Help w/ 8th grader's writing (x-post)

[LAmom]

I posted this on the writing forum, too, but thought maybe I'd get more help x-posting.  I had to type this up real quick because I can't figure out how to attach picture that are too large.

Anyways, I had my dd going into 8th grade this year, do the placement question that WTMA has for their exposition classes.  She picked to write about her being 2 inches tall, having to inform mom, and that she was hungry, etc.  I need help with where to go with this.  She has done WWS1 but I am not sure where to go from there.  She wants to do more creative writing, but I want her to get basics down.  Seems like she needs help with better sentence writing and vocabulary?  Any input would be great and where to go from here.  Some errors in the writing may be my quick typing...

 

 

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      One morning, not too long ago, I woke up as usual.  Then, after a few seconds, I realized something was wrong!  I had shrunk!  I was now approximately 2 in. tall...and also very hungry.  I walked over to the ladder of my bunk-bed and crawled down the ladder.  I ran out the door of my room and jumped off the stairs, one by one, till I was downstairs.  Now to get breakfast.  I sprinted to the kitchen, narrowly avoiding getting crushed by various family members, also including the pets.  I heard them talking about me, so I paused.   "Where is that pokey girl?" my mom said, annoyed.  "It's 8:30! She should have been down her 1/2 an hour ago!"  "Owen said that she wasn't in her room."  That was my dad talking.  "Bathroom?"  "Nope."  

 

     Their faces were worried, and puzzled.  I had to tell them I was here and just 2 in.  Anyways, I was super, mega hungry.  But, how to get their attention?  First, I tried screaming.  I doubt they even heard it. Then I tried poking them, mainly Mom since she was the closer of the two.  She just twitched her foot.  I sighed.  On thing left to do that I could do that I could think of, I started climbing her.  Finally, I reached her shoulder.  I gripped her shirt, then screamed.  That sure got her attention!  She jumped and glanced around.  So I yelled, "MOM! MOM! IT'S ANNA!  I'M ON YOUR SHOULDER!" 

 

  She stared at her left should.  Then she scoffed and started walking.  "OTHER ONE!" I shouted.  Mom looked to her right shoulder.  Finally, she noticed me!  She plucked me off of her shoulder and put me in her hand, which she put to her ear.  "Mom, I'm hungry.  I want breakfast."  "Okay.  Cereal?" she answered.  "Sure."  

 

   Mom walked over to the cereal box, grabbed milk out of the fridge and picked up a bowl.  She placed me on the counter and started getting me breakfast.  She picked out 10 cheerios and a teaspoon of milk in to the little bowl.  Next, she took a coffee stirrer spoon and fed me.  The spoon was too large, but somehow I managed.  

 

[LAmom]

Anybody?   :tongue_smilie: