Roommates. Mostly just a rant

[Only me]

My daughters have the worst luck with roommates. My oldest had 4 different roommates. The first was her freshman roommate and was assigned to her. They got along ok but didn't become friends which is fine. The next year and a half she shared a dorm with a good friend. The first year was great, although her friend seemed to be over invested in my daughter's life. It ended with that girl theatening my daughter, pushing her (she is twice the size of my dd) and at the end left a knife (a large one not allowed on campus) pointed at my daughter's picture. Their friendship fell apart because that girl was super controlling of my daughter and didn't want her to hang out with other friends and constantly wanted to know where my daughter was. There was more to it but in summary they went from best friends to my daughter being scared of her. .

 

The next year my daughter shared an apartment with a girl she met in class. Again they seemed to get along fine until they moved in. The other girl wanted complete control of the apartment (where to put the dishes, when to run the dishwasher, what to watch on the main TV, how to decorate including not allowing my daughter to have any of her things in the living room. She got mad one night when she took the silverware from the dishwasher and there were marks on them. She said somehow they were my daughter's finger prints-um no it's hard water marks. If my daughter stuck up for herself this girl would get very mad. By the end of the year the girl ended up labeling everything of hers in the apartment and wouldn't let dd use any of her appliances. So my daughter couldn't use her toaster but this girl thought she could use my daughter's microwave. She even tried to put a tape line through the apartment saying where my dd could go. It was so crazy. Last year luckily she had a great roommate.

 

Second dd transferred to her current university and shared an apartment with 3 other girls. Two of the original girls were upset when the apartment management wouldn't let their boyfriends move in free of charge. The other girls didn't even know them and they wanted them to stay 24/7. One of those girls moved out but the other one still constantly had her boyfriend living there-using their shared bathroom, eating their food and was just around constantly. He was also from another culture where they didn't flush toilet paper and would throw it out. His girlfriend did so I'm sure she could have spoken up. It was just so unpleasant for the other roommates. Second semester another girl moved in to replace the original girl who left. I suppose this is pretty normal in college but they were always making pot brownies. So not only were they always drunk but they were always high-just a bit annoying.

 

Anyway so now this dd just moved into her apartment yesterday. She has different roommates than last year. She was supposed to move in with two friends and one of their friends. Unfortunately her two friends ended up deciding to live in another apartment off campus but my dd didn't find out until the summer. It would not have worked for my dd to live with them since it was a year lease. So she is rooming with one girl she sort of knows (a friend of the original two) and then 2 other random roommates. Since we live the furthest away my daughter had an earlier move in slot than the others. She moved her dishes etc into the kitchen being very careful to only take her share of the cabinets and in fact taking less than she could.

 

Last night the other roommate came into the kitchen and started rearranging everything. She doesn't want people to have their own cabinets and wants everything together. My daughter already told this girl over the summer she didn't want to do it that way. Last year people would use her dishes and pans and they would always be dirty when she needed them. They each bought appliances like a toaster and will share that but my dd wants to use her own mugs etc. My daughter said she doesn't mind if people ask to borrow something but doesn't want them to just take it. Two of her pots were ruined last year and several items were taken at the end of the year. She wants her things like Tupperware kept separate so she can use it when she needs it. Most of the people my dd knows who live in an on campus apartment like that with people they don't really know well do it my daughter's way with each having their own drawers/cabinets. They have plenty of space so it's not a problem. That way there is less of a problem with people using things that aren't theirs and are needed by the other person.

 

My daughter tried to speak up but this girl just giggled and said she was OCD and would be rearranging the kitchen several tomes during the year. I know there are worse things to worry about buy my dd just wishes this girl would leave things alone. She feels if she really puts her foot down this girl will get very upset. She doesn't want to start the year off bad since she has to live with her. On the other hand she doesn't want to start a pattern where this girl thinks she can control the apartment. As it is there is a rule for no overnight guests for the first week but her boyfriend already spent the night last night and will again tonight. That's also a problem since it sounds like she plans on having him there every weekend.

 

I just don't understand how some people can just think about themselves. I also don't understand why my girls always seem to end up with bad roommates. I swear they are nice girls, keep their stuff clean and are considerate. This is mostly a rant but I was wondering if others have this problem. Of course my dd is dealing with it and it's not really my problem but I feel a bit sorry for her.

