Email UCLA Freshman sent to her 2 roommates

[Lanny]

I just read this article about the email the Freshman sent to her 2 roommates at UCLA.  This is eye opening...

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/09/14/ucla-freshman-sends-roommates-list-demands-before-semester-begins.html

[JumpyTheFrog]

Wow, that's some entitlement on the part of the woman who wrote that letter!

[Murphy101]

The only response to that is gratitude. As in, thank goodness they found out she was batpoop BEFORE they moved in with her. If my boys got an email like that, they'd not only NOT respond, they'd immediately request a new room assignment and just be glad they found out before moving in.

[FaithManor]

Holy moly batman. I hope the tek roommates forwarded that to the housing director, resident director, and resident assistant.

 

Wow just wow! What a spoiled brat.

[TranquilMind]

I would be interested in seeing the original email.  I'm wondering why they didn't respond to that one. 

[bolt.]

There is a way to interpret that text in a manner that isn't really as horrible as it sounds (in its most natural reading, it sounds horrible). There is such a thing as imagining mitigating context and looking for the possibility of another tone that fits the words.

 

Here's my imaginative attempt at a charitable interpretation:

 

Her first email was something like, "Hey guys, I know we all want the top bunk over the desk (clearly it's the best) but I care more about the window desk and the better closet. If I agree that one of you can have the best bunk, Would it cool for me to get the desk/closet I want? Any ideas on the other two bunks? Let me know!"

 

(No responses. Anxiety. Wants to get things set in her mind. Still no responses.)

 

This email with the tone of: "Ok, since you didn't reply, I assume you don't object. I expect (as in, 'this is what I think will be happening') that my proposal about desks and closets is fine. Plus, I want to pick (of the remaining bunks) the top one. Object now or forever hold your peace. Moving is stressful, and I don't want to hash this out on the day-of. I'll be taking a non-reply as agreement."

 

Seriously, if that's what she's trying to say, she's saying it in a really poor style, and it's no wonder the recipients took it the wrong way. (If it is the wrong way!)

 

However, if there is any possibility of a charitable explaination, I won't participate in the whole internet making a fool of a (foolish) young woman who put her foot in her mouth because she was nervous about moving to college. It's not fair. We're the mature ones here.

Edited September 14, 2016 by bolt.

[Murphy101]

I would be interested in seeing the original email. I'm wondering why they didn't respond to that one.

Many students don't respond to contact requests before move in day. For lots of reasons. Preferring to meet in person. Being busy with summer and moving out. Not checking that email very frequently or it gets dumped in spam. It's very common. As in I bet more don't contact each other prior to move in day than do.

[TranquilMind]

There is a way to interpret that text in a manner that isn't really as horrible as it sounds (in its most natural reading, it sounds horrible). There is such a thing as imagining mitigating context and looking for the possibility of another tone that fits the words.

 

Here's my imaginative attempt at a charitable interpretation:

 

Her first email was something like, "Hey guys, I know we all want the top bunk over the desk (clearly it's the best) but I care more about the window desk and the better closet. If I agree that one of you can have the best bunk, Would it cool for me to get the desk/closet I want? Any ideas on the other two bunks? Let me know!"

 

(No responses. Anxiety. Wants to get things set in her mind. Still no responses.)

 

This email with the tone of: "Ok, since you didn't reply, I assume you don't object. I expect (as in, 'this is what I think will be happening') that my proposal about desks and closets is fine. Plus, I want to pick (of the remaining bunks) the top one. Object now or forever hold your peace. Moving is stressful, and I don't want to hash this out on the day-of. I'll be taking a non-reply as agreement."

 

Seriously, if that's what she's trying to say, she's saying it in a really poor style, and it's no wonder the recipients took it the wrong way. (If it is the wrong way!)

 

However, if there is any possibility of a charitable explaination, I won't participate in the whole internet making a fool of a (foolish) young woman who put her foot in her mouth because she was nervous about moving to college. It's not fair. We're the mature ones here.

Right.  She sure didn't learn diplomacy in her adolescent years.

 

But we really don't have all the facts.  Just a rude, ranting email, because no one seems to be able to problem solve these days without it. 

