Help for young adult who is struggling and undiagnosed

[Catherine]

Long story, but to summarize, my dh and I are de facto parents to our nephew, who is 27.  He has lived with us on and off since he graduated from high school at 18.  I am at a loss as to how to help him.  He left home (was made to leave) after he graduated and lived in the streets for 8 months until he came to live with us.  A few months later he went through a program at the Center for Urban Families that is mostly for deadbeat dads threatened with jail, and other small time criminals who are there by court order. The program only lasts for 3 weeks but more than half of them do not complete it-he did, and was able to get a job (with the help of their counselors) soon after.  That was brief and he then found work at a grocery store, a national chain, where he had stable employment for 18 months.  He was eventually fired for excessive absenteeism.  He now reports he did that intentionally because he was getting sick of it.

 

Since then he's had very large gaps in his employment, sometimes working for a few months stocking shelves, or in a meat processing plant, or in a warehouse.  He's been fired three times now, once for absenteeism, once for making a complaint about his boss (the owner of the company-small family business) that sounds tenuous at best, and once for simply not being what they were looking for (after about  6 weeks helping his apartment building manager as an assistant handyman).

 

He is very bright.  He taught himself to read before kindergarten, plays and composes piano music well, and is an accomplished artist (he went to an arts-enriched high school).  He is also an excellent and creative cook.  However, he has consistently refused to pursue any paid employment relating to any of these skills.  He says his dream is to design video games.  In reality, he mostly just PLAYS them a lot, but he has the rudiments of a simple game, after 11 years of supposedly working on it, that is not ready for publication.  

 

Right now he is leaving a temporary place where he illegally lived with friends and contributed to their rent, and is moving into an unoccupied house as a squatter-he's been allowed to stay there on month.  So, he is homeless, basically.

 

We've told him many times that we would help him to pay for community college and he has consistently declined.  I am asking for help because:

 

1. he asks for financial help very regularly

2. I suspect he has a diagnosis-personality disorder?  Aspie? and I wonder if we could find any community resource for him without a formal diagnosis

3. He is clearly capable of some things 

 

I am at a loss.  Any ideas?

[maize]

Tough one.

 

I'm having trouble seeing how anything can change unless he wants it to change.

 

I'd add ADHD to your list of possible underlying issues.

 

Maybe contact a local homeless shelter and ask about resources to get people on their feet? Goodwill I know is one place that will train people who struggle with employment. Sounds like be is bored with menial employment though and badly needs to find some motivation.

 

No history of substance abuse?

Edited September 1, 2016 by maize

[Catherine]

He smokes some weed and drinks a bit, but not excessively, from what I can see.  He says he wants things to change, but has trouble identifying any path toward more stability. He used to have wildly unrealistic ideas about businesses he could use to support himself (selling homemade lip gloss was one of them); now, he is somewhat more realistic, but still really lacking in any sensible idea about how to support himself.  

[kbutton]

Does he qualify for Medicaid? If so, would he maybe see a psychologist? A social worker? (Some can diagnose a few learning/social issues.) The local hospital may have a social worker that would have ideas--they work a lot with non-compliant patients (for whatever reason) and indigent or semi-indigent folks.

 

I would definitely consider ADHD, and ADHD doesn't rule out some kind of autism spectrum disorder--you can have both. I really recommend this book or something like it (it's written for married couples, but it addresses a lot of the things you are talking about, like serial job loss): https://www.amazon.com/Stopping-Coaster-Someone-Attention-Disorder/dp/0981548709

 

 

[Innisfree]

So, when he asks for financial help... Are you giving it?

 

This is hard. I mean, we talk about kids, and ask what their "currency" is when we try to decide how to motivate them. He sounds like he is willing to accept homelessness rather than working as, say, a cook, or in any of these other boring but useful jobs he's had.

 

So, is he having to accept that those decisions lead to homelessness, (presumably) no video game access, and other assorted discomforts? Or are you (understandably) having a hard time letting his decisions lead inevitably in that direction, and coming through with financial help?

 

I'm currently reading Temple Grandin's new book. The Loving Push, which is about nudging teens and young adults who are on the spectrum toward independence. It might be worth a look for you. There is a chapter on the tendency aspie guys have toward video game addiction.

 

I wonder if CBT might be useful in helping him recognize the errors in his patterns of thought.

 

Hugs. What a tough spot.

 

Editing to add that I hope the above doesn't sound too heartless, or like I don't understand what a very difficult spot you are in, whether or not you help support him.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Innisfree

[Catherine]

He did not ask for money for about 6 months, until last month, and at that time, we told him that our financial support was over.  He did not ask this month, but I know he is out of cash.  Yes, of course he is aware that his choices are causing him hardship.  My question is more about how to help someone who clearly is not able to make productive decisions and implement them.  He has done somewhat better in the past when he is stably employed.  

 

 

[Innisfree]

((Hugs))

 

Could you help him pursue a diagnosis?

Edited September 2, 2016 by Innisfree

[nature girl]

I agree that the most important thing for him at this point would be to pursue a diagnosis. If the diagnosis is ADHD, or ADHD with a comorbid issue, medication could help so much to motivate him, and help him stay with a job or pursue any future training/education. At the very least, with a diagnosis he may be able to get SSI income.

Edited September 3, 2016 by nature girl

[Heathermomster]

In my state, there are vocational rehab offices specifically designed to help individuals who have some sort of disabling condition. Maybe see if there is something similar where you live and discover the paperwork that he needs to qualify.

 

When my DS was evaluated by the Ph.D Neuropsychologist, I asked her whether she tested many adults, and she told me yes. Many adults grow up with undiagnosed SLDs and struggle with keeping a job and general EF issues.

 

I don't understand the mental health side of testing though. Where do undiagnosed adults on the spectrum turn? IDK, but it seems like our current mental health system is lacking.