[gingersmom]

I feel your pain. Last year (freshman year) my daughter was in a quad (4 girls).

 

One girl left after one week and was replaced by another girl who was never there.

 

The other two became best friends and one of them made it her mission to bully my daughter the entire year.

 

Countless times she spoke to RA which was useless. The RA was shocked, would talk to the girl and it would start all over again.

 

My daughter studied in library or in friends rooms, rarely invited her own friends to her room and just spent time in her friends rooms.

 

This year she is rooming with friends (in fact her whole floor is girls she is friends with) and it is 100% better.

 

The bully girl from last year was bragging on Facebook about bullying my daughter last year. Such a sad pathetic person she must be.

 

I keep telling my son he wants a single when he goes to college to avoid roommate issues. He thinks I'm overreacting.

 

I hope it gets better!!!

[Wheres Toto]

OP - does your daughter have her own bedroom in the apartment?  I'd be tempted to tell her to keep her dishes, etc. in her room.  That way roommate can arrange the cabinets to her heart's content.

 

Dd didn't have too much bad luck with roommates.  Freshman year they got along okay until about 1/2 way through the year, then it got all weird. Nothing scary just uncomfortable.

 

Sophomore year she roomed with a friend she knew since 3rd grade.  They had the occasional argument but they had been friends so long they were used to working out disagreements.

 

Junior year she was in an apartment with 4 of her sorority sisters but had a private bedroom and there were no issues.

 

Senior year in an apartment again, sharing a bedroom with the friend from sophomore year and two other sorority sisters and there were no issues.

 

The girls were talking about renting a house together now that they've graduated but I don't think its going to work out for financial reasons.

[vonfirmath]

OP - does your daughter have her own bedroom in the apartment?  I'd be tempted to tell her to keep her dishes, etc. in her room.  That way roommate can arrange the cabinets to her heart's content.

 

This is what one friend did who lived in a house with several occupants and a shared kitchen. He kept his dishes in his room. Dishes in the kitchen ended up shared, and thus not usable when needed.

[happypamama]

Ugh, I'm sorry. I didn't like having roommates either. I was much happier the year and a half I had a single.

[Only me]

She will probably keep at least some of her dishes in her room. Good idea. Unfortunately she has a very small room and already is keeping her non-perishable food in there so there isn't much room. One good thing is that my dd is extra tall. Apparently the girl didn't move items that my dd had in one of the upper cabinets above the fridge. I don't think she can reach it. So hopefully she will at least leave that cabinet alone. It is small and will only hold a few things but it's better than nothing.

[Only me]

Does anyone know if there is a type of marker that can be used on pots and pans etc and is still able to be used on the stove/oven and in the dishwasher? Since the roommate insists on having everything mixed dd wants to write her name on the pans etc. That way at the end of the year she can prove what is hers especially if the items are similar.

 

She is going to keep some things in her room but she will still need to use the dishwasher and this way it will be clear what is hers. She doesn't mind sharing certain things but wants certain items like Tupperware to always be available for her. She has a long lab day and won't have time to get back to her appt so she will need to pack her lunch.

[Corraleno]

You can use a Sharpie on plastic, like Tupperware. It will wear off after a few trips through the dishwasher, but she can just keep renewing it when it starts to wear off (DS does this with his sports bottles). For darker colored plastic, silver Sharpie works well. For metal pots and pans I might try one of those little engraving tools that you can write with (kind of like an electric pen). She could write her name or initials or some other identifying mark in a discreet spot under the handle.

Edited September 3, 2016 by Corraleno

[Only me]

You can use a Sharpie on plastic, like Tupperware. It will wear off after a few trips through the dishwasher, but she can just keep renewing it when it starts to wear off (DS does this with his sports bottles). For darker colored plastic, silver Sharpie works well. For metal pots and pans I might try one of those little engraving tools that you can write with (kind of like an electric pen). She could write her name or initials or some other identifying mark in a discreet spot under the handle.

Great idea! Thanks!

