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Quill

My tongue has a hole in it...

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Because I am biting it. *sigh*

 

Okay, look. I know I'm a neatfreak and that gives me no insight as to how DD can be totally unconcerned that her stuff is in no way organized and ready to go back to college. But, come on!

 

DD leaves tomorrow for a week-long beach trip with her BF and his family. She is working all day today. Her plan was to have all but her clothing packed and ready to roll before taking the six-hour drive tomorrow to the ocean. At present, it's all still a disorganized jumble of open Totes half-filled, the animal crackers from last semester which are no doubt stale, shoes and boots and ski jacket and every other thing thrown everywhere in a hot mess. Her printer is still in my office, a fact she does not appear to have even noticed. I don't want it to fail to get packed because it's not ready with her other (unready) piles of stuff.

 

So I don't want to be the Organizing Dictator; she hates it when I do that and she's 19 and should not be subject to that at this point anyway. But holy moly, it's stressing me out. I'm envisioning her coming home from her lovely vacation, only to feel harsh reality as she faces a billion disorganized things that have to be packed and driven to school the day after she returns from vacay.

 

Sometimes, I'm glad this child does not have my anxiety problems, but other times, I wonder if it would hurt. ;)

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I thought you were going to tell us you got a tongue piercing.  :lol:

 

Sorry that's not the case. Sigh. 

 

 

Emily

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Lol, poor Quill. You've just gotta let her own it. Shut the door, move on and ignore. Wine helps. Or ice cream.

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That's what it was like with my dd who was leaving on a semester abroad in Africa.  I could not imagine for the life of me that she would actually be ready.  Somehow, she was, and I've learned that this is how she operates and it usually works out fine.  :)

 

 

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I can also relate. Up until the last minute, dd was still dawdling around, packing a little of this and a little of that. It almost drove me crazy. I told dh how hard it was for me to sit there and watch. I am good at organizing, packing and all that stuff. I knew that she would wait until the last minute and then it would become a family crisis, not just her crisis. Because even if only one of us is at fault, we all pitch in to help avert the crisis, if needed. That has been our dynamic for a long time. It is very hard to switch from that to a sink or swim on your own merit/effort model, even if we know it is best for her.

 

I think that is one of the reasons I am still unsettled regarding her departure. I keep holding my breath, wondering whether she will call at midnight Sunday night or 6:00am Monday morning and tell me she forgot her books or something else really important.

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My dd loves to organize and pack, however she got stuck when she felt too overwhelmed. I ended up sitting on her bed folding clothes for her while she did everything else. She had very organized lists and whenever she got to something she needed that was loose in the house somewhere, I'd go find it while she kept packing. I don't think I was ever that organized, but she still needed me present with her to make it happen.

 

Ds doesn't pack. He moves in tomorrow and his room (which I've been asking him to clean in preparation for packing) was still a mess. I just moved in for an hour or two after lunch today. I made him go through the closet, through the chest of drawers, through the books, etc. but without me in the room saying, "So can you get the underwear and socks you are taking into that duffle?", nothing would ever actually get packed. Nothing.

 

They are all different. Chocolate. I'm pretty sure the answer is chocolate. Once my last one is moved out, I'm going to have to go on a diet. 

Edited by Momto2Ns
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Lol, poor Quill. You've just gotta let her own it. Shut the door, move on and ignore. Wine helps. Or ice cream.

 

Throw her printer in there before you shut the door and move on. :)

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Yep.  We're driving our two sons to college tomorrow morning and neither are packed or even close to it.  It makes me a nervous wreck, but I can't do anything about it.  They know when we're leaving and what needs to be done.  I packed some, made them lists, did their laundry, and the rest is up to them.  It's going to be a madhouse here at the last minute.  

 

 

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Throw her printer in there before you shut the door and move on. :)

It's funny, because I was debating today - do I move the printer over with her other stuff or wait to see if she thinks of it? On the other hand, I really do NOT want to have to ship it or whatever if she forgets it, so...

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I can relate to your daughter.

