allergy/celiac people - help me not be awkward (invitation question)

[marbel]

Every month I have a lunch at my house for people who participate in a certain ministry at my church. The lunch is informal; there are some core participants but then from time to time others join in.  The ministry coordinator sends email to all prospective participants and asks them to let me know if they are going to attend the lunch, and to let me know if anyone has food restrictions.  

 

This month a new young man is joining us for the ministry event, but has not responded about lunch.  I know he has to follow a gluten-free diet.  He is a young guy, early 20's, a little shy and sometimes seems a little afraid of me if you know what I mean (I guess I am old enough to be his grandma, though I don't like to think too hard about that).  He's just very polite and a little awkward and I can imagine one of those guys who does not want to cause anyone any trouble, kwim?  He has never stayed for one of the church lunches, I assume because of his gluten issues.

 

So I want to invite him separately** and ask him how I can help him to join us.  But I don't want to make him uncomfortable.  I want to tell him that I do not have a gluten-free kitchen, but can cook a gluten-free meal IF that works for him. (If just washing utensils and having no gluten food out is good enough.)  I also want him to know that he is welcome to bring his own food if that works best for him. 

 

But I don't want him to feel like he HAS to bring his own food, right?  I don't want him to even feel he HAS to come to lunch, though he seems like a nice guy and my family would like to get to know him better.  And the lunch is fun!  We have a good time together before we head out to do our thing.  He is friendly with other "regulars" so he wouldn't be stuck with just me and my family.  (Though he knows my son too.)  

 

I don't want to put him on the spot but I want to acknowledge the food situation and see if there is a way to accommodate him.  I know y'all don't know him, or me (obviously!) but in general how would you like to see this handled for yourself or your own kid?   What would make you feel comfortable and cared for?  But not weirded out. 

 

**ETA: want to reach out to him separately because sometimes when you're new, a personal invitation is better than an announcement, kwim?  

Edited September 13, 2016 by marbel

[Guest]

This happens to me alllll the time.  I much prefer to bring my own food, because it is more than just gluten that will set me off and it is waaaaay too complicated for someone to make sure they get everything right.  But I do love it when someone also says something like this:  "Is there something I could have on hand for you that is difficult to bring, but would make it easier for you to come?  Would you like some fruit, or a pot of rice or something?"  THAT has made it easier for me, and I appreciate it.  And I also think it gives the hostess a way to be kind...I like to do that when I am the hostess.  

 

If the only issue he has is gluten, even if he brings his own meal, you could always have ice cream in the fridge for dessert...no problemo there!

 

[marbel]

This happens to me alllll the time.  I much prefer to bring my own food, because it is more than just gluten that will set me off and it is waaaaay too complicated for someone to make sure they get everything right.  But I do love it when someone also says something like this:  "Is there something I could have on hand for you that is difficult to bring, but would make it easier for you to come?  Would you like some fruit, or a pot of rice or something?"  THAT has made it easier for me, and I appreciate it.  And I also think it gives the hostess a way to be kind...I like to do that when I am the hostess.  

 

If the only issue he has is gluten, even if he brings his own meal, you could always have ice cream in the fridge for dessert...no problemo there!

 

That is my plan!   Easy for me, pretty much everyone likes it, and most of them are safe.  

[Harriet Vane]

Just plunge in. Really. Tell him what you have said here: You have heard he follows a gluten-free diet. You are willing to try to accommodate that, but you understand if he may feel more comfortable bringing food. You're not sure exactly how sensitive his system is, so you are willing to talk this through with him. He's welcome either way, and you'd love to talk about what is the best plan. 

 

Offer to have an unopened container of ice cream or sorbet in the fridge either way. 

 

He deals with this all the time. He will likely be grateful that you want him to be comfortable. If you give him a safe space to express what he wants, he will probably be relieved.

 

(My sister has severe celiac, and my son was lactose intolerant for many years.)

[Butter]

Just tell him you'd be glad to make him a gluten free meal and let him decide if he wants to take you up on the offer.  Most Celiacs aren't going to ask you to go out of your way just for them, but are likely to say yes if you offer.

[Guest]

Most people with allergies would rather bring their own food - but I'd just corner him and ask away. Simply saying "hey! We would love for you to come and I know you have some dietary issues. We can get you a meal to your specifications if you'd like pry ours welcome to pack. What sounds good to you? There will be packaged gluten free dessert around regardless." *grin*

 

I've found even the shyest people like being engaged and talked to, especially privately. It can be hard for them to speak up for themselves without being given the opening. So I approach them and let it progress from there.

[sbgrace]

I would tell him you'd love to have him attend, and ask if there is food you could make or purchase that would be safe for him. Add that you're aware that many people with allergy or celiac issues prefer to bring their own food, and of course that would be completely fine. Re-iterate that you'd enjoy seeing him there. I'd send it, and then follow up in person later. I'm shy/introverted. I think having a heads up and time to think, with personal follow up would make it easier for him.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

He would probably rather bring his own food.  My DH can't eat gluten and if there is any cross contamination he will react (literally from just crumbs).

 

You could have a big bowl of fruit (canned pineapple, mandarin oranges, fresh banana, blueberries and strawberries) with a spoon that hasn't touched anything else. If that would make you feel better just to have something to offer.

 

 

 

 

[snickerplum]

I think offering to make something for him will open the door for him to accept or to say he'll bring his own. I'm sure he'll appreciate your thoughtfulness either way,

[eternalsummer]

If you are being open and polite and friendly about it, that is better than 75% of responses people with dietary restrictions get, and he will probably feel quite welcomed.  Whether he takes you up on it or not, it is a very kind gesture to make.

[heartlikealion]

I would consider having a store bought item in case he's worried about ingredients or prep. or the idea of having you cook for him makes him feel like he's imposing. I don't have allergies, but I might feel like someone I barely know is jumping through too many hoops if they are preparing a meal specifically with me in mind vs. picking up an item from the store that I can eat.

[marbel]

Thanks y'all.   This is helpful.  I'm formulating my email right now.   

 

I'm just a socially awkward person myself.  In my effort not to overwhelm/seem overbearing, I overthink how to do things.