5LittleMonkeys Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 A light rain trickled through the fall leaves orange like a sunset hanging above my head. Thanks!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 It is lovely and poetic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 If you want to make it clearer, you could do this: A light rain trickled through the fall leaves, orange like a sunset, hanging above my head. Personally, depending on the type of writing, I like the free flowing original. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 A light rain trickled through the fall leaves orange like a sunset hanging above my head. A light rain trickled through the orange fall leaves hanging above my head like a sunset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 A light rain trickled through the orange fall leaves hanging above my head like a sunset. This is a perfectly nice, correct sentence. But I don't like it near as well as the original. That one sounded so much more romantic :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 The original is a run-on though, right? It reads as if "like a sunset" refers to "trickled". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arctic Bunny Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 A light rain trickled through the fall leaves - orange like a sunset hanging above my head. That's my poetic version :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 The original is a run-on though, right? It reads as if "like a sunset" refers to "trickled". Poetic license--I find the original quite evocative. There is cool stuff you can do with language when you dare to step outside of arbitrarily constructed rules :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 (edited) NM, asked and answered! Edited August 25, 2016 by OKBud Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5LittleMonkeys Posted August 25, 2016 Author Share Posted August 25, 2016 Thanks! As the person evaluating this student's writing I'm trying to "teach" mechanics without squelching creativity. I think I like the hyphen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 25, 2016 Share Posted August 25, 2016 Em dash http://www.thepunctuationguide.com/em-dash.html Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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