra row of rear seats and cargo space!

Yes.

 

My DH really pushed for the 12 seater van when the minivan died two years ago. I said, "Okay, but then you won't be able to use 'the van is full' as a reason for sticking to five children."

 

I thought we were done with five. I was becoming resigned to being done with babies, although wistful because one, I love babies, and two, I always wanted a sister for DD. DH was happy with five and didn't feel the need for more. But apparently neither of us was so certain that we were willing to do anything permanent, and apparently God knows better than we do, and baby number six is due in the spring. I feel like that's it though. We will have a fifteen year gap between the oldest and youngest, and I'm almost 40. Pregnancy is harder than when I was 24, and I really feel stretched to my limits with parenting, household, schooling. I also feel certain that if God gave us a seventh, he'd move my limits.

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We knew we were done when God gave us our third youngun after we had happily planned two.  Both hubby and I came from families of two kids and we liked it that way.  Fortunately, we also love our "extra" and are glad he came, but still, we made sure we were done after he was here.  No regrets at all - not even once.

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How did you know you were done adding to your family?

 

Was it a certain number of kids?

 

Age?

 

Something else?

 

Did you get a feeling?

 

All last pg I was done. I am not a happy pg person for the most part. But now I am feeling I would love another. But on the other had it would be so much easier to travel if we didn't have another.

When I went through menopause.

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I'm pregnant with what I hope to be my fourth living kid. I've suffered through multiple miscarriages and recently a stillbirth. I desperately want to have a child I get to keep after losing my baby so close to term, but the stillbirth devastated our family. Hopefully this one last rainbow baby and then, despite how long I've fantasized about having five kids, we are done. The risk is too much.

Edited by rainbowmama
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For me it is the fact that I have been unable to give birth vaginally, even though I've tried with ever kid. With for csections and a 5th coming in January I'm done. My body is exhausted and it is getting harder and harder to recover from the surgery that I need to just be done. So dh and I have agreed we are done after number 5 for my body's sake even if we wanted more.

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When I got pregnant with my 3rd at age 36 and my then 3yo started having 5 forty-five minute long tantrums every day.  I was so much more tired with that pregnancy.   I began to see that I was already tapped out and life had more surprised in store so we decided that there would be no more.  We never planned an odd number, but that is the way it worked out.  To get the half-dozen dh wanted would have meant we needed to have met a lot younger. :lol:

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I have no idea. My last pregnancy was rough. And a surprise after being on the fence about adding a third for several years. My midwife predicted she'd see me back in a couple years with number four, but I'm not sure. There's no way to predict if I'll have BP issues again. I'm fairly certain that if I hadn't been induced at 39 weeks I would have had preeclampsia. I don't know if I want to risk that again.

 

But then, Baby Boy is almost seven years younger than Dd, nine years younger that Ds. I wonder how he'll feel about being the only one at home for so long when the big kids go off to college. I'm only 35, so I have a few years before nature makes the decision for me.

 

Sorry, I'm no help.

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 I really feel stretched to my limits with parenting, household, schooling. I also feel certain that if God gave us a seventh, he'd move my limits.

 

I have to say...I disagree with this line of thinking.

 

Do people that have unplanned children love them and parent them to the best of their abilities? All the time.  Do people have large families and parent them well? All the time. All. The. Time.

 

However, this doesn't mean that these children receive the time and attention they need and deserve. There ARE people that have more kids than they can handle. What is that number? It's different for everyone. Some can't even handle one. 

 

I really believe that if someone is stretched to the limit with their current family size, they shouldn't have more. The feeling of being overwhelmed is a sign. I think we need to honor that feeling and realize our limits.  I can't see how having more is fair to those bonus children. What is someone has that bonus child and they don't actually get more energy and emotional strength? What then?

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When I needed to focus intently on parenting the children that I already had.

 

I'ts not just another baby. It's another toddler. Another school aged kid...good heavens another preteen and another teen.

 

Each of these developmental ages have their own challenges. As much as I loved the baby years and toddler years, they sapped me for my older kids who DESPERATELY needed intense difficult mothering. 

 

I've found that while I like the teen years better than the infant toddler years, they are more challenging and more difficult on an emotional intensity level that it's hard to describe until you are there. The baby and toddler years were physically more difficult due to lack of sleep and needing to stay so alert, but that emotional drain really kills me in the teen years. Just SO many important things to think about and plan for in the teen years.

