A bit my tongue situation--WWYD?

[MEmama]

Yesterday afternoon as we were getting out of our car at the grocery, an SUV parked next to us. The back door was flung open and hit our car hard. I checked out the damage before they could slink away and the mom in the other car pretended she hadn't heard and busied herself for quite a long time before finally acknowledging the situation. It was really awkward, she just stood there in silence before finally asking her kid, "oh, did you do that again? Say your sorry" in an offhand manner. We were pretty upset, the paint came clean off, and she finally asked if we wanted to file an insurance claim. I mean, obviously no because it's just from a car door, but still. She didn't seem concerned and her kid could have gave cared less. DH was fuming.

 

The first thing that came to my mind was to do what I would do if it had been my kid (show him the dent, explain how he'd caused it, etc) BUT I held my tongue as I tried to figure out what the Hive would say! Lol. So I concluded its not my place to parent someone else's kid, and we let it go. I don't feel great about it, though.

 

So, weigh in! What do you do in a situation like that? Teach? Let it go? Get mad? Give grace? We opted for the last, but I'm curious.

[TXBeth]

If my car was old and scratched up anyway I'd probably give grace (but definitely would be annoyed especially with no remorse). Otherwise I would ask them to pay for it, either through their insurance or with cash.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I don't understand why you were just hopefully waiting for her to say something. Why not go around to where she is, tell her, "Your car door just hit our car and dented it and took the paint off, can I have your insurance information, please."

 

It doesn't mean you're going to file a claim. It doesn't mean you're going to ruin her life over it. But you can speak up with the truth about what's happened, instead of waiting for people to take responsibility. That would be a good lesson for her child, that when you damage people's property they might say something about it. :)

[catz]

I don't understand why you were just hopefully waiting for her to say something. Why not go around to where she is, tell her, "Your car door just hit our car and dented it and took the paint off, can I have your insurance information, please."

 

It doesn't mean you're going to file a claim. It doesn't mean you're going to ruin her life over it. But you can speak up with the truth about what's happened, instead of waiting for people to take responsibility. That would be a good lesson for her child, that when you damage people's property they might say something about it. :)

 

:iagree: Situations like this are just awkward for all parties.  I'm sure she and the kid (depending on age) felt terrible.  People are often tongue tied about what to do.  It doesn't mean the parent won't talk to her child later about it at length.  Sometimes you might anger someone by making it too much of about the kid or whatever.  

 

You definitely at a minimum should have gotten her contact and insurance info.  It doesn't seem like an obvious don't contact insurance situation to me if your vehicle was otherwise in good shape. 

 

[FriedClams]

A lady recently did that to me. She was totally unconcerned. I was SHOCKED that people can be so rude and irresponsible. Sorry, not much help to offer other than to commiserate.

[SKL]

I am firmly in the give grace category.  I have had several situations where adult drivers hit my car and did minor damage.  I always tell the person don't worry, no problem, hope the rest of your day is better.  I do my best to teach my kids to be considerate about such things, but accidents do happen and I hope people would extend grace to me in such a case.  The cost and hassle of fixing minor body damage is ridiculous IMO.

[momto10blessings]

I don't understand why you were just hopefully waiting for her to say something. Why not go around to where she is, tell her, "Your car door just hit our car and dented it and took the paint off, can I have your insurance information, please."

 

It doesn't mean you're going to file a claim. It doesn't mean you're going to ruin her life over it. But you can speak up with the truth about what's happened, instead of waiting for people to take responsibility. That would be a good lesson for her child, that when you damage people's property they might say something about it. :)

This. And I probably would have filed a claim. The kid and mom are going to think they can get away with it if you don't file a claim.

[MEmama]

I don't understand why you were just hopefully waiting for her to say something. Why not go around to where she is, tell her, "Your car door just hit our car and dented it and took the paint off, can I have your insurance information, please."