[TranquilMind]

Many students don't respond to contact requests before move in day. For lots of reasons. Preferring to meet in person. Being busy with summer and moving out. Not checking that email very frequently or it gets dumped in spam. It's very common. As in I bet more don't contact each other prior to move in day than do.

 

Well, mine did.  It would be rude to just ignore a friendly greeting, assuming it was received, of course.  We are all busy.

 

Edited September 14, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Murphy101]

Meh. I'm not going to crucify the girl over an email fit she had. Maybe it's just an aberration to her over all sparkling personality. Idk.

 

We wouldn't post it online. Like I said, my clan would just be thinking, "whew, glad we dodged that roommate!" And moving out and on.

[NorthwestMom]

This article has more details: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3786964/Student-sends-angry-list-demands-future-roommates-ve-met.html . Apparently only 2 days passed between first and second emails.

 This girl has problems.

[TranquilMind]

This article has more details: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3786964/Student-sends-angry-list-demands-future-roommates-ve-met.html . Apparently only 2 days passed between first and second emails.

 This girl has problems.

 

Oh.  Well, that is over-the-top ridiculous.  The girl's response started out well, but ended up with the same kind of tone.

 

And it bothers me that Ashly's name is misspelled.  ;)

Edited September 14, 2016 by TranquilMind

[Murphy101]

Well, mine did. It would be rude to just ignore a friendly greeting, assuming it was received, of course. We are all busy.

 

It's not rude to decide to not respond to total strangers on the Internet.

 

Just like it is not rude for me to decide I don't have to answer the phone if it's a number I don't know or the door to someone I don't know.

[Sneezyone]

I'm not sure which is more disturbing--Ashly's behavior or the comments from viewers.

[vonfirmath]

I was taught etiquette was not to post private emails publically? Is that no longer the case?

 

There could be exceptions -- but even then you do not go DIRECT to news sources. You deal with a third party (Who you may have to reveal private correspondence with to explain/prove the problem)

 

I think both girls are out of line.

 

 

Edited September 14, 2016 by vonfirmath

[TranquilMind]

It's not rude to decide to not respond to total strangers on the Internet.

 

Just like it is not rude for me to decide I don't have to answer the phone if it's a number I don't know or the door to someone I don't know.

 

Agreed with you on the second.  I never answer the door or the phone, unless I am expecting someone.

But the first is not a total stranger - she has already identified herself as a roommmate, and likely gave enough information to indicate that this was true.

 

I would not ignore that, even if I dropped a quick, "Hey, good to hear from you.  I am moving this week, but will get back to you soon.  Have a great day." or something.

 

[TranquilMind]

Is it not a part of etiquette anymore not to post private emails publically? That is what I grew up with.

 

There could be exceptions -- but even then you do not go DIRECT to news sources. You deal with a third party (Who you may have to reveal private correspondence with to explain/prove the problem)

 

I agree with this.  I think it is pretty tacky to post a private email. 

[mellifera33]

I knew a gal who had a double room to herself every year because she had screaming fits and threw stuff all over the room. Every September for four years her assigned roommate would be horrified and move out. Maybe Ashly is trying the same thing preemptively? A triple all to herself? Nice. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

It's not rude to decide to not respond to total strangers on the Internet.

 

Just like it is not rude for me to decide I don't have to answer the phone if it's a number I don't know or the door to someone I don't know.

 

They aren't going to be total strangers for long considering they will be living together. 

 

I know you said not communicating with the future roommate is common, but I don't believe that is the case.

[TranquilMind]

I'm not sure which is more disturbing--Ashly's behavior or the comments from viewers.

 

Some of the comments were hilarious.

 

 

"LOL.... I wonder what she will email the professor's? "I'm getting an A... I'm just telling you what I'm getting so when I get there I get what I want.... don't try me"....."

 

[sic]

 

[Sneezyone]

 

Some of the comments were hilarious.

 

 

"LOL.... I wonder what she will email the professor's? "I'm getting an A... I'm just telling you what I'm getting so when I get there I get what I want.... don't try me"....."

 

[sic]

 

 

...aaaand most made me weep for humanity.

[PinkTulip]

This makes me grateful for the way housing is run at my son's school. When you sign up for housing, you pick the exact apartment, room, and even bed that you want to be in. No drama over who gets the better bed, better closet, or better desk - it's all decided the moment you sign up.

