How can I help my Dd with her shyness?

[lynn]

Her biggest problem is her shyness is leaving her lonely. Being lonely mixed with hormones = crying spells. It breaks my heart to see her struggle. I had all to do not to cry when I saw her being excluded from something because she won't speak up. I understand I can't fix everything for her but how can I help.

[Lisa R.]

How old is she? What are her main interests?

[lynn]

She is 11 next month. Some social anxiety. She gets a long with everyone but it's hard for her to step outside her comfort zone. She is realizing now what I told her a while back about talking to people who talk to her.

Edited September 12, 2016 by lynn

[emmaluv+2more]

Listening in as my 8 yr old DD is extremely shy as well.  Painfully so.

[catz]

I had social anxiety as a child that my parents and school labelled as shyness and introversion.  I'm actually not introverted.  I honestly suspect I developed in because I had an extremely poor fit for elementary school.  I wish my parents would have been more proactive with helping me build social skills, increasing my comfort zone, and possibly finding a meaningful diagnosis and therapy.   Might she be depressed to go with the introversion?  Going into puberty was the absolute worst time for me and I suspect depression was in the mix at that point. 

[OneStepAtATime]

Agree with others, shyness is one thing.  Social anxiety is much tougher to handle, especially going into the teen years.  Getting her professional help, maybe even a social skills class, might be far more effective than just trying to limp her along.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[kroe1]

Getting my shy one involved in the performing arts worked well. Acting and vocal lessons was the most helpful. It took about a year to see the changes, but was a ton cheaper than therapy. Our shy one went from unable to order food at a restaurant to easily performing in theater, singing solos, and giving monologues with ease. By the time she was at that level, she had been acting for several years. I will say, however, that at least for her, acting did not change the inherent shyness. It just made it a nonentity when she deals with others.

Edited September 12, 2016 by Minniewannabe

[heartlikealion]

Any chance she is intimidated by groups? I think a lot of us are. I don't know if this would be the best way to handle it, but I would probably try to pick out one person she's interested in being friends with or hanging out with and invite them over for a one on one play date. Then maybe another friend. Then maybe both friends at once. Basically building friendships outside of the large group so that when she does interact with the group she already has an established friend in the group. Might make it easier to interact. "Hey, Susie, what are you guys up to?"

[Carrie12345]

 I'd get counselling for social anxiety, tbh. Shyness is one thing, anxiety another, and she may need some extra tools to deal with social interactions. The teen years are a hard time to be socially anxious, kwim ?

 

We (dd and I) often did a lot of role playing, and I did a lot of coaching. It wasn't enough on its own and I regret not looking into a diagnosis and treatment way back. 

 

When I was younger, I was pretty shy, but now I can see that I also had some real social anxiety.  I didn't know what I was doing at the time, but I started observing others more carefully and then "role playing" in my own head, all sorts of situations.  It really worked!  My teen years were incredibly social, perhaps too much so.

 

If I could go back and change one thing, it would be to have adult (professional) guidance in the whole thing.  I sit here and say "It really worked," but it was based entirely on what I saw working best for my peers, which definitely included a good deal of misguided and obnoxious behaviors.  It took me a long time to figure out how to transition away from the things that weren't really "me" while still being a part of things.

 

Today, I'm not shy, but I am an introvert, and I still get some social anxiety in new situations. But I'm active in multiple RL groups with more than enough good relationships to keep me happy.

[J-rap]

I have one very shy one, though she was able to manage pretty well for a long time because she had three older sisters who took care of everything for her in many situations.  

 

Verifying her feelings was important for her to hear!  (And letting her know that I was mad at people who were unkind and left her out, too!)

 

Then, moving on and not dwelling too much on all of that, after acknowledging it.  

 

Then, moving on again to find things that she enjoyed that would build her self-confidence.  (And sometimes some role-playing.)

 

Being in choir, in theater, drawing, and getting a part-time job at a local coffeehouse once she turned 16 all helped.  Even just being home in a positive and encouraging atmosphere helped.

 

Finally now, in her second year of her second college, she said she feels confident enough to join a club.  :)  That brought a smile to my face!  

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

So I have a dd who is very outgoing and friendly. She has friends who are more introverted. Things that she sees that doesn't help:

 

Learn to converse. If your dd is struggling with the attention paid to her, she can turn the conversation back to the other person. With girls, clothes and compliments are a good thing. My dd gets very frustrated when she has to carry the bulk of the conversation trying to find anything to chat about. So if your dd can help out the chatting people it's good. "I like your hair. It's cute." and "Nice shoes, where did you get them?" are good starters. Your dd may need some help developing this skill. Have her memorize a few lines to start some conversations.

 

Smile. Try to look approachable and friendly.

 

Don't get frustrated with others when it's hard. My dd has friends who get angry or annoyed that others aren't including them. But these girls don't seem to try. They don't initiate. They have one word answers to questions. They're not approachable but blame others for that, calling the other girls snobs! Yeah, it's hard, but meet the other people halfway.

 

Try to set up activities that have a purpose where your dd can meet people. Working on a project, puzzle or game gives kids something to do and helps them relax.

 

This sounds bad, but sometimes shy people are perceived as snobs. I doubt they realize it but the aura they give off may seem to be judgey or something like that. Smiling and looking pleasant and laughing with the group will help this.

 

Your dd needs to look for a person in a group who looks as uncomfortable as she does and approach that person. I promise the other person will be so relieved to have someone to talk to, it won't matter if your dd says something awkward.

 

I tell my kids to be thinking of others when in a group. Try to not think of themselves. An others centered approach to life is irresistable.

 

Of course this stuff is just for plain old shyness, not necessarily social anxiety. If something else is going on, address that.

 

I get it. I was a very shy kid and teen. It took years of practice as an adult to figure out how to stop being so shy.