 

I think ultimately you may have to just shut the door & let it go, but I have to ask first - have you ever explicitly taught her how to pack in an organized way?  Not meaning to be insulting if this is a duh, of course question.  I ask because my mom would get very frustrated with me and my lack of natural organization, but she didn't even teach me.  She only complained loudly, shouted vague (to me) instructions and then sighed at my ineptitude. (not saying you do this)  I finally figured out how to do it as an adult and now I explicitly teach my kids how to do it.  They don't have to do it my way and they don't even have to do it at all, but I know that they know how.  So I feel much better about shutting the door & letting it go, because I know that it's about their choices and not about their abilities.

 

If that doesn't apply to you, just ignore.

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Let it all go. Shut the door to her room and walk away. But double check before she leaves that she didn't forget anything that'll be expensive to mail for your own sake. If it's something that she can replace at the college, then don't worry about it. Let her replace it at the college.

 

Quill, I was married and in my own apartment at 19 after having been working full time for 3 years. Cooked all my own meals, did my own laundry, paid my own bills, got myself up to work (45 minute commute each way). I bought a house at 21.

 

She can handle the drudgery of packing all in one day. It's the only way she'll learn to plan ahead. Or not! Maybe she likes living by the seat of her pants.

 

Just don't let her failure to plan cause you an expense. And you can even ask her not to leave a big mess for you to clean up. She can throw away her own trash and take it to the can. Not being mean, but seriously...I was married and 100% independent at 19. She can pack and tidy up. :).

Edited by Garga
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I can relate to your daughter.

 

I think ultimately you may have to just shut the door & let it go, but I have to ask first - have you ever explicitly taught her how to pack in an organized way? Not meaning to be insulting if this is a duh, of course question. I ask because my mom would get very frustrated with me and my lack of natural organization, but she didn't even teach me. She only complained loudly, shouted vague (to me) instructions and then sighed at my ineptitude. (not saying you do this) I finally figured out how to do it as an adult and now I explicitly teach my kids how to do it. They don't have to do it my way and they don't even have to do it at all, but I know that they know how. So I feel much better about shutting the door & letting it go, because I know that it's about their choices and not about their abilities.

 

If that doesn't apply to you, just ignore.

This is a good point. Have you ever read anything by Flylady? She talks about the people who are Born Organized. But there are those of us who have to be taught how to be organized. Often a BO will not realize they need to teach their non-BO kids how to be organized.

 

If you think this might be the case, then you might want to hang around and help her pack.

 

If not, then I'd go to the mall on the day after her trip and stay out very, very late at a restaurant so you're not tempted to rescue her. Unless you want that time together, of course.

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Quill, I was married and in my own apartment at 19 after having been working full time for 3 years. Cooked all my own meals, did my own laundry, paid my own bills, got myself up to work (45 minute commute each way). I bought a house at 21.

 

While that is great, it doesn't mean that everyone can do it. My oldest has multiple disabilities. His executive function skills may never let him be that together. My dd has been working since she was 15 and if off to college living on her own at 17. There is a big range in between them and there are more extremes on each end. Don't assume someone else can do something just because you did. Quill's dd may still NEED rescuing. Quill's patience might need rescuing too.  :lol:

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While that is great, it doesn't mean that everyone can do it. My oldest has multiple disabilities. His executive function skills may never let him be that together. My dd has been working since she was 15 and if off to college living on her own at 17. There is a big range in between them and there are more extremes on each end. Don't assume someone else can do something just because you did. Quill's dd may still NEED rescuing. Quill's patience might need rescuing too. :lol:

I was thinking that as I typed it. But Quill hasn't said anything about her daughter not being able to. If her daughter wasn't able to, her post would have looked entirely differently. She said that her daughter doesn't want her help. Quill's natural impulse is to help, but she's holding herself back. If Quill's daughter couldn't do it, then Quill would help her--she would not be posting about holding back.

 

That's the only reason I posted as I did. If I had gotten a hint that Quill's daughter couldn't do it on her own, I would never, ever have compared her to myself. The only reason I did was that for a neurotypical person who isn't necessarily the most mature person out there (I had a lot of immaturity about me at 19), she can surely pack for college. It was meant to reassure Quill that her daughter will rise to the challenge, or if not, that she'll figure out not to get herself in that pickle again.

 

I kinda thought as I typed it, "I hope someone whose kids have disablilties doesn't misunderstand me..." :)

 

My advice/encouragment was tailed for Quill alone, who seems to have a daughter who can handle the issue, thought she may discover that it's a pain.