 

They shouldn't have made it public, but she sounds like a nightmare roommate.

[Murphy101]

I was taught etiquette was not to post private emails publically? Is that no longer the case?

 

There could be exceptions -- but even then you do not go DIRECT to news sources. You deal with a third party (Who you may have to reveal private correspondence with to explain/prove the problem)

 

I think both girls are out of line.

There's etiquette and there's common sense.

 

If you put it in writing, digital or otherwise, then it can end up anywhere and that's the chance you take. If you don't want anyone to see it, you probably shouldn't write it.

 

The gal posted it to her FB page and it went viral. She didn't send it directly to a news outlet. Personally I wouldn't do either and would advise my kids not to either.

 

But for many people they treat their Fb like it's no different than chatting over coffee with their friends in person. So I can see how a college girl might view posting it on her FB page as not much different than telling her friends about this crazy email she got as they hang out together.

[mathnerd]

I was taught etiquette was not to post private emails publically? Is that no longer the case?

 

...

 

I think both girls are out of line.

The names were changed to protect the privacy of the sender of the emails.

 

What stands out to me:

1. UCLA admitted this young woman with poor grammar and writing skills.

2. She sounds mentally ill and is probably a big risk to take on as a room mate (self proclaimed ticking time bomb - in today's world of campus shootings, and with the recent horror of UCSB shooting of roommates, if she had written this to my child, I would personally bring up my concerns with the Housing Director).

3. I will not be surprised if this lady makes it to the news again later on.

[Laurie]

The email is a good example of why we shouldn't ban bossy.

 

 

[TranquilMind]

...aaaand most made me weep for humanity.

 

Well, sure.  There were a few obnoxious ones, a few true ones, and a couple of funny ones, like the one I posted. 

 

[TranquilMind]

The names were changed to protect the privacy of the sender of the emails.

 

What stands out to me:

1. UCLA admitted this young woman with poor grammar and writing skills.

2. She sounds mentally ill and is probably a big risk to take on as a room mate (self proclaimed ticking time bomb - in today's world of campus shootings, and with the recent horror of UCSB shooting of roommates, if she had written this to my child, I would personally bring up my concerns with the Housing Director).

3. I will not be surprised if this lady makes it to the news again later on.

 

Those concerns occurred to me.  She has basically stated she is time bomb who will go off if anyone does anything she doesn't like.  And that's going to happen.  I wouldn't want her as a roommate.

[Murphy101]

Agreed with you on the second. I never answer the door or the phone, unless I am expecting someone.

But the first is not a total stranger - she has already identified herself as a roommmate, and likely gave enough information to indicate that this was true.

 

I would not ignore that, even if I dropped a quick, "Hey, good to hear from you. I am moving this week, but will get back to you soon. Have a great day." or something.

 

We don't know how she presented herself. I see nothing in what we do see to make me presume she presented herself well the first time.

 

I cannot count how often I have found out later that I deleted an email or it went to spam because the subject line didn't make sense to me only to find out later it was from someone who should in theory know how to give a heading that is helpful. I do not read emails that I don't think are from someone I know or don't have a subject line that makes me think I should open them. Life is too short to spend that much time sorting junk mail.

 

And she is a total stranger. Roommate changes happen right up until move in day. Lots of kids decide to just wait and see how things go. My boys were talking last week about how many other guys didn't have any contact from assigned roommates or didn't choose to make contact either. Maybe it's a guy thing, but the only ones who did were ones that had already known each other prior to being roommates anyways.

 

Technically my boys have a third roommate assigned. They have never met him or contacted him and he hasn't contacted them either. He also has not shown up yet. Oh well. *shrug*. Apparently phantom roommates who never show up are rather common too. They decide to bunk elsewhere and never inform anyone. I guess they don't consider that the room is still being billed to their accounts.

[FaithManor]

Murphy brings up a valid point about email. I have pretty high security settings and so does ds so from an unknown sender, it could easily go directly to junk mail which most people do not make a habit of checking regularly because it is mostly spam.

