Feeling Totally Inadequate as Mom for this kid (JAWM?)

[RootAnn]

So, I know you guys have truly amazing & awesome kids. Mine are great little people, but pretty middle-of-the-road academically. We've had our challenges, but I'm feeling like one of mine would be so much better served by someone who knew what to do & had the ability & drive to do it.

 

DD#2 is a talented artist & her writing is getting better & better with each book she churns out.

 

We are incredibly fortunate to live near a patient & incredible nationally-known (in her field) artist who has taken DD under her wing for painting lessons. DD's teacher has encouraged her to put her work out on the 'net for exhibition, sale, and possible commissions. We are not techy. We have no interest in doing Facebook or any other social media. I'm out of my league with not knowing where to put her work or how to promote it.

 

I have a friend whose first published YA book is coming out next year. She's read one of DD's horse/girl series books, marked it up, and sent it back with the note that she thinks it is publishable (with the caveat that the horse/girl books are a very hard genre to get into because it is already so full). She's willing to help DD network & write a query letter to find an agent. DD has several other books in draft form - waiting for me to go through & edit them (mostly spelling, but also make comments on when I think something doesn't work or when she needs more dialog, description, or showing-not-telling). I'm more a math person (engineer by schooling) and editing is exhausting for me - so I can only do a little at a time before I burn out. It is not the first thing on my list of To Dos. She is interested in putting some of her books on Amazon and looking for a publisher for others, but she's waiting on me for help with formatting & setting up the accounts & such. (Plus, I'd have to look into what the law is on having a minor do this. I know there is at least one other Mom on here with a minor-age daughter who has done this. I just haven't gotten around to contacting her to ask for her wisdom.)

 

So, we have great people willing to help out, but I am overwhelmed & feel inadequate to the task of helping her (whether it be editing or coaching her through doing this stuff herself). I can't help but feel like if she had a different (super) mom, she'd be well on her way to being a published author/illustrator by the time she heads off to college. She's not a take-charge kid, so she isn't interested in doing all the nuts & bolts herself. She's a dreamy / imaginer and needs a lot of scaffolding. She's also not an academic kid. (She can write, but still struggles with spelling, for example.)

 

I don't know if this is a JAWM (reassure I'm not failing her) or suggestions on what I can do (realistically) to help her. (Some of you have kids who will do all these things by themselves. She simply cannot right now. It is beyond her (emotionally & developmentally). Perhaps she will need to grow into being able to do these things herself & will have to wait until she can before her dreams can be fully chased. So, you can suggest she just do them herself, but it isn't going to happen for several more years for sure. And probably not without help & scaffolding that I personally don't know how to provide right now. That's maybe the problem -- maybe I'm not capable of asking for help from the right people in order to get people to help her.)

[Critterfixer]

Actually, you are probably the very best kind of parent an artist can have. Supportive, caring, and willing to let her explore her talents without pushing her too much. 

She may be ready to publish now. Is she ready to be rejected, ready to have her work torn up, subjected to criticism, and editing until she can't remember the way it was? Because that is out there, too. She needs time to mature as a writer to handle those things. 

I recently sat through a lecture by a creative writing teacher that came to speak to our writers' group recently. What I took away from that meeting was a new debt of gratitude that I was not subjected to the kind of despondent attitude that blew everything off as non-publishable, and not worth writing. It is very easy to crush a young writer with too much instruction in how or what they should write. What young writers need, IMO, is a lot of beauty to see, and a lot of time to play with their craft.

Just my opinion, but I think she's fine taking time to work on her skills in a safe and loving environment. She's only going to get better the more she plays with writing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like you have provided her with access to some good writers who have given her encouragement and practical help.  I don't think that as parents we need to be experts in everything - we just need to be supportive just as you have been. 

[regentrude]

I can't help but feel like if she had a different (super) mom, she'd be well on her way to being a published author/illustrator by the time she heads off to college. She's not a take-charge kid, so she isn't interested in doing all the nuts & bolts herself. She's a dreamy / imaginer and needs a lot of scaffolding. She's also not an academic kid. (She can write, but still struggles with spelling, for example.)

 

I don't know if this is a JAWM (reassure I'm not failing her) or suggestions on what I can do (realistically) to help her. (Some of you have kids who will do all these things by themselves. She simply cannot right now. It is beyond her (emotionally & developmentally). Perhaps she will need to grow into being able to do these things herself & will have to wait until she can before her dreams can be fully chased. So, you can suggest she just do them herself, but it isn't going to happen for several more years for sure. And probably not without help & scaffolding that I personally don't know how to provide right now. That's maybe the problem -- maybe I'm not capable of asking for help from the right people in order to get people to help her.)