 

I also said she (the daughter) might be fine if she likes to fly by the seat of her pants. And then later I agreed with another poster that she might need some training on organiztion if it hasn't been done yet.

 

So, I get where you're coming from, but the advice wasn't for someone with disabilities. Though I imagine it could have come off that way and so I understand why you replied, so no hard feelings there.

Edited by Garga
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I can relate to your daughter.

 

I think ultimately you may have to just shut the door & let it go, but I have to ask first - have you ever explicitly taught her how to pack in an organized way? Not meaning to be insulting if this is a duh, of course question. I ask because my mom would get very frustrated with me and my lack of natural organization, but she didn't even teach me. She only complained loudly, shouted vague (to me) instructions and then sighed at my ineptitude. (not saying you do this) I finally figured out how to do it as an adult and now I explicitly teach my kids how to do it. They don't have to do it my way and they don't even have to do it at all, but I know that they know how. So I feel much better about shutting the door & letting it go, because I know that it's about their choices and not about their abilities.

 

If that doesn't apply to you, just ignore.

Yeah, she knows how. :) Last year when we were preparing for the first year away, I made index cards with her and each Tote had thematic items in it. We taped the cards on the outside of each tote. So she couldn't go far wrong even if all she did was follow what is still on the index cards from packing last year. She just came home from work and mentioned the packing, AND the index cards, so I guess she is planning to follow that as a Cliff Notes. Also, she asked about the printer, so she has realized that.

 

But, it's a worthwhile caution for sure, because it is true that planning savants have a really hard time understanding pantsers. :D

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I was thinking that as I typed it. But Quill hasn't said anything about her daughter not being able to. If her daughter wasn't able to, her post would have looked entirely differently. She said that her daughter doesn't want her help. Quill's natural impulse is to help, but she's holding herself back. If Quill's daughter couldn't do it, then Quill would help her--she would not be posting about holding back.

 

That's the only reason I posted as I did. If I had gotten a hint that Quill's daughter couldn't do it on her own, I would never, ever have compared her to myself. The only reason I did was that for a neurotypical person who isn't necessarily the most mature person out there (I had a lot of immaturity about me at 19), she can surely pack for college. It was meant to reassure Quill that her daughter will rise to the challenge, or if not, that she'll figure out not to get herself in that pickle again.

 

I kinda thought as I typed it, "I hope someone whose kids have disablilties doesn't misunderstand me..." :)

 

My advice/encouragment was tailed for Quill alone, who seems to have a daughter who can handle the issue, thought she may discover that it's a pain.

 

I also said she (the daughter) might be fine if she likes to fly by the seat of her pants. And then later I agreed with another poster that she might need some training on organiztion if it hasn't been done yet.

 

So, I get where you're coming from, but the advice wasn't for someone with disabilities. Though I imagine it could have come off that way and so I understand why you replied, so no hard feelings there.

Yup, it's this. :) She's way more easy-going than I am and I have to curb my tendency to nanny everyone into organizing things like I would do. I have to let them be themselves. Actually, I couldn't understand how she arrived home from college, tossed everything in her bedroom and didn't give it another thought all summer. Not how I would do it!!! Still okay, though. :)

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I just realized I have no memory of packing for college. None. I am embarrassed and wondering if my mom did it for me? I vaguely remember picking out a bed in a bag thing.... Shampoo? Soap? Clothes? I don't remember any of that....

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So, I get where you're coming from, but the advice wasn't for someone with disabilities. Though I imagine it could have come off that way and so I understand why you replied, so no hard feelings there.

 

I wasn't offended at all and I think you are mostly right.  But I don't think having a dx disability is what makes the difference.  Many people without diagnoses are not capable of what you did.  Lots of people need lots of instruction & lots of practice and lots of trial & error.

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One amusing packing story...

 

So there we are, the ROTC guys have carried all of dd's stuff up to the third floor, including her plants. Her new room mate and suite mate and room mate's mother are present. When I exclaim in horror and disbelief, "What is this in your plant? OMG - it's a dirty sock!", which I proceeded to fish out with one finger and toss into a nearby waste can. I can only imagine what the ROTC guy was thinking - "This freshman girl is a slob!", what the other girls were thinking - "Oh my, this girl may be a problem!" and what the other Mom was thinking - "This girl's mother obviously did not raise her right! I certainly hope that does not rub off on my child!"  :crying:

 

It may be a long year.

