grantmeawish Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 Ugh! I see myself as pretty non judgmental and am generally a quiet person. I am human and judge mental thoughts come to mind but I keep them to myself for the most part and try to not be that way. The other day a very close friend was lamenting about some financial troubles and not knowing what to do and sounded exhausted and like she didn't know what to do. She was rationalizing the extra expenditures her family has and I mistakenly felt like I needed to tell her that sometimes we have to make sacrifices for a short while and then explained what worked for my family. Well she shut down and I didn't talk to her for two days and finally did and apologized it now she feels she can't order a pizza without me judging. I feel horrible and don't want her to feel this way. I don't know if this can be fixed and we can go back to being great friends. I'm sad. Stupid unsolicited advice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I'd just say plainly that you're sorry and didn't mean to make it sound like that. It was just some problem solving to help on a practical level and nothing meant to judge them. You're sorry, let's move forward, etc. Sometimes just explaining intention and issuing a mea culpa helps a lot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 I'm sorry. You did say you apologized. If you were very contrite, as it sounds you must have been, it is just in her court to forgive and go on. Also, though, if she retains a grudge against you for much longer, she may be laying her own guilt on you for being judgemental, KWIM? So, if in her heart, she says to herself, "We really should not order this pizza. It would be better to make bagle pizzas at home and save the twenty dollars, chip away at that debt (or whatever)." But she ignores her own good advice, then you are just "reminding" her that she didn't do what she knows she must to reach her goals. So some of her offense at you is really misplaced. Despite all that, I avoid whenever possible pointing out when people are not doing what they know they should. ;) If they are eating a gallon of ice cream while lamenting that they can't seem to lose their baby fat, I just smile and nod. Smile and nod. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grantmeawish Posted September 20, 2016 Author Share Posted September 20, 2016 Thanks quill. I know! Smile and nod and keep my big trap shut. I need to listen to my own advice. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 20, 2016 Share Posted September 20, 2016 :grouphug: Once, when my friend and I were young mothers, she asked me what I thought about her parenting. I tried to put her off, saying something about how all of us have different thoughts about childrearing and whatnot, but she said, "I really want to know." She hotly defended her behavior, and I apologized. Oh no she did not. Because when I told her what I thought, she was highly offended and didn't speak to me, not even when she and her dh came over to my house for a church ministry thing we were both involved in. I apologized to her again, but she still refused to talk to me. A few days after that she called me and told me that I was right and thanked me for telling her what I thought...but I never, ever told her what I thought again. And I'm extremely cautious about what I say to anyone else, even when assured that my comments are welcome. We can all hope that she gets over it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MFG Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 I'm sorry. You did say you apologized. If you were very contrite, as it sounds you must have been, it is just in her court to forgive and go on. Also, though, if she retains a grudge against you for much longer, she may be laying her own guilt on you for being judgemental, KWIM? So, if in her heart, she says to herself, "We really should not order this pizza. It would be better to make bagle pizzas at home and save the twenty dollars, chip away at that debt (or whatever)." But she ignores her own good advice, then you are just "reminding" her that she didn't do what she knows she must to reach her goals. So some of her offense at you is really misplaced. Despite all that, I avoid whenever possible pointing out when people are not doing what they know they should. ;) If they are eating a gallon of ice cream while lamenting that they can't seem to lose their baby fat, I just smile and nod. Smile and nod. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 (edited) When people are going through short term financial troubles, they may be just sensitive and may find it harder to make sacrifices. She might take awhile to get back to being very close friends. Sometimes it is not about you being blunt (which I don't think you are) but about the other party being down/frustrated/annoyed. For example I am downright annoyed with my in-laws and my hubby at the moment because my in-laws without prior notice bought international airplane tickets online to visit us and use BIL's credit card to pay because they are retirees without pension. Hubby is paying BIL immediately as BIL is not in good financial shape. So it is frustrating as now we have no money to fly home to visit my and his many relatives. He has more than 30 relatives and I have close to a hundred across 4 generations. It would take a year of dumping fun money budget into the visit family back home budget, so I would buy pizzas for my kids if I have to because the $6x4weeks per month pizza slices aren't going to make a dent in that budget. The timing is bad and the amount is high basically gets me mad. I would probably get over it totally when I could afford airfare home for my family, lots of new grandnephews and grandnieces (grandbabies of my cousins) to cuddle and swing. Luckily my friends know I just need to get it out of my system by "whining". ETA: Our off peak family airfare would be cheaper than what we are paying for my in-laws hence the rant. Also they have been here a few times for vacation paid by my hubby while we could only afford to fly back once in 10 years. Luckily my in-laws just expect hubby to bring them touring :) Edited September 21, 2016 by Arcadia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted September 21, 2016 Share Posted September 21, 2016 You know how we always talk about boundaries? I'm not sure you needed to apologize. She was talking to you, and she got mad and huffy when you didn't say what she wanted. If you weren't ugly, and were reasonably gentle, this isn't on you. Actually, she owes YOU an apology for getting upset at you. A mature response from her would have been along the lines of, "I know, I know. But sometimes there's more to it, and I really just need to vent right now." And then you could have said, "I'm sorry, I misread the tone of this conversation. It does sound really stinky and frustrating." I do think it is good you reached out and apologized first. There's no need to be superior ever, but do keep in mind that she is one behaving badly at the moment. This. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Though for future reference, smile and nod is the best way to not get into this awkwardness in the first place. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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