My closet friend's mom just died

[Only me]

She had terminal cancer. They are not a religious family and are also not having a wake or anything at a funeral home. My friend told me not to send flowers but I can't tell if she really doesn't want them or is just saying it so I don't spend the money. I can see it both ways. I don't want her to have the extra burden of dealing with a bunch of flowers right now. Extended family will also be staying with them so I'm not sure if allergies are a potential problem.

 

I sent her a card already but feel like I should do more. My husband thinks that I should send a plant to their home. I want to respect her wishes if she really doesnt want flowers but I really couldn't tell by our conversation if she was just saying that to be nice.

 

It isn't a situation where I could do something else like bring over meals etc for the family. I think they will be spending a lot of time with extended family and I'm not sure they will even be home that much. I don't even think a gift card for dinner would work since I think they will decide on meals last minute. Also her family has different tastes than mine and I would have no idea what to cook that they would like. I've offered to help with anything she needs but they don't need anything right now. My mom died 2 years ago and I know at first we really just wanted our family around.

 

Any suggestions? I can't think of anything else.

[madteaparty]

You can send a whole range of things besides cut flowers. I'd send a plant like DH suggests but fruit, food baskets would do too. I have sent piles of snacks from Dean and Deluca before, it's not like they will go bad within the week.

You are a good friend!

[OneStepAtATime]

What about a donation to a charity in the name of the deceased?  When my dad died, several of my friends did that.  It meant a lot.

[Ravin]

I would send a gift card to a restaurant that delivers, if I lived too far away (or lacked time) to just take a meal to them.

[Joules]

I think a restaurant gift card could still be good.  They can use it right away if it works out, but if not, they will have it for a break later.

 

Does she have kids?  Sometimes a care pack for the kids to keep them busy can be really helpful while the adults grieve and deal with practicalities. 

[Guest]

Send the card. And in a month when all the hullabaloo has died down and most people have forgotten her loss, be there for her. Bring her flowers then. And a meal. And another card.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some people really don't want flowers. My mom was upset that people ignored her wishes.

 

 

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[gardenmom5]

condolences to your friend.  my mother was very opposed to flowers when my father died, as well as when her own parents died.

 

send food.  even if they aren't going to have people staying with them - it just makes their lives a little easier at this time.  gift certificates for meal delivery/restaurant works well too.  or drop off things that can easily be reheated when it works for them.

[gardenmom5]

What about a donation to a charity in the name of the deceased?  When my dad died, several of my friends did that.  It meant a lot.

 

a charity related to the type of cancer from which she died - yes.  a donation to the favorite charity of the donor - no.  my mother asked for donations to the heart association in lieu of flowers.  I was disgusted by the number of people who gave to *their* favorite charity.  it wasn't about my dad - it was about the donor.

[mamiof5]

What about a donation to a charity in the name of the deceased? When my dad died, several of my friends did that. It meant a lot.

This. Or donation towards research on her type of cancer? A good friend's dad passed a couple years ago. My friend said breast cancer gets lots of funds, but not necessarily other types. Not sure if this is true, just going off what I was told.

 

Sorry about your friend's mom :(

[OneStepAtATime]

a charity related to the type of cancer from which she died - yes.  a donation to the favorite charity of the donor - no.  my mother asked for donations to the heart association in lieu of flowers.  I was disgusted by the number of people who gave to *their* favorite charity.  it wasn't about my dad - it was about the donor.

I am sorry you were so upset by their donations.  I can see maybe feeling this way if my family had made a specific request and it was not honored.  I also realize this will differ from family to family.  I just wonder, though, what if there was no specific donation request and the person donating has no idea what charities, if any, are important to the deceased and their family?  Would it deeply upset a family to have a donation made in a loved one's name to a charity if they made no specific charity donation requests?  I would hope they would see it for the gesture it is.  Some of my friends only knew my dad in passing from years ago.  Mom and I were touched at whatever donation they made in Dad's name.  I didn't expect them to be mind readers.  Nor, honestly, did I expect them to do anything specific since they really did not know him that well.  I was touched at the gesture, regardless of what charity they chose to donate to.

[gardenmom5]

 I just wonder, though, what if there was no specific donation request and the person donating has no idea what charities, if any, are important to the deceased and their family?  

 

her friend's mother died from cancer.  I would imagine their family would appreciate a donation to an organization that either studies that type of cancer, or supports patients with it/their families.   If she was in hospice - supporting that as well.

 

breast cancer does get a lot of donations  - there are many other types that are fairly overlooked.  (if donating to a more rare cancer - I would not do a generic to the ACS - I would make a specific bequeath that they can handle through them.)

 

another option is restaurant (that deliver) gift cards.

 

they've asked for no flower - I would respect that.

[Spryte]

I'm so sorry your good friend has lost her mom.

 

I like the restaurant gift card idea, and even something like an Amazon card so she can pick out a new kindle book, if she's a reader - something for her, for down time.  If they've specified a charity, then a donation might be nice, too.  I think a card with some nice memories of her mom would be appreciated, too.

 

If you can find a way to spend time with her once things are settled down a bit, I bet that would be the most meaningful of all.