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Ds and dh were supposed to leave about 10 minutes to take ds back to school. (On a time frame because Ds is leaving off campus and has to check in get his key and then wait for Comcast to come). So, he's been in our room chatting for 40 minutes and not finishing up the last minute stuff from yesterday. I am leaving an hour or so after they do, so looks like I can go back to sleep! Glad I am not the one taking ds and I can't stand being late.

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Yup, it's this. :) She's way more easy-going than I am and I have to curb my tendency to nanny everyone into organizing things like I would do. I have to let them be themselves. Actually, I couldn't understand how she arrived home from college, tossed everything in her bedroom and didn't give it another thought all summer. Not how I would do it!!! Still okay, though. :)

I am right there with you. And, I feel like MY way is so much better. I earnestly believe that it is. When they are away at school it's, "outta sight, outta mind." It bugs the cr@p out of me knowing ds lives cluttered and unorganized all the time, but it's somehow worse seeing it IRL in your own home.

 

If I am being honest, I think there is part of me that feels like the lack of tidiness/lax attitude about planning is somehow disrespectful to me. Not sure if that is valid/reasonable.

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If I am being honest, I think there is part of me that feels like the lack of tidiness/lax attitude about planning is somehow disrespectful to me. Not sure if that is valid/reasonable.

 

I don't think it's valid, but I feel the same. I keep repeating "this has nothing to do with me..."  

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Ds now has a large bedroom and he has boxes everywhere! He has not unpacked anything but the computers. He had a bookcase sitting in the hallway for 3 days that I finally helped him move today. We started to last night then it ran over his toe (we were both barefoot). He has a huge closet now and his clothes are still jammed in moving boxes. 

 

Meanwhile, I have made a trip to IKEA, put together 2 large furniture pieces (one left to do), assembled six more small things, and hung 3 shelves and 2 curtains. Thankfully,  I don't have to peak into his room often. We've been living surrounded by moving boxes since about May, so I'm done with that. 

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If I am being honest, I think there is part of me that feels like the lack of tidiness/lax attitude about planning is somehow disrespectful to me. Not sure if that is valid/reasonable.

No, it is not valid or reasonable.

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In the end, she did want my help and it was kinda cute, because once everything was neatly packed and ready to go, she said, "Wow. That does look much better!"

 

Funniest relic? Her Easter basket was still in there with a bunch of candy she didn't particularly like.

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I kinda thought as I typed it, "I hope someone whose kids have disablilties doesn't misunderstand me..." :)

 

I wasn't offended and I didn't misunderstand, I just felt the need to point out the difference between what you did and reality for lots of people, even without disabilities. It is all good. :)

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I wasn't offended and I didn't misunderstand, I just felt the need to point out the difference between what you did and reality for lots of people, even without disabilities. It is all good. :)

 

 

Oh, and in case I sounded over-the-top competent, we ate Tuna Helper 2 nights a week, spaghetti 2 nights a week, and takeout the other three.  :)

 

And I remember a lot of dust in the apartment.  I didn't dust much back then.  And I spent every single evening after work playing Super Mario 3 on the Nintendo with my dh. (Remember life before kids?!)

 

There is a range of abilities, but I do believe that a neurotypical woman of 19 can pack for college. 

Edited by Garga
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There is a range of abilities, but I do believe that a neurotypical woman of 19 can pack for college.

If they've been taught? If they can do it their own way and on their own timeline? Sure.

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One amusing packing story...

 

So there we are, the ROTC guys have carried all of dd's stuff up to the third floor, including her plants. Her new room mate and suite mate and room mate's mother are present. When I exclaim in horror and disbelief, "What is this in your plant? OMG - it's a dirty sock!", which I proceeded to fish out with one finger and toss into a nearby waste can. I can only imagine what the ROTC guy was thinking - "This freshman girl is a slob!", what the other girls were thinking - "Oh my, this girl may be a problem!" and what the other Mom was thinking - "This girl's mother obviously did not raise her right! I certainly hope that does not rub off on my child!"  :crying:

 

It may be a long year.

 

Laugh. I imagine them thinking "Whew! It isn't just my kid" and thinking bringing your plants to college is more strange than finding a dirty sock in one. 

 

Edited by vonfirmath
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