 

Ds did communicate with his roommate pre move in. But their email addresses were given to each other through the housing office and the emails went through the college server as forwards from the WMU erver so that the first time around it would go to their collegr email inbox and not end up in junk mail. That was a good idea on the part of housing. Subsequent emails could then be exchanged privately.

[KarenC]

I would be interested in seeing the original email.  I'm wondering why they didn't respond to that one. 

My girls rarely check their email.  Maybe they didn't see the original one until later or they didn't know how to respond.

[creekland]

I'm glad I didn't grow up in the age of the internet.

 

I'll admit to feeling for the gal who wrote the letter.  The "punishment" is likely far more than deserved.  Yes, she didn't have tact, but I see it far more as anxiety about going to college and wanting to know more of what was happening than much else.  There may even be some ASD involved or similar.

 

And now... due to the internet... everyone knows... and she'll never be able to let it go, cause she knows the name of who's involved even if it's been changed.

 

And we wonder why Teen Suicide is rising.  This is just one incident.  Teens need to be perfect - or else.

 

I'll be the first to admit I wasn't.  Heck, I'm still learning how to deal with certain "new to me" situations and I'm not perfect there either.

[TranquilMind]

I'm glad I didn't grow up in the age of the internet.

 

I'll admit to feeling for the gal who wrote the letter.  The "punishment" is likely far more than deserved.  Yes, she didn't have tact, but I see it far more as anxiety about going to college and wanting to know more of what was happening than much else.  There may even be some ASD involved or similar.

 

And now... due to the internet... everyone knows... and she'll never be able to let it go, cause she knows the name of who's involved even if it's been changed.

 

And we wonder why Teen Suicide is rising.  This is just one incident.  Teens need to be perfect - or else.

 

I'll be the first to admit I wasn't.  Heck, I'm still learning how to deal with certain "new to me" situations and I'm not perfect there either.

 

I think you have a good point.

In our youth, our stupid stayed where we did it.   You know, like "what happened in the 70's  STAYS in the 70's".  Praise God for that.

 

It didn't follow us through life, like this stuff will.  A stupid outburst and email that arose out of it will now follow her and possibly even become a major issue at the college.  I've been warning my kids for years not to write anything online that they would not shout from a rooftop on the 6:00 news.  They are starting to get it, I think. 

 

 

[Garga]

Why is this even on a news site? I am so tired of silly little squabbles between regular people being posted as news.

 

So, a girl writes an outrageous email to some strangers.

 

The whole nation reads it and comments about what a horrible person she is.

 

Lovely.

[Guest]

I would love to read the essay she sent with her application...... ;)

[Anne in CA]

I was taught etiquette was not to post private emails publically? Is that no longer the case?

 

There could be exceptions -- but even then you do not go DIRECT to news sources. You deal with a third party (Who you may have to reveal private correspondence with to explain/prove the problem)

 

I think both girls are out of line.

I would never assume, and I taught my kids never to assume, that any written communication is not private. Even a long hand letter can be scanned and on the web in seconds.

 

I am of two minds about this. When a bully acts like this, it's fair to shine light on their behavior. Most bullies count on the bullied to not tell authority, and to keep the bullying a secret (tattletales are considered worse than bullies by lots of people). Forwarding a rude email is one way to "out" a cyberbully. But under normal circumstances it would be rude to make private communication public. If the girls had been ironing out legitimate concerns and it started friendly but got heated it would be different IMO. Then everyone would be behaving badly and one person forwarding the email would be a jerk.

[maize]

The girl who posted the email online is engaging in cyberbullying that is way more egregious than the original letter itself.

Edited September 14, 2016 by maize

[maize]

I think it would have been appropriate to forward the original email to someone in authority over university housing.

[creekland]

Why is this even on a news site? I am so tired of silly little squabbles between regular people being posted as news.

 

So, a girl writes an outrageous email to some strangers.

 

The whole nation reads it and comments about what a horrible person she is.

 

Lovely.

 

This.  Middle son is an RA (Resident Adviser) at college and has worked with freshmen for four years now.  This type of thing is common.  It just isn't always written.  Kids aren't used to living with other or in small spaces and learn as they go along - just as we all do when we learn something new.  It might not be this topic, but we all learn as we go on and sometimes we make mistakes - esp if we get anxious.