 

It doesn't mean you're going to file a claim. It doesn't mean you're going to ruin her life over it. But you can speak up with the truth about what's happened, instead of waiting for people to take responsibility. That would be a good lesson for her child, that when you damage people's property they might say something about it. :)

We did let her know.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I have had this happen multiple times.  One time a kid got out, hit our car and then shut his door.  We were all in the car waiting on them to get out first.  Their kid opens again really fast and hits the car hard.  DH IS PISSED at this point.  Kid again freaks, slams his door shut.  Finally opens a third time and hits our car again.  Dh gets out and by the look on his face it scared the kid.  Parent walked away.  Dh walked after and said your kid just hit my car 3 times with the door, the paint is off, and parent said, SO WHAT and kept walking.  I didn't have to bury bodies that day, but my dh's heart probably aged 10 years due to anger.  

 

 

So last year we were getting ready to get out but the dad/kid next to us walked up to leave.  Kid hits our car getting in.  Dad heard it/saw it/ and freaked out when he saw us in the car.  They peeled out of the parking lot.  He could have said, hey, watch out for that car.  Or I'm sorry.  But no, instead he encouraged the kid to get in fast and leave the scene.  Again, DH is busting inside with anger.  I think he could have caught up with them he was so angry.  

 

 

My kids have hit other cars with doors.  Going from the minivan to an SUV had a learning curve.  And they hit high end cars.  If driver was there we apologized.  No one ever wanted to file a claim.  But teaching a kid to acknowledge their wrong doing seems to be non-existent anymore.  

 

Best thing for the world is DH went 4x4 last week and the doors have some scratches...so ding away people, he can't freak out b/c he won't be able to tell if it was you or the rough driving he did ;-)

[hornblower]

I think this might be very regional. I live in an area where parking spots are ridonkulously tiny and some of our grocery stores & parking lots are on hills. It's really hard to got out of a car without having your car touch, & if you're on a hill & the door is downhill, it's really hard to hold on to the door.  Most cars have little parking lot door dings. 

I mean people try to not have it happen but it does. Gotta say paint chipping is a bit more than a normal touch though.... 

I was once in the other mom's shoes, many years ago.  Dd wasn't sure even sure if her door had bumped the car - she thought not, but the other woman was sure.  I was a bit taken aback that she was making a deal of it so I stood there going "WHAT? What do you want, woman?" And then she went off on a riff of "kids these days" .... that particular riff is pre-programmed in my brain to bring on rage so I didn't really handle that one politely. 

I mean we're parking on a hill, in a parking lot where people crash their carts into their cars on purpose because otherwise they run away from you & the only way to unload your cart is to muscle it up against cars & she's kvetching about something that didn't even leave a mark that we could find....  

 

[Zebra]

IMHO there are only 2 reasons to speak up.

 

First, to point out and hopefully correct the behavior.   You don't know these people, and you are never going to see them again so there is no point in telling them about their rude behavior.   The second reason to speak up is because you need them to pay for the damage.   You weren't going to file a claim, so again, there's no point.

 

I think you would have been completely within your rights to say something to these people, they were rude to you.   My only point is that sometimes with rude people who are not going to fix their behavior or compensate you for the damage, there is simply no point in getting into it with them.   Keeping your mouth shut is the right way to go in these situations.

[Catalytic]

Guess I'll be the odd one to say, ummm yes, I do expect you to pony up your insurance information, and if you don't want the ding on your history, then to pay the claim out of pocket.  (I wouldn't do this with my current vehicles, because they already have dents and dings, but if they didn't, yep, I'd expect it to be fixed.  I HAVE had this happen before and not known who did it, and I've had my brand new vehicle sideswiped and no one left info.  *IF* I hit someone's vehicle in any way, door or otherwise, I'd leave my info.  Fortunately, we have always had minivans with the kids, and sliding doors can't be flung into other vehicles, or I'm sure I would have had this happen multiple times)

 

*ETA* IF the woman had immediately acknowledged/apologized, and told the child to be careful in the future, I probably wouldn't ask for the info.  The fact that she did NOT say anything immediately, yep, claim incoming.  Embarrassed or not, if you cause damage, you apologize.