[Wheres Toto]

Sharpie also makes oil-based paint pens.  We used one to label our kayaks and canoes.  It might still need occasional renewing but it will probably last longer than regular Sharpie.

[ThisIsTheDay]

My daughter tried to speak up but this girl just giggled and said she was OCD and would be rearranging the kitchen several tomes during the year. I know there are worse things to worry about buy my dd just wishes this girl would leave things alone. She feels if she really puts her foot down this girl will get very upset. She doesn't want to start the year off bad since she has to live with her. On the other hand she doesn't want to start a pattern where this girl thinks she can control the apartment. As it is there is a rule for no overnight guests for the first week but her boyfriend already spent the night last night and will again tonight. That's also a problem since it sounds like she plans on having him there every weekend.

 

 

She needs to keep what she wants in her own room. I know space is tight. She's in a single, right? She doesn't need to make a scene over it, she can just move her things into her room and bring out what she needs. My dd did this last year. She didn't mind sharing her things, but it bothered her when her one pan would be left in the sink unwashed, and she'd have to wash it before using. She also has nice dishes and was concerned after seeing how they were handled. It was just one roommate (out of the 4 girls) who was careless. She bought another shelving unit for storage, and it worked well.

 

My dd's had 10 roommates over the past three years and currently, no repeats. She's never had any partier roommates, thankfully. One boyfriend was around a lot, but it wasn't a problem. This year, all girls are seniors, and all are in a new group, still trying to find people they really want to live with (!). She just wants people to chill out, take care of their messes/things, and be nice. She doesn't care if they become real friends or not, so some probably see her as aloof or not friendly.

[Only me]

She needs to keep what she wants in her own room. I know space is tight. She's in a single, right? She doesn't need to make a scene over it, she can just move her things into her room and bring out what she needs. My dd did this last year. She didn't mind sharing her things, but it bothered her when her one pan would be left in the sink unwashed, and she'd have to wash it before using. She also has nice dishes and was concerned after seeing how they were handled. It was just one roommate (out of the 4 girls) who was careless. She bought another shelving unit for storage, and it worked well.

 

My dd's had 10 roommates over the past three years and currently, no repeats. She's never had any partier roommates, thankfully. One boyfriend was around a lot, but it wasn't a problem. This year, all girls are seniors, and all are in a new group, still trying to find people they really want to live with (!). She just wants people to chill out, take care of their messes/things, and be nice. She doesn't care if they become real friends or not, so some probably see her as aloof or not friendly.

Exactly. This is what my daughter wants too. She thinks the roommate is truly OCD so she is trying to be understanding and not make a big deal about it. She is moving what she can out of the kitchen and into her room while the roommate is out. Her room is very small but she said she can squeeze some things under her futon. Thank goodness she can loft her bed this year.

[kathkath]

Take a picture of all her stuff for record keeping and keep it in her room. Bad roommates are the pits. Tell her not to feed he drama.

[hopskipjump]

Oh, wowwwww. These roommate stories!! :sad: :scared:  That stinks!!! Hope that your dd is able to find a happy middle-ground and that hopefully the new roommate is just overly-excited about organization right now and will chill out big-time as the days turn into weeks.

[*LC]

Oh, wowwwww. These roommate stories!! :sad: :scared:  That stinks!!! Hope that your dd is able to find a happy middle-ground and that hopefully the new roommate is just overly-excited about organization right now and will chill out big-time as the days turn into weeks.

 

 

That is exactly what I was thinking. I'm sorry that things are not off to a good start; I hope it gets better. 

 

My oldest had decent luck with roommates. She is in the same apt senior year as she was junior year with same 3 roommates.  One of them is never there, and I think they prefer it that way. 

 

So far, so good for my freshman. 

 

 

The girls were talking about renting a house together now that they've graduated but I don't think its going to work out for financial reasons.

 

Interesting. Are they all staying local after graduation or moving to the same place? At least two of my senior's roommates will graduate with her in the spring. However, she is moving far away after graduation and another is military, so who knows where she will be. The third is from a state 15 hours away, so she may return closer to home after graduation. All four are out-of-state students, so that could make a difference. I have a friend whose daughter is in-state rooming with a high school friend for the 3rd year. I can see them rooming together if they move back to their hometown after graduation.