[lynn]

Thank you ladies.   Great advice and things to think about.   I know she has to do her part and admitted that she does have a few girls that are her friends but they are in a different class and she only see's them once a week during ACE class and one girl she sits with on the bus home.  Her hardest thing is the odd number in her class and teachers will say " find a partner and work on ....."   Dd said she  just gets to back by herself and works the project herself.    She did ask to change homerooms.   She likes school, likes learning, likes the projects she gets up and goes every day without a problem.  For this I am thankful.

[katilac]

I would consider therapy even if it doesn't cross the line into social anxiety. Cognitive based therapy is meant to be short term and results oriented; they will teach her specific ways to interact in a group and with other people, set up goals (I will talk to  someone at park day before they talk to me), and so on. 

 

A lot of what they do and advise will sound an awful lot like what you do and advise, lol, but hearing it from an objective, not-mom person can really help sometimes. 

 

Some insurance policies cover a limited number of sessions at no charge. 

[bullseye]

Sounds like me as a kid. One thing that really helped was hanging out one-on-one with other shy/quiet kids. Eventually I sort of realized, well, one of us has to start the conversation...

[catz]

Don't get frustrated with others when it's hard. My dd has friends who get angry or annoyed that others aren't including them. But these girls don't seem to try. They don't initiate. They have one word answers to questions. They're not approachable but blame others for that, calling the other girls snobs! Yeah, it's hard, but meet the other people halfway.

 

Try to set up activities that have a purpose where your dd can meet people. Working on a project, puzzle or game gives kids something to do and helps them relax.

 

This sounds bad, but sometimes shy people are perceived as snobs. I doubt they realize it but the aura they give off may seem to be judgey or something like that. Smiling and looking pleasant and laughing with the group will help this.

 

I agree with this.  I think it's easy to feel excluded when other kids are just picking the easy friends and doing what feels comfortable for them.  Reminding kids that friendship doesn't fall in your lap.  Engaging with people and being included is a 2 way street.  

 

Shy kids can come off as snobby to others for sure.  My son's shyest most quiet friend at his homeschool co-op definitely comes off as uppity - I can totally see it.  I think he's paralyzed with social anxiety but he is not approachable at all.  Fortunately he does have a very small circle of friends he will engage with now.  But if he'd learn to just smile and say hi, how's it going it would go a long way.

[lynn]

Old post but a little update. She auditioned for and got a part in the school play. She's with many of girls she interacts with best but calls them "acquaintances" and not friends. She still sits alone and reads at lunch or sits away from the girls at play rehearsal. Her pediatrician recommended counseling for social anxiety without me saying anything. Now finding that's another story. Who am I looking for. There does not seem to be any therapists who specializes in children, anxiety yes but not children with anxieties.

Edited February 7, 2017 by lynn

[Jean in Newcastle]

Did the pediatrician give any referrals? 

[school17777]

Old post but a little update. She auditioned for and got a part in the school play. She's with many of girls she interacts with best but calls them "acquaintances" and not friends. She still sits alone and reads at lunch or sits away from the girls at play rehearsal. Her pediatrician recommended counseling for social anxiety without me saying anything. Now finding that's another story. Who am I looking for. There does not seem to be any therapists who specializes in children, anxiety yes but not children with anxieties.

This sounds like my youngest dd. I did take her to a therapist, but I didn't think it make any difference and the school offered something that was similar to what the therapist was doing so we did that instead. I just ordered a workbook from Amazon with CBT steps in it for children's social anxiety. The therapist had us do a workbook in the same family on a different topic.

 

My dd doesn't consider herself shy, but everyone else does, if that makes any sense. She just had a concert last week and it was sad to see that all the other kids were excited to see each and pose for pictures together and hang out in the seats together, but dd was off on her own the whole time. It was heartbreaking to observe.

[gardenmom5]

helping her do things at which she can be successful will help her gain confidence and come out of her shell more.

 

how does she do in small groups?

 

I still am more comfortable in smaller groups - but there is also a noise/commotion factor in group size.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited February 10, 2017 by --Kathy--

[Farrar]

I think acting is great for kids who have shyness issues. So that would have been one of my suggestions. Doing a play together can be an intense experience that can help kids form good bonds too. It's part of how kids catch the theater bug. So that's good news, I hope.

 

We didn't have trouble finding a therapist who specialized in kids with anxiety. Can you ask on any local parent lists? Can you ask your kid's school guidance counselor? They often have resources and know who are the "good" people to see. If you can afford to go out of pocket for this, you'll have a lot more choices. A lot of insurances will pay some, but only after you've done it, filed the claims and the receipts, etc. etc. and you're basically taking a risk in the hope that they'll kick in part of your benefits for it. We've have mixed results on that - both times we've had a therapist, we went into it thinking, okay, we have to pay this and if the insurance reimburses, then that's a bonus.

[school17777]

It makes perfect sense to me. I was once called "shy" in junior high school by a (very extroverted) friend. She was telling another kid that, in front of me. I whipped around and exclaimed, "I am NOT shy!" Of course, I had no idea what I meant at the time. I just knew that what she was saying wasn't true.

 

Since then I've come to understand that I'm just very introverted - not 'shy'. There's a big difference. (I'm an INTJ, fwiw.)

 

And I would have been just like your dd when all the other kids were doing their group stuff - watching from a distance, studying the people and the surroundings, absorbing all of it.

 

You wouldn't happen to be an extrovert, would you? Sometimes the extroverts around me tend to treat me like there's something wrong with me if I'm not acting quite as animated as they are, or if I'm hanging more around the outskirts of a group, etc.

Whenever I take those personality tests, I come close to the center as you can get. I am would say that I am more extroverted than dd though. She does better one on one.