Edited August 15, 2016 by Catalytic

[jeremmy]

I wouldn't bother parenting her kid. I would have gotten her info even if I decided not to pursue it. I probably would have acted casual about it so that I wouldn't be screamed at if she happened to be crazy. 'No problem - these things happen. Could I have your insurance info please?' Just act as if it's a normal next step and that it doesn't make sense not to get the info. (Which is true).

[MaeFlowers]

It sounds like you're more upset because he didn't even say he was sorry. That would tick me off, too, depending on the age of the child. Above 8 or so, kids really shouldn't need goading to say their sorry. And parents shouldn't be so avoidance, either.

 

On the flip side, some people are just so nasty it almost makes you wary of saying anything. I've had a couple situations like this and I understand the initial desire to avoid it.

[8circles]

The family of car-dingers was very rude to not acknowledge.

 

I think it's a waste of time to worry about car dings from parking-lot door-openings.

[TranquilMind]

If my car was old and scratched up anyway I'd probably give grace (but definitely would be annoyed especially with no remorse). Otherwise I would ask them to pay for it, either through their insurance or with cash.

 

This.  My current vehicle was actually slammed into on the highway and the guy kept going.  Huge scratch.  So in that vehicle, I would definitely just say something like perhaps he needs to be careful when the mom parks close to other cars.

If your car is new, we are talking about hundreds of dollars of damage.  I'd ask her to cover that, most likely. 

[MEmama]

The family of car-dingers was very rude to not acknowledge.

 

I think it's a waste of time to worry about car dings from parking-lot door-openings.

Yeah, I guess had it been from normal opening in a narrow space, it wouldn't be a big deal. But the door was flung open, and the kid knew she had done something wrong because then she went out the other side. There was no way the mom missed the crash into our car. Small dings are going to happen and I've never said anything before, but our car is new and missing paint matters because of rust.

 

I guess maybe we should have taken her insurance info. It was clear it's an ongoing problem with her kid and I guess mom's ambivalence is what really ticked us off. I get that SUV doors are heavy and hard to open for little kids, but then to not care about damage? (Their car, I'll note, was heavily dinged and scraped up along the sides despite being a new model; I'm guessing mom is as careless).

 

Well, it's hardly the end of the world. I'm just curious how other people handle stuff like this. Like a pp mentioned, it's embarrassing all around and it certainly is minor. But not teaching the kid, just letting her off...that bugged me.

[alisoncooks]

I'm almost fanatic about my own kids exiting cars, LOL.  Even though they are 8 and 10, I often open and HOLD their door for them, especially if we are in a tight space.  In fact, oldest DD has gotten to where she'll hold the door for youngest so that it doesn't get bumped as she's climbing out.  I'm so super-vigilant not to cause others damage that it totally pi$$es me off when I don't receive, at the very least, basic courtesy back.

[HRAAB]

Your car suffered a dent and paint chipped off?  I don't see this as a matter of giving or not giving grace.  Damage was done due to another's actions and should be taken care of.  That's why we have insurance.  Let them handle it.

 

If it was a newer car and it actually was dented with paint chipped off, I would certainly turn it over to their insurance company if I was able to talk to the responsible party.  Nothing personal, just taking care of damage.  Plus, maybe in the future they will be more careful.  Dh and I are starting to look for a newer car, and the prices have floored me.  A car is a huge investment.

 

Right now all our cars are older, and I probably wouldn't bother.  But a newer car, yes I would.

[HRAAB]

Oh, and to answer your question, my kid would get chewed out.  They are warned every time we're in a parking lot to be careful of other cars and watch the doors.  I don't recall how old the kid was, but if they're smaller and car doors are heavy and awkward, I have them wait for me to open them to avoid this type of thing.  I'm careful of other cars, and I think other people should be, too.