[bettyandbob]

You've sent a card. Are you going to whatever they have for memorial.

 

Gift card for food delivery is good. Then I'd make point of catching up with her when people leave town. Also a make a note of any special dates like her mother's birthday.

[Only me]

They are only having a small gravesite service with family only. I already sent her a card. I would be happy to send them a gift card for food to be delivered but since they will have a lot of out of town family the amount I send would not be enough to feed all those people. Her kids are both young adults so she won't need help in that area. Would no flowers mean no plants too? This was just said in a conversation. There is no obituary.

 

If I donate to the cancer society would I just send her another card telling her that is what I did?

 

We are actually already planning on having dinner in a few weeks to celebrate our mothers' lives. My mom died 2 years ago and I've had a lot of health problems since then and then she has been taking care of her mom for a year so we have not gotten together.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would ask about the plant.  My mom's feeling was that she didn't want cut flowers that would wither and die.  Obviously people might have different reasons why they might not want flowers.  I did get a "death plant" when my dad died (the name my kids gave it). 

[TechWife]

What about a gift card for something like Blue Apron so she could order something for her own family after extended family leaves to make her life a little easier during the transition?

 

 

[MistyMountain]

You can do a gift card to a dinner factory type place where you pick up meals put together already and freeze them. You can wait a little to send a gift card for meals until extended family leaves or even just before the holidays when they will miss their presence in anticipation of the holidays.

Edited September 28, 2016 by MistyMountain

[Luckymama]

Wait until her family leaves and then give her a restaurant gift card or something similar.

 

Please don't send a plant. My fil thought I needed a plant after my father died (my mother predeceased him). It's perfectly lovely but it reminds me constantly of my losses, and not in a good way.

[Guest]

One other thing about waiting for a couple of weeks at least, or doing a gift card for food (BlueApron is nice because then the bereaved doesn't have to go out...):  

 

My mom and sister got so much food when my dad died that there was not one square inch left in the fridge or the freezer )after they packed up what could be frozen and put it in there).  They had to throw away what they could not give away to the neighbors in their apartment.  This will not be true for every family, but it is something to be aware of.  This was especially hard on my depression-era mom, throwing away food.   :0/

 

[TechWife]

a charity related to the type of cancer from which she died - yes.  a donation to the favorite charity of the donor - no.  my mother asked for donations to the heart association in lieu of flowers.  I was disgusted by the number of people who gave to *their* favorite charity.  it wasn't about my dad - it was about the donor.

 

Yes! If there's some reason you aren't comfortable donating to the charity the bereaved has chosen, just don't donate, send a card instead. 

[TechWife]

I just wonder, though, what if there was no specific donation request and the person donating has no idea what charities, if any, are important to the deceased and their family?  Would it deeply upset a family to have a donation made in a loved one's name to a charity if they made no specific charity donation requests?  

 

Often the funeral home who is making the arrangements can make suggestions for you. Another alternative is to donate to a hospital or hospice that you know was involved in their care (the funeral home often has this information). 

[TechWife]

 

If I donate to the cancer society would I just send her another card telling her that is what I did?

 

We are actually already planning on having dinner in a few weeks to celebrate our mothers' lives. My mom died 2 years ago and I've had a lot of health problems since then and then she has been taking care of her mom for a year so we have not gotten together.

 

If you make a donation, you usually get an opportunity to say that the donation is "in honor of" or "in memory of" someone. The organization then sends a card to the person indicating they have received a donation from you. 

 

I think that getting together with her sounds wonderful! Honestly, knowing this, I don't think you need to do anything else. Spending time with her is the best thing, IMO! 

[Only me]

Often the funeral home who is making the arrangements can make suggestions for you. Another alternative is to donate to a hospital or hospice that you know was involved in their care (the funeral home often has this information).

It is a bit difficult since I have no idea what funeral home they are using. Her mother requested no obituary and they are not having any kind of service except for close family. I already asked her once about what funeral home they were using and that's when she requested no flowers. I was thinking about donating to the cancer society but I wouldn't want to offend her somehow. This is so hard. I can also see about the plant causing mixed feelings too.

 

Since I already sent a card maybe I will send her another one in a few weeks and maybe just some personal cheerful items for my friend just to let her know I'm thinking of her (maybe a candle and a few other things I know she likes.)

[gardenmom5]

They are only having a small gravesite service with family only. I already sent her a card. I would be happy to send them a gift card for food to be delivered but since they will have a lot of out of town family the amount I send would not be enough to feed all those people. Her kids are both young adults so she won't need help in that area. Would no flowers mean no plants too? This was just said in a conversation. There is no obituary.

 

If I donate to the cancer society would I just send her another card telling her that is what I did?

 

We are actually already planning on having dinner in a few weeks to celebrate our mothers' lives. My mom died 2 years ago and I've had a lot of health problems since then and then she has been taking care of her mom for a year so we have not gotten together.

 

If you send a gift card - they can use it now or later.  it doesn't have to feed everyone.  if used now, it *will* contribute to a meal.

 

in the old days - neighbors brought food to feed all the family who'd show up.  a single neighbor didn't provide a meal - they provided a "dish".