 

If she is not interested in working on getting published, it is not your responsibility to make that happen. So, she will just not be published for a few more years. I fail to see where the problem is.

If it is her dream, she will at some point do it or be the one who finds people who can help her. If she is not yet at that point developmentally, that is fine. If she is not published before she heads to college, that is a fate she shares with pretty much everybody else. It is not tragic. She can still work on honing her skills; you are giving her room and resources to do that. That is your responsibility as a mom. Not working to get her published.

If she has true talent, that will still be there when she is older. Doing work that is impressive for one's age is nice; doing work that is impressive without such caveat is better.

 

 

Edited September 11, 2016 by regentrude

[EKT]

I agree with Critterfixer! What is the rush in getting published?! I think that you should just let her enjoy the process and write and write and write to her heart's content. If she does this (write for the joy of it, as often as she wants to) for the rest of her homeschooling experience, think how capable she will be as a writer by the time she leaves your house and heads off to college! In my view, if she isn't the one feverishly combing the library, tracking down books about publishing and learning all about agents and contracts and all the nuts and bolts of the industry, then she's not ready to be published yet. Publishing at a young age would be a LOT to handle and if she's not the one driving the train, I wouldn't push it on her behalf. If she spends her entire life honing her craft, she will produce a better book at age 25 than she will now, and IMO, be more likely to secure a career for herself in the industry (if that's what she still wants years from now).

 

Short version: She's a talented kid who loves to write. Let her do that to her heart's content and give her time to mature. Worry about publishing later. You can be a great mom to this budding author by just doing what you're doing--supporting her interests and delighting in the beautiful work she creates. 

 

Edited for typos!

Edited September 12, 2016 by EKT

[ktgrok]

I'm a published author. Don't get her published now. Once you are published writing changes forever. You have deadlines, pressure, sales, etc. No way should a teen be worrying about all that unless it is her ultimate goal and she's the driving force behind it. Let her be a teen let her write, and get advice from your friend (not too much though...it's easy for one author to change too much that is voice, rather than stuff that needs to change for real.)

 

As for selling her art, meh. She could sell it at a local craft fair just as well as online, and maybe that's more your and her speed. I would not have a teen doing artwork on commission, again, it sullies the whole process. If she ends up writing or doing art for a living as an adult she'll have to deal with the commercial side then. Let her enjoy just focusing on the creative side now. 

 

All those podigies who do such amazing things at young ages? Look into how many end up depressed, etc. Not worth it. 

[Dmmetler]

On the self-publishing on Amazon side, the way we handled it was to approach one of the non-profits DD works with, and set them up as the recipient of all royalties from DD's print and e-books. That avoided a lot of tax consequences, and made DD happy since her snake books were going to help snakes :).

 

I agree with those above-as a parent of a passionate kid, find mentors, provide guidance, and be willing to put on brakes when needed. Sometimes mentors can push without realizing just how much they're pushing-they see a talented, able kid and want to move them forward, without recognizing that maybe the kid just wants to have fun and is happy where they are. Don't be afraid to say that it's OK for her to write her books for herself now.

 

And, if she does decide to publish on Amazon, please post so we can support her :).

[RootAnn]

Thank you all so much. She does want to be an author/illustrator and she pressures herself (as well as keeping after me to help her get her stuff to book-stage).

 

I feel so much better after reading all your comments. Much appreciated. (And if she does put something out on Amazon, I'll make sure to post here so you guys can check it out. Thanks.)

[ktgrok]

If she does publish, do the self publish thing on Amazon, and don't let her read reviews. 

[Tanaqui]

DEFINITELY do not let her read reviews omg, not unless they've been screened. The only reviews she should hear are those from whatever writing group or groups she's in and reviews from loving friends and family members. People feel like they can say any awful thing online to whoever, and some people really get off on being mean to others.

[PeterPan]

Just as sort of mom to mom talk, let's be honest.  What's the WORST that happens if you don't publish?  She has a drawer full of amazing things, gets mentored for years, doesn't get discouraged, and eventually it all pans out. (majors in english, takes a job with a publisher, whatever) Like there IS a good path forward that doesn't involve putting her out there or doing more than what you are now.  Personally, I'm not sure what good publishing does.  Then what happens, she sicks there bummed because only a few people buy the book? 