[Guest]

We had this happen in the parking lot at Disney. The family was obviously quite wealthy, it was a rental, and they walked off pretending they didnt understand English. Disney was helpful as was the rental company, we took a lot of pictures, and the insurance companies did their thing and settled. We also suggested that the lot be striped to accomodate children...its not as if the business will suffer if the parking spaces are wide enough for SUVs to open their doors instead of pretending everyone drives a subcompact.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't understand why you wouldn't file an insurance claim.  I hope that you did get her information even if she wanted to pay for it without going through insurance.  Whether or not there is an apology is kind of beside the point, in my opinion. 

[Shellydon]

We have trained our kids from todders to be very, very careful opening doors so that they do not ding another car.  I probably would have filed an insurance claim.

[LucyStoner]

This is why I love sliding car doors.

[MomatHWTK]

I think it is reasonable to get information if you choose to pursue the matter. I don't think it is reasonable to make any assumptions about the other parent or child. The parenting decisions and the child's response are their business. Take care of the facts and leave the opinions out of the matter. It will be much less stressful.

 

Those doors are a trap for kids, IMO. We had a larger sedan and I had to always remember to warn the kids immediately before we got out of the car or the door would go flying. Once the door is opened past a certain point, the weight of it does the rest. Even I had to be careful not to ding people. But again, what good does it do in life to decide who is rude and who isn't? It just adds stress to your life and changes nothing in the offenders. KWIM?

[8circles]

I don't understand why you wouldn't file an insurance claim. I hope that you did get her information even if she wanted to pay for it without going through insurance. Whether or not there is an apology is kind of beside the point, in my opinion.

See, I see it completely opposite. I do think it matters if people are rude or not. & A car is a very large investment, yes. But it is large, heavy machine designed to carry you from one place to another while sharing space with other similar large machines, sometimes going at very high speeds and other times being stopped very close to each other. I think that there are risks with that and every ding doesn't deserve compensation.

 

It makes as much sense to me as worrying about scuffs on your shoes.

 

But I know many people are in agreement with you and my POV is probably the minority.

Edited August 16, 2016 by 8circles

[JFSinIL]

I would definitely have gotten their info to file a claim - here, a bit of scratched off paint plus winter road salt equals rust pretty fast.  That said, long ago when I had four wee kids and a beat-up minivan we came out of Walmart to find a scared little old lady hovering by the van.  She had dented our rear fender area a bit parking her car, and had waited around to exchange info, etc.  Now our car was so beat up anyway, I honestly could not tell which dent was new ;-)  so I told her to not worry about it. Poor old dear was so relieved she hugged me!   I did point out to the kids that she had done the right thing waiting for us to come out, and why I didn't want to worry an little old lady over a minor dent on an already beat-up vehicle.

 

I do like getting slightly used, pre-dinged vehicles.  I don't have to worry about getting that first dent or scratch on a new car!

Edited August 15, 2016 by JFSinIL

[Mama Geek]

I was sitting in stop and go traffic once in large pickup with a ball on the back.  A lady behind me hit me when I stopped.  I got out and looked, it dented her car pretty good and did nothing to hers.  She sort of apologized and didn't even get out of her car to take a look.  The bad thing is she didn't pay anymore attention after it happened.  I though for sure she was going to hit me again.

[hornblower]

I was sitting in stop and go traffic once in large pickup with a ball on the back.  A lady behind me hit me when I stopped.  I got out and looked, it dented her car pretty good and did nothing to hers.  She sort of apologized and didn't even get out of her car to take a look.  The bad thing is she didn't pay anymore attention after it happened.  I though for sure she was going to hit me again.

 

I did this twice in a period of about 2 years.... Both times I had kids in the car with me.

Thinking back, I was one fried mama back then. One of the times it was a big jacked up pick-up with a hitch. The two dudes inside just looked at me through their windows and shrugged while I shouted Sorry at them. 