 

It's frustrating when it ends up like this one has rather than giving the writer a chance to learn.  If there had been that opportunity and she was still a jerk, then maybe public shaming would be an option, but as a first response?  No.  

[Murphy101]

I don't think either the email or the posting of it was *necessarily* bullying or something worth sending up the chain of command at the university.

 

These are adults so some growing up and learning to deal with aholes is part of life. And learning not to be an ahole is too.

 

If they are old enough to go to college, they shouldn't need mediation to figure out who gets what bed or desk.

 

I agree this is not news and I'm glad to not have had my youth digitized for spectators too.

[creekland]

The girl who posted the email online is engaging in cyberbullying that is way more egregious than the original letter itself.

 

The teen who posted the e-mail on FB probably didn't know what to do either TBH.  The reporter and other adults who passed it on should have known better, but that's not the way our society works anymore.  We (generic) judge and judge quickly rather than assessing the whole situation and putting ourselves in their shoes with their (limited) knowledge, then passing it off as teens learning the ways of this world.

[happi duck]

People are picking apart an email a *kid* sent?

 

An email is not an essay...now kids need to agonizingly obsess over not just their applications and essays but also emails, just in case?

 

Can't you imagine a girl being given the advice to 'be firm' and 'tell them what you want'?

 

Can't you imagine a nervous mom wondering if she should help her DD navigate roommate stuff? Can you imagine choosing to stay out of it and your DD gets publicly called out like this?

 

Sharing it to fb was wrong imo. Not enough maturity on both sides *but* maybe the public could give young adults a bit of slack in the maturity department.

 

.

Edited September 14, 2016 by happi duck

[JoJosMom]

I just read this article about the email the Freshman sent to her 2 roommates at UCLA.  This is eye opening... TERRIFYING.

 

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2016/09/14/ucla-freshman-sends-roommates-list-demands-before-semester-begins.html

 

There.  I fixed it for you, Lanny.

 

Now I have to go break the news to DD that Mama's going with her to college.  :laugh:

[maize]

The teen who posted the e-mail on FB probably didn't know what to do either TBH. The reporter and other adults who passed it on should have known better, but that's not the way our society works anymore. We (generic) judge and judge quickly rather than assessing the whole situation and putting ourselves in their shoes with their (limited) knowledge, then passing it off as teens learning the ways of this world.

You're right, the news outlets deserve to be shamed for crucifying a young woman over very common human behavior.

 

Of course, news outlets put out what the public wants, and look how eagerly this has been eaten up.

Edited September 14, 2016 by maize

[maize]

I'm also wondering--we expect females to cooperate and negotiate. I have a suspician that the demanding style of the original letter would not have been perceived as so egregious coming from a male. It is still entitled, unfriendly, and wrong--but I think taking a tough stance is more acceptable for males than females in our society.

[Guest]

I'd have happily told her to go screw herself and probably reported the entire set of emails to the head of housing, even as an 18 year old. Ain't nobody got time for that kind of attitude.

[SparklyUnicorn]

OMF gopher

 

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm also wondering--we expect females to cooperate and negotiate. I have a suspician that the demanding style of the original letter would not have been perceived as so egregious coming from a male. It is still entitled, unfriendly, and wrong--but I think taking a tough stance is more acceptable for males than females in our society.

 

I don't know.  That is so over the top I can't believe even males would be cool with that.  Ever....

[The Governess]

Oh geez. All three of these girls lack maturity. Is this the typical peer group my dd's can look forward to when they go off to college? *I weep*

[maize]

Oh geez. All three of these girls lack maturity. Is this the typical peer group my dd's can look forward to when they go off to college? *I weep*

I don't remember seeing anything from the third girl?

[Murphy101]

I'm also wondering--we expect females to cooperate and negotiate. I have a suspician that the demanding style of the original letter would not have been perceived as so egregious coming from a male. It is still entitled, unfriendly, and wrong--but I think taking a tough stance is more acceptable for males than females in our society.

No. That's nonsense. She wasn't taking a tough stance on anything. I do not know any guys that would have been one bit less put off than the girl she sent that too. And I'm sure more than one of them probably would have vented similarly on FB to their friends about the crazy sounding email they got from some potential roommate.