 

I shudder to think what my oldest's teen years would have been like if I'd had another baby/toddler in there. I doubt I would have been able to continue homeschooling at that time. She was and is an intense kid who needs so much of me. My youngest son is an intense kid too. And my poor middle kids need some of mom too.

 

So that was my thought process. I'm a grumpy tired pregnant, post-natal mess. It takes me about 3 years to really recover from childbirth and the infant years.

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My age, health and her health. 

 

I'm 40. I'm diabetic. I'm exhausted and neglected. My pregnancies are hard and my children have challenges. 

Luna is doing well now, but the first year was honestly just awful. We almost lost her during my induction ( actually did lose her for a short time). She has delays, FTT, vision impairment, minor defect, a team of therapists, a team of specialists. Just a lot of things. And I worked SO HARD to keep her going. So hard. 

I have been toying with the idea of one more. But I just can't. I can't do this again. 

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I find everyone's experiences fascinating as this is something I've been thinking more about. I have 3 and had a stillbirth between #'s 2 & 4. I am pregnant with #5 and due in January and praying everything goes well and we get to keep this little guy. DH and I both come from big families and would like quite a few kids but after dealing with the loss of DS2 I told DH I think I want to be done at 35 (I'm currently 28) and if I lose another baby I don't want to try again (thankfully he feels the same way). Whether or not this is what happens only God knows, but right now I'm comfortable with it.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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In ideal fantasy world I like the idea of having more. 

 

In real life I want to be done. Having a sweet, chunky, cuddly, precious baby really is a special thing. At the same time, there comes a point where I cannot seriously in any way say that I can do a good job with what I already have adding any more babies, considering our financial situation and my weaknesses. Plus I have the kind of vomiting in pregnancy where you get black eyes and sore abdominal muscles from the sheer hourly heaving up stomach bile. It's truly a taste of hell. 

 

Youngest is now 2 and 1/2. He is the biggest handful of a toddler so far. I am really looking forward to having kids who can all wipe their own butt, prepare their own simple meals, be home alone so I can run to the store, bathe themselves... oh and not destroy my house daily. 

 

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Health and finances.

 

Healthwise, I was drained after my first but we did want to have at least two. Also extended family were nearby so I had free babysitting help every day. My second was born here away from extended family. So parents and in-laws flew in to help but only my parents can stay for months at a time as they are retirees and my dad has a pension.

 

Financially we can't afford a bigger place at wherever hubby can get a job interview. Problem with his being a niche job. A job at a HCOL location is better than no job. Also hubby's brother was unemployed and FIL (in his 70s) was force to retire (change in management) soon after my youngest was born. So it was hubby and his only sister having to support his parents until his mom found a fast food job since they don't have a pension. My in-laws have some savings but also my FIL's mom to support financially. When we hit a rough financial patch, my parents have to bail us out. So doesn't feel right to add another mouth to feed.

 

My brother stopped at one for financial reasons. My parents had bail him out too when he was unemployed.

 

I have a friend who was adopted by her aunt because her mom was too poor to raise her. One of my maternal aunt is adopted by my grandparents as her parents couldn't afford another child. So nothing is clear cut when it comes to how many kids to have.

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I had an undeniable certainty.  Part of it was knowing that I probably would not be able to cope emotionally with another (not kidding here--I get anxiety post partum and I get overwhelmed easily in general).  I did get jealous when some friends got pregnant again--but not jealous in a way that I felt I should have another one.

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We are *days* away from welcoming our 5th child.

 

We already have four boys, ages 2, 4, 7 and the oldest is weeks away from turning 21. :ohmy:  I had 3 losses (2 singletons and a set of twins) between babies #2 and 3, so I now have pregnancy-induced anxiety..  I'm 42, and this pregnancy was physically very hard - I wasn't in great physical shape when it started and my back issues (only during pregnancy) made it pretty much impossible to get any exercise. My 2yr old quit sleeping through the night a few months ago, so I'm sleep-deprived again which made it that much worse.

 

All that aside, while I've been telling people that this is THE LAST BABY EVER, I don't know that I really mean that. My DH is only 36 and talks about having more. I have always loved being pregnant, and I LOVE the newborn-to-two phase. If I was younger, it wouldn't even be a question that I would have more.

 

We will see how I feel after this baby is on the outside.

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We are *days* away from welcoming our 5th child.

