Grumbling during lessons

[fairy4tmama]

Can we talk about grumbling during lessons? My nine year old is in such a tween place, she has taken to grumbling very negatively about her lessons several times a week. "I HATE this" "This sucks, why do we even have to do this." "This is stupid" now she IS doing the work this is not a refusal or non compliance issue.

 

With my older kids this kind of grumbling was (when it happened) paired with compliance issues and had specific consequences. Full disclosure I tend toward a question authority mentality; I have encouraged my kids to question and dissent. But this is really negative, not constructive and basically just complaining. I have talked with her about why it is disrespectful. 

 

I would love to hear some "scripts" that others have used to respond to grumbling.

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 5, 2016 by cathey

[HomeAgain]

"This has been coming out of your mouth a lot lately, and I don't feel it's very healthy for you.  When people focus on the negative it makes them see things as worse than they are.  I know you don't like it - what I need to hear from you before I listen to any more negative is one positive thing about the work.  It can be anything you want, but don't expect me to listen until you're ready to think of one thing good about it."

 

And I walk away.  I really do refuse to entertain any more grumbling after that and ignore it completely.

[Syllieann]

If the grumbling is phrased as a question, I say that I will be happy to answer after the thing has been done. For example, "ugh, why do I have to clean my room right now?" Will be answered with, "I'll be happy to tell you when you've done it." Of course, he doesn't really want an answer. He just wants to make me listen to his complaining.

 

Other questions, which might be legitimate if they didn't already know the answer get a different reply. "Ughhhhhh, why do I have to take a shower?" will get the reply, "I've told you the answer several times. If I need to tell you again, you can write it down so you don't forget."

 

A plain complaint about something that simply must be done such as, " ugh, I hate this" stomp. Stomp. might get, "Thank you for sharing," delivered with a huge cheesy grin.

[Susan in TX]

Depending on the situation, I might empathise and say something like "I know you hate this and you think it is stupid." Sometimes kids just want to be heard and acknowledging their feelings helps.

 

If they are going overboard with the negativity, I calmly tell them that I don't like the bad attitude, and if they can't stop the complaining I tell them to go to their room until they are able to have a better attitude.

 

Susan in TX

 

[Guest]

That drives me nuts, though thankfully we don't get much here it does happen with one kid in particular.

 

I usually just remind them that this is our daily job and we're going to do it well, that I don't love everything I have to do each day either but grumbling just makes it take longer. Sometimes I change the subject or give them a short break to dance around and get the sillies out, which usually makes them forget they're grumbling at all.

[Mabelen]

My 12 year old dd is like this too. I acknowledge her feelings but then it is time to move on and do the darned thing! I usually remind her it takes her as much time to grumble and be unhappy than to just do the actual work. If that doesn't help her stop and start her work, I just plainly tell her "enough negativity, now it's time to do your work, no more complaining allowed".

 

ETA I usually try to be preemptive and give her a lot of positive attention and love at the beginning of the day and when she comes home from school. That always helps, 12 has been a trying age so far!

Edited September 8, 2016 by Mabelen

[fralala]

I don't have a good answer, but I've found it's never productive for me to address it in the moment (for an older kid). It's better for me to ignore, walk away, go to a place where I cannot be the recipient of grumbles or scowls if possible, and then talk about it later once schoolwork has been finished to try to figure out what's going on. Otherwise I'm afraid it just becomes a way to postpone doing the grumbled-about work because butting heads with mom is more entertaining. When we do talk, I do so when I'm in a calm and accepting mood and ready to listen...which sometimes takes a few days, actually.

[Momto6inIN]

 

Other questions, which might be legitimate if they didn't already know the answer get a different reply. "Ughhhhhh, why do I have to take a shower?" will get the reply, "I've told you the answer several times. If I need to tell you again, you can write it down so you don't forget."

 

 

 

I love this. So much.

[Miss Tick]

Sometimes I have a frank, but long-winded explanation about how I can feel the ire rising in me when the grumbling starts, and while I feel the same way sometimes, so I can sympathize, you should know upfront that it makes me unreasonably angry and I don't always handle that super well. It doesn't always fix it, but sometimes I'm surprised at how much better i am at handling the grumbles - for a while.

[SanDiegoMom]

I talk to my complainer about the danger of formal neural pathways every time he complains-) Not rock solid on the science, but I tell him that the more he complains about something, the less he's able to judge it on its own merits because he's formed a neural pathway that connects the activity with unhappiness, even though he might change his opinion about it over time. My complainer (also my glass is always half empty kid) goes to swim practice. Every time he complains about going and how he doesn't like it, but he always comes home refreshed and happy. So we talk about how saying that he hates swim every time when really he hates having to leave whatever he's playing or he hates being anxious about what time it starts creates a bad association with the actual event. So I tell him if every time he says " I am so glad I get to exercise tonight and feel good about myself" he will create a more positive association. He hasn't bought it yet though:-)

 

Also could be the age or a phase. My twins complained a lot more about school at 9 than at 10. Maybe it's developmental?

[Another Lynn]

(I first read this as "Gambling during lessons" and I thought, "Well, is it a probability lesson?")   :leaving:

[momacacia]

I think if after having a good discussion about it, as mentioned several times above, you don't see change, you can always assign additional work; another page of math, etc. Not in an "I'll give you something to complain about" tone, but "here, complaining gets more work assigned, because in the real world it's a lot harder to get along in life as a complainer." And, it's true.

[PeterPan]

Well since it hasn't been mentioned, another way to handle it is to assume there's some validity to her criticism (since of course you HAVE taught her to be a thinker!) and ask her to problem solve.  Ask her what she would change.  Tell her the parameters of what you're trying to accomplish, show her where the flex is, and let HER think up the solution.  Then, if she doesn't have a workable solution, fine, shut up and do it.  If she does, then you've solved the problem amicably.

 

Some things are stupid or maybe have just become boring and we don't see it yet.  It's not a crime for her to see it and let it slip out.  But it's not enough to grumble; she actually needs to offer a solution and try to solve the problem.  You can even open yourself up to feedback and say ok, on Fridays we give feedback.  I used to solicit feedback during walks.  So I wasn't open in the moment, but I was very open during our walk.

[dragonflyer]

My response usually denies ANY complaining - it is a pet peeve, but I will try to add a statement like: if you really feel there is a problem with your work that you need to discuss, I will be available at X time, but if you continue whining now that it is time to do the work you will be assigned extra work.

[stutterfish]

Why don't you ask her what she would like to change to make it better/more interesting/more purposeful?

 

I would go with the assumption that grumbling in an otherwise compliant child, probably has a valid reason beneath it. If I'm unable to give a child a good reason for why I think an exercise/curriculum/question/approach has a purpose, then maybe they shouldn't be doing what I'm giving them. I think there are times when we get a bit stuck in a rut with what we give our kids to do, maybe choose the option that is easiest or best for us, and sometimes that decision needs to be revisited and freshened up.

 

Edit: hadn't read the rest of the thread and just noticed this has already been suggested. :)

Edited September 10, 2016 by stutterfish

[fairy4tmama]

I just wanted to thank you all for your wonderful suggestions, they are just what I was looking for.

 

Edited September 11, 2016 by fairy4tmama