 

The next time I did it to a small sedan and the guy and I both got out. It was an older middle eastern guy and he was so nice to me & was just all worried about me....he didn't even look at the car. Just put his hand on my shoulder & was asking me if I'm ok. And I'm like yeah, sorry, sorry, just not paying attention. I offered him my insurance but he was just, no no, & just wanted to know if I'm ok?    

 

I hope to channel these people if in the future anyone mindlessly bumps me; have to pass these RAKs on :) 

[poppy]

All you people who would have filed a claim over this...... do you not have deductibles?  If I get repairs and the insurance doesn't go the way I want (which it might if disputed) I'm out $500. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

If someone hits a legally parked car like the OP's even with a car door, then it is 100% the other person's fault.  Technically, if the other driver just left, then it would be considered hit and run (though proving it is often a problem).  The other person's insurance should pay 100% on this parking lot accident (which is still considered an accident).  The OP's deductible shouldn't come into play at all.

 

I have hit people and given information and paid.  I've hit people and we looked and there was no damage and it was waved off.  I've been hit and exchanged information and they paid.  I've been hit and looked and there was no damage and it was waved off.  Oh and I've been hit, been paid for legitimate damage and then decided to keep the cash instead of getting the car repaired - legally it is my choice. 

Edited August 16, 2016 by Jean in Newcastle

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

While I'm in the camp that would get insurance info if my car was new and in good condition (it's so not!), I also agree with the below. I also wouldn't chew either of my kids about in front of you about this because my kids take that kind of thing very hard and would really beat themselves up about it. We'd definitely discuss it later when tensions weren't so high though. So it's possible that this kind of thing was going on. Or it's also possible she might have been an uncaring jerk!

 

:iagree: Situations like this are just awkward for all parties.  I'm sure she and the kid (depending on age) felt terrible.  People are often tongue tied about what to do.  It doesn't mean the parent won't talk to her child later about it at length.  Sometimes you might anger someone by making it too much of about the kid or whatever.  

 

You definitely at a minimum should have gotten her contact and insurance info.  It doesn't seem like an obvious don't contact insurance situation to me if your vehicle was otherwise in good shape. 
 

 

[8circles]

Yeah, I guess had it been from normal opening in a narrow space, it wouldn't be a big deal. But the door was flung open, and the kid knew she had done something wrong because then she went out the other side. There was no way the mom missed the crash into our car. Small dings are going to happen and I've never said anything before, but our car is new and missing paint matters because of rust.

 

I guess maybe we should have taken her insurance info. It was clear it's an ongoing problem with her kid and I guess mom's ambivalence is what really ticked us off. I get that SUV doors are heavy and hard to open for little kids, but then to not care about damage? (Their car, I'll note, was heavily dinged and scraped up along the sides despite being a new model; I'm guessing mom is as careless).

 

Well, it's hardly the end of the world. I'm just curious how other people handle stuff like this. Like a pp mentioned, it's embarrassing all around and it certainly is minor. But not teaching the kid, just letting her off...that bugged me.

1st bold: Dings on their car don't mean the mom is careless.  Our cars currently have lots of dings.  Because we have children and they don't always understand how to be careful and despite explicitly teaching them they still accidentally aren't.  I'm not going to chew them out over it because I don't consider that appropriate parenting.

 

2nd bold: You don't know they didnt teach their kid, they just didnt do it in your timing or your manner.

[HRAAB]

All you people who would have filed a claim over this...... do you not have deductibles?  If I get repairs and the insurance doesn't go the way I want (which it might if disputed) I'm out $500. 

 

If I were able to get the insurance information from the person who dented my car, I would go through their carrier.  

 

If I wasn't able to get the other person's information and it was a small dent, I probably wouldn't turn it into my company because it would be less than my comp deductible.  Depends on the amount of damage.  

 

Dh came out and found a note on his windshield one time.  The guy next to him had accidentally hit his car door into dh's door pretty hard.  It was really nice of him to leave his phone number.  We filed a claim under his policy.  It didn't look like all that much damage but it still ran around $900 to get it fixed.