 

We already have four boys, ages 2, 4, 7 and the oldest is weeks away from turning 21. :ohmy:  I had 3 losses (2 singletons and a set of twins) between babies #2 and 3, so I now have pregnancy-induced anxiety..  I'm 42, and this pregnancy was physically very hard - I wasn't in great physical shape when it started and my back issues (only during pregnancy) made it pretty much impossible to get any exercise. My 2yr old quit sleeping through the night a few months ago, so I'm sleep-deprived again which made it that much worse.

 

All that aside, while I've been telling people that this is THE LAST BABY EVER, I don't know that I really mean that. My DH is only 36 and talks about having more. I have always loved being pregnant, and I LOVE the newborn-to-two phase. If I was younger, it wouldn't even be a question that I would have more.

 

We will see how I feel after this baby is on the outside.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

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My age, health and her health. 

 

I'm 40. I'm diabetic. I'm exhausted and neglected. My pregnancies are hard and my children have challenges. 

 

Luna is doing well now, but the first year was honestly just awful. We almost lost her during my induction ( actually did lose her for a short time). She has delays, FTT, vision impairment, minor defect, a team of therapists, a team of specialists. Just a lot of things. And I worked SO HARD to keep her going. So hard. 

 

I have been toying with the idea of one more. But I just can't. I can't do this again. 

So sorry for you and Luna.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

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I was 43 when I had our youngest, and the doctor said no more. Those are the reasonable reasons. The heart reason is that with DS2's birth, our family felt complete. I treasure him and sometimes feel a twinge of sadness that I'll never have another baby, but I have absolutely no desire to add another child to our family.

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Youngest is four years old and #5. Reasons we're done:

 

My health issues: issues that affect children in the womb like adrenal and GI issues/nutrient deficiencies/insomnia-pregnancy is keeping me from healing and puts me deeper in the hole with my issues

 

My kids have severe food allergies and other health concerns they inherit from me - most likely from my poor health

 

Sleep: I can't do pregnancy insomnia and baby up and nursing at night anymore-I was a zombie last pregnancy but especially til baby was sleeping through the night

Edited by ifIonlyhadabrain
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When my 6th child was 15 months, I still felt overwhelmed and anxiety at the thought of having a seventh child, so dh got a vesectomy. That was an emotional decision. I'm happy to be done and move on from that stage of life, but I sometimes wonder if it was a good decision. Now that my baby is almost 3,I could definitely handle another child... but I still don't have that baby hunger. Im enjoying the new phase immensely. I'm working on a professional degree and I've discovered I can be athletic, for the first time in my life, and I'm happy I can enjoy my 6 kids more fully than if I were pregnant or taking care of a new baby.

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The fear it would be twins again pretty much meant I never went there after the first pregnancy.

My parents neighbors have 4-yo identical twin girls and 6-mo fraternal twin boy/girls. I have never seen a mom look so overwhelmed... and her husband was actually able to sell his company the month before the babies were born so that he could be home, too. And they had a night nanny until the babies slept through the night. And she still looks utterly exhausted. :-(

 

Emily

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I would LOVE one more. Four just seems right to me, and I can't really explain it. DD (almost 3) keeps asking for more babies, too. I told her that if we had another baby, we would have less money, and mommy would be even busier...She said, "Yeah, but if us had more babies us whole big family would be even happier." Hard to argue with that!

 

Unfortunately, though, DH is done. :(

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When I found out I was pregnant with not-planned DD15, I told DH This Was It. It was a crummy pregnancy. I kept telling DH No More. Her delivery was traumatic. And Horrible (csection, in labor with transverse presentation). No opportunity for surgeons to do the planned tubal. I was bummed when I found out afterwards because I was Really Done.

 

I have never looked back. Love DD dearly and am delighted she was our kid #4, but I have absolutely no desire for more kids.

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My parents neighbors have 4-yo identical twin girls and 6-mo fraternal twin boy/girls. I have never seen a mom look so overwhelmed... and her husband was actually able to sell his company the month before the babies were born so that he could be home, too. And they had a night nanny until the babies slept through the night. And she still looks utterly exhausted. :-(

 

Emily

 

Oy. Yeah, I'm convinced that twins is well over twice the work in the first year or two. I mean, it makes up for it in the preschool years a little bit by dealing with less sibling rivalry and more ease of sibling play to keep kids out of mom's hair - or did for us. But it's soooo much work the first year. I knew I'd never risk it again.

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Oldest is severely disabled and we have a slightly higher than average chance of having a child with a birth defect simply because we already have one. It took faith to have a second and then a third child, thankfully neither with developmental issues. I felt blessed, complete--I did not need to push my luck one more time. And with third I was already advanced maternal age.

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