How to politely tell your kid to stop talking...

[DesertBlossom]

I've got a kid whow knows everything about everything about everything and loves to share it. He can easily overtake a conversation with his chatter. He's an interesting kid but sometimes it's just not the time or place and people he's talking to aren't really that interested. Or, it's really not appropriate for a 10 year old to be taking over the conversation.

 

What's the best way to approach this? I have, at times, said in a friendly, good-natured way, something like "hey, this is my friend and she's here to see me. Run along." But sometimes it's a family friend and he is actually part of the conversation, but he is overtaking it and it gets awkward. I don't want to call him out publicly and embarrass him. I can't even discreetly call attention to it without making him feel bad. I also don't want him to think that no one ever wants to hear what he has to say, because sometimes they do.

 

I will admit that I am slightly more concerned about this because MIL is terrible about it. She will go on and on with no thought as to whether you really want to hear an hour long story about a complete stranger. I am way too polite to say anything to her. But she drives me batty. But I do want DS to be aware that there are times that his stories are awesome and welcome, but that there are times they are not. How do you teach the skill of knowing when to talk and when to not without bruising egos?

[LucyStoner]

We had to address him seeing the situation from the listener's perspective and teach reciprocal conversation skills.

 

When going on and on to just me, I would sometimes say, I can talk to you for X number of minutes and then I need to do Y. I would also practice asking him questions and having him listen to me talk about something and how he could ask questions or seque out of the conversation.

 

When he was crowding out an adult conversation and we wanted or needed to discuss something else, I would redirect him to another activity and explain that I I see him everyday and I don't see uncle so and so everyday so please let us have some time to catch up. I pointed out that he feels the same way when his friends come over and give them space to have kid talks free of parent chatter.

 

It takes patience and some time but it worked well for him. He's much better at reciprocal conversations and picking up on cues as to if the other person is interested in the topic. Some of this is due to the ASD related therapies he has received but a lot of it was home practice.

[zoobie]

We have a code: hand on arm or telling her quietly to breathe.

[gardenmom5]

start asking questions he can't answer. . . .   (then say, let's go find out.) you will be doing him a service.  (as well as everyone else.)

 

my engineer brother is like this. he's an adult.  I really really wish I'd been there when he was introduced to my neice's dh.  (he's a math doc).  :lurk5:  my brother started telling him about how great math is and all the things you can do with math.  neice's dh thought he was talking to someone who knew as much about math, and was as excited by math, as him.  so, he was excited to share and discuss math.  lets just say, my brother found himself drowning in what he didn't know really fast. :smilielol5:

 

and I still laugh at it because he can be such a pompous ignoramus and he brought it upon himself.  maybe he's just insecure, but still .. . .

[MomatHWTK]

There are social skills lessons, games, etc. that can help. I would take approach it like any other learning opportunity. Don't call him out lin public. Just work conversational skills into your lesson plan. For my kids it is a combination of ADHD and Aspergers so we have to approach the issue gently but with direct instruction. 

[Laura Corin]

We taught Hobbes that if someone said 'uh-huh' or similar three times, then he should be quiet to allow others to speak, ask a question, or change the subject.  It took specific training but it worked.

[Guest]

I just say that it's rude to interrupt and it's rude to speak over someone.

 

In the moment I say something like, "hold on buddy, Shelly is talking, let's listen!"

 

If he does it again I send him away.

 

I started telling them this all very young. Socializing them and all that :laugh:

[Night Elf]

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings but he really needs to learn effective communication skills. Since he's not picking it up naturally, you'll need to step in and provide instruction. You can approach it during school time when no one else is around. You'll just have to be honest with him. He deserves that as it will serve him well in the future.

[gardenmom5]

I just say that it's rude to interrupt and it's rude to speak over someone.

 

In the moment I say something like, "hold on buddy, Shelly is talking, let's listen!"

 

If he does it again I send him away.

 

I started telling them this all very young. Socializing them and all that :laugh:

 

that is an ineffective method to deal with someone who monopolizes a conversation . . . . there's no chance to speak. ever.  like the scene in Casablanca where the two soliders (French is speaking; and Italian keeps trying to inject a comment) are doing a walk and talk.  capt. Renault and rick are watching them,  after they pass the capt says "if he get's a word in it will be a major Italian victory."

 

dh has two relatives that dominate the conversation - at least the younger one has improved over the years.  (she's in her 60s.)  

 

I think they just couldn't be alone with their own thoughts.

[Guest]

that is an ineffective method to deal with someone who monopolizes a conversation . . . . there's no chance to speak. ever.  like the scene in Casablanca where the two soliders (French is speaking; and Italian keeps trying to inject a comment) are doing a walk and talk.  capt. Renault and rick are watching them,  after they pass the capt says "if he get's a word in it will be a major Italian victory."

 

dh has two relatives that dominate the conversation - at least the younger one has improved over the years.  (she's in her 60s.)  

 

I think they just couldn't be alone with their own thoughts.

 

Well pointing it out when it happens and making it clear that no one likes it, without worrying about their "egos" HAS been effective for me. I'm dealing with ADD adults and children with no impulse control irt talking.