[Catalytic]

All you people who would have filed a claim over this...... do you not have deductibles?  If I get repairs and the insurance doesn't go the way I want (which it might if disputed) I'm out $500. 

 

I grew up on the East Coast of Florida.  Dings in paint today meant holes in doors in a year or so.  Right now, I'm in heavy salt territory (for the snow) and my vehicle (2013) has 2 MAJOR rust spots from paint chips.  We are having them repaired before winter, so as not to develop holes.  My truck (the one that got sideswiped when it was new) is also beginning to rust along the scratch from that incident....it's getting repaired, too.  All of it on my dime, which I'm quite sure will be more than my $500 deductibles would have been.

 

Should I just let my cars rust out from under me?

[MEmama]

1st bold: Dings on their car don't mean the mom is careless. Our cars currently have lots of dings. Because we have children and they don't always understand how to be careful and despite explicitly teaching them they still accidentally aren't. I'm not going to chew them out over it because I don't consider that appropriate parenting.

 

2nd bold: You don't know they didnt teach their kid, they just didnt do it in your timing or your manner.

Right. I'm aware they are observations and assumptions. That's why I didn't act on it (call her careless, parent the kid, etc) and held my tongue. It's okay to make observations.

[QueenCat]

All you people who would have filed a claim over this...... do you not have deductibles?  If I get repairs and the insurance doesn't go the way I want (which it might if disputed) I'm out $500. 

 

I was thinking in the same thing. I wouldn't file a claim for anything like that unless I was SURE the other party's insurance would pay, without me even needing to contact mine. Even then, it'd have to be a significant dent.

[Reefgazer]

I would have given them the choice paying for the paint or masking an insurance claim for that much damage. Most people will opt for out of pocket because it cost less than an insurance claim for the person who does the damage, in the long run.

 

Yesterday afternoon as we were getting out of our car at the grocery, an SUV parked next to us. The back door was flung open and hit our car hard. I checked out the damage before they could slink away and the mom in the other car pretended she hadn't heard and busied herself for quite a long time before finally acknowledging the situation. It was really awkward, she just stood there in silence before finally asking her kid, "oh, did you do that again? Say your sorry" in an offhand manner. We were pretty upset, the paint came clean off, and she finally asked if we wanted to file an insurance claim. I mean, obviously no because it's just from a car door, but still. She didn't seem concerned and her kid could have gave cared less. DH was fuming.

 

The first thing that came to my mind was to do what I would do if it had been my kid (show him the dent, explain how he'd caused it, etc) BUT I held my tongue as I tried to figure out what the Hive would say! Lol. So I concluded its not my place to parent someone else's kid, and we let it go. I don't feel great about it, though.

 

So, weigh in! What do you do in a situation like that? Teach? Let it go? Get mad? Give grace? We opted for the last, but I'm curious.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would have given them the choice paying for the paint or masking an insurance claim for that much damage. Most people will opt for out of pocket because it cost less than an insurance claim for the person who does the damage, in the long run.

 

 

Yes, I've done that too.  The one thing I wouldn't even think of doing is not taking responsibility for damage I've caused (or my kids). 

[Ausmumof3]

1st bold: Dings on their car don't mean the mom is careless. Our cars currently have lots of dings. Because we have children and they don't always understand how to be careful and despite explicitly teaching them they still accidentally aren't. I'm not going to chew them out over it because I don't consider that appropriate parenting.

 

2nd bold: You don't know they didnt teach their kid, they just didnt do it in your timing or your manner.

I agree and everyone parents differently but the correct and decent thing to do if your kids cause damage is offer to pay.

[8circles]

I agree and everyone parents differently but the correct and decent thing to do if your kids cause damage is offer to pay.

 

IDK.  My kids have never done that and caused damage so I have no direct experience.  Nor has anyone ever offered to pay for my door dings and it never occured to me that they should.  I expect that my car will look like it has been used for what it was intended to do, including parking in close proximity to other cars whose doors open.