 

To me it sounds like you're doing a fabulous job connecting her with mentors, inspiration, resources.  It's really not necessary to be more than that, just optional.  It's like saying did I do a bum job with my ds taking him to swim lessons if he doesn't become Michael Phelps?  It's all good and we enjoyed what we did.

 

I think what you're doing is MARVELOUS, and I would treat it like a precious gift.  I would nurture it in a way that isn't likely to result in hurt or backfire.  Gifts make room for people.  You don't have to force it.  Over time, people will see her gift and it will open doors for her.  :)

Edited September 12, 2016 by OhElizabeth

[MomatHWTK]

One tip, go ahead and purchase the .com with her first and last name. I can't guarantee that it will be useful in 10 years to have it. But when DH researched, that was the way most artists and authors had their websites set up today. We are in a similar position to you, except without the mentors. DD has sold several small paintings. But sometimes I regret her letting those go. She only sold ones she was willing to sell though. So she made a deliberate choice. I have a book on my desk about copyright, etc. laws that I need to read through. Artwork copyright belongs to the artist but once it is online it is so easily stolen. : ( We are treading cautiously for that reason. 

 

I am in a few LinkedIn groups for book authors. If you want to passively learn more about the business side, you might join a LinkedIn or Facebook group and just follow along. I also know at least one company that assists folks to self-publish physical books. We are toying with a picture book featuring DD's artwork. If I ever get it off the ground, I'll try to remember to update. 

 

The whole thing is overwhelming. My DD is ready to get to work and launch her career and it is so much more complicated when they are under 18. 

[Dmmetler]

Just as sort of mom to mom talk, let's be honest. What's the WORST that happens if you don't publish? She has a drawer full of amazing things, gets mentored for years, doesn't get discouraged, and eventually it all pans out. (majors in english, takes a job with a publisher, whatever) Like there IS a good path forward that doesn't involve putting her out there or doing more than what you are now. Personally, I'm not sure what good publishing does. Then what happens, she sicks there bummed because only a few people buy the book?

 

To me it sounds like you're doing a fabulous job connecting her with mentors, inspiration, resources. It's really not necessary to be more than that, just optional. It's like saying did I do a bum job with my ds taking him to swim lessons if he doesn't become Michael Phelps? It's all good and we enjoyed what we did.

 

I think what you're doing is MARVELOUS, and I would treat it like a precious gift. I would nurture it in a way that isn't likely to result in hurt or backfire. Gifts make room for people. You don't have to force it. Over time, people will see her gift and it will open doors for her. :)

I will also add-this is another advantage of having the royalties go to an organization that will respond positively to small donations, and will be happy at getting $20/quarter (which is about what DD's first book has made. I think she hit $150 in royalties the first year, and that was only because I think her grandfather gave a copy of the book to everyone he knows, including his mailman and the clerk at the grocery store!)

 

I do suggest getting a book or two printed on CreateSpace or Lulu.com, even if you never put it out there for sale. It is SO COOL seeing your words in print, and it makes a nice gift to send to everyone you know. It also provides a big incentive for editing and cleaning up your work. DD donates a lot of books to charity auctions, etc, often with some of her art included. Last year, her donations ended up raising over $1,000, so it does add up. Mostly, I admit, because when people are at a charity auction, they're usually willing to donate money for something created by the cute kid, so a $10 book on Amazon that had an Author price of $5 can easily go for $50 on the auction block.

[MerryAtHope]

I'm a published author. Don't get her published now. Once you are published writing changes forever. You have deadlines, pressure, sales, etc. No way should a teen be worrying about all that unless it is her ultimate goal and she's the driving force behind it. Let her be a teen let her write, and get advice from your friend (not too much though...it's easy for one author to change too much that is voice, rather than stuff that needs to change for real.)

 

As for selling her art, meh. She could sell it at a local craft fair just as well as online, and maybe that's more your and her speed. I would not have a teen doing artwork on commission, again, it sullies the whole process. If she ends up writing or doing art for a living as an adult she'll have to deal with the commercial side then. Let her enjoy just focusing on the creative side now. 

 

All those podigies who do such amazing things at young ages? Look into how many end up depressed, etc. Not worth it. 

 

I want to like this post 5 times over!

 

RootAnn, your daughter is what, 13? I think you're being way too hard on yourself as far as what you're able to do and provide! You are not inadequate! (I think the secret is that many kids make many of us feel inadequate at one time or another, no matter how amazing everything sounds online.)