[catz]

I think having a code is a really good idea.  I also think during some adult social situations, it's fine to give kid a heads up "Hey Bobby, Monica and I would like to have an adult visit today.  I need you to find something else to do after saying hello."  If we give kids space with their peers, I think it's fine and even good to ask your kids to do this.  I'm pretty sure my kids would be mortified if I injected myself in the middle of their conversations with friends regularly. 

 

Honesty, both my kids can blah blah blah.  My son as a teen is MUCH better about adapting conversation to those he is talking to and reciprocating than he was prior to about age 13.  My 12 year old daughter still needs some work.  I think it's a delicate balance because I was completely tongue tied and had no confidence in these situations as a tween/teen and I'm really glad to have kids that WILL talk about their interests and let their quirkiness fly at times.  I guess I'd rather work with a confident kid on scaling back than trying to get a kid with social anxiety to have some confidence. 

[SKL]

Good question.  I have a kid who is normally shy and reluctant to even say hello.  Except those times when she latches on to an adult and talks her ear off.  :p  The adult keeps encouraging her and she assumes her prattle is very appreciated, even if I try to give hints.  A conversation on this topic is in order before our next party.

 

In your own home, you could have a go-to activity that you could send your kids to, and it could be a subtle signal of "that's enough."  Like "please go check on [something in the kitchen / with the younger kids]" or "see if [guest's children] would like to do xyz."

Edited August 15, 2016 by SKL

[OneStepAtATime]

OP, my DS is very similar.  Tread carefully.  As others have said, work on these skills at home as much as possible and in a positive way. Maybe have a specific time where you practice a conversation and pausing to let others talk and listening to what others have to say, etc.  The child is not trying to be rude.   They may have impulse control issues and they may have not developed an "inner voice".  Create a code word and a gesture (like touching the arm) to remind him to pause and let others discuss and also when to bow out and practice using it at home as much as possible.

 

FWIW, my DH frequently shut DS down in public and at home from the time he was little for talking too much.  It has seriously damaged his self- esteem.  We are working to heal that but if I could do it over again I would have worked even harder to help DH see that he was hurting him, not helping him.

Edited August 15, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[gardenmom5]

okbud, on 15 Aug 2016 - 06:47 AM, said:

I just say that it's rude to interrupt and it's rude to speak over someone.

 

In the moment I say something like, "hold on buddy, Shelly is talking, let's listen!"

 

If he does it again I send him away.

 

Well pointing it out when it happens and making it clear that no one likes it, without worrying about their "egos" HAS been effective for me. I'm dealing with ADD adults and children with no impulse control irt talking.

 

maybe I'm not understanding what you are saying.

 

saying you tell someone it's rude to interrupt and speak over someone is implying **they are NOT the person speaking at that time**.  

the OP is talking about someone who monopolizes the conversation -re: speaks THE ENTIRE TIME.  iow: no one else has the opportunity to speak.  (even if they try to interrupt or speak over someone.)

 

the clueless interruptions of an add person is not the same as the incessant talking of a conversation hog. (the latter not ever breaking in their soliloquy to allow anyone else to say anything at all.)

 

so -  are we talking about the same thing or two different things?

[fairfarmhand]

Talk about the game of tennis.

 

A good match is swat swat swat back and forth across the net.

 

Now imagine one person is set to serve and all they do is bounce the ball. bounce bounce bounce bounce.

 

Is that a fun game to be a part of?

 

Nope.

 

and the person hogging the ball comes across as a little selfish because they don't want someone else to play. Of course, they might not be selfish, just oblivious to what others need and want, but that's what others are going to think.

 

 

 

So he needs to practice with YOU and his family members conversing. Give him a max of like three sentences to express himself. Then he needs to pause to let someone else comment or ask a question.

 

Make it a game called conversation. He gets to tell a story for 5 minutes, but he has to thoughtfully break up the story in three sentence intervals. Everyone in the group has to listen and respond with questions about his conversation.

 

The next part of the game involves someone else telling a story. He gets to respond to their story, also broken into 3 sentence intervals.

 

 

[Carol in Cal.]

Maybe a 30 second rule?  If he talks for more than 30 seconds, he should pause until someone else has had a turn?

[Katy]

First I'd assign him to read Proverbs (yes, from the Bible..  it has quite a lot in there about the wisdom of shutting up), and How to Win Friends and Influence People (it talks about how people like people who are interested in them, not in what the other person knows).

 

Then I'd have a discussion about how while in your family showing off knowledge is impressive, most adults have already learned and forgotten those things he is showing off.  When you are young your whole world revolves around you.  When you grow up, that ends and you have to start caring about other people. It's time for him to stop bragging about what he knows while in public.

[Alicia64]

I agree w/ Zoobie: discuss ahead of time and have a code. I wouldn't just be trying to stop the immediate situation -- I'd also be attempting to get my child to have a deeper awareness of how he's interacting with others.

 

When I talk too much -- and I do -- my kids say, "You're hitting a tennis ball against a wall instead of playing tennis."

 

Oh.

 

Alley